"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 210
"CHICKEN POX"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & Trisha Nixon
[Hell's Pass Hospital. Sharon and the doctor stand before Shelley's
bed.]
DR. DOCTOR
It's a good thing we got her to the
hospital in time.
SHARON
But what's wrong with her?
DR. DOCTOR
It's chicken pox. There seems to be
a small epidemic going around. Your
daughter never had the chicken pox as
a little child, I take it?
SHARON
No, uh-no, she's been perfectly healthy.
DR. DOCTOR
Well, that's the problem. You see, chicken
pox is a pretty normal thing for young
children. But as you get older it becomes
more and more a- ferocious disease.
SHARON
Shelley, look who's come to visit you;
your little brother, Stan.
SHELLEY
Oh, whoo-peee!
DR. DOCTOR
You know, most people don't realize
that chicken pox is actually a form
of herpes.
STAN
Dude, you've got herpes on your face!
SHELLEY
Shut up, brat!
SHARON
Will my daughter be okay?
DR. DOCTOR
She'll be fine.
SHELLEY
Stop it!
DR. DOCTOR
We just want to be cautious and monitor
her here.
STAN
OOOWWW!
SHARON
Come on, Stanley. Give your sister a
kiss and then we have to go.
[The Broflovski house. Sharon, Sheila, and Liane are seated at
the dining room table. Ike is playing in his high chair]
SHARON
…and then the doctor said that it's
much worse as you get older. My daughter
is in pretty bad shape now, but if she
were in her twenties, she could die.
KYLE'S MOTHER
My God, I never knew chicken pox was
such a dangerous illness.
LIANE
I guess it's much better to get it when
you're young.
SHARON
So tell me if I'm crazy, but I started
thinking that we should intentionally
have our boys play with a child who
has the chicken pox. Let them get it
now, while they're young.
KYLE'S MOTHER
That's not crazy at all, Sharon. Mothers
do it all the time.
LIANE
Oh, yes. When I was a child, my mother
had me go over to a little girl's house
who had the chicken pox, just so I would
get it.
SHARON
So it's not such a crazy idea after
all?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Noo, no. And I'm pretty sure that strange
little boy Kenny has the chicken pox
right now.
KYLE
Are you guys having a meeting or something?
KYLE'S MOTHER
How would you boys like to have a little
slumber party at your friend Kenny's
house tonight?
CARTMAN
No way, dude. Kenny's family's poor;
they live in the ghetto.
KYLE
Yeah. Let's just have a slumber party
here.
SHARON
Boys, you're going to sleep over at
Kenny's, and that's final!
CARTMAN
Oh weak!
[The boys have gone home to gather their things. Now they meet
up and walk to Kenny's house]
KYLE
I wonder why our moms want us to sleep
over at Kenny's so bad.
STAN
Yeah, it's pretty weird.
KYLE
Well, all I can say is, he's better
have Nintendo! Well, here's Kenny's
house.
CARTMAN
In the ghetto
On a cold and gray Chicago morn another little baby child is
born
In the ghetto In the ghetto
MR. MCCORMICK
Yeah?
STAN
We're here to have a slumber party with
Kenny.
MR. MCCORMICK
What? Don't you know Kenny's sick with-?
MRS. MCCORMICK
That's the whole point, remember??
Their moms want them to catch it while
they're young.
MR. MCCORMICK
Oh yeah.
STAN
Catch what?
MRS. MCCORMICK
Nothin'. Uhco-uh, come on in, I was
jus' makin' dinner.
CARTMAN
And his momma cried
'Cause if there's one thing that she don't need is another little
hungry mouth to feed
In the ghetto In the ghetto
STAN
Sshh! Cartman!
CARTMAN
What?
MRS. MCCORMICK
Kenny, your little friends are here!
Come play with them!
KENNY
(No, Mom, I'm seriously sick!)
MRS. MCCORMICK
I know you're sick! Now get your buns
out here!
