"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 402
"CARTMAN'S SILLY HATE CRIME 2000"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, Monday during the day. The kids are out
on the playground. The camera pans to the right, showing kids
on the hobby elephants, the swings, and the jungle gym. It rests
on Butters holding a starting flag.]
BUTTERS
Wuh-okay! You guys ready up there!?
Sledders [three teams of four boys apiece] Ready!
BUTTERS
On your marks! Get set! Uh-go!
STAN
We win again!
TOKEN
That's not fair! Cartman's ass is so
fat he makes your sled go faster!
CARTMAN
Ey! Don't call me fat, Token!
GIRL IN PINK
We want to use the sleds now, butt pirates!
STAN
Sleds are for guys.
CARTMAN
Yeah! Why don't you chicks go wash some
dishes or get pregnant or something?!
GIRL IN PINK
These are the school's sleds, ass rammers,
not yours!
STAN
Look, girls don't even know how to sled.
Do something else.
THE REST OF THE BOYS
Yeah!
GIRL IN PINK
I bet we can sled ten times better than
you, doughnut punchers!
KYLE
Oh yeah?!
THE GIRLS
Yeah!
CARTMAN
We'd kick your girlie ass in sledding!
GIRL IN PINK
How about a race down a real hill, then?!
THE GIRLS
Yeah!
STAN
You got it!
THE REST OF THE BOYS
Yeah!
A FEW OTHERS
Yeah!
GIRL IN PINK
Your best four sledders agains our best
four sledders!
STAN
Noo problem!
GIRL IN PINK
Then we'll see you this Saturday on
Phil Collins Hill!
KYLE
Phil Collins Hill on Saturday! You got
it!
GIRL IN PINK
See you there! And may the best woman
win, turd burglars!
STAN
Oh, boy! We'll show them!
BUTTERS
Yeah. Oo-oo-why, us men will show those
skanky hos who's who!
CLYDE
Yeah. Those girls don't realize what
good sledders Stan, Kyle, and Kenny
are.
TOKEN
Yeah! And with Cartman's enormously
fat ass, the boys are sure to win!
CARTMAN
Token, I swear to God, if you call me
fat one more time I'm gonna smack you
on the head with this rock!
KYLE
Fatass.
CARTMAN
There!
TOKEN
Oh!
CARTMAN
Heh. Huh. Uh-oh.
[Mr. Mackey's office, some time later. Eric and Token are seated
inside. Token's right arm is in a sling and his right eye is
blackened]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
And what you need to understand is that
this is not appropriate behavior, young
man! M'kay?
LIANE
Eric, don't you realize you could've
seriously injured your little friend?
CARTMAN
I'm sorry, Mom.
LIANE
Don't apologize to us, apologize to
him!
CARTMAN
I'm sorry, Token.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, I hope you learned that throwing
rocks is bayad, Eric.
CARTMAN
Oh, I sure do, Mr. Mackey. I mean, I
feel really bad, uhh. What was I thinking?
The only thing I can do now... is try
to go on and live day by day. See ya
later.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Not this time, Eric! You've got to
learn to respect your lttle friends!
You're gonna have detention for two
weeks!
CARTMAN
No way!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yes way! M'kay, and that settles it!
Now, let's all go-
MAN 1
Counselor Mackey?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yes?
MAN 1
I'm Agent Sharp and this is Agent Keen.
We're with the FBI.
AGENT KEEN
We're here to investigate the rock-throwing
incident.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Nn-um. m'kay, uh, I've already taken
care of it; Eric Cartman here is gonna
be punished with two weeks of detention.
AGENT SHARP
I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated
than that, Mr. School Counselor.You
see, since the victim in this case is
African-American, this is considered
a hate crime.
CARTMAN
...What the hell is a hate crime?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, oh, but I don't think this is a
ruh-
AGENT KEEN
New laws have been passed that make
any crime based on race, ethnicity,
or sexual orientation a federal offense.
CARTMAN
What? A federal offense?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh no.
CARTMAN
Oh no??
