[A bright, sunny day, with some clouds in the sky. The camera
pans down to a funeral scene in a cemetery with robust trees]
...And so it is with heavy hearts that
we say good-bye to Mabel Louise Cartman.
She was a good woman, a community leader,
a caring wife, a providing mother ,
and a loving grandmother .
Mom, it's 3:30! This is taking up my
Ssshhh, pumpkin, it's almost over.
Why couldn't the funeral have been on
a school day?
And now, let us bow our heads in a moment
of silence and reflect on how Mabel
touched our lives.
God! She didn't take this long to die!
And now we release the doves to symbolize
the Lord taking Mabel into his arms
and giving her everlasting peace.
Great! Now can we go?!
No, sweetie, we have to tend to some
of Grandma's business.
JOHNSON'S & ASSOCIATES
[The city, day]
...And so I leave my stocks and bonds,
worth an estimate fourteen dollars and
twelve cents, to be divided amongst
my loving family.
Mom, I wanna go home!
In a minute, sweetie. This is important.
To my loving son, Stinky: I leave you
the house in Nebraska. Look after it
as your father and I did.
Bluh bluh bluhbluh bluh bluh!
To my grandson Eric: You are always
my favorite fat little man, my perfect
round little pudding-piler.
Oh, God, do you have to embarrass me
even in death, Grandma?!
For you, Eric, I leave from my life
savings, the sum of one million dollars,
to be transferred to you immediately.
A million dollars?
Eric is the primary benefactor of my
estate, since it is likely the rest
of you would spend the money on crack.
That can't be!
Uh yah sir, excuse me: Du- Does this
mean that I... have... one... million
Yes, Eric, it's yours.
Nonowait, you don't understand: since
I was th-three years old it has been
my dream to have one million dollars
And now, you do.
[South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on
"There you are, Jennifer Lopez!" "You've
been most uncooperative, Ms. Lopez."
"No, please! I promise I'll never make
another album or movie!"
"It's too late for that, Ms. Lopez."
"Have mercy!" Yeah ha ha!
Yeah, awesome! ...Why?
You'd better not be lying, Kenny.
[South Park, the Bank, later. Inside, a banker counts the money
out in $100 bills. Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, Chef, and
others are there.]
Nine hundred ninety nine thousand four
hundred, nine hundred ninety nine thousand
Damn, Ned, I've never seen that much
...Nine hundred ninety nine thousand
nine hundred, one million.
Look at it. Look at it, mother. See
how the light reflects the spearmint
green from its surface.
Eric, that is a lot of money. Don't
you think you should keep it in the
bank instead of at your hosue?
I'm not keeping it, Mr. Garrison, I'm
On my dream. On the one thing that
I've wanted ever since I could remember...
[South Park, the Bank, outside. Cartman leads the others out
of the bank and down the street. The money is in hsi Radio Flyer
Excuse me son, I'm an investment broker;
I can help you invest that money.
Nuh uh, I'm spendin' it.
Eric, God could sure use that money
for a bigger church.
Huh, I think God has plenty of money.
What the hell are you doing, fatass?!
Not much, just taking my one million
dollars out of the bank.
Oh my God.
Kenny wasn't lying.
Would you mind stepping aside? I have
a purchase to make.
Dude, can you loan me twenty bucks for
a new jacket?
HA! If you need money, you can get a
JOB, Stan! No freeloadeers are gonna
take my hard-earned cash!
Your grandma left it to you! You didn't
Didn't earn it?! What about all the
years I spent making Grandma like me?!
All the wet spit-filled kisses I put
up with?! The constant smell of aspirin
and pee?! Don't tell me I didn't earn
it, you son of a bitch!
No... No, this isn't possible.
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
No, I mean, this is impossible, Stan!
Cartman is the biggest asshole in the
world! How is it that God gives him
a million dollars?
Come on, we gotta see what Cartman is
doing with his money.
Why? How could you do this? There are
people starving in Alabama and... and
you give Cartman a million dollars?
