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                            THE YADA YADA



                             Written by

                    Peter Mehlman & Jill Franklyn




 
               
               
               (Jerry with George and his girlfriend Marcy at Monk's.)

               
                             GEORGE
               So, Marcy, you should've seen me in 
               the hot tub yoday.
 
               
                             MARCY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               I was naked.

               
                             MARCY
               Oh, George.

               
                             JERRY
               I saw it.

               
                             MARCY
               How'd he look?

               
                             JERRY
               Okay. I wouldn't see it again.

               
                             MARCY
               You know, a friend of mine thought she 
               got Legonare's disease in the hot tub.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Really? What happened?

               
                             MARCY
               Oh, yada yada yada, just some bad egg 
               salad. I'll be right back. (She gets 
               up)
 
               
                             JERRY
               I noticed she's big on the phrase "yada 
               yada."
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Is "yada yada" bad?

               
                             JERRY
               No, "yada yada" is good. She's very 
               succinct.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She is succinct.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today. 
               (Tim the dentist enters Monk's)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, George, you know Tim Whatley.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, dentist of the stars.

               
                             JERRY
               What's up?

               
                             TIM
               I'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me?

               
                             TIM
               I'm a Jew. I finished converting two 
               days ago.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well... (Thinking of something to say) 
               Welcome aboard.
 
               
                             TIM
               Thanks.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, where you just at the health club?
 
               
               
                             TIM
               Oh, well, I didn't do much. I just sat 
               in the sauna. You know, it was more 
               like a Jewish workout. I'll see ya. 
               (Jerry and George give confused looks)
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's 
               already making Jewish jokes.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So what? When someone turns twenty-one, 
               they usually get drunk the first night.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Booze is not a religion.

               
                             ELAINE
               Tell that to my father. Anyway, guess 
               what? Beth Lookner called me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ooh. Beth Lookner, still waitin' out 
               hat marriage.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What are you talking about? That marriage 
               ended six months ago. She's already 
               remarried.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I gotta get on that internet. I'm late 
               on everything.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Anyway, Beth and her new husband Arnie 
               have listed me a reference for an adoption 
               agency. They're trying to get a baby. 
               (Kramer and Mickey enter wearing the 
               same shirt)
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine, all right, who looks better 
               in this shirt? Me or Mickey?
 
               
                             MICKEY
               We're double dating tonight, and if 
               we wear the same shirt we'll look like 
               idiots.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hmm, turn around. (They turn around) 
               Both so striking.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Tell me about it. We just picked up 
               two women at the Gap.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               How did you decide which one of you 
               would date which girl? (They pause then 
               look at each other)
 
               
               
                             MARCY
               So I'm on 3rd Avenue, mindin' my own 
               business, and, yada yada yada, I get 
               a free massage and a facial.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What a succinct story.

               
                             MARCY
               I'm surprised you drive a Cadillac.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, it's not mine. It's my mother's.
 
               
               
                             MARCY
               Are you close with your parents?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, they gave birth to me, and, yada 
               yada...
 
               
                             MARCY
               Yada what?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yada yada yada...

               
               
                             KAREN
               (To Mickey, wearing the shirt Elaine 
               looked at for them) I like your shirt.
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you too seem to have the same 
               taste.
 
               
                             JULIE
               Well I like it, too.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well I have the same shirt.

               
                             MICKEY
               Yeah, well I'm wearin' it.

               
                             JULIE
               I like your shirt too.

               
                             KAREN
               Oh, so do I.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. (Waiter approaches table)

               
                             WAITER
               Anything to drink? Some wine, perhaps.
 
               
               
                             MICKEY
               I like Merlot.

               
                             KAREN
               I love Merlot.

               
                             JULIE
               I'm crazy about Merlot.

               
                             KRAMER
               I live for Merlot.

               
                             WAITER
               We're out of Merlot.

               
               
                             AGENT
               So you, uh, know Betha and Arnie pretty 
               well?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah, yeah.

