"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 405
"CARTMAN JOINS NAMBLA"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Kneey's house, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny sit around
a Monopoly-type board game in Kenny's room]
CARTMAN
Okay, Stan, I'm gonna you... a UFO crash-landing
card! You can deny it, or cover it
up.
STAN
Dude, I don't understand this game at
all.
CARTMAN
It's "Investigative Reports with Bill
Curtis" funtime game. You have to decide
if you deny it or cover it up.
STAN
Um, deny it?
CARTMAN
Okay, let's see what Bill Curtis says.
ELECTRONIC HEAD
Hello, I'm Bill Curtis. Many believe
that the U.S. Government... covered it
up. I'm Bill Curtis.
KYLE
Alright, Cartman. I'm gonna give you...
a jail-time card. You lose a turn.
STAN
Sweet.
CARTMAN
Oh yeah?! Well, I'm gonna give you...
AIDS!
KYLE
What?
CARTMAN
I just gave you AIDS.
KYLE
AIDS?!
STAN
Dude, that's not cool. Don't give Kyle
AIDS.
CARTMAN
Kyle has AIDS, and now loses 47 turns
and 800 points.
MRS. MCCORMICK
Kenny, your dad and I are thinking about
having another baby. Wouldn't you like
to have another brother or sister?
KENNY
(No.)
STUART
We just might get workin' on it later
tonight, huh huh huh.
CARTMAN
God-damnit, poor people suck! Your family
is already on welfare, and now they're
gonna bring another kid into the world.
Poor people are turning out babies,
adding to the overpopulation, and they're
expecting me to pay for it with my tax
dollars.
STAN
You don't pay tax dollars, Cartman!
You're eight!
CARTMAN
...You see. Gaw, this is just what I've
been talkin' about! I can't even relate
to you guys anymore because you're too
immature!
KYLE
What?
CARTMAN
I've gotta start hanging out with friends
that are a little more intelligent,
and understand ...politics and stuff.
It's just that... I'm up on this level
up here , and all my friends are down
here .
KYLE
You don't know what you're talking about,
fatass!
CARTMAN
Nononono! Me h'myah , you guys myah!
— maybe a little mo down, down in hyah.
SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME.
ELECTRONIC HEAD
I'm Bill Curtis.
[Cartman's house, a few minutes later. Cartman paces the floor
in his room. Next to him is a computer]
CARTMAN
I've outgrown all my friends. I need
to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog.
Oh, great idea, Clyde Frog! I can
meet new friends on the Internet! Here's
a chat room: "Men Who Like Young Boys"
That's perfect. Hi everybody! I am
a young boy seeking an older male for
good times. I am eight years old and
would li- Wow! Look at all these guys
who wanna be my friend! I'll pick... Tony316.
Hi Tony. "So what are you into?"
Oh, you know, the usual stuff. Smiley-face.
"Kewl. Wanna get together? Smiley-face?"
Sure, Tony! That would be... kewl. Winking,
smiley, face. "Meet me at Mel's Buffet
restaurant tomorrow morning." Sounds
good. See you then! Clown hat, curly
hair, smiley-face. You see that, Clyde
Frog? Tomorrow I'm gaonna meet my first
mature friend!
[Mel's Buffet, next day. Cartman enters and approaches a man
seated alone in a booth.]
CARTMAN
Hi, are you Tony?
TONY
Yeah. You're -Eric?
CARTMAN
Yeah!
TONY
I brought you some candy.
CARTMAN
Wow, cool!
TONY
And some books on Kama Sutra.
CARTMAN
Neato! Having older friends kicks ass,
uh! You see, I've, I've really been
having a tough time. I've kind of matured
faster than my other friends ; we don't
really relate anymore, and, and uh,
alright uh, all my friends seem so childish
now.
TONY
Yahahahah like having your back rubbed?
CARTMAN
Heh, yeah! That feels real nice! Thanks.
AGENT
Hold it right there, scumbag!
TONY
Huh?
CARTMAN
Huh?
AGENT
We monitored your little online chat.
Now you're coming with us!
TONY
No!
CARTMAN
What the hell just happened?
[Kenny's house, early morn. Kenny's tossing in bed, apparently
in a nightmare. His dreams are shown, and in each a parent carries
a baby]
MOM
You can't eat, Kenny. We have to save
food for the baby.
