"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 207
"CITY ON THE EDGE OF FOREVER"
Written by
Trey Parker & Nancy Pimental
2X07 - City On The Edge Of Forever
[A mountain pass. Ms. Crabtree is driving the kids somewhere
and is going up a hill. The kids are having a grand old time
running around and tossing paper airplanes. Cartman has an entire
two-tiered chocolate cake on his laps. And a fork]
MS. CRABTREE
BE QUIET BACK THERRE! THESE ROADS ARE
SLIICK!
STAN
Hey, Cartman!
CARTMAN
What?
STAN
Are you gonna share any of that cake
with the rest of us?
CARTMAN
Hmmm, let me see. No!
KYLE
Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating
all that cake anyway!
CARTMAN
Mmm. It's chocolaty and delightful.
STAN
Give us some, Cartman!
MS. CRABTREE
BE QUIET BACK THERRE!
KYLE
Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy
out there.
STAN
Dude, the road is always snowy.
KYLE
I know, but, it's really snowy today.
CARTMAN
Mmm. I can't possibly finish this whoole
cake. Oh, yes I can.
STAN
Shut up, Cartman!
Ms. Crabtree [slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out
a bunny] Okay, that does it! Y'all be quiet or the cute little
bunny dies! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look
at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts
the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]
STAN
Dude, she always tries to quiet us down
by threatening to kill that bunny, but
I wonder if she ever would.
KYLE
Oh, she would, dude. She would.
MS. CRABTREE
GOODD!
ROAD
CLOSED
DUE TO
AVALANCHE
OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
DETOUR AT
YOUR
OWN
RISK
[She starts up the bus and takes the detour]
STAN
Come on, fat boy, give us some cake
now.
CARTMAN
I can not possibly eat one more bite
of its chocolaty goodness. Oh, but but
but, but I'll try.
KYLE
Dammit, Cartman, you are such a fat
fuck!
MS. CRABTREE
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Whoa oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the
shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill]
Hold oonn! Aaaaa! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream,
but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed.
The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river
upright, floating on down]
KIDS
Aaaah!
KYLE
I'm scared!
MS. CRABTREE
BE QUIET, KID!
[the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down
the river - and over a waterfall, straight down]
ALL
Aaaah!
[A bird sanctuary next to the river. A guide is taking a couple
bird-watching]
GUIDE
…Aand right up here you can see a red-bellied
chickadee. They're indigenous to this
area.
THE KIDS
Aaaah!
WIFE
What was that?
GUIDE
What was what?
[At the foot of the waterfall. The bus plunges into the water
and bobs up facing backwards.]
ALL
Aaaah-!
[It is carried further down until the river bends. Then the bus
is washed up onto the river bank, on the other side of which
is a cliff. The bus teeters on the precipice]
CARTMAN
All done!
MS. CRABTREE
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! I SAID 'QUIET,'
OR ELSE I KILL THE BUNNY!
STAN
Where are we?
MS. CRABTREE
I have no idea.
STAN
I don't think we're in a very safe spot.
KYLE
Yeah, what are we supposed to do?
MS. CRABTREE
Just keep your trap shut. I'll consult
the manual.
STRANDED
SEE VIDEO
TAPE #35
[She tosses the book away and reaches for the videotape drawer]
CARTMAN
Ms. Crabtree?
MS. CRABTREE
SHUT UP, KIID! I HAVE TO WATCH A TRAINING
VIDEO!
TRAINER
Welcome to tape 7 of the bus driver's
video guidebook. What to do if you become
stranded. By now you've calmed down
the children and kept order by using
the 'keep quiet or I'll kill the bunny'
technique. Now, it's time to get help.
The most important thing to remember
is that the children will be safe as
long as they stay on the bus. So do
not, under any circumstances, let any
children off the bus. The best way to
achieve this is to tell them something
like, 'A big scary monster will eat
you if you step off the bus.'
MS. CRABTREE
KIIDS, DO NOT GET OFF THIS BUS. IF YOU
DO A BIG SCARY MONSTER WILL EAT YOU!
TRAINER
That's right. With the children properly
subdued, you can leave the bus and go
out looking for assistance. And remember
your bur driver's code: 'Sit down. And
shut up!'
