"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 205
"CONJOINED FETUS LADY"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman
[South Park Elementary Gym]
CHEF
Okay, children, it's Friday, and you
know what that means for PE class. We're
gonna play dodgeball!
KYLE
We don't wanna play dodgeball. It hurts.
STAN
Yeah.
CHEF
So let's have half the children on this
side and half the children on that
side
PIP
Uuh. Excuse me a moment, gentlemen.
I don't believe I know how to play dodgeball.
CARTMAN
What? Don't you have dodgeball in France?
PIP
Well, no. And actually, I'm not from
France-
STAN
Look, Pip, the rules are simple. A kid
from that team is gonna try to bean
a kid on our team in the head with a
big red ball.
PIP
Oh, dear.
STAN
If the ball hits you, you're out, but
if you catch the ball, he's out, and
the last team to still have anybody
standing wins.
PIP
Oh, what jolly good fun!
KYLE
No it isn't, it hurts! I can't believe
they let us play this in school.
[THE TEAMS ARE AS FOLLOWS
TEAM 1
Kyle, Clyde, Kenny, Stan, Cartman, Pip,
Jordan, Swanson, and one other
TEAM 2
Bill, Fosse, Kevin, Bebe, and five others]
CHEF
Play ball!
CLYDE
Ow! Ahow-ow-ooooowww!
STAN
Dammit, we lost one already!
CHEF
Aheeheh, you're out, Clyde! Heheheh.
STAN
Jordan, Swanson, pull forward! We need
backup!
JORDAN
Aaaaah!
STAN
We're losing men fast out here!
CHEF
Concentrate on your ge-hame! Be the
buhaw-hall!
KYLE
I caught it! I caught it!
CHEF
Great catch, Kyle! Now your team's on
offense!
KYLE
Here, Pip. You throw.
PIP
Ugh. On, no, I couldn't.
KYLE
Come on, limey, don't be a wuss! Are
you just gonna be a little French pig
your whole life?
PIP
I'm not French-
KYLE
Throw the ball, you stupid frog! God-damn,
maybe if you didn't eat all those croissants
, you'd be able to thr-ow!
CHEF
Okay, that was pretty good, Pip. But
you're supposed to hit the kids on the
other team.
KYLE
Ow, my nose! You broke my nose!
CARTMAN
Damn, Pip. I didn't know you had it
in you.
PIP
Ogh! I'm dreadfully sorry!
CHEF
That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle.
I think you might have to go to the
nurse's office.
KYLE
No. No, it'll be okay!
CHEF
Sorry, son. You'll have to let the nurse
look at it. Come on
KYLE
Oh. Noooo!
CARTMAN
Dude! He's going to the nurse's office.
CLYDE
I heard the school nurse is hideously
deformed.
BEBE
I heard she has tentacles and eats children
for lunch.
CARTMAN
Stan? Has anybody actually seen the
nurse, and come back to tell about it?
STAN
No, Cartman. Nobody ever has.
[Nurse's Office. Kyle's shadow is on the window. He waits with
his hand on his nose. He sees a mouse nibble at some cheese and
run away. He looks up, and a door epens.]
Nurse Gollum
[Kyle looks and shuts his eyes tight]
NURSE GOLLUM
Are you Kyle Broflovski?
KYLE
Ye-yes.
NURSE GOLLUM
I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt your
nose?
KYLE
Ye- yes.
NURSE GOLLUM
Young man, Why do you have your eyes
closed? I'm not gonna hurt you.
KYLE
I know.
NURSE GOLLUM
So open them.
KYLE
Oh. Phew.
NURSE GOLLUM
Now, what seems to be the problem?
KYLE
Aw, I just hit my nose playing dodgeball.
NURSE GOLLUM
Oh. Well, I'll get you an ice pack.
KYLE
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
NURSE GOLLUM
What?
KYLE
OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH my God!
NURSE GOLLUM
Oh. I see you've noticed my disorder.
I have a stillborn fetus growth attached
to my head.
KYLE
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
[After school, at Kyle's house. The boys are there to listen
to Kyle's story]
KYLE
…And when she moved up and down, the
little fetus jiggled.
THE OTHERS
Eewwww!
CARTMAN
Did it talk? The little fetus, did it
talk?
KYLE
No. No-it looked dead.
THE OTHERS
Eewwww!
STAN
Wa- was it wearing clothes?
