"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 214
"CHEF AID"
Written by
Trey Parker & Matt Stone
[South Park Elementary cafeteria, lunchtime. Some of the kids
have their lunches. In line are Jordan, Stan, Kyle, Cartman,
Kenny, the black kid, …]
CARTMAN
Stinky britches, you've got stinky britches
Stinky stinky britches, you've got stinky-
KYLE
What the hell are you singin', Cartman?
CARTMAN
This new song by Alanis Morissette.
I can't get it out of my head. Stinky
britches, you've got stinky britches!
MR. GARRISON
Hello children. Ready for lunch?
CARTMAN
Stinky britches, you've got stinky stinky-!
MR. GARRISON
Eric, is there a problem?
CARTMAN
Yeah, I can't get this stupid song out
of my head!
MR. GARRISON
"Stinky Britches," by Alanis Morissette?
CARTMAN
Yeah. You stinky stinky britches!
MR. GARRISON
Children, did you say 'hi' to Mr. Twig?
MR. TWIG
Hi, boys. How are you?
KYLE
When is Mr. Hat coming back?
MR. GARRISON
I told you never to say his name in
my presence!
STAN
But we hate Mr. Twig. Mr. Twig sucks.
STUDENT
Yeah.
CARTMAN
Stinky britches, you've got stinky
br-
MR. GARRISON
It just so happens that Mr. Twig is
far more stable than Mr. Hat could ever
be! So he's the better puppet!
KYLE
He'd be better used as a coat rack.
MR. GARRISON
How DARE you?! Come on, Mr. Twig!
[The kids enter the kitchen. Jordan left the line, leaving Stan
behind Kevin.]
CHEF
Hello there, children.
ALL FOUR
Hey, Chef.
CARTMAN
You've got stinky britches. Stinky sti-
CHEF
What did you say??
KYLE
He's singin' some new hit song.
CHEF
Eric? Wwhere did you hear that song?
CARTMAN
It's all over the place: on the radio,
MTV, everywhere.
CHEF
Well, I'll be sodomized on Christmas.
KYLE
What, dude??
CHEF
Children, I wrote that song twenty years
ago!
CARTMAN
You wrote it?
CHEF
Yeah! Back when I used to be in the
rock business. And now it looks like
some big record company has published
one of my songs.
KYLE
Wow, then you should get money for it!
CHEF
Aw, I don't want any money. I'd just
like to see my name on the credits,
that's all.
KYLE
Then we should go to the record company.
My dad's a lawyer, dude; he tells me
about this stuff all the time.
CHEF
…Well aalll right. Maybe I will go.
I'll play them my version of the song.
[California. Chef's song is heard]
RECORDING
Stinky britches, you've got those stinky
britches
Stinky britches, you've got- [click]
CHEF
Well, you see, Mr. Big Record Producer,
"Stinky Britches" was something I wrote
several years ago.
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
Hmmm. I really see no resemblance between
that song and "Stinky Britches" by our
artist, Alanis Morissette.
CHEF
Huh??
KYLE
It's the same goddamned song!
CHEF
Now, look. I'm tryin' to be cool about
this! But you just can't rip people's
music off! It's against the law!
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
I am above the law!! Mr. Chef, I'm
afraid you leave me no alternative.
We're going to sue you.
CHEF
Sue me?! You stole one of my songs,
and you are going to sue me?!
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
Yes. I suggest you get a real good lawyer.
We'll have the best in the business.
KYLE
We'll get my dad to be Chef's lawyer!
CARTMAN
Yeah, and he's Jewish!
[Mr. Garrison's house. Some music is heard. Mr. Garrison is watching
MTV, apparently, and he still has a picture of Mr. Hat on his
bookshelf]
ALANIS
Stinky stinky britches, stinky britches
MR. GARRISON
Mr. Twig, is that you? Mi, Mr. Twig?
AAAAA! Mr. Twig! No! Who did this
to you, Mr. Twig?! Who?!
[a courthouse. All parties are present, including a black lawyer
for Mr. Big Record Producer]
KYLE'S FATHER
Now, just let me do all the talking,
Chef. We're going to bring these batards
down!
CHEF
Right.
JUDGE MOSES
This court is now in session. Who is
representing the defense?
KYLE'S FATHER
I am, your honor. Gerald Broflovski.
