"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 808
"DOUCHE AND TURD"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, day. Grass shows up around the edges
of the snow-covered lawns and around the flagpole.]
[The school gym. Six cheerleaders, all fourth-graders, lead a
Pep Rally '04.]
CHEERLEADERS
We are South Park, Green and White.
Let's go, Cows! Fight fight fight! Nobody
can beat a Cow! Let's gooo, South Park!
RED
Hey, South Park! Do you have school
spirit?
STUDENTS
Moooooooo!
BEBE
I think us Cows have the best school
spirit. Huh, Mandy?
MANDY
Yeah, and South Park is really gonna
stick it to Littleton next week!
BEBE
Let's bring out our mascot and get this
pep rally going!
BUTTERS
It's Billy! Uh, Billy will wave for
me! Wave for me, Billy!
BLONDE PETA WOMAN
We are People for the Ethical Treatment
of Animals! We protest your insensitive
use of cows as your school mascot!
MR. GARRISON
Oh Jesus, not PETA again.
DREADLOCKED PETA MAN
Culled or maimed and slaughtered and
used as a commodity!
BLOND PETA MAN
This is unfair to the cows! This is
your insensitivity!
STUDENTS
EWWW!
MAN WEARING GAS MASK
The cow is a slave! The cow is a commodity!
To be thrown away by a society gone
wrong!
[Mr. Garrison's class, day. The class is seated]
MR. GARRISON
All right, children, I have just been
informed that since our school has been
attacked by eco-terrorists for the 47th
time, we are going to change our school
mascot.
CLASS
AWWWWWWWWW!!!
STAN
Buh, Mr. Garrision, if we change our
mascot, that means the eco-terrorists
win!
MR. GARRISON
That's right, Stanley, the eco-terrorists
win. Now, I have here a mascot selection
sheet. Every student is supposed to
check the box next to the mascot they
like the most. And the most popular
selection will be the school's new mascot.
CLYDE
But we like being the Cows!
DREADLOCKED PETA MAN
You're responsible for the enslavement
and genocide of millions!
MR. GARRISON
Get, get outta here, PETA! We're changin'
the mascot already!
DREADLOCKED PETA MAN
Who'll speak for those who cannot speak
for themselves??
MR. GARRISON
Go on, get, get outta here! Get, get
out! Jesus, where do they keep coming
from?? Go on, get outta here.
STAN
This is bullcrap, dude!
MR. GARRISON
Now children, it's not that bad. There's
plenty of great new mascots on the sheet
to chose from. The Hurricanes, the Blizzards,
the Redskins, the Indians...
WENDY
But aren't Indians and Redskins just
as offensive?
MR. GARRISON
No, those are fine. PETA doesn't care
about people.
[The school hallway]
CARTMAN
Goddamnit PETAns piss me off! We're
never gonna end up with a stupid eagle
or a faggy bobcat as a mascot.
KYLE
Wait. You guys, I have an awesome idea!
We should secretly go around and tell
all the students we can to not check
any of the mascots on this election
sheet, and instead write in "Giant Douche."
CARTMAN
Ye-heah!
KENNY
(Yeah, totally awesome!)
CARTMAN
Yeh- no, no, wait wait wait. I got a
better idea you guys. What we should
do is we should secretly go around and
tell all the students we can to not
check any of the mascots on this election
sheet, and instead write in "Turd Sandwich."
KYLE
Turd Sandwich isn't better than Giant
Douche.
CARTMAN
Heh, it's only about a thousand times
better, am I right guys? Come on! We
have to tell everybody fast! This is
gonna be soo funny!
KYLE
It was MY idea and we're gonna tell
everyone to write in "Giant Douche!"
It's way funnier!
CARTMAN
IT IS NOT!!!
KYLE
Kenny, what's funnier? A giant douche
or a turd sandwich?
KENNY
(Giant douche.)
CARTMAN
Aw, you're just saying that because
I broke your cat's leg last week.
