"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 415
"FAT CAMP"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's classroom. Ms.
Choksondik enters and stands before the blackboard.]
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright, children, as I'm sure you all
remember, today we are going to continue
our biology lesson... b dissecting an
organism.
CLASS
Yeah!
BEBE, NEW KUD
Woohoo.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Now, what we are going to dissect today
is the West Indian manatee. Manatees
are mammals that live in the oceans
and are often called the gentle clowns
of the sea.
WENDY
Aha, Ms. Choksondik, aren't manatees
endangered?
MS. CHOKSONDIK
They sure are, Wendy, and that's why
we must learn what's inside them. Now,
we don't have quite enough manatees
to go around, so I think we're gonna
have to split up into groups of four.
BUTTERS
Hey! Ours is still alive!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Oh, hold on. Now, children, our first
incision will be along the abdomen.
STAN
I can't do it, dude.
KYLE
Aw, don't be such a baby! You do it,
Kenny.
KENNY
(Nuh uh!)
KYLE
Come, on, Kenny! I'll give you five
bucks to do it!
KENNY
(FIVE BUCKS???)
STAN
Too bad Cartman's missng this. He must
be really sick.
[The Cartman house, living room. Cartman and his mom watch TV.
Cartman laughs. Terrance and Phillip are on. They are dressed
as detectives They look at a corpse with a dagger stabbed into
the chest]
PHILLIP
Say Terrance, this body appears to have
been moved since the murder. Look at
the forensic evidence around the torso.
TERRANCE
I don't see anything.
PHILLIP
Look closer. Closer. Hunh-nh.
TERRANCE
I still don't see anything, Phillip.
PHILLIP
Waitwait. Hunh.
CARTMAN
I know what's gonna happen, Mom. You
wanna know what's gonna happen?
PHILLIP
Keep looking, Terrance. The forensic
evidence is right around here. Ah!
Af!
TERRANCE
AAHahahahahahaaa!
CARTMAN
Whoa! That totally surprised me! I
can't believe how the show manages to
stay fresh.
LIANE
Eh yes, sweetie.
CARTMAN
Mom.can you go make me a toaster pastry
chocolate-mix butter bar?
LIANE
Oohh, honey, why don't you make it yourself?
Mommy's expecting some company.
CARTMAN
God, I have to everythng around here!
[The Cartman house, kitchen. Cartman grabs a stool and walks
over to the kitchen counter with it. He starts singing softly
as he prepares his dish. He pulls out some Pop Toasties and puts
them in a toaster, gets some powdered chocolate milk and a stick
of butter, rolls the butter in the powdered milk, gets the Pop
Toasties, and places the chocolate-covered butter between the
two Pop Toasties. He squeezes down for good measure and makes
his way out of the kitchen.]
[The Cartman house, living room. Cartman enters singing to himself]
CARTMAN
I'mo drag home myself, babih. But the-
What the hell's going on?
LIANE
Uh, sweetie, your friends wanted to
have a "talk" with you.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Eric, your friends and your family are
all... concerned about your weight. M'kay?
CARTMAN
What?!
DR. DOCTOR
We believe that you might have a problem.
CARTMAN
You're God-damn right I have a problem!
Terrance and Phillip is on and I don't
have anywhere to sit! Now what the hell
is this?!
MR. GARRISON
It's called intervention, Eric.
LIANE
Your friends and I have all chipped
in and we're going to send you up to
a weight-management retreat.
CARTMAN
Fat camp?
DR. DOCTOR
Yes, fat camp.
CARTMAN
Alright, I don't know who the hell put
you all up to this, but I am sure as
hell not going to any gay-ass fat camp!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Now, Eric, all these people came here
and paid to send you to camp because
they care about you.
MR. GARRISON
Yeah, except for me. I just wanted to
see the look on your face when they
told you.
CARTMAN
Mom, tell them! Tell them I'm not fat,
I'm just big-boned! Tell them all those
stories about how everyone in your famiy
was big as a child but then grew into
their bodies!
LIANE
Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're
just fat.
[South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's class. The manatees
have been dissected in various places, and body parts are all
over the desks and floor. A drawing of the manatee and its organs
is now on the blackboard.]