KYLE
Dude, where is she gonna get fetus
clothes?
STAN
Oh, yeah. Eeww.
THE OTHERS
Eewwww!
KYLE
And then she walked over to-
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle! That is enough! I've been reading
up on your poor nurse's condition, and
it is nothing to be made fun of. It's
called 'conjoined twin myslexia!'
FREAKS!
A - Z
CARTMAN
Who the hell cares what it's called,
as long as she doesn't have to touch
me.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Now, that's just the kind of unawareness
that we need to fight against. Sit down,
boys. You see boys, sometimes, when
babies are born, they're born as twins.
But sometimes the twins get hooked together,
and they're born as Siamese twins.
The Boys Gross!
KYLE'S MOTHER
But sometimes, after the Siamese twins
are joined together, one of the twins
dies before birth. The living baby is
born with the dead baby still attached.
Sometimes, this dead twin is inside
the living person, so even you could
have a dead twin inside you and not
even know it!
STAN
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
CARTMAN
AAAAA! Let me live! AAAAA!
KYLE'S MOTHER
So now that you're educated about her
disease, you won't need to make fun
of her. Right, bubbe?
KYLE
Uuuuuh. Yeah.
[The dining room. Sheila serves dinner to Gerald as he reads
the newspaper]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?
KYLE'S FATHER
Mm-hmm.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Feeling like an outcast? Being ridiculed
every day?
KYLE'S FATHER
Mm-hmm.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Hello?
SHARON
Hello, Sheila? It's Sharon, Stan's mother.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, yes. Hello, Sharon.
SHARON
Uh-Sheila, I was just wondering if you
might know why my son is trying to split
his head open with an ice pick?
STAN
No! I have to get it out!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well, Sharon, I was just trying to educate
them about conjoined twin myslexia.
SHARON
So this is your fault.
STAN
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
RANDY
Damn it, stop. Oh! Damm it!
SHARON
Would you do me a favor? Next time you
want to scare the hell out of my child,
just go outside and sit in the road
until a truck runs you over instead?
KYLE'S MOTHER
That does it! I must educate the entire
town about this awful disease!
KYLE'S FATHER
Mm-hmm.
[South Park Elementary Gym]
STAN
Dude, I don't get it. Why are we playing
dodgeball again?
CARTMAN
Yeah. I thought we only played on Fridays.
CHEF
Children! Great news! We've been asked
to play in the State Finals for dodgeball!
ALL
Groan.
STAN
Aw, do we have to?
KYLE
Can't we just play with that big parachute
again or something?
CHEF
You-you don't understand, children.
If we can win State, we can play in
the Nationals in Washington, D.C.!
CARTMAN
Heyh! They have a zoo there!
CHEF
That's right! Now, come on! We have
a lot of practicing to do!
STAN
Aren't we supposed to have won something
in order to go to State Finals?
KYLE
Hey, Pip. Do you wanna be on my team
again?
PIP
I'd love to!
CARTMAN
Now, let's try not to send anyone to
that monster nurse this time, Frenchy.
PIP
Hey! I get quite disturbed when you
call me that! You shouldn't make fun
of foreigners! And besides, I hate
French people!
[Principal Victoria's office. She's meeting with Mr. Mackey and
Sheila]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Wwell, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly
is a thrill seeing your cheery face
again. What seems to be pissing you
off today?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Nothing is pissing me off! I jsut wanta
start a movement.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Yah-of course you do!
KYLE'S MOTHER
I want to talk to you all about your
school nurse.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh. Nurse Gollum is absolutely qualified
to be a-
KYLE'S MOTHER
No, no no. I'm not upset about her.
I want to make the public aware of her.
Her disease should be brought to light
so that it can be understood rather
than made fun of.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh. And uh what disease is that?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollum
has conjoined twin myslexia.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
What's that?
KYLE'S MOTHER
She has a dead fetus attached to her
head.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
She does?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yeah-uh. You never noticed that?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
No-o, I never did.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well, that's exactly what I'm talking
about. This poor woman is forced to
live in the shadows because she feels
like an outcast. It is up to us to make
her feel comf'table and welcome in our
town!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Did you say a fetus, sticking out from
her head?
KYLE'S MOTHER
I want to invite your nurse to a dinner
party at my house this evening. I'd
appreciate it if both you and Mr. Mackey
would attend.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Do we have to eat kosher stuff?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollum, but
I'm sure she'll be delighted. Let's
say around 8?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Wonderful!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Now, you did say she has a fetus on
her head?
