"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 506
"CARTMANLAND"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A bright, sunny day, with some clouds in the sky. The camera
pans down to a funeral scene in a cemetery with robust trees]
PRIEST
...And so it is with heavy hearts that
we say good-bye to Mabel Louise Cartman.
She was a good woman, a community leader,
a caring wife, a providing mother ,
and a loving grandmother .
CARTMAN
Mom, it's 3:30! This is taking up my
whole Saturday!
LIANE
Ssshhh, pumpkin, it's almost over.
CARTMAN
Why couldn't the funeral have been on
a school day?
PRIEST
And now, let us bow our heads in a moment
of silence and reflect on how Mabel
touched our lives.
CARTMAN
God! She didn't take this long to die!
PRIEST
And now we release the doves to symbolize
the Lord taking Mabel into his arms
and giving her everlasting peace.
ASSISTANT
Peace.
CARTMAN
Great! Now can we go?!
LIANE
No, sweetie, we have to tend to some
of Grandma's business.
CARTMAN
Ogh! God-damnit!!
JOHNSON'S & ASSOCIATES
LAW FIRM
[The city, day]
EXECUTOR
...And so I leave my stocks and bonds,
worth an estimate fourteen dollars and
twelve cents, to be divided amongst
my loving family.
CARTMAN
Mom, I wanna go home!
LIANE
In a minute, sweetie. This is important.
EXECUTOR
To my loving son, Stinky: I leave you
the house in Nebraska. Look after it
as your father and I did.
CARTMAN
Bluh bluh bluhbluh bluh bluh!
EXECUTOR
To my grandson Eric: You are always
my favorite fat little man, my perfect
round little pudding-piler.
CARTMAN
Oh, God, do you have to embarrass me
even in death, Grandma?!
EXECUTOR
For you, Eric, I leave from my life
savings, the sum of one million dollars,
to be transferred to you immediately.
CARTMAN
Hoosajiggawha?
LIANE
A million dollars?
EXECUTOR
Eric is the primary benefactor of my
estate, since it is likely the rest
of you would spend the money on crack.
LIANE
Oh my.
UNCLE STINKY
That can't be!
CARTMAN
Uh yah sir, excuse me: Du- Does this
mean that I... have... one... million
dollars?
EXECUTOR
Yes, Eric, it's yours.
CARTMAN
Nonowait, you don't understand: since
I was th-three years old it has been
my dream to have one million dollars
EXECUTOR
And now, you do.
CARTMAN
Egh.
[South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on
a hill]
STAN
"There you are, Jennifer Lopez!" "You've
been most uncooperative, Ms. Lopez."
KYLE
"No, please! I promise I'll never make
another album or movie!"
STAN
"It's too late for that, Ms. Lopez."
KYLE
"Have mercy!" Yeah ha ha!
STAN
Yeah, awesome! ...Why?
KYLE
Nuh uh.
STAN
You'd better not be lying, Kenny.
[South Park, the Bank, later. Inside, a banker counts the money
out in $100 bills. Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, Chef, and
others are there.]
BANKER
Nine hundred ninety nine thousand four
hundred, nine hundred ninety nine thousand
five hundred...
JIMBO
Damn, Ned, I've never seen that much
cash.
NED
Mm-me neither.
BANKER
...Nine hundred ninety nine thousand
nine hundred, one million.
CARTMAN
Look at it. Look at it, mother. See
how the light reflects the spearmint
green from its surface.
MR. GARRISON
Eric, that is a lot of money. Don't
you think you should keep it in the
bank instead of at your hosue?
CARTMAN
I'm not keeping it, Mr. Garrison, I'm
spending it.
JIMBO
On what?
CARTMAN
On my dream. On the one thing that
I've wanted ever since I could remember...
[South Park, the Bank, outside. Cartman leads the others out
of the bank and down the street. The money is in hsi Radio Flyer
wagon]
BROKER
Excuse me son, I'm an investment broker;
I can help you invest that money.
CARTMAN
Nuh uh, I'm spendin' it.
PRIEST MAXI
Eric, God could sure use that money
for a bigger church.
CARTMAN
Huh, I think God has plenty of money.
KYLE
What the hell are you doing, fatass?!
CARTMAN
Not much, just taking my one million
dollars out of the bank.
