"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 209
"CHEF'S CHOCOLATE SALTY BALLS"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & Nancy Pimental
SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL
[A small Western town. Bustling sounds are heard as the camera
slowly pans down. A crowd streams by in the background behind
a sports car and limo, and front and center are Robert Redford
and a woman]
ROBERT REDFORD
Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival
here, Phyllis? It's so painfully crowded.
PHYLLIS
Because. People from L.A. love to come
to a quaint little mountain town for
a few days, and this gives them an excuse.
ROBERT REDFORD
No, this used to be a quaint little
mountain town. Now look at it. Sushi
restaurants, upscale clothes stores,
$25 parking, Liam Neeson… I tell you,
Phyllis, I think we've tapped this town's
resource out. We must move this festival
to another small mountain town and begin
again.
PHYLLIS
That's not a bad idea. But where?
[South Park. Winter is indeed back. A man hums as he arrives
at the town flag pole with a purple flag and runs it up to the
top. It unfurls, revealing]
1ST ANNUAL
SOUTH PARK
FILM FESTIVAL
[a crowd instantly pours in and mills about]
MAN IN BACKGROUND
Ching ching cha-ching.
MAN IN FOREGROUND
Whoa.
[South Park Elementary]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children. I have some very exciting
news for you… Oo-why don't you tell
them, Mr. Twig?
MR. TWIG
That's right, Mr. Garrison. The First
Annual South Park Film Festival begins
today.
WENDY
Wow! Cool!
KYLE
They're not gonna show that stupid-ass
Godzilla movie again, are they?
MR. GARRISON
Nono, Kyle. These are independent films.
STAN
Hoohh, like Independence Day? That sucked
ass, too.
CARTMAN
No, dude, independent films are those
black and white hippie movies. They're
always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
WENDY
No they're not! Independent films are
produced outside the Hollywood system.
They're movies about all the glitz and
glamour of Hollywood.
CARTMAN
Byeh, sure. Well, you show me one independent
film that isn't about gay cowboys eating
pudding!
WENDY
Once again, you have no idea what you're
talking about, fatass!
CARTMAN
I'm not fat! I just haven't grown into
my body yet, skinny bitch!
WENDY
Hrmph!
MR. GARRISON
Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch one
more time, I'm sending you to the principal's
office!
CARTMAN
…bitch.
MR. GARRISON
That's it Eric, you-!
CARTMAN
I'm going!
MR. GARRISON
Anyway, children, I want you all to
see at least one independent film at
the festival and then write a paper
about it. The first film showing is
called Witness To Denial, and it's a
sexual exploration piece about two women
in love.
STAN
Oh, my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those
movies in his dresser drawer.
1ST ANNUAL SOUTH PARK FILM FESTIVAL
[there's certainly a lot of people now. Two of them are talking
to their people back home.]
DIRECTOR 1
Norma, I want to shoot the script next
month with Demi Moore instead.
DIRECTOR 2
Well you can tell Spielberg he can
kiss my ass!
MAYOR
Wow, look at this, Johnson. Traffic
jams at every intersection, hordes of
people pushing their way through the
crowd. It's almost like we're a real
city.
[After school and the kids are out in the town]
CARTMAN
I can't believe I got sent to the principal's
office because of your stupid girlfriend!
STAN
She's not my girlfriend.
KENNY
(Yeah, that's because you vomit on her
all the time.)
KYLE
Sick, Kenny.
STAN
Damn, dude. Look at all these people.
DIRECTOR 3
I'm late for a screening, I'll call
you from the theater.
KYLE
All this for a bunch of stupid movies?
[They come upon a stand that says]
CHEF'S
SOUL FOOD
CHEF
Hello there, children!
THE BOYS
Hey, Chef.
STAN
Whatcha doin'?
CHEF
Children, this whoole film festival
thing has quite lucrative monetary possibilities.
Now I'm gonna sell some of my famous
cookies, to these Hollywood types, and
make a mint!
CARTMAN
What kind of cookies?
STAN
Calm down, tubby.