[A mountain road. The class is on its way to the State Finals]
DENVER
45 MILES
CHEF
Okay children. Now, who's gonna win
the State Finals?
CLYDE
Denver?
CHEF
Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh!
Unh!
# HERE WE GO CA-OWS, HERE WE GO
Unh! Unh!
I think we need to get off on this exit.
MRS. CRABTREE
SIT DOWN, KID!!
CHEF
But it's quicker to get to the Denver
school that way!
MRS. CRABTREE
DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!
CHEF
How mant times do I have to explain
this to you?! I'm not a student! You
can't give me an office referral, and-!
MRS. CRABTREE
I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!
CHEF
Yes, ma'am.
DENVER ELEMENTARY
[The kids arrive]
STAN
Whoa! Dude! This is a school?
DODGEBALL
STATE
FINALS
[the crowd is cheering. Cows fans are scattered among the crowd]
BOB THOMAS
Hello, there. I'm Bob Thomas, the coach
for the Denver Cougars.
CHEF
I'm Chef, coach of the South Park Cows.
BOB THOMAS
Welll, I certainly want to thank you
for bringing your team down. Apparently,
nobody else would play us because they
knew we'd just beat 'em silly. Soo,
I told the school board to find me some
hick school from the mountains, and
here you are! You're from South Park,
yeah?
CHEF
Yeah.
BOB THOMAS
My G-hod, amazing where people can live
nowadays. Well, we might as well get
this over with; we've gotta start thinking
about D.C. Promise we won't make it
too painful.
REFEREE
Play ball!
[Dinner at the Broflovski house. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey,
and Nurse Gollum are there, with her conjoined fetus out of view]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Ehso-uuuh where did you get your degree,
Nurse Gollum?
NURSE GOLLUM
Colorado State.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Aaaaah.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh.
KYLE'S FATHER
Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus?
I mean, gravy. OW!
[Denver Elementary. The Cougars are serving. Player 1 throws
the ball]
BLACK BOY
Ow!
CHEF
Dammit, Come on! Somebody catch the
ball!
BOB THOMAS
Alright, boys, jsut five more of the
little bastards to go.
CARTMAN
I caught it, I caught it!
PLAYER 1
Oh, that's not fair. He's so fat, it
stuck in his belly.
REFEREE 2
South Park on offense!
CHEF
Great job, children! Just stay focused
now
KYLE
Go for it, Pip.
PIP
Oh, bother.
KYLE
Come on, you Frenchy little frog!
PIP
Gaaah!
CHEF
Whoahohoho! Great shot, Pip!
[back at dinner]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Ehsooo, I-ee hear that the South Park
Cows are playing for the State Finals
in dodgeball tonight.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yeah, but you know, it-it doesn't matter
though, the- the Denver team always
wins, okay?
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, I don't know. I think our boys might
just have the dead fetus to win-heart!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Gerald! Keep your damn mouth shut!
NURSE GOLLUM
Ih-it's okay, Ms. Broflovski. Really.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Please forgive us. Ah-I'm terribly
sorry, Nurse Gollum.
NURSE GOLLUM
No, I'm quite secure with it.
KYLE'S MOTHER
I have felt so bad ever since I heard
the boys making fun of you-
NURSE GOLLUM
They're just young boys. Joking is a
way for them to come to terms with what
they don't understand.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Could I get some more pork?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
So did you ever think of just, you know,
having it cut off?
NURSE GOLLUM
Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought
had occurred to me. Unfortunately, it
would mean my death.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Ooohh, so I suppose that's out. Uhow
about a hat, then?
NURSE GOLLUM
No, really, I don't need a-
KYLE'S MOTHER
Yes, we could get you a few hats and
wear a different one every day. No big
whoop!
NURSE GOLLUM
I- really- appreciate what you're trying
to do here, but it's not necessary.
I'm- a pretty happy person.
KYLE'S MOTHER
I've got it! We could set aside a whole
week to make the public aware of folks
just like you
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oooohh, yeess, a Conjoined Twin Myslexia
Awareness Week. You know, that has a
nice ring-
NURSE GOLLUM
But I really don't think-
COUNSELOR MACKEY
The- the school could put out pamphlets,
mkay? And we could have seminars to
educate, mkay?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Ooooh, this is so exciting! I'm gonna
get the mayor on the phone right now!