MS. CRABTREE
I'm goin' for help. Ah'll be back as
soon as I cane. Remember. Don't get
off this bus, or a big scary monster
WILL EAT YOU!
BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
Hey, why doesn't the scary monster eat
her?
KYLE
'Cause, dombass, scary monsters don't
eat big fat smelly bitches!
MS. CRABTREE
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
KYLE
I said, 'Larry King won't grant me three
wishes.'
MS. CRABTREE
Oh.
KYLE
Dude, this is not good! She could've
at least kept the heat on.
[A roadside. Ms. Crabtree has found a vertical path leading down
to the road and climbs down some large boulders]
MS. CRABTREE
Had to happen to me, didn't it?
TRUCK DRIVER
Lookin' for love in all the wrong places
Lookin' for love in too-
[sees Ms. Crabtree, then lowers the mirror and sets his hair]
Whoa uhih, it's supper time. Come to poppa. [stops his rig and
lowers the passenger window] Whoa uh heh hello, little lady-yeh.
Goin' my way?
MS. CRABTREE
SHUT UP AND HELP ME INTO THIS THIING!
TRUCK DRIVER
Whoa. Hehum huh.
MS. CRABTREE
Yeah! COME ON! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!
TRUCK DRIVER
Uh huh. Alright, sure, of course.
MS. CRABTREE
TAKE ME TO THE NEAREST TOWN AND MAKE
IT SNAPPY, YOU FREAK-ASS CRACKPOT!
TRUCK DRIVER
Uuuh, yeh, yes ma'am. Righta right away,
ma'am. So uh… Uhwhat's a- fragile little
doe like yourself doin' out on a, on
a night like this?
MS. CRABTREE
LLOOK, MISTER, I GOT A BUSLOAD OF KIDS
TRAPPED UP ON THAT PASS! I NEED A CRANE,
HELICOPTERS, ALL THAT CRAP! HERE, LET
ME HAVE SOME O' YOUR ASPIRIN!
TRUCK DRIVER
Uh uh- ma'am, those are actually roofies.
MS. CRABTREE
ROOFIES, ASPIRIN, RIGHT NOW I DON'T
GIVE A RAT'S ASS! HOW FAR TO THE NEAREST
TOOWWN?!
TRUCK DRIVER
Mm-… mm-it's a ways.
[Next day, and the bus is still there]
CARTMAN
You guys. What if Ms. Crabtree doesn't
come back, and we're all trapped here
forever.
KIDS
What? Huh?
KYLE
We couldn't get trapped here forever,
Cartman. We'd die after a couple of
days.
STAN
Dude!
KYLE
What?
CARTMAN
I don't wanna die on this- bus with
you assholes! You guys suck!
STAN
Would you just relax? We've been in
a lot worse situations than this and
come out of it just fine.
KYLE
Worse than this?
STAN
Well sure. Don't you remember that time
that the aliens kienapped your little
brother Ike? Now, that was scary.
STAN'S TALE
CARTMAN
Oh, man, this sucks.
KYLE
How come the visitors aren't coming
for him.
STAN
I think we have to signal them somehow.
CARTMAN
Ow!
WENDY
Hey, he's like Rudolph.
KYLE
Yeah, all you have to do is fart some
more, Cartman! And the visitors are
sure to come!
CARTMAN
Really? Uh, I don't think I have to
fart anymore tonight.
KYLE
Sure you do!
STAN
Come on Cartman, fart!
CARTMAN
I don't wanna.
STAN
He can't hold it in forever.
KYLE
Fart, damn you!
CARTMAN
Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why
is it that everything today has involved
things either going in or coming out
of my ass?!
KYLE
Whoa, look at that.
CARTMAN
It's completely immature!
STAN
Hey, it's happening again. It's a ice
cream truck. Now do you believe this,
Cartman?
CARTMAN
You guys can't scare me!
STAN
Cartman, there's an ice cream truck
sticking out of your ass.
KYLE
Hey, look. The aliens are getting ice
cream.
STAN
Wow! I guess everything's going to be
okay.
WENDY
Mmmm.