CHEF
They're little cookies, with fudge in
the middle. And I call them, "Fudge
'Ems"
CARTMAN
I wanna Fudge 'Em.
CHEF
I can just see the commercial now. "Wife
got you down? Boss makin' you angry?
Kids yellin' atcha? Well, Fudge 'Ems."
KYLE
Cool!
CHEF
And I've also got my double chocolate
cookies, "Fudge This."
DIRECTOR 3
Oh look, one of the natives is selling
local food wares. How quaint.
WOMAN
This is why I come to these things,
to get away from L.A. and become one
with the more simple culture.
CHEF
Well, perhaps you'd like to try my low-calorie
cookies, "Go Fudge Yourself," or my
all-natural, "I Don't Really Give A
Flying Fudge."
WOMAN
Ooh, do you have any tofu or steamed
celery?
CHEF
Huh?
DIRECTOR 3
I would kill for some cous cous right
now.
CHEF
Whose goose?
WOMAN
Uuuuh, never mind. We brought some food
from the Natural Market in L.A.
DIRECTOR 3
Cute sign, though.
WENDY
Stan, I have two tickets for the opening
film of the festival. Would you like
to come with me?
CARTMAN
Stan, nunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh
tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh hunh.
Tunh tunh tunh tunh tinh teenh?
STAN
Shut up, Cartman! Sure, dude. I mean,
since we have to write a paper on a
film anyway.
CARTMAN
She'll be the death of him, Kyle. Mark
my words: she'll be the death of him.
KYLE
If she holds his hand in that theater
it'll be all over.
CHEF
Get 'em while they're hot! My all new
cookies! "I Just Went And Fudged Your
Momma!"
CARTMAN
Jesus, he sure ran that one into the
ground.
[AT THE BIJOU, SOUTH PARK'S MOVIE THEATER. NOW PLAYING
Witness To Denial]
STAN
When's this thing start? I hope there
are some good previews.
WENDY
Stan, film festival movies usually don't
have previews before them.
STAN
They what?!
[the projectionist starts the film]
WITNESS
TO
DENIAL
A
SEXUAL EXPLORATION
PIECE
BY
CANDICE BUTCH
[SCORE ON FOR CARTMAN
this is a black and white film]
CANDICE
Who are you to judge my womanly soul?
The Goddess flames that burn in my
memory aren't dark. Dare you call them
dark! Here lies the Goddess truth of
my body.
STAN
Oh, brother.
CANDICE
The Goddess that cries, "Freedom!"
Here is the Goddess truth of my womanly
being You are my blossom, my flame.
When we make love, it's like the sun
is right outside the door.
HER BLOSSOM
Then make love to me, right now.
STAN
Dude!
WENDY
Sshh!
STAN
Dude!
[Kyle's house. He's in the restroom crapping away]
KYLE
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way-
KYLE'S MOTHER
Bubbeleh you need to get to bed! It's
late!
KYLE
I'm poopies, ma!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well, hurry up!
KYLE
Gone are the dark clouds that had me-
MR. HANKEY
Ky-yle! Ky-yle!
KYLE
Could it be?
MR. HANKEY
Hooowwwdy ho!
KYLE
Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey, is that you?
Hello?
[Day two of the South Park Film Festival]
TOM
I'm here live in South Park, Colorado,
where citizens from Los Angeles are
arriving in droves for the town's first
annual film festival. This is just a
small quiet mountain community where
nothing out of the ordinary ever really
happens, except for the occasional
complete destruction of the entire town
and so the excitement level is naturally
very high. Right now, the townspeople
are anxiously awaiting the arrival of
some of Hollywood's top celebrities.
KYLE
It was him, dude. I told you, it was
Mr. Hankey!
CARTMAN
Wait, I thought Mr. Hankey only came
at Christmastime.
KYLE
Well, I'm sure it was him.
MAN
Look, look! Here comes somebody!
A WOMAN
Move aside, I can't see.
TOM
Ladies and gentlemen, TV's Fred Savage.
