"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 907
"ERECTION DAY"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
N'kay, kids, as your counselor, I know
it can sometimes be difficult to talk
about subjects like drugs and sex and
alcohol, m'kay? So, as you remember,
last week I told you to write down any
difficult questions you had and put
them in this box anonymously so we could
discuss in class, m'kay? I got a lot
o' responses, so let's read some aloud.
"Mr. Mackey is gay." Okay kids, that
is not funny! Unkay?! This box is supposed
to be used for serious questions! About,
about serious issues! M'kay, let's let's
stop the tomfoolery! M'kay, this looks
like a real one here. "Dear Mr. Mackey,
you are gay." All right, all right.
That's enough, kids. Let's quiet down
and try to be mature, 'kay? Uh here
we go. Okay, "Mr. Mackey, sometimes
my parents hit me, and you are gay."
Damnit, is there not one serious question
in here?! "Mr. Mackey is gay, Mr. Mackey
is gay" Okay, here. I am a boy at
South Park Elementary. Sometimes, when
I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes
hard for no reason. What should I do?
All right kids, all right kids, that's
enough! If you all can't be serious
about the question box, then we'll
just do drug identification exercises,
unkay?!
CLASS
Awwwww!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay, uhh, Jimmy, why don't you come
up here and write down the names of
two narcotics?
JIMMY
Uh no, that that's okay, Mr. Mackey.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Jimmy, I'm not asking you, I'm telling
you!
JIMMY
Uhhh, just uh uh ahh not right this
second, Mr. Mackey.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well why the hell not?!
JIMMY
Uh...
COUNSELOR MACKEY
He's what... Oh, you do? R r right now,
right now it is? on'kay, on'kay. Don't
worry, Jimmy. N'kay, uhhh, let's pick
someone else, um. Eric, why don't you
come up here?
CARTMAN
Hey, that's bullcrap?! How come Jimmy
doesn't have to do it?!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, because uh, Jimmy is pitching
a tent right now.
STAN
He's what??
[South Park Elementary hallway. Kids milling around notice a
poster on the pegboard among the lockers and talk amongst themselves.]
STAN
A hundred dollar gift certificate to
South Park Mall? Maybe we should do
the talent show.
KYLE
Well, what's the point? Jimmy always
wins with his stand-up comedy.
JIMMY
Hey fellas.
STAN
Dude, didja see, Jimmy? They're giving
away a hundred dollar first prize for
the talent show.
JIMMY
Oh I sure have. I've been working on
my ruh... ruh,,, routine all year long
KYLE
I don't know how you do it, dude. How
do you get up in front of that many
people?
JIMMY
Well fellas, entertainment is my life.
I love being in front of everyone.
Aaah!
KYLE
Huh wuh, what's the matter?
JIMMY
I gotta guh, I gotta go! See ya fellas.
Eh, excuse me! Evuh evuh - excuh, cuh,
cuse me! Excuse me, puh-please.
CRAIG
It's occupied.
CARTMAN
No room at the inn, Virgin Mary.
BUTTERS
Hehey Jimmy! M'boy, did you see that
first prize for the talent show? Why
you must be excited! You'll probably
win like always.
JIMMY
Yeah. Yeah, I'm real excited. REAL escited...
for some reason... Oh, Jesus! What's
wrong with me?
BUTTERS
Hey, who's droppin' bombs in there?!
How about a courtesy flush?!
CARTMAN
Up yours, Butters.
[Jimmy's house, afternoon. Jimmy walks through the door and sighs.
His parents are on the sofa. His mom reads a book, his dad a
newspaper]
SARAH
Hey Jimmy, how was school?
JIMMY
Fine, Mom.
RYAN
Jimmy, we understand you're getting
erections in the classroom.
JIMMY
What? Uh who told you that?
RYAN
Mr. Mackey, your counselor.
JIMMY
Aw J-j-j-j...j-Jesus!