KYLE
Heheheh, bun.
KENNY
(Hey you guys, what's goin' on?)
STAN
Whoa, dude! You've got herpes on your
face, too!
CARTMAN
Where is the- Nintendo?
MR. MCCORMICK
We don't have a Nintendo. We got a ColecoVision
hooked up to the black-and-white TV.
KYLE
Oh my God. This is like a third-world
country.
MRS. MCCORMICK
Throw your sleeping bags in Kenny's
room and then come grab some dinner.
CARTMAN
Oh, good. I'm starving.
[The boys are seated, as are Kenny's parents. Kenny's older brother
comes to table. All there is to eat is a plate of 5 or 6 frozen
waffles and a toaster to toast them in. The boys can only wonder]
MRS. MCCORMICK
Let's say grace.
MR. MCCORMICK
Lord, we thank you for this staggering
payload of frozen waffles you have bestowed
upon us. Andn since we have been faithful
to you, we know that you will send us
some good fortune one of these days,
even though you sure as hell seem to
be taking your sweet time. Amen.
ALL
Amen.
CARTMAN
Pfff
MRS. MCCORMICK
Okay, let's dig in.
KENNY'S BROTHER
That one's mine, that one's mine!
CARTMAN
What kind of side dishes will we be
enjoying this evening with our frozen
waffles? Am I to understand there will
be no side dishes?
MR. MCCORMICK
So, Kyle, your dad's still bringing
home those big, fat, lawyer paychecks?
KYLE
I don't know.
MRS. MCCORMICK
Stuart, don't even get started!
STUART
What? I'm just askin' a question.
You know, your dad and I used to be
best friends when we were teenagers.
We would work together at Pizza Shack.
But he got promoted and went off to
community college and I didn't. And
you know why? 'Cause your dad's Jewish!
CARTMAN
Puh. I heard that!
MRS. MCCORMICK
That aint why, Stuart! It's because
you are an alcoholic retard and he had
dreams of not eating frozen waffles
for dinner every night!
STUART
Hey, is it my fault you don't know how
to cook?!
MRS. MCCORMICK
What am I supposed to do with frozen
waffles, clamhead?! You put 'em in the
toaster and you cook 'em!
STUART
You just don't know how to used spices
and stuff.
KENNY'S BROTHER
My waffle's d-hun, my waffle's d-hu-hun!
MRS. MCCORMICK
Now Kevin, we ain't got enough for everybody.
You have to split that with your brother.
CARTMAN
Oh, Jesus. Are you fucking kidding me?
STUART
Ey! We don't say 'fuck' at the table,
you little asshole!
CARTMAN
Heh, we apparently don't say 'side
dishes' at the table, either.
KENNY
(Aa-choo!)
MRS. MCCORMICK
Kenny, honey, if you're going to sneeze,
sneeze on them.
STAN
Huh?
KENNY
(Waa-choo!)
CARTMAN
Ey!
[Kenny's room. The boys enter it. Kenny has two posters of bikini-clad
women and one of a 4X4 monster truck. His curtains are tatters
and his dresser drawer is a battered suitcase. His bed has no
frame to rest on]
CARTMAN
Man, your family sucks ass, Kenny. Whoever
heard of frozen waffles for dinner?
KYLE
Come on! Let's just get in our sleeping
bags and get this night over with!
[The boys go to their respective sleeping bags while Kenny goes
to his bed. The boys roll down their bags and this is what the
bags say]
KYLE
Cartman! What the hell is that?!
CARTMAN
It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it
coool??
KYLE
No, it's not cool!
STAN
Dude, I think I just saw a rat!
CARTMAN
Agh! You have rats in your house, too,
Kenny?!
KENNY
(Uh-huh.)
CARTMAN
Dude, seriously, you'd better stop being
so poor, or else I'm gonna start huckin'
rocks atcha.