DAD
Your mom and I are going out for a few
weeks, Kenny. Take care of the baby.
MOM
Kenny, you have to change the baby's
diapers!
DAD
You have to share your room with the
baby!
MOM
The baby.
DAD
The baby!
MOM
The baby!!
KENNY
(HAAAAAAAAGH!)
[Kenny's house, living room sofa, later. Stuart is still trying
to get his wife in the mood]
MRS. MCCORMICK
Stop it!
STUART
Come on, let's go try to get you pregnant
again.
MRS. MCCORMICK
Oh, alright.
KENNY
(Dad, I wanna play catch.)
STUART
Huh? Uh, I'll play catch with your later,
son.
KENNY
(But I wanna play now!)
MRS. MCCORMICK
Oh, go ahead. We can make love afterwards.
STUART
Aw, alright.
[Kenny's house, front lawn. Kenny stands in the driveway and
Stuart stands in front of the tattered sofa]
STUART
Well alright, here comes a pop fly.
See if you can catch it! Good job.
Now throw me one. Ohp! Guhhogh!
MRS. MCCORMICK
What happened?!
STUART
Aw, he smacked me in the balls!
KENNY
(Woohoo!)
[Cartman's house, day. He's back at the computer in his room]
CARTMAN
Okay, we'll try this again. Hi, everyone.
I am a young boy looking for fun times
with older male. I like to- Oh, this
one looks good: HungDaddy. Hello, HungDaddy.
"Hi. I'm eight and a hal inches." Damn,
dude, this guy's tiny. He must be a
dwarf. Sorry, I'm not interested in
being friends with midgets. Midgets
piss me off. Frowny face. Lemme see,
how about this one?
[The South Park docks, day. Cartman walks towards the end, where
a man in trench coat and baseball cap looks out over the water.]
CARTMAN
Mister Hammerhead?
MR. HAMMERHEAD
Hi there.
CARTMAN
Mr. Garrison??
MR. GARRISON
Haah! Eric!
CARTMAN
You wanna be my friend?
MR. GARRISON
Oh, crap!
CARTMAN
That's cool, we can hang out. What do
you wanna do first?
MR. GARRISON
Huh-uh, nothing! Nothing!
AGENT
Alright, scumbag, we got you!
MR. GARRISON
Hey uh, uh, uh. Good thing you guys
came. This... little boy was trying to
have his way with me.
AGENT
Nice try, buddy! We monitored your little
online chat—now, you're coming with
us!
MR. GARRISON
No-o!
CARTMAN
Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting
all my friends? This has to be the work
of Stan and Kyle! God, I hate those
guys!
[South Park Clinic, day. Stan and Kyle stand before a picture
window.]
KYLE
See? I told you, dude. Those are dialysis
machines. Old people have to hook themselves
into it with a tube, and it sucks all
their body fluids out.
STAN
Oh, man, that's terrible.
KYLE
I know, hunh? Put your mouth against
the glass like this. Waaaaah!
STAN
Haha, he-yeah ha. Haaaaah.
KYLE
Bleuh-leuh-leuh-leuh-leuh.
STAN
Blaaa-lalalalalalala.
CARTMAN
Alright, just what the hell do you
guys think you're doing?!
STAN
We're making faces at sick people.
CARTMAN
No! I mean, what the hell are you doing?!
Why are all my mature adult friends
being "mys-teriously" arrested, huh?!
STAN
We don't know.
CARTMAN
I'll tell you why! Because you guys
are jealous and can't handle the fact
that you're immature, and so you've
started a government conspiracy against
me!
KYLE
We don't know what you're talking about,
lardbutt.
CARTMAN
Lardbut. Oh, that's so mature! Golly,
I guess I was wrong about you guys,
huh?!
STAN
You're not more mature than us, Cartman!
CARTMAN
YES I AM!!
[South Park Police Department, day. Mr. Garrison and Tony are
in the cell, and Officer Barbrady sits at a desk with his feet
up]
MR. GARRISON
I'm telling you, this is all a terrible
mistake, Officer Barbrady.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, the FBI said I have to hold you
here, so that's what I'm gonna do, Mr.