MS. CHOKSONDIK
And now we will be removing the spleen.
Notice how the manatee's spleen is designed
for a qu-
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Ah, Ms. Choksondik, can we have a quick
word with you?
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright, continue with the removal
of the spleen, childen. I'll be right
back.
KYLE
Aw, dude, check this out.
STAN
That's so gross.
KYLE
Hey, Kenny. How much for you to eat
this?
KENNY
(I'm not eatin' that!)
KYLE
I'll give you ten bucks to eat it.
STAN
I'll throw in five.
[South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Principal Victoria talks
to Ms. Choksondik there.]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
And so apparently there's been a little
mixup. The manatees were meant to go
to the Denver Shelter Aquarium and the
frogs were meant to come here.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Oh dear.
[South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's class. Some desks
have been moved aside and the kids continue contributing to the
kitty...]
BUTTERS
I'll throw in a dollar!
BEBE
I've got three.
KYLE
Come on, dude. All you gotta do is eat
it very fast!
STAN
forty-one bucks. Eww-ho-hoo! He did
it!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright, children, now, let's get back
in our seats. Uh, we are now going to
put the manatees back together.
[A wooded area, day. A camp is shown in some hills. It is called
"Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center." The Cartman
station wagon drives into the camp]
LIANE
...And it has basketball courts and tennis
courts, and you can call Mommy any time
you want. Oh, sweetie-kins, don't be
mad. I'm sure you're going to have a
good time. And when you come back you'll
be all healthy and thin.
MALE COUNSELOR
Howdy there. I'm one of the weight counselors
here. This must be Eric Cartman.
LIANE
Yes. I'm afraid he's a little moody.
MALE COUNSELOR
Oh, we'll change that. Hello, camper.
My name is Rick. How are you doing?
CARTMAN
Well, I'm pissed off!, Rick! How are
you?
RICK
I'm doing great! Why don't you come
on out and we'll get yo oriented. I'll
take care of him from here, ma'am.
LIANE
Oh. Well, goodbye, sweetie.
CARTMAN
Don't touch me!
RICK
Eric, this is the beginning of a whole
new life for you!
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, later. A
group of kids, all of them fat, stand in a circle and look at
each other.]
BRUNETTE
Have you got any candy?
CARTMAN
No.
Taller Boy [to Cartman's left] My mon says I ain't to eat no
candy here. I'm s'psoed to lose weight.
RICK
Alright! Everybody's here and that
means we can get down to business! Over
the next few weeks we're gonna learn
that losing weight is fun, right gang?
TALLER BOY
Right.
RICK
Wait a second. Do you kids hear something?
I could've swore that-
PINK MONSTER
Raaarrrr!!!
RICK
Oh no, kids! It's glutinous fat!
PINK MONSTER
I'm gonna take over your body and make
you slow!
RICK
Oh! What are we going to do? Wait! I
know! I could knock it out! With... Exercise!
And... Proper Diet.
PINK MONSTER
Oh no! Exercise and proper diet have
killed me.
RICK
I guess we took care of that bad old
fat, didn't we kids?
TALLER BOY
Yeah!
RICK
Well, hold on a second. Because that
glutinous fat was really our good friend,
Susan, who's another weight counselor!
TALLER BOY
Heh! It was a lady in a costume!
CARTMAN
Would somebody put this retard out
of his misery?!
[South Park Elementary, day, playground. Stan and Pip stand by
Kenny, who's groaning in pain and holding his stomach.]
KYLE
What's the matter?
STAN
Kenny's not feeling so good. That manatee
spleen made him sick.
KYLE
Uh oh. I guess we shouldn't have made
him eat it.
KIDS
Eewww.
STAN
Well, at least you got it out of your
system.
KYLE
Aw, dude! You can still kinda see the
spleen! How much, Kenny?
KENNY
(WHAT?!)
KYLE
I'll give you five bucks.to eat your
puke.
BUTTERS
Huh-I'm in for five!
STAN
Oh, you guys!
CLYDE
I've got three.
TOKEN
Six!
BUTTERS
Uh-here. Uh-you can scoop it up in my
R. Kelly thermos.
KYLE
That's 19 bucks, Kenny!
KENNY
(Ungh.)