STAN
Oh my God.
KYLE
Kenny wasn't lying.
CARTMAN
Would you mind stepping aside? I have
a purchase to make.
STAN
Dude, can you loan me twenty bucks for
a new jacket?
CARTMAN
HA! If you need money, you can get a
JOB, Stan! No freeloadeers are gonna
take my hard-earned cash!
KYLE
Your grandma left it to you! You didn't
earn it!
CARTMAN
Didn't earn it?! What about all the
years I spent making Grandma like me?!
All the wet spit-filled kisses I put
up with?! The constant smell of aspirin
and pee?! Don't tell me I didn't earn
it, you son of a bitch!
KYLE
No... No, this isn't possible.
STAN
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
KYLE
No, I mean, this is impossible, Stan!
Cartman is the biggest asshole in the
world! How is it that God gives him
a million dollars?
STAN
Come on, we gotta see what Cartman is
doing with his money.
KYLE
Why? How could you do this? There are
people starving in Alabama and... and
you give Cartman a million dollars?
[North Park Funland, day. Cartman and his mom are in the park
office signing papers]
BROKER
...Aaand if we can just get you to sign
here... and here... .
LIANE
Are you sure this is what you want,
sweetie?
CARTMAN
My own amusement park, Mother. I'm sure.
BROKER
And now you just sign here, Mr. Foon.
MR. FOON
I can't do it.
BROKER
What?
CARTMAN
What?!
MR. FOON
Uh uh I can't sell this poor kid my
park. Look, I haven't been honest with
you. The park hasn't been doing great
business.
BROKER
Frank...
MR. FOON
Sshhhh. It ain't right, Chris. The
truth is, the park is a financial flop.
I haven't turned a profit in years because
I can't keep attendance up.
CARTMAN
Oh, but I'm not buying the park to get
people to come.
MR. FOON
You... you're not?
CARTMAN
No no no! I'm buying it to keep people
out! Don't you see? Forever it has
been my dream to have my very own theme
park, so that I could be alone in it,
all day, every day. I love theme parks.
But the lines! Everywhere you go, people,
crowds, The rides are great, but...
All the lines, lines, LINES! If there's
one thing I hate, all the lines, lines,
lines, LINES!! And then there get to
be so many people that they make FastPass.
So then there's lines for FastPass.
You stand in line to get a ticket to
stand in line later. Then there's lines
for the bathrooms , lines for the drinks
, lines for cantakuras and rare Kartankulas
Plinks! ...And, so you see, this park
is for me. Nobody else will be allowed
in it.
MR. FOON
Nn-oh. Well then, I guess I don't feel
bad.
CHRIS
Mr. Cartman, congratulations, the theme
park is yours.
CARTMAN
Gentlemen, I thank you.
[South Park Synangogue, night. A main door opens and Stan enters]
STAN
Kyle? Dude, what are you doing here?
Everybody's looking for you. Kyle?
KYLE
Do you know what happened to me this
morning, Stan? This morning... I woke
up and felt a sharp pain in my ass.
I felt down there and, and found this...
big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't
even sit down, so... I, I had to tell
my mother, which, which was humiliating.
She took me to the doctor, which was
more humiliating, a- a- nd he told me.
I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an
infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm
nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid,
Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and, Cartman
has his own theme park.
STAN
Kyle, I, I understand what you mean,
but-
KYLE
Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all
my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah!
To believe that we should all behave
a certain way and good things will come
tu us. I make mistakes, but every week
I try to better myself. I'm always saying,
"You know, I learned something today..."
and what does this so-called God give
me in return? A hemorrhoid. He doesn't
make sense! What is your logic?! Ow.
STAN
Look. Cartman... he thinks he's gonna
be happy because he has his own amusement
park, but, he's gonna find out that
without other people, the rides are
totally lame. I mean, who could really
have fun by themselves at a theme park?
I'll bet he's sick of it already.
[North Park Funland, day. Cartman is on the Carousel on a white
horse, alone]
CARTMAN
Yyeessss! Yyeessss! Awesome! Ho ho!
Sweet! Yes! Folks, please keep your
arms and legs inside the vehicle at
all times, make sure your seatbelts
are fastened, and enjoy the Mine Shaft!
