SOUTH PARK
Episode 101
"CARTMAN GETS AN ANAL PROBE"
By
Matt Stone & Trey Parker
EXT. SCHOOL BUS STOP - MORNING
STAN, KYLE AND KENNY wait in the snow for their school bus,
holding their lunch boxes and debating.
KIDS
(Singing)
School days school days, teacher's
golden-
Kyle's little brother, IKE, bounces into frame.
KYLE
-Ah damn it, my little brother's
trying to follow me to school again.
IKE tries to talk.
IKE
BaBa Simi
KYLE
Ike, you can't come to school with
me!
IKE
BaBa Simi ba baa.
CARTMAN
Yeah, go home you little dildo.
KYLE
Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo.
STAN
What's a dildo?
KYLE
I don't know... and I'll bet Cartman
doesn't know either!
CARTMAN
I know what it means!
KYLE
Well, what?!
CARTMAN
...I'm not telling you.
STAN
What's a dildo, Kenny?
Kenny talks, but we can't understand him through his thick
coat.
KENNY
Mph rmph phrmph m phrmph mmr.
The boys all laugh.
CARTMAN
HA YEAH! THAT'S WHAT KYLE'S LITTLE
BROTHER IS ALRIGHT!!
Suddenly, Kyle grabs Ike by the feet, swings him around, and
bashes Cartman in the face.
CARTMAN
OW!
STAN
Dude that kicks ass!
KYLE
Yeah! Check this one out!
(to Ike)
Ready Ike? Kick the baby
IKE
Don't kick the baby.
KYLE
Kick the baby.
Kyle kicks his brother down the icy road.
IKE
Wahhhhh!
Ike shoots down the road with a playful scream, and crashes
head first into a group of mail boxes.
Cartman yawns grotesquely.
STAN
Whoa, Cartman, looks like you didn't
get much sleep last night.
CARTMAN
That's 'cause I was having these
bogus nightmares.
KYLE
Really, what about?
CARTMAN
Well, I dreamt that I was lying in
my bed... In the dark...
INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - DREAM SEQUENCE
Cartman is lying in his bed.
CARTMAN(V.O.)
...When all of a sudden this bright
blue light filled the room.
A bright light fills the room.
CARTMAN
And slowly my bedroom door began to
open... And then the next thing I
remember, I was being drug through a
hallway!
INT. ALIEN SHIP - DREAM SEQUENCE
Cartman is being dragged by his ankles down a dark, organic
corridor like the one seen in 'Fire In The Sky'.
CARTMAN
Then I was lying on a table, and
these scary aliens wanted to operate
on me! And they had big heads...
And big black eyes-
EXT. BUSSTOP - (REALITY)
The boys are listening to Cartman's story with wide eyes and
open mouths. Even little Ike is enthralled.
STAN
Dude! Visitors!
KYLE
Totally!
CARTMAN
What?
STAN
That wasn't a dream, Cartman, those
were visitors!
CARTMAN
(Nervous)
No, it was just a dream. My mom said
so!
STAN
Visitors are real!
KYLE
Yeah, they abduct people and they
mutilate cows!
CARTMAN
Ah shut up, you guys, you're just
trying to make me scared, and it's
not working.
A large Chevy screeches to a halt. CHEF gets out of the car
and approaches the kids.
CHEF
Hello there, children.
KIDS
Hey, Chef.
STAN
What's gonna be for lunch today,
Chef?
CHEF
Well, today it's Salisbury steak
with buttered noodles and a choice
of green bean casserole or vegetable
medley.
CARTMAN
Kick ass!
CHEF
Say, did any of you children see the
alien spaceship last night?
CARTMAN
HUH?!
STAN
Yeah, fat boy saw it!
CARTMAN
No! Th-That was just a dream! And
I'm NOT fat, I'm big-boned.
CHEF
(To Cartman)
Oh, was it the ones with the big
long heads and the black eyes?
CARTMAN
(PETRIFIED)
AH!
STAN
They took him on their ship!
CHEF
Ooh... Did they give you an anal
probe?
CARTMAN
AGH!
STAN
What's an anal probe?
CHEF
That's when they put this big metal
hoop-a-joo up your butt.
KYLE
Woa! They gave you an anal probe,
Cartman?
CARTMAN
(Defensive)
No! I mean... Uh... Why would they
do that?
STAN
Dude, they DID huh? Aliens stuck
stuff up your ass!
CARTMAN
NO!
IKE
Ana Pobe!
CARTMAN
SHUT UP, DILDO!
