"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 604
"FUN WITH VEAL"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A ranch, day. A rancher stands next to his cow corral as the
South Park Elementary bus drives up. The bus stops and Ms. Choksondiksteps
off]
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Okay children, step off the bus and
form a group next to the nice redneck
- I mean, rancher.
RANCHER
Hello, boys and girls. My name is Rancher
Bob.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Let's all say hello to Rancher Bob.
KIDS
Hi, Rancher Bob.
RANCHER BOB
I'm pleased to show you all the wonderful
world of beef. Follow me.
KYLE
City kids get to go to museums for
field trips. We get cow farms.
RANCHER BOB
Now, out here you can see our cattle.
This is where the magic begins as the
cows eat and sleep and prepare for certain
death.
CARTMAN
They look so delicious.
RANCHER BOB
Now here we have the slaughterhouse.
This is where we turn the cows into
steaks and burgers.
KIDS
Eewwww!!
KYLE
Aw, dude.
RANCHER BOB
Hey, anybody want a free sample?
CARTMAN
Memememee!
RANCHER BOB
And in here, boys and girls, we have
our... veal ranch. You see, with veal
the whole key is keepin' the cows chained
so they can't walk around or get any
exercise. That way, their muscle tissue
stays soft, and makes for tender veal.
STAN
Wiat a minute. Veal is... little baby
cows??
RANCHER BOB
Yeppir.
KYLE
Then why the hell do they call it "veal"??
RANCHER BOB
Well, if we called it "little baby cow"
people might not eat it.
STAN
Yeah, I wouldn't have.
BUTTERS
Huh, me neither.
CARTMAN
Oh, man, look at that one! It looks
delicious
KYLE
What??
CARTMAN
Mm, succulent and juicy. Can we have
a free sample of these, too?
RANCHER BOB
Well, no, but all these veals are goin'
to the slaughterhouse tomorrow mornin'.
They'll be steaks by tommorow afternoon
and then you can buy them at your grocery
store.
CARTMAN
Alriiight!
STAN
Tomorrow morning? Dude, we gotta help
them.
KYLE
Yeah.
[Cartman's house, night. A light is on in the living room. Catman
is asleep in his bed. Butters, Stan and Kyle climb up to his
window.]
STAN
Pst, Cartman.
CARTMAN
No, Uncle Jesse, no!
STAN
Cartman, wake up!
CARTMAN
What? What the hell are you guys doing??
KYLE
Come on, we've gotta go!
CARTMAN
Where are we going?
STAN
We're gonna go to save the little baby
cows, fatass!
CARTMAN
What? Why?
KYLE
'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered
tomorrow, butthole!
CARTMAN
So?
STAN
So we can't let 'em die, douchebag!
You're our friend; now come help us!
CARTMAN
Well, lessee, in the last three point
two seconds you've called me "fatass,"
"butthole," and "douchebag." I really
don't feel like you guys's friend.
STAN
We're sorry, you are our friend. We
need you to help us because friends
stick together.
BUTTERS
Uh-wait. I thought... yoyou said we
needed him because he has the "Mission
Impossible Breaking and Entering playset."
STAN
Damnit Butters, will you shut up?!
CARTMAN
Oho! So you me and my Mission Impossible
Breaking and Entering playset!
STAN
Yes we do. We're those little baby
cows' only hope. Will you help us?
CARTMAN
Yes. Yes I will. If Kyle will kiss my
black ass.
KYLE
What?!
CARTMAN
Just give it a little kiss and I'll
help.
KYLE
Screw you, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Hokay, but if you want my help you have
to give it just a little kiss. Kiss
it.
STAN
Go on, dude it's the only way.
KYLE
No!
CARTMAN
Kiss it. Come on. Kiss it.
STAN
Just do it really fast, and we can go.
KYLE
Have Butters kiss it.
CARTMAN
No, it has to be Kyle.
KYLE
Awww!