[Dodgeball State Finals]
CHEF
You got just one more, Pip. You get
this kid, and we are State Champions.
CARTMAN
Yeah. And if you don't, you're a big
dumbass European hippie piece of crap!
KYLE
Get him, Frenchy!
PIP
Gaaah!
REFEREE 2
South Park wins!
CHEF
We did it, children, we did it! We're
going to Washington, D.C.!
PLAYER 6
Uh-hu-hu-hu-howieee! Ihit hurhurts!
Howieee! Mommy, it huurts! Ihit hurhurts!
CHEF
Oh. Sorry about whuppin' your ass there,
Coach.
Ooo, baby, come on.
Just whup Denver's ass!
Gonna need some cream for your ass, because
We're winnin' there…
# [he dances, and shows off his butt several times. He also turns
to make sure Coach Thomas is watching]
[South Park Town Sqaure]
THE MAYOR
Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed
a great week for South Park. Miss Hermans
has opened the east wing of the library,
and our own South Park Cows Elementary
School dodgeball team is going to the
national finals! Where they will undoubtably
be beaten senseless by the Washington
team. But most importantly, this week
has brought to my attention a very serious
and dreaded disease. Conjoined Twin
Myslexia. And so it is in honor of this
that I declare this exciting week as
Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week! And now,
let's kick off our weeklong festivities
with the first Annual Grand Conjoined
Parade! Let's hear it for these brave
souls! What a glorious parade that
was! Let's hear it for the parade coordinators!
NURSE GOLLUM
You know, Mayor, I really should be
accompanying those kids to Washington
in case they get hurt. That is my job.
THE MAYOR
Nonsense. This is your week. You aren't
going anywhere.
[Somewhere near Washngton, D.C. The bus is going through a lovely
meadow]
CHEF
How much further is Washington, D.C.?
MRS. CRABTREE
SIT DOWN, KID!!
CHEF
I need to know how far it is, lady!
MRS. CRABTREE
I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!
CHEF
Yeah, whatever, you old, dried-up,
fat ho.
MRS. CRABTREE
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!
CHEF
Ah-I said, 'I've always wanted to visit
Prague.'
MRS. CRABTREE
D'ogh. Me too.
STAN
Okay, what have you got?
KYLE
Some hackuh fish, some gefaggah-
CARTMAN
I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly roll!
STAN
Sweet! Jelly roll is perfect! Places!
MRS. CRABTREE
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
THE KIDS
Whoa!
KENNY
(Sheesh!)
[A tourist sees the bus coming his way and tries to get out of
the way, but the bus crashes into the Vietnam Memorial's right
wall, and the engine bursts into flames. He was thrown to one
side. The right wall drops down three feet, taking the front
end of the bus with it and raising the back of the bus off the
ground five feet. Both front doors fall off]
[At Grant Elementary's Gym. Championship banners going back to
1987 hang from the rafters. Posters line the walls]
CHEF
Damn, man. This is the big time, alright.
STAN
Chef, we're hungry.
CHEF
You can eat after the game! You children
win this one, and you're National Champions!
Then you can go on and play the Chinese.
CARTMAN
My mom says there's a lot of black people
in China.
CHEF
What?
REFEREE
Are you Chef?
CHEF
Yeah.
REFEREE
The Washington team has forfeited the
game. Congratulations, you're national
champions.
CHEF
What? We did it! Children, we won!
KYLE
Wow! That was easy.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a round
of applause for the new national champions
of dodgeball! The South Park Cows!
KYLE
Hey. Why did you guys forfeit?
PLAYER
You mean, you don't know?
KYLE
Know what?
PLAYER
Last year's national champions were
the Austin Pirates. They played China
for the world championship. Only four
of them came back alive. Chinese dodgeball
players aren't like us.
MASTER
Bush langli. Woon taun. Waya ching gia!
PLAYER
They do nothing but dodgeball, day in,
and day out. They use steroids and advanced
training equipment to make them, not
kids, but animals. Well, good luck.
We've got our futures to think about.
CHEF
Okay, children. Back in the bus.
[South Park City Hall. Many people are seated at table waiting
for the evening's events to unfold]
THE MAYOR
And so, at this honorary dinner we take
a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollum
and the brave life she has lived. Roll
the tape, please, Mr. Garrison.
NURSE GOLLUM
Oh, no!
