"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 807
"GOOBACKS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. There
are two lanes on either side of the highway, with a grass median
in between. A Snacky Cakes truck rolls by. Tumbleweeds begin
to roll. A few seconds later, the highway sign begins to shake
violently and then crackle with lightning. The camera pans to
the right and more lightning is seen until a sphere of energy
with a doorway appears. More tumbleweeds roll by. A flash of
light follows, and an alien steps forth from the sphere. He looks
around and mumbles something. He walks towards the highway, looking
around all the while. A car comes up quick on him and he freezes
in the headlights for a while, then jumps out of the way as a
Busy Beavers Moving Company truck barrels past him. A car comes
up on him on the other side of the highway. He gets up quickly
and steps out of the way. Traffic picks up and the alien dodges
all the vehicles until a car almost runs him over. The car brakes
and tips him over.]
[South Park, next day. The boys approach a house, which has more
snow on it than usual in South Park, especially along the windows.
Indeed, looks like the town has just had a snow storm overnight.
Each of the boys carries a shovel. Stan rings the bell. A woman
answers.]
WOMAN
Yes?
CARTMAN
Hel-lo ma'am. We're going around town
and offering snow-shoveling service.
Would you like your driveway and sidewalk
shoveled for eight thousand dollars?
WOMAN
Oh well, I certainly could use some
little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand
dollars seems a little steep. How about
ten dollars?
CARTMAN
Ooo, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of
that tight grip you have on my balls!
Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls,
ma'am!
WOMAN
How about fifteen dollars?
CARTMAN
It's a deal! All right, guys, let's
get to work! Yeah, it's so totally
awesome. Craig crapped his pants when
he saw it. Yeah, sweet. So what's goin'
on over there? Yeah, that's pretty cool.
No way! He did not! Aw dude, that is
so weak. What?
KYLE
You've been on your fucking phone since
we started!
CARTMAN
Dude, I'm takin' a break.
KYLE
A break from what?! You haven't done
anything!
CARTMAN
Kyle, how many times do we have to go
through this? I'm the negotiator. I
negotiate our price with the customers.
KYLE
All you ever do is talk about your balls!
CARTMAN
It works, doesn't it? Did I not just
get us an extra five bucks?
KYLE
If you want your share of the money,
then you're gonna shovel snow like the
rest of us!
CARTMAN
Hey! Don't boss me around, you fuckin'
Jew! I will kick your ass!
[Moments later the doorbell rings again. This time the camera
is in the house looking at the door from an angle. The woman
approaches and opens the door. The boys are shown, with Cartman
keeping his now-bloody nose from oozing any more blood]
STAN
Ma'am, do you have a rag and some bandages?
WOMAN
Oh goodness, what happened?
CARTMAN
Shoveling accident.
WOMAN
Oooh no, come on inside. Wait right
here, I'll be right back.
CARTMAN
You're so lucky I have a... sore shoulder,
Kyle, or I'd totally let you have it.
STAN
Cartman, just keep your mouth shut.
NEWS ANNOUNCER
This is breaking news. Here's Anchorman
Aaron Brown.
AARON BROWN
Incredible, absolutely amazing news
today. A man from the future has come
back in time and is in a government
hospital after being hit by a car.
STAN
Whoa.
AARON BROWN
Christina Naylon has more.
CHRISTINA NAYLON
The news is incredible, Aaron. Experts
and scientists have been with the man
from the future for several hours now,
and have been able to learn that he
is from the year 3045. His condition
is stable, and speculation continues
as to why he has come. Has he come to
deliver a cure for cancer? Or to fix
something wrong with the past?
AARON BROWN
Have to interrupt you there, Christina.
Apparently, Brad Morgan is inside the
base with breaking news. Brad?
BRAD MORGAN
Aaron, the scientists have been able
to communicate further and have uncovered
that the man from one thousand years
in the future has come to our time...
looking for work. Now, uh he has said
that the future is so overwhelmingly
overpopulated that there are simply
no jobs in his time, and so he built
a time portal and has come back to 21st
century America, uh to find a job here.
