"HELEN KELLER, THE MUSICAL"
[A stage, rehearsal, day. Stan, Kyle, and Wendy are in costume
on stage. Stan is dressed in a white suit and bowtie, and a fake
beard and moustache. Kyle is dressed as a country doctor with
starched collar, and Wendy is dressed in white pants, purple
coat and beret, and bowtie. The stage itself has a door prop
and a tripod table with a bowl and jar atop it. Kyle enters through
Doctor, doctor! Will our daughter be
I am sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Keller, but
I'm afraid your daughter Helen still
cannot see, hear, or speak.
Oh no! NO!
'Ere 'ere, my good wife, 'ere is nothing
we can do.
My poor little Helen.
She can't see or hear us, John.
E-yes. Perhaps she should go to an
Stan, what the hell is wrong with you?
I can't understand your lines!
'Cause the 'eard 'urts my 'ace.
Can we take a lunch break now?
No! If we want our play to be better
than the kindergartners' play, we have
to rehearse as much as possible! Now
let's continue the scene!
Hello. My name is Anne Sullivan, and
I believe I can teach this child to
Uh-eally? Uh you think so?
Water, Helen! Waaa-terr!
Agh oh-ight, Timmih!
God-damnit, Timmy! Helen Keller isn't
suposed to talk!
Hey you guys! We got a big problem!
What is it, Butters?
The kidnergartners! I just came from
their dress rehearsal. Hoh, it's good,
you guys. It's real good!
They got Pilgrim outfits! And Indian
ones, too! They've got singing and dancing
and boy you've never seen such a show!
Why, it's a Thanksgiving extravaganza!
Clyde Oh, no!
We can't be outdone by the kindergartners!
Oh, now what?
Oh yeah, we can't!
Alright, alright! Quiet down! Look,
we still got four days until the Thanksgiving
festival; that's plenty of time to revamp
Revamp how? The rules are that the fourth
grade class has to perform the Helen
Yeah, but nobody told us how we had
to do it. We can have Thanksgiving stuff
and music numbers, too.
Well, we can add music numbers, but
how do we make the Helen Keller story
I know! How about, instead of a dog,
Helen Keller has a pet turkey.
Yeah, a turkey that could do tricks.
That's the spirit, gang! Alright. Stan
and Wendy, you go out and find some
musical instruments! Kenny and Clyde,
take some kids and buy some Thanksgiving
decorations for the set! Kyle and Timmy,
you go out and find a turkey!
This is gonna be the best version of
the Miracle Worker ever!
[a barn, with no snow around it. Cows are grazing on the grass
outside. Inside, a rancher shows Timmy and Kyle around the barn.]
What kind of turkey are you lookin'
A smart one, that can do tricks.
Well, I ain't got a whole lot left,
it bein' almost Thanksgiving and all.
Go ahead, just pick one out.
Oh, that one's a little messed up.
Not exactly the... pick of the litter.
Uh, Timmy, if we back to the other kids
with that turkey they're gonna be pissed!
Yeah. Best you not take that one. I
was just about to take it out in the
yard and putt a bullet in its head.
What?! Aw, dude, don't say that!
Alright, we'll take him. How much?
But you were just gonna take it out
in the backyard and put a bullet in
I know! Now I gotta find somethin' else
...God-damnit, here! Alright, Timmy,
I've got a one-legged pig if you'd like,
Aw, blow it out your ass!
Guys, I want you all to meet Jeffrey
Maynard. He's South Park's biggest expert
on musical theater, AND, he played the
lead in Les Misérables at the Denver
Community Playhouse for five weeks.
Do you think we could make up a good
Thanksgiving play in four days?
I would swear it on my life. Your play
shall want for nothing.
Now, the first thing a good musical
needs is a big opening number. Something
that sets up the entire show.
Alright! Places, everybody! Bring in
the turkey! What the hell is that?
It's a turkey. His name is Gobbles.
And where... pray... is our beautiful trick
Um, we... sssort of spend all the money
on this... one...