Yes! Yes! Oh, cool! Oh, look how
much fun I had! Whoa! Heheheheh. Ah!
Heheh. Whoa! Heh, heheh. Woooo, Adventure
Island! Check it out! Awesome! Yoohoo!
Yeh-hehess! Yehess! I'm so happy!
I'm so happy!
[Stan's house. Kyle enters carrying a padded seat ring]
STAN
Oh, hey dude. Terrance & Phillip is
just about to start.
KYLE
Great.
STAN
What that?
KYLE
It's my seat ring. I have to sit on
it because of my hemorrhoid. Ow.
STAN
Heh, heh. Sorry.
KYLE
So, how are things going at Cartman's
theme park?!
STAN
Dude, just forget about it. We can't
let him get to us, or he wins.
KYLE
Hunh, I guess you're right.
CARTMAN
Hey, everybody! Check out the all new
Cartmanland! It's our Graaand Opening!
Cartmanland has over a hundred fabulous
rides , six roller coasters , and tons
of great surprises! And the best part
is: You can't come!! That's right,
because at Cartmanland, only I, Eric
Cartman, can get in! That means only
I can ride the all-new Tornado Twister
, a roller coaster that splashes in
the water! Wow! It's the greatest amusement
park in the Colorado area! And nobody
can go!! Especially Stan and Kyle!!
HAHA!! So come on down to Cartmanland
now! But don't plan on getting past
the parking lot, 'cause remember:
So much to do at Cartmanland, but you
can't come! Especially you, Stan and
Kyle.
STAN
That does it, dude!
KYLE
Where are we going?
STAN
We're getting into that fatass's park
whether he likes it or not!
[Cartmanland, Haunted Mansion, night. Cartman is back on the
ride.]
CARTMAN
Whoa! Heheh. Whoa! Whoa! Heheheheheh.
Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one
part, with the-uum, with the spider
that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally
got me. That was sweet! Heheh.
KYLE
Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! Owie-ow! Help!
Ow, that hurts!
CARTMAN
What the hell?
KYLE
Hohohooho! Oowwww!
CARTMAN
You sons of bitches!
[Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for
Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence.
The view is from the park towards the parking lot.]
STAN
Come on, dude!
KYLE
Hoh Gohod, I popped it!! Oh hit huhurts!!
CARTMAN
What the hell are you doing?!
STAN
Aw, crap.
KYLE
Oho God, get me off of here!!
STAN
Dude!
KYLE
Stahan, I have to go home!! I need
my cream!! I need my creeheam!!
STAN
Alright, let's go.
CARTMAN
That's right! You stay out!
STAN
You can't keep us out forever, you fucking
fastass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's
hemorrhoid is better!
KYLE
My life can't get any worse!
STAN
You'll see! We'll get in!
CARTMAN
...Alright, so listen: All I want you
to do is keep anybody out who tries
to get in here. If you see anybody on
my propertih, especially Stan and Kyle,
you are to shoot on sight!
SECURITY GUARD
So what does does this job pay?
CARTMAN
Alright, now this is very hard for me
to do, you understand. But, in return
for you working security, I'll let you
ride two rides a day. But only two rides,
and only if I'm not on them.
SECURITY GUARD
Uh, I'm afraid I don't really like rides.
CARTMAN
But, you can ride anything you want.
And you don't have to wait in line.
SECURITY GUARD
I'm not interested.
CARTMAN
Dude, are you from Mars or something?
Any ride you want. No lines.
SECURITY GUARD
If you need security, I need a cash
salary.
CARTMAN
But I don't have any cash. I spent everything
on this park.
SECURITY GUARD
Well, look: Why don't you just let a
couple of people in each day? Every
day you can just let two people in,
charge $29.95 per ticket, and then you
can use that to pay my daily salary.
CARTMAN
Ugh. Two people?
SECURITY GUARD
This place is huge. You'll never notice
two people. And then you'll have security
for your park.
CARTMAN
Well, all alright, Goddamnit! I'll open
the park to two people each day! But
remember: anybody else you see trespassing
the park...
SECURITY GUARD
I will shoot on sight.
CARTMAN
Sweet.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kyle is on a gurney face down. A
doctor stands behind him as his parents look on]
DOCTOR
You're a very lucky little boy. I've
never seen a hemorrhoid so infected.