AGENT KEEN
We're sorry, Ms. Cartman, but we must
follow protocol. Your son will be taken
into custody and then tried in a federal
court of law.
LIANE
Oh my goodness.
[Trial TV, Tuesday. The letters fly into place over blind Justice
holding the scales]
ANNOUNCER
The hate crime trial of the century
is underway on Court TV tracks U van.
. Live. Here's your host, Leslie Smith.
LESLIE
What turns a normal, fat little eight-year-old
boy into a vicious, hate-crime-commiting
racist? We take you live to the courtroom
as the defendant takes the stand.
[The courtroom. The prosecutor grills Cartman]
PROSECUTOR
Mr. Cartman, do you know a boy by the
name of "Token?"
CARTMAN
Uh, yes?
PROSECUTOR
Who is Token?
CARTMAN
He's a black kid that goes to my school?
PROSECUTOR
Black! Did you say black?! You called
him black?!
CARTMAN
He is black.
PROSECUTOR
O! He said it again! He is African-American,
and so you decided to pick him out!
CARTMAN
I did?
PROSECUTOR
The rage built and built inside your
head until it became too much because
you hate African-Americans!!
CARTMAN
No! I hate hippies!
PROSECUTOR
What?!
CARTMAN
I hate hippies! I mean, the way they
always talk about "protectin' the earth"
and then drive around in cars that get
poor gas mileage and wear those stupid
bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick
'em in the nuts!
LIANE
Oo, poopiekins?
PROSECUTOR
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this
is why we have hate-crime laws! This
"monster" commited a crime—not against
an individual, but against a race! Do
the democratic thing and send his fat
little butt to prison!
CARTMAN
Ey! Don't call me fat, asshole!
PROSECUTOR
The prosecution rests.
GIRL IN PINK
Don't forget: we still have a sledding
race this Saturday, pillow biters.
STAN, KYLE
We know!
STAN
Dude, this is horrible. We gotta get
Cartman out of court so we can go practice.
[The courtroom, some time later. A verdict has been reached,
and the Judge announces it.]
JUDGE
Eric Cartman, you have been found guilty
of commiting a hate crime. For this,
I hereby sentence you to the Alamosa
Juvenile Hall, until you turn twen-ty
one.
CARTMAN
No!
JUDGE
I am making an example of you, to send
a message out to people everywhere:
that if you want to hurt another human
being, you'd better make damn sure they're
the same color as you are! Court is
adjourned!
THE GIRLS
Woohoo! Hooray!
JUDGE
Bailiffs, escort this little bastard
to Juvenile Hall.
BLACK BAILIFF
Yes, sir.
WHITE BAILIFF
Alright, you! ...Uh-uh-uh, where'd he
go?
[Kenny's house. Cartman rushes up to it and pounds on the front
door. Kenny opens the door]
CARTMAN
Kenny! Kenny, you have to get me out
of town!
KENNY
(What the fuck for?!)
CARTMAN
They're gonna put me in jail for a hate
crime! You have to take me to Mexico!
KENNY
(Mexico?! Why the heck do I have to
take you all the way to Mexico?!)
CARTMAN
Calm down, Kenny!
KENNY
(Hey!)
CARTMAN
Do you still have that battery-powered
toy truck you got last Christmas?!
KENNY
(Yyes)
CARTMAN
Well, come on! I don't have much time!
[NEWS FLASH
"High Speed Chase"]
ANCHOR
A car chase is evolving on the 285 corridor
east of South Park! Hate-crime suspect
Eric Cartman is trying to outrun federal
prosecutors in his friend's Go-Go Action
Bronco! Our Eye in the Sky Greg Nimins
is there live. Greg?
GREG NIMINS
Tom, it looks like the Go-Go Action
Bronco is heading east on 285. Police
officers are right behind him but as
with any chase, they're keeping a safe
distance to avoid any accidents here
out on the highway. Tom, it looks like
the fugitive is going to make a bold
move off an exit off 285. He's going
into a residential neighborhood now;
this is where it could get dangerous,
as there are pedestrians about.
[In the Go-Go Action Bronco]
CARTMAN
Damnit, Kenny! Can't this thing go any
faster?!