Kyle, can I talk to you over here for
a second? Kyle? Why do you do these
things to me?
I didn't do anything to you. Timmy saw
the turkey and wanted to get it. What
do you want me to say to him?
You say, "No, Timmy, you can't have
that turkey! Bad Timmy!"
Look, I know it isn't exactly what
we wanted, but maybe we can train it.
He's not gonna work, Kyle. The whole
point was to make our play better than
Yeah, that turkey sucks.
Wait! What's that, you say? A thanksgiving
turkey is what you require? I know of
During my years on Broadway I... worked
with a turkey who could do all kinds
of tricks. She even jumped through a
hoop of fire.
Cool! Can you get it for us?
I will go promptly and call her trainer.
On the morrow you shall have your trick
[South Park, Timmy's house, night. Timmy is in his room with
a hula hoop in hand, sitting on the floor]
Gobbles! Gobbles! Up, heh. Uh! Heeey,
Gobbles! Gobbles. Gobbles!
[South Park, Cartman's house, night. Cartman is in his room rewriting
a part of the play.]
Cartman; No no no! [tosse another sheet over his shoulder, to
join other wads on the floor. His mother enters the room]
Boopsie-kins, It's late. You need to
be in bed.
I can't sleep, Mom! I have to write
the lyrics for the opening song of our
Helen Keller Thanksgiving spectacular!
But Mo-o-om, I have to write these
lyrics so the plight of Helen Keller
can be realized by the common man.
Twenty more minutes, and that's it.
Twenty minutes! Does Tim Rice's mom
give him twenty minutes to write the
lyrics to "Phantom Of The Opera"?!
Speak to me Helen. Let me be your voice.
Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your
spirit through me!
[South Park, Timmy's house. Timmy is in bed asleep. Soon, Gobbles
hops up on the bed and drops his head on the covers. He slowly
inches up to Timmy's face, looking at Timmy all the while, and
settles in next to him. Gobbles soon falls asleep. Timmy's left
hand comes to rest on Gobbles' body. An exterior shot with the
moon low in the sky is shown and fades out.]
[The South Park Community Theatre, the stage, next day. rehearsal.
Clyde is speaking under a spotlight]
Tonight we present the story of a courageous
girl and her fight against depression
Oppression. Our play begins in a simpler
time. Alabama, in the late 1800's
1800's, Alabama! What a great place
We're so happy that we live in 1800's Alabama 'cause it's sunny
and there is no crime!
Now to the refrain!
And in this little town in 1800's Alabama
there's a family by the name of Keller!
[They dance off to one side of the house. A water pump appears]
Their daughter's deaf and mute and blind as a bat, and her parents
can't even tell her!!
Excuse me, I am Lamond, the animal
Oh. Cool! He's here!
Awesome! Do you have a turkey that can
Ap ap! Do not call them tricks! She's
a very sensitive turkey! She performs
feats, not tricks. Ladies and gentlemen,
may I present the most beautiful bird
in America! Four-time prize winner
of the National Western Stock Show and
reigning poster child of turkeylovers.com!
I give you Alinicia!
Her feathers are beautiful.
Clyde That's the prettiest turkey I ever saw.
Of course she is!
Okay! Now we can really get this thing
underway! Places, everybody! Where
the hell is Timmy?
What... is... that?!
Uh, that's Gobbles, the physically challenged
Timmy, we already got a turkey.
Yeah, and it's from Broadway.
No, Timmy! Tha handicapped turkey does
not go in our play!
Dude, don't forget: Timmy is the only
kid who can play Helen Keller. Don't
piss him off.
No, that's right. Only Timmy knows the
Oh, Jesus! Okay, fine! Helen Keller
can have TWO pet turkeys!
My turkey does not work with other turkeys!
Oh, God-damnit, now what are we gonnan
[The South Park Community Theatre, later. Hallway outside a dressing
room. The door opens and Lamond stands there trying to calm Alinicia
Alright, ah ah alright! Alri- ah a-alright.
Dude, we need your turkey for our play!
She's not coming out. She's very upset!