CARTMAN
Oh man, that was soho awesome!
KYLE
Sick! I felt it on my face!
STAN
Okay, very funny Cartman, now come on!
CARTMAN
Hell, I'm not goin' with you!
KYLE
Hyaaaa!
CARTMAN
Heeeey!
[Rancher Bob's ranch, night. The boys are walking on the roof
of the veal ranch. They stop, and Stan opens the playset to put
on the costume and harness]
BUTTERS
Oh I don't know about this, fellas.
It says right here on the Mission Impossible
Breaking and Entering playset: "Not
for actual breaking and entereing. B-breaking
and entering is a cr-riime."
STAN
Yeah, well killing little helpless baby
cows should be a crime, too! How does
this thing work, Cartman?
CARTMAN
Jesus, don't you guys have any toys?
First you put on the black ski mask
and use the torch to cut a hole in
the roof.
[The hold is created, and Stan, now dressed in black and in harness,
is lowered into the ranch. He stops just short of the ground]
STAN
Okay, that's far enough. I'm going
to go delta.
CARTMAN
You have to talk louder. I forgot the
double-A batteries for the SuperTalk
play-action headset.
STAN
I said that's far enough! Don't be
scared, little baby cow. We're here
to set you loose. There you go. You're
free. Run away! Go! They're gonna murder
you.
CARTMAN
Stan, could you hurry it up? I'm freezing
my ass off.
KYLE
You need to freeze some of your ass
off.
CARTMAN
O! At least I have as ass, Jew!
KYLE
What?
STAN
Come on, you stupid baby cows! You
have to get out of here.
BUTTERS
Huuh what's the matter?
STAN
They aren't leaving.
CARTMAN
See? Maybe they want to become sweet
juicy veal steaks.
KYLE
Hey. They've never been allowed to walk
before. They just don't know how.
STAN
Oh yeah, they're too weak to move.
Well, we've gotta get 'em out of here.
We'll just keep them at Butters' house
until they can get their strength back.
BUTTERS
No no no no no! I can't bring cows into
my house. I'll get grounded.
STAN
Okay, fine Butters! I guess you're not
a team player! We'll bring them to my
house.
KYLE
Dude! How are we gonna move twenty three
calves to your house?
STAN
I dno't know.
CARTMAN
I've got it. We could kill Butters,
and then float the calves on a river
of blood.
KYLE
Don't be stupid, Cartman! Butters doesn't
hve that much blood in him!
BUTTERS
Eh yeah I do too!
STAN
We're just gonna have to carry them
one by one. Come on, you guys.
CARTMAN
Eh!
[The boys are shown walking down an icy road, each carrying a
calf... except... one calf is sliding across the ice, then stops.
Cartman appears to follow it, but he approaches it and stands
next to it]
CARTMAN
Check it out, you guys. I'm calf-curling.
[Stan's house, day. The boys and the calves are in Stan's room.
Three of the boys are there with the calves]
CARTMAN
Man, these calves smell like crap! I
don't see how you're gonna hide them
from your mom much longer.
STAN
We won't have to. Butters said he has
something in his house that makes baby
cows strong again. He's bringing it
over.
KYLE
Butters has that at his house?
BUTTERS
Hey fellas!
STAN
Butters! Did you bring it?
BUTTERS
I sure did. We'll have those poor baby
cows in shape in no time!
KYLE
All right!
BUTTERS
"Susanne Sommers' Calf Exerciser."
STAN
What?
BUTTERS
"Makes your calves stronger in just
- two days!"
KYLE
Oh, God-damnit! That's your plan?
BUTTERS
Eh, you thnk it's a gimmick? Susanne
promises right on the box that it works.
[Stan's house, front door, moments later. Rancher Bob and Officer
Barbrady are at the front door. Barbrady knocks. Sharon opens
the door and Rancher Bob tips his hat to her]
OFFICER BARBRADY
Hello, Mr. Marsh.