CROWD
AAWWWW!
TOM
Well, I'm sure a real person will show
up soon.
KYLE
So how was that movie last night, dude?
STAN
Aw, dude, you don't even wanna know!
CARTMAN
It had a bunch of gay cowboys eating
pudding, huh?
STAN
Yeah, pretty much.
CARTMAN
Yes!
STAN
The theater sucks, though. They need
to get a bigger screen.
KYLE
Maybe they should project the movies
on Cartman's ass.
CARTMAN
Ay!
STAN
Dude, now that'd be like IMAX.
CARTMAN
Okay, that's enough fatass jokes for
this week.
KENNY
(Cartman's ass is so fuckin' huge that
they could probably show six stupid
films on it and still have some room,
heheheheheh)
CARTMAN
Okay, that does it. Screw you guys,
I'm going home.
KYLE
Well?
CARTMAN
I'm gonna, just give me a minute.
ROBERT REDFORD
This is perfect. Why didn't we think
of it sooner? This town still has some
charm left, not the mess we turned Park
City into.
PHYLLIS
Forgive me for being observant, but,
won't we just end up doing the same
thing to this town?
ROBERT REDFORD
Yes. And the town after, and the town
after that. Like termites, we will move
this film festival from town to town
until we have used it up. And then move
on, until every quiet mountain town
is like Los Angeles.
PHYLLIS
Why? Why would we do such a thing?
ROBERT REDFORD
Because we have to live in L.A. And
if we can't live in quiet, simple, peaceful
mountain towns, then nobody will! Waitwaitwait.
Zoom in to a close-up of my face when
I do that. Ready? Then NOBODY will!
That's it.
[The kids pass by Chef's booth. Cartman is still with them. Now
the booth says]
CHEF'S
SALTY BALLS
CHEF
Children! I'm glad you're here! I want
you to check out my new confectionaries.
I think they're going to sell right
through the roof! I call them, "Chef's
Salty Chocolate Balls."
STAN
Are they good?
CHEF
Try 'em.
STAN
Hey, dude, these are good!
CARTMAN
Yeah, I love these Salty Chocolate Balls,
Chef.
MR. HANKEY
Ky-yle!
KYLE
There it is again!
STAN
There is what again?
MR. HANKEY
Ky-yle!
KYLE
It's Mr. Hankey! I think he's in some
kind of trouble.
STAN
Dude, how do you tell if a piece of
poo is in trouble?
KYLE
Where does that grill go?
STAN
To the sewer, dude.
KYLE
Of course, the sewer! That must be where
he is. Come on! Come on!
CHEF
Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty
and brown
If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your
mouth
Ooooo, suck on my cho-colate salty balls put 'em in your mouth
Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em…
[The boys are now in the sewer with flashlights in hand. A rat
clambors up a pipe and out of view. Spiderwebs are everywhere]
CARTMAN
Aw, man, smells like ass down here.
KYLE
Of course it smells like ass, retard.
It's a sewer!
STAN
What was that?
CARTMAN
Aw, man, let's get out of here!
KYLE
We can't, dude. Not until we find Mr.
Hankey.
THE BOYS
Aaaaah!
KENNY
(Wait!)
KYLE
What the hell?
STAN
Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON
Oh uub- hello, children.
CARTMAN
What are you doing down in the sewer
with a bunch of snorkel stuff on?
MR. GARRISON
Oh I- I was just-uh hangin' out.
KYLE
In a sewer?
MR. GARRISON
Children, do you know how to file a
police report?
THE BOYS
No.
MR. GARRISON
Good. See you in school.
CARTMAN
This is ridiculous! What the hell are
we, the Goonies?
KYLE
Yeah, we're the Goonies, Cartman. Why
don't you pretend like you're the fat
kid?
CARTMAN
Okay, that does it. Screw you guys,
I'm home.
MR. HANKEY
Hooowwwdy ho!
KYLE
Mr. Hankey!
MR. HANKEY
Howdy-ho, boys.
KYLE
I told you guys he'd be here!