It could have killed you.
KYLE
Sucky.
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, look, Kyle. Your little friend Stan
is here to see you.
STAN
Dude, are you okay?
KYLE
Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid
trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland,
and it got infected. I really need to
go to the bathroom, but if I do, it
will pop again and the pain will make
me pass out. How are you?
STAN
Well um, ah-I found out that Cartman
is letting a few people each day into
his theme park. I wa thinking we could
put on disguises and get in.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Ah-ah-ah-I'm afraid Kyle can't ride
any amusement park rides for over a
year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.
STAN
Jesus.
KYLE
But it's okay, Stan, because I finally
figured it out. You see, if someone
like Cartman can get a million dollars
and his own theme park, then there is
no God. There's no God, dude.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, don't say such things!
KYLE
Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do something
bad will happen to me? Because if I
do your God might not shower me with
his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle, youyouyou just don't understand.
It's-
KYLE
No! I finally do understand! There is
no justice! There is no God!. Do you
hear me?! I renounce my faith!!
[Cartmanland, day. Barbed wire has been placed atop every fence
imaginable. A crowd of people shows up. Among the people are
Butters, Clyde, Jordan, Bebe...]
CARTMAN
Alrightalright, listen up, people.
Cartmanland is open, but only to two
people each day.
KIDS
Aw.
BOY
That's gay.
CARTMAN
I just gotta cover my security expenses.
Butters, Clyde, you can come in.
BUTTERS
Hoh.
CLYDE
Oh.
CARTMAN
The rest of you will just have to try
another day.
KIDS
Aw.
CARTMAN
'K, one park admission? That will be
twenty-nine ninety five, sir. Five
cents is your change and enjoy your
stay at Cartmanland.
BUTTERS
Hoh boy, oh boy!
CARTMAN
...and enjoy your stay at Cartmanland.
Ogh, finally, work is over. Now I can
get back to riding my rides. Dada da,
I've got my own theme park. Hm, what
should I go on now? I know! I'll go
on the Haunted Mansion ride again!
Da dait daa da Da dat dadadadadadaa
da-ah- What are you doing?
BUTTERS
We're waitin' in line for the-ah spook
house.
CARTMAN
Line? Lines! I HATE LINES!!! Can't you
go on something else right now?
BUTTERS
Well we wanna see the spook house. Uh
well, we paid twenty-nine ninety five;
we should be able to go in the spook
house.
CLYDE
Yeah! But I think it's broke down. The
cars aren't moving.
CARTMAN
Ugh, alrightalright, hang on. Security!
SECURITY GUARD
What?
CARTMAN
Oh, Jesus! Uh, look, the haunted house
ride broke down. I need you to fix it.
SECURITY GUARD
Uh, I'm security, not maintenance.
CARTMAN
But I don't know how it works.
SECURITY GUARD
Well your rides are gonna break down
every now and then. You need to hire
a maintenance person.
CARTMAN
Ogh, alrightalright! I'll let two more
people in each day so I can hire a maintenance
person.
[Cartmanland, another day. A crowd of people shows up. Among
the people are Bebe, Token, Timmy, Kenny, Filmore...]
CARTMAN
Alright folks, we've had another change
in policy. I've had to hire a maintenance
person, and to pay his salary I have
to let in two more people a day. However,
the stupid maintenance worker demanded
I have food and drinks inside the park,
so now I've had to hire a beverage person,
and a cotton-candy person, which means
I now have to let eight people come
in a day! BUT, you are to try your best
not to ride any rides that I am on!
Understood? Alright, let's go.
TIMMY
Timmay!
CARTMAN
Wait a minute! Who are you?
BOY
Mike Gainor.
CARTMAN
HA! Get the hell out of here, Stan!
STAN
Goddamnit Cartman, let me in!
CARTMAN
I thought you said buying a theme park
was stupid! SECURITY!
STAN
It is stupid, Cartman! You made Kyle
lose his faith in God, you fat asshole!
CARTMAN
Get him out of here!
SECURITY GUARD
Move along, sir.
STAN
AAAH! This isn't over, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Eugh. Well, now I can finally get back
to my riding my rides! Uh oh! Oh man,
I'm so scared! AAAAaaaa....