STAN
I don't think it's very healthy to sleep
with rats.
KENNY
(Well, there's gonna be a bunch of rats
until they put the freakin' ceiling
in.)
STAN
Oh.
KENNY
(Aa-choo!)
[THE NEXT DAY. THE BOYS HAVE GONE BACK HOME. FIRST UP
Stan's house. Stan has a thermometer
in his mouth and the first pox on his
face]
SHARON
Okay, lemme see. Oh, goody! You've
got a fever!
STAN
Goody?? What do you mean, 'goody'?!
SHARON
Yyup, it looks like you've got chicken
pox alright.
STAN
Chicken po-? Oh no, I must have caught
it from Kenny last night.
SHARON
Oh, gee, I guess you did.
STAN
Well, you sure seem happy about it!
SHARON
All right, it's off to bed with you,
young man.
[Cartman's house. Cartmn is on the sofa picking at his pox]
LIANE
Don't scratch it, hon.
CARTMAN
But mom, seriously, it itches. I can't
stand it!
LIANE
No, hon.
CARTMAN
Mom, seriously, it itches. It itches.
LIANE
Here, I got you some calamine lotion.
CARTMAN
I don't wanna.
LIANE
It'll make your itches go away.
CARTMAN
Ugh. Uunnh. Ey, give me that! Aaaaaah!
LIANE
Not too much, hon. It says on the bottle
that too much can be bad.
CARTMAN
More calamine lotion!
[Kyle's house. His parents look him over]
KYLE'S MOTHER
I don't understand it. He's perfectly
healthy.
KYLE
Yeah. I feel great!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Are you sure you stayed over at Kenny's
house?
KYLE
Yeah, dude. I told you, we had bread
sandwiches for breakfast.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Did you sleep in the same room?
KYLE
Yes. Why?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Bubbe, how would you like to spend the
night at your friend Kenny's house again?
KYLE
Nno way, dude! It sucked ass! They don't
even have cable!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well I think you need to spend more
time with your friends.
KYLE
Kenny's not really my friend, Ma. I
don't give a rats ass about him.
KYLE'S MOTHER
I'm gonna give Mrs. McCormick a call.
KYLE
Aawwww! Hey Dad. Is it true that you
and Kenny's dad used to be best friends
when you were young?
KYLE'S FATHER
Who? Stuart? Yeah, yeah, I guess we
were.
KYLE
Well how come Kenny's family eats frozen
waffles for dinner and has rats on the
floor, and we have a big house and lots
of food?
KYLE'S FATHER
Well, because Kenny's family doesn't
have as much money as we do.
KYLE
But why? If they're hungry and poor,
why don't we just always give them half
of our food?
KYLE'S FATHER
Ha ha ha ha ha! Ooh-ho boy, have you
got a lot to learn! Sit down, son.
You see, Kyle, we humans work as a society,
and in order for a society to thrive,
we need gods, and clods.
KYLE
Gods and clods?
KYLE'S FATHER
Yes. You see, I spent a lot of time
going to law school, and I was able
to go because I have a slightly higher
intellect than others. But I still need
people to pump my gas, and make my French
fries, and fix my laundry machine when
it breaks down.
KYLE
Oooohh, I see. Gods and clods!
KYLE'S FATHER
That's right. So Kenny's family is happy
just the way they are, and we're all
a functioning part of America.
[Stan's house, night time. Stan is in bed, motionless]
SHARON
Stanley, can I get you anything else?
Stanley? Ohmigod! Randy?! Randy, hurry,
he's burning up!
[Next day, Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan now lies next to Shelley.
Their parents are also present]
SHARON
Don't you worry, Stanley. You're going
to be okay.
DR. DOCTOR
Can I talk to you outside?
SHARON
Kids, Daddy and I are gonna be right
back, okay?
STAN
Okay.
SHELLEY
Serves you right, you little brat!
STAN
Well at least I'm not gonna die from
it like you might! Hahahahah!