MR. HANKEY
Gosh, look at yuh. You're all growin'
up sho fasht.
CARTMAN
Hi, Mr. Hankey. Nice to see yuh.
MR. HANKEY
Have you all been brushing behind your
teeth?
THE BOYS
Yes.
MR. HANKEY
And usin' dental floss?
THE BOYS
Yes.
MR. HANKEY
And washin' behind your ears?
THE BOYS
Yes.
CARTMAN
No.
KYLE
What's the matter, Mr. Hankey? Are you
sick?
MR. HANKEY
Oh, I just got a little cold is all.
All these new people in South Park are
stressful unto my home.
STAN
What do you mean?
MR. HANKEY
Well, you see, boys, the sewer is a
fragile ecosystem.
CARTMAN
Oh my God.
MR. HANKEY
These new folks in town eat nothin'
but cous cous, tofu, and raw vegetables,
and it's destroying my environment.
KYLE
And that's why you got a cold?
MR. HANKEY
That's why, Kyle. That's why.
STAN
Well, why don't you just ask them to
leave?
MR. HANKEY
There's only one time of year I can
come to the surface, and that's Christmastime.
That's why I need you boys to go for
me.
KYLE
Don't worry, Mr. Hankey. We'll go tell
everyone. Come on, guys.
MR. HANKEY
Don't forget to change your sheets once
a week!
[BACK AT THE FESTIVAL… PLAYING AT THE BIJOU
"A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding."
Score another one for Cartman. Inside,
the festival host stands before the
movie audience]
HOST
So without further ado we will begin
this amazing film. It's a work of blood,
sweat, and tears.
KYLE
Wait! Stop! Could I have your attention,
please?
DIRECTOR 4
Is that Leonardo Di Caprio?
KYLE
Aaahh!
DIRECTOR 4
Ohuh no, wait, that's not him.
KYLE
Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend,
Mr. Hankey, is getting sick because
South Park has become overcrowded with
people who eat health food.
FEMALE DIRECTOR
Excuse me, little boy, what's a "Mr.
Hankey"?
KYLE
He's a talking piece of poo that lives
in the sewer. But now he's getting sick
because his -egosystem is all out of
whack because of all the extra poo in
the sewer. If you don't all leave and
go home soon, Mr. Hankey's gonna die.
He's one of my best friends in the whole
wide worldeh, and I don't want him to
die.
DIRECTOR 3
What a great story-it has everything!
FEMALE DIRECTOR
This could be the next Free Willy.
DIRECTOR 5
Great pic, son. How much do you want
for it?
KYLE
Huh??
DIRECTOR 6
Does it-uh have to be a talking piece
of poo?
DIRECTOR 7
It could be a crime-fighting rabbit.
Or a lovable turtle.
DIRECTOR 4
This could be a great summer movie.
FEMALE DIRECTOR 2
Can we put a mon-key in it?
DIRECTOR 8
"The Mr. Hankey Stor-" uh is Harrison
Ford available for a fall pic?
DIRECTOR 9
Keanu Reeves.
DIRECTOR 10
Matt Damon!
FRED SAVAGE
Fred Savage!
DIRECTOR 7
I'd pay a million for this story!
DIRECTOR 10
I'll pay two.
KYLE
Dude, no one even listened to me.
STAN
Well um, it does sound like a pretty
sweet movie.
DIRECTOR 3
Mmuh I take it you're part owner of
this whole Mr. Hooey story, right?
CARTMAN
Huh? Uhuh, yeah, I guess.
DIRECTOR 3
I want you to do a big-money deal with
me.
CARTMAN
All of us?
DIRECTOR 3
Mm-we-hell, I can see that you're the
real brains of the group. You don't
really need those guys, do you?
CARTMAN
Ye-ah, screw those guys. I don't even
like them.
DIRECTOR 3
Hm-that's great, kid. Let's make a deal.
[In front of the library. Robert Redford and Phyllis have something
to announce. Of course, the Mayor and her aides are there]
ROBERT
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank
you all for making the First Annual
South Park Film Festival a success.