KYLE
Stan, do you pick giant douche or turd
sandwich?
STAN
Dude, I really don't care.
KYLE
That's two against one, 'cause Stan
doesn't care. So it's giant douche.
CARTMAN
...Wait wait, what about Butters?
BUTTERS
Huh?
KYLE
You hate Butters.
CARTMAN
Goddamnit you guys, Butters is our friend!
And he's allowed to have his opinion!
Butters, which is funnier? A stupid
not-funny giant douche or a super funny
turd sandwich?
BUTTERS
Hahaa, a turd sandwich!
KYLE
You misled him, fatass!
CARTMAN
It's the best choice, and me and Butters
are sticking with it.
BUTTERS
Yeah! ...What's this for?
KYLE
Jimmy, we're gonna have everyone write
in a mascot that's really funny, and
you have to tell us which one would
be funnier..
JIMMY
That''s a... fantastic idea fellas.
Uh, the key to successful humor is s-
staying power. Uh tell me the first
mascot idea.
KYLE
A giant douche.
JIMMY
Heh, huh okay, that's pretty funny.
Now, what's the second?
CARTMAN
A turd sandwich.
JIMMY
Turhr... Ohokahay. Okay, now let's wait
ten seconds. Okay now, t-tell me the
first one again?
KYLE
Giant douche.
JIMMY
And the second?
CARTMAN
Turd sandwich.
JIMMY
Gee, th-they're both screamingly funny,
fellas. Uhhhbetter give it another ten
seconds. All right, now we'll see which
one really has staying power. Number
one?
KYLE
A giant douche.
JIMMY
Okay, I think, that's it. Number 2?
CARTMAN
Turd sandwich.
JIMMY
Gee, I don't know what to say, fellas.
They're both instant classics. But I
guess I'll have to go with giant douche,
simply because the fact that it's a
giant renders it useless, adding a parody
slant to the satire.
CARTMAN
AWWWW!!
BUTTERS
Ohhh, we lost?
KYLE
All right, it's decided. Let's all write
in "Giant Douche."
CARTMAN
Okay. You win, Kyle.
[The school gym. The students once again assembles on the bleachers.
Mr. Garrison stands before the big-screen TV used in the rally
earlier, and the TV reads "New School Mascot '04"]
MR. GARRISON
Attention students, we have tallied
your mascot nomination sheets, and there
will now be a school-wide vote between
the top two nominations. So here is
the first most-requested candidate,
a giant douche.
KYLE, KENNY
Go giant douche!
GIANT DOUCHE
Hey, South Park! Have we got school
spirit?? We've got spirit, yes we do!
Giant douches, me and you! Let's gooooo,
Douches!
MR. GARRISON
And now your second nominee, Turd Sandwich.
CARTMAN
All right turd sandwich!
BUTTERS
Yeah!
KYLE
Cartman? What the hell??
CARTMAN
Giant Douche sucks!
TURD SANDWICH
We've got spirit, yes we do! We are
sandwiches filled with poo! Yeeaahhh!
MR. GARRISON
Students can now cast their choice between
the Giant Douche and the Turd Sandwich.
We'll count up the votes on Tuesday.
KYLE
You won't get more votes than us, asshole!
CARTMAN
Dream on, Jew boy!
ERIC
Yeah, dream on, Jew boy!
[The front doors of the school. Stan and Kenny flank the entrance
and hand out buttons as the other kids come out]
KYLE
Be sure to vote for Giant Douche.
KENNY
(Giant Douche! Vote for him!)
KYLE
Giant Douche is your man!
STAN
Kyle, aren't you taking this a little
too far? I mean, do we really want a
giant douche to be our school mascot?
KYLE
Dude, I'm not going to lose to Cartman's
stupid turd sandwich.
CARTMAN
Vote for Turd Sandwich. This is the
most important election of our lives.
Turd Sandwich brings us hope for change.
A vote for Turd Sandwich is a Vote for
Tomorrow!