JUDGE MOSES
And representing the prosecution?
PROSECUTOR
I am, your honor. Johnny Cochran.
SOME OBSERVERS
Ooo.
KYLE'S FATHER
Uh oh.
CHEF
Why 'Oh oh'?
KYLE'S FATHER
Chef, that's Johnny Cochran. Huh, he's
the one that got O.J. off.
CHEF
Oh oh.
[Hell's Pass Hospital]
MR. GARRISON
I need some help over here! Please
help! I think he's got third-degree
burns!
DR. DOCTOR
Give the child to me.
MR. GARRISON
Is he goin' to be all right, doctor?!
DR. DOCTOR
Uuh.
MR. GARRISON
Is he goin' to live?!
DR. DOCTOR
… It's a stick.
MR. GARRISON
Damn it! Don't give me that medical
…jargon, just tell me straight! Is he
goin' to be okay?!
[A TV shows a reporter in front of the courthouse. The boys are
at Cartman's house, watching the report. Cartman is eating Cheesy
Poofs, as usual]
REPORTER
And so, on this fifteenth day of what
is considered to be the most important
trial of the …day, Johnny Cochran has
appeared to defend Capitalist Records.
The question now is, will Cochran use
his famous "Chewbacca" defense?
CARTMAN
What's a Chewbacca defense?
KYLE
I don't know.
STAN
That's what Cochran used in the O.J.
Simpson trial.
CARTMAN
God-damned, I hate that Cochran guy.
If he was here in front of me, I'd be
like, "Ay! You stupid son of a bitch,
you d-. I b-. I'ma I'm gonna kick you
in the nuts!"
KYLE
I'm sure that would scare the hell out
of him, Cartman.
KYLE'S FATHER
And so, in summation, ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, you've heard the version
of my client's song recorded over twenty
years ago. You've heard the EXACT SAME
song produced by these cheats in the
past month . I'd say it's pretty much
an open-and-shut case. Make the right
decision. Thank you. I've got 'em.
JUDGE MOSES
Mr. Johnny Cochran, your closing arguments.
COCHRAN
Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed
jury, Chef's attorney would certainly
want you to believe that his client
wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago.
And they make a good case. Hell, I almost
felt pity myself. But ladies and gentlemen
of this supposed jury, I have one, final,
thing I want you to consider. Ladies
and gentleman, this is Chew-bacca.
Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet
Kashyyyk, but Chewbacca… LIVES …on the
planet Endor. Now think about that.
That does NOT MAKE SENSE.
KYLE'S FATHER
Damn it!
CHEF
What?
KYLE'S FATHER
He's using the Chewbacca defense!
COCHRAN
Why would a Wookie, an eight-foot tall
Wookie, want to live on Endor, with
a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That
does NOT MAKE SENSE! But more important,
you have to ask yourself: What does
this have to do with this case? Nothing.
Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing
to do with this case! It does NOT MAKE
SENSE! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending
a major record company, and I'm talkin'
about Chewbacca! Does that make sense?
Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making
any sense! None of this makes sense!
And so you have to remember, when you're
in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin'
the Emancipation Proclamation, does
it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen
of this supposed jury, it does NOT MAKE
SENSE! If Chewbacca lives on Endor,
you must acquit! The defense rests.
JUDGE MOSES
Oh-kay then.
CARTMAN
Wow, he's good.
REPORTER
In a teary-eyed courtroom, Johnny Cochran
has just finished his closing arguments,
and, as was anticipated, he did use
the Chewbacca defense Whether or not
it worked, is up to the jury to decide.
JUDGE MOSES
How find you, the jury?
JURY FOREMAN
We find the defendant, Jerome "Chef"
McElroy, guilty as charged.
SOME OBSERVERS
Ooo.
KYLE'S FATHER
Woops.
CHEF
Woops?!
JUDGE MOSES
Mr. Chef, you've been found guilty of
harassing a major record label. The
full fee of $2 million will be handed
over within twenty-four hours.
CHEF
Do I look like I have $2 million?
JUDGE MOSES
Well, you have twenty-four hours to
find it, or else you'll have to go to
jail. For eight million years!
BAILIFF
Uh, sir, it's for four years.
JUDGE MOSES
Oh. Sorry. You'll go to jail for four
years.