RYAN
Now, Jimmy, it's nothing to be ashamed
of. But we know it's something you might
have a hard time talking about. Get
it? A hard time. So, we took your counselor's
advice 'nd called Doctor Pal to help
us all talk about this.
JIMMY
Dz-n-Doctor Pal?
DOCTOR PAL
Hey Jimmy, I'm Doctor Pal. That's because
I'm a doctor, but I'm also your pal.
Are we cool?
JIMMY
Uh, sure?
DOCTOR PAL
A lot of times parents call me in because
I can relate to younger kids. I'm I'm
down, I'm dope, you dig? Now, I understand
you have some concerns about erections.
"Oops, can't say erection in front
of the parents right. Oh God, I feel
so weird" huh?
JIMMY
Well, a little, yes.
DOCTOR PAL
Jimmy, there's nothing weird about random
erections. Almost every boy goes through
a phase where his penis becomes hard...
for no particular reason. It's just
part of grwoing up. Growing up? Growing
out is more like it.
JIMMY
But I have to make it stop! The talent
show is this F-Friday.
DOCTOR PAL
Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why don't
you skidaddle for a tick and let us
hipsters talk in privo.
RYAN
A-all right, come on, honey.
DOCTOR PAL
Jimmy, as you get older your body goes
through a lot of changes. Certain hormones
start to release as your whole reproductive
system begins to awaken, and so, if
you like, we can take off our shirts
and kiss.
JIMMY
Ke...c-come again?
DOCTOR PAL
Oh, hey, nothin', you see? See, that
set you off on a different tangent,
got you thinkin' a different way. That's
what Doctor Pal is here to do. Unless,
of course, you think we should take
off our shirts and kiss.
JIMMY
N-no, I do NOT want to take off my shirt
and kiss
DOCTOR PAL
Well then to hell with you, kid. You
can just deal with your problems on
your own.
[Jimmy's house, night. He's fast asleep, and we see his dream]
ANNOUNCER
Next up for the talent show, put your
hands together for the incredibly talented
Jimmy Valmer!
JIMMY
Wow, what a what a great audience. So
apparently Martha Stewart is out of
jail. Have you have you heard about
this, have you seen this? She's very
excited to get started on her new show,
"Martha Stewart Living, with an electronic
ankle bracelet." So it looks like the
Vatican has finally chosen a new Pope.
Have you seen this, have you heard about
this? A-a-apparently they're going
to call him New Pope, a-and refer to
John Paul as P-Pope Classic. Uh,..
so it so it looks like Michael Jackson
is having back problem in court. You
know... huh... you uh you know what
they say about b-b-b-b-back problems.
Uh, uh gee, what a terrific audience.
What a fantastic audience.
MRS. GARRISON
Don't worry, Jimmy. We're not laughing
with you, we're laughing AT you.
JIMMY
Nuh uh! Wuh. Huh. Waaagh! Ungh!
[Butters' house, day. He's practicing his favorite song in the
garage with some help from his boom box. Jimmy approaches]
BUTTERS
Lu Lu Lu, I've got some apples, Lu Lu
Lu, you've got some too. Lu Lu Lu, let's
get together, I know what we can do,
Lu Lu.
JIMMY
Butters!
BUTTERS
Oh! Oh hey, Jimmy. I'm just practicin'
for the talent show.
JIMMY
Butters, ah I really need to talk to
somebody, and I think maybe you're the
only person who won't make f-f-fun of
me.
BUTTERS
Oh Gosh, I'd never make fun of somebody
with a problem.
JIMMY
Butters, do you know what you're supposed
to do when your penis gets hard?
BUTTERS
Well sure I do.
JIMMY
Really??
BUTTERS
Yes, now sit down, Jimmy, we should
have a little talk. You see, Jimmy,
when a man's penis becomes hard, the
man puts it into a lady. Into her "vagiiina."
Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside
the lady's tummy, and after it's all
done sneezin' milk.thepenis stops bein'
hard, and the man loses interest in
the lady.
JIMMY
So, when your penis becomes hard, you're
supposed to put in in a lady's vagina.