SHARON
Officer Barbrady. What can I do for
you?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, we've got a little problem. Gent
here caught your boy and his friends
trespassing on his ranch. They stole
some of his property.
SHARON
Stole? A-a-are you sure?
RANCHER BOB
I followed a calf-curling path right
to your house, ma'am.
SHELLEY
Ooo, Stan's in trouble. Let me kick
his ass, Mom.
SHARON
Not now - my son is not a thief. I'm
sure this is just some kind of a misunderstanding.
Stanley, did you see-?
STAN
Aw crap!
SHARON
Stanley, what are you doing with those
calves?
STAN
That asshole is gonna kill them and
feed them to people!
RANDY
Stanley, they belong to him.
STAN
They don't belong to anybody! Please
Mom, we don't want these calves to die.
SHELLEY
Let me hit him, Mom!
SHARON
Stanley, this isn't up for discussion.
The rancher is gonna take his cows back
and you don't have a choice! Stanley!
Stanley, you open this door right now
or you're gonna get it!
STAN
No!
RANDY
Stan, you're behaving like a kid!
STAN
You're the ones who made me eat veal
without telling me what it was! You're
the onew who know we were making little
baby animals suffer!
SHARON
Open this door, now!
STAN
Kiss my ass!
BUTTERS
Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.
KYLE
You're getting in pretty deep, dude.
[Stan's house, living room. The adults have gone back downstairs.]
SHARON
I apologize for this, Mr. rancher person.
RANCHER BOB
Oh, why, why don't you just tell them
that the cows will be safe. And when
they come out I can take them back.
SHARON
I can't lie to my son, okay? If I betrayed
him like that, I'd pay for it the rest
of my life.
RANCHER BOB
Well that's just too bad. Look it, that's
eight hundred dollars' worth of veal
up there and I have to ship it out Friday.
What are you goin' to do, Officer Barbrady?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Me?? How did I get into this mess?
[Stan's room. Stan paces the floor.]
KYLE
So what happens now?
STAN
I'm gonna lock myself in here with these
cows until we have a guarantee of their
safety, in writing.
KYLE
We're with you, dude.
BUTTERS
Yeah.
STAN
Don't be so sure. Because I'm gonna
tell you: this is gonna get ugly. Real
ugly. When all is said and done you
could all be looking at being grounded
for three, perhaps even four weeks.
So if any of you guys want out, just
say the word now.
CARTMAN
I want out.
STAN
Shut up, Cartman.
KYLE
We're with you, Stan.
BUTTERS
Hey y-yeah. W-w-we can't let those little
baby cows down. Why, they've got no
one else to turn to.
STAN
Then it's settled. One for all and all
for one! Except Cartman.
KYLE, BUTTERS
Yeah!
CARTMAN
Yeah! Wait-what?
[Stna's house, living room, night. Kyle's parents have joined
the other adults.]
SHARON
And so that's the situation. Our boys
have locked themselves in Stan's room
until we can promosie them the calves
will live free, in writing.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well, this is ridiculous! I don't know
how you raise your kids, but my son
does not play negotiator with me!
SHARON
We excuse me, Sheila, but it wasn't
that simple!
KYLE'S MOTHER
HA! Give me fifteen seconds with Kyle
and I'll have that door open! Kyle?!
This is your mother! You will open
this door right now!
KYLE
...No I won't.
SHARON
Yes, I see what you mean, Sheila.
That was very impressive.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, if you don't do as you're told,
I'm going to be very angry!
KYLE
Well you made me eat veal and didn't
tell me what it was. So go ahead and
be angry, you baby calf-killing bitch!
SHARON
Very persuasive.
KYLE'S MOTHER
AAAAA! Open this door!! Open this door!!
CHRIS
Whoa-ho-ho, let, let me try. Butters?
Butters, this is your father.
BUTTERS
Oh, sweet Jesus. Uh, what do I do?
STAN
Be strong, Butters. You knew it would
come to this.