SHELLEY
If I die from this, I'm taking you with
me.
TV VOICE
Will Carol find out she's a fa-?
STAN
I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch
Terrance and Phillip!
SHELLEY
We're watching this.
STAN
Well I've got the remote, bitch! Hahaha.
PHILLIP
Say, Terrance? Will you check my ass
for abnormalities?
TERRANCE
Sure thing, Phillip. Ah ha ha ha, you
got me again!
PHILLIP
That's tomfoolery.
SHELLEY
Give me the remote!
STAN
No way, dude! We're gonna watch Terrance
and Phillip aall day- Ey! Get me out
of here!
TV VOICE
She was-
[outside the room]
DR. DOCTOR
He'll be okay. But it's a good idea
for us to monitor him for a while.
SHARON
Oh God, what have we done?
DR. DOCTOR
There there now, it's not your fault.
RANDY
Doctor, we-uuuh purposefully-ee sent
our son to stay with a friend who had
chickien pox so that he would get it
early.
DR. DOCTOR
Oh, wow. You did? Wow… You guys suck.
[Kenny's house. Kyle and his mom are visiting. She's talking
with Mrs. McCormick in the dining room. Kenny and Kyle enter]
KYLE
Could we go home now, Ma?
KYLE'S MOTHER
No, bubbeleh. You play with Kenny some
more.
KYLE
But we've been playing for eight hours.
We can't think of anything else to do.
KYLE'S MOTHER
I've got a grrreat game for you. It's
called "ooky mouth".
KYLE
What's "ooky mouth"?
KYLE'S MOTHER
First, you let Kenny spit in your mouth.
Then you try to swallow his spit and
say "ooky mouth" at the same time.
KYLE
Sick, dude!
KYLE'S MOTHER
No, no, bubbe, it's loads of fun. Try
it. That ought to take care of it.
MRS. MCCORMICK
You want some more hot water?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, no thank you. It's terrific though,
it's-. You don't have any tea bags or
coffee grounds to go in the hot water,
do you?
MRS. MCCORMICK
Naw, we don't go for that hoidy-toidy
rich folk stuff.
KYLE'S MOTHER
I see. Hwell, you certainly have aab-
humble home, Mrs. McCormick.
MRS. MCCORMICK
Yehah, well, unfortonately my husband
is a washed-up hunk of shit!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, I'm- sorry to hear that.
KYLE
Ooky mouth! Gross! I can't do it, Ma!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Try again, bubbe!
KYLE
Aaah!
KYLE'S MOTHER
You know, your husband and mine used
to work together as teenagers.
MRS. MCCORMICK
Oh they wuz best frayends; you couldn't
separate 'em.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Really. I met Gerald in college, so
I didn't know-uh. What happened to them?
MRS. MCCORMICK
Oh they jus' grew apart, I guess. I
think Stuart's a little jealous that
your husband got out of makin' pizzas
and went on to make somethin' of hisself.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well that's too bad. I'm sure your husband's
a fine man.
MRS. MCCORMICK
Oh, hell no! He's a nugget o' deer turd!
KYLE'S MOTHER
But if they were such good friends it
seems silly that they don't even talk
anymore. Let's get them together!
MRS. MCCORMICK
Uh-I don't know.
KYLE'S MOTHER
We'll just arrange a little fishing
trip for them or something.
KYLE
I can't say "ooky mouth" and have Kenny
spit down my throat at the same time!
It's impossible!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Prrractice makes perfect, bubbe.
[Cartman's house. Cartmna's on the sofa watching TV]
CARTMAN
Hey Ma, where's that calamine lotion?!
TERRANCE
Phillip, I've got good news, and bad
news.
PHILLIP
Give it to me straight, Terrance.
TERRANCE
The good news is, you have a clean bill
of health.
PHILLIP
Oh, what a relief!
TERRANCE
The bad news is, you have cancer.