KYLE
There. Do you really want that asshole
to win?
STAN
I'm not voting!
KYLE
What? Y-you gotta vote, dude. Haven't
you seen the Rock the Vote stuff or,
or Puff Daddy's Vote or Die??
STAN
I just think this whole thing is stupid!
KYLE
Kenny, we have got to make Stan understand
the importance of voting, because he'll
definitely vote for our guy.
KENNY
(Yeah.)
[The Marsh house, dinnertime. The family is gathered at table,
with Grandpa at one end, Randy at the other. Sharon comes in
with plates and the main course]
SHARON
How was school today, Stanley?
STAN
It was ridiculous. We have to have a
new school mascot and we're supposed
to vote between a giant douche and a
turd sandwich.
SHARON
...What did you say?
RANDY
Did you just say that... voting is ridiculous?
STAN
No, I think voting is great, but, if
I have to choose between a douche and
a turd, I just don't see the point.
RANDY
You don't see the point!! Oh you young
people just make me sick!
SHARON
Stanley, do you know how many people
died so you could have the right to
vote?!
STAN
Mom, a-I just don't think there's much
of a difference between a douche and
a turd. I d-I don't care.
RANDY
You don't care?! You really want a
turd sandwich as your school mascot?!
On your football helmets?! A turd?!
SHARON
Well, hold on, Randy, I think a turd
sandwich is a little better than them
having a giant douche on their uniforms.
RANDY
You're crazy!! A d-a douche is at least
clean!
SHARON
It's sexist is what it is!
RANDY
You don't understand the issues, Sharon!
SHARON
Are you calling me ignorant??
RANDY
You think the school mascot should be
a turd sandwich? Well you're not exactly
Einstein!
SHARON
I am sick of you belittling my opinion,
you son of a bitch!
SHELLEY
I hate this family, I hate it!
STAN
Puff Daddy?
PUFF DADDY
Your friend Kyle said you don't understand
the importance of voting.
STAN
I...
PUFF DADDY
Apparently you haven't heard of my "Vote
or Die" campaign.
STAN
"Vote or Die"? What the hell does that
even mean?!
PUFF DADDY
What you think it means, bitch!
STAN
AAAAH!!
[Music video. Stan is running down the street. An open-roof car
pops up behind him and bears down on him]
POSSE
Vote or die, mother_, mother_er, vote
or die!
PUFF DADDY
Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick
a knife through your eye.
POSSE
Democracy is founded on one simple rule!
[Overhead shot of Puff Daddy, dressed in a white suit, then in
a black suit.]
PUFF DADDY
Get out there and vote or I will mother__
kill you.
Yeh.
[at a polling station encouraging one female voter]
PUFF DADDY
I like it when you vote, bitch! (bitch!)
Shake them titties when you vote, bitch! (bitch!)
[seated as two women dance for him, their asses in his face]
PUFF DADDY
I slam my jimmy through your mouth roof
(mouth roof)
[gently spanks a woman as she goes in to vote]
PUFF DADDY
Now get your big ass in the pollin'
booth.
[Fish-eye overhead view of Puff Daddy. He shoves his gun into
the camera]
PUFF DADDY
I said vote, bitch, or I'll f_____ kill
you!
[Stan runs until he sees a passageway between two buildings.
He does in to try to escape, but Puff Daddy and his crew find
him]
POSSE
Vote or die, mother_, mother_, vote
or die!
PUFF DADDY
You can't run from a .38, go ahead and
try!
[Puffy is seated in an armchair wearing a wig, surrounded by
women, all in front of a Vegas-style sign saying "DIDDY"]
POSSE
Let your opinion be heard! You gotta
make a choice
[raps to a chrome reflection]
PUFF DADDY
'Cause after I slit your throat you
won't have a f____ voice
[Stan runs again, looking behind him, but runs into a gun in
his face]
PUFF DADDY
'Vote or die! Vote or die!