CHEF
This can't be happening!
STAN
Oh no, dude. Chef's gonna go to jail.
[Chef's house. Everything is being repossessed. He has more than
one sofa. He's leafing through a "Memories" photo album. Mr.
Big Record Producer enters]
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
And that chair, too. I want that chair.
CHEF
Ey, that's my favorite chair!
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
You heard the judge: since you lost
the case, I can seize whatever I want
to pay my legal fees. Yeah, take that
water cooler, too.
STAN
Hello there, Chef.
CHEF
Hey, children.
KYLE
What's goin' on?
CHEF
Children, that record company guy is
takin' all my belongings. And if I don't
come up with $2 million, I'm goin' to
jail.
STAN
Well, don't worry. We came over to cheer
you up.
KYLE
Yeah. Ready, Cartman?
CARTMAN
Ready!
I will do the German daunce for you.
It's fun and gay and tra-la-la
I hope you will enjoy my daunce
Feedly-I feedly-I ay.
"Would you like some sauerkraut
German boy, German boy?"
"Yes I'd like some sauerkraut.
CHEF
Okay okay, childrem, thank you very
much. I feel much better.
STAN
You do?
CHEF
Sure, sure. Just please, stop.
CARTMAN
See? I told you guys it would work.
KYLE
What's that, dude?
CHEF
This? This is my photo album of all
my times in the rock business.
KYLE
Did you ever know any famous people?
CHEF
Did I? Janis Joplin, the Beatles, Elton
John. I got to travel all around the
world, hangin' out with bands, goin'
to lavish parties , lovin' many, many
women .
CARTMAN
What's that?
CHEF
Nothin' . Anyway-
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
Take that, too.
CHEF
Heeyy! That has no monetary value! What
the hell are you takin' that for?
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
I can take whatever I want.
CHEF
Well, I have twenty-four hours to come
up with your money! That's the law!
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
I AM ABOVE THE LAW! I told you not
to mess with me!
CHEF
That does it! You know what I'm gonna
do? I'm gonna raise that $2 million,
but I'm NOT gonna use it to pay you
back! I'm goin' to use it to hire Johnny
Cochran myself, and sue you!
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
You wouldn't.
CHEF
Watch me! Now, GET THE FUDGE OUT OF
MY HOUSE!
[Mr. Garrison's house. Mr. Twig lies in bed]
MR. GARRISON
Hoh, I brought you some more juice,
Mr. Twig. Are you feeling any better?
Huh-I don't know who would want to hurt
you like this, but I promise nobody
will ever hurt you again, ever. Mr.-
Mr. Twig? Are you okay? Mr.- Mr. Twig?
AAAAA! MR. TWIG IS BROKEN IN HALF!!
WHO DID THIS?! YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH
THIS, YOU BASTARDS!!
[Chef's house. The boys are still visiting. Chef is on the phone]
CHEF
Okay. Thank you, Mr. Cochran. Well,
Johnny Cochran will take my case if
I can pay his legal fee: $2 million.
STAN
Hey, why don't you ask all those famous
people you used to know for money? They're
rich.
CHEF
Oh, they wouldn't remember me. All I
did was cook for them.
KYLE
You can raise $2 million, dude. We'll
help you.
CHEF
Uh I appreciate that, children, but
raisin' $2 million is not an easy thng
to do. My only hope is to whore myself
to every woman in town. Wish me luck,
children.
STAN
Agh. We've gotta help him, dude.
KYLE
Yeah but, but how?
STAN
Come on. Maybe those rock stars will
remember Chef. Let's go pay them a visit!
[The boys take an AA plane to England, where they look for Elton
John]
KYLE
Whoa, dude, this house is huge!
STAN
Yeah, it's bigger than Cartman's ass!
CARTMAN
No it isn't, you guys.
BUTLER
Can I help you?
CARTMAN
We've come to raise money for our friend,
Chef. Would you like a Nilla Crunchy,
or a Snacky Cake?
KYLE
Are you Elton John?
BUTLER
No, I'm one of his butlers.
KYLE
Ogh. Then what the hell are we talking
to you for?! Come on, guys. Hi. Are
you Elton John?
ELTON
Sir Elton John. I was knighted, you
know.
KYLE
We're trying to raise money for our
school chef.