               
                             AGENT
               Do you socialize with them often?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, we got out to dinner a lot. Usually 
               Chinese, well sometimes Thai. And we 
               go to the movies, Arnie's a real film 
               buff.
 
               
                             AGENT
               Oh.

               
                             ELAINE
               Actually, I remember this one time, 
               um, this is funny. Um, we went to see 
               the movie Striptease. I don't know if 
               you've seen... doesn't matter. Anyway, 
               I was whispering something to Beth, 
               and Arnie leens over to me, and he goes, 
               "Would you SHUT UP?!" I mean, he barely 
               even knew me. Where did he get ah-- 
               But they're nice people. (Elaine tries 
               to smile realizing her mistake)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, you're in here.

               
                             JERRY
               What're you doing here?

               
                             GEORGE
               I knew you had an appointment.

               
                             JERRY
               Well this is very awkward.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll leave when the guy comes in. I 
               gotta tell you, I am loving this yada 
               yada thing. You know, I can cross over 
               my whole life story. (Picks up dental 
               tool)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, you don't play with that. That's 
               going in my mouth.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, what this thing? Whew!

               
                             JERRY
               All right, that's enough. Now get going. 
               Get outta here. (Tim and his staff enter)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Tim. Quick question. Is it normal 
               for your teeth to make noises, like 
               a hissing or a chirping?
 
               
                             JERRY
               George...

               
                             TIM
               Um...

               
                             GEORGE
               Fine, I'll make an appointment. (He 
               leaves)
 
               
                             TIM
               All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here 
               we go. Which reminds me, did you here 
               the one about the rabbi and the farmer's 
               daughter? Huh?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             TIM
               Those aren't mahtzah balls.

               
                             JERRY
               Tim, do you think you should be making 
               jokes like that?
 
               
                             TIM
               Why not? I'm Jewish, remember?

               
                             JERRY
               I know, but...

               
                             TIM
               Jerry, it's our sense of humor that 
               sustained us as a people for 3000 years.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               5000.

               
                             TIM
               5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give 
               me a schtickle of flouride.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               And then he asked the assistant for 
               a schtickle of flouride.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why are you so concerned about this?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'll tell you why. Because I believe 
               Whatley converted to Judaism just for 
               the jokes. (Phone rings)
 
               
               
               
                             PHONE
               Would you be interested in a subscription 
               to the New York Times?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes. (Slams down phone. Kramer and Mickey 
               enter)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't believe that.

               
                             MICKEY
               If you had gotten into the backseat 
               of the car we could've figured this 
               whole thing out.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why were you holding the door open for?
 
               
               
                             MICKEY
               Not for you! Who holds a door open for 
               a man?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I thought it was a nice gesture. 
               But I guess I was wrong!
 
               
                             MICKEY
               Let's just put they're names in a hat.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't even know their names! Look, 
               why don't you just take the one that 
               was on the left?
 
               
                             MICKEY
               I'm not sure she was my type.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, everybody's your type.

               
                             MICKEY
               What the hell does that mean?

               
                             KRAMER
               You've been married three times.

               
                             MICKEY
               That's it, it's go time! (Charges toward 
               Kramer, only to be held back by Jerry 
               and Elaine)
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right, take it easy.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, hey, hey!

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, let him go. You want throw? 
               Let's throw!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey! Hold on a second. All right, look, 
               I got an idea. Why don't you just show 
               up early for your next date, sit across 
               from each other, and see who the girls 
               sit next to.
 
               
                             MICKEY
               That's not bad.

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, so we let the girls decide.
 
               
               
                             MICKEY
               Yeah, why should we knock ourselves 
               out?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I wanna wear that shirt next time.
 
               
               
                             MICKEY
               No, no one wears the shirt next time.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               That's right, 'cause they already saw 
               it.
 
               
                             MICKEY
               We'll look like idiots. (They exit)
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, we were engaged to be married, 
               uh, we bought the wedding invitations, 
               and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single.
 