[North Park Funland, day. Cartman and his mom are in the park
office signing papers]
...Aaand if we can just get you to sign
here... and here... .
Are you sure this is what you want,
My own amusement park, Mother. I'm sure.
And now you just sign here, Mr. Foon.
I can't do it.
Uh uh I can't sell this poor kid my
park. Look, I haven't been honest with
you. The park hasn't been doing great
Sshhhh. It ain't right, Chris. The
truth is, the park is a financial flop.
I haven't turned a profit in years because
I can't keep attendance up.
Oh, but I'm not buying the park to get
people to come.
You... you're not?
No no no! I'm buying it to keep people
out! Don't you see? Forever it has
been my dream to have my very own theme
park, so that I could be alone in it,
all day, every day. I love theme parks.
But the lines! Everywhere you go, people,
crowds, The rides are great, but...
All the lines, lines, LINES! If there's
one thing I hate, all the lines, lines,
lines, LINES!! And then there get to
be so many people that they make FastPass.
So then there's lines for FastPass.
You stand in line to get a ticket to
stand in line later. Then there's lines
for the bathrooms , lines for the drinks
, lines for cantakuras and rare Kartankulas
Plinks! ...And, so you see, this park
is for me. Nobody else will be allowed
Nn-oh. Well then, I guess I don't feel
Mr. Cartman, congratulations, the theme
park is yours.
Gentlemen, I thank you.
[South Park Synangogue, night. A main door opens and Stan enters]
Kyle? Dude, what are you doing here?
Everybody's looking for you. Kyle?
Do you know what happened to me this
morning, Stan? This morning... I woke
up and felt a sharp pain in my ass.
I felt down there and, and found this...
big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't
even sit down, so... I, I had to tell
my mother, which, which was humiliating.
She took me to the doctor, which was
more humiliating, a- a- nd he told me.
I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an
infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm
nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid,
Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and, Cartman
has his own theme park.
Kyle, I, I understand what you mean,
Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all
my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah!
To believe that we should all behave
a certain way and good things will come
tu us. I make mistakes, but every week
I try to better myself. I'm always saying,
"You know, I learned something today..."
and what does this so-called God give
me in return? A hemorrhoid. He doesn't
make sense! What is your logic?! Ow.
Look. Cartman... he thinks he's gonna
be happy because he has his own amusement
park, but, he's gonna find out that
without other people, the rides are
totally lame. I mean, who could really
have fun by themselves at a theme park?
I'll bet he's sick of it already.
[North Park Funland, day. Cartman is on the Carousel on a white
Yyeessss! Yyeessss! Awesome! Ho ho!
Sweet! Yes! Folks, please keep your
arms and legs inside the vehicle at
all times, make sure your seatbelts
are fastened, and enjoy the Mine Shaft!
Yes! Yes! Oh, cool! Oh, look how
much fun I had! Whoa! Heheheheh. Ah!
Heheh. Whoa! Heh, heheh. Woooo, Adventure
Island! Check it out! Awesome! Yoohoo!
Yeh-hehess! Yehess! I'm so happy!
I'm so happy!
[Stan's house. Kyle enters carrying a padded seat ring]
Oh, hey dude. Terrance & Phillip is
just about to start.
It's my seat ring. I have to sit on
it because of my hemorrhoid. Ow.
Heh, heh. Sorry.
So, how are things going at Cartman's
Dude, just forget about it. We can't
let him get to us, or he wins.
Hunh, I guess you're right.
Hey, everybody! Check out the all new
Cartmanland! It's our Graaand Opening!
Cartmanland has over a hundred fabulous
rides , six roller coasters , and tons
of great surprises! And the best part
is: You can't come!! That's right,
because at Cartmanland, only I, Eric
Cartman, can get in! That means only
I can ride the all-new Tornado Twister
, a roller coaster that splashes in
the water! Wow! It's the greatest amusement
park in the Colorado area! And nobody
can go!! Especially Stan and Kyle!!
