"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 609
"FREE HAT"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The Bijou, day, inside. The four boys are seated in the front
row in the nearly empty theater. A couple sits near the back,
just three rows behind.]
STAN
Oh, cool. A preview.
ANNOUNCER
Coming this summer , it's the classic
film that changed America. E.T.: The
Extraterrestrial, the new, redone version
for 2002. All the E.T. effects have
been digitally upgraded. All the guns
have been digitally changed to walkie-talkies.
And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed
to "HIPPIE."
STAN
Aw, dude, why would they do that?
CARTMAN
Yeah, hippies and terrorists are the
same thing.
KYLE
No, dude. They only changed "terrorist"
to "hippie" to make E.T. more P.C.
STAN
That's gay.
ANNOUNCER
Coming this summer, it's the motion
picture that changed America. Saving
Private Ryan, the RE-RE-RELEASE, where
the word "NAZI" has been changed to
"PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES,"
and all their guns have been replaced
by walkie-talkies.
STAN
Why the hell do these directors keep
updating their movies?
ANNOUNCER
And now, for your feature presentation:
the classic RE-RE-RE-RELEASE of Star
Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
THE BOYS
Woohoo!
ANNOUNCER
In the version, the word "WOOKIE" has
been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL"
and the entire cast has been digitally
replaced by Ewoks.
THE BOYS
AWWWW!!!
[The Bijou, day, outside. The boys exit the theater]
STAN
Goddamnit, that pissed me off!
CARTMAN
Yeah, we want our money back!
SHLOMO
Sorry, suckers!
CARTMAN
You asshole!
KYLE
Why don't they leave those movies alone?
We liked them the way they were!
TWEEK
Don't you see what this means? All our
favorite movies are going to be changed,
and updated, until we can't even recognize
them anymore.
STAN
Tweek is right. It isn't fair for those
asshole directors to keep changing their
movies and making them different! Movies
are art, and art shouldn't be modified!
KYLE
Yeah, what if they had modified the
Roman Coliseum every year? It would
just be another big douchey stadium
now.
STAN
We have to do something. Let's form
a club.
CARTMAN
Yeah! We can form a club that takes
food stamps from poor people and then
sells them back to the government for
a profit.
STAN
No, fatass! I mean a club to protect
films from their directors, so they
can't be messed with!
KYLE
Yeah. We'll be the "Save Films From
Their Own Directors" club
CARTMAN, STAN
Yeah
TWEEK
NO! Nono, ah I don't wanna form a club!
That's too much pressure! Look, ah-I'm
supposed to take it easy; just, watch
the clouds, sit on the grass. And, if
we form a club there'll be responsibilites.
Commitments!
CARTMAN
Tweek, now Goddamnit, we picked you
to be our new friend to replace Kenny
because we thought you were a team player!
TWEEK
I'm not! I'm not a team player!
CARTMAN
Now, either you stop with these faggotronics
or we'll find someone to replace YOU!
TWEEK
D'oh-ho! Oh Jesus!
[South Park, later. The boys stand next to a phone pole and Stan
nails a sign onto it. He finishes and backs up to have a good
look at it.]
CARTMAN
Dude, that sign sucks! Nobody's gonna
show up!
STAN
Well what's wrong with it?
CARTMAN
Look at it, dude. You're not offereing
any fabulous prizes. You have to offer
fabulous prizes if you want people to
show up for your stupid crap. Here.
KYLE
"Free hat?"
CARTMAN
Yeah, if you offer free hats, m-maybe
people will show up.
TWEEK
But we don't have hats!
CARTMAN
Well we can just make them out of paper.
TWEEK
Aahh!
CARTMAN
It's not hard, it's just a stupid little
paper hat. People just need free stuff
- don't you guys know anything?!
TWEEK
You see?? First we were just forming
a club, now we have to make hats! When
does it end??
STAN
Alright, let's go get the gymnasium
ready. Tweek, you go make fifty hats.
TWEEK
Fifty hats? Oh Jesus!
[Tweek's house, later. He's at his desk in his room frantically
making paper hats. His mug of coffee sits off to his left]
TWEEK
Ah! I'll never make it! I'll never make
it!
RICHARD
Tweek!
TWEEK
Hrrr!
RICHARD
Calm down, son. Remember what Dr. Norris
told you. Find your center.
TWEEK
My center. My... center. Calm Cup?
CARTMAN
Tweek! TWEEK!! TWEEK!!
TWEEK
Gaaaaah!
CARTMAN
How many hats have you made?