KENNY
(Why don'tcha keep your head down?!)
[back to the report]
GREG NIMINS
Tom, the police have set a roadblock
right where the Go-Go Action Bronco
is heading. This could be the final
stand-off.
POLICEMAN 1
Alright, that's far enough. Stop the
Go-Go Action Bronco and come out with
your hands up. Just bring it to a stop
and come on out. Jeezus, he's gonna
ram it! Crazy son of a bitch.
[NEWS FLASH
Continuing coverage. Stan and Kyle watch
the news flash at Stan's house]
GREG NIMINS
Well, it's been over thirteen hours
now, and still the car chase has not
ended.
KYLE
What the hell are they doing?
GREG NIMINS
The chase has now moved through most
of Arizona and nears the Mexican border.
STAN
Dude, if Kenny takes Cartman to Mexico,
how are we ever gonna win the sledding
race on Saturday?
KYLE
Don't worry, dude. That little truck
just runs on D batteries. It's gonna
run out of juice soon.
[The Arizona desert]
CARTMAN
: We're gonna make it, Kenny! We're
gonna make it to Mexico! Oh, God damnit!
[Stan's house. The phone rings]
STAN
Hello?
GIRL IN PINK
Just a friendly reminder: Cartman's
going to jail and you've got four days
until the race, rump rangers!
STAN
Son of a bitch!
[A truck arrives at the main gates of a prison in the desert.
The gates part and the truck enters]
DRIVER
Here we are, the end of the road. Alamosa
Maximum Security Juvenile Hall.
[A few moments later, and Cartman is in an orange prison suit
being admitted]
WARDEN
Prisoner 24601, arriving. Forward,
prisoner! You will wake up each morning
at 0500. Lockdown is until 0900. At
ten we begin random searches and checks
for contraband. At 11:30 we have naptime,
followed by finger-painting. Your cellmate
is Romper Stomper!
CARTMAN
Huh-who's Romper Stomper?
ROMPER STOMPER
I am! And I don't want no new cellmate!
WARDERN
You don't have a choice, Stomper! Now,
show this new prisoner the ropes!
ROMPER STOMPER
Oh, I will! You bet your ass I will.
STAN
Alright, guys. It looks like Cartman's
not gonna be able to sled with us for
another... 13 years, so in the meantime
we need someone to race with us against
the girls on Saturday.
KYLE
Yeah. Cartman's weight was what gave
us speed, so we need to find the next-fattest
kid besides Cartman.
STAN
Come on, who's the second-fattest kid
in South Park?
BUTTERS
...Uuhh, I think Clyde is the next-fattest
uh-kid.
CLYDE
Huh?
KYLE
Yeah. Okay, get over here, Clyde.
CLYDE
I'm not fat.
STAN
Deal with it, dude! Cartman's gone,
so now you're the fat kid.
KYLE
Yeah, fatss! Get your fat butt on the
sled!
CLYDE
Hey, I'm not fat, you guys. I'm just
kind of big-boned.
STAN
Dah, that's what they all say. Okay,
ready? Go!
KYLE
Awwgh! Hey dude, we don't even have
enough weight to move.
GIRL IN PINK
See you Saturday, poo sniffers!
STAN
Nice going, fat boy!
[Alamosa Juvenile Hall. Some of the kids gather around Cartman.]
ROMPER STOMPER
Well, well, well. Nwe fish. How about
you come up with a reason why we don't
break your arms?!
INMATES
Yeah!
CARTMAN
Uh... 'Cause I'm just like you guys. Uh-I'm
one of you.
ROMPER STOMPER
Oh yeah? The way I see it, there's two
kinds of kids in the world: kids who
like Animaniacs, and kids who don't
like Animaniacs. You're either with
us, or you're against us. So which are
you?!
CARTMAN
Oh, uh, well, personally, I... uhuhuhuh,
I... don't like Animaniacs?
ROMPER STOMPER
...Neither do we
CARTMAN
Oh, thank you, Jesus. So we're friends
now?