HAHA!! So come on down to Cartmanland
now! But don't plan on getting past
the parking lot, 'cause remember:
So much to do at Cartmanland, but you
can't come! Especially you, Stan and
That does it, dude!
Where are we going?
We're getting into that fatass's park
whether he likes it or not!
[Cartmanland, Haunted Mansion, night. Cartman is back on the
Whoa! Heheh. Whoa! Whoa! Heheheheheh.
Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one
part, with the-uum, with the spider
that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally
got me. That was sweet! Heheh.
Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! Owie-ow! Help!
Ow, that hurts!
What the hell?
You sons of bitches!
[Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for
Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence.
The view is from the park towards the parking lot.]
Come on, dude!
Hoh Gohod, I popped it!! Oh hit huhurts!!
What the hell are you doing?!
Oho God, get me off of here!!
Stahan, I have to go home!! I need
my cream!! I need my creeheam!!
Alright, let's go.
That's right! You stay out!
You can't keep us out forever, you fucking
fastass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's
hemorrhoid is better!
My life can't get any worse!
You'll see! We'll get in!
...Alright, so listen: All I want you
to do is keep anybody out who tries
to get in here. If you see anybody on
my propertih, especially Stan and Kyle,
you are to shoot on sight!
So what does does this job pay?
Alright, now this is very hard for me
to do, you understand. But, in return
for you working security, I'll let you
ride two rides a day. But only two rides,
and only if I'm not on them.
Uh, I'm afraid I don't really like rides.
But, you can ride anything you want.
And you don't have to wait in line.
I'm not interested.
Dude, are you from Mars or something?
Any ride you want. No lines.
If you need security, I need a cash
But I don't have any cash. I spent everything
on this park.
Well, look: Why don't you just let a
couple of people in each day? Every
day you can just let two people in,
charge $29.95 per ticket, and then you
can use that to pay my daily salary.
Ugh. Two people?
This place is huge. You'll never notice
two people. And then you'll have security
for your park.
Well, all alright, Goddamnit! I'll open
the park to two people each day! But
remember: anybody else you see trespassing
I will shoot on sight.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kyle is on a gurney face down. A
doctor stands behind him as his parents look on]
You're a very lucky little boy. I've
never seen a hemorrhoid so infected.
It could have killed you.
Oh, look, Kyle. Your little friend Stan
is here to see you.
Dude, are you okay?
Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid
trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland,
and it got infected. I really need to
go to the bathroom, but if I do, it
will pop again and the pain will make
me pass out. How are you?
Well um, ah-I found out that Cartman
is letting a few people each day into
his theme park. I wa thinking we could
put on disguises and get in.
Ah-ah-ah-I'm afraid Kyle can't ride
any amusement park rides for over a
year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.
But it's okay, Stan, because I finally
figured it out. You see, if someone
like Cartman can get a million dollars
and his own theme park, then there is
no God. There's no God, dude.
Kyle, don't say such things!
Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do something
bad will happen to me? Because if I
do your God might not shower me with
his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?
Kyle, youyouyou just don't understand.
No! I finally do understand! There is
no justice! There is no God!. Do you
hear me?! I renounce my faith!!
[Cartmanland, day. Barbed wire has been placed atop every fence
imaginable. A crowd of people shows up. Among the people are
Butters, Clyde, Jordan, Bebe...]
Alrightalright, listen up, people.
Cartmanland is open, but only to two
people each day.
I just gotta cover my security expenses.
Butters, Clyde, you can come in.
The rest of you will just have to try
'K, one park admission? That will be
twenty-nine ninety five, sir. Five
cents is your change and enjoy your
stay at Cartmanland.
Hoh boy, oh boy!
...and enjoy your stay at Cartmanland.
Ogh, finally, work is over. Now I can
get back to riding my rides. Dada da,
I've got my own theme park. Hm, what
should I go on now? I know! I'll go
on the Haunted Mansion ride again!
Da dait daa da Da dat dadadadadadaa
da-ah- What are you doing?
