"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 514
"BUTTERS' VERY OWN EPISODE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Butters' home, night. Butters enters the living room with a
gift in hand. He walks up to his parents. His mom is polishing
an end table while his father reads the newspaper on the sofa
beside it.]
BUTTERS
Heh-alright, Mom, I'm all done wrappin'
Dad's anniversary present for ya.
DAD
Oh, is it soneone's anniversary soon?
MOM
Oh, you!
DAD
Just kidding. Oh, I wonder what it
is.
BUTTERS
It's a- Awww, shucks, I can't tell
you. Uh but it's really nifty.
DAD
Well, looks like we're gonna have to
do somethin' extra-special for Mommy
and Daddy's anniversary this year. How
about on Saturday we all go have dinner
at Bennigan's!
BUTTERS
Bennigan's?? Oh, boy, you mean it??
Whoopee, at Bennigan's I'm goona get
the Rain Champ baby-back ribs!
MOM
Calm down there, cowboy. You've still
got four days.
BUTTERS
Four days? Oh, I don't know how I'm
gonna wait that long!
CHOIR
Who's the boy who can laugh at a storm
cloud?
Turn a frown into a smile for free?
Who's the kid with the heart full of magic?
Everyone know it's Butters!
['It's "The Butters Show"' appears over a wallpaper design of
Butters' head. This is the show's splash screen]
BUTTERS
That's me.
[NEXT SCENES
Butters in Mr. Mackey's basement. Butters
tied to the feet of the Provider, a
statue of John Elway. Butters keeping
his class informed of what the kindergartners
were doing while the class practices
its play. Butters asking a question
in class about using shit in the expletive.
Butters delivering a tape to a reporter.
Butters peeking through a door in the
hotel NAMBLA is meeting at. Butters
figuring out how to open the condom.
Stan grabbing Butters angrily. Butters
rubbing some cow dung on his jacket
after finding the dung sticky. Butters
calling upon Pele to make his volcano
work.]
CHOIR
Who's the boy with the eyes full of
wonder?
Thinks being yourself is the best thing to be?
Who's that rascal with the tweezers in his pocket?
Everyone know it's Butters!
BUTTERS
That's me.
[NEXT SCENES
Butters jumps into a puddle. Butters
runs down the hall to the theater proper.
Butters petting a white goat. Butters
holds a picture of himself and John
Elway. Butters talking in the playground,
holding his tooth. Kyle finds Butters
on the street, after Butters tags a
wall. Butters in a truck, wth hockey
mask on his head. Butters wondering
how to not get anthrax. Butters as a
Confederate officer. Butters taking
over for Cartman on the phone. Butters
talking in class. Butters talking to
some kids in the playground. Butters
as a gas station attendant after the
adults are sent to prison for molesting
their children. Butters with Stan and
Kyle in the orientation meeting at David
Blaine's complex. Butters at his window.
Butters fainting after holding his breath
too long trying to not get anthrax.]
CHOIR
Jumpin' in puddles, skippin' down the
hallway
Pettin' at the petting zoo. He loves John Alway.
Who's that tyke with the cutest little dimples,
Battin' his eyes at every puppy he sees?
If you look inside yourself, you might be surprised when you
find
A little boy named Butters!
BUTTERS
Thaat's that's me, Yeah. .
[Return to Butters' living room. His mom is dusting off a portrait
on the wall as his dad returns to reading the newspaper]
BUTTERS
Three more days till we eat at Bennigan's.
That's s-seventy-two hours. Aw gee whiz.
DAD
Well, if you two will excuse me, I
need to go and buy a certain special
lady her anniversary present.
MOM
I hope he means me, haha.
BUTTERS
Don't be silly, Mom. Of course he means
you.
DAD
I'll be back in a little bit. Butters,
you're in charge of the house.
BUTTERS
Yes sir!
MOM
Oh, I wonder what he's gonna get me
this year?
BUTTERS
We won't know until we're at Bennigan's.