CHEF
Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria.
You children watch that fat boy now,
he could be under alien control.
Chef turns to get back in his car and Cartman notices that
the back of Chef's shirt has an EXACT image of the alien he
saw, and the word 'Believe'.
CHEF peels off.
KYLE
We told you they were real Cartman.
Sorry to hear about your ass.
CARTMAN
(Extremely angry)
God Dammit, they didn't do anything
to my ass! It was just a dream!
The school bus pulls up and the boys start getting on.
KYLE
Why are you walking so funny, Cartman?
CARTMAN
Shut up!
Little Ike tries to follow his brother onto the bus.
IKE
I'll bla bblaa blaa
KYLE
No, Ike! Go home!
Kyle gets ready to kick his brother.
IKE
Bla Wa Wah
KYLE
This is it!! This one's for the game.
IKE
Bllaa aaahh haah
KYLE
Kick the baby.
Kyle kicks his brother through the school bus window, and
Ike flies into a snowbank.
The boys quickly get on the bus. Ike pulls his head out of
the snow and looks around for his brother.
INT. SCHOOL BUS - MORNING
The kids walk past their mean old bus driver, MS. CRABTREE.
STAN
Good morning, Ms. Crabtree.
MS. CRABTREE
Sit down! We're running late!
Stan and Kyle walk to the back of the bus and take their
seats. Cartman and Kenny sit up a few rows. Kyle looks out
the back window to see Ike still standing at the bus stop.
KYLE
Dammit, he's still there!
STAN
Oh, don't worry about him.
KYLE
No, dude, if something happens to
him my parents are gonna blame me!
MS. CRABTREE
SIT DOWN BACK THERE!! AAHHHH!!!
STAN
Yeah, whatever you fat bitch.
MS. CRABTREE
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
STAN
I said I have a bad itch.
MS. CRABTREE
Oh.
Stan and Kyle sit down and the school bus moves on. Kyle
turns around one last time to look at his brother.
KYLE
OH MY GOD!!!!
EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY
A group of VISITORS, with large heads and almond shaped eyes,
surround Ike.
INT. - BUS
KYLE AND STAN
VISITORS!
Scared, Kenny pulls his hood shut.
KENNY
Mph mprmhpm bmarmphs!
KYLE
Ike!!!
EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY
The visitors lead Ike to a large space craft hidden in the
trees.
INT. BUS
KYLE
STOP THE BUS!
Kyle runs to the front of the bus.
KYLE
Ms. Crabtree, you have to stop this
bus!
MS. CRABTREE
Do you want an office referral?!
KYLE
(SCARED)
No.
MS.CRABTREE
Then sit down!
KYLE
But I....
MS. CRABTREE
AAHH!!!
KYLE
AAHHH!!!!!
MS. CRABTREE & KYLE
AAHHHH!!!!!
Kyle runs to the back of the bus and hopelessly looks out
the back window again just in time to see the spaceship take
off.
STAN
Cartman, are those the same Visitors
you saw?!
Cartman isn't looking. He still thinks this is all a big
joke.
CARTMAN
Shut up, you guys, it's not working.
KYLE
We have to do something!
STAN
Well, we can't do anything for now.
That fat bitch won't let us.
MS. CRABTREE
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
STAN
I-I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
MS. CRABTREE
Oh...
(Pause)
Well, yes, they certainly do.
Ms. Crabtree turns the schoolbus violently and the children
go flying everywhere screaming.
KYLE
What am I going to do? My little
brother’s been abducted by aliens.
Stan farts.
KYLE
You farted!
The kids laugh.
CARTMAN
Somebody's baking brownies.
We see the alien space ship leave the planet.
EXT. CATTLE RANCH - DAY
CATTLE RANCHER
That's the third cow this month, at
this rate all my cattle are gonna
die before the Winter's through.
The cows look up with concern.
OFFICER BARBRADY
This is nothing out of the unusual.
Cows turn themselves inside out all
the time.
The cows shake their heads.
CATTLE RANCHER
People been sayin' they've been seeing
UFO's around.
OFFICER BARBRADY
UFO's?? Ha Ha.
CATTLE RANCHER
Yea, and black army CIA helicopters
and trucks.
OFFICER BARBRADY
That is the silliest thing I've ever
heard.
Just then black army helicopters fly by.
CATTLE RANCHER
What was that?
OFFICER BARBRADY
That, that was a pigeon.
CATTLE RANCHER
What am I supposed to do Barbrady?
Just stand here and watch my cattle
get mutilated one by one?
