"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 813
"CARTMAN'S INCREDIBLE GIFT"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Cartman's yard, side of the house, day. The fourth grade boys
are gathered there for some reason]
CLYDE
I don't know, that looks pretty high
up.
BUTTERS
Yeah. I think it'd be better to start
lower.
STAN
Dude, I really don't think it's smart,
Cartman.
CARTMAN
This is gonna be totally cool, you guys.
STAN
It's not gonna work; just come down
from there.
CARTMAN
...Geez, this looks a lot higher from
up here.
KYLE
What's going on?
STAN
Cartman thinks he can fly off of his
roof.
KYLE
Do it! Do it!
CARTMAN
I'm gonna.
CRAIG
I wouldn't if I were you.
TOKEN
Those wings don't look very strong.
KYLE
Don't listen to 'em, Cartman! I'm sure
it'll work. Go for it. Yaaay Cartman!
Fly fly fly!
CARTMAN
Okay, here we go. Since the days of
Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight.
On this historic day, let us go on to
KYLE
Awww, go on and do it already!
CARTAMN
Hold on, I'm givin' my speech! On this
historic day, we remember the Wright
Brothers: Orville and Redenbacher, whose
dreams and visions inspired generations.
STAN
He's not gonna do it.
CARTMAN
And now, again, one man's vision ushers
in a new era of aerial travel, proving
the power of imagination and intellect.
The magic... of flight!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Cartman is in a recovery room with
bruises on his face and a black left eye. The medical staff attends
him. Outside, Mrs. Cartman appears and rushes in to see Cartman]
LIANE
Oh my God! Eric! Eric, Mommy's here.
Sweetie? Oh what's wrong with him?
DR. KELS
I'm afraid that your son is... incredibly
stupid. He thought he could fly with
cardboard wings. The stupidity is so
severe that it caused a fall, which
has... put him into a deep coma.
LIANE
Coma... My God, for- for how long?
DR. KELS
There's no telling. He may never recover.
We'll just have to wait. And see.
[Hell's Pass, some time later. The camera pans down back onto
Cartman, who is now covered in facial hair and a bandage around
his head.]
SINGERS
Seasons change, time passes by.
As the weeks become the months become the years.
CARTMAN
Eugh...
LIANE
Oh my... Doctor! He's awake!
CARTMAN
Wheh? Where am I?
LIANE
Oh, you've finally come back! It's a
miracle!
DR. KELS
You're at the hospital, Eric. You've...
been in a coma for some time.
CARTMAN
Coma... How long?
DR. KELS
It's been two days. Nurse, you can remove
his face-warmer now.
NURSE
Yse, Doctor.
DR. KELS
Now, Eric, you've suffered massive head
traume. Your road to recovery will be
long and arduous. At least another two
days.
SINGERS
Seasons change, time passes by.
As the weeks become the months become the years.
LIANE
You're doing so much better, muffin.
CARTMAN
Why the hell do I have to share my room
with other patients? This is bullcrap!
LIANE
Oh, you're sounding just like your old
self again.
DR. KELS
I'm sorry, detectives, there was nothing
we could do.
DETECTIVE
Damnit! Another murder victim! For three
years the Left-Hand killer has been
at large and I've exhausted every lead!
Maybe... I just don't have what it takes
to be a cop anymore.
MURPHY
We'd better get back to the station,
sir.
CARTMAN
Good, because you assholes have kept
me up for three hours!
DETECTIVE
All right, let's go, Murphy. Hang on
a second, where are, where are my car
keys?
CARTMAN
Probably in your front pocket, dumbass!
DETECTIVE
Doctor, didn't you say that kid suffereed
head trauma?
DR. KELS
Yes, it was pretty severe.
MURPHY
What is it, Lou?
LOU
I've... heard cases where people suffering
head trauma awaken to some psychic abilities.
MURPHY
Aw, come on, sir.