KIDS AROND KENNY
: AAAAA!
KIDS AROUND TIMMY
: Waugh.
KYLE
Kick ass, dude!
STAN
You know, dude, there might be something
to this.
KYLE
Yeah. People are willing to pay big
money to see Kenny do this stuff.
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, later. The
counselors come up over a hill and down the other side jogging.
They stop]
RICK
Doing great kids! Come on!
CARTMAN
This... is... bullcrap!
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, mess hall,
after dinner. Rick is talking to the kids]
RICK
Well, I sure enjoyed my carrots and
protein bar! How about you, gang?
CARTMAN
I'm starving. This is it. I'm going
to die here.
SUSAN
I hope you all left room for dessert.
Soybean pudding for everybody!
BRUNET BOY
Are you going to eat your soybean pudding?
CARTMAN
Take it! I can't eat this crap!
BLONDE GIRL
Me neither. I have to have sugar or
I'm going to die.
CARTMAN
Yeah, well, when I was in prison, we
used to sneak stuff in by hiding it
up oour ass.
BRUNET BOY
I have some Fudge 'Ems up my ass. You
want some?
CARTMAN
Psss. Yeah, I'm not falling for that
one again!
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, night. Cartman
sneaks out and creeps along the side of the campers' cabin]
CARTMAN
Alright, Clyde Frog. We just gotta clear
the counselor building and we're free.
We did it, Clyde Frog! Now the only
question is, do we go home to our traitor
moms and friends, or do we start a new
life on the run? An ice cream truck!
Hey wait! Boy, am I glad to see you!
DRIVER
Can I interest you in some ice cream?
CARTMAN
You're damn right you can! Two Roller
Pops, please!
DRIVER
Alrighty, do you want this kind or
this kind?
CARTMAN
Hunh? Uuh!
BOY 1
They tricked us again, huh?
CARTMAN
Aw, God-damnit! LET ME OUT OF HMYA!
DRIVER
Hang on, we'll be back at camp in a
matter of no time.
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, moments later.
The campers' cabin door is opened and the five escapees return
to their bunks]
BOY 1
They always get us. Sometimes it's a
ice cream truck, sometimes it's a taco
stand. But they always fool us..
TALLER BOY
Heh-I can't help it. I'd give anything.
Any amount of money for some candy.
RICK
Hey kids!
SUSSAN
Looks like we had some attemptted escapees
again tonight.
RICK
Escape-aroo! Now campers, I know that
camp is tough, but you have to believe
that you can do it. And you have to
know that until you drop the weight,
you can't leave.
SUSAN
Thre is no escape.
RICK
So let's just all put on our try-hard
helmets, and accept that the only way
for us to get out of camp, is to LOSE
THE WEIGHT
ERIC
Aw, damnit!
[South Park, the Cartman house. Butters and Timmy have replaced
Cartman in the boy's group for now, and they stand in front of
the Broflosdki parents, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, Sharon March,
Principal Victoria, and Dr. Doctor. They argue amongst themselves.]
KYLE'S FATHER
That's what being young is all about.
MR. GARRISON
But that's not the question.
LIANE
Thanks for coming, everybody.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh what's all this about, Mrs. Cartman?
Is Eric having trouble at havin' trouble
at his weight-management camp?
STAN
We knew he wouldn't make it.
LIANE
Oh, no. Quite the contrary. Eric showed
up and surprised me last night. Ladies
and gentlemen, I would like to present
to you... the new Eric Cartman.
NEW CARTMAN
Hey, dudes!
KYLE
Whoa!
STAN
I don't believe it.
LIANE
Believe it. He lost 40 pounds at his
fat camp.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Eric, that's fantastic, m'kay?!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Congratulations. How do you feel?
NEW CARTMAN
I feel awesome!
KYLE
What did they do with all the fat? There
must have been enough to last an Eskimo
family months.
NEW CARTMAN
You know, Kyle? There was a time when
your fat jokes would have gotten to
me. But now I'm totally slim and totally
happy! In fact, I'd say I'm a little
bit trimmer than you, fatboy! Heh heh.
Just kidding, Kyle.
LIANE
I made some healthy tofu pudding to
celebrate. Who wants some?