TWEEK
Oh God!
CARTMAN
We only have until 10 a.m. tomorrow!
Get the lead out!
TWEEK
Aaaah! Oh God!
[South Park Elementary gymnasium, next day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman
stand outside the doors waiting for Tweek, who rushes up to them
with a box of hats. A poster behind them seems to have fallen
off the wall]
TWEEK
You guys, we have a big problem!
STAN
What?
TWEEK
I was up, all night, making hats. I
only slept for an hour, ...and then
I dreamt about making hats, but I only
made fifteen!
KYLE
Calm down, Tweek. Fifteen might be enough.
STAN
Yeah, let's see if anyone has even shown
up yet. Dude, there's like a thousand
people in there!
TWEEK
A thousand? Oh Jesus man! I don't have
nearly a thousand hats!
CARTMAN
Then I'mo kick your ass, Tweek!
TWEEK
Goohoo!
KYLE
Wait. It's okay. Look, maybe these
people all turned out because they believe
in saving films. Maybe they don't even
care about the free hats.
CROWD
Free hat! Free hat! Free hat!
TWEEK
Oh God!
CARTMAN
I told you guys: never underestimate
the power of a free hat.
CROWD
Free hat! Free hat!
TWEEK
I gotta move away, you guys!
STAN
Relax, Tweek, we're just gonna have
to go in there and explain what happened.
There are more important things right
now than free hats.
[The school gym, inside. The crowd jumps up and cheers as the
four boys enter and climb onstage. Some of the signs they hold
read "FREE HAT," "FREADOM FOR HAT NOW!," and "HAT DIDN'T DO IT"]
STAN
Okay, uh, we wanna thank you all for
coming. We're really happy to see such
enthusiasm for our cause.
CROWD
Yeah! Yeah!
STAN
Uh, one thing before I continue. Unfortuantely
we don't have enough of the... free
hats for everyone.
SKEETER
Eh- Excuse me?
CARTMAN
Yes, we apologize, but our friend Tweek
here didn't make enough of them.
TWEEK
Oh! Jesus! Don't tell them it was me!
WOMAN
We don't care about that.
TWEEK
You don't?
STAN
You mean, you just came because you
believe in our cause?
SKEETER
Yeah. Free Hat.
TWEEK
What?
MAN
Hat McCollough. He was sent to prison
in '82, and we believe he should be
released!
MAN 2
Yeah!
CROWD
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
STAN
Aaaah, , okay apparently there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding. This is
a rally to save films from their directors?
MAN
To do what?
KYLE
We believe that films are pieces of
art that must be preserved from the
perverse hands of their agent filmmakers..
SKEETER
Oh. Sorry. Um, come on, everyone, guess
we're in the wrong place.
CROWD
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
STAN
Waitwaitwaitwait! Don't you see what's
happening out there? The films you all
grew up with, that touched YOUR lives
and are part of YOUR soul are now being
updated and changed. Join us and we
CAN be a group that makes a difference!
SKEETER
Can't we also work towards freeing Hat?
STAN
Uh, sure, and we'll also try to free
Hat.
SOME PEOPLE
Oh yeeaahhh!! Raaaaah!! Woohoo!!
CROWD
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
[Stan's house, later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit at the dining
room table, with Stan counting the sign-ups]
STAN
...212, 213, 214 members!
TWEEK
You guys! You guys! Oh God! Um, I've
got terrible news!
KYLE
What?
TWEEK
Ted Koppel wants us to appear on Nightline
to talk about our cause.
STAN
Really? That's great.
KYLE
Yah.
TWEEK
No it isn't, man! Thahat's waaay too
much pressure!
STAN
If we go on Nightline, the whole country
can hear about what's happening to our
classic films.
CARTMAN
But just remember that I do all the
talking.
KYLE
You?? Why?
CARTMAN
Because I'm the official spokesman.
I got dibs on it.
STAN
When did we do dibs for it?
CARTMAN
Just now - 1 2 3 dibs!
KYLE
Me.
TWEEK
Ga-ahah!
KYLE
Alright, fine! You're the spokesman,
Cartman! But you'd better not screw
it up!
CARTMAN
What could possibly go wrong?
[Nightline. Ted Koppel is at his desk with the four boys in the
inset over his left shoulder]
TED KOPPEL
A new movement is sweeping the country,
led by four determined boys from South
Park, Colorado. The organization was
created to protect Hollywood's classic
films from the hands of their directors.