ROMPER STOMPER
No! There's no friends in the Big House!
You come in with nobody and you leave
with nobody. We don't believe in "friends."
INMATES
Yeah!
CARTMAN
Yeah, neither do I. Friends suck.
ROMPER STOMPER
Now, go find me some cigarettes and
I'll tell you how to bust out of here.
[Phil Collins Hill, second practice run. Kyle and Kenny add the
finishing touches to something on the sled]
STAN
Okay, we've figured it out. To add more
weight to the sled, we're gonna use
these bricks , but we're gonna cover
'em with kid's clothes so that the girls
think it's another kid!
PIP
Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
CLYDE
So I don't get to be on the team now?
ALL THE BOYS
Shut up, fatass!
KYLE
Yeah, why don't you go eat some more
pork rinds or something, you fat fuck?!
STAN
Come on, let's get it a try.
KENNY, STAN
Woopee!
STAN
Yeah-
STAN, KENNY, KYLE
Wo-o-o-o-oh!
STAN
Dude, bail! Bail!
KENNY
(Huh? Uh.) (AAAAAA!) (Ufff!) (Ugh!)
STAN
Ooh, my God, we killed Kenny.
KYLE
We killed Kenny?
STAN
We Killed Kenny. We're bastards.
KYLE
Well, that didn't work. What else can
we try?
STAN
Nothing else is gonna work. We have
to face the fact that without Cartman
we're gonna lose to a bunch o' girls.
BUTTERS
Well, uh-I sure do hate to, uh, to see
my gender tuh, lose to a bunch o' women!
PIP
This is a sad day for men everywhere.
STAN
You know something, guys? I think we
all took Cartman's ass for granted.
ALL THE BOYS
Yeup.
KYLE
If only we had realized how special
our time with his gigantic ass was.
BUTTERS
Well, all that time we didn't understand
what a... unique and magical ass it was.
GIRL IN PINK
Woohoo. Great time, girls. Oh, gee.
Looks like you lost another sledder.
Good luck on Saturday, doughnut punchers!
STAN
That does it! We've got no other choice!
We've got to bust Cartman out of jail!
SOME BOYS
Oh?
OTHER BOYS
Huh?
KYLE
How?
STAN
I saw a movie once where they baked
a cake and put a nail file inside of
it.
KYLE
Sweet! Let's go!
THE GROUP
Hooray! Alright! Here we go!
MOTHER 1
And have you been brushing your teeth?
BOY 1
Yes, Mommy.
MOTHER 1
And not dropping your soap?
BOY 1
Yes, Mommy.
BOY 2
Hi, Mom.
MOTHER 2
Young man, that is the fourth time you've
been late for our visiting time; you
are grounded.
BOY 2
Grounded? On, no! Um, wait...
GUARD
Here you go, boys. Keep it short.
CARTMAN
Hey you guys.
KYLE
Hey, fatass. How's prison?
CARTMAN
Well, it sucks balls. Whattaya think?
STAN
Cartman, why the hell did you have to
commit a hate crime?! We're gonna lose
to girls because of you!
KYLE
Yeah! So you gotta bust out of here.
So we made you this cake. There's
a ailnay ilefay inside of it.
CARTMAN
A what?
KYLE
An ailnay ilefay.
CARTMAN
Wwhat's that?
KYLE
Listen, aggotfay! An ailnay ilefay so
you can eakbray out of isonpray!
STAN
Yeah, you stupid umbassday!
CARTMAN
I'd love to eat a cake, you guys, but
they don't let us take anything back
to the cells from here
KYLE
They on'tday?! Why the ellhay otnay?!
It ooktay ourfay ourshay to akebay this
Od-damnedgay akecay, and ownay we're
otallytay ewedscray!
STAN
...Yeah.
CARTMAN
Look, that's not important right now!
Did you guys bring the cigarettes?
KYLE
Well, we got some cigarettes, but we
don't think you should be smoking. Each
year, over a million people die of smo-
CARTMAN
Just hand over the God-damned cigarettes!
STAN
Sshh!
CARTMAN
Look, if you guys want me back to win
the sledding race, then I need those
cigarettes.