AARON BROWN
Heheh, it's absolutely astounding. He
came back here for work?
BRAD MORGAN
Huh... that's right, Aaron. Hi-his plan
is to get a job here, in our time, so
that he can put the money he earns into
a savings account, uh, which will earn
interest, and by the year 3045 be worth
billions of dollars, uh which of course
in the future will be worth only hundres
of dollars, but uh enough, he says,
to feed his family.
AARON BROWN
And now I understand we're going to
Harrison Moore, uh, for an explanation
on how the time portal works. Harrison?
HARRISON MOORE
Aaron, I'm standing at the time border
which scientists say follow Terminator
rules. That is, it's one way only and
you can't go back. This is in contrast,
say, to Back To The Future rules, where
back and forth is possible, and of course,
Timerider rules, which are just plain
silly. Anyway, it appears that the man
from the future is here to stay.
[Later, Stan returns home. He enters with his shovel]
STAN
Mom, Dad! Did you see? They found a
man from the future!
RANDY
We know, Stanley. We've been watching.
AARON BROWN
If you're just joining us, a man from
over two thousand years into the future
has come through a one-way time portal
looking for work. Uh, the President
is expected to give an announcement
at any time.
HARRISON MOORE
Breaking news here at the time portal,
Aaron. It appears that another person
from the future has just arrived! It
looks as if the job at Wendy's did work
for the original immigrant; this second
arrivee claims that man's family is
now much better off, and wishes the
same for his family.
[Stan's house, night. Sharon puts Stan to bed and tucks him in.]
SHARON
There you go. All set, sweetie?
STAN
Mom, can we go try to see the people
from the future? I have a bunch of questions
I wanna ask 'em.
SHARON
I'm sure a lot of people do, hon. It's
pretty exciting, isn't it? Now, you
just get some sleep. You've had a busy
day. Goodnight, sweetie.
STAN
Night, Mom. Wow, two people from the
future. How cool.
[Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. The
highway sign begins to shake violently and then crackle with
lightning. The camera pans to the right and more lightning is
seen until it reaches the portal. A flash of light follows, and
an alien steps forth from the sphere. Another flash brings forth
another alien. Another flash brings forth a third alien. Another
flash brings forth his wife, another flash brings forth their
daughter, and another flash brings forth their son. Another flash
brings forth another alien. They head for the highway, which
is busy now. They all make their way across, avoiding being struck
as they cross the lanes]
[South Park, day. The boys once agani make their rounds as shovelers
and stop at a house. Stan rings the doorbell, the door opens,
and a different woman greets them]
WOMAN 2
Yes?
STAN
Hello, Mrs. Landis. Would you like snow-shoveling
service again today?
MRS. LANDIS
Ooo, oh dear, I'm sorry boys, but I've
already hired someone else to do it.
CARTMAN
What?? Who??
MRS. LANDIS
One of those immigrants from the future.
He said he would do it for twenty-five
cents.
KYLE
Twenty-five cents? Well that's not even
worth it.
STAN
All right guys, come on. Let's go to
the next house.
KYLE
Dude.
STAN
Son of a bitch!
[CNN News Brief. An image of a family from the future is shown,
with the caption above reading "Time Immigrants"]
AARON BROWN
Still more immigrants from the future
arrived at the time border today, some
even bringing their entire families.
the purplish goo that they have on their
bodies when they arrive is an ectoplasmic
side effect of the time-travel process.
This is all giving scientists a great
opportunity to learn even more about
American life in the future. Chris Holt
joins us now. Chris?
CHRIS HOLT
Yes, there are incredible things we're
learning about Americans in the future,
Aaron. Eh it appears that in the future,
Americans have evolved into a hairless
uniform mix of all races. They are all
one color, which is a yellowy light-brownish
whitish color. Uh it seems race is no
longer an issue in the future, because
all ethnicities have mixed into one.