CARTMAN
Memememeee!
KYLE
Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like
the new Eric Cartman.
STAN
Did you like the old one?
KYLE
Good point.
[Jesus and Pals]
ANNOUNCER
And now back to Jesus and Pals, on South
Park Public Access.
JESUS
Back to our courageous story of a little
boy's triumph over obesity. Eric, yea.
You found that the Spirit of the Lord
inside you gave you strength.
NEW CARTMAN
No. Actually, I found a diet that totally
works.
JESUS
A little boy who overcame the odds.
Let's hear it for Eric Cartman! Well,
our second guest tonight is a young
man named Kenny McCormick, who is going
to eat dog crap. Kenny?
NEW CARTMAN
God-damnit, all I got was a little golf
clap!
JESUS
Thanks for coming on the show, Kenny.
KENNY
(Sure!)
MAN 1
Do it again!
MAN 2
Do it again!
MAN 3
Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat
a really old piece of bacon!
NEW CARTMAN
This is ridiculous!
JESUS
So. Kenny, how did you discover that
you had this... talent?
STAN
We thought of it, Jesus. I mean, Kenny's
the one that does it all, but we were
the masterminds of the whole thing.
JESUS
I can't say I approve of this, my children.
KYLE
Huh? Why not?
JESUS
Because Kenny is only doing things that
anybody could do. For money. He's a
prostitute.
MAN 4
I'll pay him 50 bucks to eat someone
else's vomit.
MAN 5
Yeah!
MAN 6
Yeah! Go for it!
STAN
What's a prostitute?
KYLE
I don't know.
[South Park Elementary, day, cafeteria. The kids mill around
and eat during lunchtime. In line for their lunches are Criag,
Tweek, Butters, and a few others. In the kitchen Stan, Kyle,
and Kenny arrive for their lunches.]
CHEF
Hello there, children!
STAN, KYLE, KENNY
Hey, Chef:
STAN
Chef, what's a prostitute?
CHEF
Dag-nabbit children! How come every
time you come in here you gotta be askin'
me questons that I shouldn't be answering?!
"Chef, what's the clitoris?" "What's
a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call
it a rim jub, Chef?" For once, can't
just come in here and say, "Hi Chef.
Nice day, isn't it?"!
STAN
Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?
CHEF
It sure is! Thank you.
STAN
Chef, what's a prostitute?
CHEF
Uh uh! You children are gonna get me
in trouble with the principal again.
NEW CARTMAN
Lunchtime! I'm starved!
CHEF
Oh my God. Eric?
NEW CARTMAN
That's me.
STAN
Chef was just about to tell us what
a protitute is.
CHEF
Why do you need to know what a prostitue
is anyway?!
STAN
Because Jesus told us that Kenny's a
prostitute. Is he?
KENNY
(Yeah. Am I?)
CHEF
Well, no, uh of course Kenny is not
a prostitute.
KYLE
Why?
CHEF
Well, because, children, a prostitute
is someone who... you could pay for certain
services.
STAN
Like what?
CHEF
Like keeping you company. Understand?
STAN
No.
CHEF
You see, chidren, sometimes a man needs
to be with a woman. But sometimes, when
the lovin' is over, the woman just wants
to talk and talk and talk and talk.
But a prostitute is someonen who would love you
No matter who you are, or what you look like. Yes, it's true,
children.
[the new Crtman looks at the other boys as he starts sneaking
away. They don't notice him. Other kids, Jordan, Token, Clyde,
Butters, and Bebe, enter the kitchen]
That's not why you pay a prostitute,
no, you don't pay her to stay, you pay her to leave afterwards.
[Principal Victoria arrives and listens]
That's why I pays a lot for prostitutes! Ladies and Gentlemen,
Mr. James Taylor.
JAMES TAYLOR
A prostitute is like any other woman
They all trade somethin' for sex and they do it well.
[the new Cartman goes into the upply room and starts packing
donuts into his backpack]
CHEF
And that's why I say-
CHEF
Oohhhh ...James Taylor, what the hell
are you doin' in here?! Singing' about
prostitutes to the children! Get out
of here! ...These children tricked me!
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, that night.