STAN
Now, that was what I call a sticky situation.
KYLE
You can say that again.
CARTMAN
Was that how it happened?
[the truck]
MS. CRABTREE
STOOPP! LET ME OFF, YOU TURD!
TRUCK DRIVER
Hey. Uh I wanna help you. Uh, I care
a lot about that bus full of uuh- what
was it again?
MS. CRABTREE
Children.
TRUCK DRIVER
Yeah right. Leh, let me come with you.
PAULY SHORE'S
FUNNY Pit
TONIGHT
Carrot ass
MS. CRABTREE
WHO-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAAP?!
CARROT ASS
I hate flyin'. Talk about somethin'
I hate, it's flyin'.
TRUCK DRIVER
Say uuhh, are those roofies kickin'
in yet?
MS. CRABTREE
WELL, I DON'T THINK SO!
TRUCK DRIVER
Damn!
CARROT ASS
D'you guys like impressions?
PATRON
No!
CARROT ASS
Here's my impression of Robert De Niro.
Hey, youse. Youse guys. Shut up, youse!
MS. CRABTREE
YOU SUUCK!!
CARROT ASS
Youse guys, shut up!
MS. CRABTREE
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!
CARROT ASS
Come on, lady. Iii love you. You love
me.
MS. CRABTREE
I SAAIID, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!
TALENT SCOUT
Baby, you're wonderful! You're a natural!
You're the funniest comic I've seen
in yeauhs!
MS. CRABTREE
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP.
I'VE GOT TO GET SOME ASSISTANCE FOR
MY BROKEN-DOWN BUUSS!!
TALENT SCOUT
Broken-down bus! That's great! Great
angle!
[Night time at the precipice]
STAN
Do you see 'er dude?
KYLE
Nope.
CARTMAN
God-dammit, how long is this goin' to
take?
BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
She's never coming back. Don't you get
it? She left us here to die like pigs.
KYLE
Calm down, dude. You're upsetting Kenny.
KENNY
(Huh?)
BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
I can't take it anymore! I have to get
out of here!
STAN
No, kid! You heard what Ms. Crabtree
said: there's a big black scary monster
out there!
BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and
wait to die with the rest of you! If
I can make it back, ah-I'll send help.
KYLE
Don't do it, kid.
[the kid hops off the bus and the rest of the class goes over
to the left side of the bus to see him off]
STAN
Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up
that stuff about the big black monster.
[the boy turns around and smiles. The bushes behind him rustle.
The kids look stunned as the monster comes out of the trees and
traps the boy]
BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
Nooooo-agh!
KYLE
Holy crap, dude!
[the monster turns and scurries away. The precipice is quiet
for a while before the boy's skeleton is tossed back. It lands
on one of the bus windows and slowly slides down, leaving some
blood. The kids jump back and run around confused.]
BEBE
Down!
STAN
Well, I guess nobody else will be getting
off the bus.
[South Park, the next day. Liane Cartman prepares some Cookie
Dings dough for baking, and the phone rings]
LIANE
Hello?
SHARON
Oh, hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon,
Stan's mother.
LIANE
Oh yes, Sharon. How are you?
SHARON
Ms. Cartman, is your son at home?
LIANE
Hu-old on, dear, let me check. Hon,
I made beefy logs. I made Cookie Dings.
No, he's not here.
SHARON
Well, now I am worried. I've tried all
the houses and nobody knows where they
are.
LIANE
Oh, dear!
[Denver]
TALENT SCOUT
I'm telling you, Marty, this woman is
a natural! I haven't seen a funnier
person since Maury Povich.
MARTY
What's her angle?
TALENT SCOUT
I can't even explain it. You have to
see it.
MARTY
Alright. Well, this better be good.
TALENT SCOUT
Come on in, come on in.
MS. CRABTREE
WHUAT THE HELL DID YOU BRING ME TO DENVER
FOR, YOU BRAIN-DEPRAVED FECOPHILIAC?!
TALENT SCOUT
Mr. Jonus, this is Mrs. Crabtree.
MARTY
Pleasure to meet you.
MS. CRABTREE
YOU LOOK LIKE A LUMP OF DOGSHIT JUST
GOT HIT BY A CAR!!