And also to free Hat McCollough. So
boys, I ask you the question that's
on everyone's minds, why does your organization
want to free Hat McCollough, the convicted,
confessed serial murderer of twenty-three
babies?
CARTMAN
...I believe that can best be answered
by our official spokesman, Tweek.
TWEEK
Gaaarh!
TED KOPPEL
Well, Hat McCollough admitted he killed
those toddlers? Why do you want him
free?
TWEEK
Oh, Jesus, man! ...N'ahah!
TED KOPPEL
Just answer me this, Tweek: What do
you see as "positive" about toddler
murder?
TWEEK
Ahah. U-uh. It's easy?
TED KOPPEL
Yes... It is easy. Alright, then on
to your other cause, saving films from
their directors. What got you boys interested
in this, especially given your pro-toddler-murder
status?
KYLE
We believe that films have to be taken
away from people like Steven Spielberg
and George Lucas because they're insane.
TED KOPPEL
Well I'm glad you said that, boys, because
joining us now are Steven Spielberg
and George Lucas.
TWEEK
Oh Christ! Wwwaaaaaaah!
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Hello, Ted.
GEORGE LUCAS
Oh hi, Ted.
TED KOPPEL
Gentlemen, these toddler-murder fans
think you're insane and shouldn't be
allowed to alter your films. Your response?
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Well, first of all, both George and
I are very firmly against the murdering
of toddlers.
GEOGRE LUCAS
You're here.
CARTMAN
Dude, that's Steven Spielberg and George
Lucas.
TWEEK
Get me out of here! Please, somebody
get me out of heeerre!
STEVEN SPIELBERG
And as for altering our films, all we're
doing is trying to reach a... new audience
with our movies. As the makers of dreams,
we like to speak ...for the children.
KYLE
Ah, I thought we were speaking for the
children.
CARTMAN
Yeah, we're children.
STAN
Uh-look, if the Beatles went back and
updated their White Album every few
years, what would we have now?
CARTMAN
Yeah, these guys are only motivated
by money, Ted.
TED KOPPEL
How so?
CARTMAN
Think about it. Spielberg? Jew. Lucas?
Jew. Kyle? Jew. Coincidence?
GEORGE LUCAS
I'm not a Jew!
STEVEN SPIELBERG
You little brat-! Ah, I mean, you darling
children don't know what you're talking
about. Changing E.T. was the best thing
I ewver did.
KYLE
Dude, don't you see that it's not? It'd
be like, changing Raiders of the Lost
Ark!
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Wait a minute. What'd you say?
GEORGE LUCAS
Eh, that's brilliant!
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Yes. Change Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Why didn't we think of it before?!
KYLE
No. NOO!!
[South Park Elementary School Gym, next day. "SAVE FILMS FROM
THEIR DIRECTORS AND FREE HAT MEETING TODAY." The boys stand before
the new club once again.]
STAN
Members, this is our darkest hour. We've
just learned that George Lucas and Steven
Spielberg now intend to update and change
Raiders of the Lost Ark. There's only
one way we can stop this important and
historical piece of art from being harmed.
Mr. Secretary?
CARTMAN
Thank you. Our intelligence tells us
that the original negative to Raiders
of the Lost Ark is currently somewhere
in George Lucas's house. We need to
find and usurp that negative.
MAN 3
And if we get a hold ot the negative
they can't change the movie?
STAN
That is our understanding.
WOMAN
Sounds like a good idea to me. I don't
want them to change Raiders of the Lost
Ark.
CROWD
YEAH!
SKEETER
Yeah! We should go get that negative
as soon as we get Hat free!
CROWD
YEAH! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
KYLE
Nonono! We need to do this first.
WOMAN
But we have to free Hat.
STAN
It's just that, you know, he killed
twenty-three babies.
MAN 4
Well yeah, but it was in self-defense!
CROWD
YEAH!
CARTMAN
He... killed... twenty-three babies
in self-defense?
SKEETER
Hat was attacked maliciously and unprovoked
by a gang of babies in West Town Park.
When that many babies get together they
can be like piranha.
MAN 5
Three eyewitnesses testified that if
Hat hadn't killed those babies, they'd
have killed him!
CROWD
YEAH! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
STAN
Alright alright. But right now we've
gotta focus on getting those original
prints of Raider
SKEETER
He's right. We'd better split up. Some
of you go with the boys and get those
film prints, the rest of us come with
me to go talk to the governor about
freeing Hat.
CROWD
YEAH! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Free Hat!
STAN
Well, it looks like we're gonna have
to do this ourselves.