We've barely even started and already
the festival has seen more attendance
than last year's Sundance festival.
SOMEONE IN THE CROWD
Fantastic!
ROBERT
And I'm very pleased to announce that
in honor of the South Park people who
have welcomed us, we are going to build
a Hollywood Planet restaurant, right
here where this library used to stand.
CROWD
Ooohhh!
AIDE 2
Can they do that?
MAYOR
They're Hollywood! They can do anything!
[Kyle is in the sewer all alone, looking to tell Mr. Hankey the
bad news. An organ is heard]
KYLE
Mr. Hankey! Mr. Hankey?! Mr. Hankey?
MR. HANKEY
Oh, Kyle. Howdy-ho. Well, how did
it go? Is everyone gonna stop poopin'
in my environment?
KYLE
They didn't believe me. They thought
I was pitching a movie.
MR. HANKEY
Oh. I, I see. Welluh shucks, Kyle,
I can't thank you enough for tryin'
KYLE
We only have one option. I've gotta
take you to the surface.
MR. HANKEY
Aw I can't. The sun'll dry me out.
KYLE
It's the only way to prove to them that
you're real.
MR. HANKEY
But I won't last long up above.
KYLE
Well, you're not gonna last down here
either, Mr. Hankey. Now, come on! I'm
not gonna let you die!
MR. HANKEY
All right, just let me get my toothbrush.
[The Bijou. Wendy and Stan are heading for the ticket booth]
WENDY
Come on, Stan, we're gonna be late for
the screening!
STAN
Jeez, they made that into a movie already?
[Inside, they sit in the first row, middle two seats]
TOM HANKS
Mr. Hankey, I can't go on anymore.
I've lost the fight.
MR. HANKEY
No, I'm not leaving without you. We
started this together, we're gonna finish
it together.
TOM HANKS
I always thought death was something
glorious, but now I know that it's not.
DIRECTOR 3
It's going over really well. People
are gonna be knocking my door down to
get you.
CARTMAN
Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this?!
Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a
nutsack!
TOM HANKS
I'll always love you, Mr. Hankey.
CARTMAN
I'll momaymumyeu, Meemuhmammy.
[Kenny waits outside for Stan and Wendy, so he's passing the
time with a yo-yo. The doors open and the patrons flood out,
crushing Kenny]
MAN 1
Oh my God, I found a penny!
MAN 2
You bastard!
[The street. A manhole cover pops up and Kyle comes out with
Mr. Hankey.]
KYLE
Mph. Okay, Mr. Hankey. We're out. How
are you doin'?
MR. HANKEY
It sure is -dry up here.
KYLE
Don't worry. We'll do this quick, okay?
Just hang on, Mr. Hankey, just hang
on!
[Construction is under way at the]
MAYOR
Excuse me, Mr. Film Commissioner, could
I have a word with you?
ROBERT
Make it quick.
MAYOR
Well, the people of my town are a little
upset. I don't think we realized what
an impact this festival would have on
our town.
ROBERT
Uh-huh.
MAYOR
Right. So, we were actually wondering
if we could call this whole thing off?
ROBERT
We have contracts. You try to pull
out now, we'll sue your little town
for every penny it's got. But thanks
so much for the hard work.
CARTMAN
Eh but, but this doesn't make sense
to me, Marty! Okay, you told me the
movie made a lot of money!
MARTY
Mmp right. Two million, minus your agent's
fee, minus your lawyer's fee, minus
my fee, and the publicity and taxes
taken out, you get three dollare! That's
more than most people in your position
make, trust me!
STAN
Serves you right, Cartman! You're a
sellout!
CARTMAN
I'm not a sellout! What's a sellout?
STAN
If you work in the entertainment business
and you make money, you're a sellout!
CHEF
It's all gone to hell, children. And
we're all to blame. Even me! I was
sellin' out my town, too! And now look
at it.
STAN
So what do we do now?
CHEF
There's nothin' we can do. Just sit
here and suck on my balls.
