"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 904
"BEST FRIENDS FOREVER"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Dawn over Cartman's house. He runs into his mother's bedroom]
CARTMAN
Mom! Mom! Get up, we have to go! MOM,
GET UP!
LIANE
Oh, Poopie-kins, it's very early.
CARTMAN
Mom, I told you! The new Sony PSP game
machines go on sale at seven a.m. today.
I have to be the first to get one!
Come on!
LIANE
Sweetie, can't we go after school?
CARTMAN
Everyone's moms are taking their kids
after school! We're outsmarting everyone
by getting to the store right when it
opens! Let's go!
[Liane's car, some time later. She and Cartman drive along, Cartman
bouncing happily in his seat]
CARTMAN
I can't wait to see the look on everyone's
faces when I show up to school with
a PSP! I wonder if Kyle will cry? Oh
PLEASE let Kyle cry! What the hell?!
[Before them is a long line of people in front of Luau's Toys
waiting for the PSP. The camera reaches the front of the line
only to find Kenny right at the front door. He's the first one
in line. Cartman approaches Kenny]
CARTMAN
Kenny, when did you get here?
KENNY
(Friday)
CARTMAN
Friday?! Aw, Jesus! I'll just... sort
of get in here- in here.
TALL GOTH
Hey dickhole! What do you think you're
doing?
CARTMAN
Uh, my friend Kenny was saving my place
in line.
SIXTH GRADER
There's no saving place, fourthie! Get
to the back or we'll beat your face
in!
CARTMAN
Oh, Goddamnit! They'd better not sell
out!
[The bus stop, later in the day. Kenny is playing with his PSP
as Stan and Kyle look on. Stan and Kyle weren't in line]
KYLE
That thing is pretty cool. What games
did you get with it?
STAN
It's a game called "Heaven versus Hell."
Kenny commands the armies of heaven
against the forces of Satan. Dude,
you see what Kenny got?
CARTMAN
YES YES, I KNOW! UP YOURS, KYLE!
KYLE
Wuh what'd I do?
CARTMAN
JUST SHUT YOUR JEW MOUTH!
GAME VOICE
"Congratulations! You have reached ...lever
nine!"
KYLE
Wow, level nine already? Dude, you kick
ass in "Heaven versus Hell."
STAN
Yeah, Kenny finally found something
he's really good at.
[A montage follows. Kenny is seen in class playing on his PSP,
then in the cafeteria, then in the playground, then in his bedroom
at night. He reaches lever 24. He's then seen at the amusement
park with his family, still playing with his PSP, then in "The
Mine Shaft" roller coaster, where he reaches lever 45. He's seen
on the bus playing on his PSP while the other students are having
fun, then in Le Bijou playing while Stan and Kyle watch a movie,
then on the sidewalk passing some hot babes - he doesn't look
up to acknowledge them, then in his bed again at night. He reaches
lever 54.]
[Kenny's house, day, the kitchen. He's still playing on his PSP]
MRS. MCCORMICK
Kenny? Kenny, are you still playin'
with that thing? Kenny, it's been two
weeks and you've done nothin' else!
KENNY
(I could get to level sixty!)
MRS. MCCORMICK
Who cares if you almost made it to lever
sixty?! You're wastin' your life, Kenny!
If you died tomorrow, what would you
have to show for it?! You'er gonna end
up wishin' you'd done more with your
life, just like your dead-beat father!
STUART
Hey, I heard that, bitch!
MRS. MCCORMICK
I wasn't talkin' to you, asshole!!
STUART
How about I come in there and kick
your teeth in!
MRS. MCCORMICK
I'd like to see you try!
[Kenny leaves the house and goes to the sidewalk]
STUART
Goddamnit, do you have to smart off
at me in my own house?!
MRS. MCCORMICK
It's my house too, you no-good loser!
GAME VOICE
You have reached level sixty!
KENNY
(Yes! Woohoo! I did it! I reached lever
s-!)
DRIVER
Oh yeah, lever four, sweet!
[The street. Kenny's body lies on the road. Eventually his soul
rises out of his body]
KENNY
(Hey, that's odd.) (Hey, I'm floating.
That can't be! Hey wait!)
[He reaches heaven, right side up, and bounces once before landing.
He walks towards the Golden Gates]
ANGEL 1
Open the gate!
ANGEL 2
Open the gate!
PETER
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, Kenny.
I am Peter.
KENNY
(What the fuck is going on?)
PETER
There isn't much time, Kenny. You're
dead, but, your death was no accident.
Heaven needs you.
KENNY
(Me??)