After being tucked int bed, the new Cartman senaks out and rides
a bike towards the Center, hides the bike near the entrance,
and approaches the gate]
NEW CARTMAN
Oh, there you are. Alright, I got the
goods. Some candy bars, a few donuts,
and some beef gravy.
CARTMAN
Is anyone starting to suspect anything?
NEW CARTMAN
Nobody. Your mom even thinks I'm a skinny
you.
CARTMAN
Ahawesome! Alright, throw it over!
NEW CARTMAN
Uh uh. One thing. I want a bigger cut.
CARTMAN
What?!
NEW CARTMAN
I'm the one risking my ass, running
around in that stupid town pretending
to be you and collecting all the food
to bring up here! All you have to do
is sit back and sell it to all the fat
kids!
CARTMAN
Alright alright! Keep your voice down!
I'll bump you up to 10%.
NEW CARTMAN
Twenty.
CARTMAN
Suck my balls, 20!
NEW CARTMAN
Fine! Then I shall bid you good day!
CARTMAN
Waitwaitwaitwait! Fine, 20! But just
remember that your parents thnk that
you're in the drug rehab center next
door! You blow your cover and we're
both screwed!
[The University of Colorado, dorm room. Several students are
reading their books while clothes is strewn all over the place]
STUDENT 1
You guys! You have to check this tape
out!
STUDENT 2
Ey, we're trying to study. Finals are
tomorrow.
STUDENT 1
No, dude, check this out! It's a video:
this kid, he does all kinds of crazy
stuff. Check it out! He jumped into
a Porto-Potty at a construction site
and stayed there for four days!
OTHER STUDENTS
Whoa!
KENNY
(Ow.)
STUDENT 1
Oh, gro-hoss
STUDENT 3
Sick!
STUDENT 2
That's awesome! Hey guys! Check this
out!
[The Krazy Kenny Show, live]
ANNOUNCER
Get ready for the Krrrrrrazy Kenny
Show! And now here's your host, the
kid who will do anythng to himself for
money, Krrrra--a--a-a-azy Kenny! Kenny,
through the past weeks we've seen you
eat mice, pretend to kill newborn babies
to shock their mothers and ...wash your
hair with battery acid. The question
in all our minds is, who-haht are you
gonna do next?
KENNY
(Well, I'm gonna give my grandfather
a full-body sensual massage.)
ANNOUNCER
Whoa-ho ho! You heard him, folks! Kenny
is going to give a sensual full-body
massage to his own grandfather!
MAN 1
Oho! Yeah!
MAN 2
Woohoo!
[Fanfare as the stage rotates to reveal Kenny's grandfather relaxing
on a heart-shaped bed. Kenny opens up a pcket of ]
AUDIENCE
Awww! Awgh!
STAN
Wow! This is Kenny's best show ever!
NEW CARTMAN
This is so juvenile.
KYLE
Cartman, what the hell's the matter
with you?
STAN
Yeah, you've gotten lame since you got
skinny. What's up?
NEW CARTMAN
Eh, nothing. Hey, can I have some of
that licorice to- take home?
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, next night.
Rick is in the campers' cabin]
RICK
Alright campers, good work today. Lights
out, and we'll see you tomorrow for
more exercise and proper diet.
SUSAN
All beddy-byes for the night, are they?
RICK
I don't know what we're doing wrong,
Susan. These kids aren't losing the
weight.
SUSAN
We;ll just have to give them more time.
They'll do it!
RICK
They'll do it.
SUSAN
They'll do it!!
CARTMAN
Alright, they're gone! The Cartman
store is open!
BLONDE GIRL
Two donuts and a pack of licorice,
please.
CARTMAN
Two donuts and a pack of licorice.
Well, Tony, the usual? Why are you
crying, Chad?
CHAD
'Cause I'm always gonna be fat. I don't
wanna eat no sweets, but I can't control
myself when they're right in front of
me like this. All my life I've been
fat. I've beh- I've been to seven camps
and I swore to my momma that I'd lose
the weight. I want to, but I can't help
myself.
CARTMAN
Hey, Chad, eh... You know what you need?
You need a friend.
CHAD
I'd, I do?
CARTMAN
Yes. A chocolate friend. Mr. Candy
Bar doesn't judge you, Chad. Mr. Candy
Bar likes you just the way you are.