We see the aliens with grass in their hands whistling to the
cows.
CATTLE RANCHER
Hey, my cattle!! You see there is
something funny going on.
OFFICER BARBRADY
There's nothing funny going on. I'll
get those cows back.
INT. CLASSROOM - SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY
MR. GARRISON
And now children, our friend Mr. Hat
is going to tell us about Christopher
Columbus.
Mr. Garrison has a ridiculous little puppet on his right
hand that wears a striped hat.
MR. HAT
That's right Mr. Garrison.
Christopher Columbus discovered
America, and was the Indians best
friend. He helped the Indians win
their war against Frederick Douglas,
and, and freed the Hebrews from
Napoleon, and discovered France.
KYLE
(TO STAN)
Oh man, I can't just sit here! I
have to help my stupid brother or
I'll come home without him and my
dad will start yelling - "Where's
your brother, Kyle!" "You weren't
looking out for your little brother
Kyle!"
STAN
Okay, okay, let's ditch school and
go find him-
KYLE
"You know he can't think on his own,
Kyle. Brush and Floss, Kyle!" "Where
has that finger been, Kyle?!"
STAN
DUDE!
MR. GARRISON
Is there a problem, boys?
KYLE
Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.
MR. GARRISON
Oh really, Kyle? What is it this
time? Another prostate tumor?
KYLE
No, my little brother has been
abducted by aliens.
Mr. Garrison stares blankly at Kyle.
KYLE
It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave
him an anal probe!
Cartman looks around at the other children, extremely
embarrassed, and finally forces a little laugh as if to say
it's all a little joke.
CARTMAN
Uhh.. Huh, huh... That's a little
joke.
Kyle steps to the front of class.
KYLE
Mr. Garrison, seriously, I HAVE to
go! Can I PLEASE be excused from
class?
MR. GARRISON
I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr.
Hat?
Kyle looks down at the stupid puppet on Garrison's hand.
KYLE
I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm
asking YOU!
MR. GARRISON
Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
KYLE
(SIGHING)
Mr. Hat, may I please be excused
from class?...
Mr. Garrison shoves his puppeted hand violently in Kyle's
face, and changes his voice.
MR.HAT
Well Kyle, NO! You hear me? You go
to hell, you go to hell and you die!
MR. GARRISON
Hmm, guess you'll have to take your
seat, Kyle.
KYLE
Dammit!
CARTMAN
Ha, ha! Mr. Hat yelled at you!
Just then, Cartman farts a HUGE fireball.
CARTMAN
AAAGHH!! Ow, my ass!
STAN
Damn Cartman!
He farts another fire ball.
CARTMAN
OW! OWWW MY ASS!!
KYLE
Dude, he's farting fire!
STAN
(pointing to Cartman)
It's the alien anal probe! It's
shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!!
CARTMAN
No, that was just a dream!
Cartman farts another flame.
MR. GARRISON
Eric, do you need to sit in the corner
until your flaming gas is under
control?
CARTMAN
No, Mr. Garrison. I'm fine.
Cartman farts a HUG fireball which burns PIP, a little english
boy.
PIP
OWWWW!!!!!
The class watches as their classmate runs out in flames.
ACT II
EXT. TRAIN CROSSING - DAY
A train is passing by and the cows are standing in line trying
to get on.
TRAIN ENGINEER
Hey, you cows can't get on this train,
this is a people train. You cows
have no business on a people train,
alright, 'cause you're cows.
The cows stare at the engineer.
TRAIN ENGINEER
No, no no, don't try any of that cow
hypnosis on me alright, 'cause it's
not going to work!!!
Just then, Officer Barbrady drives up with his sirens on.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Hold it right there cows.
Cows start to stampede away from Barbrady.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Come back here!
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY
The kids are all in line for lunch. Cartman farts a huge
fireball.
CARTMAN
OOOOWWWW!!! Ooh, I sure am hungry.
STAN
How can you eat when you're farting
fire?
CARTMAN
Shut up, dude. You're being totally
immature.
KYLE
Hey look! There's Wendy Testaburger!
STAN
Where?
Adorable little WENDY TESTABURGER steps into the lunch line.
ZOOM in on Stan who is absolutely in love. Little Hearts
form all around his head - and Tchaikovsky's 'Romeo and
Juliet' swells up.
The other boys see Stan's reaction and laugh.
CARTMAN
(Singing)
Stan wan-ts to ki-ss Wen-dy
Testaburger
STAN
Shut up Fat Ass! I don't even like
her!