KYLE
You guys, we have to hurry!
STAN
Why?
KYLE
Come on! Everything's gonna be okay!
Sir! Sir!
ROBERT
Not now!
KYLE
I have to show you something. I think
it will change the way you feel about
your impact here.
A DIRECTOR
What's this?
KYLE
I want you guys to all meet my friend.
ROBERT
That's great, kid. A dried-out lump
of shit; very compelling. Okay, folks,
let's move! We've gotta have that sign
down in time for the opening tonight!
KYLE
You can't die, Mr. Hankey. You can't.
MR. HANKEY
Kyle. Be-fore I go there's something
I must tell you. Come clo-ser. Clo-ser.
KYLE
Well-. Huwhat is it, Mr. Hankey?
MR. HANKEY
There is a-nother Sky-walk-er.
KYLE
Nooohohohohohoho-
MR. HANKEY
Wake up.
KYLE
What is it, Mr. Hankey?
MR. HANKEY
Come clo-ser.
KYLE
What is it?
MR. HANKEY
Clo-ser.
KYLE
Yes?
MR. HANKEY
Closer! One time, when you were sleeping,
I put myself in your mouth and had my
friend take a picture.
KYLE
Nooo!
VOICE OVER
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. He loves me, I love you.
Therefore vicariously he loves you-
KYLE
Nooo!
HAZMAT OFFICIAL
I'm sorry, son. Let's get him to ICU.
KYLE
Noo! No!
STAN
Are you gonna be okay, dude? I'm here
for you.
WENDY
Hi, Stan. Ready to go see another movie?
STAN
Okay!
KYLE
Uuf.
[NOW SHOWING
"BOW DOWN TO HOLLYWOOD, SOUTH PARK"
A Film by TOM M. POONER. But inside,
it's "A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating
Pudding", in color. Stan reaches for
Wendy's hand. She notices, then looks
at him. He pulls his hand back and looks
at the screen.]
COWBOY
Say, Tom. Do you have any pudding left?
TOM
I ate all mine up, silly.
COWBOY
Well then, now what do we do?
MAN
AAWWWW!
WENDY
Eeewww!
MAN
Hey!
STAN
Sorry.
COWBOY
Well, why don't we just explore our
sexuality?
TOM
Ooh, good idea. Let's.
STAN
Aw, dude, I shouldn't be seeing this!
Blaach!
MAN
Aaww! Is there a problem, young man?
STAN
No problem, dude.
[Hell's Pass Hospital. Chef and Kyle are at the ICU. The window
above Mr. Hankey's bed is sealed so no sunlight gets in. The
whole room is sealed in. Mr. Hankey has several wires streaming
into him]
KYLE
Ihull never forget you. You were my
best friend after Stan.
CHEF
Come on, Kyle. It's time to go.
KYLE
Chef, does poo go to heaven?
CHEF
Well, uh-I kinda hope not. I mean,
sure it does. Here. I'll give him one
of my Salty Balls to take with him to
poo heaven. Come on, let's go.
MR. HANKEY
Kyle.
KYLE
Mr. Hankey?
MR. HANKEY
Howdy-ho.
KYLE
He's back! He's back!
MR. HANKEY
That was delicious.
CHEF
My Salty Chocolate Balls must have re-juvenated
him!
KYLE
You've got the best balls in the whole
world, Chef.
CHEF
You're daaamn right.
GRAND OPENING
[Hollywood Planet is finished and waiting for its unveiling.
But first, Cartman's booth]
CARTMAN
Step on up, get them here! Mr. Hankey
& Me T-shirts! Get them while they last,
folks. for only $14.95!
WOMAN
I'll take two.
MAN
I'd like to pay for one.
CARTMAN
Selling T-shirts kicks ass!
[The film commissioner is at the podium]
ROBERT
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to
announce on this Gala Opening of Hollywood
Planet South Park, that the festival
will be back next year! And the year
after that, and the year after that,
and so on! And now, release the curtain!
I give you, "Hollywood in South Park!"