CHRIS
Butters? Answer me!
BUTTERS
But they-ah they're angry at me.
KYLE
Don't panic. I'll tell you what to say.
You can tell them...
CHRIS
Butters! Right now!
BUTTERS
Dad, uh, why don't you suck my fat one?
CHRIS
WHAT?!
BUTTERS
Oh, sweet Jesus.
CHRIS
What's gotten into them?
SHARON
Alright, Stanley, this has gone on long
enough! Your little game is over!
STAN
This isn't a game, Mom. We're not coming
out until know the calves will be safe.
SHARON
Well that's fine! You boys can just
stay in there and starve to death. Us
parents are going to go to Pizza Shack
and have pepperoni pizza and ice cream.
CARTMAN
Oh, God-damnit you guys.
KYLE
Cartman, stay away from that door!
SHARON
You'll have to come out sooner or later,
boys. The longer you wait, the more
trouble you'll be in.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Mmmrragh!!
STAN
Round one is over. We made it.
CARTMAN
We didn't make it! Your mother's right,
douchebag! What are we gonna do? Stand
here until we starve?!
STAN
Our parents would never let us starve.
They're bluffing. This is a battle of
wills. If we hold out long enough, they'll
give in.
KYLE
But we will have to sleep, dude.
STAN
Three of us can sleep while one keeps
watch. We'll shift every couple of hours.
BUTTERS
Hehey! This is gonna be just like Vietnam,
huh fellas! Whoopie!
STAN
We'll stay in this room with these baby
cows for as long as it takes!
[Stan's house, living room, after dinner. The women wait at the
sofa while the men try to reason with the boys. Liane is now
present as Sheila crosses her arms and pats her left shoulder
with her right hand. Moments later, the men come down the stairs]
RANDY
Well we tried everything. We can't get
through the door without tearing apart
the house.
KYLE'S FATHER
Dear God, it's been over thirteen hours!
LIANE
Oh, but my poor little poopsie must
be getting so hungry. Maybe we should
get them a little food.
SHARON
Ms. Cartman, this is a battle of wills.
We need our boys to know that we're
not gonna cave in, at all.
LIANE
Oh, all right.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Let's all just go to bed and let them
play their little game for as long as
they can.
[Stan's room, night. From outside, his room is the only one lit.
Inside, Cartman, Kyle and Butters are in his bed while Stan sits
at his desk]
BUTTERS
Good night, fellas!
KYLE
Good night.
BUTTERS
Good night, Patches. Good night, Halloway.
Good night, Nepture. Good night, Davis.
Good night, Bud. Good night, Red. Good
night, Paulette. Good night, Chastity.
CARTMAN
Butters, I'm going to kill you over
and over again.
[Stan's room, fade to day. Hour 29. The boys are all drowsy and
a little disheveled. Stan sits on his bed stroking a calf, Butters
sits on the floor, Cartman rests against a calf, Kyle holds his
stomach]
CARTMAN
Can't go on. Need... food...
KYLE
We didn't realize hunger made you feel
so bad.
CARTMAN
There's only one alternative, you guys.
We're gonna have to eat a calf.
STAN
No, Cartman, we're not eating a calf!
CARTMAN
All right. Then we're gonna have to
eat Butters.
KYLE
He might be right, dude.
BUTTERS
Aw, heck.
STAN
Wait, what is that? Dude!
CARTMAN
Food!
[Stan's house, outside. Liane lowers her pole as Sharan and Sheila
go outside to see what's going on.]
SHARON
Ms. Cartman, what are you doing?
LIANE
Oh, I just can't stand to see my baby
suffer
SHARON
Oh dear God, you've ruined everything.
[Stan's room, moments later. The boys take shares of food out
of the basket.. Stan walks away with two apples.]
KYLE
All right!
STAN
See? Now we can hold out for weeks!
CARTMAN
Look you guys! Beef jerky!
KYLE
Yeah! And fried chicken!