Perhaps most interesting is how this
has affected their language. The people
in the future speak a complete mix of
English, Chinese, Turkish and, indeed,
all world languages, which sounds something
like this: Back to you, Aaron.
AARON BROWN
Apparently the people from the future
are having a pretty easy time finding
work. Since they offer to work for such
low wages, they're being hired all over
America.
[A meeting has assembled somewhere. Two flags hang from the back
of the meeting room, one of them American, the other of Colorado.
Men from all walks of life argue amongst themselves]
MAN 1
This is bullcrap! I ain't standin'
for this!
MAN 2
All right, folks, my name is Darryl
Weathers and I'm with the Construction
Workers' Union. I work with a lot of
fine men who have families to feed.
Now I don't know about you all, but
we worked long and hard to get our pay
up to a level where we could make a
decent living. And now these people
from the future are showin' up and offerin'
to do the same work for next to nothin'!
They took our jobs!!
MAN 3
We're in the moving business! Fourteen
years we've been workin' our butts off!
Now these future folk come in and we
can't get work nowhere! They took our
jobs!
MAN 4
They took your jobs!
MAN 5
Well what about us in the fast-food
business?! The restaurants are firing
us 'cause the future people work for
a lot less! They took our jobs!!
OTHER MEN
They took your jobs!
STAN
It's affecting kids too! Me and my
friends started our own snow-shoveling
business. We were trying to be responsible
and make money, you know? But then the
people came along and, and now we're
out of work too! Oh, they took our
jobs!!
OTHER MEN
They took yer jobs!!
[Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. The
highway sign is shown, but the camera pulls back to show a new
CAUTION sign showing an entire family crossing. The signs begin
to sway back and forth violently and crackle with lightning.
The portal is shown, but now it expands so the people from the
future swarm into the present en masse.]
[South Park, night. At Stan's house, Rand and Sharion are at
the sofa reading. Sharon reads a book, Randy reads the paper.
Stan enters from the front. Sharon spots him]
SHARON
Stanley, it's almost eight o'clock.
Where have you been?
STAN
I was at a rally to protest all the
immigrants from the future coming in
and tryin' tuh-
SHARON
Oh yes, the laundry machine is down
in the basement and our son is home.
Could you please set the table for dinner?
STAN
Who is that?
RANDY
That's our new housekeeper, Mrs. Gruhd.
She's gonna help around the house on
Tuesdays and Thursdays. And she'll
do it for ten cents an hour.
STAN
Oh, but that's the problem! Those goobacks
are taking our jobs!
SHARON
What??
RANDY
Oh my God! Stan Marsh, how dare you
use that time-bashing slur?!
SHARON
Who taught you to talk like that?!
STAN
Well dude, they are taking people's
jobs away.
RANDY
They're only taking the small menial
jobs that nobody else really wants to
do.
STAN
I wanted my job!
RANDY
Hey, Stanley, you need to understand
something: Those people from the future
have had a hard life! Where they come
from is dirty and overpopulated and
poor! You can't even imagine the kind
of depression they come from! So for
us, who have everything sooo good, to
judge them, is wrong! Do you understand?!
Next time you think about calling them
goobacks, you might just wanna stop
for a second and think about how crappy
the future really is!
SHARON
That's right! We're not raising our
son to be an ignorant timecist.
STAN
Timecist?
SHARON
You know, a racist, but against people
from the-
STAN
People from the future. Right, got it.
RANDY
All right, good. Now, let's all go eat
some of Mrs. Gruhd's great future cooking.
[The O'Reilly Factor]
ANNOUNCER
And now, here is Bill O'- Reilly.
BILL O'REILLY
Welcome welcome to the No-Spin Zone,
all right? And what we're talkin' about
today are the immigrants from the future.
All right? Now, most people are more
than happy to give a helping hand to
these people who obviously need it.
All right? But others are starting to
say that the time portal should be closed
off. All right? Now, I've got two guests
with me tonight who have opposing views
on the matter. On my right is pissed-off
white-trash redneck conservative.
DARRYL WEATHERS
Thanks for having me, Bill.