PETER
Come! There is much to discuss. Things
are not good in Heaven, Kenny. Satan
is planning a massiva attack and he
knows we are too few in number to stop
him! God has changed the rules here.
For ages, only Mormons were allowed
into Heaven. But knowing that Hell
was becoming much larger, God decided
to let more people cross over so that
he could build an army as well, an army
that YOU must command.
KENNY
(That I what??)
PETER
The Sony PSP was built by God, to determine
who on Earth had the best skills to
defeat the armies of Satan. You... are
the best. YOU, are the only hope for
the universe.
[In a great courtyard outside the super-basilica. An angel addresses
the others]
ANGEL 3
Satan's army grows as we speak. The
Dark Lord knows that our armies are
few in number, and unorgamized. So our
only hope... is perfect strategy.
ANGEL 4
A child? This is God's solution?
PETER
He beat Satan's army in over three thousand
separate simulations.
ANGEL 4
Archangel Michael, what say you?
MICHAEL
The child did something none of us
could: Reach lever sixty on the PSP.
Now I don't know if that's luck or perseverence,
but it's Goddamned impressive. All right,
Kenny, let me show you what we're up
against. This is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Satan's armies will attack the gate
...here. They are... ten billion in
number. Maybe more. Our armies are
here, here, and here. Just under...
ten thousand strong. We are outnumbered
and in need of someone who can singlehandedly
bring the whole Dark Empire down. Basically,
Kenny, you... are Keanu Reeves.
[Hell. Satan's armies mill about, the troops arm each other.
Satan addresses them]
SATAN
My fellow damned souls! Now is the time
for our assault! You know no fear!
You will drink the blood of angels!
We go now! Nothing can stop us!
ANGEL 5
Step aside! Step aside, I say! Satan!
God has mocked thee once again!
SATAN
My spy!
ANGEL 5
God has found a way to defeat your army.
SATAN
Impossible! How?!
ANGEL 5
A young man. Basically, he he's like
Keanu Reeves.
SATAN
Oh Jesus Christ.
HOODED FIGURE
My Lord. My Lord, we must attack, now!
SATAN
What's the point?! They have a Keanu
Reeves now.
HOODED FIGURE
Do not fear, my Lord. Your army is great!
SATAN
Very well. Demon Army, begin your march
on Heaven!
[Michael and Kenny walk to one of the ramparts and look out over
Heaven]
MICHAEL
Up here, you get the best tactical view
to protect the fortress. It is from
here, Kenny, that you shall command
the armies of heaven.
KENNY
(All right. How am I supposed to do
that?)
ANGEL 6
Simple. You will use... this.
MICHAEL
This golden PSP is king of all PSPs.
ANGELS
Hail the holy PSP.
MICHAEL
It works just like the ones we sent
to Earth. All the commands you make
will be sent to the troops down on the
battlefield. All you have to do is play
the game, Kenny. Only this time, It's
for reals.
ANGEL 7
Gabriel returns with news!
GABRIEL
Hell's army is departing! They head
now for the Gates of Heaven.
MICHAEL
Prepare the troops! We must be ready
for them! The time is at hand, Kenny.
The stage is set and the final battle
between Heaven and Hell is about to
begin! The fate of the outcome is in
your hands. Where'd he go?
[Hell's Pass Hospital. The paddles have been taken to Kenny and
fired away.]
FEMALE NURSE
Doctor! Doctor, we have a pulse!
THE DOCTOR
Then that's it! We brought him back.
MALE NURSE
Amazing, doctor! You've revived somebody
who's been legally dead for almost a
day!
THE DOCTOR
Call the parents. They're going to be
shocked to find out... their son is
alive.
[Hell's Pass, later]
THE DOCTOR
It's the latest in electro-plastilical
science. Your son's organs are all functioning
again.
STUART
It's a miracle... Kenny, you're alive.
THE DOCTOR
I'm a-fraid he can't respond to you.
You see, being dead for that long, most
of Kenny's brain cells died from lack
of oxygen. Your son is alive, but, in
what we call a "persistant meditative
staute."
MRS. MCCORMICK
Will he ever recover?
THE DOCTOR
I'm afraid no. Brain cells cannot be
repaied once dead. But his soul is still
in here. Almost... trapped in here,
if you will. Kenny is the same as he
ever was. It's just that, now, he's
more like ...a tomato.
STUART
He can't more on hiw own-ah how will
he eat?
THE DOCTOR
A feeding tube. It pumps a nutrient
paste directly into Kenny's stomache.
With it we can actually keep Kenny the
tomato alive for years.