STAN
Wha?
KYLE, CARTMAN
Mmmmm.
STAN
Dude, what are you guys doing?
KYLE
We're eating, dude.
STAN
You're eating meat! What the hell do
you guys think we're doing all this
for?!
KYLE
Hey! I'm doing it to save little baby
cows. I'm not gonna stop eating meat
altogether.
BUTTERS
Me neither.
CARTMAN
Yeah, if you don't eat meat at all,
you become a pussy.
STAN
That's fine! You guys can live off
of flesh, but I'm never eating meat
again!
CARTMAN
Go ahead, that's more for us. You want
some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the
buddy? Who's hungry? Who's the hungry
man?
KYLE
Dude, that's messed up.
[Stan's house, night, Hour 34. Police and fire departments and
an ambulance are at the house, with a kleig light shining into
Stan's room from the fire truck. Inside, Stan sits on the floor
still eating his apples, Cartman stands next to the chair, Butters
sits on the bed. The sound of breaking news is heard]
KYLE
You guys, check this out!
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing in front of the house
where three insane boy terrorists have
barricaded themselves inside a room
with twenty-three live infant cattle.
BUTTERS
Hey, look. Some other kids are doin'
the same thing we are. Eugh
FIELD REPORTER
Several attempts to break into the room
have proven unsuccessful, Tom, and the
crisis is intensifying. Here's what
some people have to say.
CRAIG'S FATHER, TOM
We were sleeping when suddenly we heard
all the commotion. I mean, to think
this could happen right here in our
own community.
RANDY
We gave those kids everything, and they
turned into little... John Walkers!
FIELD REPORTER
The police chief of South Park says
that there will be no negotiations with
terrorists.
BUTTERS
Oh no. Eh this is big-time trouble now,
fellas.
STAN
No, this is exactly what we wanted.
KYLE
It is?
STAN
Yeah, don't you see? This validates
everything that we're doing. If we're
making the news, then this is obviously
important to people.
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, it looks like I have an update:
Yes, it looks like the boy terrorist
story is not interesting news to anyone.
Uh, nothing else was going on, Tom,
so this was the only story we had to
make seem important, but people are
just simply tuning out. So, HBC will
now be switching programming once again
to "Puppoies from Around the World."
[the news break switches to a series of dog scenes. First, dalmatians
run across a field to the tune of bagpipes, then a small dog
looks around to the tune of Chinese music, then a puppy in a
basket as a mariachi band is heard, then another dog is shown,
then another, then a puppy is shown following a tennis ball,
then another dog plays with the camera as more mariachi music
is heard]
STAN
...I don't believe it.
BUTTERS
Ehuh, the Chinese puppy's... my favorite
so far.
[Stan's house, fade to day. Hour 53. Stan and Butters are sleeping,
and Butters, sleeping face down, has his left arm across Stan's
chest. Stan stirs and opens his eyes.]
STAN
Butters? Buh-Butters! You have your
arm around me!
BUTTERS
Oh, sorry. I thought you were Mr. Pickles.
VOICES
We must help the helpless, we must save
the unsaved
KYLE
Huh, what the hell is that?
HIPPIES
If we... fight together we can make
sure the road is paved.
For a... brighter tomorrow...
CARTMAN
Hippies!
STAN
What are they doing here?
HIPPIE
We're with you boys! Your message is
real and your voice is just.
HIPPIES
Hooray! Hooray!
KYLE
Dude! Those gaywads are on our side?
BUTTERS
Ew, they're all dirty.
CARTMAN
What did I tell you, Stan! We save some
baby cows from being eaten, and now
we're no-good dirty God-damned hippies!
[Stan's house, night, Hour 75. Police and fire departments and
an ambulance have returned. HBC News is there again with its
field reporter]
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, the calf terrorist standoff continues
as now members of the FBI arrive to
put an end to the conflict.
SHARON
Oh Jesus Christ.
FBI AGENT
Who's in charge here?