BILL O'REILLY
And on my left is aging hippie liberal
douche.
DOUCHE
Hello.
BILL O'REILLY
Now, pissed-off redneck, you say we
shouldn't allow anyone else through
the time portal, aright?
DARRYL WEATHERS
You're Goddamned right! These people
from the future are takin' all the work
away from us decent present-day Americans!
They took our jobs!
SKYNARD MAN
They took our jobs!
DARRYL WEATHERS
Those jobs belong to people from the
present!
BILL O'REILLY
Aright. What say you, aging hippie liberal
douche
DOUCHE
Heh it's typical for conservatives rednecks
like these to view the immigrants as
the problem, heh, but really, the problem
is America. It is our greedy multinational
corporations that keep everyone else
in poverty. Your ancestors came to America
as immigrants. What right do you have
to turn these people away?
BILL O'REILLY
Aright, redneck, your rebuttal?
DARRYL WEATHERS
They took our jobs!
SKYNARD MAN
They took our jobs!
STOUT MAN
Too-kourderb!
[South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings and the students
are in their seats. So are a lot of new immigrant students]
MR. GARRISON
All right, children, the school board
has mandated that I must now teach class
in both present-day English and Futurespeak.
KYLE
What?!
MR. GARRISON
So, with that in mind, let's continue
our lessons on verbs. Remember that
there are transitive verbs such as
"The boy threw the red ball," which
in Futurespeak of course, is Everyone
say it with me? Aaand there are intransitive
verbs, such as "The 11:15 bus from
Denver arrived twelve hours late." Or
in Futurespeak, "Vvut."
THE KIDS
"Vvut."
KYLE
Dude, hold on! This is bullcrap! If
they wanna live in our time, then they
should learn our language!
CRAIG
Yeah!
STAN
That's right!
DOUCHE
Hey now, these immigrants have a right
to retain their culture. Who are we
to say our language is best? They deserve
to have an education just as much as
you do.
MR. GARRISON
Thank you, aging hippie liberal douche.
DOUCHE
You betcha.
TIMMY
Timmih.
MR. GARRISON
Okay, now let's get back to it, kids.
What kind of verb is this? "The sad
girl puts balls in her mouth." Or, in
Futurespeak of course, "Gluch gligh
balls glych gligh."
[Back at the meeting room, the unemployed men gather for another
rally against the immigrants from the future.]
MAN A
This is bullcrap!
DARRYL WEATHERS
Listen up, everybody! We've just received
a reply from our congressman. "Dear
intolerant rednecks, we sympathize with
you all losing your jobs. However, we
feel your solution of shooting everyone
who crosses the time border is inhumane."
MAN B
What? That's ridiculous!
MAN C
They can't do that!
MAN D
That was a good idea!
DARRYL WEATHERS
So it appears the government ain't gonna
help us! Which means we gotta take matters
into our own hands! The only way to
stop people from the future is to stop
the future from happening!
MAN 3
Hey that's right! If there is no future,
then there'll be no people from the
future to come back and take our jobs!
MAN 6
Take rjurbs
DARRYL WEATHERS
All right! So, any ideas how we can
stop the future from happening?
CHET
How about we cause more global warming,
so that in the future, the polar ice
caps melt, and and it ushers in a new
ice age?
DARRYL WEATHERS
How the hell is global warming gonna
cause an ice age?!
CHET
Well you know, the... global warming
could bring on like a climate shift
or somethin'?
DARRYL WEATHERS
Chet, you are a fuckin' retard, you
know that?! Even if global warming were
real, which all proven scientific data
shows it isn't, it would take millions
of years for a climate shift to happen!
You think an ice age can just happen
all of a sudden-like?
CHET
Well I was just tryin' to be helpful.
DARRYL WEATHERS
Well help yourself to a fuckin' science
book, 'cause you're talkin' like a fuckin'
retard! Now, come on people, we've got
to think! Damnit, they took our jaorbs!
MEN
They took our jobs!