MOM
Every year it's the same. Your father
gets me some great gift and my gift
to him falls short. I've just got to
outdo him this year, I've just got to.
BUTTERS
Dad's a good shopper all right.
MOM
Butters, maybe you could secretly follow
your dad and see what he's getting me.
BUTTERS
You mean, spy on him? Uh but... ain't
that kind of like... fibbin'?
MOM
No, it's a little different. You remember
when the nice policeman gave yuu a badge
and made you an honorary inspector?
BUTTERS
Sure I do!
MOM
Why, I think Inspector Butters could
find out what Daddy'd getting Mommy
without him ever knowing. What do you
say?
BUTTERS
Inspector Butters in on the case, ma'am!
["The Butters Show" splash screen, but now only "Butters" is
on the screen.]
CHOIR
Everyone know it's Butters!
BUTTERS
Uh, that's me!
[South Park, night, the seedy side of town. Butter's father walks
down the street and stops at a corner. He sees a pawn shop across
the street and walks towards it. He turns and faces the street
for a few seconds, then puts on a hat and turns up the collar
on his shirt. He walks back the way he came. Butters has arrived
and sees him from behind a bush across the street. Butters has
on his own disguise - a handlebar mustache - and carries a note
pad, on which he takes notes of his father's every move. He pops
out from behind the bush. His father looks around to make sure
no one is following and arrives at Studcat Theater to see "Fisting
Firemen 9." He looks around as he enters, and the doors close
behind him]
BUTTERS
Hm. Dad's going to see a movie. How
nice.
[Butters' father soon leaves the theater and walks towards a
men's bath house, the White Swallow Spa. He arrives and rings
the doorbell. He looks around both ways and enters as soon as
the buzzer sounds. Butters looks on from behind a trash can across
the street]
BUTTERS
"White Swallow Bath House"
["The Butters Show" splash screen]
CHOIR
Everyone know it's Butters!
BUTTERS
Uh, that's me!
[Butters' hosue, night. He's returned from his tour of espionage
and finds his mother in the kitchen cutting carrots into slices]
BUTTERS
I'm back, Ma!
MOM
Oh, hi sweetie. Did you get to follow
your dad around?
BUTTERS
I sure did. Dad sure had a nice night
out.
MOM
Well, did you see what he got me for
our anniversary?
BUTTERS
Well first, he went to see a movie.
MOM
A movie? Hmmm. I wonder why he'd wanna
see a movie by himself.
BUTTERS
I don't know. But it wasn't the movie
theater at the mall. No, it was that,
really old theater downtown. The Studcat.
I didn't know it was open.
MOM
Wait a minute. What was the movie called?
BUTTERS
"Fisting Firemen 9" I've never seen
1 through 8.
MOM
Oh my God...
BUTTERS
Uh but it must have been a real short
movie, though, because Dad came out,
like, ten minutes later. ...And it must
have been a sad film, too, because,
he had a bunch of tissue paper with
him when he came out. Poor old Dad,
the movie really got to him.
MOM
Butters, where did Daddy go after the
movie?
BUTTERS
To the gym.
MOM
To the gym.
BUTTERS
Yeah. The White Swallow Spa.
MOM
Gaah!
BUTTERS
Yep. He went in there and wrestled with
all kinds o' guys. He wasn't too good,
though. This one black guy had him pinned
down for firteen minutes straight!
MOM
...Butters? Are you sure about this?
You have to be absolutely sure!
BUTTERS
Inspector Butters gets all the facts.
I even got some neato pictures. The
only thing I can't figure out is why
dad told you he was goin' shoppin' for
yoru present when he was goin' out to
see the movies an' wrestlin'. Oh, did
you have a nice "trip," Mom? See you
next "fall." Hahaha, yo- Ma?
["The Butters Show" splash screen]
CHOIR
...Butters!
BUTTERS
Uh, that's me!