PHILLIP
Cancer??
TERRANCE
Yes. I'm afraid your ass is collapsing.
PHILLIP
My ass is collapsing?
TERRANCE
Yes. See this X-ray? That's your ass.
See this line? That's your ass collapsing.
Your ass is collapsing.
PHILLIP
Will this mean that I won't be able
to fart anymore?
TERRANCE
No, it means that you won't be able
to live anymore.
CARTMAN
Oh, no. Damnit! No, Kitty! That's
a b-wait a minute. Come 'ere, Kitty!
Uh. Yes. Uh.
LIANE
I'm back, hon. I got some more calamine
lotion.
CARTMAN
It's about friggin' time! Give me that!
LIANE
Just use a little bit of that stuff,
hom. It has to last a while.
[Cartman reaches the bathroom and closes the door. Then he opens
the bag and pulls out six bottles of the lotion and pours them
into the tub. Then he undresses and jumps into the tub himself]
CARTMAN
Uugh! Yeessss! Ooohhh yyess, seriiously,
it calms yer ass. Yeessss!
[Gone fishin'. Stuart drives Gerald to a fishing site]
STUART
I didn't know you like to fish, Gerry.
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, yeah, love it! I haven't done it
for a while, though. I had to go out
and buy a few things, you know a-. A
rod and a reel and a uh. Uuh.
STUART
Tackle box?
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah, tackle box. Man, smell that mountain
air. What a great Saturday morning-aren't
weekends just the best?
STUART
When you're uh-unemployed, weekends
are meaningless.
KYLE'S FATHER
Right. Right-right.
[Monday afternoon, South Park Elementary. The dismissal bell
rings]
MR. GARRISON
And so, children, that's how you tell
a prostitute from a policeman. Now,
are there any questions? Yes, Kyle.
KYLE
What the hell does that have to do with
American history?
MR. GARRISON
Uhthat's a good question, Kyle. Are
there any other questions?
KYLE
Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here.
Everyone else has chicken herpes.
MR. GARRISON
Right, right. Uub. Well, class, I'm
going to assign you all a paper. The
theme of the paper will be, "How I would
make America better."
KYLE
What?! Does everybody have to do it,
or just me?!
MR. GARRISON
Uhdon't worry, Kyle. I'm sending homework
to all the children who are out sick.
They'll have to turn in a paper, too.
[Hell's Pass Hospital]
STAN
Homework?! But I'm in the hospital!
SHARON
Well, your teacher sent this stuff over
for you to do while you're sick.
STAN
That son of a bitch! What kind of sick
weirdo is he?
SHARON
Now, Stanley, I know at your age teachers
can seem cold and heartless, but later,
you'll understand that he did this for
your own good.
STAN
Not Mr. Garrison, Ma. He really is a
sick weirdo.
RANDY
Yeah, it's it's true, he is.
SHARON
Oh. Well, anyway, here's a pencil and
some paper.
STAN
Wait! Where are you going?!
RANDY
We're going down to-uuh Happy Burger
for some milkshakes.
STAN
Milkshakes?!
SHARON
Yeah, and then we're going to the movies.
RANDY
See ya, son.
STAN
Weak!
[Kyle's house. Kyle is on the sofa working on his paper]
KYLE
So this is how America works. We have
gods and clods. My dad says America
needs both rich and poor to survive,
but I have a better idea.
KYLE'S MOTHER
No I don't understand it, Dr. Schwartz.
He's perfectly healthy. He's been over
at Kenny's house three days in a row
and still hasn't caught the chicken
pox.
KYLE
What?
KYLE'S MOTHER
I don't know what else to do. We sent
the other boys over and they all got
sick, but I can't get my little Kyle
to catch it.
KYLE
Oh my God!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, oowhat are you doing there, honey?
KYLE
You!
KYLE'S MOTHER
I'll call you back, Dr. Schwartz.
KYLE
You!