And then it stops being hard?
BUTTERS
That's right, Jimmy.
JIMMY
But where am I going to find a lady
to stick my penis in? The talent show
is this Friday.
[South Park Elementary, day. The kids visit their lockers to
change books.]
GIRL
Talk to you, Bertha.
BERTHA
Okay, see you later, Jessie.
JIMMY
Hey Bertha.
BERTHA
Oh, hey Jimmy. What's goin' on?
JIMMY
Well Bertha, I was wondering if I could
stick my penis in your vagina?
BERTHA
What?? No way!
JIMMY
But the talent show is tomorrow! Ooo!
BERTHA
Jerk!
CARTMAN
Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell are you
doing, man?
JIMMY
I'm trying to get laid. What's it look
like?
CARTMAN
Dude, you don't just go up to a girl
and ask her if you can stick your penis
in her vagina. Ye-you have to ask her
on a date, take her out for some Italian
food.
JIMMY
Wow, seems like you know a lot about
this stuff, Eric. Have you gotten laid
before?
CARTMAN
Sure, lots of times. I've been laid,
like, five thousand times.
JIMMY
Well, wha-what do I do?
CARTMAN
I told you: a date and then Italian
food. And then you gotta make her thnk
you're a good listener.
JIMMY
Eric, I can't tell you why, but it's
very important that I score to-night!
Can you come on the date and help me?
You're like a white... Hitch.
CARTMAN
Why sure, they do this all the time
in movies and TV shows. You go on the
date and wear an earpiece, and I'll
be nearby, secretly telling you all
the right things to say.
JIMMY
Wow! Thanks, Eric.
[A house, night. A woman is reading a book on her sofa. The doorbell
rings.]
MOM
Shawna honey, I think your little date
is here.
SHAWNA
Okay, Mom.
JIMMY
Hey Shawna.
SHAWNA
Hi Jimmy.
CARTMAN
Okay Jimmy. First off, tell her how
good she looks.
JIMMY
Wow, Shawna, you look fantastic.
SHAWNA
Thanks, Jimmy. Where are we going?
JIMMY
We're going to an authentic Italian
restaurant, Buca de Fagghecini
[Buca de Fagghecini, dinnertime. Jimmy and Shawna wait for service
at their table]
WAITER
Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the
authentico experience Italiano. My name
is Roma. Can I start you out with some
lotsa pasta macaroni minis?
JIMMY
Uh, I think we're gonna try your authentic
pizzareli casserona poppers
WAITER
Right away.
SHAWNA
You know that girl Sally Rauman at our
school? I can't stand her.
CARTMAN
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy, even though what
she's saying now isn't interesting at
all, you say, "Wow, that is very interesting.
Please tell me more."
JIMMY
Wow, that is very interesting. Please
tell me more.
SHAWNA
Really? Well, Kelligan bought the same
purse and I was like, "No WAY do I want
it now!" because who wants a purse that
both their best friends have, right?
And so-
CARTMAN
All right, when she stops yappin' again,
say "Wow, I've never thought of it that
way before, but you're right."
SHAWNA
-I guess that's why I figured, "Who
needs friends like that?"
JIMMY
Wow, I've never thought of it that way
before, but you're right.
SHAWNA
It's like I told Debbie: "If you're
gonna go out with my friends-"
CARTMAN
All right Jimmy, when she finally shuts
her trap again, I want you to repeat
whatever she said, and then follow it
with "Wow, how insightful."
SHAWNA
"And so if you're gonna be that way,
I don't need to be your friend."
JIMMY
"if you're gonna be that way, I don't
need to be your friend." Wow, how insightful.
SHAWNA
You know, Jimmy, you are a great listener.
JIMMY
Really?
SHAWNA
Yeah. I mean, no other boys really communicate
like you do.
JIMMY
Oh, I'm so glad you think so, Shawna,
because I really wanna stick my penis
in your vagina.
CARTMAN
Yes, nice, Jimmy, very nice.
SHAWNA
...What??? I'm not doing that!