CARTMAN
We have Chocolate Noogies, and Nilla
Crunchies-
ELTON
I'm sorry. Bu' I'm not a big candy bar
fan.
CARTMAN
What?!
STAN
Could you buy a couple anyway? Our friend,
Chef is really-
ELTON
Chef! You mean, 'Chef' Chef?
KYLE
Yeah, dude.
STAN
Wow, do you remember him?
ELTON
Of course! I haven't seen him in so
long. I remember when I first met him.
It was about 25 years ago. I was just
a struggling musician , and couldn't
get a break.
ELTON
Oh oh, you're my cheddar cheese girl
You're soft but firm, and you go well with wine
Oh oh, cheddar cheese girl
Cheddar, cheddar cheese girl
[people boo and start throwing food at him. He goes backstage]
CHEF
Hey, Elton. Don't feel so down, baby.
Have some of my Scottish haggis. It'll
cheer you up.
ELTON
Thanks, Chef. I just don't understand
what my music is missing.
CHEF
Look, Elton. You are a great singer,
but a retarded monkey could write better
lyrics.
ELTON
I really thought I had it this time
with "Cheddar Cheese Girl."
CHEF
What you need is a guy to write realy
good lyrics for you. I know a guy named
Bernie Taupin who's workin' at Moth
Burger right now. I'll give him a call.
ELTON
That's a great idea!
CHEF
And Elton. Why don't you get yourself
some new threads? You know. Some slick
trousers and shit.
ELTON
And so I got Bernie to write my lyrics.
And if it wasn't for Chef, I would never've
had a career in music.
STAN
So will you buy some of our candy bars
to help him out?
ELTON
Yes, of course. I'll buy three Crispy
Yum-Yums.
CARTMAN
Three Crispy Yum-Yums.
STAN
Hey, Elton, if I give you these lyrics,
will you write a song for my girlfriend,
Wendy?
ELTON
Sure, kid. But I would retain exclusive
worldwide rights, including but not
limited to Asian territories, with a
20% commission from all domestic sales,
and sole ownership of any and all publishing.
STAN
'Kay.
ELTON
Tell Chef I said 'hi.'
STAN
Thanks, dude.
KYLE
Dude, we'll have Chef's $2 million in
no time!
[The Broflovski house. Chef is in bed with Sheila as she smokes.
Kyle's picture is on one nightstand]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, thank you, Chef.
CHEF
No problem, Mrs. Broflovski. Uuh, now,
about that hundred bucks?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Eh, of course! Here you go. Leaving
so soon?
CHEF
I've got a loohohohohohohohohong way
to go to raise the kind of money I need.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well, best of luck to you then.
KYLE'S FATHER
How was it, honey?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Pretty much what I expected.
[The boys stand before another house, and Kyle knocks. The boys
now pull a money meter around on a red cart. The door opens]
STAN
Hello? Are you Meatloaf?
MEATLOAF
Yeah. What the hell do you want?
CARTMAN
Mr. Loaf, we are selling candy bars
for our dying friend.
KYLE
He's not dying, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Shut your goddamned mouth! We have
Nilla Crunchies, Berry Bars.
MEATLOAF
What's this for?
STAN
Our friend, Chef.
MEATLOAF
Chef's in trouble?
KYLE
Yeah. Do you know him?
MEATLOAF
Do I?
COUS-COUS
Nobody came again.
CHEF
There, there, Cous-Cous. It'll be all
right. Maybe you just need to change
your image.
COUS-COUS
What do you mean?
CHEF
Nobody wants to see a guy called Cous-Cous.
You need a big, strong, beefy name.
COUS-COUS
Beefy, like uuuuh… Tri-tip!
CHEF
Aw, that's not bad. Here, have some
meatloaf.
MEATLOAF
I owe eveything to Chef.
STAN
Wow. So you'll help him?
MEATLOAF
You bet. Give me a box of Nilla Yum-Yum's
and a couple of Berry Bars.
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
Cool!
KENNY
(Hooray!)
[Ms. Crabtree's house. Chef is in bed with her]
MS. CRABTREE
All right, let's get this show on the
road! Come 'ere, puppy!
CHEF
Uh, uh, hold on a second, Ms. Crabtree.
How would you like to use some… sex
toys?
MS. CRABTREE
Sex toys? Like what?