[Puff Daddy's gun is joined by the guns of his posse. Stan is
looking at five barrels]
STAN
Okay. I'll vote.
[Cartman and Butters begin door-to-door campaigning. Cartman
knocks on a door and Clyde answers.]
CARTMAN
Hello, Clyde.
CLYDE
What do you guys want?
CARTMAN
We were just wondering who you might
be voting for, for the school's new
mascot.
CLYDE
I haven't decided yet.
CARTMAN
Oh really? Well that's interesting.
You certainly should think about it
and make the right decision. Butterscotch
candy?
CLYDE
Sure.
CARTMAN
Clyde, are you aware of what Turd Sandwich
can bring to our school?
BUTTERS
A turd sandwich is not only the first
turd to be nominated school mascot,
but even the first, sandwich.
CARTMAN
You see, what Turd Sandwich brings to
our school, Clyde, is a complete package.
The turd and the coin. And the lettuce,
and the olives.
BUTTERS
Whe-whereas Giant Douche is just, well,
ju-just a, ju-ju-just a giant douche.
CARTMAN
So, come voting day, you'll now most
likely vote for the turd sandwich, yes?
CLYDE
I'm still not totally sure.
CARTMAN
Well then, perhaps we could interest
you in another butterscotch candy?
[South Park Elementary, now a polling station. A "Vote for School
Mascot!" hangs on the back wall and over the hallway. A reluctant
Kyle takes a ballot, and Kyle smiles, thinking he has Stan on
his side]
KYLE
You're doing the right thing, Stan.
Don't you feel like you're a part of
something now?
STAN
I guess...
KYLE
Look, it may not seem important now,
but your vote really does count, and
we all have to do our part.
STAN
Okay.
KYLE
Look... wait, what are you doing?
STAN
I'm voting.
KYLE
No, no, you... you wrote down Turd Sandwich.
STAN
Yeah, I know.
KYLE
...Dude, you're supposed to vote for
Giant Douche.
STAN
I thoght I was supposed to make my
own decision.
KYLE
Well yeah, but not if your decision
is for Turd Sandwich! What the hell
is wrong with you?!
STAN
Wait a minute, you didn't want me to
vote, you wanted me to vote for your
guy!
KYLE
Well, I just figured you'd vote for
my guy! Who's fuckin' friend are you?!
Puffy!
CARTMAN
Hey, fuck off, Kyle. Don't let them
intimidate you, Stan. I'll help walk
you to the booth. And then I'm gonna
buy you a niiice steak dinner with all
the trimmings.
STAN
Oh forget it! I'm not gonna be persuaded
into voting and I'm and I'm not gonna
be threatened into voting if I don't
feel comfortable with it! I'm not gonna
vote and you can all just live with
it!
[The Principal's Office, later]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
We've simply had it with your son, Mr.
and Mrs. Marsh. Voting just doesn't
appear to be important to 'im.
RANDY
Stanley, when you left for school this
morning, you said you were going to
vote!
STAN
The whole thing is a joke!
SHARON
You see? He's out of control. It's nearly
torn our whole family apart.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, my hands are tied. We can no longer
have Stan's behavior jeopardizing the
other children. He must be removed.
RANDY
Ogh! Are you happy now, Stan? You just
got yourself suspended!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Nno, I'm afraid it's worse than that.
By county law I'm bound to enforce the
harshest punishment possible.
RANDY
Expulsion??
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
No. Banishment.
STAN
B-bani-banishment?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
You can appeal to the city council,
but I don't think it'll do any good.
Your son must leave South Park, never
to return.
SHARON
Oh, Randy!
RANDY
Our son, banished. Where did we go wrong??
STAN
Ya... you're all joking, right?
[A moonlit partly-cloudy night in South Park. The townsfolk are
gathered at the edge of town, with Stan facing them all alone.
A horse stands at the ready on one side of Main Street.]
MAYOR MCDANIELS
As it was in the times of our forefathers,
so it is now. Stan Marsh, for not following
our most sacred of rites, you are hereby
banished from South Park for all eternity.