[Butters' house, day. He's working with Lego blocks at the coffee
table while his mom works on the wall behind him, painting over
one shade of green with a lighter shade. Her hair is a mess.]
MOM
Paaiint. Must paaiint. Everything clean.
Paaiint.
DAD
Well, honey, you've painted the entire
house. Three times.
MOM
Must paaiint. Everything clean. Everything
new!
DAD
Say Butters, m-I'm havin' real trouble
finding an anniversary present for Mom.
Any ideas?
BUTTERS
Hm. Uh-I can't think of one.
DAD
Well then, it looks like I'm gonna have
to go out shopping again.
MOM
Ungh. Paaiint. Everything clean. Everything
new. Paaiint.
DAD
I'll be back in a little while.
BUTTERS
Should I go see what he gets you again,
Mom?
MOM
I don't think Daddy's shopping. I think
Daddy's going out wrestling again.
Paaiint. Paaiint. Must be made clean.
New.
BUTTERS
Hey, a new paint brush. That's what
Dad could get Mom for their anniversary.
I gotta go tell him.
MOM
Must clean Butters. Clean. Never be
clean. Must... kill? The only way?
Must kill Butters. Paaiint.
["The Butters Show" splash screen]
CHOIR
...Butters!
BUTTERS
That's me!
[The White Swallow Spa, night. Butters is at its front doors
and rings the buzzer. The doors open and he enters He jumps up
and gives the attendant some money - $10.]
BUTTERS
One please.
ATTENDANT
Locker two thirteen!
BUTTERS
Uh thanks!
[The locker room. The camera pans across the locker room and
shows nothing but men in towels. Some of them are exercising,
others just chat.]
BUTTERS
Dad? Dad, you in here?
[A hallway. Butters happens upon a wooden door with a small window
in the upper half. He looks up at the window, then enters the
room.]
BUTTERS
Hello? Eh-anybody in here?
MAN 1
There, do you think that works?
MR. GARRISON
Well, that's four fingers; try five.
BUTTERS
Uh Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON
...Who is that?!
[The main hallway. Butters enters and checks the first door to
his left. Two men walk towards the entrance and walk out]
BUTTERS
Da-ad? Da-ad?? Are you wrestlin' in
here? Dad?
MAN 2
This room's taken.
BUTTERS
Oh, uh, pardon me, sirs. ndad? No.
Hm.
DAD
OOH! BUTTERS!!
BUTTERS
Hi Dad!
DAD
Oh God! Aaah! Ohhh!
BUTTERS
I'm glad I found ya. I think I know
the perfect anniversary present for
Mom. But what are you doin' with your
weiner out there, Dad?
DAD
Butters, you need... to leave here
right now! You need to... get out of
here, egeh... Go home and wait for me
to talk to talk to you.
BUTTERS
Oh. Well, alright then. Well, see ya
at home.
DAD
Oh, Jesus, no. OH, what have I done?
["The Butters Show" splash screen]
CHOIR
Everyone knows it's Butters!
BUTTERS
That's me!
[Butters' house, night. Butters' dad is in his study.]
DAD
Butters! Oh Butters! Could you come
and see me in my study real quick?
BUTTERS
Uh, hey Dad.
DAD
Come here, son. I wanna have a talk
with you.
BUTTERS
Well, sure thing, Dad.
DAD
Son, I wanted to talk to you about lying.
BUTTERS
Well, I know lying's bad, Dad. Y-you
told me so.
DAD
Yes, it sure can be. But, there are
also times when distorting the truth
a little ih, is appropriate. These are
called "little white lies."
BUTTERS
Little white lies?
DAD
Ya see, sometimes telling a little white
lie is okay. Like, for instance, when
you catch your father jacking off in
a gay men's bath house.
BUTTERS
...Uh, who's Jack?
DAD
Butters, the point is that, I think
that if you told Mommy what Daddy was
doing tonight, weh, she might go completely
insane.
BUTTERS
Oh no, that won't happen, Dad.
DAD
It won't? Oh, good.