She's pooped all over the room!
I know, I know, but listen: uhlet me
try to explain the position I'm in here.
The retarded turkey belongs to our friend,
Timmy. And Timmy's the only person who
knows the part of Helen Keller. So,
so tell me what I can do here to make
Kill the other turkey!
I can't dude. Timmy has a boner for
Well, it could meet with "an unfortunate
Unfortunate accident? You mean, like
Geena Davis getting her own TV show?
It's very simple! Either that turkay
meets with an unfortunate accident,
or you don't have a feat-performing
turkey for your Helen Keller Thanksgiving
Alright, alright! Just get your turkey
to stop crapping all over the dressing
room and come out for rehearsal! I'll
take care of everything.
[The South Park Community Theatre, the stage, later. Bebe and
Timmy are front and center while the others stand in a row in
Water, Helen. It has a name. Oh, why
can't you understand?
Water, Helen, Water.
She's never gonna do it. There's no
way she'll ever do it.
Helen, Helen. Water, Helen.
How can she talk if she can't hear?
This is absolutely pointless!
Okay, uh, hold it. Uh, let's hold it
right there a second. Okay, I just
want to adjust the blocking real quick.
Hm-let's see. Uh, why don't we have
Turkey #2 stand just a little bit more
over... here. Let's see, maybe a little
more up in here. And just a wee bit
over here. And right about... hm'ere.
There we go. Good.
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Aw, crap! I must've rigged the wrong
Let him rest in peace. Let him rest.
Why must he die?
They've got special effects!
The kindergartners! They've got amazing
stage effects. Pyrotechnics and what
have yous. Why, it's a regular feast
for the eyes!
We're never gonna outdo them now!
But what are we gonna do?
Calm down! Calm down! We can have special
effects, too. Now, I know a lot is going
wrong, but we've got to stick together
to make this play work! All of us!
—and into your hands uh he... buh...
[The South Park Community Theatre, the stage, later. Timmy is
in another hallway trying to get Gobbles to hop through the hoop]
Gobbles! Hu-ugh, Gobbles!
Yes, Tim. I feel I must speak with you.
The others, well, they don't want you
to know, but, oh, I don't know what
to do. Should I tell you?
I feel I'm the only one who can be honest
with you. The animal shelter is on
its way to...take your turkeyy away from
You see, they don't allow children in
your... situation... to have wild animals
as pets. You can't take him running,
you can't take care of him. They... have
to take it away.
They take wild pets away from people
like you... and hand them over for experiments.
And they're shocked, dissected, and
falyed while thery're still alive. And
no matter where you go, the shelter
people will find you. The only way for
that turkey to avoid years of torture
is for you to... let him go. Back into
the wild. Oh no! Here they come now!
Quick, go! And set your turkey free!
I'll try to stall them.
Eh, excuse me, we're here to install
the water effects for the musical?
Uh, the stage is right through there.
[South Park, Cartman's house, night. Cartman is at his desk in
his room rewriting a song.]
Alright, got to write the new lyrics.
Lemme see. no No. NO! God-damnit
How is it going, Eric?
Terrible! I can't write the lyrics
for the third act! Nothing's coming
Well, you know in theater sometimes,
we try different tricks to get the creative
Let's see. Helen Keller was blind and
deaf. Perhaps you should see what it
is like. Deprive yourself of your senses
and see what plays inside your mind.
Hey, that's not a bad idea.
Just relax. Just try to let your mind
wander and let the juices flow...
[First, the portrait of Helem Keller. Then nothng. Then Helen
Keller again, then a banana split, then Helen again, then a human
skull. Cartman is disturbed. Then Helen, the skull, another skull,
Helen, a mummy whose hair moves a bit, bombs dropping from planes,
a sinister clown, the banana split, a body being prepped for
opeartion, the banana split, a wall with "GO DEAD BE DEAD" written
in blood on it, a Russian show of military might, Helen, animals
tearing at something, a riot, a close-up of a snake, an atomic
bomb test, a lasik experiment. Cartman. The first skull, "GO
DEAD BE DEAD", the skull, the experiment, the skull, the experiment,
a woman wailing in the flames, open-heart surgery, a rat eating
a dead rat, the banana split, a mouth being pulled open, Helen,
a Nazi troop march, a fireman in an inferno, the Hindenberg bursting
in flame, an alien opening its mouth and the camera zooms in...