               
               
                             MARCY
               So what's she doing now?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yada.

               
                             MARCY
               Speaking of ex's, my old boyfriend came 
               over late last night, and, yada yada 
               yada, anyway. I'm really tired today.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Beth, Arnie, hi. What's up?

               
                             ARNIE
               Well our adoption application was denied.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Really.

               
                             BETH
               The adoption agent seems to feel that 
               Arnie has a violent temper.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh.

               
                             BETH
               So we're just asking our friends what 
               they may have said to the adoption agent.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, you know, I just told them what 
               kind people you are and, uh, yada yada 
               yada, that is it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               How you doing?

               
                             FATHER
               I have a discomfort in my molar. (Enter 
               Tim)
 
               
                             TIM
               Well, the Curtis, why don't you come 
               in? (To Jerry) Father Curtis, good guy. 
               Oh, which reminds me, did you hear the 
               one about the Pope and Raquel Welch 
               on the lifeboat, huh? I'll tell you 
               later. (Exits)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Whatley. (Like "Newman")

               
               
                             KRAMER
               What are they doing here?

               
                             MICKEY
               I told you we should've gotten here 
               a half hour early.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, all right. Now what're we 
               gonna do?
 
               
                             MICKEY
               All right, don't panic. Let's just decide 
               now. Which one do you want?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, I'll take Julie.

               
                             MICKEY
               I knew you wanted her. That's who I 
               wanted.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, I'll take Karen.

               
                             MICKEY
               No, no, you think I'm fallin' for that? 
               I'll take Karen.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, which one is Julie? (They 
               walk over to the table and fight over 
               who sits where) Hey, you ladies look 
               lovely tonight. (Continue to struggle)
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               So Whatley sayd to me, "Hey, I can make 
               Catholic jokes, I used to be Catholic."
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You see, I don't think it is a Catholic 
               joke. I think it's more of a Raquel 
               Welch joke. What was it? No, I said 
               hand me the buoys. (Laughing) Bouys!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Don't you see what Whatley is after? 
               Total joke telling immunity. He's already 
               got the two big religions covered, if 
               he ever gets Polish citizenship there'll 
               be no stopping him.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So what're you gonna do?

               
                             JERRY
               I think this Father Curtis might be 
               very interested to hear what Whatley 
               has the Pope doing with Raquel Welch.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Calling on phone) Hey, Beth, Arnie, 
               it's Elaine. Um, thought you guys might 
               wanna have lunch. Gimme a call. Bye.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               They're not getting a baby so you're 
               taking them out to lunch?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Thought it would be nice.

               
                             JERRY
               Poor Beth.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, Arnie's just as upset.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh screw him! (George enters)

               
                             GEORGE
               Listen to this. Marcy comes up and she 
               tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late 
               last night, and "yada yada yada, I'm 
               really tired today." You don't think 
               she yada yada'd sex.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out 
               to dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we 
               went back to my place, yada yada yada, 
               I never heard from him again.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But you yada yada'd over the best part.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I mentioned the bisk.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I gotta do somethin'. (Walks over 
               to bathroom. Kramer enters)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I gotta do somethin'.

               
                             JERRY
               George is already in there.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Confused) No, Mickey and I, we can't 
               work it out. You know, I'm thinking 
               of asking that Karen out by myself.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I thought you were leaning towards Julie.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I was, but the one I thought was Julie 
               turned out to be Karen.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well it was a helluva yada yada.

               
                             MARCY
               He's moving to Seattle. We wanted to 
               say goodbye, I was just getting out 
               of the shower, and yada yada yada--
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, enough! Enough! From now 
               on, no more yada yada's. Just give me 
               the full story.
 
               
                             MARCY
               Okay.

               
                             GEORGE
               Tell me about the free facial.

               
                             MARCY
               Okay, well, like I said I was on 3rd 
               Avenue, and I stopped by a large department 
               store.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Which one?

               
                             MARCY
               Bloomingdale's.

               
                             GEORGE
               Very good. Go on.