STAN
How are we supposed to give them to
you?
CARTMAN
Just pass them through these little
drill holes here. That's what everybody
does.
STAN
But they're gonna search you on your
way back to your cell.
CARTMAN
I know. That's why I have to have them
up my ass. Shut up, you guys! It's
not funny!
STAN
Alright, here.
CARTMAN
Well, okay... here... l'see...
STAN
Wow. I really wish I hadn't sat here
and watched that.
KYLE
Me too.
CARTMAN
Okay, guys, eh... If you'll excuse me,
I must be going now.
KYLE
Don't fart on your way out; you might
make little smoke signals.
CARTMAN
Hahah. Very funny, you guys, hahah.
[Alamosa Juvenile Hall, outside the main gate. Stan and Kyle
exit and Stan sets the cake on the ground.]
STAN
That sucks that we couldn't give him
the nail file.
KYLE
So now what do we do?
STAN
There's only one thing we can do. We
have to go see Token and see if he'll
forgive Cartman for hate-criming him.
Come on, we're running out of time!
[Alamosa Juvenile Hall, Cartman's cell. He enters]
ROMPER STOMPER
Well, did you get the cigarettes?
CARTMAN
Yes. They are safely concealed in the
depths of my ass.
ROMPER STOMPER
Alright. Go sit on the toilet and poop
them out. I'll keep an eye out for the
guards.
CARTMAN
Engh. Egh. Uuuh, stupid cigarettes.
One. Heh, two. Come on! Uugh, come
on, now! Come on, uuhhhgghh yeahhh.
Hoh. Phew. Hoh. ...Oh, God-damnit!
ROMPER STOMPER
You flushed them?!
CARTMAN
Well, you spend eight years takin' a
crap and then flushin' the toilet; it
sorta becomes a reflex! Please, just
help me bust out of here.
ROMPER STOMPER
No way, douche. I told you: I ain't
your friend. If you want me to help
you, you're gonna have to sneak something
else in for me.
CARTMAN
Son of a bitch!
[South Park, Friday during the day. Stan and Kyle get off a bus
onto an affluent part of town]
KYLE
Dude, I didn't know Token lived so far
away.
STAN
Yeah. You know, they bus in people from
different races to our school to promote
cultural diversity.
KYLE
Yeah. But isn't Token the only one?
STAN
Yeah.
TOKEN'S MOTHER
Hello?
STAN
Hi. Can Token come out and play?
TOKEN'S MOTHER
Well, his head is still a little sore,
but you can come in, if you like.
KYLE
Killer.
STAN
Token, you don't wanna see us guys
lose to girls tomorrow, do you?
TOKEN
No.
KYLE
Well then, you've got to call the jail
right now and tell them that you forgive
Cartman for being a dumbass!
TOKEN
Yeah.
TOKEN'S FATHER
I'm afraid it's not that simple, boys.
STAN
It's not?
TOKEN'S FATHER
No. You see, the only person that can
let Eric out of Juvenile Hall is the
governor.
KYLE
Damnit! Son of a bitch, damnit! Oh,
sorry.
TOKEN'S FATHER
No, I'b, actually agree with you.
KYLE
Huh?
TOKEN'S FATHER
Yeah. I have a real problem.with hate-crime
legislation. In fact, I'd love to see
you kids go down and give the governor
a piece of my mind.
STAN
Well, why don't you tell the governor
yourself?
TOKEN'S FATHER
Oh, he wouldn't listen to me.
KYLE
Why not?
TOKEN'S FATHER
Because I'm black.
STAN, KYLE
Oh.
TOKEN'S FATHER
Sit down, boys. I'm gonna give you a
little lesson about hate-crime laws.
[Alamosa Juvenile Hall. Cartman is at the toilet pooping something
else. Romper is reading]
CARTMAN
Oh, thank God! Oh, thank you, Jesus,
uh! Hoh. Here you go, God-damnit!
ROMPER STOMPER
Cool! My very own Tic-Tac-Throw game.
Ew, it smells, man.