CARTMAN
I'm not fat - And you obviously like
her, because you throw up every time
she talks to you!
STAN
I do not!
Wendy walks up to the boys.
WENDY
Hi guys.
KYLE AND CARTMAN
Hi Wendy.
WENDY
Here Stan, this is for you.
Wendy hands Stan a note. Stan VOMITS VIOLENTLY all over
himself.
WENDY
Ew!
KYLE AND CARTMAN
Bye Wendy.
Wendy walks away.
KYLE
Dude, what does the note say?!
Stan opens the note and reads it.
STAN
Holy crap! It says she wants to
meet ME at Starks Pond after school.
KYLE
Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.
CARTMAN
Or slip her the tongue.
KENNY
Mmmph mrrr mff Mrmmph
STAN
What? How do you know she has a cat?
After a painfully long pause, the boys all laugh.
CARTMAN
I get it.
KYLE
C'mon you guys, we need to figure
out how to get out of school so we
can get my little brother back!
The boys make it to the front of the line, where Chef is
handing lunch trays to the boys and girls.
CHEF
Hello there children.
KIDS
Hey, Chef.
CHEF
How are you doing?
KYLE
Bad.
CHEF
Why bad?
KYLE
Chef, have you ever had something
happen to you... But nobody believed
you?
CHEF
Aw, children, children, that's a
problem we've ALL had to face at
some time or another. Here, let me
sing you a little song... It might
clear things up.
Music swells up.
CHEF
(SINGING)
I'm gonna make love to you woman,
gonna lay you down by the fire - And
caress your womanly body, make you
moan and perspire,
STAN
Ah Chef, Chef.
CHEF
Gonna get those juices flowin'
STAN
Chef.
CHEF
We're making love gravy, love gravy,
STAN
Chef!!!!!
CHEF
Love, love, love.... GRAVY!!!-
STAN
-CHEF!!
The music stops.
CHEF
Huh, do you feel better?
KYLE
No!
CHEF
Oh, come on children, what can be so
bad? It's Salisbury steak day!
STAN
Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
CHEF
WHAT?!
Chef runs around the counter and kneels down by the kids.
CHEF
(Whispering)
Well what the hell are you doing in
school, eating Salisbury steak?! Go
find him, dammit!
STAN
Mr. Garrison won't let us out of
school. He thinks we're making it
up.
CARTMAN
You ARE making it up!
Just then, Cartman farts another fireball. But this time, a
long, metal object emerges from his ass. It opens like a
robotic eye and looks around.
STAN
Woa!
CARTMAN
What?
The eye looks around, blinks, then closes itself and zips
back into Cartman's ass.
KYLE
That was cool!
Chef spins Cartman around and looks at his ass.
CHEF
It's some kind of sembiodic
metamorphosis device. This could
mean the visitors want to communicate
with us!
CARTMAN
Oh, I see, now YOU'RE going to join
in on the little joke, huh?
CHEF
It's no joke children, this is big!
KYLE
(pleading)
Please Chef, if I don't get out of
school and get my little brother
back from the aliens, my parents are
gonna disown me.
Chef thinks for a second.
CHEF
Ah, hold on now... You got to help
the children!
CARTMAN
You guys sure are going a long way
to try to scare me. I WANT MY
SALISBURY STEAK!!!
Chef pulls the fire alarm.
CHEF
Fire Drill!!! Fire Drill, everybody
out. Okay children, this is your
chance.
The boys all take off.
STAN
Killer, thanks Chef.
CHEF
Man oh man, first contact with the
alien visitors. I've got to get myself
ready...
EXT. LITTLE TOWN - SOUTH PARK
Kids are singing.
KIDS
We got out of school... No more school
today... We got out of school.
Cartman farts a fire ball.
CARTMAN
OHHHH - YOU GUYS, MY ASS!! SERIOUSLY.
STAN
Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting
fire now.
CARTMAN
I would if I could you son of a bitch!
KYLE
Okay, so how do we get my little
brother back?
CARTMAN
Would you stop going on about your
little brother?! I KNOW it was just
a dream! I KNOW I didn't have an
anal probe! And I KNOW that I'm not
under alien control!!!
Suddenly, there is a loud BZAP!!! Cartman's expression
completely changes.
His eyes widen - and his mouth curls into a false smile.
Strange 30's music starts to play from nowhere and Cartman
starts to sing (although his voice isn't his own)
CARTMAN
(Singing)
I love to sing-a! About the moon-a
and the Juna and the spring-a! I
love to sing-a!