KYLE
Wait! I brought him! I brought him
to show you!
ROBERT
Oh, not this again!
KYLE
Behold! Mr. Hankey!
MR. HANKEY
Hoooooowwwdy-ho!
ROBERT
Anyway, this new Hollywood Planet will
be the official meeting place for all-
MR. HANKEY
Howdy-ho, folks. I'm afraid my buddy
Kyle was right. There's not enough room
in South Park to accomodate a festival.
SHORT MAN
Mr. Poo, if you wouldn't mind, we can't
hear our chairman. If you could just
turn yourself down. You're at about
7 right now, we need you at about, 3,
okay?
MR. HANKEY
Uh, folks, please. Little towns like
this simply aren't made for friggin'
films. We love havin' visitors, but
golly, too many of you is hurtin' our
ecosystem. Be-sides, folks, film festivals
shouldn't be about what celebritites
are comin' or what film is gonna get
sold. It should be about people gettin'
together, and watchin' movies, and about
people who could never get their movies
seen havin' a chance to have it watched,
if only once. A good film festival should
be something where we all say, "Gaw,
let's forget about lawyers and managers
and studios and celebrities. Let's forget
all those things for just a while, and
just watch some new art."
ROBERT
I have had enough of you!
MR. HANKEY
Nyyaarrrr!
KYLE
No!
ROBERT
Now, as I was saying, this shall usher
in a whole new decade of film festivals.
KYLE
O-hoho he's dead. Mr. Hankey's dead.
CHEF
Well, it worked once before.
MR. HANKEY
Hi, Chef. Your big chocolate balls
are just the trick!
STAN
What the hell is he doing?
KYLE
I don't know.
[Mr. Hankey hops up to Hollywood Planet and jumps onto the top
of the globe. He is now fully dressed as a sorcerer's apprentice
(!) and does his magic. At the wave of his hands clouds gather
and poo jumps out of manholes and grills throughout the town]
CARTMAN
Whoa!
[the film commissioner is awed. Mr. Hankey continues wielding
his power, and three poo men rise up out of the poo that now
covers the street. They start to dance]
AN AGENT
Oh my God!
[Mr. Hankey continues. Poo pours forth from the Porto Potties
nearby and builds into a giant wave]
CROWD MEMBERS
Aaaaahh!
[the poo squelches them and sweeps them away. People clear out
of the Hollywood Planet area. The Film Commissioner and Phyllis
get out as well. Mr. Hankey is brewing something up and releases
it]
MAN
Oh, my God, it's crap!
MAN 2
Ohh! Noo!
MAN 3
Whoa, it smells, it smells!
PHYLLIS
Come on, let's go! It's coming!
ROBERT
I'm trying, damn it!
[Mr. Hankey directs the twister back and forth as it picks up
stuff and people. He then has it engulf Hollywood Planet. The
poo seeps into Robert Redford's car and fills it up]
ROBERT
Aww. Aww. Glup.
MAN
Let's get out of this town!
[Whatever people are left get into their cars and drive out quickly.
Mr. Hankey lets up and relaxes, and the clouds clear away. The
town is covered in poo. So are the townspeople]
MR. HANKEY
Gosh. I guess I don't know my own strength.
KYLE
You did it, Mr. Hankey. You got rid
of all the film people!
TOWNSFOLK
Hooray!
MAYOR
Ooh, yeaah. Now all we have is a town
covered in shit! This is much better!
MR. HANKEY
I couldn't have done it without you,
Kyle. Kisses.
WENDY
Stan, I'm sorry I dragged you to all
those independent films.
STAN
Oh, that's okay Wendy. I forgive you.
WENDY
Somethimes I forget that even though
a few independent films are great, most
of them suck ass.
CARTMAN
Yes. And I've learned something, too.
Being a sellout is sweet. Because you
make a lot of money. And when you have
money, you don't have to hang out with
any poor-ass losers- like you guys.
Screw you guys, I'ma goin' home.
[End of Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls. The song of the same name
plays]
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