[South Park, day. The boys walk down the commercial district
noticing immigrants from time to time. Various immigrants greet
them and try to sell them fruits, but the boys walk on. A hovering
futuristic car comes up next to them, sets down, and bounces
the front end up and down like a lowrider. The driver then activates
the hydraulics and the car begins to dance. The boys just look
in wonder as the car settles down and then moves off. Its exhaust
hits the boys' faces and they cough. Next, the boys head for
a Wendell's Burgers restaurant. They enter and head for the counter]
KYLE
Aw, dude.
CASHIER
Gaur da'ka?
STAN
Can you speak in present-day English
please?
CASHIER
Uh oh... Can I help... you?
STAN
Uh yeah, I want a double cheeseburger
and fries.
CASHIER
Chicken sandwich?
STAN
No, a double cheeseburger and fries!
CASHIER
A cheeg- fry?
STAN
What?!
CASHIER
A cheeg- fry?
CARTMAN
We can't understand you, asshole!
MANAGER
Can I help you?
STAN
I'm trying to order a double cheeseburger!
MANAGER
Chicken sandwich?
STAN
No, it's not a chicken sandwich! I
want a Goddamned cheeseburger and some
Goddamned fries you fucking goobacks!
RANDY
Stan Marsh!
STAN
Aw-awwww.
[Back at the rally...]
DARRYL WEATHERS
Come on, people, think! How are we gonna
stop these immigrants from takin' our
jobs!
MAN 3
Hey, I got an idea. Uh maybe we should
all take off all our clothes, scramble
into a big pile and start gettin' gay
with each other.
CHET
Did you say "get gay"?
DARRYL WEATHERS
Hey yeah. Well that's not a bad idea!
MAN 7
What? Gettin' gay?
DARRYL WEATHERS
Think about it: These people are from
the future, right? Well, if we can git
everyone to turn queer, then there won't
be no children to have no children,
and the people from the future won't
exist to take our jobs!
JIMBO
I ain't turnin' queer.
DARRYL WEATHERS
You have to, Jimbo, or else we won't
be able to stop them! They too 'r jaobs!
MAN 2
Yeah, they took our jobs!
MAN 8
Took our jobs!
DARRYL WEATHERS
Let's go over to that part of town
that all the future people moved into
and start humpin' each other until they
disappear! Come on! Come on! You want
your jobs back or not?!
[Welcome to Little Future. This part of South Park is congested
and built upwards. Parts of it are rundown. The drivers there
all drive hovercars. Some kids dance around on a stoop as adults
walk by]
DARRYL WEATHERS
All right, you future bastards! Think
you can take our jubs?! Well, we'll
show you! Come'ere, Earl!. How do you
like that, gooback?! Come on, you guys!
Everyone who believes in America, join
in with us! We're gonna make these future
bastards nonexistent!
[South Park Center for Seismic Activity. Randy arrives for work
with Stan in tow]
STAN
Aw, come on, Dad! How come I have to
go to work with you?
RANDY
Because you're being grounded, Stanley!
Now I don't wanna hear another word
out of your intolerant mouth! You just
sit right there, Stanley, and you thnk
about what you've done!
BOSS
You'll find all the copiers and printers
in the next room over and then uh-
RANDY
Hey, Mr. Nelson.
MR. NELSON
Oh... R-Randy... Uh I'm surprised to
see you here.
RANDY
Why? This is my office.
MR. NELSON
Ooohh boy, didn't you get my phone message?
Ooo, this is awkward. Well, the thing
is, Randy, you've been- replaced.
RANDY
What?
MR. NELSON
Well we found an immigrant from the
future who knows geology and he offered
to work for next to nothing. Uh, this
is Mr. Glughgogawk.
MR. GLUGHGOGAWK
Gheglo.
RANDY
You can't be serious.
MR. NELSON
I'm... sssorry, Randy. It's just, with
all the budget cuts and all, we'll give
you some tmie to clean out your desk.
Follow me, Mr. Glughgogawk. I'll show
you to the copy room.
RANDY
Oh my God. They took my jarb!!