CHEF
Like this very special device. I call
it "Chef's Pleasure Bag."
MS. CRABTREE
How does it work?
CHEF
Now, all you do is put this paper bag
over your head, and it increases your
sexual pleasure.
MS. CRABTREE
Really? Well, hell, let's give it a
shot.
CHEF
Aaah, yeah. That's much better.
[The boys visit Rick James]
RICK
Sure. I'll do anything for Chef. Give
me a box of those Choco-Numbers.
KYLE
Gosh. Thanks, Rick James.
STAN
Yeah, thanks. That's $35 dollars. Come
on, you guys. We've gotta hurry and
give this money to Chef!
[City Hall. Chef and the Mayor are in her bed]
THE MAYOR
Ohoho, that was wonderful, Chef. Good
show!
CHEF
I can't keep doin' this. It's killin'
me!
THE MAYOR
Ugh, come on, buck up, little fella.
CHEF
I'm serious! I'm not gonna make it.
THE MAYOR
Sure you are, Chef. I'll give you a
hundred more for another romp! Aw,
hell!
[Mr. Garrison's house. Officer Barbrady enters]
MR. GARRISON
Thanks for coming, Officer Barbrady!
OFFICER BARBRADY
What's this all about?
MR. GARRISON
These pictures just arrived. I set up
a camera, and caught Mr. Twig's assailant
red-handed! Now, go arrest 'im! What??
OFFICER BARBRADY
Can I go now?
MR. GARRISON
Yes. Yes, uh-I'm sorry.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Weirdo.
MR. GARRISON
It can't be. These can't be right.
Mr. Hat!!
[the boys go to Chef's house. Three police cars are there. The
boys walk in to see Chef being cuffed]
STAN
Wait, wait. What are you doing?
CHEF
It's over, children. I couldn't raise
the $2 million to hire Johnny Cochran,
and now I have to go to jail.
STAN
No you don't.
CHEF
Huh?
KYLE
We went to a bunch of rock stars and
sold them candy bars to raise the moeny
you needed.
CHEF
Did what?! Wow! How much did you make?
KYLE
Cartman?
CARTMAN
Well, you can see here that we raised
approximately $95, falling well short
of our $2 million goal illustrated here.
CHEF
Ooh.
KYLE
But we can put our money together with
the money you made whoring yourself
to all the women. How much did you make?
CHEF
I made about $410,300, but-
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
That doesn't matter, because that money
belongs to me!
STAN
You can't take Chef's money! That illeg-!
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
I AM ABOVE THE LAW!
OFFICER
All right, you. It's time to go!
CHEF
Good-bye, children. Thanks for all your
help.
OFFICER
Let's go.
CHEF
Ow! What the hell did you do that for?!
OFFICER
I don't tell you how to do your job,
don't tell me how to do mine!
CHEF
Ow! Ow!
KYLE
Dude, Chef is gone.
STAN
No more Chef.
CARTMAN
No more Salisbury steak and pecan pie.
STAN
We can't let him down, you guys.
KYLE
Dude, it's over. He's gone.
STAN
No! Chef wouldn't give up on us. How
many times has Chef gotten us out of
trouble?
CARTMAN
Four.
KYLE
But what are we gonna do?
STAN
It's easy, dude. Chef Aid.
KYLE
Chef Aid?
STAN
Yeah. We set up a stage, and have Cartman
do the German Dance. Then we charge
people for tickets.
KYLE
Hey, that's a great idea!
CARTMAN
Yeah!
[Mr. Garrison's house. He paces back and forth in front of Mr.
Hat, seated in the armchair]
MR. GARRISON
Did you think I would just take you
back? Like you can just, walk out and
then, come back like nothing happened?
Oh, don't look at me like that, Mr.
Hat. Remember, you're the one that left!
And I'm NOT goin' to take you back!
You can just go to hell! You go to
hell and you die! You are a lying ball
of turd, Mr. Hat!! I hope you starve,
you lousy son of a bitch!! What are
you all looking at? This is just between
me and Mr. Hat.
DR. DOCTOR
It's over, Mr. Garrison. This is it.
We've had enough.
MR. GARRISON
Wuwhat do you mean?
OFFICER BARBRADY
I'm afraid it's the big house for you,
fruitcake.
MR. GARRISON
What?! Jail??
[Chef Aid. Fanfare.]