TALENT SCOUT
What did I tell you?
MARTY
She's fantastic. How would you like
to make a million dollars, baby?
MS. CRABTREE
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY ASS?!
MARTY
Let's get started right away.
TRUCK DRIVER
Are you gonna be all right?
MS. CRABTREE
DON'T TOUCH ME!
TRUCK DRIVER
Uh ah-I'm sorry. Do you need anything?
MS. CRABTREE
No. I just…
TRUCK DRIVER
What?
MS. CRABTREE
I can't help but feel that I've forgotten
somethin'.
[Another night at the precipice]
STAN
What time is it?
KENNY
(Almost 7:30)
KYLE
On Wednesday or Thursday?
STAN
Dude, I think it's Saturday now.
CARTMAN
What?! I'm missing the new Fantasy Island.
KYLE
Aw man, I don't think it's very safe
to be on this bus.
STAN
Well, we can't go anywhere or else that
big scary monster outside will get us.
CARTMAN
What do you think it is?
STAN
I don't know, it's- a big scary monster.
KYLE
Hey. Maybe it's that thing, Scuzzlebutt.
STAN
What?
KYLE
Don't you remember? That time we were
out hunting with your uncle Jimbo and
Ned.
KYLE'S TALE
BOYS
Aaaaaa!
JIMBO
The lava's comin' right for us!
CARTMAN
Heellp!
[the lava is charging down the hill, and the boys, Jimbo, and
Ned have reached the trench. Scuzzlebutt appears, and they stare
in awe]
JIMBO
Jimminy Hope, it's the real Scuzzlebutt!
CARTMAN
What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?!
KYLE
Oh my God! Look at his leg!
BRENT MUSBERGER
Hi kids, I'm TV's Brent Musberger.
KYLE
Dude! He got Brent Musberger for a leg!
ALL
Aaaa!
JIMBO
Quick Ned, shoot it!
NED
Mmm. Oh no, out of ammo.
STAN
Hey, look!
SCUZZLEBUTT
Grrrr.
KYLE
Dude! He's making ice cream.
CARTMAN
Scuzzlebutt kicks ass!
KYLE
Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.
STAN
Okay, so we can agree that the monster
outside can't be Scuzzlebutt, because
Scuzzlebutt's nice.
CARTMAN
Hey. Maybe it's our teacher, Mr. Garrison.
KYLE
Don't be stupid, Cartman. Our teacher
wouldn't be out lying in the forest
waiting to kill us!
CARTMAN
Oh no? Don't you remember the time he
went crazy, and tried to kill Kathie
Lee Gifford?
CARTMAN'S TALE
MAYOR
Here she comes!
MR. GARRISON
Come on you little bitch.
MAYOR
It is with great pride and honor that
I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee
Gifford to South Park.
KATHIE LEE
Thank you.
STAN
Mr. Garrison, stop!
MR. GARRISON
Leave us. We must finish what we have
begun.
WENDY
But Mr. Garrison!
MR. GARRISON
She's not really Kathie Lee Gifford.
She's some kinda alien.
KATHIE LEE
Thank you. And I love you all.
[a shot pierces the bubble and enters Kathie Lee's head. The
crowd gasps as she holds her head. She rips it open to reveal
a vicious little green alien]
ALIEN
Naawwr!
MR. GARRISON
See, I told ya.
WENDY
Mmmm.
THE MAYOR
Wow, this is gonna put a damper on
the day. Let's have ice cream, everyone!
CARTMAN
Beefcaake!
CARTMAN
Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.
STAN
But the monster outside couldn't be
Mr. Garrison, 'cause Mr. Garrison used
a gun.
CARTMAN
Oh, yeah.
[BURBANK, NBC STUDIOS, 11
35 p.m.]
ANNOUNCER
Live from Burbank, it's The Tonight
Show, with Jay Leno. Tonight, Jay's
special guests imclude: Washed-up Actress
from a sitcom. And the comedy of Mrs.
Crabtree. And now, here's your host,
Jay Leno.
TALENT SCOUT
Just relax, sweetheart, you're gonna
kill out there.