CARTMAN
Well, what the hell do you expect, huh?!
Now I got your stupid game; tell me
how to break out of here!
ROMPER STOMPER
You're not gonna break out of here!
You're here 'til you're 21, douche!
CARTMAN
But you said-
ROMPER STOMPER
I just wanted you to sneak stuff in
for me. What? You actually think I give
a crap about you?
CARTMAN
I thought that-
ROMPER STOMPER
Hneah. You'd better wise up to the way
things work in the big house. Hey guys!
I gots me a new Tic-Tac-Throw Yeah,
it's a little ripe, but it's brand new,
man! You can play it at recess. Hey.
Uh, what are you doing? You... you can't
cry in prison, man. They'll bust your
head open. What's the matter with you?!
CARTMAN
I want my Mo-omm
ROMPER STOMPER
Dude.
CARTMAN
Mommy, I want my Mommy!
ROMPER STOMPER
Look, if it's that important to you,
I'll bust you out of here.
CARTMAN
You will?
ROMPER STOMPER
Yeah. ...Yyeah, I will. Uh-but not because
you're my friend. Only because... because
I wanna bust out, too. Anh-anh, and
see Disneyland.
[The governor's office, day. An aide peeks in]
AIDE
Governor, the Free Eric Cartman Now
Committee is here to see you?
GOVERNOR
Naw, not another committee. Send them
in. This is the Free Eric Cartman Now
Committee?
TOKEN
Yeah.
GOVERNOR
Well, boys, what can I do for you?
STAN
Okay, go ahead and start.
KYLE
I don't start, you start.
STAN
Oh, uhyeah. Hello, Mr. Governor, and
thank you for taking the time to hear
our presentation on hate-crime laws,
entitled, "Hate Crime Laws: A Savage
Hypocracy." Yes, over the past few
years our great country has been developing
new hate crime laws.
TOKEN
If somebody kills somebody, it's a
crime. But if someone kills somebody
of a different color, it's a hate crime.
KYLE
And we think that that is a savage
hypocracy, because all crimes are hate
crimes. If a man beats another man because
that man was sleeping with his wife,
is that not a hate crime?
STAN
If a person vandalizes a government
building, is it not because of his hate
for the government?
TOKEN
And motivation for a crime shouldn't
affect the sentencing.
STAN
Mayor, it is time to stop splitting
people into groups. All hate crimes
do is support the idea that blacks are
different from whites, that homosexuals
need to be treated differently from
non-homos, that we aren't the same.
KYLE
But instead, we should all be treated
the same, with the same laws and the
same punishments for the same crimes
. For in that way Cartman can be freed
from prison, and we will have a chance
to win the sledding race on Thursday.
STAN
That is our presentation. An idea that
we call...
TOKEN
"Hate Crime Laws: A Savage Hypocracy."
GOVERNOR
Hm. That made the most sense of any
presentation I've heard in the last
three years.
[Outside Alamosa Juvenile Hall, Friday night. Alarms sound and
searchlights abound, indicating someone has broken out. Footsteps
are heard, and Cartman and Romper climb over a hill]
ROMPER STOMPER
Hurry up! They're sending the dogs after
us! Mph. Oowww!
CARTMAN
What's the matter?
ROMPER STOMPER
It's my leg! I think it's broken.
You go on ahead without me.
CARTMAN
Uhokay.
ROMPER STOMPER
Hey. You're supposed to say, "I'm not
going without you," or something.
CARTMAN
Oh. Really?
ROMPER STOMPER
Look, kid, you go on. You've got something
to live out there. You've got friends.
CARTMAN
Yeah. I never really realized that until
just now.
ROMPER STOMPER
I sure would have liked to have seen
Disneyland. Here. I want you to have
these.
CARTMAN
Okay.
ROMPER STOMPER
No! You're supposed to say, "I can't
take these," or something, dumbass!
CARTMAN
Oh. I can't take these.
ROMPER STOMPER
Take them. They'll bring you luck.
Now go on. Get out of here.
CARTMAN
Romper?
ROMPER STOMPER
Yeah?