TWEEK
No! Not this! I'm out! I can't deal
with the stress you guys create!
KYLE
We're just gonna fly to California and
break into George Lucas's house. What's
stressful about that?
TWEEK
Hwaaah!
CARTMAN
Okay, Tweek, let me tell you something:
You've been our new friend now for two
weeks, okay? And I've gotta be honest
with you, it isn't going well.
TWEEK
Haaah!
CARTMAN
People aren't that into you, Tweek.
They find you kind of annoying. Now,
I say you've got one last shot here,
and I don't want you to blow it, okay?
Does that help take the stress off?
[Skywalker Ranch, night. Inside the camera gets a view of Lucas's
library. Among the items there are various props from his Star
Wars films, four Emmys, four Oscars... the door opens and a flashlight
scans the room. Stan, holding the flashlight, walks in with the
other boys]
STAN
Okay, go.
TWEEK
I'm breaking into George Lucas's house.
I'm not breaking into George Lucas's
house. I'm in a green field.
CARTMAN
Stop, Tweek! This is not the time for
faggocity!
KYLE
This looks like the right room.
TWEEK
I'm in a field... surrounded by deer.
STAN
Over here!
KYLE
That's it!
CARTMAN
Alriiight! Get it, Tweek!
TWEEK
Huh uh.
CARTMAN
Get it, you piece of crap, before I
grab your nutsack and twist it!
TWEEK
Guh huh huh!
GEORGE LUCAS
What are you doing?!
TWEEK
Oh God! Oh Jesus!
GEORGE LUCAS
You're the boys from that ...stupid
club. Give me that!
TWEEK
Aaaaaah!
KYLE
Do with us what you will, Mr. Lucas!
But please, don't change Raiders of
the Lost Ark.
GEORGE LUCAS
We're gonna make it better. The movie's
gonna be changed, and that's that!
CARTMAN
Alright, you asked for it. I'm afraid
you leave us no choice. It's time for
Plan B.
STAN
Aw, really?
TWEEK
Oh God, no! Not Plan B!
CARTMAN
You have a heart made of ice, Mr. Lucas,
and so we're goin' tuh melt your icy
heart... with a cool island song. Gentlemen?
GEORGE LUCAS
...What??
CARTMAN
Hit it, Tweek! In the tropical isle
with the coconut tree, there's a lots
of-
STAN
Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. I thought we were
gonna cool his hot heart with a cool
island song.
CARTMAN
...No, he has an icy heart.
KYLE
...But you can't melt ice with a cool
song, 'tardheart.
STAN
So we have to warm his icy heart with
a "hot" island song
CARTMAN
It's a cool island song.
KYLE
Well then we're gonna end up freezing
his hellish heart with a cool island
song.
CARTMAN
Oh, do we wanna do that?
GEORGE LUCAS
ALRIGHT, that does it!
[Skywalker Ranch, day, Lucas's living room. The boys stand behind
Lucas as he talks on the phone with someone]
GEORGE LUCAS
Yes, thank you, officer. The police
are on their way, boys. Soon you'll
be in jail getting RAMMED!
TWEEK
Aaaahh!
STAN
Those rams can do to us what they will,
Mr. Lucas, but we'll never stop trying
to protect films.
KYLE
It's not too late to do what's right.
Give us the print. There's still some
good in you, Mr. Lucas. We know there
is.
GEORGE LUCAS
It is... too late for me, boys.
KYLE
You yourself led the campaign against
the colorization of films. You understand
why films shouldn't be changed.
GEORGE LUCAS
M-that's different. These are my movies.
I made them, and I have the right to
do whatever I want with them
STAN
You're wrong, Mr. Lucas. They're not
your movies. They're ours. All of ours.
We paid to go see them, and they're
just as much a part of our lives as
they are of yours.
KYLE
When an artist creates, whatever they
create belongs to society
GEORGE LUCAS
Have I... become so old that I've forgetten
what being an artist is about?
STAN
Give the print to us so that we can
protect it from Spielberg and anyone
else who wants to alter it.
GEORGE LUCAS
Perhaps... you are right.
A VOICE
STOP! What are you doing, George?!
GEORGE LUCAS
Steven, Uh, I-
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Give me that print, George! We need
to make the alterations!
GEORGE LUCAS
Steven, these boys had a point. I don't
remember what it was, but it was good.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
You haven't let these doe-eyed children
affect your judgment, have you, George?!
Don't forget: you belong to me.
KYLE
Don't listen to him! You still have
a chance to preserve your film!
