"ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME, JESUS!"
[South Park, Main Street, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny walk towards
Tom's Rhinplasty. Some adults walk by them as a station wagon
rolls by. On the buildings are posters of Father Time and Baby
Dude, what are we gonna do for New Year's
Eve? It has to be awesome.
I know. It's probably gonna be the biggest
night of our lives!
You guys! You guys! Guess what?
I've become a man! I started puberty,
No you didn't!
Yes! I really did.
How do you know?
Well, because yesterday I got my period.
You got your what?
My period, you guys. You see, there
comes a time in every child's life when
they grow up and nature takes its course
by having you bleed out your ass for
a few days every month.
You're making that up! Miss Aliton,
what's it mean to get a period?
Well boys, ah-I don't think I can tell
Please, it's important.
Well, it's when puberty hits and you
bleed, you know, down there.
Holy shit, dude! Cartman's right!
Well guys, I'm afraid I won't be able
to hang out with you on New Year's Eve.
I have to hang out with the older crowd
because now, I'm ma-ture. I got my
period, and you guys didn't. I got my
period, and you guys didn't.
Dude, Cartman can't hit puberty before
Well, maybe we'll get ours soon, too.
I'm gonna go and see if I'm bleeding
out my ass.
[TV 4 News Flash]
In local news, a stomach virus is going
around that is causing bleeding of the
colon in some small children. Doctors
are telling parents that the virus is
nothing to worry about and that the
infections can be dealt with with simple
antibiotics. Well, it's just four days
until New Year's Eve, 1999. The new
millennium is almost upon us, and all
over the world people have started to
celebrate by dancing, singing, and killing
one another. But probably the biggest
event of the millennium is one happening
in South Park, Colorado, where people
have gathered for a chance to see Jesus
Christ. Craig Netzel is standing by.
[Reporter Craig Netzel in South Park. Television cameras are
Thanks, Tom. It is indeed four days
until the new millennium, and hundreds
if not thousands of people have come
from all over the world seeking Jesus,
here at his house in South Park. Everyone
is giddy with anticipation for Jesus
to come out, because as we all know,
if Jesus comes out of his house and
is not scared by his shadow, it means
the next thousand years will be full
of peace and love. Oh, it looks like
Jesus might be coming out!
Oh look, Tommy. There he is. Can you
He's neat, Mommy.
Everyone is quiet here, Tom. Looks
like the little fellow's a bit nervous.
But he has taken another step out,
Tom! This is great new for us!
Uh-mmm, um what are you people doing?
Can I help you with something?
...Well, it's... the millennium, Jesus.
Well, it's "The Millennium"
So, what happens at the millennium?
...I don't know.
We thought you did.
Yeah, you're supposed to know!
Yeah, you're Jesus.
-You're the one in control.
Oh. Well. Yea. Believe in me and ye
shall find peace.
Yeah yeah yeah, we've heard that crap
for about 2000 years now! We wanna hear
some'in' new! It's the year 2000, for
Well, what do ya want?
We want to see God!
Yeah, with our own eyes.
We followed blindly for thousands of
years and we think the least God can
do is show up for New Year's Eve 1999!
Oh. Uuuh, llet me think about that for
MAN WITH PICKET SIGN
Is that good?
I don't know.
I don't know. Is that good or not?
[The Marsh house, living room. The phone rings and Stan goes
to answer it.]
Dude, did you get your period yet?
No, there's no blood coming out of my
Mine neither. But I double-checked,
and Cartman was right. Your period is
the start of puberty.
Well, if Cartman is the only one who
get it and he thinks he's too grown-up
to hang out with us on New Year's eve,
then screw him anyways.
[The McCormick shack, the restroom. Kenny reads from the South
Park Enquirer on the pot. A stool drops into the toilet, and
Kenny gets up to check it out]
[Al's Pharmacy. Inside, the boys check out various tampons. Cartman
looks over a box of Breeze tampons]
Come on, Cartman, we have to make plans
for New Year's.