LOU
I know it's ridiculous , but I'm gonna
explore every possibility I can. Hello,
young man, could we have a quick word
with you?
CARTMAN
Not now! The nurse is gonna walk in
any minute with my lunch.
NURSE 2
Twelve-thirty, Eric. Lunch time.
LOU
Young man, how did you know the nurse
was gonna walk in just now?
CARTMAN
I don't know, I just knew it. Aww man,
this smells like meatloaf. Again?!
NURSE 2
Yep, meatload again.
MURPHY
Jesus, how did he...?
LOU
Little boy... Well it's a snowball's
chance in hell but... we were wondering
if you could come down and see if your...
new powers could help us catch the killer.
LIANE
His new... powers?
[Stark's Pond, newly restored from the demolished Wall*Mart,
much bigger than it was before, night. A crime scene at the docks
is shown, complete with boat floating around]
FEMALE DETECTIVE
All right, make sure you get pictures
of everything in this crime scene.
OFFICER 1
Who's the kid?
OFFICER 2
He's supposed to be some kind of psychic.
OFFICER 1
Aw Christ.
LOU
This is... where the body was found.
Multiple stab wounds, just like all
the others.
CARTMAN
How come the outline is missing its
hand?
MURPHY
The killer always cuts off the left
hand of his victim, and keeps it as
a trophy.
LOU
Stand back, give him room! Come on,
kid, concentrate! What do you see in
your mind?
[Cartman begins to concentrate and his eyes begin to twitch.
First he sees a muffing with chocolate topping and sprinkles,
then powdered doughnuts, then a cup of vanilla ice cream - with
sprinkles being added]
CARTMAN
Ice cream. Covered with... chocolate
sprinkles... Double-Stuff Oreos...
He ... He's taking the top of one and...
...and he puts it together to make
Quadruple-Stuffs! I see...ice cream,
and sprinkles, and Quadruple-Stuffs!
LOU
Jesus Christ!
MURPHY
Sir?
LOU
Tom Johannsen, the owner of the ice
cream shop!
[Mr. Johansen's house, night. The detectives ring his doorbell
and he answers]
MR. JOHANSEN
Yes? Oh, hello, detectives.
LOU
Mr. Johansen, could we have a quick
word with you?
MR. JOHANSEN
Wuhsure, come on in. I'm afraid the
house is a little bit of a disaster
area since I have
LOU
Get him! Code 6! Code 6!
OFFICER 3
Use the taser! Use the taser!
OFFICER 4
Do it again!
[Mr. Johansen's house outside, front. Police cars and vans have
gathered outside and the siren lights are still rotating]
OFFICER 5
He put up a hell of a fight, but we
got him!
MR. JOHANSEN
Why? Why??
LOU
Congratulations, Eric. You just stopped
the biggest killer in South Park history.
MURPHY
We would give you a reward, but I guess
that knowing the people of South Park
are safe again is reward enough.
CARTMAN
Guess again.
MURPHY
All right, here's a hundred dollars.
CARTMAN
Wow!
LOU
His powers are uncanny. Take good care
of him, Ms. Cartman. Make sure he uses
his powers for good.
LIANE
Oh he will. My little poopsiekins is
a very good little boy.
[South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Cartman runs
down the hall dressed in a bath robe and using a cane]
CARTMAN
I'm a psychic and you are worse. I have
super-awesome powers. You don't.
KYLE
Cartman, what did you do?!
CARTMAN
Oh, didn't you hear, Kyle? I used my
new psychic abilities to catch the serial
killer. And I made a hundred bucks!
KYLE
Nice old Mr. Johansen runs a candy shop!
He wasn't a killer and you know it!
CARTMAN
Then why did I see ice cream and cookies
when I closed my eyes?
KYLE
Because you're a fucking fatass, that's
why?!
CARTMAN
Do not doubt my powers, Kyle!
KYLE
You don't have any powers!