STAN
They took yer jarb!!
[CNN Breaking News]
ANNOUNCER
This is CNN.
AARON BROWN
Breaking news at the time border. We
go now live to Harrison Moore.
HARRISON MOORE
Aaron, I'm standing at the time border
where some kind of mass protest has
broken out. Hundreds of men who have
lost their jobs to time immigrants are
here having sex with one another. These
men have apparently sucked and screwed
their way across the state and are now
here at the time border trying to get
national attention. These unemployed
men have been having sex for several
days. Joining me is their spokesperson,
Randy Marsh. Mr. Marsh, what exactly
are you trying to accomplish?
RANDY
We're doing the only thing we can do.
If our government is just gonna let
anybody into our time who wants to come,
then we have to take matters into our
own hands. We're trying to turn everyone
gay so that there are no future humans!
Present-day America Number One!
DARRYL WEATHERS
Yeah America!
MAN 8
Take our jobs!
HARRISON MOORE
Do you really think you can get enough
people to turn gay to destroy the future
of humanity?
RANDY
All we can do is try, Harrison.
DOUCHE
Trying to stop immigration is intolerant
and ignorant. Those immigrants have
a right to pursue happiness.
HARRISON MOORE
Young man, what do you think about
all this?
STAN
I I think it's wrong to call them goobacks
because they're no different from us.
They're just humans trying to make
their lives better. Look, it sucks that
the immigrants' time is so crappy, but
the cold hard truth is that if we let
them all come back to our time, then
it's just gonna make our time crappy
too. Maybe the answer isn't trying to
stop the future from happening, but
making the future better.
MAN 9
Huh?
STAN
I mean, maybe if we all commit right
now to working toward a better future,
then, then the future won't be so bad,
and, these immigrants won't need to
come back here looking for work.
MAN 10
Hey. He's right. If we build for a
better future, the immigrants will stay
there.
MAN 11
Yeah. We've got to start working towards
a brighter tomorrow.
RANDY
Well what are we waiting for?
[Montage of green living. First scene is a group of men planting
trees. Next scene is a group of people at a recycling center
watching Mr. Garrison toss in his bag of spent aluminum cans.
Mr. Slave then tosses in his load. Next scene has the boys, Randy,
and Weathers bringing food to African tribesmen. Next scene has
the boys helping Randy and Weathers paint a wooden fence white.
Next scene is a newly-minted wind farm in South Park made by
the townspeople. Stan and Shelley look at each other, smiling.
Next scene has Weathers plugging his electric car into an outlet
next to the garage door as others watch. Next scene has Stan
bringing a gift to the towm bum. A bunch of adults follow him
proudly. Next scene has some of the kids and many of the adults
swaying gently to some music]
SINGER
We've got to work for a better future,
we've got to join hands for tomorrow.
Take the first step and you will see the future begins with you
and me.
We can start to make a difference if we want it for our children
Recycle that can and plant that tree, 'cause the future begins
with you and me.
CARTMAN
Look, it's working!
SINGER
The future begins with you and me.
DARRYL WEATHERS
The immigrants are fadin' away!
STAN
We're doing it!
[Next scene shows the townfolk cleaning up a meadow. Next scene
has the Marshes watching Weathers and an assistant install solar
panels on the Marshes' roof. Last scene has the townsfolk tilling
ground at a farm]
SINGER
We've got to work for a better future,
we've got to join hands for tomorrow.
Take the first step and you will see the future-
STAN
Dude, wait wait ho, hold on. Wait a
second. This is gay.
KYLE
This is really gay.
CARTMAN
Yeah, this is even gayer than all the
men getting in a big pile and having
sex with each other.
STAN
Okay, sorry, my bad, e-everyone back
in the pile.
DARRYL WEATHERS
Back in the pile everyone!
RANDY
We're going back to the pile.
MAN 12
Jump in!
MAN 13
Come on, everybody!
MAN 14
Never mind, we're going back to the
pile!
MAN 15
Took ur jurb!
THE END
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