MS. CRABTREE
KILL WHO?!
TALENT SCOUT
Huh that's great. Use that.
TRUCK DRIVER
Honey du-, do you need anything?
MS. CRABTREE
JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE OF THEM ROOFIES.
TRUCK DRIVER
Sure.
[Mr. Mackey's office. A crowd of people is gathered in there
with Mr. Mackey]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh oh okay? Let's try to calm down,
nkay? This type of thing happens all
the time.
SHARON
What do ya mean?! How often does an
entire third-grade class go missing?!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, 99% of the time, when a child
is missing, it's because they've run
away. Mkay?
SHARON
Run away?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oy, I knew I shouldn't have made Kyle
eat that gefukahukah.
RANDY
How do we get our runaway children back?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, we just need to make some posters,
nkay? Hand out brochures, onkay? That
way, the public can know what the chldren
look like and can call in if thry're
spotted, nkay?
SHARON
Let's get started right away! They could
be halfway to L. A. by now.
KYLE'S MOTHER
It's only a matter of time before they're
selling their bodies and buying smack.
[About town. An insistent tune plays. Posters of the missing
kids are going up everywhere. Gerald pins a picture of Kyle on
a tree, and Randy tapes one of Stan on a light post]
MAN 1
Come on, everybody!
MAN 2
We've got to find those kids!
MAN 1
If we all put our heads together, we
can find them!
MAN 2
We can do it!
[Liane is in a bikini passing out pictures of Eric. This draws
men, young and old, from all around.]
MAN 3
Hi.
[On a wall are pictures of, from left to right, Bebe, Clyde,
Stan, Kyle, Macaulay, Pip,…]
[Midnight on the precipice. The bus rocks slowly and with a loud
thud]
STAN
What was that?
KYLE
What was what?
STAN
Dude, I think the scary monster is right
outside the bus!
KYLE
What could it be? If only we knew what
we were up against.
KENNY
(Hey you guys. Remember when Terrance
and Phillip was off the air?)
KYLE
Hey yeah, I remember that.
KENNY
(All I know is that it was a loong time
ago, and Death was chasing us on a bicycle
down the street.)
KENNY'S TALE
KIDS
Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!
GRAMPA
Come back here you pompousy son of
a pansy!
KIDS
Aaaah!
KYLE
Don't let him touch you! You die if
he touches you!
GRAMPA
Come over here you son of a whore!
[Everyone passes the electronics store without stopping to see
Terrance and Phillip. Death is about to touch Kenny when Kenny
decides to defend his life]
KENNY
(Take… that!) (And that, that is for
me, and that, that and that, that and
that, that, that, that!)
STAN
Oh my God! Kenny- killed… death!
KYLE
You… bastard.
KENNY
(Heheheh. Now that's what I-he call
a sticky situation!)
STAN
Yeah, but the monster outside couldn't
be Death, because Death only touches
you, it doesn't eat you.
KENNY
(Oh, yeah)
KYLE
Well, who really cares what that monster
is outside? As long as we stay on the
bus, it can't hurt us. Right?
KIDS
AAAAH!
KENNY
(Uh oh. Hey uh, you guys! Help me doooowwwwnnnn!
Heeyy, you guuuuyyyyys!)
STAN
Oh my God, it's killing Kenny!
KYLE
You bastard!
STAN
Hoh boy, we're in big trouble.
CARTMAN
Hey you guys. Can we order a pizza?
[back at The Tonight Show, Ms. Cartman's segment has just started]
MS. CRABTREE
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL STARIN' AT?!
STOP LAUGHING, YOU WHORES!! I SAID,
SHUT UP!!
JAY LENO
Let's hear it for Ms. Crabtree. What
an up-and-comer!
TRUCK DRIVER
Well. That was great, ma'am.
MS. CRABTREE
Was it? Does it even matter?
TRUCK DRIVER
Wwhat do ya mean?
MS. CRABTREE
Success is hollow, Mitch, hollow like
a dead tree. I think it's time for me
to give it up.
TRUCK DRIVER
Are you sure?
MS. CRABTREE
Ah-I'm sure. Let's get a cup of coffee.