CARTMAN
Don't make me do it, Kyle! I can make
your head explode with a single thoght!
BUTTERS
Wuh be careful, Kyle.
KYLE
He can't do crap!
CARTMAN
Fine, Kyle! You asked for it! Hee-at!
LOU
There he is! Hey, Eric! We've got a
little problem.
CARTMAN
What?
LOU
While the ice-cream store owner was
in jail, another murder was commited.
MURPHY
This body also had a missing hand and
a bowl of corn flakes next to it!
LOU
Which can only mean one thing!
KYLE
Ha! You see?!
LOU
That a copycat killer is on the loose!
We need your psychic abilities to catch
this new guy right away!
KYLE
What?!
MURPHY
We'll pay you up front this time! We've
gotta catch this new guy before he kills
again.
CARTMAN
I'm afraid that my powers... are not
for sale. ...And by that I mean they
absolutely are for sale. Let's go!
[Field report]
REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing in a meadow just outside
of town where police have discovered
the first victim of the serial copycat
killer. Child wunderkind Eric Cartman
is now arriving on the scene.
[The crime scene]
KYLE
This is fuckin' ridiculous!
LOU
Whattaya got, wunderkind? Are ya seeing
anything?
CARTMAN
No. Nothing.
OFFICER 6
Maybe his powers have left him.
OFFICER 7
Yeah.
CARTMAN
Wait a minute. Fried chicken. It's
tender and it's fresh. There's maple
syrup... Maple syrup's being put on
the chicken.
KYLE
What the hell is wrong with these people?!
WEIRD MAN
They're never gonna catch the serial
killer. He's too smart. Do you want
to see my cotton panties?
KYLE
Hey! What about this guy?!
MURPHY
Quiet! He's havin' a vision!
CARTMAN
It is fried chicken! Oh my God. It's
a fried chicken sundae.
WEIRD MAN
"Junior, what are you doing out?" I'm
sorry, Mother. "You come home rigtht
now and have sex with me!" No, Mommy!
KYLE
Hey, uh, does anyone know who that guy
is?!
LOU
I said quiet, you little brat, or I'll
have you arrested for interfering with
the law!
[The News 4 logo and screen come up on a TV]
ANNOUNCER
This is Park County News 4, with your
host, Jim Brown-ish
JIM BROWN
The copycat killer of the cut-off-the-left-hand
killer has been arrested. Police used
the help of Eric Cartman, a wunderkind
psychic detective. At the crime scene,
the young psychic had visions flash
before his mind, and the police immiedately
arrested the owner of Kentucky Fried
Chicken. The young man's visions were
so astounding that other police departments
have sought out his help.
[Cartman's house, day. He's in his room counting the money he's
made from his psychic work]
CARTMAN
If I'm happy and I know it, clap my
hands. *clap* *clap* If I'm happy and
I know it, clap my hands. *clap* *clap*
LIANE
Eric, sweetie, there's um, some people
here to see you.
CARTMAN
More people need to make use of my phenomenal
gifts, huh? Ahhh, it's so very tiring.
LIANE
Ah, no, these people claim that they
are the "real" psychic detectives.
[Living room, moments later. Liane and Cartman enter]
FEMALE PSYCHIC 1
So, you are the little boy who's been
taking all our work?!
LIANE
Oooh, I'll go make some tea.
MALE PSYCHIC 1
Kid, we have a problem. You didn't go
through the proper channels to become
a psychic detective like we all did.
OTHER PSYCHICS
Yeah!
CARTMAN
Proper channels?
MALE PSYCHIC 2
You were supposed to fill out the form
on the back of the comic book and pay
the twenty five dollar fee for the degree
from the Psychic Detective School.
CARTMAN
I was given my gift from a tragic accident.
I didn't need to go to Psychic Detective
School.
MALE PSYCHIC 1
Well you just can't say you're a psychic
detective, you have to use the ad in
the comic book!