Hold your horses, guys. This is very
important for mature people. Let's
see. Offers complete protection during
heavy flow, hm. Lessee, might slow
stoppage of vaginal chunks, eh. Oh,
this one's got wings, you guys!
(You guys! You guys, I did it! I got
my very own period!)
Cartman [pleased] You did?
You got your period too, Kenny?
(Yeah, it was awesome! I was just sitting
down and then I got my period!)
Well welcome to the club, Kenny. You
got your period, so now you're a man.
We can hang out together on New Year's
eve. But first you need to buy some
Maxi pads to stuff in the back of your
pants so you don't get blood on your
[Jesus' house. The crowd awaits his decision. Inside, Jesus paces
Tom, it looked for a second as if Jesus
was going to come out of his house,
but then he went back inside. But meanwhile,
more and more people are showing up
to show their support for Jesus.
It's the end
[Jesusu looks in wonder]
Well, the way I see it, if he really
is who he says he is, well then he'd
better do some'in' on New Year's eve,
'cause it's in the Bible!
Father, I need to talk to you. Please,
Father, appear to me.
What is it, my child?
Father, everyone is starting to pay
attention to me again because of the
new millennium. Huh-I'm kinda making
Yea, like John Travolta before you.
You are experiencing a second revival.
It's the millennium, Father. People
want to see you.
Nay, their eyes are not yet prepared
to see the likes of me.
But dad, I think this may be my one
big shot at a comeback.
Be ye careful of pride, Jesus.
Just make an appearance. You can come
down, sey 'hi' to a few people and can
be back by 12:30.
I'm sorry, my son, but if you want to
earn everyone's love, you will have
to do it yourself.
[The Broflovski house, living room, day. Ike is playing with
a set of blocks. Kyle approaches him.]
Ike, can I talk to you?
Uh ar, stufid.
Ike, I don't know what to do. All the
guys are getting their periods, and
I don't think I am. I can't be the last
one to get it. I just can't!
Whoa won toooo-reeee.
Cartman got his, then Kenny. What if
tomorrow Stan says he got his and I'm
left out? I might not even get to be
their friend anymore.
No. Martur sucker. Moghee. Muckeh m'gwoss.
Yeah! I could just say I got my period!
It's not like they'll check. I can just
say I got my period, 'cause I really
will get it someday! It's not really
lying, it's just jumping the gun a little.
Thanks a lot, Ike!
[The bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny and Cartman are haning out there.]
So you guys aren't gonna spend New Year's
eve with us?
Look, Kenny and I are mature now. We
can't spend New Year's eve with a couple
of kids. Did you get your Maxi pads,
(No. All I could get was a couple of
Tampon? What's a tampon?
(See, a tampon is what you stick up
your ass so you don't bleed.)
Ew, doesn't that hurt?
You guys! I got my period, too!
Yeah! I was just hanging out in my
room, and then I perioded all over the
All right! You have to be in me and
Kenny's club, then. My mom gave me this
"Women Who Run With The Wolves" book
and I'm finding out all about our goddess
Awesome! We get powers?
Yeah! Come on, we can set everything
up in my clubhouse and get ready for
New Year's eve! Hey, don't feel bad,
Stan. Some of us just mature a little
later than others.
[Stan's room, night. He's ready for bed, but sits at his desk
with pencil and paper at the ready. He picks the pencil up and
Are you there, God?
It's me, Stan. If you wouldn't mind, I don't wanna be the only
kid who doesn't get his period before the new year. Could you
speed up my development a little? Thanks, God.
[He sets his pencil down and goes to bed]
[Jesus' house, outside, night. The camera crews and crowd keep
vigil. One window on the house is lit from within]
Are you there, God?
It's me, Jesus. I feel like I've got a real shot at a comeback,
God. For whatever reason, people are starting to follow me again.
I'm 2000 years old, but I feel like I'm 28 again! I think I'm
going to win everybody back, because I just made a few phone
calls, and I'm going to put on the most amazing New Year's spectacle
this world has ever seen!
[The Marsh house, Stan's room, day. An alarm goes off, and Terrance
and Phillip are heard.]