Cartman takes the blindfold and headphones off]
Well, did you see anything?
No, just the same old crap I always
see when I close my eyes.
...Oh, that's too bad.
Wait. I've got it! The perfect setup
for when Helen Keller's pet turkey jumps
through the hoop of fire! Yes! Yes!
I have it now!
[South Park, residential street, day. Timmy rolls along dejected
and turns to anothr street. He remembers what Lamond said as
The only way for that turkey to avoid
years of torture is for you to... let
him go... let him go... let him go...
Gobbles! Gobbles!! Gobbles. Gobbles!
Timmih. Timmih, Gobbles.
Daddy, why did Mommy leave and go to
She didn't want to, Kevin. She... had
But I miss her.
I could have so much more with my life,
son. I've wasted it. I've wasted it,
not ever telling you and Mark that I
Robby! Robby, no!
...Because now, every time I look at you
, I see her! I have to move on.
Kelly, please. Don't do this. I'm sorry.
Then why did you do it??
I don't know!
Have you done the right things in your
[The South Park Community Theatre, Wednesday, play day. The parents
arrive and take seats. Mrs. Marsh finds Mrs. Broflovski siiting
in the audience already, and walks up to her]
Hello, Sharon. Where's your husband?
Oh, he's in the back. He set up a video
camera so he can tape the performance.
Oh, so did Gerald.
Oh yeah, I got a great angle here.
Ey, Gerald, maybe after the show we
can make copies of each other's tape
so we have both.
[The South Park Community Theatre, stage. The kids mill around
So wait. Do we do that spin-around thing
on the last beat?
No, it's on the 'en or the 'ay.
You ready for the big show, Timmy?
Where's Gobbles, Timmy?
Alright everybody, let's take our places!
Cartman, where's Timmy's turkey?
I don't know. I don't know, you guys!
Alright, maybe I tried to have Timmy's
turkey crushed by a stage light, but
I didn't do anything else. I'm not an
You're going to be brilliant, you sexy,
gorgeous turkey. With that other meddling
animal out of the way, you'll steal
[South Park, business district, day. Gobbles walks along the
curb as cars zip by, then decides to cross the street. A car
zips be and Gobbles steps back. The camera angle shows Gobbles'
view of the car that almost ran over him]
Well, well, what are doing out here?
You shouldn't be out walking the streets.
[Uncle Joe's Fresh Turkey truck, trailer section. Gobbles finds
himself along near the doors and looks up to see a group of turkeys
looking back at him. Then the turkeys look up, and Gobbles does
also. What they see is a sign that reads, "Thanksgiving Turkey.
Killed Humanely." Gobbles looks at the turkeys, who look back,
and then drops his head]
[The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Mr. Garrison is present
to introduce the show.]
Hello, parents, and welcome to the 13th
annual South Park Thanksgiving Pageant.
Every year the fourth graders do "The
Miracle Worker," and every year I have
to sit and watch it.
Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it
one more time, I'd put a bullet in my
head. But luckily I got really stoned
before I came.
And now, here it is. The touching story
of Helen Keller, "The Miracle Worker."
Helen Keller, Helen Keller, blind as
She can't hear us speak. What's up with that?
This is "The Miracle Worker"?
I... well... maybe.
Oh, oh, haha. Wow.
Come on. Yaah! Move it!
[the turkeys leave the room and enter another one. A movie screen
faces them. Another worker appears and closes the door behind
the turkeys. The turkeys remain excited until a movie comes up
with sweeping views of nature. The turkeys calm down, and a view
of clouds zipping along the sky follows. Then waterfalls. The
lights come up and a giant saw comes out and chops the heads
off all the turkeys save one. The saw rises. Only Gobbles survives,
and he keeps his head low as he finds a clearing. A large board
appears and pushes the decapitated turkeys out an opening on
the opposite wall. The bodies are then lifted up and returned
to the truck they came in, but the building they come out of
is 3C. Gobbles falls off the truck and ends up on the floor.