FEMALE PSYCHIC 1
You must pay the twenty five dollar
fee and give us ten percent of yoru
earnings!
CARTMAN
Ten percent my balls, get lost!
FEMALE PSYCHIC 1
Very well, then you give us no choice.
Roger?
[Roger steps out from behind the sofa and prepares to battle
Cartman psychically. Cartman simply observes, then responds.
He and Roger battle with sound effects and hand gestures]
FEMALE PSYCHIC 1
All right everyone!
LIANE
Oh, poopsies, what's going on?
CARTMAN
Stand back, mother! We're having a telekinetic
battle of minds!
LIANE
O-o-o-o-o-oh!
FEMALE PSYCHIC 1
Enough! We are ...obviously quite evenly
matched. I guess this will have to be
settled in court.
CARTMAN
In court?
FEMALE PSYCHIC 1
We brought a class-action lawsuit against
you! We'll see you before the judge
tomorrow!
LIANE
Is it over?
[A camera shutter is heard and a picture of Ms. Crabtree appears,
with blood next to her left cheek. It looks like someone shot
her through the side of the head and her left hand is missing.
A detectuve continues taking pictures]
MURPHY
Her name is... Veronica Crabtree, busdriver
for the elementary school. She was considered
an ancillary character, one the fans
wouldn't miss much.
LOU
Jesus Christ! Cause of death?
MURPHY
Same MO, sir. Multiple stab wounds,
left hand cut off and missing.
LOU
So you're telling me somebody new is
now copying the crimes of the copycat
killer?! Jesus! Where will it end?!
Every time I put a killer behind bars,
another guy just steps in and takes
his place! What am I doing wrong?!
KYLE
Excuse me, sir? I think I know who
did this. We saw this guy at the last
crime scene, and, and you know how serial
killers sometimes return to the scene
of the crime? Well, I followed this
guy to his house, and when he left again,
I collected some fingerprints and did
a blood-sample analysis. I'm pretty
sure he's your man.
LOU
How do you know?? Are you psychic??
KYLE
No.
LOU
Look, kid, don't waste my time with
your blood-sampling fingerprinty hocus-pocus!
I have to find this new killer now!
I owe it to that victim over there!
I know she hadn't been in any recent
episodes, but DAMNIT she deserved better
than this! Come on, Murph, we've gotta
talk to Eric Cartman again!
KYLE
Why won't anybody listen to me?!
KENNY
(Don't take it personally, Kyle)
KYLE
I AM taking it personally because Cartman
is a retard! Just because he hit his
head and went into a coma doesn't mean
he's a- Wait, that's it. If I want people
to listen to me, I just have to be as
stupid as Cartman.
[Kyle's house, later. Kyle is standing at the edge of the roof
at the side of his house, sporting his own cardboard wings]
STAN
Dude, I really don't think that's a
good idea!
TOKEN
There has to be another way!
KYLE
Be sure to take me to the same hospital!
BUTTERS
Now Kyle, don't fly too close to the
sun, or it'll burn your wings, an- and
you'll crash into the ocean.
STAN
Butters, Goddamnit.
KYLE
All right, here we go. Since the days
of Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight.
On this historic day we rerme- aw screw
it!
STAN
Call an ambulance.
[Channel 4 News. A picture of handcuffs is shown, with "ARRESTS
MADE" above it]
JIM BROWN
Multiple arrests were made today for
the murder of Hillary Neals. Police
raided the South Park Motel 6 at 4 a.m.,
where seven psychic detectives were
staying. The psychic detectives' horrible
crime was found out by psychic detective
Eric Cartman , who is now the only psychic
not behind bars. What an amazing coincidence.
[Cartman watches the news from the sofa in the living room at
his house]
CARTMAN
Cool. Ah, Kyle is at the door. Come
in, Kyle! Who are you?
WEIRD MAN
You, you give everyone else credit for
my work, because you fail to see my
greatness.
CARTMAN
... 'K. Sweet.