CARTMAN
I will do the German daunce for you.
It's fun and gay and tra-la-la
I hope you will enjoy my daunce
Feedly-I feedly-I ay.
[some folks stop by, then leave]
KYLE
Hmm. This isn't going over so well.
STAN
Cartman just needs to put more into
it Dance better, Cartman!
CARTMAN
"Would you like some sauerkraut
German boy, German boy?"
"Yes I'd like some sauerkraut.
Boy, I'm hungry!"
[a white limousine pulls up]
ELTON
Howdy ho, boys!
STAN
Elton John. What are you doing here?
ELTON
It occured to me that you might need
some more help raising money for Chef.
STAN
Boy, do we!
ELTON
So I called a few friends, and we all
decided to come over.
KYLE
Wow, cool!
ELTON
I see you've got a stage all set up
for us.
STAN
Yeah, dude. It's all yours!
ELTON
Then, let's rock and roll! Or something
simlar.
CARTMAN, KENNY
Hooray!
[South Park Police Dept. Chef and Garrison now share the same
cell]
MR. GARRISON
…And Mr. Twig is at home; he has no
idea Mr. Hat is even back. I mean, I
care a lot about Mr. Twig, but Mr. Hat
and I have so much history.
CHEF
You've finally snapped, huh, Garrison?
MR. GARRISON
What?
CHEF
Don't you get it, Garrison? It's all
you! You're Mr. Hat and Mr. Twig! You've
got split personalities schizophrenic
jeebies.
MR. GARRISON
…I warn you, Chef! Don't even think
of taking advantage of me in this prison
cell!
CHEF
What??
[back at Chef Aid. The stage has been reworked with the addition
of PA system, drums, floodlights, spotlights]
TEEN MC
Okay. Thanks for coming to Chef Aid,
everybody! Are you ready to rock and
roll?! Woo! All right, let's get things
going with… Rancid!! Ran-cid!
RANCID
California sun has sunk
But Amana mailed, she'll come tonight
I wish I were junk-
[people begin to jump to the music and buy tickets]
[back in jail]
MR. GARRISON
You still aren't entertaining any ideas
of raping me here in this prison cell,
are you, Chef?
CHEF
No, Garrison! Shut the hell up!
MR. GARRISON
Well that's good.
CHEF
What the?!
MR. GARRISON
Oh boy, we're free! Wow, what a daring
rescue! Mr. Hat! Mr. Hat saved us,
Chef! Come on, let's get in the truck!
I'll drive from here, Mr. Hat.
CHEF
How the hell did he reach the gas pedal?
[Chef Aid. Rick James has just ended a song. The group is now
a crowd, cheering the music]
RICK
Mmmmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mmmm.
TEEN MC
Rick James, ladies and gentlemen!
RICK
God bless you, Chef!
TEEN MC
And now here's your favorite band, Primus!
Woo!
LES CLAYPOOL
We're damned proud to be here to support
our good buddy, Chef. It was Chef who
told us in the early days, to keep trying
and to keep pursuing our dreams, no
matter how much we sucked. I love that
man.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Wooo!
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
What are you bastards doing?
KYLE
We are raising money so that Chef can
hire Johnny Cochran to sue you!
CARTMAN
Yeah, now get out of here before I kick
you in the nuts!
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
Oh yeah? We'll just see about this!
TEEN MC
Now here's Joe Strummer! Wooo-hoo!
JOE
You know, in the Classroom Tour, we
lost a beat. Chef would be like it was
so offstage going, "Don't forget. Pump
your loins, children." You know, it
was like his mo'o, or something.
TEEN MC
Woo!
JOE
Well it's a rockin' world, make no mistake
about it
It's a shockin' world, could be what's so great about it
[The truck pulls up and Chef exits]
It's a rockin' world, there ain't nothing fake abou-
CHEF
What the hell is this?
THE CROWD
Welcome to Chef Aid, Chef.
STAN
Wow, how'd you get out of jail, Chef?
CHEF
Mr. Hat busted me out. Children, did
you do this?
KYLE
Well, we helped.
STAN
We're gonna raise your money, Chef.
CHEF
I don't believe it!
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
We'll just see how long this Chef Aid
thing lasts!
TEEN MC
And now, here he is. TV's Ozzy Osbourne!