               
                             MARCY
               Oh, and I stole a Piaget watch.

               
                             GEORGE
               What's that?

               
                             MARCY
               And then, I was on such a... high, that 
               I went upstairs to the salon on the 
               fifth floor, and got a massage and facial, 
               and skipped out on the bill.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Shoplifting.

               
                             MARCY
               Well, what about you? You told me that 
               you were engaged. What was the rest 
               of that? (Pause)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me, Mother?

               
                             NUN
               Sister.

               
                             JERRY
               Sister, right. Do you know when Father 
               Curtis has office hours?
 
               
                             NUN
               Well not until tomorrow.

               
                             JERRY
               Hmm, I really need to speak with him.
 
               
               
               
                             FATHER
               That's a kneeler.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh. (Adjusts accordingly)

               
                             FATHER
               Tell me your sins, my son.

               
                             JERRY
               Well I should tell you that I'm Jewish.
 
               
               
                             FATHER
               That's no sin.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to 
               you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion 
               that he's converted to Judaism just 
               for the jokes.
 
               
                             FATHER
               And this offends you as a Jewish person.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, it offends me as a comedian. And 
               it'll interest you that he's also telling 
               Catholic jokes.
 
               
                             FATHER
               Well.

               
                             JERRY
               And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope 
               and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.
 
               
                             FATHER
               I haven't heard that one.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on 
               the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she 
               says, "Those aren't buoys." (Father 
               starts laughing) Father...
 
               
                             FATHER
               One second... Well, if it would make 
               you feel better I could speak to Dr. 
               Whatley. I have to go back and have 
               a wisdom teeth removed.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know the difference between a dentist 
               and a sadist don't you?
 
               
                             FATHER
               Um...

               
                             JERRY
               Newer magazines.

               
                             FATHER
               Now if you'll excuse me. (Closes door. 
               George enters confessional.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, I gotta talk to you.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hi.

               
                             KAREN
               Hi, Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Got a minute?

               
                             KAREN
               Uh, actually my parents are over, but, 
               would you like to meet them?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Sure.

               
                             KAREN
               (Parents enter and are little people 
               like Mickey) Mom, Dad.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hi.

               
               
                             ARNIE
               Elaine, I have to ask you something. 
               What exactly happened down there?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I don't know. I mean, I talked 
               to him and, blah blah blah, he asked 
               about you guys and, da da da da da, 
               more questions, bleh bleh bleh....
 
               
               
                             ARNIE
               All right, shut up!

               
                             ELAINE
               Again you are telling me to shut up?
 
               
               
                             ARNIE
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               You yelled that time at the movies. 
               That's why you're not getting the baby.
 
               
               
                             ARNIE
               Oh my God. How am I gonna tell Beth?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Look, I'll go down and talk to this 
               adoption guy and I'll make sure that 
               it all gets worked out.
 
               
                             ARNIE
               All right, just don't screw it up this 
               time! (He exits)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               See, again with the yelling. Not a fan 
               of the yelling.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (In pain) Oh, are you about done?

               
                             TIM
               I'm just getting warmed up. Because 
               I'm just a sadist with newer magazines.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Huh?

               
                             TIM
               Father Curtis told me about your little 
               joke.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What about all your Jewish jokes?

               
                             TIM
               I'm Jewish, you're not a dentist. You 
               have no idea what my people have been 
               through.
 
               
                             JERRY
               The Jews?

               
                             TIM
               No, the dentists. You know, we have 
               the highest suicide rate of any profession?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               So, I'll uh... all right. (Hangs up)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Date with Karen?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, Julie. She's the one.

               
                             JERRY
               What happened to Karen?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, Mickey and her have a lot more 
               in common. you know her parents are 
               little people?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, small world. So little people can 
               have not little people children?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, and vice versa. Mother Nature's 
               a mad scientist, Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you won't believe what happened with 
               Whatley today. It got back to hime that 
               I made this little dentist joke and 
               he got all offended. Those people can 
               be so touchy.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Those people, listen to yourself.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               You think that dentists are so different 
               from me and you? They came to this country 
               just like everybody else, in search 
               of a dream.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, he's just a dentist.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.