Oh God, you're smelly!
Good morning, South Park, it's 8 a.m.,
and only two more days until the new
Damnit! Damnit damnit damnit!
Stanley, honey, what's the matter?
I'm not bleeding out my aahass!
Well, that's good, honey.
No it's not! It's terrible! Are you
there, God? It's me, Stan. How come
you didn't help me? I know you're really
busy with things, but this is a matter
of life and death. If I don't get my
period, my friends won't let me hang
out with them on New Year's eve. Please,
please give me my period soon.
[Jesus' house, day, one day before New Year's eve. The camera
crews and crowd keep vigil. A woman yawns, and the front door
Here he comes!
He's coming out!
...I have given it much thought, my children,
and you are right. After reviewing the
Bible, it does indeed say that something
very big is going to happen at the millennium.
I have spoken to my Father in heaven,
and he agreed that the millennium is
significant to all of us. And ye who
believe in me SHALL be rewarded! So
what we're going to do tomorrow night,
New Year's Eve, 1999: we just got ROD
STEWART to agree to play a comeback
concert at the Rio Hotel and Casino
in Las Vegas, and you're all going!
...We knew you could do it, Jesus!
Well, I'd better book my ass a flight
For he is Savior
For he is Lord
He gives me hope when
I have only been bored
And he lifts me up with
His gentle arm...
[The Ewok Village 2000. Catman, Kyle, and Kenny sit in a circle
with candles next to them.]
Okay, is everyone accounted for? Goddess
Goddess Moon? Goddess Moon?!
And I'm here, Goddess Earthly Delight.
So this is the first meeting of our
club for teens who have gotten their
periods. We're supposed to talk about
our periods. And boys. Let's talk about
boys first. I think Craig is pretty
cool, but I don't think Clyde is very
I think Clyde is kind of cool, but Craig
is definitely cooler than Clyde.
(Yes, I agree. I think Craig is a thousand
times as cool as Clyde. There doesn't
really seem to be a doubt.)
Okay, that settles that. Now let's talk
about our periods. Kyle, you first.
Oh. Ah-ah. Ah-uh-m-m.
What's the matter, Kyle?
Nothing. Um , my period is really uuuh...
Uuuh, my period is going swimmingly.
...Okay, that makes sense. Mine is going
(And mine too.)
[Chef's house. Stan walks up and knocks]
Oh, hello Stan.
How's it going?
Can I come in?
Well, sure. Now, what's the matter,
Chef, I have ...this friend, see? And
this person is really bummed out, because
everyone else the same age has gotten
their period, and this person hasn't.
OOH, you're talkin' about your older
Your little girlfriend, Wendy.
Look, it doesn't matter who it is. The
point is that everyone else got their
period and this person hasn't.
Look, Stan. Do you really know what
a period is?
Yeah, Cartman told us.
Stan, let me sing you a little song
about the menstrual cycle. I think it
might clear things up for you.
Ooo baby, yeah baby, ooo baby.
Yeah baby, yeah baby, now baby.
Ooo yeah, yes yes baby
Yeahyeahyeah, uh-huh baby now
Agh! Agh! Awww! No, baby!
Ewww, baby! No, no!
Alright now—I'm alright, I'm-I'm cool, it's okay.
Uh alright, wwatch out for the bedspread, baby.
Look out now, it's- alright, I'll tell you what.
Uuh, how about uuh, uh.
Why don't I call you next week?
And that's my song abourt the menstrual cycle, Stan. Did that
clear things up for you?
...So what you're saying is, this person
shouldn't be bummed becuase everybody
has their period at a different time.
...Is that what I said?
But it's not fair! It's not fair that
one day you're on top, that you're the
coolest kid in town, and then the next
day you're at the bottom again, 'cause
everyone has blood coming out their
ass but you, and if I can't menstruate,
then by God, I'm not gonna sit around
and be the only periodless 8-year old
boy! I'm gonna do someting about it!