WEIRD MAN
Because of you, nobody knows the extent
of my deeds.
CARTMAN
Oh yeah. Awesome. Hold on, just a second.
Mom, there's some homeless guy here.
Make him go away.
[Next scene is an unknown place. Cartman is strapped down to
a wheelchair. He awakens and struggles a bit]
CARTMAN
Hey. Hey, what's goin' on??
WEIRD MAN
You are obviously a big fan of my work.
CARTMAN
I don't even know you dude!
WEIRD MAN
But I am the serial killer! The one
whose rightful place in history you
have smirched!
CARTMAN
Oh Jesus.
WEIRD MAN
And now you will have a place of honor,
as my nineteenth victim.
CARTMAN
No! No, you don't wanna kill me. Please,
I'll give you anything you want!
WEIRD MAN
Before you die, let me show you the
things that I've done, so you will understand
the breadth of my transformation! This...
is me at the grand canyon. Do you see?
This is me at Mount Rushmore Do you
see?
CARTMAN
Heheh.
WEIRD MAN
Do you see??
CARTMAN
Yes yes, I see!
WEIRD MAN
Here I am at the Alamo in San Antonio.
This was just outside of the gift shop.
Do you see??
CARTMAN
AAAAAAAH!
[Park County Police Station, night]
LOU
Damnit! Damnit all to hell! They just
found another body! That means a fifth
copycat killer is on the loose! Where's
my psychic?!
FEMALE DETECTIVE
Sorry, Sarge, the psychic's mom says
her son hasn't been home for a couple
of hours.
OFFICER 8
Sir! Dr. Kels just called from the hospital!
He says another little boy just awoke
from a coma, and is having psychic visions!
SGT. LOU
Let's go!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, later. Dr. Kels leads them into the recovery
room]
DR. KELS
This is the young man here. He was in
a coma for over sixteen hours.
SGT. LOU
Doctor, could you remove his face warmer?
We'd like to speak with him.
DR. KELS
Of course. Nurse?
SGT. LOU
Young man, the doctor said you've had
some... visions about our newest murder?
KYLE
I see... a man... with a baseball cap.
He's killing now... Oh! I'm seeing
it all flash before my eyes! The guy's
name is Michael Deets, and he lives
at 621 Castillo Street. He's usually
there between seven and eleven p.m.
SGT. LOU
What do you think, Mitch?
MURPHY
I don't know. How do we know this kid
is really psychic? I mean, this boy
is certainly no Eric Cartman.
SGT. LOU
All right, we'll check this Deets guy
out. But let's use that one thing that
we never use.
MURPHY
...Sir?
SGT. LOU
You know, what's that one thing that
starts with an R that we never use?
MURPHY
...Restraint?
SGT. LOU
Yeah yeah, restraint. We'll check this
guy out, but let's use some restraint.
[Mr. Deets' basement. He's still showing Cartman his slides]
MR. DEETS
Look! Look at the things I've done!
Here I am at Yellowstone National Park!
Do you see?! Here are pictures of my
trip to Cheyenne for Frontier Days.
Do you see?!
CARTMAN
Oh my God! I'm so bored! Somebody help
me!
SGT. LOU
Good evening, sir. We're Park County
detectives. We were just wondering if
we could take a quick look around your
house, Misterrr...
MR. DEETS
God.
SGT. LOU
Well Mr. God, it won't take but a second;
it might help us with an investigation.
CARTMAN
(Hey! Come over here!)
SGT. LOU
I see you like cutting the eyes out
of photos of women. My son is a big
fan of that too.
MURPHY
Sarge! In here!
SGT. LOU
Jesus H.... That boy was right! Arrest
that guy! Whoawhoawaitwaitheywait wait
yo! Oh wait a minute, no ah, I'm wrong.
MURPHY
Sir?
SGT. LOU
This isn't the guy. The serial killer
always cuts off the victims' left hands.