Complainy Pants.
MR. GARRISON
O-ogh!
TONY
Do you like having your back rubbed.
MR. GARRISON
Eat me, pervert!
TONY
Okay.
MAN
We demand you release these men at once!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Who are you?
MAN
We are NAMBLA, the North American Man
Boy Love Association, and we heard about
these political prisoners you're keeping?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Political prisoners? No, these are child
molesters.
MAN
Loving young boys has been around since
the time of the Romans, pal! There's
nothing wrong with it! We are an organization
dedicated to showing that sex between
a man and a young boy can be a beautiful
thing!
OTHER NAMBLA MEN
Yeah, uh-huh.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Uuuh, I don't know who you are, but
these men aren't going anywhere until
I hear from the FBI.
MAN
Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!
OTHER NAMBLA MEN
Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Okay people , I think you'd better move
along before I arrest more of you!
MAN
All these men wanted was to love a young
boy! There is nothing wrong with love!
MR. GARRISON
I did not want love from a young boy!
I like men my own age. Aah! I mean,
I like women! What did I say?-Oh God!
I love titties!
MAN
You haven't heard the last of us, officer!
Together we are strong. Come on, men!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Wow, they've got activists for everything
these days.
[South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch, night. Dr. Mephesto and
Kevin are at a lab table]
DR. MEPHESTO
I've done it, Kevin. I've successfully
spliced this chipmunk with a piece of
provolone chese. Do you know what this
means, Kevin? No more will the world
have to look in two different places
for squirrels and provolone cheese.
No more will mankind have to pick-
Who could that be? Why, it's little
Eric Cartman.
CARTMAN
Dr. Mephesto, I need help.
DR. MEPHESTO
Well of course, come in.
CARTMAN
You see, unfortunately I have matured
faster than all my friends. I wanna
hang out with older friends, but I can't
find any, so I was wondering if you
could genetically engineer some older
friends for me.
DR. MEPHESTO
Oh, Eric, I'm afraid it's not that
simple. Genetic engineering has not
yet evolved to the state where I can
just make people.
CARTMAN
Damnit! But I wanna hang out with older
guys!
DR. MEPHESTO
Oh. Well, I happen to be a member of
an organization that can help you. It's
called, NAMBLA.
CARTMAN
NAMBLA?
DR. MEPHESTO
Yes. I have been a member for several
years. I'm sure they'd let you join.
You l-look about right.
CARTMAN
Hokay, thanks, Dr. Mephesto!
DR. MEPHESTO
Sure!
[South Park Inn. "No Vacancy" "Welcome NAMBLA." Inside, the NAMBLA
leader speaks to the group in a meeting room. On either side
of him are portraits of men with boys on their laps. More picture
line the walls]
MAN
Fellow members of NAMBLA. As you know,
hn hn, we continue to be discriminated
against. Recently, the FBI has started
to arrest men, who are doing nothing
more than trying to start a sexual relationship
with a young boy.
MEMBERS
Awwww.
NAMBLA LEADER
And now that all ethnic groups, homosexuals
and womens are protected under civil-rights
laws, we want the same!
MEMBERS
Yeah.
EAGER MAN
Yeh-hehah-hah.
NAMBLA LEADER
What we need is proof that young boys
want to be members of NAMBLA. That they
want love from us. We need a poster
child, to show the world that it is
a beautiful and wonderful thing and
a- Can we... help you?
CARTMAN
Yes. I'd like to join your fine organization.
Is that cool?
NAMBLA LEADER
You... do?
CARTMAN
Sure.
NAMBLA LEADER
Oho, thank you. Thank you, Jesus.
CARTMAN
...Sweet.
[South Park Clinic, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand before the
picture window. Stan and Kyle make blow faces again. The patients
are dismayed. Kenny soon makes a blow face. His parents walk
up]
MRS. MCCORMICK
Well, Kenny, the doctor confirmed it.
I'm pregnant! You're gonna have a little
brother or sister.
KENNY
(No!!)
MRS. MCCORMICK
Yup, it's for sure!
STUART
And he fixed my shattered left testicle,
too!
MRS. MCCORMICK
Don't be out too late, Kenny. We need
to start movin' stuff out of your room.
KYLE
Wow. Your mom's pregnant, Kenny.