Whoa! I musta missed a WHOLE middle
[Rod Stweart's mansion, day. Jesus sits on a leather sofa with
Stewart's agent. Around them are Grammys, some pictures of Stewart
and framed gold records]
I can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart
is about this millennium concert. He's
gotten a little older, but you're gonna
see how much he can still rock.
Hoh, I'm excited too. I think it will
bring my Father's children back to their
faith and back to mine eyes, for I an
the Lamb of God.
Yeah t-and uh, you know, Rod is a seasoned
veteran, so I'm gonna have to ask for
a bit more cash, but we could talk about
that leter; here comes Rod now.
Hey, Rod, great to see you.
Uh, the folks are sure glad you're playing.
It's really given them a lot of faith
in me again. I'm sure that together,
we can make this millennium party the
best New Year's bash ever!
Pooped 'nmuh pants.
Yuh you pooped your pants?
Pooped in my pants.
Oh Uh-n nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently
pooped his pants?
Again?! Now, Mr. Stewart, what did
we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?
[Genetic Engineering Ranch, night]
Yes, puberty is a very wonderful thing,
Stan. It'w what links us all together,
makes us one.
But what happens if there's someone
who never went through puberty.
Never went through puberty? Who never
went through puberty?
Nn-nobody! I mean, uh, well, m-my dad.
Your father never went through puberty?
No. And uh, that's why he sent me here;
'cause he's too embarassed to come himself.
Oh, I can't say that I blame him.
So do you know anything that can help
Well, I should think the most logical
solution would be... hormones.
Yes! Here, and tell your father to
take just one of these pills every week.
It could be just what he needs. And
be sure to tell him that his secret
is safe with me.
Thanks a lot, Dr. Mephesto. You're the
My pleasure. I just love helping people.
[The Ewok Village 2000, next day. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny have
Now, for our first club activity, we're
supposed to reach into this little dish
and pull out a word. We look at the
word and think about what that word
means to us.
Okay. Today's word is "spirituality."
What that means to me is uh-
Oh, look. It's that little boy who hasn't
gotten his period yet.
Don't you worry about that! I've started
Yeah, they make you have your puberty
quicker. And I'm just here to tell you
that my puberty is gonna be bigger than
any of you guys's!
Dude, I don't think 8-year olds are
supposed to take hormones.
Yeah, you shouldn't force your period,
Stan. You should let it come, like the
So what are we gonna do for New Year's?
Well, we're going with our families
to Las Vegas. I guess there'll be some
younger kids there, too, if you wanna
Aaaargh. I'm gonna go take some more
Now, the word is "spirituality." I believe
that the goddess in me is my spirituality
Quiet, Kenny. The goddess lives in all
of us and has-
God damnit, Kenny, shut the hell up!
[Hell's Pass Hospital. An ambulance is parked outside. Inside,
the McCormick parents sit in the waiting room holding hands]
Mr. and Ms. McCormick.
I'm sorry. We... couldn't save your son.
Oh my God, my little Kenny's gone.
I can't believe it.
We just didn't get to him in time. There's
nothing we could do.
What happened? What killed him, doctor?
Well, we found a... tampon stuck up your
child's ass. Apparently, he'd had it
up there for several days. It plugged
him up until he finally burst from the
inside out like a ruptured septic tank.
Oh my God.
My worry is that he could have been
following some kind of crazy new fad.
Perhaps the children are all shoving
tampons up their ass because they've
seen the Backstreet Boys doing it on
TV or something.
We must get to the bottom of this! ...if
you'll pardon the pun. But actually,
right now, I've got to carch a plane
to Las Vegas to see the Rod Stewart
Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas?
[Las Vegas, night. Klieg lights search the sky as a large crowd
gathers for the concert. Craig Netzel is on scene]
Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas, where
tomorrow night THE New Year's Eve event
is going to happen. Jesus Christ, our
Lord and Savior, is presenting Rod Stewart,
the undisputed King of Pop, right here
at this hotel behind me. It looks as
though Jesus really has come through.
Everyone is very excited, because rumor
has it that God Himself is gonna show
up to the event.
How about you, ma'am? Do you think God
is gonna show up tomorrow night?