MURPHY
Right.
SGT. LOU
Well those aren't left hands. See,
on your left hand, the thumb faces to
the left. Those are all right hands.
MURPHY
Ohhh.
SGT. LOU
Nope, this isn't our man. We're sorry,
Mr. God. It appears we've wasted your
time.
CARTMAN
(Hey! Get me out of here!)
MURPHY
Heh, pretty amazing coincidence that
guy had a bunch of hands on his wall.
Heh, no wonder that boy thought he was
a killer.
SGT. LOU
Yeah... Amazing coincidence...
MURPHY
Heh- sir?
SGT. LOU
Call it police intuition, but sonethin'
in there just didn't feel right. Wait
a minute.
MURPHY
Sarge... What is it?
SGT. LOU
I'm not sure. I'm gonna have to run
some tests.
[Park County Police Station, night. Montage. Lou types away at
his computer, then analyzes his left hand again, then returns
to the keyboard. He then goes to the lab and looks over his notes.
Next to him are two hands, one right and one left. He rotates
the right hand so both thumbs point to the left, from his POV,
then takes more notes. He develops some pictures in the darkroom
and finds matching hands. He works with a 3D model drawing with
another computer, then traces his left hand on a wall and takes
measurements. He returns to the lab and works with some chemicals.
Next he chops some firewood into smaller chunks. Next he's at
a gym jumping rope. Next he's at a beach far from South Park
playing volleyball with some women. Next he's repairing the body
of a car with a welding torch...]
SGT. LOU
Murphy, do you remember what I was
supposed to be doing?
MURPHY
Oh. Uhhh... Oh. Something about hands,
sir? Uh for the serial killer?
SGT. LOU
Oh right! The hands! Right!
[Again he goes to his computer and types awaym then he's back
at the lab taking pictures of the two fake hands there, then
makes silhouettes of a dog, then models another hand in the computer
and gets a match]
SGT. LOU
Oh my God. Murphy! You're not gonna
believe this.
[Mr. Deets' house, basement. Mr. Deets has resumed showing his
pictures to Cartman. A picture of him at Ocean World's Splash
Zone is shown, then a blank. He turns the projector off]
MR. DEETS
That's it, no more pictures. Time to
die.
CARTMAN
No, please! I'm sorry I gave other people
credit for your killings. Ahah, it was,
it was very wrong for me to lie about
the other psychics and get them arrested.
MR. DEETS
Your hand will be one with the others.
CARTMAN
Please just let me go! Ah I'm gonna
tell everyone I'm not really psychic!
I've learned my lesson! Please, I don't
wanna- I don't wanna have to use my
psychic mind missile on you!
SGT. LOU
Hold it right there, killer!
CARTMAN
You got here just in time. He was gonna
kill me because he was insanely jealous
of my incredible psychic ability.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The detectives, the psychics, Cartman,
Stan, and Kenny]
SGT. LOU
Well young man, you did an amazing thing.
Not only did your psychic visions help
us catch the killer, but a lot of innocent
people are out of jail.
MALE PSYCHIC 3
Yes, thank you very much, Kyle.
FEMALE PSYCHIC
Yes, thanks.
MURPHY
You're certainly a better psychic then
Eric.
KYLE
No, don't you see? Cartman never had
psychic visions. And neither do these
people. The plain simple truth is that
nobody is psychic. There's a logical
explanation for every psychic story
you've ever heard.
MURPHY
Do you think that's true?
SGT. LOU
It must be true. The kid is psychic.
But I don't suppose it really matters
much. Because in the end, the way I
caught the killer was with... good old-fashioned
police work. Come on, Murphy.
FEMALE PSYCHIC
Well young man, I guess that just leaves
one score to settle.
CARTMAN
You can't hurt me.
MALE PSYCHIC 1
Then let this be our final battle!
KYLE
Just stop it! Stoopp iitt!! There's
a logical explanation for that.
THE END
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