Stan and Kyle look on, perplexed.
CARTMAN
About a sky of blue or a tea for
two.
Just as suddenly as it started, the music stops and Cartman
goes back to his normal self. The boys all stare at each
other. Cartman looks absolutely baffled.
STAN
What the hell was that?!
KYLE
He is under alien control. That thing
in his butt is linked up to the
visitors.
CARTMAN
Oh, son of a bitch.
ACT III FADE OUT
FADE IN
CARTMAN
You guys shut up, I'm not under alien
control.
Kyle walks up to Cartman's ear and starts screaming in it.
KYLE
HEY!! IF YOU VISITORS CAN HEAR ME --
BRING ME BACK MY LITTLE BROTHER GOD
DAMMIT!
CARTMAN
Ow! That hurts, you butt licker!
Suddenly, a small alien scout ship flies by.
STAN
KYLE, LOOK! It's them!
Kyle picks a rock up off the ground.
KYLE
GIVE ME BACK MY BROTHER!
Kyle throws the rock at the UFO. DING! The UFO stops and
fires a yellow ray at the boys.
The ray hits Kenny, and blows him back several yards. Kenny
lands with a horrible bone breaking CRUNCH!
STAN
Oh my God!! They killed Kenny!
KYLE
YOU BASTARDS!! COME BACK HERE!! COME
BAAAAACK!
But the little UFO's disappear into the sky.
KYLE
DAMMIT! We were so close!
STAN
Hey, look - I think Kenny's okay!
Kenny manages to pick himself up off the ground. He looks
pretty bad, but he might be-
Just then the cows come stampeding through and run over Kenny.
KENNY
Mff mrrr mph VWOOM!!
Officer Barbrady's car races through frame and runs over
Kenny. The boys walk over to Kenny's bleeding body.
STAN
Wow, poor Kenny.
KYLE
Now do you believe us Cartman?
CARTMAN
No!
STAN
Cartman, they KILLED Kenny!
CARTMAN
He's not dead.
STAN
Dude, Kenny is dead! See?!
CARTMAN
Shut up, you guys.
KYLE
(Pulling Kenny's head
off)
He's DEAD, Cartman.
CARTMAN
GOD DAMMIT I DIDN'T HAVE AN ANAL
PROBE!!!
There is a long pause.
CARTMAN
Screw you guys, I'm going home!
Cartman walks away.
KYLE
Go on and go home you Fat Chicken!
CARTMAN (O.S.)
Dildo!
KYLE
You're all I have left, Stan.
STAN
Sorry dude, I gotta go meet Wendy
Testaburger.
KYLE
You can't! Poor Ike must be so
scared... Up there all alone... You
gotta help me dude!
STAN
Dude, like Chef says, I gotta get a
piece of loving while the gettin's
hot.
Stan walks away.
Rats come into frame and feast on Kenny's dead body.
KYLE
Rats!
INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DUSK
Cartman walks into his house and is greeted by his overly
pleasant MOTHER.
MRS. CARTMAN
Hello Eric.
CARTMAN
Hi Mom.
MRS. CARTMAN
How are you doing?
CARTMAN
Well, I'm pissed off.
MRS. CARTMAN
Here, I made you powder doughnut
pancake surprise.
CARTMAN
I don't want powder doughnut pancake
surprise! All the kids at school
call me fat!
MRS. CARTMAN
You're not fat, you're big boned.
CARTMAN
That's what I said.
MRS. CARTMAN
You can have an eency weency bit
can't you?
CARTMAN
NO!
MRS. CARTMAN
Just a weency eency woo woo.
CARTMAN
NO leave me alone mom!
MRS. CARTMAN
How about a nice chocolate chicken
potpie, then?
CARTMAN
What? Well that does sound pretty
good.
Cartman sits down at the couch and turns on the T.V.
CARTMAN
Uh, Mom?
MRS. CARTMAN
Yes, hon?
CARTMAN
If anybody calls or comes over - I'm
not here, okay?
MRS. CARTMAN
Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs
too?
CARTMAN
Yea I want Cheesy Poofs!
EXT. STARK'S POND - AFTERNOON
Stan and Kyle are standing at Stark's pond.
KYLE
Well, looks like she's not gonna
show up, Stan. Let's go look for the
visitors now.
STAN
But her note said she'd be here!
WENDY
Hi Stan.
Wendy appears from frame left. Stan immediately vomits all
over himself.
WENDY
Ew!
KYLE
You can't talk to Stan, Wendy, he
throws up when you do.