               
                             JERRY
               I am not an anti-dentite!

               
                             KRAMER
               You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it 
               starts with a few jokes and some slurs. 
               "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're 
               saying they should have their own schools.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               They do have their own schools!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah!

               
               
                             ELAINE
               One little baby, whatever you have in 
               stock.
 
               
                             AGENT
               Miss Benes...

               
                             ELAINE
               Look it, look it, Ryan. These people 
               are gettin' a baby. Period. Now we can 
               do this the easy way, or we can do this 
               the fun way.
 
               
               
                             BETH
               Jerry, I'm sorry to bother you, but 
               you always said you'd be there for me.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what's wrong?

               
                             BETH
               I'm thinking of leaving Arnie.

               
                             JERRY
               Talk to me.

               
                             BETH
               He met with Elaine, and I asked him 
               what happened, and he yada yada'd me. 
               I mean, could he be having an affair?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I wouldn't put anything past anybody.
 
               
               
                             BETH
               But we just got married.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well obviously that was a mistake. You 
               need to forget about Arnie. The important 
               thing is you're moving on.
 
               
                             BETH
               Why would Elaine do that to me?

               
                             JERRY
               Forget about Elaine. Let's just focus 
               on us. Come on, big hug. (Mickey and 
               Karen enter)
 
               
                             MICKEY
               Hey Jerry. Where's Kramer? I've got 
               exciting news.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm kinda in the middle of something.
 
               
               
                             MICKEY
               Karen and I are getting married.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, congratulations. Her marriage just 
               fell apart.
 
               
                             MICKEY
               (To Beth) How many is that for you?
 
               
               
                             BETH
               Two.

               
                             MICKEY
               You're a lightweight. Come on, honey.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey Jerry. What are you doing here with 
               Beth?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Beth and Arnie broke up.

               
                             ELAINE
               So they don't want a baby?

               
                             JERRY
               (Shaking his head no) Pff.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Realizes her mistake) I think I'm gonna 
               be sick. (George enters alone)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, where's Marcy?

               
                             GEORGE
               She, uh, went shopping for some shoes 
               for the wedding and, yada yada yada, 
               I'll see her in six to eight months. 
               (Kramer and Julie enter)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Kramer, over here.

               
                             KRAMER
               I just assume not sit next to you.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer... Oh look, there's Mickey and 
               his parents.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Nice looking family.

               
                             JERRY
               Very handsome.

               
                             KRAMER
               (To Mr. Abbott) How ya doing?

               
                             MR. ABBOTT
               Hey Kramer.

               
                             JULIE
               Oh Mickey. Excuse me, I can't take this. 
               (She exits quickly)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hi, Mr. Abbott.

               
                             MR. ABBOTT
               That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley 
               was one of my students. And if this 
               wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock 
               you teeth out you anti-dentite bastard.
 
               
               
                             BETH
               What was that all about?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I said something about dentists 
               and it got blown all out of proportion.
 
               
               
                             BETH
               Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails 
               out of med school?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             BETH
               A dentist. (They laugh)

               
                             JERRY
               That's a good one. Dentists.

               
                             BETH
               Yeah, who needs 'em? Not to mention 
               the Blacks and the Jews. (Jerry fakes 
               a smile)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Where's Beth?

               
                             JERRY
               She went out to get her head shaved.
 
               
               
                             FATHER
               We are gathered her today to unite this 
               couple in holy... matrimony.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Those wisdom teeth are tough to get 
               out.
 
               
                             FATHER
               Marriage is not an intervention to be 
               entered lightly... Yada yada yada, I 
               pronounce you man and wife. (They kiss, 
               walk toward exit)
 
               
                             KAREN
               (To Kramer) I really wanted you.

               
               
               
               
                            THE END







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