KYLE'S MOTHER
What, bubbeleh, what is it?
KYLE
You sent us over to Kenny's house on
purpose! You wanted us to get sick!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oygh. It was for your own good, Kyle.
I wanted you to get chicken pox while
you were young.
KYLE
Why?! So I could be sitting in the hospital
waiting to die, like Stan?!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Now, Kyle, come here.
KYLE
You get away from me, you crazy woman!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Hoh boy.
[Down by the riverside. Stuart and Gerald are fishing]
STUART
Beer?
KYLE'S FATHER
Huh? Oh, uhno thanks. I brought my own:
Microbrew Sampler from Aspen. Has six
different beers from local breweries.
Sahay, remember that time we built
the fort in your mom's back yard?
STUART
Hu hu hu hu heh yeah. It took us damn
near two years to finish it, hu.
KYLE'S FATHER
Hahah. Whatever happened to that old
hunk o' junk, ha ha.
STUART
That's where I live now.
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh. right.
[Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan is working on his paper]
STAN
And so that's why Knight Rider was the
best show in America.
KYLE
Stan! Stan!
STAN
Sshh. Wake her up and we're both dead.
KYLE
Sorry, sorry. You know how after we
spent the night at Kenny's house andand
you and Cartman got sick with chicken
pox?
STAN
Yeah.
KYLE
Dude! Our parents sent us over there
to get us sick!
STAN
What are you talking about?
KYLE
They knew that staying at Kenny's house
would get us sick, and they made us
do it anyway.
STAN
They did??
KYLE
Yeah. And I think I figured out why.
STAN
Why?
KYLE
Because they're a bunch of assholes.
STAN
Of course!
KYLE
Come on, dude. We've gotta get out of
here. I don't know what they're planning
next, but it can't be good!
[Cartman's house. Cartman is back in the tub, now working on
his paper. Calamine lotion bottles line the tub and litter the
floor outside]
CARTMAN
I hope that one day America could be more like Endor, where the
Ewoks live. Endor is very cool.
[the doorbell rings] Mom, answer that!
They have trees and Ewoks, and barbecues, which is why I like
Endor more than America.
Oh… kaayy. [Kyle and Stan rush into the bathroom]
KYLE
Cartman, do you remember how we all
spent the night at Kenny's a couple
of days ago?
CARTMAN
I rmember frozen waffles, but no side
dishes.
STAN
Cartman, our parents sent us over there
to catch chicken pox from Kenny!
KYLE
Yeah, dude. Your mom wanted you to have
herpes on your face.
CARTMAN
She what?!
STAN
It's some kind of parental consipracy.
Our parents are trying to kill us or
something.
CARTMAN
That bitch! I'm gonna go downstairs
and kick her square in the nuts
KYLE
Nononono. Come on, fatass, we're gonna
get 'em all back.
[Down by the riverside]
KYLE'S FATHER
Well I'm sure you'll find another job
soon. Something'll come along.
STUART
Not that easy. You were lucky.
KYLE'S FATHER
Now, now-I, I wasn't lucky.
STUART
You had rich parents. You got to go
to that expensive community college.
KYLE'S FATHER
Hey! I worked my ass off to get to where
I am today! I wanted to be somebody!
STUART
I wanted to be somebody, too! I just
wasn't born with a silver enema up my
ass!
KYLE'S FATHER
You're just jealous. You're a bitter
old drunk, just like your father! Ow.
STUART
Now don't make me do that again!
KYLE'S FATHER
Ow! You son of a bitch!
STUART
Uh.
KYLE'S FATHER
Ow!
STUART
Oh!
KYLE'S FATHER
Ow!
STUART
Eeaaaahh!
KYLE'S FATHER
Huuuh!
[Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan's parents are visiting]
RANDY
Doctor?
DR. DOCTOR
Yes.
RANDY
Wuhwhere's Stan?
DR. DOCTOR
Stan?