Jimbo and other South Park hunters pass by and notice]
Holy crow. Look, boys! A real live wild
turkey! It's tryin' to outsmart us!
Come on, fellas!
[The South Park Community Theatre, stage. The audience watches
John, come quick! Our little baby's
[Stan rushes in]
When I pout she doesn't flinch, and when she doesn't move an
No, that cannot be. Honey you are scaring
She can't see hear, John. Watch. Helen!
I think our baby's deaf and blind. Oh no!
Oh no! Oh no!!!
[The South Park Community Theatre, backstage. Timmy and Lamond
watch Alinicia perform.]
She's brilliant! Everyone loves her
Hey, the fountains you guys installed
are shorting out some of our lights.
Look, we're only here to do the water
effects. We're not in charge of electrical.
That's a different union.
Union Mafia bastards!
Oh, heh. Look, Tim, all is well in love
and theatre, right? Haha.
[The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Cartman rushes up to
the other kids]
Cartman Were is Timmy?! He's on in one minute!
He's gone, dude! Butters says he saw
Leave?? Leave?? But nobody else knows
the part of Helen Keller!
I do. I know the part. If I must, I
can go on.
...Alright, fine! Get in costume!
[South Park, business district, day. Timmy wheels down the street
past Tele's calling out...]
[The barn. Gobbles returns to his prior home, and the hunters
follow him there]
There it is! Hey, hey! I saw it first!
I get the first shot! Here, turkey
[The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Stan, Kyle, Wendy,
and Jeffrey are in costume]
There is nothing we can do for our poor
daughter. We cannot reach her.
I cannot hear what they are saying.
I cannot tell them how I feel.
What the hell is he doing? Helen Keller
isn't supposed to sing!
If only I could say things that go on
in my mind.
[The barn. Jimbo still has Gobbles in his sights]
That's it. Thaaat's it!
Gobbles! T-timmih? Gobbles? Gobbles!
Aw, thank God you're alright, kid.
It was an accident, I swear. Uh, is
there any way we can make it up to you?
[The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Bebe, and Jeffrey are
in costume. Bebe pumps water onto Jeffrey's hand]
Yes, that's it. That's it, Helen. Water!
She did it!
She did it! She did it! Water! Water
Water, Helen, Water.
We can't believe she did it.The dumb kid really did it.
Water, Helen, Water.
Now that I can communicate the world
is not so cold and dark.
Water, Helen, Aaa-aaaaaa!
[the waterworks go up real high and two fountainheads crash into
Here it comes, angel! Your big finale!
The audience is going to go wild! Oh.
Back already? Don't worry. Maynard covered
your part flawlessly.
Alinicia! Jesus, no!
Okay, we're ready for the- What the
hell did you assholes do?! This is supposed
to be the big finale where the turkey
jumps through the ring of fire!
Oh. Oh, wow! WOWuh!
They loved it! They LOVED it!
[The South Park Community Theatre, stage, night. Mr. Garrison
is onstage to introduce the last skit of the night]
And finally tonight, parents, we have
the South Park Kindergarten class. Their
play is titled, "Thanksgiving, Mon Ami."
Okay, here we go.
Dude, it just can't be better than ours.
It just can't be.
[four little pilgrims enter singing to a long table in front
of a cabin and a tipi]
It's getting dinner. Let's all eat.
E I E I O.
And on that dinner we'll invite some Indians
E I E I O.
[four little Indians appear and take their seats at the table]
With an Indian here and an Indian there
Everywhere an Indian, Indian. Uh thank, thank-
[something pops by the middle of the table...]
Alright, see you next year, parents.
We worked our asses off to compete with
Butters told us their play was awesome!
...Wow, did you see that? They had a horse,