Of course he is. This is Jesus we're
talking about. He wouldn't let us down.
Oh no! Are you there, God? Father,
will you please reconsider and show
up tomorrow? ...Hello?
[New Year's Eve, morning. Stan's radio alarm goes off]
Stanley. Wake up, honey. It's time
to leave for Las Vegas.
Who-o-oa, du-ude. I've got boobs.
[Las Vegas, New Year's Eve, 1999, night. The stage area. The
crowds erupts in anticipation]
Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool place
for us mature people.
Alright, people. Are we ready to rock
the millennium?! Father in heaven,
please let tonight's show go well. Please
make them like it.
Hey, here comes Stan.
Have I missed anything?
Wow, Stan, you really got some nice
Did you get your period yet, Stan?
No. I didn't, but-
Buh- Don't worry. You'll get it someday.
Come on, Kyle. Let's go see what kind
of tampons they have here in Las Vegas.
Well, I tell you one thing. I sure as
heck am excited. We've got about four
hours to the new year, and so I think
it's time to START IT UP! Ladies and
gentelmen, as promised, Mr. Rod "Do
You Think I'm Sexy?" Stewart!
O-o-oh. O-oh. O-o-o-oh. Be-eh-o-o-or.
Oh. Uh pooped 'em.
This sucks balls!
Alright, enough of this! Bring out God!
We want God! We want God! We want God!
Please, Father. Do something.
We want God!
Uh, folks, I'm afraid God can't make
We came all the way to Las Vegas for
This is the worst New Year's ever! Thanks
a lot, Jesus!
Llet's get him!
[Craig Netzel with some breaking news. The crowd has begun to
Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas
in what is quickly becoming known as
"the gayest party ever." Everyone is
so outraged that they are building a
large cross in which to once again crucify
our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Jesus, why does God hate me?
Huh? He doesn't hate you, he hates me.
He's gonna let me be crucified again.
He hates me more. He doesn't answer
my prayers. I prayed to him every day
and he never answered me.
Well, yeah, but just because God doesn't
answer your prayers doesn't mean he
doesn't care about you.
Well then, why didn't he give me what
Well, God can't just answer every prayer
and suddenly give you everything you
want. That takes all the living out
What do you mean?
If God answered all our prayers, there'd
be nothing left for us to do ourselves.
Life is about problems, and overcoming
those problems. A-and growing and learning
from obstacles. If God just fixed everything
for us, then there'd be no point in
our existence. That's why he wouldn't
show up to my New Year's party.
I just wanted my period.
I get it now, Father. I had to learn
all this on my own. I was overcome
with my new popularity and, and I let
pride get in the way of good judgment.
Whoa, what is that??
God? God is going to show himself??
Look, I can see him.
Father. You came.
Now look upon Me, My children, and know
Me. Be ye not afraid. Blessed art
thou, my children.
Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He
is the Alpha and the Omega. The Beginning
and the End.
Well, yeah, but that??
What did you expect me to look like,
...Well not like that!
Since it is the end of the first 2000
years, I will allow you, My children,
to ask me one question.
What should we ask him?
We have to think carefully. We can ask
him anything we want, like, "What's
the meaning of life?" or "Why are we
I have it. I have the question. Now
you have to answer me once and for all!
How come I haven't gotten my period
My child, you are a boy. Boys do not
get periods. That's only for girls.
Your friends were bleeding a little
bit out of their asses because of an
acute colon infection. And your friend
Kyle simply lied about it.
How do know that?
You will hit puberty when the time is
right. But you will never have a period,
because you are a man — with titties.
Thus spaketh the Lord. And now I return
Hey, wait! That doesn't count as our
question, does it??
I'll answer another on New Year's Eve,
in the year 4000.
Did you hear that everybody? I'm not
even supposed to have my period; that's
why God wasn't answering me before!
Boy, I'm sure everything worked out
okay. I guess now we can all celebrate
the New Year, huh?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot [end credits roll]
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne...
Llet's get him.
Let's have a cup o-Aaaa!
[End of Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus.]