BUTTERS
Eh, no. Because I already told Mom and
she's fine.
DAD
You... what?
MOM
Butters, Mommy wants to take you for
a little drive now.
BUTTERS
A drive? Oh, boy! I I love a good drive.
Is Dad comin' too?
MOM
No, sweetie, Daddy needs to sit and
think.
BUTTERS
Alright. See ya in a bit, Dad. Oh
boy, a drive!
BUTTERS
Oh, jeez, you wouldn't have believed
how angry I was when Teacher said I
had to share my fingerpaints, because
I've been sharin' them all along.
MOM
Butters, you know that Mommy loves
you an awful lot, don't you?
BUTTERS
Well, sure I do, Mom. I love you, too.
MOM
And sometimes moomies do things that
seem hurtful to their babies, but it's
really for the best.
BUTTERS
Oh, you mean like the time you washed
my mouth out with soap for sayin' "nutsack"
in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to
behave myself.
MOM
If a mommy has to end her life, she
can't let her baby alone in the world
to be raised by a sick pervert.
BUTTERS
Well, sure, that makes sense, I suppose,
yeah. Hey, did you seen my mittens anywhere?
It's cold out here.
MOM
I'm going to get out of the car now,
Butters. I want you to stay put with
your seat belt fastened.
BUTTERS
Oh. Well, alright, Mom. O-o-okay then.
[she moves the gear shift to neutral, releases the emergency
brake, opens the driver-side door, and exits. She walks away
from the water, and the car starts to move forward]
You know, I think the car might be movin', Mom. [cut to a view
of the water from the dock] Yep, I'm pretty sure the car is movin'.
Looks like I'm headin' for the water.
MOM
Shhh. Shhh. It's okay, baby. Mommy
will be with you very soon.
BUTTERS
Well, I think I- Yeup, it looks like
the car is fillin' up with water! Yeah.
I think right now might be a good time
to try to get the car out, Mom!
["The Butters Show" splash screen]
CHOIR
Everyone knows it's Butters!
BUTTERS
That's me!
[Butters' house, night, living room. His mom has returned home
and is now writing a note. A noose hangs over the coffee table,
ready for her to use when the time comes. His father, apparently,
is not home]
MOM
"Dear bastard husband," No. "Dear lying
sonofabitch," No. "Dear assface," Yeah,
that's it. "I will no longer-"
DAD
Linda?? What are you doing??
LINDA
Stay away from me, bastard!
DAD
Linda, I know this is very hard-
LINDA
You don't know anything!
DAD
I've been wanting to stop going to those
places, Linda, but I couldn't. I still
love you!
LINDA
Then why, Chris, why??!!
DAD
It just... it started as some curiosity
on the Internet. I would chat with other
married goes in the chat rooms and...
Well the things they woudl talk about,
Linda, I, I don't know why I found it
exciting. I just did, and it, and it
grew from there and it spun out of control,
and- eh, ugh, DAMN YOU, INTERNET!
LINDA
Well, you don't have to worry about
your family being in your way anymore!
DAD
No, Linda! I don't want that lifestyle!
It's just kind of an addiction. I want
help. And I'm going to get help. Please,
just give me a chance to make this all
up to you. We can have a normal life!
LINDA
There is no going back, Chris!
DAD
Sure there is!
LINDA
No! Our son is dead!
DAD
What?
LINDA
I killed him. I was going to end it
all, and everything spun out of control
for me. I drowned Butters iin the car,
Chris!
CHRIS
Oh no. No! No, no, Jesus! Linda, what
were you thinking?
LINDA
I WASN'T THINKING! I couldn't think!
You destroyed my life, you!! D'Oh,
God, what have I done?! Oh, Butter-her-hers-ss-ss-
CHRIS
This can't be happening! This is a
bad dream.
LINDA
Just go away and let me die!
CHRIS
No! Linda, we-
LINDA
I'm a murderer, Chris! I don't have
a life now!