JIMMY
But the talent show is tomorrow night!
SHAWNA
Creep!
CARTMAN
Aaagh!
[South Park Elementary, next evening. The gym is set up for the
talent show and the whole school is there. Well, most of the
school...]
MRS. GARRISON
Welcome students and parents to the
annual South Park Elementary Talent
Show! We have a lot of little talneted
performers to get through, so the quicker
you shut up, the quicker this will be
over! Okay, first up we have Billy
Turner, from the third grade, who will
be doing an alto sax solo.
[South Park Elementary, out on the front curb. Jimmy sits there
subbing. Officer Barbrady's police car rolls gently towards him
and stops. The driver door opens and Officer Barbrady comes into
view.]
OFFICER BARBRADY
Jimmy? Jimmy Valmer?
JIMMY
Oh... Hi, Officer B b-b-buh b-b-buh
b-Barbrady.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Jimmy, what are you doing here? The
talent show is inside.
JIMMY
I'm... not gonna perform in the talent
show.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Not perform? But Jimmy, you love talent
shows. Everyone in town knows that.
JIMMY
I just c-can't risk getting up in front
of everyone.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Why?
JIMMY
All right! I I keep getting an erection
for no reason! Okay! But I can't get
any of the girls here to let me... do
it to them.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well of course not, Jimmy. LIttle girls
don't wanna have sex.
JIMMY
Then why does God make it so that my
penis gets hard if girls don't wanna
have it in their vaginas? It's like
a cruel joke.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, Jimmy, the girls here are young
and pure. They're not like the ladies
down at Colfax Point.
JIMMY
...Colfax Point?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well yeah, those women will have sex
with anybody.
JIMMY
Really? M-maybe I can catch the bus
...and get down there before the talent
show ends. Th-thanks, Officer Barbrady!
OFFICER BARBRADY
You're welcome, Jim. Wait...
[Colfax Point, in the red-light district of town, night. Cars
roll by as obese prostitutes try to get customers. Shapely prostitutes
try as well when the obese ones are denied. A black women wearing
knee-high boots walks down the street towards the camera. She
has brilliant red hair, black vest and boots, and cheetah-print
shorts]
VOICE-OVER
Colfax Point.
Pimps and hos and tricks in rows
Women walk the street with corns on their feet
Broken dreams and no ice creams
[a car stops in front of a woman built like a brick mansion]
HO
You lookin' for a date?
JIMMY
Hello? Hello? I need to put my ...p-penis
in a woman's vagina. Any takers? Excuse
me, ma'am. What's your name?
PROSTITUTE
They call me Nut Gobbler.
JIMMY
Well, Nut Gobbler, I need to get laid.
NUT GOBBLER
Huh??
JIMMY
I have a raging hard-on that just won't
quit, and the talent show has already
started.
NUT GOBBLER
You a cop?
JIMMY
No. Actually, I'm a stand-up comic.
NUT GOBBLER
You got money?
JIMMY
Sure do.
NUT GOBBLER
All right, you got a place to go?
JIMMY
Sure. I know the p-perfect place.
[Buca de Fagghecini, moments later. The waitier arrives]
ROMA
Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the
authentic experienso Italiano. My name
is Roma, and uhhh Oh, it's so nice
to see you again, Mr. Valmer.
JIMMY
Hey, can it, jackass! I just don't
want them to know I was here with a
different girl.
ROMA
Oh right, pardone, segnore. I'll come
back with some garlic bread mediterraneane.
NUT GOBBLER
What are we doin' anyway?
JIMMY
This is authentic Italian food straight
from S-Sicily. You should try the Lotsa
Mozzarella Pizza Roll.
NUT GOBBLER
I can't eat too much, I'lve got an infected
urinary tract. I've been pissin' blood
for a week.
JIMMY
Oh, uh, wow, that is very interesting.
Please tell me more.
NUT GOBBLER
Huh? Well, that's it, I just pissed
blood! So I have to stick a tampon up
my peehole.