Look at how yummy and sweet he is.
...There you go. That'll just be four
dollars. ...There you go.
[A Krazy Kenny Show promo]
ANNOUNCER
This week on Pay Per View , Krazy Kenny
will crawl up into a woman's uterus
and stay there for six hours. Don't
miss this once-in-a-lifetime event.
Order now!
[The big city, day. City noise is heard. Next shot is in a studio,
with Howard Stern hosting, and three guests. On the walls are
posters, one of which is of Eltn John. Two loves dolls are in
the background, and the Antonio Banderas one is behind Stern]
HOWARD STERN
Alright, so we're back talkin' to three
competing celebrities: Tom Green, Johnny
Knoxville from MTV's Jackass and Krazy
Kenny.
TOM GREEN
Hey, Howard.
HOWARD STERN
Krazy Kenny is here to promote his Pay-Per-View
special this week, where he will crawl
up into a bus driver's uterus and stay
there for six hous.
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Wow!
HOWARD STERN
Now, some people that all you guys do
is perform sick and disgusting acts
for shock value and money, which makes
you whores. But I'd like to prove them
wrong. So what I'm gonna do... is I'm
gonna offer each of you $50,000 to give
me oral sex right now.
TOM GREEN
I'm in.
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Me too.
KENNY
(And me!)
HOWARD STERN
Oh.
TOM GREEN
Fine! I'll do it for 40!
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
30.
TOM GREEN
20!
KENNY
(...Ten bucks!)
HOWARD STERN
Ooh, the kid says he'll do it for ten
bucks.
TOM GREEN
Damnit. I'm out.
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Me too. I guess he is the biggest whore.
HOWARD STERN
Alright, let's get going, then. Can
we cut the cameras?
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, day. Exercise...]
RICK
And we're gonna reach fo the sky...
CAMPERS
Woo-aagh.
Rick... And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his fingertips]
CAMPERS
Woo-ugh.
RICK
And up to the sky...
CAMPERS
Woo-aagh.
Rick... And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his fingertips]
CAMPERS
Woo-ugh.
SUSAN
Please, Mr. Sanders.
MR. SANDERS
No! I have had it!
RICK
What's happening?
SUSAN
Horace's parents want to take him home.
RICK
Oh! But he's not ready yet.
MR. SANDERS
Look at what you've done to my boy!
You told Horace that he was responsible
for his weight! You made him believe
that with exercise and proper diet,
he could be thin! When we told you it
was his genetics!
RICK
They can lose the weight if they try.
MR. SANDERS
Look at these kids! They're not getting
any thinner! Your camp is a fraud!
You need to accept the fact that most
fat people are just genetically fat!
SUSAN
Please, sir, if you give us one more
week,...
MR. SANDERS
Your time is up!
MRS. SANDERS
Yeah, your time is up!
MR. SANDERS
And I'm going to call all the other
parents to tell them to come claim their
kids as well! Your camp is a WASTE ...of
time!
HORACE
But, Dad, I...
MR. SANDERS
What?!
HORACE
...Nothin'.
SUSAN
We're in trouble, Rick.
[South Park, day. At the television studio preparations are made
for Kenny's test of endurance. Tweek, Token, Clyde, Butters,
and Kyle (with hammer) are onstage. The sounds of sawing and
hammering fill the air. Ms. Crabtree is prepped for the test,
with her legs spread open and the genital area blocked off by
small curtains.]
KYLE
Alright, Ms. Crabtree. Is it comf'table
enough?
MS. CRABTREE
HOW LONG HAVE I GOT TO SIT HERE?
KYLE
Six hours.
MS. CRABTREE
HELL, I'LL DO SIX HOURS FOR THE FIVE
HUNDRED BUCKS YOU'RE PAYING ME!
KYLE
Great.
STAN
You guys! It's Kenny! He's been arrested
for prostitution in New York!
KYLE
For what?
STAN
For giving Howard Stern a hummer!
BUTTERS
Who-what's a hummer??
STAN
I don't know! All I know is Kenny is
in jail for at least three months!
KYLE
Three months?! But the per-per-view
is tomorrow!
STAN
I know!