WENDY
But why Stan?
Stan vomits some more.
WENDY
Eww!
KYLE
Look, could you guys just get down
to business so we can go find my
little brother?
WENDY
Huh?
KYLE
Just make sweet love down by the
fire.
WENDY
What happened to your little brother?
INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON
Cartman is still busy eating and watching T.V.
ANGLE - TELEVISION
A TV REPORTER stands out in a random wheat field.
TV REPORTER
As the reports of UFO sightings
increase, more mysterious crop-circle
patterns are appearing in fields all
around South Park. These crop circles,
when viewed from above, form strange
patterns...
ZOOM OUT to show a huge crop-circle that looks EXACTLY like
Cartman.
RESUME - CARTMAN ON COUCH
CARTMAN
Hey, that kinda looks like... Tom
Selleck.
TV REPORTER (O.S.)
Could it be that aliens are trying
to make contact with us here on Earth?
Just then, Cartman's cute little kitty, KITTY, walks up and
looks at him innocently. The kitty MEOWs.
CARTMAN
No Kitty... This is MY pot-pie.
The cat meows again.
CARTMAN
No kitty! Bad Kitty!! No Kitty,
this is MY pot pie!!! MOMM!!! Kitty's
being a dildo!!
Cartman's mother appears from the kitchen.
CARTMAN'S MOM
Well then I know a certain kitty
kitty who's sleeping with mommy
tonight.
CARTMAN
What?
EXT. STARK'S POND - AFTERNOON
Kyle is finishing his story to Wendy.
KYLE
...And now I have to go home without
him and my parents are going to have
me killed!
WENDY
Well, why don't you go get the fat
kid?
KYLE
Why?
WENDY
Well if the fat kid has something
implanted in his ass, maybe the
visitors are using him as part of
their plan. You should use the fat
kid as bait to bring them back.
KYLE
Hey, you're right Wendy! C'mon Stan,
We have to go get Cartman!
WENDY
C'mon Stan!
Stan vomits.
WENDY
Ewwww!
STAN
Hey wait, when do I get to make sweet
love?
INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON
CARTMAN
No Kitty!! You can't have any!!
The cat puts its paw up and meows cutely.
CARTMAN
NO KITTY! THIS IS MY POT-PIE! BAD
KITTY!!
Cartman farts a fireball onto his cat. The cat runs away, on
fire, making horrible sounds.
CARTMAN
Oh, excuse me, kitty.
Cartman's mother opens the door to reveal Stan, Kyle and
Wendy.
MRS. CARTMAN
Eric, look who's here!
CARTMAN
Dude, WEAK mom!
KYLE
Come on, Eric, we're going to go
play at the bus stop.
CARTMAN
Can't- My mom says-
MRS. CARTMAN
That's okay, Eric. I think you need
to spend time with your little
friends.
CARTMAN
But mom, I don't want to spend time
with my little friends.
MRS. CARTMAN
Don't be difficult, Eric. Now you go
out and play in the fun snow.
CARTMAN
God Dammit!
The burning kitty races through frame.
EXT. REMOTE LOCATION BY A TREE - NIGHT
Stan ties a rope to Cartman's ankle. Kyle ties the other end
to a nearby tree.
CARTMAN
(EXTREMELY NERVOUS)
You guys, I have to get home.
STAN
Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman!
This rope will make sure they can't
take you on board again.
Wendy, Stan and Kyle walk over to some bushes and crouch
down, leaving Cartman all alone in the darkness.
Cartman stares up nervously at the starry, ominous sky.
CARTMAN
Oh man, this sucks.
KYLE
How come the visitors aren't coming
for him?
STAN
I think we need to signal the them
somehow.
Cartman farts and a flame lights up the surroundings.
CARTMAN
OWWWWW!
WENDY
Hey, he's like rudolph!
KYLE
Yeah all you have to do is fart some
more, Cartman, and the visitors are
sure to come.
CARTMAN
Really? Uhh.. I don't think I have
to fart anymore tonight.
KYLE
Sure you do!
STAN
Come on, Cartman! Fart!
CARTMAN
I don't wanna...
STAN
He can't hold it in forever.
KYLE
Fart Damn you!
CARTMAN
Okay!! That does it!!! Now listen!
Why is it that everything today has
involved things either going in or
coming out of MY ASS?! I'm sick of
it! It's completely immature!!!
Suddenly, the metal rod emerges once again from Cartman's
ass.
STAN
Hey! It's happening again!