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. A nurse works on Kyle's hemorrhoid
with pincers]
KYLE
Ah! Aaah!
NURSE
Just a little more There we go.
KYLE'S FATHER
Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today?
KYLE
Awesome.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, we wanna tell you about the book
of Job. It's a story from the Bible.
KYLE
I've had enough of the Bible. What has
it gotten me?
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, I think you'll see differently after
hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. Uh, okay.
You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan
a long long time ago. Job was a great
man. He was blessed with ten lovely
children , a wonderful wife, and many
friends.
KYLE'S MOTHER
He was godly, and a good man, and fed
the poor.
KYLE'S FATHER
He was the most upright and honorable
of men, and every day he praised God.
KYLE'S MOTHER
But one day, Satan went up to heaven
and talked to God.
KYLE
Satan talked to God?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Yes, in the book of Job, Satan talks
to God. And God says to Satan, "Have
you seen Job? He is a great man, and
he praises me every day."
KYLE'S FATHER
But Satan said, "Oh yeah? He only praises
you because you gave him so much. If
you didn't give him those things, he
would curse your name."
KYLE'S MOTHER
To which God said, "Oh yeah? I'll show
you, Satan! I'll take those things away
from Job and he will still praise my
name."
KYLE'S FATHER
And so, God had a bunch of barbarians
come in and slaughter Job's oxen and
donkeys, and murder all his workers.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Then God sent his fireballs from the
sky and killed his sheep and the rest
of his employees.
KYLE'S FATHER
And then, as Job's sons and daughters
were eating, God sent a mighty wind
to collapse the house and crush and
kill them all.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Job was terribly sad, but he fell to
his knees and said, "The Lord giveth,
and the Lord taketh away," and praised
God's name.
KYLE'S FATHER
So then, Job got painful sores all over
his body.
KYLE'S MOTHER
He was in terrible, miserable pain all
day, every day. But he still kept his
faith.
KYLE'S FATHER
God said to Sata, "See? I told you.
Job still praises me."
KYLE
And that's it? That's the end?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Basically.
KYLE
That's the most horrible story I've
ever heard. Why would God do such a
horrible thing to a good person just
to prove a point to Satan?
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh. Uhhh, I don't know.
KYLE
Then I was right. Job has all his children
killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep
making movies. There isn't a God.
[Cartmanland, day. Yet another crowd of people awaits to get
in. Cartman greets them]
CARTMAN
...And, since the stupid security guard
needs video surveillance, I have to
let in two more people a day to cover
those expenses... Need to cover the
new ticket guy's salary, so that's three
more admissions a day... Cleanup crew
for the bathroom, money to cover paint
and upkeep - so that's about four admissions
- that brings the grand total to...
God-damnit! Eight hundred and sixteen
people can come into the park today!
CLERK
Welcome to Cartmanland.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's
recovery progress and is now talking to the parents]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Isn't he getting any better, doctor?
DOCTOR
I don't understand it. He's not fighting
the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's
like he... like he's lost all hope.
Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more
tests to run.
ANNOUNCER
And now back to Money Quest, on HBC.
HOST 1
Welcome back to Money Quest. In just
over two weeks, young financial genius
Eric Cartman has managed to turn a
theme park that was seeing less than
a hundred attendees a day into a thriving
park with attendance in the thousands.
HOST 2
And the way he did it is with the brilliant
"You Can't Come" technique. For the
first several days, the young businessman
saturated the market with the claim
that nobody could get into his park.
It made the public crazy. So then, weeks
later, when he opened the doors, they
were lining up around the block. Simply
amazing.
HOST 1
Well, ahah I thnk we should point out
that this technique is already being
applied by businesses all over the country.
[At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone
is waiting in line...]
WAITRESS
I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations.
Nobody can eat here. You'll have to
leave now.
[At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....]
CLERK
No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie.
Nobody can see this movie. I can't even
go in.
[At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]
ASSOCIATE
Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's
anymore! Get out of here!
[Back to Money Quest...]
HOST 1
Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the
financial genius of our time.
[Back to Kyle's room at Hell's Pass Hospital...]
KYLE
Oh. Oohh.Ohuhughughhh.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle? Kyle? Get the doctor!