[Back in heave, business goes on as usual]
MICHAEL
A feeding tube?!
GABRIEL
Yes. Apparently they're using machines
to keep them alive.
MICHAEL
But... that's not natural. God intended
Kenny to die! What are these people
doing?!
ANGEL 3
The child's soul is now trapped inside
his vegetative body. We have no one
to command the troops with the PSP's
GABRIEL
And Satan's armies are approaching.
MICHAEL
Oh God-damnit
[A brick building. Inside, a lawyer sees the four boys.]
LAWYER
Boys I want to thank you for coming
down to my office on such short notice.
STAN
Are we in trouble or something?
LAWYER
No. Boys, I'm a laywer. Your friend
Kenny has passed away and I've called
you here to read his will.
KYLE
Kenny had a will?
LAWYER
In the highly liekly event of my death,
I, Kenny McCormick, wish to leave all
my belongings to my good friends, Stan
and Kyle. Dudes, you were the friends
a guy could have.
STAN
Oh wow...
KYLE
That's... really touching.
CARTMAN
Fag!
LAWYER
To Eric Cartman: Eric, I never really
liked you. But then, nobody does. You
have no ability to feel, and you are
going to die alone and miserable. It
is only because I feel so sorry for
you that I leave you my Sony PSP.
CARTMAN
Oh yeah! Oh yeah, baby! Who the man?
Who the man?
LAWYER
There is one more thing I would like
to ask you all, as my friends. If I
should ever be in a vegetative state
and kept alive on life-support, please,...
STAN
Please what?
LAWYER
I don't know. I lost the last page.
CARTMAN
Who cares? Kenny's dead! When do I
take possession of my PSP, sir?
LAWYER
It's right here, along with Kenny's
other belongings. They're all yours.
CARTMAN
Yes!
MAN
He's alive!
STAN
What?
MAN
Kenny McCormick! He's alive at the hospital!
KYLE
Oh my God!
[Satan's armies continue their march to Heaven. Satan looks on
through his crystal ball]
HOODED FIGURE
Your army nears the Kingdon of Heaven,
my Lord.
SATAN
I don't know if we should continue without
knowing more about this Keanu Reeves
God has.
SPY ANGEL
Satan! I come bearing good news! The
Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on
Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven.
SATAB
Then God is helping us. Full march,
to the Gates of Heaven! Victory is ours!
[The boys reached Hell's Pass and enter Kenny's recovery room
]
STAN
Kenny??
KYLE
Kenny! You're alive!
STAN
Dude, how's you do that??
THE DOCTOR
He can't responde to you, boys. Being
dead for that long caused severe damage
to his brain,
CARTMAN
Well... well then he's NOT alive.
MRS. MCCORMICK
He's alive. He-ee smiles when I talk
to him. I think...
CARTMAN
That's not Kenny. Kenny sniffs paint
and sets things on fire! Here, look.
Kenny, Kenny look. Want a dollar?
STUART
I I don't know if it's right to keep
Kenny alive on that machine. I I just...
I don't know what he would want.
STAN
Yeah, the lawyer lost that page.
CARTMAN
Oh, I just remembered! Kenny told me
this one time, that he wouldn't wanna
be kept alive via feeding tube.
MRS. MCCOMRICK
He did? When?
CARTMAN
Um, it was um, this one time...
KYLE
He did not say that! You just want him
dead so you can have his stupid PSP!
CARTMAN
Stupid? PSP is stupid?! Did you all
hear that?? Uh I mean, I mean this
isn't about PSP, Kyle! This is about
my friend, and his wishes. And Kenny
said he didn't want to live like this!
KYLE
He did not!
CARTMAN
Did so!
KYLE
Did not!
CARTMAN
Fine! We'll see about this, you freakin'
Jew! I'm gonna get that feeding tube
removed if I have to go all the way
to the Supreme Court!
[Heaven. The angels mill around inside the fortress]
PETER
Satan's army has crossed over the Plains
of Limbo!
GABRIEL
Then they will be here on the morrow.
Without Kenny's soul here there will
be nobody who can use the holy PSP.
URIEL
No! There is another. A Japanese boy
did make it to level fifty-nine.
MICHAEL
Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people
don't have souls!
ANGEL 9
Yeah
ANGEL 10
Yeah
ANGEL 11
Yeah
ANGEL 12
Yeah, Uriel!
URIEL
Oh, right right, I'm sorry
MICHAEL
Kenny remains our only hope! Here is
what we must do. Gabriel and Uriel,
you go down to Earth and try to get
that feeding tube removed. In the meantime
we will put all our troops at Heaven's
Gate. We will try to keep Hell's Aermy
from breaking through as long as possible.