GEORGE LUCAS
I'm... ah I'm sorry, boys.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Now take the children prisoner!
KYLE
What??
STEVEN SPIELBERG
You troublemakers shall be my guests
of honor at the premiere of the NEW
Raiders of the Lost Ark! Your gay little
club is over!
STAN
Fuck you, Steven Spielberg! Come on,
you guys!
TWEEK
Oh my God they're gonna kill us.
GUARD 1
Don't even think about it, kid! I'm
not afraid to use this walkie-talkie!
GUARD 2
The one with the cocaine-problem escaped,
mein Direktor.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Leave him!! Let him run back to his
mommy! We must get the film ready for
the premiere. Lucas! Come!
[A commercial]
ANNOUNCER
Coming, this summer! It's the digitally-enhanced
re-release of the very first pilot episode
of South Park! Yes, the classic, rough,
hand-made first episode is getting a
make-over for 2002! The simple, funny
aliens are now super-badass and kewl!
Flying saucer? No longer cheap construction
paper, but a 4.0 megapixel constructed
through a masterpiece of technology!
Everything's new! New is better!
TREY PARKER
When we first made South Park, we didn't
wanna use construction paper. We just
had to because it was cheap.
MATT STONE
And now with new technology we can finally
remaster South Park, make it look sharp,
clean and focused.
TREY PARKER
Expensive.
ANNOUNCER
Yes, all the charm of a simple little
cartoon will melt before your eyes
as it is replaced by newer and more
standardized animation!
TREY PARKER
For instance, in the scene at the bus
stop, we always meant to have Imperial
walkers and giant dewback lizards in
the background, but simply couldn't
afford it.
ANNOUNCER
Get this special enhanced version quick,
because another enhanced version will
likely be coming out for 2003!
[School Gym, sometime later. "URGENT" in white has been scrawled
over the sign next to the door. Tweek stands onstage inside,
facing the gathered club]
TWEEK
Members, uuhh, oh Jesus, uh, we have
to do something! Our club president
, treasurer , and secretary have all
been taken hostage be Steven Spielberg!
Haaa!
MAN 3
Prisoner? You mean, like Hat?
TWEEK
Yes, just like hat!!
SKEETER
But the governor won't pardon Hat. So
how can we get him out of prison?
TWEEK
No! Listen to me! We're not talking
about Hat right now, okay?! Gad!! Look,
we went to George Lucas's house a-and
tried to melt his icy heart with a warm
island song, but then Spielberg showed
up and took three of our members prisoner!
They're goin' to premiere their new
Raiders of the Lost Ark, and we have
to rescue them! Do you understand?!
WOMAN
Hey, he's got a point there.
MAN 6
Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's
icy heart with a cool island song!
MEMBERS
Yeah.
TWEEK
No!
SKEETER
No?
MAN 7
No! He's right. We have to freeze his
hot heart with a cool island song.
WOMAN
Or is ti freshen his hot temper with
a cool island song?
MAN 8
Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh
island song.
MAN 9
That's it!
MAN 10
Let's go! Come on!
TWEEK
Oh God. I'm gonna have to do this myself.
Oh God!
[Excess Hollywood. Raiders of the Lost Ark is featured.]
PAT O'BRIEN
Well, the print is finished and the
day has come. Tonight, Steven Spielberg
and George Lucas will be at the premiere
of the new special edition of Raiders
of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests
and other rich people will be on hand
to witness all the updated effects and
modernized technology.
[A desert. Spielberg leads a group of people to the site of the
premiere. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are among the guests, but their
hands are tied behind their backs. Four people follow carrying
a large box from two long poles. The box reads "FINAL PRINT RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK 2002" The three guards are there with Spielberg
and Lucas, and Francis Ford Coppola has joined the lead pack.
The camera follows the group, but slowly pulls back until Tweek
appears with a bazooka on his shoulder]
TWEEK
Hello!
STEVEN SPIELBERG
The kid? The tweaked out kid?!
TWEEK
I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg!
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Your pesistence surprises even me.
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
Surely you don't think you can escape
from this premiere.
TWEEK
That depends on how reasonable we're
all willing to be. All I want are my
friends.
CARTMAN
Wow.
TWEEK
Except for Cartman - you can keep him.
CARTMAN
AY!
FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
And if we refuse?
TWEEK
Then your premiere has no movie!
STAN
He's definitely lost it
KYLE
Yup.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Okay, okay. Stan- stand back, stand
ba- stand back! Back! Okay kid, you
win. Blow it up. Zuroch! Zuroch!