[Cartmanland, day. Every ride has people on it, and every ride
Cartman is on shows a dejected Cartman as the others enjoy themselves.
At the Carousel he rides his favorite white horse, but shows
no joy in riding it. At Java Jam!!! he's in a purple teacup with
three other kids, and is not enjoying it. At Bumbper Buggies
he's in the #7 bumper car]
CARTMAN
Eh! Goddamnit, stop running into me!
KENNY
(Woohoo!) (Heeheehee!!)
CARTMAN
AGH! DAAAAAAH!!
[Cartmanland, Main Street. The crowds bustle about and business
is good. Chris the Broker and Mr. Foon are seen walking down
Main Street.]
MR. FOON
My God, look at it, Chris! That kid
completely turned this place around!
CHRIS
He sure did!
MR. FOON
Oh, if I could only have a park that
worked like this!
CARTMAN
Hey, there you are!
MR. FOON
Oh, hello. Congratulations on your success.
CARTMAN
Just give me my money back.
MR. FOON
What?
CARTMAN
I changed my mind! I don't want your
stupid park!
MR. FOON
...But it's doing great!
CARTMAN
You call this great?! I call it Hell!
Trade me back, Goddamnit!
MR. FOON
You bet! I'll go get your money right
now!
BOY
Daddy, daddy, can we ride the rockets?
CARTMAN
GODDAMNIT GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has brought Kyle's vitals
back, and Kyle is on oxygen, but he's still unconscious. Gerald
and Sheila look on]
KYLE'S FATHER
Isn't he responding at all, doctor?
DOCTOR
I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing
the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid
has spread to his lungs. Normally, the
body would fight the infection, but
he's... he's just... given up on life.
KYLE'S MOTHER
But then... are you saying...?
DOCTOR
There's nothing I can do. Little fella's
just... lost his will to live.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight!
[Cartmanland... ahem, North Park Funland, day. The old North
Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides
Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer
sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs
removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally
paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer]
CARTMAN
Good riddance, you stupid park! You
can all kiss my ass!
AGENT
Excuse me? Eric Cartman?
CARTMAN
Yeah?
AGENT
I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You
haven't kept records of your income
or payout, and there's a five hundred
thousand dollar discrepancy. Seize
the assets.
CARTMAN
He- Hey, that's my money!
MR. GARRETT
There's also the lawsuit of the little
boy who died in your park. The family's
entitled to the rest of this.
CARTMAN
What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time!
MR. GARRETT
You still owe thirteen thousand dollars
more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see
you in court.
CARTMAN
Yeh- You can't take my money, Goddamnit!
MR. GARRETT
We know how well your park is doing;
you'll make it back in no time.
CARTMAN
No! But I don't... ah... ah... Hey!
Hey Mr. Foon, I changed my mind. I need
the park to make my money back.
MR. FOON
Nohoho way, José!
CARTMAN
But I'm getting sued now. If I don't
have the park I lose everything!
MR. FOON
"I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from
France."
CARTMAN
This can't be happening! AAAAAHH!!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room]
STAN
Kyle, you gotta see!!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley.
Oh, Gerald!
STAN
Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here
on his bed with the machines attached?
DOCTOR
Well, I sssuppsed it could be rigged,
but I-
STAN
Then damnit man, do it!
[North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business
is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off
to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls]
CARTMAN
It isn't fair! You Goddamned assholes,
it isn't fair!
STAN
Look, Kyle. Look.
KYLE
Huh?
CARTMAN
You just build me up to chop me down,
didn't you?! What about my dream?! What
about my money?!
KYLE
Huh?
CARTMAN
I'M SO PISSED OFF!
SECURITY GUARD
Move along, sir! You are vandalizing
private property!
CARTMAN
Ey! You used to work for me! Ut ut
aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you sonfofabitch!
STAN
Kyle!
DOCTOR
He's coming back.
KYLE'S MOTHER
That's it, baby. That's it.
CARTMAN
Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks!
DOCTOR
Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is
going into remission!
HEMORRHOID
Oh, shih.
STAN
Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable.
Even more miserable than he was before
because he's had his dream and lost
it.
CARTMAN
It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna
die! I wanna daaahahie!
KYLE
You are up there!
THE END
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