CHRIS
Linda, Butters is gone. Oh Christ,
if Butters is gone, then... there's
nothing we can do about that. But I
won't let you go to jail, I promise,
Linda! Pleeease!
[A river, day. The family car come into view, floating down the
river, with Butters still strapped in.]
BUTTERS
Oh, boy! This thing ain't never gonna
stop! I must be all the way down to
Denver by now. Ohhh, whoopee! Finally.
Uh now that the car has come to a stop,it's
safe for me to unfasten my seat belt.
Boy, Mom must be- worried sick about-
me right now. Ah I goota get back home.
Wuh gee whiz, where the heck am I?
["The Butters Show" splash screen]
CHOIR
-ows it's Butters!
BUTTERS
That's me!
[Butters' house, day. A News 4 crew is there, with reporter in
place. So is a crowd of spectators and other news media]
NEWS 4 REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing in front of the home
of Chris and Linda Stotch. They're living
every parent's nightmare right now,
as last night, while Ms. Stotch was
driving with her son in the car, a man
stopped her, put a gun to her head,
andn took her son away. When asked who
the man was, Ms. Stotch replied, "Some
Puerto Rican guy." Naturally, the police
are in an all-out manhunt for some Puerto
Rican guy. Uh, it looks like the parents
are about to make a statement, Tom.
REPORTER 1
Mrs. Stotch? Mrs. Stotch? Any word yet
from the man who took your son?
LINDA
No, no, not yet. But if you're out there,
we beg you: we just want our baby returned
safely back to us.
NEWS 4 REPORTER 1
Mrs. Stotch, what did the kidnapper
look like?
LINDA
Puerto Rican.
NEWS 4 REPORTER 2
Was he tall? Short.
LINDA
He was... average Puerto Rican height.
Please, just bring our baby back to
me.
["The Butters Show" splash screen]
CHOIR
...Butters!
BUTTERS
That's me!
[The highway, day. He's in a Busy Beavers moving truck going
uphill]
BUTTERS
And so them my friend started hollerin'
at me, sayin' "you took my rubber bands."
Well, I didn't take 'em, Craig, did.
I saw Craig take 'em. Anyway, boy, I
sure am lucky you came along, Mister.
TRUCK DRIVER
Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause
I need some God-damned poontang.
BUTTERS
Yeah. I could use some God-damned poontang
myself right now. Have you ever been
to Bennigan's, Mister? Oh, it sure is
great. I'm goin' to Bennigan's tomorrow
night with my family. Oh, I can just
see it now. We'll walk in the front
doors, and the nice Bennigan's hostess
lady will take us to our cozy booth
Then we'll order some mozzarella sticks,
for appetizers. Dad will open his present,
and Mom will open hers Uh then the
Bennigan's wait staff will sing
Happy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's
[the entire staff sings at the table as the family listens]
Happy Happy Anniversary-eh from everyone at Bennigan's
[the sequence is cut short as the driver gets annoyed]
Happy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's
[the truck stops and the driver exits to make his way to the
passenger side]
Happy Ha- Whoa, are we stoppin' for sodas? Hey, can I have chocolate
milk? [the driver opens the door, plucks Butters out, set him
by the side of the road, closes the door, and heads back for
the driver's side. He gets in and drives off. Butters watches
him go, then turns to face the receding truck...] He must like
TGI Fridays.
[Butters' house, day. The news crews and the crowd are gone.
Inside, the parents sit on the sofa as the police and detectives
handle the case. The phone rings. Chris rises, but the police
chief stops him]
POLICE CHIEF
Let us handle it. Barbrady?
BARBRADY
Hello?
[Rob's Sassy Ladys titty bar. A few men sit around looking at
an exotic dancer works her way around a pole. Butters is at a
pay phone nearby]
BUTTERS
Oh. Hello? Uh, who is this?
BARBRADY
Who is this?
BUTTERS
Uh, is this the Stotch residence?
BARBRADY
Yes. Are you calling about the abduction?