Blow it back to God. All your life
has been the pursuit of seeing a great
film! This new version of Raiders has
digital effects beyond your wildest
dreams! You want to see it screened
just as much as I.
KYLE
Come on, Tweek! Blow it up!
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Son, we are simply passing through
history. This... is imPROVED history.
Do as you will.
[The governor's office, day. The governor is at his desk, bored.
The Free Hat club members break out in song]
MEMBERS
In the tropical isle with the coconut
tree, the air is fresh and the people
are free.
MAN 5
But here in the mountain there's no
freedom like that.
SKEETER
There's a man in prison and his name
is Hat.
[A sign saying "RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK Premiere Tonight" has
alternating blinking lights. The camera moves off the sign and
onto the makeshift open-air theater. Two men bring forth the
Ark of the Covenant, which was in the box. The men move off.
The audience is seen, with the four boys in the very back. Stan
and Kyle are tied to one post, Tweek and Cartman to the other.
Spielberg, dressed as a High Priest, approaches the Ark]
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Hafaa malifi! Thanks for coming, everyone.
This is the birth of the NEW version
of Raiders of the Lost Ark! We shall
screen it here, and then destroy all
the old prints in celebration!
AUDIENCE
Hooray! All right!
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Begin the film!
AUDIENCE
Whoa.
STAN
You guys, close your eyes. Don't look
at it.
TWEEK
Ah, what?!
STAN
Don't watch the movie, you guys. It'll
be terrible. Close your eyes!
AUDIENCE
Whoa. Ahhh.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
It's beyooootiful.
VIEWER 1
Wait a minute. This version is awful!
VIEWER 2
Yeah! They ruined it!
VIEWER 3
Oh my God, it's terrible!
GEORGE LUCAS
AaaaAAAAA!!
[the three men huddle, frightened as they are. On screen, Indy
is reaching for a golden item. Rays of light alight from the
screen and move out over the audience, shooting through the viewers'
chests and killing them. Coppola, Lucas, and Spielberg are overwhelmed
with the energy from the rays. The men become disfigured, then
their faces melt away. Spielberg's head explodes. The rays diffuse,
then gather back into the Ark. The spirits of all killed are
gathered into the Ark as well. The lid lands on the Ark perfectly
with a final roll of thunder. A few second laters, when all is
quiet, Stan raises his head and looks around]
STAN
Yuh, you guys okay.
KYLE
Yeah. I I think so.
CARTMAN
Man, that new version must have sucked
balls.
[South Park, day. A celebration is taking place at South Park
Square. An orchestra performs below the stage. The boys are onstage
watching it all. A man, a mayor's aide, walks up to the mic]
AIDE
Today is a day of celebration, and we
owe it all to these four brave young
boys.
TOWNSMAN
Yeah! Alright!
AIDE
And thanks to the bravery of this young
man in particular, ...Hat McCollough
is finally free from prison!
TOWNSFOLK
Yeah! Woohoohoo!
KYLE
...What?
TOWNSFOLK
Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat!
Hat! Hat!
HAT MCCOLLOUGH
Thank you everyone-KILL! KILL THE INNOCENT!!
Uh, I'm so thankful for all your support-RAPE
THE VIRGINS!! And uh, I just wonder
if i could get a baby real quick?
SKEETER
Sure. Give that man a baby!
TOWNSFOLK
Yeah! Woohoohoo!
STAN
Come on, you guys. Let's get out of
here.
TWEEK
Oh my God!
[South Park, day. The boys walk away from the celebration and
down the street.]
KYLE
Do you think we did a good thing, Stan?
I mean, no one even seemed to notice.
STAN
Yeah well, sometimes the things we do
don't matter right now. Sometimes they
matter... later. We have to care more
about later sometimes, you know? I think
that's what separates us from the Steven
Spielbergs and George Lucases of the
world.
CARTMAN
That and youth. Those guys are old.
TWEEK
But what about the original prints of
Raiders of the Lost Ark? What if somebody
else takes them and tries to change
them?
STAN
Don't worry, Tweek. It's somewhere safe.
Somewhere where... nobody will ever
find it.
[A secret warehouse. Someone packs all the original prints of
Raiders of the Lost Ark into a large box. He nails the box shut
and adds a lock. He puts the box on a dolly and carts it off
down a long corridor. On each side are other boxes and crates
of stuff put there so as not to cause any more harm to anyone.
Among the stuff in the warehouse - RED CROSS 9/11 Relief Funds.
Dramatic music plays the episode out. ]
THE END
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