JIMMY
Wow. You know, I've never thought of
it that way before, but you're right.
If you're pissing blood, you can shuve
a tampon up your peehole. You are very
insightful. Please tell me more.
NUT GOBBLER
Look, kid, what are you doin'?! You
wanna get laid or not?
JIMMY
Well of couse I wanna get laid. That's
why I'm taking you to this ...fancy
place and pretending to be interested
in what you have to say..
NUT GOBBLER
Kid, I'm a hooker. You don't have to
take me to dinner OR be nice to me.
JIMMY
What? Fo, for real?
NUT GOBBLER
You paid me, so you get to do me. It's
that simple.
JIMMY
Well jumpin' Jesus, what are we wasting
our time here for then? The talent show
is happening right now! Let's get to
r-r-rammin'!
PIMP
What are you doin', ho?! Havin' dinner?!
You're supposed to be workin' for me!
NUT GOBBLER
It's where the trick wanted to go, you
bastard!
PIMP
Trick?! I ain't stupid! Ain't no trick
gonna take you out to dinner! This
PIMP is tryin' to steal you away from
me! This is MY ho!
JIMMY
I beg to differ with you, sir. I paid
for her and took her out to dinner.
She's my ho!
NUT GOBBLER
Uh Jesus.
PIMP
You got a problem, bitch?!
JIMMY
Yes, I do have a problem, as a matter
of fact! I've spent all my money on
this ho, and she's now my only shot
at getting laid, and the talent show
is only a couple of hours from being
over.
PIMP
You're comin' home right now!
NUT GOBBLER
Agh! Let go of my hair, you son of a
bitch!
JIMMY
Sir, sir, that is my ho!
PIMP
I'm gonna kick your ass, ho!
JIMMY
Sir, sir!
[South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A student
sings Journey's "Open Arms" badly]
STAN
Woof.
[Buca de Fagghecini, outside. The pimp drives off with Nut Gobbler,
and Jimmy just steps out the front doors]
JIMMY
Son of a ...b-bitch! Taxi! Follow
that pimp and ho!
[The pimp's car]
NUT GOBBLER
Where are you taking me?!
PIMP
I'm gonna kill you, ho!
NUT GOBBLER
No! Please! Chewmoney! I'm sorry!
CHEWMONEY
You're already dead, ho!
JIMMY
Sir! I paid for that lady, and by taking
her, you are no better than a common
th-thief!
CHEWMONEY
Fuck you, punk!
JIMMY
Nut Gobbler, grab onto my crutch!
CHEWMONEY
Get your ass back in here, ho!
NUT GOBBLER
Aaaah!
JIMMY
I got you, Nut Gobbler!
[South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. The Goth
kids are now onstage. The Red Goth and Henrietta are on guitars,
and the Kindergarten Goth is on drums. The Tall Goth sings]
TALL GOTH
No no nono no, I'm not gonna be in the
talent show.
Oh no no nono no. I'll never be in your faggy talent show. [the
song ends and they walk offstage. Some applause for them comes
up from the audience]
MRS. GARRISON
Okay, that was the Goth kids with "Talent
Shows Are For Fags"
TALL GOTH
That was killer. We showed them.
RED GOTH
Yeah, I hope we win.
[The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are still racing
down the streets with Nut Gobbler splits between them. She's
screaming from the pain]
JIMMY
Come on, ho!
CABBIE
Look out!
MOTORCYCLIST
Daww?
NUT GOBBLER
Aah?? NO!
JIMMY
Eugh! Stay on him! I'm not giving up!
[South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A magic
act ends as the assistant steps out of a box]
KID MAGICIAN
Tada!
MRS. GARRISON
Okay, very nice, Clark and Laura. Very
nice. Our next act is Butters, who
will be singing a song
STEPHEN
There's our boy.
BUTTERS
Lu lu lu, I'vw got some... some... uh,
some uh... some, uh... uuuhhh... Oh
no! No no noho noo!
MRS. GARRISON
Okay, thank you Butters, very nice,
short and sweet.