Or until you decide that voting is important.
Good-bye, Stan. May the gods treat you
more kindly than we did.
KYLE
Stan, don't you think this has gone
far enough? Is it really that big a
deal? Yeah, just vote. For Giant Douche.
STAN
I'm not voting!
A BODYGUARD
You, Puffy man, are we just gonna let
this happen? We've gots to kill this
non-votin' fool!
PUFF DADDY
No, Justacious, let him go. He won't
survive a fortnight in the wilderness.
RANDY
This is breaking your mother's heart,
Stan. She couldn't even help tie you
to the horse.
STAN
Dad, isn't this a little extreme?
RANDY
Jesus. I guess maybe you'll never understand
how important voting is. Goodbye, Stan.
That's... one of the hardest things
a parent ever has to do.
[A plain, night. Stan rides into the night and into the morning
on the plain, then through a desert, then into a forest. A group
of people appear and spot him]
A MAN
Look! What is that?
A WOMAN
Oh, the poor thing!
STAN
Hello?
A WOMAN
Don't worry, we'll free you.
A MAN
Just sit still for a moment.
STAN
Oh thank God.
A MAN
Get offa him, you filthy human!
BLONDE
Poor thing needs water.
BEARDED MAN
You'er safe now.
BLONDE
Shame on you, making this horse your
slave.
STAN
Awww!
BLONDE
Come, you can live with us.
BEARDED MAN
We will give you food and shelter.
STAN
What about me?
BEARDED MAN
OPEN THE GATE!
BLONDE 2
This poor creature is in need of food
and water.
BALDING MAN
You have a home here, friend.
BEARDED MAN
The... kid wants to stay, too.
STAN
I was put on the horse. I didn't wanna
ride it.
BALDING MAN
I don't know if you can stay. We'll
have to ask Dr. Cornwallis. Come. We
don't normally allow outsiders. See,
here we live in harmony with animals.
They're not our pets but our fellow
living beings. We work with the animals
and try to live as they do. We make
friends with the animals. We coexist,
and we... intermarry. This is my wife,
Janice. The outside world looks down
on a man marrying a llama, but our love
knows no boundaries.
STAN
Wow, you guys really love animals.
BALDING MAN
And why not? Mark here has been with
Kelly for three years now. And Gary
and Sally here have just managed to
have a child together.
OSTRICH-BABY
Kill me...
BALDING MAN
Yes, life here is good and natural.
But now that you know where our compound
is, you'll either have to live with
us, or be murdered.
STAN
I'll live with you.
BALDING MAN
It's not up to you. You'll have to talk
with Dr. Cornwallis. What did he say?
STAN
He said I can stay
BALDING MAN
Excellent! Dr. Cornwallis is wise beyond
his year. Here's your PETA shirt and
a bumper sticker.
ANNOUNCER
This is Debate 2004 with your host,
Jim Lehrer.
JIM LEHRER
Welcome to the cable-access televised
debate between a giant douche and a
turd sandwich We'll start with Giant
Douche. Sir, some students and parents
are reluctant to have a... giant douche
represent them. What do you say to those
people?
GIANT DOUCHE
Jim, first of all I would like to thank
you for monitoring this debate. And
I would like to thank all of the students
and their parents for coming.
CARTMAN
Aww, suck-up, suck-up! What?! It's
an obvious suck-up move.
GIANT DOUCHE
But I would hope that those students
and their parents who question my qualities
would simply look at my opponent. He
is a turd sandwich
TURD SANDWICH
You're a turd sandwich.
GIANT DOUCHE
... No, sir, if you'll pardon me, you
are in fact, the turd sandwich.
TURD SANDWICH
You're a turd sandwich.
GIANT DOUCHE
... Sir, you are a turd sandwich.
TURD SANDWICH
You're a turd sandwich.
JIM LEHRER
Ahh, Turd Sandwich, I will ask you not
to speak out of turn.