OZZY
We're all here to help our good friend,
Chef, who has touched our lives in the
past. I remember when I was just starting
out. Chef suggested I buy a pompadour
hat. I thought he said, "bite the head
off a bat," so I did. And the rest,
oh, it's just history. Now, let's go
freakeeee!
Ain't nowhere to run (come everybody let's)
[the producer continues sawing. Two of the supports are gone]
Ain't nowhere to hide (come on!)
[picks up Kenny and bites into him] Arrrrrrrrgh
KENNY
(All right dude, let me go now)
Ozzy [looks up with a bloody mouth] Yaahhhh! [Kenny's head is
missing. The music dies down]
STAN
Oh my God, Ozzy Osbourne bit Kenny's
head off!
KYLE
You bastard!
TEEN MC
And now here's Ween!
DEAN
We're proud to be a part of Chef Aid.
GENE
Chef is the guy who told us to do a
country album.
DEAN
Whoa, dude, that was Steve's idea.
GENE
Oh, then. Who's Chef?
DEAN
I don't know, dude. I though you knew
him.
GENE
Oh, well. Anyways, here's our song!
WEEN
Many colors in my homo rainbow
Don't be afraid to let your colors shine
MR. GARRISON
Don't worry, Mr. Twig. Even though
Mr. Hat rescued me from prison, I'm
still gonna stick with you.
MR. TWIG
Do you love him?
MR. GARRISON
It doesn't matter. He left me.
MR. TWIG
Do you love him?
MR. GARRISON
Yes.
MR. TWIG
Then run to him.
MR. GARRISON
But I feel like I'd be making the wrong
decision.
MR. TWIG
Love isn't a decision, it's a feeling.
If we could decide who we love, it would
be much simpler, but much less magical.
MR. GARRISON
I'll never forget you, Mr. Twig. Thank
you.
TEEN MC
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton
John! Woo!
ELTON
Thank you all for coming to help Chef.
This is a song written by a veerry special
little boy I have no idea what his
name is. Agh, who the hell cares? Anyway,
he wrote it for his girlfriend.
Wake up, Wendy. Smell the coffee
[Wendy smiles and looks over at Stan. Stan looks baack]
KYLE
Dude, that's your song for Wendy!
CARTMAN
Ha haa, you're a wuss.
ELTON
You know I do want you
Your flavors smell of peanuts peanuts peanuts…
[the record producer saws yet another support, and this one brings
the stage down, with Elton still on it. The lights go out, and
the audience is stunned]
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
Haa ha ha ha ha. I win. You lose! Chef
Aid is over, and you didn't raise near
enough money to pay Cochran's legal
fees. Ha hahaha I win!
VOICE OVER
And what happened then? Well, in South
Park they say , Johnny Cochran's heart
grew three sizes that day.
COCHRAN
Wait! Mr. Chef, this music has really
touched me. I'd like to take up your
case, free of charge!
CHEF
You will?
COCHRAN
I will.
CROWD
YEA!!
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
No!
COCHRAN
We'll see you in court, Mr. Record Producer.
MR. BIG RECORD PRODUCER
Nooooooooooo!
[Back to the courthouse. Cochran now prosecutes for Chef, and
the record producer has a new lawyer. The boys are now among
the obssrvers]
COCHRAN
Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed
jury, you must now decide whether or
not to reverse the decision for my client,
Chef. I know he seeems guilty, but
ladies and gentlemen, this… is Chewbacca.
Now think about that for one minute:
that does NOT MAKE SENSE! Why am I talkin'
about Chewbacca when a man's life is
on the line? Why? I tell you why. I
don't know. It doesn't make sense. If
Chewbacca does not make sense, you must
acquit! Here, look at the monkey. Look
at the silly monkey.
[The courthouse doors open and Chef emerges, with the four boys
behind him. Reporters gather around him]
REPORTER
Chef? How does it feel to be a free
man and finally have your name credited
on the song, "Stinky Britches"?
CHEF
It feels greaheet! I just can't fuhind
the words to thank all the artists who
put on Chef Aid. And most of all, I
want to thank the children.
REPORTER
So, what are you gonna do now?
CHEF
Get back to what's important. It's Tuesday!
And that means tomorrow is Tuna Casserole
Day.
THE BOYS
Hooray!
THE END
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