BUTTERS
...No.
BARBRADY
Oh. Well, are you Puerto Rican?
BUTTERS
...No.
BARBRADY
We need to keep this line clear. Call
back another day. It wasn't the abductors,
sorry.
OFFICER 1
Chief! Two more parents from the next
town over have shwon up saying their
child might have been killed by the
same guy that took the Stotch boy.
POLICE CHIEF
Really?
OFFICER 2
This is John and Patsy Ramsey, from
Boulder.
JOHN RAMSEY
We saw your story on the news, and
we were so sorry to hear about your
loss.
PATSY RAMSEY
Our daughter was killed a few years
ago, in our house.
LINDA
Yes, I... remember hearing something
about that.
JOHN RAMSEY
A and we realized... The man that murdered
your son must be the same person that
killed our daughter!
PATSY RAMSEY
Yes, because we certainly didn't do
it! No.
JOHN RAMSEY
No, huh.
PATSY RAMSEY
No.
CHRIS
Well, our son was ab-ducted. We don't
know that he's dead yet.
THE RAMSEYS
Riiight.
["The Butters Show" splash screen]
CHOIR
...Butters!
BUTTERS
That's me!
[A road, day. Butters walks along and comes to a fork in the
road. A gas station sits in the middle of the fork, and a mechanic
works on a red car. Butters approaches him]
BUTTERS
Sir? Hello?
MECHANIC
Hallo, what can I do for ya?
BUTTERS
Wah I have to get to South Park. Eh,
if you give me a ride, I could pay you
the four dollars I made at the titty
bar.
MECHANIC
Sarrih, wife took the car to Estes Park
for the weekend. Won't be back until
Sunday, hyeah. I can give you a ride
Sunday, if ya like.
BUTTERS
I can't wait till Sunday. I'm eating
with my family at Bennigan's tomorrow.
MECHANIC
Well, then, looks like you're walkin'.
BUTTERS
Uh will I eventually get to South Park
if I follow this road?
MECHANIC
'Aht road leads to Conifuh. You want
to go to South Park, you gotta go down
that rod. 'Course, I ani't nevuh seen
anyone ngo up that rod. Six years ago
a group of campers went up there and
got lost. Had to eat each other to say
alahv. Used to be the way to O'Riley
house. He butchered over fifty children
and kept their bodies in a cellah. But,
you should find an old bridge about
halfway up. That bridge is cursed, you
know? They built it with the bones of
two hundred Chinese laborers who were
massacred in '34. Yeah. Lotta historih
down that rod.
BUTTERS
...Well, it's my parents' anniversay
tomorrow, and they're gonna be awful
sad if I'm not there with 'em.
MECHANIC
Well, uh good luck then.
BUTTERS
Oh jeez.
MECHANIC
...or is South Park down that rod?
[I Am Siam Thai Cuisine restaurant, day. Inside, the Ramseys
and the Stotches are seated at a booth, men on the inside, women
on the outside. Lunch is served]
JOHN RAMSEY
It's so very hard to lose a loved one,
isn't it?
CHRIS
Yes, it, it sure is.
PATSY RAMSEY
Thank goodness we have each other to
share our grief.
LINDA
Thank goodness.
JOHN RAMSEY
Here he is.
A POLITICIAN
John! Patsy!
JOHN RAMSEY
Hello, Gary. Great to see you. Chris
and Linda, this is our good friend,
Congressman Gary Condit. He also lost
someone close to him and thinks it something
to do with the same Puerto Rican guy
that hurt our kids.
GARY CONDIT
We're goin' tuh get that sonofabitch!
CHRIS
Yes, I'd I sure hope we do.
GARY CONDIT
I spoke with the FBI and some Puerto
Rican guy has just made their Number
One Most Wanted, heh.
PATSY RAMSEY
Oh, good. Maybe now they'll catch him.
Oh, here's another member of our support
group. O.J.
O.J. SIMPSON
Hey guys.