RANDY
Stan, our son?
DR. DOCTOR
Oh, yes. Where is Stan?
SHARON
You mean Stanley's missing?
DR. DOCTOR
No, no. He's not missing. We just… can't
seem to find him at this moment.
SHARON
Oh my God! Our son ran away!
RANDY
Will he be okay, out of the hospital?
DR. DOCTOR
Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him
back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic
shot today, he could die.
SHARON
Die??
DR. DOCTOR
Yes, die. It won't be any easy death,
either. The chicken pox will slowly
move down his trachea into his lungs.
RANDY
Okay, well well, let's go look!
DR. DOCTOR
As he chokes for breath the pox will
move through his inner ear into his
brain, making him think his David Duchovny.
SHARON
Oh God, no!
RANDY
I'ma I'm sure he couldn't have gone
far.
DR. DOCTOR
Now moving on all fours and wheezing
uncontrollably, his cellular structure
will regress into a gelatinous mass
of-
[Kyle's house. Sheila looks after Ike, who plays with a toy truck.
Gerald enters]
KYLE'S MOTHER
So how was it? Did you boys have a good
time fishing?
KYLE'S FATHER
That son of a bitch ripped my parka!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Catch anything?
KYLE'S FATHER
I just don't get it. Why would he invite
me fishing and then turn into a complete
bastard?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well, darling, I have to tell you something.
He didn't invite you. I set the whole
thing up.
KYLE'S FATHER
What? Now why the hell would you knowingly
deceive me like that?
KYLE'S MOTHER
I thought it would be good for you!
KYLE'S FATHER
Just like you deceived our son into
going to Kenny's? And that didn't work,
either!
KYLE'S MOTHER
I'm doing the best I can!
[Gerald picks up the paper on the sofa and looks over it]
KYLE'S FATHER
My Final Solution
By Kyle Broflovski
My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught
me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna
live in a world of only gods, so my idea to make Ameica better
is put all the poor people into camps.
What?!
If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people.
And there won't be any hunger, poverty, or homeless people. 'Cause
they'll all be dead. The end.
Oh, God. What have I done?
[Chef's house. He's watching Terrance and Phillip]
PHILLIP
What's happening here, Terrance?
TERRANCE
We're doing an anal transplant. It's
our only hope.
PHILLIP
Who's the donor?
TERRANCE
I am, Phillip. I am.
PHILLIP
Terrance! You're giving up your ass
for me?
TERRANCE
Just half my ass. Can you believe it,
Phillip? Best friends, and now we're
going to share the same ass.
CHEF
Oh, damn it. Not now! Damn it! Children,
what are you doing here? Terrance and
Phillip are about to go into surgery!
KYLE
Chef. We wanna know about herpes.
CHEF
What makes you think I would know anything
about that?
KYLE
Well I don't know. You're just the only
grownup we trust.
STAN
How does someone get herpes?
CHEF
Well you get it by sharin' relations
with somebody who already has it. You
have to be veerryy careful arond someone
who has herpes.
KYLE
Do you know anybody with herpes?
CHEF
Well, there's old Frida down on Main
Street. She has a mouthful of herpes.
You need to stay away from her.
STAN
But what if we want to give somebody
herpes?
CHEF
Oh, then, Frida's the right person to
go to.
KYLE
Cool! Thanks, Chef!
CHEF
O-kay! Wait a minute. What the hell
did I just do?
[Main Street. Randy and Sharon drive around looking for Stan.]
SHARON
Stanley?
RANDY
Stan?
SHARON
Oh, Stanley, where are youuu?
RANDY
Stan?
SHARON
Stanley?!
KYLE
Are you old Frida?
FRIDA
Who wants to know?
KYLE
Someone who wants a favor.
FRIDA
Ten dollars a lay, five dollars a b-nut.
KYLE
Huh?
CARTMAN
We want you to give our parents herpes.