PICTURES OF
COURAGE
A FILM BY
MR. GARRISON
SINGER
You've got the strength, you've got
the courage
Even with a dead fetus on your head
Carry on! Fight for tomorrow!
Dead fetus or no, you never let go!
You're my conjoined-twin, dead-thing-hanging-off-your-head woman
# The Scenes she's painting her house orange, and annoyed that
Garrison is filming it
# she looks out the window, and is annoyed that he is still there,
filming
# she's in her office
# she's at the supermarket
# annoyed, she's trying to cover the camera lens so Garrison
would stop filming
# at the post office, she's trying to shoo him away
# She's very angry that he's filming her
# Now we see why. She's on the toilet, and she clamps her legs
shut, with hands before them for added security. She's outraged
[there are sobs here and there, a smattering of applause]
BARBRADY
Oh, that was so touching!
THE MAYOR
Hand now, friends, hit's time to present
the Lifetime Conjoined Twin Achievement
Award. This award goes to outstanding
conjoined twins who have made a mark
on society. And the winner is
NURSE GOLLUM
Nurse Gollum.
THE MAYOR
Nurse Gollum!!
NURSE GOLLUM
Oh boy.
JIMBO
Excuse me, Mayor, but I just received
some news that you might all be interested
in. Our South Park Cows have jsut beaten
the Washington dodgeball team, and are
on their way to the world championship
in China.
[Somewhere near China. The bus is going down a slope]
CHEF
Okay, children. Now, we're almost to
China! I want you all to try and focus
on your game.
STAN
But Chef, we don't wanna play the Chinese!
CHEF
Nonsense! If we win this one, we're
world champions!
KYLE
But we could get killed!
CHEF
And just what price would you pay for
eternal glory? Just imagine: a big
yellow Dodgeball Champions banner hanging
in the cafeteria! Imagine it!
STAN
Dude, Chef has lost it.
CHEF
You'll be in the news all over the world.
South Park will finally have a sport
that it's good at. Oooh, children. It'll
be glorious.
CARTMAN
Sure! Captain Ahab has to get his whale,
huh?
KYLE
Dude, what does that mean?
CARTMAN
I dunno.
STAN
Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese?
KYLE
Yeah. You're from China.
KEVIN
No, I'm from America. My parents are
Chinese.
STAN
Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball!
KEVIN
I have no idea, dude.
CARTMAN
Come on, rice-picker!
CHEF
Hey, hey hey! Children, that's not
cool! You don't make fun of somebody
because of their ethnicity!
STAN
You don't?
KYLE
But Chef, you just ripped on Chinese
people.
CHEF
Nonononono. That's different. I made
fun of them because they are from China.
You see, it's not okay to make fun of
an American because they're black, brown,
or whatever, but it is okay to make
fun of foreigners because they are from
another country.
STAN, KYLE
Oooooh.
CARTMAN
Oooh, I get it.
KEVIN
Yeah.
[The bus has reached the temple. On the side is a banner that
reads]
GO COWS!
MRS. CRABTREE
Haaaaaaaaa!
SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
Hiit ita wita great pride, that huwe
huwelcome ourn American friends. Now
let the champions of dodgeball be deshide!
STAN
Damn, dude, China's fucked up!
REFEREE
Take places!
CHEF
All right. Let's go, Cows! Let's show
'em what we've got.
SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
Okay, Kam, rooks rike a-mericans are
getting ready to play. I don't suppose
they'll have any problems seeing the
ball with their BIG American eyes.
KAM
Yeah. Good thing they have those uh
big eyes so that they don't have to
rery on that amazing American interect.
SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
Oh, you bet that stings!
KAM
I can shing 'em.
REFEREE
Praaayyy Brar!
CHEF
Holy crap. God-dahamn!
SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
Hey, hey! What do you call white American
person wit Ph.D. in a physics anda math?
KAM
Ah. I don't know. Rwat?
SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
Stupid American!
KAM
Aw! No, wait!
[A Chinese player takes aim at Cartman, who turns and runs away
squealing. The ball gets him anyway, and he tumbles away]
SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
Oooh, another American is down! It's
numberrrr, aaahhhm. Oh, I don't know,
all Americans look alike.
[A Chinese player serves and hits Kenny with such force that
the ball picks him up and splatters him against the wall, then
bounces up and away. Paint falls away and cracks are left in
the wall. Blood pours out quickly. The crowd jumps up and cheers]
STAN
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
KYLE
You… bastards…
SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
Oooh, my. I haven't seen an American
die like that since Abraham Lincoln!