OFFICER BARBRADY
I am. But I don't want to be.
FBI AGENT
Where's the negotiator?
FBI NEGOTIATOR
Right here! Glen Dumont, Negotiator
Squad
FBI AGENT
All right, see what you can do.
[Stan's room. Stan is petting a calf. Kyle looks on. Stan coughs
and sniffs]
KYLE
Dude, are you okay?
STAN
Aw, I just feel so rundown. I don't
know what's wrong with me. I've got
these sores.
BUTTERS
What is that?
KYLE
Dude, maybe we should end this.
STAN
No!
[Stan's house, outside. The negotiator walks up to the negotiation
van, which has all the equipment he needs to handle a negotiation]
GLEN DUMONT
Give me a hard line to the phone in
that house!
OFFICER BARBARDY
The terrorists already said there's
no way they're coming out.
GLEN DUMONT
Don't worry, I'm a negotiator. It's
my job to talk to freaks like this and
bring about a peaceful resolution using
clever psychology.
[Stan's room. The phone rings and Stan goes to answer it]
STAN
Hello?
GLEN DUMONT
Hello, my name is Mike. I'm a negotiator.
Is it okay if I talk to you?
STAN
Ah, hold on. It's some negotiator named
Mike. What do I do?
KYLE
Don't give him anything!
STAN
Waht do I say??
CARTMAN
Dah, give me that! Talk to me Mike.
GLEN DUMONT
I'm here to make sure we can all end
this peacefully. You want that, right?
CARTMAN
Sure, sure.
GLEN DUMONT
How about we make a trade, just show
that we can trust each other.
CARTMAN
What do you have in mind?
GLEN DUMONT
Well, how about you send out one of
the calves?
CARTMAN
Oh, Mike, you're breakin' my balls here,
Mike.
GLEN DUMONT
Just one, that's all we want.
CARTMAN
All right, how 'bout this? You guys
have all the leverage and we have nothing.
So how about we give you one calf...
-
STAN
Cartman, no!
KYLE
Dude!
CARTMAN
We'll give you one calf, if you give
us... some guns and ammunition of our
own.
GLEN DUMONT
What? I, I can't do that.
CARTMAN
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin'
here, but I guess you're not talkin'
to me. Goodbye.
GLEN DUMONT
No no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Yuh, you're right. What reason do you
have to trust me? I'm just a guy from
Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you
know? Just a blue-collar guy like your
dad.
CARTMAN
Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna
work.
GLEN DUMONT
Oh. All right, fine, son of a gun,
let me see what I can do.
[Stan's house, night, Hour 154. The authorities are still there,
waiting out the standoff]
GLEN DUMONT
Okay. Up a little... left a little...
Almost there.
RANDY
What is that?
GLEN DUMONT
We're giving the boys some guns in return
for our calves
RANDY
What?
SHARON
You're giving my baby guns?
GLEN DUMONT
Hey, this is a negotiation process,
okay? Did you people go to negotiator
school? No, you didn't! Get them on
the line for me!
CARTMAN
Hello.
GLEN DUMONT
Alright, you see that? I keep my end
of the bargain.
CARTMAN
All right, we'll keep ours. We'll send
out one calf.
GLEN DUMONT
Well, ha- how about you send out two
calves?
CARTMAN
Oh, Jesus! You know, there's just no
talking to you, is there, Mike?!
STAN
O-ogh...
CARTMAN
We had a deal! Do you think I'm stupid?!
Don't treat me like I'm stupid here!
GLEN DUMONT
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Damnit, I'm losing
them. Okay, I'm sorry. Just send out
one calf.
CARTMAN
Oh nonono, now you're gonna have to
get us something else!
GLEN DUMONT
What do you have in mind?
[Stan's house, day. Hour 169. This makes one week and an hour
since the standoff began]
GLEN DUMONT
A little to the left... Okay, that's
good. A little to the right.
KYLE'S MOTHER
You're giving them a missile??