TURD SANDWICH
I I'm sorry, Jim.
GIANT DOUCHE
Anyway, as I was saying, ahh... wait,
I I forgot what I was saying.
TURD SANDWICH
Ha. Wha-hat a douche.
JIM LEHRER
All right, Turd Sandwich, this next
question is for you. How should South
Park Elementary enforce its laws of
conduct for young athletes during sporting
events.
TURD SANDWICH
... Uh you know, uh, my opponent wouldn't
even know the answer to that question.
If you ask him the same question, he
would not answer it. He would stand
around and just babble on and on about
nothing until he was finally saved by
the buzzer sound.
JIM LEHRER
Your time is up, Turd.
[The PETA compound, next morning. Stan scrubs away at the empty
tubs and buckets of food the animals ate from the previous day.
The bald man approachs]
BALDING MAN
Stan, I want to introduce you to my
stepdaughter, Teresa. She seems to
have taken a liking to you. And she's
ovulating.
STAN
Ahh no thanks, that's okay.
BALDING MAN
Stan, some PETA members are growing
concerned that maybe you don't love
animals.
STAN
I do love animals, just ...nnot like
you guys do.
BALDING MAN
You... don't belong here, Stan. You
should return home.
STAN
I can't. I was banished for not voting.
BALDING MAN
But, why on earth wouldn't you wanna
vote?
STAN
I think voting is great. I just didn't
care this time because it was between
a giant douche and a turd sandwich.
BALDING MAN
But Stan, don't you know, it's always
between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.
Nearly every election since the beginning
of time has been between some douche
and some turd. They're the only people
who suck up enough to make it that far
in politics.
STAN
I guess... I guess you're right.
PUFF DADDY
Yo, what did I say was going to happen
to you, bitch?
STAN
AAAAAH!
MAN IN SHORTS
Aaaah!! He's wearing the skin of an
animal! Take that! I... hope that
teaches you a lesson about being hurt.
PUFF DADDY
Itius, Rodicus!
BODYGUARD
Vote or die!
STAN
AAAAH!!
PETA MAN
Protect the animals! Protect the animals!
BALDING MAN
Janice, we shall die together in each
other's arms!
OSTRICH-BABY
Kill me! Kill meee!!
[South Park Elementary polling station. Mr. Mackey tallies up
the votes.]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay, that's one more vote for Turd
Sandwich.
RANDY
So who won, Mr. Mackey?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
It's pretty close, but it looks like
Giant Douche is gonna win.
CARTMAN
Oh no! NOOO!!
KYLE
HA! You lose, fatass!
BUTTERS
Uh hey, wait a minute!
RANDY
Stan!
SHARON
Stan, you came back. Does that mean...
you learned the importance of voting?
STAN
I learned that I'd better get used to
having to pick between a douche and
a turd sandwich because it's usually
the choice I'll have.
RANDY
He's going to vote!!
TOWNSFOLK
He's going to vote. He's going to vote.
SINGER
Let's get out the vote! Let's make our
voices heard!
We've been given the right to choose between a douche and a turd.
It's democracy in action! Put your freedom to the test.
A big fat turd or a stupid douche. Which do you like best?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Stan's vote bring the total votes for
Turd Sandwich to... thirty six! And
Giant Douche has... one thousand four
hundred and ten. Giant Douche still
wins.
SOME TOWNSFOLK
Yeah! All right!
OTHER TOWNSFOLK
AWWWW!!
STAN
Dude, so my vote didn't even really
matter!
RANDY
Hey! That's not true, Stan.
SHARON
You can't judge the merits of voting
on whether or not your candidate won.
RANDY
Your vote still mattered.
MR. GARRISON
Hey everybody! They just found all
the PETA members murdered at their compound!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
What the? They're all dead? Well, that
means...
CLYDE
That we can go back to being the South
Park Cows!
ALL
Hooray! All right!
RANDY
Naw, your vote didn't matter.
THE END
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