KAM
Dude, that isa not cool! You're gonna
get us into trouble again.
[South Park Town Square. The town is assembled yet again]
THE MAYOR
Ladies and gentlemen, on this fourth
day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week,
all our prayers are with our little
South Park Cows now playing their hearts
out in China. Now, join me in saluting
our Cows and help make Nurse Gollum
not feel like an outcast with our first
official Conjoined Twin Myslexia Hat!
[The Temple. Chef is tending to his injured players. Kyle is
hooked up to an IV unit. The other players are bandaged up according
to the severity of their injuries]
SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
And these is a only a one South Park
prayer left. Still aallll Chinese player.
This should be over veerry shortly.
CHINESE KID
Come on! Throw ball!
KAM
Hey! You ah wanna hear my impersonation
of American?
SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
Yeah, yeah!
KAM
Ah. Okay. Hey. I rearry rearry want
that. That hurts good.
SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
Heyheyhey. Let me try, let me try.
I'll use my credit card. Eh. Eh. Uh.
Do you have any non-dairy creamer?
KAM
Yeah, Yeah! Y'all come a-back now,
hear?
CHEF
Oh! What have I done? You know, Eric?
I just realized something. I have been
obsessed, and obsession isn't good.
If we had won the world championship,
what then? It would only be a bigger
letdown the nest year if we didn't win!
Our lives would have to revolve around
dodgeball. Our lives were fine before!
Oh, I'm sorry, children. I let it all
go to my head. Can you ever forgive
me? Come on, forget this stupid game!
Let's go home.
CHINESE KID
Come on! Praya ball!
KEVIN
Hey, if you wanna make him throw the
ball, say this.
PLAYER 70
Thank you, American dumbass! You French
piece of crap, throw ball. What's the
matter, Frenchy? You got crepes in your
ears?
PIP
Aaaaaaaaah!
SHORT CHINESE COMMENTATOR
And the winner is South Park Cows!
PIP
Everyone! Everyone, look! I won the
game! We're world champions! Mr. Chef,
Mr. Chef. South Park is the world champion
in dodgeball. Oh, glorious day!
CHEF
Shut up, Pip!
STAN
Yeah, shut up, Pip! Can we go home
now?
PIP
Did you all see? I can't believe I threw
such a ball with my own arm. It was-
OTHER KIDS
Shut up, Pip!
[South Park Town Square. The Mayor is on stage]
The Mayor This year as Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week draws to
a close, I wold like to personally thnak all of you for your
enthusiastic cooperation. [the crowd cheers] Now, let's hear
it one more time for our World Champion South Park Cows! [the
team is standing behind a low wall with a trophy at one end,
next to Chef]
KYLE
What the hell is eveyone wearing on
their heads?
THE MAYOR
And now, let's hear from the woman of
the week, the incredible, courageous,
Nurse Gollum!
KYLE
Aaah!
STAN
Dude, it's the freak nurse!
CARTMAN
Holy crap.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Dammit, Kyle! We've been working all
week against that kind of behavior!
KYLE
Well sorry, dude. We weren't here.
NURSE GOLLUM
Thank you, Mayor. I uhhh, wa-I… I don't
know what to say; this has been quite
a week.
KYLE'S MOTHER
She's really touched.
NURSE GOLLUM
What I really wanna say is… well, -egh
this may sound odd coming from a woman
with a fetus sticking out of her head,
but… you're all a bunch of freaks!
THE MAYOR
Uuhh. Freaks with big hearts! And now,
le-
NURSE GOLLUM
Don't you realize that the last thing
I ever wanted was to be singled out?
I just wanted to do my job and live
my life like any normal person, but
instead, you've made everybody focus
on my handicap all week long. Look,
I don't want to be treated different.
I don't want to be treated special orh-or
treated gingerly or-I just want to be
ridiculed, shouted at, and made fun
of like all the rest of you do to each
other. And take those stupid things
off your heads!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh, my. What an ungrateful bitch.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Yyeehh, the nerve of some people!
KYLE
Hey, you know. That nurse is actually
pretty cool.
STAN
Yeah. Maybe that dead fetus makes her
smarter.
CARTMAN
I love you guys. Ah, screw you guys.
[end of Conjoined Fetus Lady]
|