Hopefull, it will be long enough to
get our Keanu Reeves back.
[The Colorado Supreme Court, day.]
CARTMAN
You see your honor, I was the only one
that Kenny McCormick told his wishes
to. And Kenny told me specifically that
he would never want to be kept alive
on a machine. What they're doing to
him ...is not right.
CHIEF JUSTICE
Well I'm sorry, young man, but the parents
want their child kept alive. I don't
believe you have any legal authority
here.
CARTMAN
I do have legal authority, your honor.
You see, I was Kenny's... BFF.
JUDGE 2
Best friends forever?
CARTMAN
That's right. Kenny and I have been
BFFs since first grade. Here, look.
Kenny has the other half of this BFF
necklace. I believe you all know what
that means, and how serious this is.
[Hell's Pass hospital, Kenny's room. Kenny's parents keep vigil
with Stan and Kyle.]
MRS. MCCORMICK
Look, Kenny, your friends are here to
visit you again.
THE DOCTOR
But this just doesn't seem right.
STUART
Wha, what's the matter, doctor?
THE DOCTOR
I'm afraid I've been given a court order
to remove Kenny's feeding tube.
MRS. MCCORMICK
What?
CARTMAN
He's right in here.
KYLE
Cartman!
CHIEF JUSTICE
Kenny's BFF says that Kenny didn't want
to be kept alive artificially. The courts
have determined we must obey his wish.
KYLE
Cartman is NOT Kenny's BFF!
POLICE OFFICER
Sir, take a look at this.
CHIEF JUSTICE
That's all the verification we need.
Pull the feeding tube, doctor.
MRS. MCCORMICK
No doctor! You can't!
THE DOCTOR
I'm sorry. I have no choice.
[Hell's Pass hospital, outside. Uriel and Gabriel arrive]
GABRIEL
Here is the hospital
URIEL
This is hopeless, Gabriel. We cannot
interact with anything on Earth, how
could we possibly get a feeding tube
removed?
KYLE
That dirty no-good sonofabitch!
STAN
Now that Cartman got Kenny's feeding
tube out, he he's gonna die for sure!
GABRIEL
The tube has been removed?
KYLE
How can they let an eight-year-old decide
Kenny's fate?
URIEL
Apparently, some blessed child has done
our work for us.
GABRIEL
Good. Now all we must do is pray nobody
interferes with the child's death a
second time.
KYLE
Dude, we have to do whatever we can
to get that feeding tube put back in!
STAN
Yeah!
GABRIEL
No!
STAN
Let's go to the, uh, media. We'll make
everyone in the country know that they're
killing Kenny.
KYLE
Yeah, come on!
URIEL
No! No, no boys! Aw Goddamnit!
[HBC World News. Splashy graphics.]
ANCHOR
This is HBC News. A right-to-die case
debate is heating up in Colorado, where
Kenny McCormick's feeding tube has been
removed by his BFF. Two boys are bringing
national attention to this story by
protesting outside the hospital.
[Hell's Pass hospital, outside. The protest has begun]
STAN
Don't kill Kenny!
ALL
You bastards!
STAN
Don't kill Kenny!
ALL
You bastards!
URIEL
No! No, they're not killing him, they're
letting him die!
SKEETER
You bureaucrats have no right to play
God and take that tube out!
GABRIEL
Nono, see, they were playing God when
they put the feeding tube IN!
ANCHOR
A woman was arrested for trying to bring
food to the patient.
MRS. GARRISON
Get your man-hands off of me!
ANCHOR
However, a growing number of people
are also standing behind Kenny's BFF,
Eric Cartman.
MAN 1
We must respect the wishes of people's
BFFs. Otherwise, all our BFF necklaces
would become meaningless
MAN 2
We all have BFFs, and we believe that
a BFF is the highest legal authority.
CARTMAN
That's right. Respect our authoritih-m.
[Satan watches on his TV, which is much nicer than the one in
his bedroom. The hooded figure stands nearby]
SATAN
What mockery is this?!
HOODED FIGURE
My Lord...
SATAN
The feeding tube has been pulled! If
the child dies and his soul returns
to heaven, God will have his Keanu Reeves!
HOODED FIGURE
Perhaps the child won't die in time.
SATAN
Forget it! I'm calling the attack off!
HOODED FIGURE
No! Keep your army marching, my Lord.
I will get that feeding tube put back
in.
SATAN
How?