KYLE
He worked so hard, come so close. Now
we'll never see Kenny crawl up into
Ms. Crabtree's uterus.
NEW CARTMAN
You know, maybe we've all learned something
here. I mean, we set Kenny up to further
and further himself each time, havin'
to always outdo himself. Now he's in
jail for being a whore. And perhaps,
just perhaps, we are to blame.
KYLE
...Alright, that does it! This has been
bothering the hell out of me! I knew
it! You're not Cartman at all!
NEW CARTMAN
Uh oh.
[The Krazy Kenny Show. The big moment arrives]
ANNOUNCER
Well, we'vee seen him do just about
every disgusting thing in the book,
and today live on pay-per-view, Krazy
Kenny is going to crawl into a woman's
uterus for six hours! Well, Ms. Crabtree,
your cervix has been dilated, your womb
equipped with oxygen- How do you feel?
MS. CRABTREE
I feel great! I haven't had this much
attention paid to my coot since I was
16!
AUDIENCE
Hooray!
ANNOUNCER
Well, let's bring out the man of the
hour, you know him as the-
[The Krazy Kenny Show, backstage. Kyle and Stan get the new Cartman,
now the new Kenny, ready, dressing him like Kenny.]
KYLE
Don't wory, dude. You're gonna do great.
NEW KENNY
No way! I'm not doing this!
KYLE
Hoh, you're doing it, or else we're
gonna bust your whole scheme wide open,
and tell your mom you haven't actually
been at your drug rehab this whole time!
NEW KENNY
But this isn't fair!
STAN
Deal, druggie!
NEW KENNY
(But I'm gonna starve to death if I
get in there)
[The Krazy Kenny Show, later]
ANNOUNCER
And here he is, Kenny McCormick! We
can watch him on the video monitors.
How are you doin' in there, Kenny?
MRS. MCCORMICK
That's my boy!
[Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, next day.
The parents have come for their campers. All the parents are
fat, too.]
RICK
Good-bye, Chad.
CHAD'S DAD
We'll be wanting our refund, naturally.
RICK
Naturally.
SUSAN
Good-bye, Alice.
ALICE
Good-bye. Thank you.
RICK
Oh, don't thnak us. We failed you.
CARTMAN
...65, 66, 67...
CHAD
Wait a second! This isn't right! It's
time for me to be responsible for my
own actions! Mom, Dad, we've been eating
candy this whole time! Eric Cartman's
been sneaking in junk food!
CARTMAN
Eh- shut up, you half-Chad!
HORACE
No, he's right. The counselors've been
doing a good job. We've just been cheating.
OTHER CAMPERS
Yeah.
HORACE
I believe I can lose the weight with
exercise and proper diet. I don't wanna
make excuses no more.
GIRL
Me neither.
OTHER CAMPERS
Yeah.
HORACE
If you take us back, we promise we won't
cheat.
RICK
Well, it's alright with me. Parents?
MR. SANDERS
Well, what the heck. Maybe when you're
all donen you can teaach me a thing
or two, huh son?
CARTMAN
You know? You guys are right. I'm sick
of being the fat kid, too. I've been
making excuses all my life. But I know
deep down that if I took responsibility
and really tried hard, and we all tried
together, well we really can lose the
weight!
SUSAN
Oh no, not you. You're not welcome here
anymore.
CAMPERS
Yeah.
CARTMAN
What?!
RICK
Bubbye.
CARTMAN
Well, screw you, fatasses!
[The Krazy Kenny Show, stage. The countdown continues...]
AUDIENCE
Four, three, two, one!
ANNOUNCER
He did it! Come on out, Kenny! You
made it six hours, Kenny. Come on out
of there. Hmmm. Uh, Ms. Crabtree, maybe
you could give him a little push.
AUDIENCE
OOOOHHHHHH!
DR. DOCTOR
He's dead. The pressure must have killed
him.
MS. CRABTREE
I told you I was a tight virgin flower.
STAN
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny! ...Sort
of.
KYLE
Yeah. They've kinda killed Kenny -'s
look-alike. You bastards!
ANNOUNCER
Well, he gave his life for our amusement.
One little boy who dared to be different.
Let us never forget... Kenny McCormick.
Who was that?
THE END
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