This time, the rod looks around, then expands, and expands,
folds over onto itself and expands again, until finally an
eighty foot satellite dish is sticking out of Cartman's ass.
KYLE
Woa! Look at that!
STAN
Now do you believe us Cartman?!
Cartman glances quickly at the dish.
CARTMAN
You guys can't scare me! I know you're
making it all up!
STAN
Cartman! There's an eighty-foot
satellite dish sticking out of your
ass!
CARTMAN
Sure you guys, whatever.
The dish powers up with a low hum and a huge yellow beam of
light shoots out from it like a searchlight.
EXT. OUTER SPACE
The beam of light emulates from Earth and shoots outwards
into space.
EXT. CHEF'S BACK YARD
Chef is dressed in party clothes and sunglasses. He is sitting
in a lounge chair out on his front lawn. He has a little
sign that reads 'Welcome Visitors!' Chef notices the big
bright light.
CHEF
Oh, boy! The aliens are going to
make first contact!
Chef swigs a beer.
CHEF
(Shouting)
Hey, down here! We are ready for
your wisdom!
(Checking his watch)
And you only got twenty minutes before
Sanford and Son is on!
RESUME - FIELD
CARTMAN
YOU GUYS! I AM SERIOUSLY GETTING
PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW! I KNOW THERE'S
NO SUCH THING AS ALIENS!!
Just then, a HUGE alien mother ship drops down from the sky
directly above Cartman. It is quickly followed by several
scout ships.
CARTMAN
OH, GOD DAMMIT!!
Mr. Garrison is driving by and stops when he sees all the
commotion.
MR. GARRISON
What the? I tell you, there is some
crazy stuff going on in this town.
Mr. Hat pops up.
MR. HAT
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
KYLE
Come down here you stinkin' aliens!
Five aliens beam down, and instantly appear in front of Stan,
Kyle, and Wendy. The kids are really scared.
STAN
Go on, Kyle, ask them for your little
brother back...
KYLE
(Tenderly)
V-Visitors... This morning you took
my brother, Ike. He's the little
freckled kid that looks like a
football...
The Visitors stare at Kyle.
KYLE
At first I was happy you took him
away... But I've learned something
today; that having a little brother
is a pretty special thing.
STAN
Yeah...
Violin music swells up.
KYLE
Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a
kid all alone in this crazy world,
but if you could just find it in
your hearts or whatever you have to
give my brother back to me, it sure
would make my life brighter again
Kyle bows his head down and starts to sob.
STAN
That was beautiful, dude.
KYLE
(still looking down)
Did it work?
STAN
Nope, they're leaving.
KYLE
HEY YOU SKRAWNY ASS (BEEP)-HEADS!
The visitors turn around.
KYLE
WHAT'S THE (BEEP) IS WRONG WITH YOU,
YOU (BEEP) LITTLE (BEEP). YOU MUST
BE SOME KIND OF (BEEP) TO BE ABLE TO
IGNORE A CRYING CHILD.
Stan is absolutely shocked.
STAN
Woa, dude.
KYLE
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE!? I BET YOU'D
ALL LIKE TO (BEEP) YOUR OWN (BEEP)
WHILE SHE (BEEP) ON YOUR (BEEP)
(BEEP)!!
STAN
Hey Wendy, what's a (BEEEEEP)
Wendy shrugs.
Suddenly, a large door on the alien mothership opens. Ike is
entombed in some sort of alien machinery. He is being spun
around and is shocked with all sorts of alien electricy but
generally looks as happy as he always does.
IKE
Blaa Ba Wah Wahh
KYLE
Ike! Jump down now for the love of
God Ike, JUMP!!!!
IKE
Bo ham me!
Just then, the herd of cows comes running in. The cows come
to a screeching halt RIGHT IN FRONT of the aliens! Their
poor little cow eyes grow wide and they start to shake.
The visitors stare at the cows. The cows shiver, they have
nowhere to run. Finally, one of the visitors raises its hand
in a Vulcan-like gesture.
VISITOR
Moo.
The cows all look suprised.
VISITOR
Mooo. Moooo. Mooo.
SUBTITLES: "Greetings, Cows of Earth. We come in peace."
The cows all look at each other. Finally, one cow makes a
noise.
COW
Moo?
SUBTITLES: "Really?"
Meanwhile, Kyle and the kids are still trying to get Ike to
jump down.
KYLE
Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice
to you from now on!
IKE
Don kick da bebe!
The visitors continue to moo at the cows.
VISITOR
Moo. Moo. Moo.