STAN
Yeah. Now what are you going to do?
KENNY
(I don't know. But I've gotta think
of something.)
CARTMAN
Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! Nyanyanyanyah
nyah nyah! I got into NAMBLA and you
gu-uys didn't!
KYLE
What are you talking about, fatass?
CARTMAN
Oh, no big deal. I just found a group
called NAMBLA with adult members, and
they all think that I'm sure mature
they want me to be their new poster
child is all. It looks like I'm finally
gonna have mature friends who I can
relate to. Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah!
I'm too mature for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah
nyah nyah!
[South Park Pharmacy, day. Inside, a young blonde girl approaches
the counter.]
PHARMACIST
Can I help you, young lady?
KENNY
(Yes. I'm looking for some morning-after
abortion-)
PHARMACIST
Oh, you want some morning-after abortion
pills. Well, they're right over there.
KENNY
(Thanks.)
PHARMACIST
Uh, I'm sorry, young lady, but I can't
sell that to you without permission
from your parents.
I Hereby
Give My
Daughter
Permission to
Abort her Baby.
- Mother
[he puts down the note] Oh, well, alrighty then. Cash or charge?
KENNY
(Cash.)
[Kenny's house, day. Kenny's in the kitchen mixing a drink. It
consists of cocoa, vodka, ...and the entire bottle of "Pregnant
No More" pills. All 999 of them. In a mug. He finishes, drops
down, and heads for the living room]
[Kenny's house, living room. Stuart reads the paper, and Mrs.McCormick
is knitting. Kenny enters with the mug]
KENNY
(Look, Mom. I just fixed you a drink.)
MRS. MCCORMICK
Oh, well that's very sweet of you, Kenny.
You made my favorite drink for me.
KENNY
(Here.)
MRS. MCCORMICK
But unfortunately, now that I'm pregnant,
I can't drink.
KENNY
(What?)
STUART
Well, I can still drink.
KENNY
(No! Daddy!)
STUART
Ogh, that hits the spot. Makes me forget
all about my shattered balls. What?
Wwhat's the matter? Uh, why don't you
go make me another one of... of... Who-o-oa.
MRS. MCCORMICK
What's the matter?
KENNY
(Uh oh.)
STUART
Oh, God, I'm gonna crap my pants!
[Kenny's house, bathroom. A sign saying "CRAPPER SWEET CRAPPER"
hangs on the wall. Stuart drops his pants and briefs, hops on
the toilet, and starts crapping]
STUART
Oohhh, God! Oooh, my balls! Ooh, God
[Photo-Dojo, day. Members of NAMBLA surround the photographer
as he takes pictures.]
NAMBLA MEMBER
Just a few more pictures, Eric. You
make a perfect posture child.
CARTMAN
Thanks, dude.
NAMBLA LEADER
Uh hey, Eric, we have a surprise for
you. We want to have a big dinner and
dance honoring you as our new poster
child.
CARTMAN
Really? Awesome!
NAMBLA LEADER
Yes, and and we you to um... invite all
your young male friends.
CARTMAN
Oh. Well, sure. I have some friends
who want to be mature, excluding Stan
and Kyle, of course.
NAMBLA LEADER
Great, hnn. You go invite your little
friends, and we'll get the hotel ready.
CARTMAN
KIIICK ASS!
[Kenny's house, day. Kenny's on the sofa watching television.]
MRS. MCCORMICK
Kenny?? Don't forget to clean out your
room so we can paint it for the baby.
ANNOUNCER
Hey, are you feeling down? You need
some excitement. And North Park Funland
has just opened its newest ride! The
John Denver Experience! You'll be Rocky
Mountain High with this, the most EXTREME,
INSANE RIDE EVER BUILT.
TWO GUYS
It was-
GUY 1
-fun.
GUY 2
-fun.
ANNOUNCER
Note: people with heart conditions and
expectant mothers should not ride the
JOHN DENVER! Opne now! Come on down!
KENNY
(Mom!)
[North Park Funland, day. People file in. The McCormicks are
in line to go on the John Denver Experience]
STUART
Are you sure you should be going on
this thing?
MRS. MCCORMICK
Oh, it's all right. You know, I thnk
maybe Kenny's been a little worried
about the new baby. We have to show
him that he's still our little boy.