GARY CONDIT
Chris, Linda, you know O.J. Simpson.
LINDA
Oh. Sure.
PATSY RAMSEY
O.J.'s wife was killed by an uh some
Puerto Rican guy, too.
O.J. SIMPSON
Yup, it was some Puerto Rican guy all
right.
JOHN RAMSEY
So you see, Chris and Linda, there are
people like you all over the country
who've been affected by some Puerto
Rican guy.
GARY CONDIT
Hey! Let's make Chris and Linda an official
part of the group.
JOHN RAMSEY
Yeah!
PATSY RAMSEY
Yeah!
O.J. SIMPSON
Alright!
PATSY RAMSEY
One of us! One of us!
GARY CONDIT
Gooble gobble gooble gobble!
O.J. SIMPSON
One of us!
[the two lines happen together]
O.J. SIMPSON
One of us! Gooble gobble!
[The scary road, night. The skies have cleared to reveal a bright
full moon. The camera moves down to the road and Butters comes
into view singing to himself]
BUTTERS
For family fun and great food, too,
come on down to... Bennigan's
[a shadow flies over the trees in front of him, and an eerie
cry is heard. He stops]
Buffalo wings and fried food, cokes, and Foster Farms at... Bennigan's
[a snarling sound is heard. He stops and turns right, looking
into the trees]
Uhuh, hello? [after a while of looking, he turns left and starts
walking again] So come and eat at...
A VOICE
Why can't he see us?
BUTTERS
...Bennigan's.
You'll love all our... shenanigans.
[the eerie sound is heard again, and three red dots are ained
at his forehead - he has been targeted by someone, or something...
He turns right again and looks into the trees. Someone looks
back, and turns on thermal vision. A neon view of Butters is
shown. Butters turns left and start walking agian. The three
dots remain trained on his forehead]
Oh, nutsack [moves his hands to his mouth and gasps a bit] Oops.
["The Butters Show" splash screen]
CHOIR
Everyone knows it's Butters!
BUTTERS
That's me!
[Butters' house, day, the anniversary has arrived. Inside, Chris
and Linda are fighting over the details of the unfolding story
of Butters' disappearance. He sits on the sofa; she's pacing
the floor, crying, and both are unkempt]
CHRIS
Naw, Linda! Because you can't now say
that the abductor is Costa Rican! You
have to learn to keep it straight!
LINDA
I can't keep it straight when you keep
inventing new parts to the story!
CHRIS
Hey, don't forget that I'm covering
for you!
LINDA
Don't forget: your lies started all
this.
CHRIS
My lies may have been deceitful, but
your lies cover up something much more
horrible than anything I ever did!
BUTTERS
Happy Anniversary!
CHRIS
Not now, Butters!
BUTTERS
Oh. Alright, then. I-
LINDA
Butters?? Oh, Butters!
CHRIS
Son! I don't believe it!
BUTTERS
Ah, I'm sorry. The car just rolled into
the lake, and it floated all the way
down the river. I tried callin' home,
but it was-
LINDA
Oh, my baby's back!
BUTTERS
I ain't grounded, am I?
CHRIS
No-huih, no, Butters. Oh, son, why...
Oh... Uh, we're gonna need you to tell
a little white lie about where you've
been though, alright?
BUTTERS
Lie?
LINDA
Oh. Eh yes. Uh darling, you're going
to have to say you don't know how you
got home.
CHRIS
No! You have to say that a Puerto Rican
man dropped you off!
LINDA
Ohhh, who's gonna believe he just dropped
him off?!
BUTTERS
Hey, you stop hollerin'! It's your anniversary.
CHRIS
Now we don't really have a choice,
do we?!
LINDA
You're the one that made up the stuff
about the Puerto Rican, IDIOT!
BUTTERS
Uh stop it, Mom and Dad.
CHRIS
Well you're the one who couldn't back
it up wit a description, stupid!
BUTTERS
Now gosh darn it, you! You listen here!