[The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are now bumping
each other off.]
CHEWMONEY
Goddamn, this pimp just won't give up!
JIMMY
Get close to him! How much do I owe
you?
CABBIE
Six dollars and twenty-four cents.
JIMMY
C-can I just get two back, please?
CABBIE
Oh, thank you very much. There you
go. Have a good 'n.
JIMMY
Thank you.
CHEWMONEY
You're gonna pay for this, bitch!
NUT GOBBLER
No! Heelllp!! Haaaaaaaaaa!!
JIMMY
Don't worry, Nut Gobbler! I'm coming!
Oh Jesus, not now. Oh boy, this is
embarassing.
[South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A magic
act ends as the assistant steps out of a box]
MRS. GARRISON
And now we have Eric Cartman, who will
be doing select readings from the movie,
Scarface.
CARTMAN
D'you know what you are? You're all
a bunch of fucking cock roaches! You
need people like me! You need people
like me so you can point your fucking
finger and say "That's the bad guy!"
Well say goodnight to the bad guy!!
LIANE
That's my little boy.
[Colfax Point, night. On the rooftop of the building, Chewmoney
has Nut Gobbler on her knees and is ready to shoot her dead.]
NUT GOBBLER
Please, Chewmoney! Don't do this!
CHEWMONEY
I told you never to turn on me, ho!
JIMMY
Hey, j-j-jackass! I'm sorry I resorted
to calling you jackass just now, but
I'm very upset!
CHEWMONEY
And what are you gonna do, huh?! I've
got four feet on you AND a gun! What
do you have?!
JIMMY
What do I have? The weapon of comedy.
So apparently the Chinese and the Japanese
aren't getting along lately. Have you
seen this? Have you heard about this?
CHEWMONEY
What?!
JIMMY
I'll tell you one thing: their food
hasn't been getting along with my stomach
for years.
CHEWMONEY
That's pretty good.
JIMMY
Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have
you seen this? Have you heard about
this?
CHEWMONEY
Oh yeah. That's right, she is.
JIMMY
She's apparently gotten real good with
baking cakes with keys in them.
NUT GOBBLER
Serves you right, you son of a bitch!
JIMMY
Nice teamwork, Nut Gobbler.
GOBBLER
I can't believe you chased me all this
way. You, you really care about me.
JIMMY
Not really. You're just a hooker, and
I need to get laid. The talent show
could be over any minute.
GOBBLER
That's good enough for me. Take me
to bed.
[South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. Ike is onstage
singing "Yankee Doodle Boy"]
IKE
I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart,
She's my Yankee Doodle girl.
[holds up some sparklers]
'Ankee Doodle came to London,
Just to ride the ponies,
[throws them off and gets inside a small cannon next to him.
The barrel rises until it's in launch pisition]
I am da Yankee Doodle
I am da Yankee Doodle
I am da Yankee Doodle boy.
[The cannon shoots him out and he lands clear across the stage.
Some applause greets the performance. As the props are taken
away, Ike takes off his hat and bows low to everyone, then puts
on his top hat and walks off]
MRS. GARRISON
Okay, very nice, Ike, thank you. All
right, children, it looks like we have
no more contestants, which means, the
Talent Show is over!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Mr. Mackey, it's over.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Huh? Oh oh oh, right.
MRS. GARRISON
Now we will tally up the judges' scores
and find out which act they hated the
least.
JIMMY
Hold everything! Mrs. Garrison, if
you don't mind, I'll be taking that
microphone..
Okay, let's put our hands together for
Jimmy Valmer.
Wow, what a terrific audience. So apparently
it's been exactly two years since the
fall of Baghdad. Have you seen this?
Have you heard about this? Just as B-Bush
predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell,
Saddam fell. The only thing that didn't
fall was ...the price of gas. I just
read in the paper that China's protesting
Japan. Have you seen this? Have you
heard about this? Yeah, I guess in China
you don't get to- You've gotta be kidding
me.
THE END
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