SUBTITLES: "We have experimented with all the beings of Earth,
and have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise."
CARTMAN
What the hell are they talking about?!
COW
Moo. Moo, moo?
Subtitle: "Why did you turn some of us inside out?"
The visitors look at each other.
VISITOR
Moo, moo, moo. Moo.
Subtitle: "Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new."
Another visitor steps raises his hand in the background
VISITOR CARL
Moo. Moo.
Subtitle: "Yeah, sorry about that. My bad."
KYLE
Ike!!!!!
The visitors hand over a small clear obelisk and place it on
the ground in front of the cows who just stare at it.
VISITOR
Moo, moo, moo. Moo.
Subtitle: "Take this device. It is a gift from us."
Kyle stands underneath his brother who still won't jump down.
KYLE
Ike! Do your impersonation of David
Caruso's career.
IKE
It's my tun!
Finally, Ike jumps from the machine and lands upside down in
the snow.
The large satellite dish collapses and disappears back into
Cartman's ass.
VISITOR
Moo, moo, moo. Moo.
Subtitle: "Farewell, cows, peace be with you."
The visitors disappear and beam up to their ship. A light
shines down on Cartman down and sucks him up.
CARTMAN
You guys! Get me down from here!!
Flames shoot out of Cartman's ass in a flaming fart. The
flames burn the rope and Cartman goes shooting upwards.
Cartman floats up into the spacecraft. Once inside, the hatch
closes and the ship takes off. In the distance, the kids can
hear Cartman.
CARTMAN
Heeeeeeelp... Sonns a bitcheeees!!
DIIIIILLLLLDOOOS!!
With the UFO gone, the forest is silent once again.
STAN
I'm sure glad that's over with.
KYLE
Yeah, boy am I glad to see you, Ike!
IKE
Oh he fly at the sky.
EXT. CHEF'S BACK YARD
CHEF
Wait, where are you going Alien
visitors? Come back!!!
LADY #1
Well Chef, where's this amazing thing
you're going to show us?
CHEF
Well, it's in the bedroom ladies,
come on in.
CUT TO:
KYLE
C'mon Ike, we can make it just in
time for dinner.
Kyle and Ike walk away, leaving Stan and Wendy alone.
STAN
Thanks for your help, Wendy.
WENDY
Whatever, dude.
STAN
Hey I didn't throw up!
WENDY
Cool!
Stan and Wendy move closer as if about to kiss... closer...
closer... And finally - Stan vomits all over himself and
Wendy.
WENDY
Ew!
STAN
Sorry.
WENDY
Hey look! A french fry!
STAN
Cool!
WENDY
And what is that?
STAN
I think its part of a Cheesy Poof.
WENDY
Hey, what's that?
Wendy and Stan continue to identify food stuffs in Stan's
vomit, silhouetted against a full moon.
FADE OUT
EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING
Stan and Kyle wait for the bus.
STAN
Gee, the bus'll be here any minute
and Cartman still isn't around.
KYLE
Yeah, we're running out of friends.
STAN
I wonder what that thing was the
visitors gave the cows?
The cows graze peacefully. They have their little object
with them.
Officer Barbrady walks in.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Ha ha cows, I got you cornered. Let's
see you get away now!
One of the cows steps on the object that the aliens gave
them and a ray shoots out and hits Officer Barbrady who begins
to dance and sing (although his voice isn't his own) the way
Cartman did when he was under the alien control.
OFFICER BARBRADY
(Singing)
I love to sing-a! About the moon-a
and the Juna and the spring-a! I
love to sing-a! About a sky of blue
or a tea for two.
The cows jump up and down gleefully.
RESUME - BOYS AT BUSSTOP
Suddenly, Cartman drops from the sky and lands with a dull
thud into the snow.
STAN
Oh, hey Cartman!
Cartman moans. The school bus pulls up.
KYLE
Wow, Cartman, the visitors dropped
you off just in time to go to school!
CARTMAN
Oh man, I had this crazy nightmare
last night...
STAN
Really? What about?
CARTMAN
Well, I was standing out in a field
and I had this HUGE satellite dish
stickin' outta my butt. And then
there was hundreds of cows and aliens,
and then I went up on the ship and
Scott Baio gave me pink eye.
STAN
That wasn't a dream Cartman. That
really happened!
CARTMAN
Oh right, why don't have pink eye
then?
KYLE
Cartman, you DO have pink eye!
Sure enough, Cartman's eyes are a bright shade of pink.
CARTMAN
Ah son of a bitch.
FIN
|