OPERATOR
Folks, please keep your hands and arms
inside the John Denver Experience at
all times. There's no sense in trying
to unloop at the latch at any time during
the ride here at the John Denver Experience.
Have fun.
STUART
What did he say? ...John Denver Experience.
[North Park Funland, John Denver Experience exit. Riders exit.
The McCormicks are the last ones out]
STUART
Oh, God, my nose! I think I broke my
nose!
MRS. MCCORMICK
Come on, Stuart, let's just get you
to a bathroom.
STUART
Oh, I'm not gonna make it. I'm gonna
be sick! Oh, my stuhomach! Oh, my
nose! Augh!
[South Park, day. Cartman runs into the boys in front of the
South Park Clinic]
CARTMAN
Oh, Stan, Kyle, just the guys I wanted
to see! My NAMBLA organization is having
a very important benefit in my honor.
KYLE
They are?
CARTMAN
We're gonna have a big, mature party
at this hotel, and I can invite all
my mature friends that I want. And that
means I'm gonna invite everybody! Except
for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah!
Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah!
STAN
We don't wanna go to some stupid adult
meeting anyway!
CARTMAN
Well, that's nice, 'cause you can't
go.
KYLE
We don't wanna go!
CARTMAN
You can't go.
KYLE
We don't WANNA go!
CARTMAN
No, you CAN'T go. Hey, Clyde, Butters,
check this out
STAN
Dude, maybe we do need to start being
more mature.
KYLE
Yeah. I guess we gotta try to get into
that club, too.
[Kenny's house, day. He is asleep again in his room. Another
nightmare appears. The scene is a delivery room at Hell's Pass
Hospital. Kenny's mom is about to give birth, and Dr. Doctor
is there with a nurse and Stuart]
DR. DOCTOR
You're doing fine, Ms. McCormick. It's
alright, Kenny. Come see the miracle
of life.
KENNY
(Eeww.)
DR. DOCTOR
I can see its head!
MS. MCCORMICK
You can?
DR. DOCTOR
Push, now. Push hard! Oh my God.
MS. MCCORMICK
What is it??
DR. DOCTOR
It's ali-
STUART
Oh my God, it killed Kenny!
MS.MCCORMICK
Bad baby, bad!
KENNY
(Huh. Huh??) (That does it!)
[Kenny's house, living room. Mrs. McCormick is reading a book
when Kenny enters with he plunger]
MRS. MCCORMICK
Oh, hi Kenny. What are ya doin'? Uh
what are you doing, Kenny? Kenny, what
are you going to plunge?
KENNY
(AAAARRRRHHH!)
MRS. MCCORMICK
Aaaaaaah! AAAAA!
STUART
Kenny, what the hell are you doing?!
[South Park Inn, day. Schmaltzy music plays as the camera looks
at a large sign that says "I LOVE NAMBLA HONORARY DINNER" and
has a picture of Eric posing under a spotlight at its center.
Present in the ballroom are Cartman, Butters, several other boys,
and the men they've partnered up with. The doors open and in
walk Stan and Kyle, with their partners.]
CARTMAN
What the hell? Hey, what the hell
are you guys doing here?! This is for
mature people only!
STAN
We got invited too, fatass
CARTMAN
Hunh. Well, I guess nowadays, they
allow any old schmucks into NAMBLA.
NAMBLA LEADER
Fellow NAMBLA members, it is great
to see you all here. It seems like we
have finally found a city that won't
oppress us.
NAMBLA Member Oh, yeah. [others cheer]
NAMBLA LEADER
First and foremost, I wanna recognize
Eric Cartman, for putting us in touch
with all of you pretty, young boys.
CARTMAN
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank
you.
NAMBLA LEADER
Now, I know that many of us have already
found partners in this fahine city,
and I'd like to take a minute to hear
some testimonials from members.
STAN
This is boring.
KYLE
Yeah. HEY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO
SOME ACTION, HUH?
MEMBER 1
Ho hohohoho
MEMBER 2
Woohoohoohoohoo.
NAMBLA LEADER
Ho, goodness! What a gift from God!
Aha ha, we'll... "get" ...to it very soon,
I assure you. But first, I'd just like
to hear from a couple of you on your
progress. Uh yes, Patrick.