GLEN DUMONT
Stand down, ma'am! Stand down! This
is a delicate process! I've almost earned
their trust!
[Stan's room]
KYLE
Stan's getting worse, you guys.
CARTMAN
Mike, speak.
GLEN DUMONT
How are we doin'?
CARTMAN
We got a real sick kid here, Mike. Did
you get the other things for us?
GLEN DUMONT
Weh ah I did manage to get the FDA to
officially change the word "veal" to
"tortured baby cow."
CARTMAN
Good, good.
GLEN DUMONT
But I couldn't get you North and South
Dakota.
CARTMAN
Oh, Mike, breakin' my balls, Mike.
GLEN DUMONT
Now, now please can, can we get you
to come out?
[Outside Stan's house, night]
GLEN DUMONT
All right, everythng has worked out.
The boys have promised to come out and
bring the cows out with them.
ADULTS
Yes! All right! Woohoo!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Whoops, sorry I doubted your abilities,
Mr. Negotiator.
FBI AGENT
They're coming out now?
GLEN DUMONT
Yes. All we need to do in return is
get a cattle-transporting semi-truck
that will take the boys and the cattle
to Denver International Airport, where
we have a fully-gassed airplane waiting
to take them all to Mexico.
SHARON
What??
GLEN DUMONT
And they want the guy that plays Mr.
Worf on "Star Trek" to drive the truck.
In full makeup.
RANDY
Jesus Christ!
FBI AGENT
All right, that does it! You are in
fact the worst negotiator I've ever
seen in action!
GLEN DUMONT
All right, all right, I'll give you
that. But in return, I want three staples.
FBI AGENT
Get out of here! We'll get them the
semi, and we'll get them the Worf guy.
If they see that, thay'll come out and
then, we could take them.
OFFICER BARBRADY
But isn't that dishonest?
FBI AGENT
Maybe so, but if we don't do something
soon, there could be fifty, even sixty
people who'll have to go without veal
for dinner. Are you prepared to let
that happen?
[Outside Stan's house, night. Hour 201, just after sunset. The
semi-truck Cartman ordered arrives.]
FBI AGENT
All right. Where is Mr. Dorn?
MICHAEL DORN
I was woken up at three in the mornng,
told I had to put on makeup, and come
to this town. What the hell is gong
on?!
FBI AGENT
I'm sorry, Mr. Dorn. It's FBI business.
We've got terrorists making demands
and we need your help.
MICHAEL DORN
This is highly unusual!
FBI AGENT
All right boys, we have your truck.
And we have an airplane on the tarmac
at Denver International.
CARTMAN
And Worf?
MICHAEL DORN
My name is Michael Dorn. I play a character
called Worf.
KYLE
Stan! It worked!
STAN
It... did?
KYLE
They got us a truck, and an airplane,
and Mr. Worf! The calves are gonna be
okay!
STAN
Pick me up. I... I want to see.
[Outside Stan's house, night. The authorities prepare for the
kids' surrender. The front door opens and Cartman looks out.
The FBI agents take aim.]
CARTMAN
Step back! Tell those men to step back!
FBI AGENT
Do it!
FBI AGENTS
Mmrrrr.
HIPPIES
All right! Woohoo! Yeah!
CARTMAN
Aw, shut up, you freakin' hippies!
Alright, Mr. Worf, start the engine
and put her in gear. Oh, amd you must
refer to me as "Captain."
MICHAEL DORN
Where am I supposed to drive to?
CARTMAN
No. See, must say, "Captain, where am
I supposed to drive to?"
MICHAEL DORN
Captain, where am I supposed to drive
to?
CARTMAN
You're going to back the truck up to
the door of the house so we can safely
load in the calves.
MICHAEL DORN
This whole thing is ridiculous!
CARTMAN
"Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous!"
MICHAEL DORN
Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous.
CARTMAN
Okay, all set!