[Daytime. The sun is shining into the bus through the roof]
CARTMAN
I wonder when the monster is gonna come
back to feed again?
KYLE
We've just gotta stick together.
STAN
Yeah. There's got to be a way out of
this.
CARTMAN
Hay, wait a minute.
STAN
What?
CARTMAN
Remember the time when Fonzie jumped
over the buses with his motorcycle?
HAPPY DAYS [Armold's at night. Every kid of driving age shows
up to see Fonzie jump the buses. Two of his many admiring girls
get him ready for the jump, then walk away. The Fonz revs up
the bike]
JOANIE CUNNINGHAM
Go, Fonzie!
FONZIE
Eeeeyyyy!
CARTMAN
You can do it, Fonzie.
STAN
We believe in you, Fonz.
FONZIE
Eeeeyyyy!
KENNY
(Hey, that freakin' bike-!)
FONZIE
Eeyy!
STAN
Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards!
CARTMAN
Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.
Uheheheh, heh.
STAN
You dumbass, Cartman! That's not the
way it happened!
KYLE
Yeah, dude! Kenny just died eight hours
ago from that monster! How could he
have died back then, too?
CARTMAN
Oh yeah, I guess that doesn't make
sense.
STAN
Oh no!
KIDS
Aaaah!
KYLE
What are we gonna do?
KIDS
Aaaah!
STAN
Now we need more weight in the back.
No, that's too much!
KYLE
There. I think we got it.
STAN
I don't know how much longer we can
keep this up, dude.
KYLE
Don't worry. Everything's gonna work
out. It always does.
CARTMAN
It does?
KYLE
Sure. Remember that time that that kid
in the red shirt decided to go off on
his own?
The Ensign [Two nights ago. The kid in the red shirt decides
not to wait for help to come, but to go and look for help himself]
BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and
wait to die with the rest of you! If
I can make it back, ah-I'll send help.
KYLE
Don't do it, kid.
[the kid hops off the bus and the rest of the class goes over
to the left side of the bus to see him off]
STAN
Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up
that stuff about the big black monster.
[the boy turns around and smiles. The bushes behind him rustle.
The kids look stunned as the monster comes out of the trees and
traps the boy]
BOY IN THE RED SHIRT
Nooooo-agh!
KYLE
Holy crap, dude! Hey look! He's got
ice cream!
KIDS
Hooray! Yea! Aaah! Yea! Ha ha.
KYLE
Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.
[A marsh. Ms. Crabtree and the truck driver are enjoying a quiet
moment]
MS. CRABTREE
Wow, this is gorgeous. I don't think
I've ever seen anything so beautiful.
TRUCK DRIVER
From a distance, this place looks like
a cold, damp marsh. But once you get
inside it, you realize that it has
an inner beauty, far surpassing others.
Thank you for sharing your time with
me, Ms. Crabtree.
MS. CRABTREE
Please. Call me Muffin.
TRUCK DRIVER
I'm having a nice time, Muffin.
MS. CRABTREE
Me too, Marcus. I've forgotten all about
my cares in the world.
[The precipice. All her cares are still waiting for someone to
rescue them.]
CARTMAN
Aw damn, man. Now I'm missing the new
Barnaby Jones.
KYLE
Hey. Ms. Crabtree had that little TV,
for the trainng video? Maybe we can
watch TV on it.
STAN
Hey yeah!
TOM
…And all over America, kids are turning
to the streets and running away. Tonight,
a very special message from the parents
of some runaway children, in hopes that
their young will hear their cries.
RANDY
Hello, Stanley. It's me, Poppa. Gosh,
your mother and I miss ya. And I hope
that… wherever you may be, you'll hear
this message.
Little lamb, you're lost in the great big world
Runaway, findin' streets so cold
KYLE
Du-hude! Your dad's a retard!
KYLE'S FATHER
Please come home, Kyle.
You left home lookin' for somethin' new. [Kyle is really embarrassed]
But all you need is right here waitin' for you [the kids laugh
at Kyle]
THE PARENTS
Runaway, come home. We love you just
as you are.