We're waitin' in line for the-ah spook
Line? Lines! I HATE LINES!!! Can't you
go on something else right now?
Well we wanna see the spook house. Uh
well, we paid twenty-nine ninety five;
we should be able to go in the spook
Yeah! But I think it's broke down. The
cars aren't moving.
Ugh, alrightalright, hang on. Security!
Oh, Jesus! Uh, look, the haunted house
ride broke down. I need you to fix it.
Uh, I'm security, not maintenance.
But I don't know how it works.
Well your rides are gonna break down
every now and then. You need to hire
a maintenance person.
Ogh, alrightalright! I'll let two more
people in each day so I can hire a maintenance
[Cartmanland, another day. A crowd of people shows up. Among
the people are Bebe, Token, Timmy, Kenny, Filmore...]
Alright folks, we've had another change
in policy. I've had to hire a maintenance
person, and to pay his salary I have
to let in two more people a day. However,
the stupid maintenance worker demanded
I have food and drinks inside the park,
so now I've had to hire a beverage person,
and a cotton-candy person, which means
I now have to let eight people come
in a day! BUT, you are to try your best
not to ride any rides that I am on!
Understood? Alright, let's go.
Wait a minute! Who are you?
HA! Get the hell out of here, Stan!
Goddamnit Cartman, let me in!
I thought you said buying a theme park
was stupid! SECURITY!
It is stupid, Cartman! You made Kyle
lose his faith in God, you fat asshole!
Get him out of here!
Move along, sir.
AAAH! This isn't over, Cartman!
Eugh. Well, now I can finally get back
to my riding my rides! Uh oh! Oh man,
I'm so scared! AAAAaaaa....
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. A nurse works on Kyle's hemorrhoid
Just a little more There we go.
Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today?
Kyle, we wanna tell you about the book
of Job. It's a story from the Bible.
I've had enough of the Bible. What has
it gotten me?
Oh, I think you'll see differently after
hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. Uh, okay.
You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan
a long long time ago. Job was a great
man. He was blessed with ten lovely
children , a wonderful wife, and many
He was godly, and a good man, and fed
He was the most upright and honorable
of men, and every day he praised God.
But one day, Satan went up to heaven
and talked to God.
Satan talked to God?
Yes, in the book of Job, Satan talks
to God. And God says to Satan, "Have
you seen Job? He is a great man, and
he praises me every day."
But Satan said, "Oh yeah? He only praises
you because you gave him so much. If
you didn't give him those things, he
would curse your name."
To which God said, "Oh yeah? I'll show
you, Satan! I'll take those things away
from Job and he will still praise my
And so, God had a bunch of barbarians
come in and slaughter Job's oxen and
donkeys, and murder all his workers.
Then God sent his fireballs from the
sky and killed his sheep and the rest
of his employees.
And then, as Job's sons and daughters
were eating, God sent a mighty wind
to collapse the house and crush and
kill them all.
Job was terribly sad, but he fell to
his knees and said, "The Lord giveth,
and the Lord taketh away," and praised
So then, Job got painful sores all over
He was in terrible, miserable pain all
day, every day. But he still kept his
God said to Sata, "See? I told you.
Job still praises me."
And that's it? That's the end?
That's the most horrible story I've
ever heard. Why would God do such a
horrible thing to a good person just
to prove a point to Satan?
Oh. Uhhh, I don't know.
Then I was right. Job has all his children
killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep
making movies. There isn't a God.
[Cartmanland, day. Yet another crowd of people awaits to get
in. Cartman greets them]
...And, since the stupid security guard
needs video surveillance, I have to
let in two more people a day to cover
those expenses... Need to cover the
new ticket guy's salary, so that's three
more admissions a day... Cleanup crew
for the bathroom, money to cover paint
and upkeep - so that's about four admissions
- that brings the grand total to...
God-damnit! Eight hundred and sixteen
people can come into the park today!
Welcome to Cartmanland.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's
recovery progress and is now talking to the parents]
Isn't he getting any better, doctor?
I don't understand it. He's not fighting
the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's
like he... like he's lost all hope.
Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more
tests to run.
And now back to Money Quest, on HBC.
Welcome back to Money Quest. In just
over two weeks, young financial genius
Eric Cartman has managed to turn a
theme park that was seeing less than
a hundred attendees a day into a thriving
park with attendance in the thousands.
And the way he did it is with the brilliant
"You Can't Come" technique. For the
first several days, the young businessman
saturated the market with the claim
that nobody could get into his park.
It made the public crazy. So then, weeks
later, when he opened the doors, they
were lining up around the block. Simply
Well, ahah I thnk we should point out
that this technique is already being
applied by businesses all over the country.
[At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone
is waiting in line...]
I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations.
Nobody can eat here. You'll have to
[At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....]
No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie.
Nobody can see this movie. I can't even
[At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]
Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's
anymore! Get out of here!
[Back to Money Quest...]
Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the
financial genius of our time.
[Back to Kyle's room at Hell's Pass Hospital...]
Kyle? Kyle? Get the doctor!
[Cartmanland, day. Every ride has people on it, and every ride
Cartman is on shows a dejected Cartman as the others enjoy themselves.
At the Carousel he rides his favorite white horse, but shows
no joy in riding it. At Java Jam!!! he's in a purple teacup with
three other kids, and is not enjoying it. At Bumbper Buggies
he's in the #7 bumper car]
Eh! Goddamnit, stop running into me!
[Cartmanland, Main Street. The crowds bustle about and business
is good. Chris the Broker and Mr. Foon are seen walking down
My God, look at it, Chris! That kid
completely turned this place around!
He sure did!
Oh, if I could only have a park that
worked like this!
Hey, there you are!
Oh, hello. Congratulations on your success.
Just give me my money back.
I changed my mind! I don't want your
...But it's doing great!
You call this great?! I call it Hell!
Trade me back, Goddamnit!
You bet! I'll go get your money right
Daddy, daddy, can we ride the rockets?
GODDAMNIT GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has brought Kyle's vitals
back, and Kyle is on oxygen, but he's still unconscious. Gerald
and Sheila look on]
Isn't he responding at all, doctor?
I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing
the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid
has spread to his lungs. Normally, the
body would fight the infection, but
he's... he's just... given up on life.
But then... are you saying...?
There's nothing I can do. Little fella's
just... lost his will to live.
Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight!
[Cartmanland... ahem, North Park Funland, day. The old North
Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides
Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer
sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs
removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally
paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer]
Good riddance, you stupid park! You
can all kiss my ass!
Excuse me? Eric Cartman?
I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You
haven't kept records of your income
or payout, and there's a five hundred
thousand dollar discrepancy. Seize
He- Hey, that's my money!
There's also the lawsuit of the little
boy who died in your park. The family's
entitled to the rest of this.
What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time!
You still owe thirteen thousand dollars
more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see
you in court.
Yeh- You can't take my money, Goddamnit!
We know how well your park is doing;
you'll make it back in no time.
No! But I don't... ah... ah... Hey!
Hey Mr. Foon, I changed my mind. I need
the park to make my money back.
Nohoho way, Josť!
But I'm getting sued now. If I don't
have the park I lose everything!
"I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from
This can't be happening! AAAAAHH!!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room]
Kyle, you gotta see!!
Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley.
Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here
on his bed with the machines attached?
Well, I sssuppsed it could be rigged,
Then damnit man, do it!
[North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business
is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off
to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls]
It isn't fair! You Goddamned assholes,
it isn't fair!
Look, Kyle. Look.
You just build me up to chop me down,
didn't you?! What about my dream?! What
about my money?!
I'M SO PISSED OFF!
Move along, sir! You are vandalizing
Ey! You used to work for me! Ut ut
aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you sonfofabitch!
He's coming back.
That's it, baby. That's it.
Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks!
Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is
going into remission!
Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable.
Even more miserable than he was before
because he's had his dream and lost
It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna
die! I wanna daaahahie!
You are up there!