[An overhead view of the scene shows a News 4 helicopter covering
the story — from the camera of another News 4 helicopter]
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, it looks as though the terrorists
are now loading the baby cows into the
back of a semi. This is still very uninteresting
news, Tom.
[Ground view, inside the trailer]
BUTTERS
Okay Cartman!
[Ground view, on the street]
CARTMAN
Step on it, Mr. Worf!
BOYS
All right!
[inside the trailer]
BUTTERS
We're going!
KYLE
Mexico here we come!
[in the cab. Police cars follow the semi]
CARTMAN
Wait a minute. They're following us!
Full speed, Mr. Worf!
MICHAEL DORN
We cannot keep going fast on these icy
roads!
CARTMAN
"Captain, we cannot keep going fast
on these icy roads?"
MICHAEL DORN
Captain, we cannot keep going fast on
these icy roads.
CARTMAN
Alright, Mr. Worf. Then reduce speed
to forty-five and maintain distance
from those police cruisers.
[inside the trailer. Stan casts his eyes down at the floor]
KYLE
Stan, we're almost there. You've got
to hold on.
[On the street. The semi passes by Rancher Bob's ranch]
FBI AGENT
Alright, they're in front of the cattle
ranch. Hit it!
CARTMAN
Oh, it's a double-cross!!
FBI AGENT
Alright, boys! The game is over! Get
out of the truck with your hands up!
[in the trailer]
KYLE
Oh no! No!!
[in the cab]
CARTMAN
What are you waiting for? Go kill them,
Worf!
MICHAEL DORN
I'm NOT killing anybody!
CARTMAN
Egh! Some God-damned Klingon you are!
[Rancher Bob's Cattle Ranch, moments later. The FBI agents take
the calves into the veal ranch as the boys stand next to the
semi. Michael Dorn is there as well.]
STAN
We're sorry, cows. We tried. We tried!
FBI AGENT
Alright boys, just stay right there
until your parents arrive.
MICHAEL DORN
Can I go now?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Here you go, Mr. Rancher. I got your
cattle back for you
RANCHER BOB
Oh. Well, it doesn't matter now.
OFFICER BARBRADY
What you do mean?
RANCHER BOB
You see, in the six days since the word
"veal" was officially changed to "little
tortured baby cow" the market has gone
dry. Seems that people see "little tortured
baby cow" on their menus, they don't
feel like orderin'.
BUTTERS
Really?
RANCHER BOB
Yep, damn things ain't worth spit now.
I'll let 'em live outside with the other
cows and live a normal life.
KYLE
Do you hear that, Stan? It worked! We've
shut down the veal industry! Stan?
Stan??
[Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. The boys and their families
are present at Stan's hospital bed. Stan is half-awake now, hooked
up to IVs and all.]
DR. DOCTOR
He's very luck you got him here when
you did. He was in a very advanced state
of vaginitis.
RANDY
Vaginitis?
DR. DOCTOR
It occurs when a person stops eating
meat. Those sores on his skin were actually
small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped
it in time, Stan would have eventually
just become one great big giant pussy.
KYLE
Whoa, dude.
DR. DOCTOR
We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping
into Stan's veins and the... sores are
fading.
CARTMAN
Thank God we stopped it in time.
STAN
Well, I guess we learned somethng today:
it's wrong to eat veal because the animals
are so horribly mistreated, but if you
don't eat meat at all you break out
in vaginas.
BUTTERS
Hear hear.
KYLE'S MOTHER
All right boys, it's time to go home.
You've got some serious grounding time
to start.
CHRIS
I'll say!
BUTTERS
Aw, we're still grounded?
KYLE
But, but we, we learned things, and
took up a cause.
KYLE'S FATHER
Yes Kyle, but you still defied your
parents. And you need to learn that
terrorism is never the answer.
CHRIS
That's right, let's get these terrorists
to their rooms. But first, maybe we
can grab some burgers.
THE BOYS
All right!
THE END
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