Now I am sick of these harmless lies
and l-little white lies. You know, you
can call a shovel an ice-cream machine,
but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad.
Ah, and you can call a lie whatever
you want, but it's still a no-good stinkin'
lie! And when you start coverin' up
one lie with another why, now that's
when you get into real trouble! Boy
I've, I've just about had it up to here
with you two!
CHRIS
...Butters... You're as right as rain.
LINDA
You sure are.
BUTTERS
Well I ain't in trouble for hollerin'
at ya, am I?
LINDA
No, Butters. You're the best son in
the whole world. And I am so happy
you're alive.
BUTTERS
...Well ah, I'm happy you're alive too,
Mom. So now can we go to Bennigan's?
CHRIS
You bet, son. But Mommy and Daddy have
something they have to do first.
[Butters' house, day. The news media and the spectators are back
at the Stotch house for another press conference.. The front
door opens and the Stotches step forth to the podium, all cleaned
up and well-dressed. Cameramen begin taking pictures]
CHRIS
We... have an announcement to make,
um. Our son has been returned to us.
MAN IN CROWD
Wow, alright
STAN
Butters was missing?
CHRIS
But, that isn't all we have to say.
You see, we learned a very important
lesson tonight and it took the smarts
of our young son to show us.
BUTTERS
Yeah!
LINDA
We've learned that deception is wrong
and that the only thing to ever make
it right again is to come clean.
BUTTERS
Yeah!
CHRIS
You see, I've been deceiving my wife
for several months. I was going to gay
movie- and bathhouses and having sex
with random men who were complete strangers.
BUTTERS
Ye-! wait, what?
CARTMAN
Huho!
LINDA
And when I found out I went crazy,
I went crazy and I drove my son into
the lake to kill 'im.
BUTTERS
Uh, k-kill me? Uh Jesus Christ!
STAN
Damn, dude.
CHRIS
So you see, there was no "some Puerto
Rican guy." He doesn't exist. And so
the people we owe the biggest apology
to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit,
and O.J. We gave you false hope for
finding the person who hurt those close
to you and, we're sorry. Now we're just
happy we won't have to live a life of
secrets. For I knew that even though
some of you supported us, some others
were looking at me and thinking, "You're
a liar! You're a LIAR!" "You know somethin'
that you're not telling us, you slimy,
scumbag LIAR!!" Eh you know, that's
what people would say to me. And then
people would see my wife at the supermarket
and they would say, "Hello," but they'd
be thinking, "Ah, there goes that MURDERER!"
"You got away with MURDER you murdering,
lying, waste of life!!" And to me,
people might say things like, "LIAR!
Tell us what you know you God-damned
LIAR!!" And so, to both of us, people
all over town would be saying things
like, "You know God-damn well what
happened to your kid, so stop acting
like victims, and confess, you MURDERING
MURDERERS!!" "CONFESS!!" "LIAR!! CONFESS!!"
You know, and, that's what people would
be saying to us, and so, we just had
to come forward and tell the truth.
LINDA
We're sorry we lied to you all. It won't
happen again.
CHRIS
And now, if you'll excuse us, this family
has to get to Bennigan's.
MAN 2 IN CROWD
Yeah-ah-alright!
STAN
Wow dude, your dad's a perv and your
mom tried to kill you.
BUTTERS
Yeah. Boy, you fellas are sure gonna
rip on me at school now.
CARTMAN
We sure are.
BUTTERS
I really wish I didn't know that stuff.
I guess I learned that sometimes, lying
can be for the best. Yup. Oh well, when
I want a chipotle bleu cheese bacon
burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about
my dad... bein' queer and my mom tryin'
to kill me. I'm gonna be okay.
STAN
Really?
BUTTERS
Naw, I'm lyin'
CHRIS
Let's go, son.
BUTTERS
Wuh comin', Dad!
CHOIR
Everyone knows it's Butters!
BUTTERS
That's me!
THE END
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