PATRICK
Uh I, I found a little eight-year-old
named Buttehers. He's a beautiful ,
bright, little boy.
BUTTERS
Well, uh I sure am, I guess.
PATRICK
And his skin is as soft as fresh linen.
STAN
That seems kind of... weird.
PATRICK
Well, my skin is ssspringtime sssoft,
I suppose.
NAMBLA LEADER
Wonderful, heh hn. And how about you,
Mr. Harris?
MR. HARRIS
Well, I want to announce that I may
have found the dream boy of the decade.
He's sexy, sassy, and full of spunk.
His name is Timmy.
TIMMY
TIMMMIHH, tih, Timmih?
NAMBLA LEADER
Wuhell, members, I know we're all eager
to get acquainted with our new partners
and, so why don't we turn down the lights
and start to dance!
LEAD AGENT
Alright, I want those perverted bastards
all taken in. Got it?
AGENTS
Got it!
MEPHESTO
Hello, NAMBLA members. As the South
Park representative-
LEAD AGENT
Hold it right there!
AGENT 1
Freeze!
AGENT 2
Don't nobody move!
MEPHESTO
What's going on?
LEAD AGENT
Alright, sickos. Where are the children?!
MEPHESTO
What children?
LEAD AGENT
This... is... NAMBLA, right?
MEPHESTO
Yes.
LEAD AGENT
The North American Man/Boy Love Association?
MEPHESTO
What? No! We're the North American
Marlon Brando Look-Alikes.
BLOND AGENT
Aw, crap! We got the wrong NAMBLA.
MR. GARRISON
Aw, damnit, I'm in the wrong place.
MEPHESTO
Don't tell me that that other NAMBLA
is actually in South Park?!
LEAD AGENT
You know of them?
BLOND MEMBER
Know of them? We've been fighting with
them for years over the rights to nambla.com!
BRUNET MEMBER
Yeah, those perverted bastards!
BLOND AGENT
Wow. You guys really do look a lot like
Marlon Brando.
MEPHESTO
Thank you. Now, let's go get those othe
NAMBLA bastards before they hurt any
of South Park's children!
MEMBERS
Yeah! Yeah!
BLACK MEMBER
And let's kick their asses for stealin'
our domain name!
MEMBERS
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[South Park Inn, evening. NAMBLA members and their boys are still
dancing. The NAMBLA leader stpes up to the podium]
NAMBLA LEADER
Alright, members, that's enough of
that. It's time for all of us to retire
to our respective rooms, and get to
know our new young boys.
MEMBER 3
All right.
MEMBER 4
Alright.
KYLE
Dude. Being mature is boring!
STAN
Yeah.
NAMBLA LEADER
Everyone come up and grab your room
keys and we'll head upstairs, hm hm.
[South Park Inn, upstairs. French music begins to play, and the
men and boys appear at the top of the stairs and go to their
respective rooms. After a few moments...]
THE BOYS
Aaaaah!
STAN
Dude! I think these guys mean to have
sexual encounters with us!
KYLE
I know, dude! Let's get the hell out
of here!
STAN
Aah! There's more of them! Quick, hide!
MEPHESTO
Alright, Marlon Brandos, they've got
to be here somewhere. Let's try this
room.
LEAD AGENT
Let's get those perverts!
WAITER
Sacre blue!
THE BOYS
Whoa!
MRS.MCCORMICK
Kenny, no! Leave me alone
KENNY
(Come here, mom! Let me get it!)
STUART
Kenny??
WAITER
Zis time, I will not drop zeh food.
Allo!
NAMBLA LEADER
It's clear. The cops are gone. Where's
the boys?!
WAITER
Sacre bleu!
MEPHESTO
I think the boys went in here.
THE BOYS
Aaaaaah!
TIMMY
Timmih!
NAMBLA LEADER
Maybe the boys are in here. Oh bo-oys?
MRS. MCCORMICK
Kenny, GIVE IT UP!
KENNY
(Come on!)
WAITER
Waaah!
LEAD AGENT
Alright, you're under arrest!
MEPHESTO
No! You've got the wrong NAMBLA again!
LEAD AGENT
Damnit!
AGENT
Hey, we didn't try that room!