# RUNAWAY, COME HOME. WE'RE SORRY THINGS WENT THIS FAR. [THERE ARE TWELVE ADULTS PRESENT
The Marshes, the Broflovskis, the McCormicks,
Liane Cartman, Mr. Garrison (!), Kevin's
mother, and three unidentified adults.
One of them seems to be the ice cream
man from Cartman's flashback.]
STAN
Dude, did it ever occur to them to just
look for us?
CLYDE
I hope my dad doesn't sing.
CARTMAN
Hey! Do you guys remember the time I
found out who my father was?
STAN
Boy, do I!
Carman's Father [from Cartman's Mom is a Hermaphrodite All the
men are gathered at Mephesto's room in Hell's Pass Hospital.
The boys and Liane are also there]
MEPHESTO
Oh. As I said before, the father is
somebody in this room. The father is…
John Elway.
CARTMAN
Sweeeeeett!
JOHN ELWAY
Uh oh.
CARTMAN
This kicks ass, you guys! John Elway
is my father!
My father is John Elway, my father is John Elway
Deedun, Deedun.
JOHN ELWAY
Come on, son. I'll buy you some ice
cream.
CARTMAN
Now, that's what I call a sti-
KYLE
Wait a minute. I though your father
was your mother 'cause she had a penis.
CARTMAN
What?! Eeyy, you son of a bitch! I'll
kick you in the nuts!
STAN
Cartman, no!
KIDS
Aaaaaa!
STAN
The bus is going over!
Kyle Oh no!
KIDS
Aaaaa. Aaaaaaa.
A KID
It looks like somebody's going to fall
off the buuss!
[the kid with the aviator cap tries to hang on to a seat, but
loses his grip and falls through the back window screaming. The
bus snaps in two, and the front end comes down. A second later,
both parts of the bus slip into the steep canyon.]
KIDS
Aaaaa!
[The scene is shown again, but this time the bus falls into a
giant bucket of]
Super
Chocolaty Chunky
Funk Chip
Surprise
ICE CREAM
[The kids are strewn all over the place once again.]
STAN
Hey! We've landed in ice cream!
KIDS
Hooray!
CARTMAN
Wait, wait wait wait. This doesn't make
sense. This whole thing doesn't make
any sense. I must be-
[Cartman's bedroom]
CARTMAN
Deah, eh eh. Oh man, what a weird
dream!
LIANE
Ah-are you okay, hon?
CARTMAN
Ma? I just dreamt that me and Stan and
Kyle and Kenny were trapped on our bus,
and we were talking about everything
that happened to us, except that it
was all wrong and everything ended with
us eating ice cream.
LIANE
Oh. Well. Wwould you like some beetles
for breakfast?
CARTMAN
Yes, please.
LIANE
Mmmm.
CARTMAN
Mmmm. Mmmm.
LIANE
Mmmm. Beetles are good with ice cream.
[Stan's bedroom. Stan is asleep]
STAN
GAAA-uh. Ugh. Oh, dude. What a nightmare.
KYLE
Hello?
STAN
Dude, I just had the weirdest dream.
KYLE
Really?
STAN
Yeah, I dreamt that Cartman dreamt that
we were all trapped on a bus, and then
he dreamt that we were talking about
things that had happened, only they
were all wrong, and, and then he and
his mother ate beetles.
KYLE
Dude. That's a pretty fucked up dream.
STAN
Yeah, I must be having some real emotional
problems.
KYLE
Hey. Me and Cartman and Kenny are going
down to Happy Burger. Do you wanna come?
STAN
Sure. I definitely don't wanna sleep
anymore. See you later.
[The marsh. Cartman's dream has a life of its own and is self-aware,
like a holodeck program gone awry. A frog croaks]
MS. CRABTREE
I want to thank you for making me feel
alive again, Marcus.
TRUCK DRIVER
Mms. Crabtree?
MS. CRABTREE
What is it? What's wrong?
TRUCK DRIVER
You realize I can't stay. None of this
is real: it's… it's all been a little
eight-year old's dream
MS. CRABTREE
Oh I know. I know, Marcus. But let me
just pretend as long as I can.
TRUCK DRIVER
Sure.
[End of City On The Edge Of Forever. "Runaway, Come Home" plays]
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