FRIDA
Five dollars.
STAN
My dad has five dollars on top of his
dresser.
KYLE
Damn, you sound pretty sick. Maybe you
should go back to the hospital.
STAN
And have Shelley kick my ass? No thanks.
Plus, I have to get my parents back
just as much as you do!
The boys hire Frida and take her to each
of their houses where she uses Stan's parents'
toothbrushes and drinks milk from the carton.
Kyle's house. She goes into the master
bedroom and uses Sheila's lipsticks.
Then she goes to the kitchen and soils
the silverware by putting each and every
utensil under her armpits. Stan and
Kyle jump for joy and high-five each
other.
Last stop: Cartman's house. She
goes into Liane's room and pulls out
some panties, then rubs them all over
her face. Cartman jumps for joy. They
all return to Stan's house, and she
licks away at some wine glasses and
the phone receiver. Stan and Kyle high-five
each other again. Finally, they pay
her and she leaves. ]
STAN
Thanks a lot, Frida!
FRIDA
Don't mention it.
KYLE
D-hude, this is gonna be so killer.
They're all gonna get herpes!
THE BOYS
Hooray!
RANDY
Stanley, where the hell have you been?
SHARON
Damn it, Stanley, you had us worried
sick! You have to get back to the hospital
for a shot!
STAN
Huh-I don't wanna go back there.
RANDY
Come on, we're taking you back to the
hospital.
STAN
Don't you guys feel like brushing your
teeth first?
RANDY
What?
STAN
You know, freshen up your breath.
KYLE
Aw, man. I don't feel so good.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh good, maybe you finally caught the
chicken-
KYLE
Ugh.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle!!
[Hell's Pass Hospital. All four boys are now in recovery]
DR. DOCTOR
Well, I hope you boys learned your lesson.
Going out and playing around with chicken
pox almost killed you all!
KYLE
We're sorry.
DR. DOCTOR
Well just be thankful we got you here
in time. Your parents are here to see
you, I'll send them in.
KYLE
This itches! Give me some of that calamine
lotion, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Hell no! You guys get your own!
SHARON
Stanley, how are you feeling today,
son?
STAN
Pretty good.
SHARON
The doctor says that maybe you can
go home tomorrow.
RANDY
Yeah. Isn't that great, Stanley?
STAN
Wow, coo-hul!
KYLE'S MOTHER
And how are you, Kyle?
KYLE'S FATHER
Are you doing okay?
KYLE
I'm better now.
SHARON
What's so funny, you two?
KYLE
We gave you guys herpes.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Whatwhatwhaaat?! You did this?!
STAN
We got you back for getting us sick.
We had a prostitute use your toothbrushes
and stuff.
RANDY
I can't believe you gave us herpes.
You little rascals!
SHARON
Well, I guess it serves us right.
Kids, we should have honest about wanting
you to get chicken pox.
KYLE'S MOTHER
It's true. We were wrong for deceiving
you about it.
CARTMAN
Hey, how come you don't have sores on
your lips, Ma?
LIANE
Ooh, I have them somewhere else, boopiekins.
CARTMAN
Hooray!
KYLE'S FATHER
Anduh Stuart, I think I owe you an apology.
I realize that I shouldn't be so cold
towards people that are less fortunate
than me.
STUART
Waww hell, I'm sorry, too.
TERRANCE
Oh, Phillip, I'm so glad everything
turned out for the better.
CARTMAN
Well, I know one thing for sure.
LIANE
What's that, Eric?
CARTMAN
We're all gonna need a lot more calamine
lotion.
[all the boys start laughing, then the parents join in. The doctor
stands by Kenny and doesn't laugh. Kenny laughs, but drops dead.
The meter flatlines and a long, steady note is heard. All stop
laughing]
STAN
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards!
[Stan laughs, then Kyle, then everyone else, including Kenny's
parents. End of Chicken Pox. I'm A Believer plays]
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