WAITER
Sacre bleu.
[South Park Inn, a room. The boys are safe, but tired]
KYLE
Dude! We're surrounded by perverts.
CARTMAN
They're all over the place.
TIMMY
Timmiihhh!
TOKEN
What are we gonna do?!
STAN
Well, Cartman, you got everybody into
this, you have to figure out a way to
get everybody out.
THE BOYS
Yeah.
CARTMAN
Uuh, that's, that's fine. I know how
to get us out.
KYLE
How?
CARTMAN
Well, look. Those perverts aren't going
to rest until they've made love to one
of us. Right? So,... somebody's just gonna
have to go out there and and... take one
for the team. And I think, in all fairness,
it should be Butters.
BUTTERS
Huh?? Uh-uh well, huh, why me?
CARTMAN
Now, are you a team player or not?!
BUTTERS
Well, sure, u-uh I'm a team player-uh,
I guess.
CARTMAN
Well, Butters, there is no I in "team."
BUTTERS
Huh-you mean to expect me to go out
there and let all those... huhu-horny
old men... have their way with my fragile
person?? Well just what team is this
anyway?!
CARTMAN
Just go, Butters. We're running out
of time.
BUTTERS
Well uuh-uuh-alright then.
CARTMAN
Heh, he's such a dumba-a-ass.
[South Park Inn, hallway. Butters is there all alone]
BUTTERS
Well, alright men. Here, here I come.
I'm ready to take one for the team.
STUART
Kenny?! Kenny, I've had enough of your
shenanigans!
NAMBLA LEADER
Oh, one of the boys just came in.
STUART
What the-? No, wait, no, WAH, NO, WAAAAAH!
[South Park Inn, outside. The inn has been cleared, so everyone
stands outside. An ambulance awaits a victim, who is soon on
a stretcher]
MRS. MCCORMICK
Are you alright, Stuart?
STUART
Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken,
body poisoned, have been made love to
in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old
men—I just wanna go home and take a,
a hot bath!
LEAD AGENT
We've been after you for a long time,
buddy! Do you know your rights?
NAMBLA LEADER
Rights? Does anybody know their rights?
You see, I've learned something today.
Our forefathers came to this country
because... they believed in an idea. An
idea called "freedom." They wanted to
live in a place where a group couldn't
be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where
a person can live the way he chooses
to live. You see us as being perverted
because we're different from you. People
are afraid of us, because they don't
understand. And sometimes it's easier
to persecute than to understand.
KYLE
Dude. You have sex with children.
NAMBLA LEADER
We are human. Most of us didn't even
choose to be attracted to young boys.
We were born that way. We can't help
the way we are, and if you all can't
understand that, well, then, I guess
you'll just have to put us away.
KYLE
Dude. You have sex with children.
STAN
Yeah. You know, we believe in equality
for everybody, and tolerance, and all
that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
KYLE
Seriously.
LEAD AGENT
Alright, that's enough. You're all going
to be put away for a long time.
KYLE
Well, Cartman
CARTMAN
Well, what?
KYLE
Don't you think you owe everyone an
apology for bringing NAMBLA here?
THE BOYS
Yeah!
CARTMAN
Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost
got you guys all raped. There.
STAN
And now, do you still think that you
need to hang out with older, mature
friends?
CARTMAN
No, I guess you guys will blossom into
maturity someday. Just don't take too
long.
PARAMEDIC
Okay, let's roll.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, Delivery Room. Mrs. McCormick has a new
baby in her arms, and Stuart looks at it with her]
NURSE
Dr. Flores, dial 18-
STUART
Coo, cootchy-coo, coohoohoohoo, cootchy-coo.
MRS. MCCORMICK
Our little angel, yes.
STUART
Oh, he's so beautiful. I know it's been
hard on both of us losing poor Kenny.
But this new baby kind of reminds me
of him.
MRS. MCCORMICK
What should we name him?
STUART
Well, seeing as though Kenny passed
away, maybe we should name him ah,...
Kenny.
MRS. MCCORMICK
Yes. Kenny's such a great name. My little
Kenny, a brand-new Kenny.
STUART
God, this must be the fiftieth time
this has happened.
MRS. MCCORMICK
Fifty-second.
THE END
|