HOODED FIGURE
I will do what we always do: Use the
Republicans.
[The White house, a press conference on the lawn. People carry
signs saying "Kenny Is Alive" "Murder Is Not A Choice" and "Don't
Kill Kenny"]
GEORGE BUSH
We Republicans are deeply saddened by
the tragic events in Colorado.
HOODED FIGURE
Removing the feeding tube is murder,
hughughughughughugh...
GEORGE BUSH
Removing the feeding tube is murder!
HOODED FIGURE
Who are we to decide if Kenny should
live or die?
GEORGE BUSH
Who are we to decide if Kenny should
live or die?
HOODED FIGURE
Who are we to decide if Kenny should
live or die?
GEORGE BUSH
HOODED FIGURE
It is God's will that he live!
GEORGE BUSH
It is God's will that he LIVE! Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
HOODED FIGURE
No no, you don't say that part.
GEORGE BUSH
No no, you don't say that part, haghaghaghagha.
[Heaven't Gate. The armies of Hell converge in front of it]
ANGEL 9
Jesus, their army is massive.
ANGEL 10
Heaven help us.
[HBC World News.]
ANCHOR
The biggest battle of all time is about
to begin: the battle of the feeding
tube! As people on both sides of the
argument vie for media attention.
[Kenny's hospital room. Both sides of the controversy chatter
away]
KYLE
We want all the country to see that
Kenny is alive, and in pain!
CARTMAN
I believe the people at home see he's
NOT in pain because he's a tomato!
KYLE
You say tomato, but I say Kenny!
CARTMAN
You say Kenny, but I say tomato!
CARTMAN'S SIDE
Tomato!
KYLE'S SIDE
Kenny! Kenny!
CARTMAN'S SIDE
Tomato!
JUDGE
Uuhh, excuse me. I uh, just found the
last page of Kenny's will.
CARTMAN
What?
JUDGE
I found the page where Kenny specified
his wishes about being on life support.
STAN
Well, what does it say?
JUDGE
If I should ever be in a vegetative
state and kept alive on life support,
please... for the love of God, don't
ever show me in that condition on national
television.
STAN
Oooo.
MAN
Oowhoops
KYLE
Oh geez. Maybe we let this thing get
out of hand. This issue is so complicated,
but... mmaybe we shhhould just let Kenny
go in peace.
STAN
You mean, Cartman's side is right?
KYLE
Cartman's side is right, for the wrong
reasons. But we're wrong, for the right
reasons.
BOTH SIDES
Yeah.
KYLE
Come on, everybody. I think Kenny wants
to be left alone.
[HBC World News.]
ANCHOR
We've just received word that Kenny
McCormick... has passed away. The debate
still rages on in America, but at least
now, Kenny... is in a much more peaceful
place.
[Heaven, inside the fortress. Angels scurry around in a panic]
ANGEL 11
The armies of Satan have already broken
through the gate!
ANGEL 12
We're gonna die!!!
MICHAEL
Send our troops to the battlefield!
I'll command as best I can!
GABRIEL
Michael! Michael! The humans finally
did the right thing!
MICHAEL
Oh my God, they killed Kenny! Get him
into the command station! Hurry! Satan's
army charges! Tell our troops what to
do, Kenny! So it begins. Now we shall
see the final battle between Heaven
and Hell play out! Yesss, good, Kenny!
The angel spearmen are taking out their
demon soulrippers! Oh, the cavalry angels
are clashing with their Black Knights!
Oh my God! My God, this battle is epic!
Ohh, they're bringing in their demon
dragons! Look at the size of them! My
God, this is even bigger than the final
battle in the Lord of the Rings movie!
It's like, it's like TEN times bigger
than that battle!
[Hell. Satan is watching the battle through his crystal ball]
SATAN
No! NO! How are we losing?!
SPY ANGEL
The child's soul is in Heaven! God has
his secret weapon!
SATAN
We'll retreat!
HOODED FIGURE
Patience, my Lord!
SATAN
No, Kevin! That's it! I'm breaking
up with you!
[Heaven. Kenny's still at it]
MICHAEL
Yesss. Yes, Kenny! Satan's forces are
retreating! This is TRULY a sight to
behold! OH I wish I had a camcorder!
We have done it! We have defeated the
armies of Satan!
PETER
Kenny! Bless your soul! You've saved
all of Heaven!
MICHAEL
Yes, Kenny! And to thank you for all
you've done, we are going to give you
a very special gift. For saving the
entire universe from the forces of evil,
we give you this. Keanu Reeves' statue.
Congratulations.
THE END
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