CARTMAN
You... well... I know you don't think you've...
ever been anybody's friend, but, well,
you're a friend to me.
GUARD
Alright, freeze!
CARTMAN
You'll never take us alive! We're going
down together, pigs!
GUARD
But you've been pardoned by the governor!
CARTMAN
O ho ho, sweet. Later, dudes.
[Phil Collins Hill, Saturday. The sledders are at the top of
the run and other kids are at the finish line]
GIRL IN PINK
Well, come on! Are we racing or not?!
STAN
Just wait. We got Cartman pardoned;
he'll be here any second.
KYLE
He's gotta show up. He's just got to.
GIRL IN PINK
Come on, my feet are getting cold, fudge
packers!
BEBE
Yeah. If you're too scared to race,
just say so!
KYLE
Dude, I guess we've jsut got to try
it without him.
STAN
Alright, where's Clyde.
CLYDE
Right here.
STAN
Get on the sled, you fat piece of shit!
CLYDE
For the last time, I'm not fat, so stop
calling me fat, God-damnit!
KYLE
On the sled, fatass!
GIRL IN PINK
Okay, girls. Time to show the boys what
we can do!
OTHER GIRLS
Yeah!
BUTTERS
Huh-okay. Uh-ready, uhset,-
CARTMAN
You guys!
STAN
It's Cartman!
BOY SLEDDERS
Hooray!
CARTMAN
That's right! I'm back!
CLYDE
Oh, thank you! Thank you for coming
back! Thank you so much. Thank you.
CARTMAN
What the hell's wrong with Clyde?
GIRL IN PINK
This is your last chance! Are we racing
or not?!
STAN
All right! Let's do this!
BUTTERS
Okay. Everybody ready? On your marks.
CARTMAN
I hope I can adjust to life outside
of the big house.
BUTTERS
Uh-get set. Go!
CARTMAN
Been on the inside for so long, I don't
rermember how to live on the outside.
KYLE
Go, fatass!
CARTMAN
When a man is stripped of his freedom,
degraded in the ways that I was, it's-
TOKEN, KYLE, STAN
Go, fatass!
STAN
Come on! We've gotta catch up to them!
GIRL IN PINK
We've got' em, girls!
KYLE
Oh no! The girls are gonna win!
KIDS AT FINISH LINE
Go! You can do it! Come on!
STAN
We're not gonna make it!
CARTMAN
Hey.
GIRL IN PINK
G'aaaaah!
BEAR
Rowr. {carries the girl in pink away]
BOY SLEDDERS
Hooray!
STAN
We did it!
GIRLS
Awww.
KYLE
We won! We won!
BUTTERS
Yeah. Why, we sure-uh gave those skanky
bitches what for!
BOYS
Hooray!
KYLE
It's good to have you back, Cartman.
STAN
Yeah,. We're never gonna take you ass
for granted ever again.
CARTMAN
Yeah, and I'm not gonna take my friends
for granted ever again.
PIP
Let's all hear it for Cartman's big,
fat ass! Oh-ff.
CARTMAN
Do British people count as an ethnicity
for hate crimes?
CARTMAN
Sweet.
[Alamosa Juvenile Hall, later, Romper's cell. He is reading]
GUARD
Hey! Romper Stomper! Get up! You got
a visitor!
ROMPER STOMPER
Eric!
CARTMAN
Hey, Romper Stomper.
ROMPER STOMPER
Wow! I've never had a visitor before!
CARTMAN
Well, that's not all. I snuck something
in for you, too.
ROMPER STOMPER
You did?
CARTMAN
You know how you told me you always
wanted to see Disneyland?
ROMPER STOMPER
Yeah.
CARTMAN
Yeah! That's the Pirates of the Caribbean.
Ugh.
ROMPER STOMPER
Whoa!
CARTMAN
Hegh. Oh! Here comes Space Mountain-oh-uugh.
Ogh! Wait-
ROMPER STOMPER
Oh, yeah!
CARTMAN
Uh, what else? Splash Mountain, that
comes now-oh!
ROMPER STOMPER
Oh, the monorail!
THE END
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