"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 704
"I'M A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, day. The bell rings. The fourth graders
are still chatting as Mr. Garrison enters.]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, let's take our seats.
Did you take attendance, Mr. Slave?
MR. SLAVE
All donesy wunsy.
MR. GARRISON
Okay, let's all take out our math homework
and go over the problems.
CARTMAN
Mmmath homework, Mmmath homework. Where
did I file that?
MR. GARRISON
Oh, and by the way, children, there's
a walkout scheduled today to protest
the war in Iraq. So, uh, if you're against
the war, run along outside, and if you're
for the war, uh, stay here and we'll
do math problems.
[South Park Elementary, front entrance. The door open and all
the kids run out. A cloud of paper signals their exit. Some of
them twirl with delight. The boys come out singing]
THE BOYS
We got out of schoo-l! No more school
toda-ay!
KYLE
What should we do?
STAN
Let's go see a movie!
PROTESTERS
No war! No war! No war! No war! No
war! No war! No war! No war! No war!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
No war, m'kay?! No war, m'kay?! Oh
uh, here you go, boys. These will help
you protest. It's good to see that you
care about peace, boys, m'kay? No war,
m'kay?!
A VOICE
Excuse me, boys. Tom Stansel, HBC news.
Can you kids tell me why you marched
out of school today?
STAN
Uh... war?
TOM
Right. What about the war?
KYLE
Ih ih ih-t's g-gay?
TOM
Uh huh, and what aspect of it do you
think is most gay?
KYLE
Uuuh, n-no blood for oil.
STAN
Yeah. War is not my voice.
CARTMAN
Bush is a Naizi
SKEETER
Hey all you unAmerican bastards! If
you don't like America, why don't you
git out?!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Don't you call us unAmerican! This country
was founded on the right to protest!
M'kay?
PROTESTERS
Yeah! Right!
STUART
If the Founding Fathers saw you burning
your flag an' callin' the President
a Nazi, they'd roll over in their grave!
SUPPORTERS
Yeah! Right!
RANDY
The Founding Fathers would agree with
our right to protest!
SKEETER
Foundin' Fathers would kick all your
asses!
TOM
Boys, what do you think the Founding
Fathers would say?
CARTMAN
...Eh the... Founding who?
[South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom. He stares at the
children angrily, his arms crossed]
MR. GARRISON
Well, I hope you little Commies are
pretty pleased with yourselves! Going
out there and protesting America, and
then saying on national television that
you don't even know who the Founding
Fathers are! You kids don't know squat
about America, do you?!
BUTTERS
Mmuh well, not really, no.
MR. GARRISON
Well that's just jingles! Because I'm
assigning all you little flag-burners
a full report on seventeen seventy-siyix,
and the Founding Fathers!
CLASS
Awwwwww!
MR. GARRISON
SHUT UP! I want you all in your study
groups of four, and if you can't give
an outstanding report on what the Founding
Fathers would have to say about all
this protesting, then it's Fs for you!
CARTMAN
Ugh. UGHuh. I can't do it! This is
waaay too much material for a nine-year-old!
KYLE
Oh no you don't, Cartman! Every time
we get put in a study group, you sit
on your ass while the rest of us do
all the work!
CARTMAN
But you guys are such better studiers
than me. I know you can pull it off.
STAN
You're gonna read this stuff and study
like the rest of us!
CARTMAN
Maaaa. M-maaaa.
KYLE
Shut up and study!
CARTMAN
Maaaa. Mah mah mh. Hmmm, 1776. When
our Founding Fathers created America.
I wonder what it used to be like in
those days? In those days? In those
days? In those days?
KYLE
What are you doing?
CARTMAN
I'm trying to have a flashback.
KENNY
(A what?)
CARTMAN
You know. If I have a flashback, then
I can see what 1776 was like first-hand!
STAN
No, you just have to study.
CARTMAN
Nonono. I've seen this work before.
Just give me a second. Oh okay, okay.
How about this: Say guys, 1776 was so
long ago. I wonder what life would have
been like back then? Back then? Back
then? Back then? Um... Oh waitwait,
I know, I know! Heheh, you know guys,
I don't even care about 1776. It was
so long ago, that I don't think it has
anything to do with me. With me. With...
anything to do with me. With me.
KYLE
That isn't gonna work, dumbass!
MR. SLAVE
Kids, let's keep it down for study group,
or else Mr. Garrison is going to punish
me.
STAN
Just face it, Cartman. You're gonna
have to study!
CARTMAN
Maaaaa. Meh mameh, Maaaaa!
[South Park Avenue. The opposing groups face each other in front
of the tallest building in town. Skeeter paints a line across
the span of the street and looks up]
SKEETER
There! All finished. From now on, this
is the pro-war side of town, and that's
the unpatriotic side.
RANDY
How about we call this the rational
side of town, and that the redneck side?!
PROTESTERS
Hahahaha, yeah.
JIMBO
You just keep all your flag burnin'
and your hippie-rock protest songs on
YOUR side o' the town!
PROTESTER
Hey wait a minute, your side of town
has the post office.
STUART
Well your side has the grocery store.
JIMBO
Well you can come to our side of town
to use the post office and we can go
to your side to use the grocery store.
KYLE'S FATHER
Aaah, can we cross the line to take
our kids to school?
JIMBO
W-hell, naturally you could cross the
line for that. Just like ...we could
cross the line for hardware, supplies,
gas, and pharmaceutical needs.
TOWNSFOLK
Yup, yes sir, yeah, right, uh huh.
SKEETER
Hey everybody, this is never going to
work. Don't you see? All this dividin'
up the town, it's just ridiculous. What
we really should be doing, is just beatin'
the hell out of each other like we were.
RANDY
He's right. Boy, do I feel like a fool.
[Cartman's house, upstairs. The boys walk down the hallway and
reach Cartman's room. He's rigged up a way to ... knock himself
out. Three pulley wheels and a nail guide a string tied to the
door across the entrance, up the wall, and back to the top of
the door entrance. At the other end of the string is a big rock.]
KYLE
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!
You're suppsoed to be studying!
CARTMAN
That's what I'm doing. I'm about to
find out all about what happened back
in 1776.
STAN
How?!
CARTMAN
All I have to do is be thinking about
American history when I walk through
this doorway. I'll trip the rope, causing
the rock to fall on my head. And then
I will have a flashback to the times
of our Founding Fathers!
KYLE
Cartman, you are hereby declared a full-fledged
retard!
CARTMAN
Haha, make fun of me all you want, Kyle!
But I will have the last laugh. Gentlemen,
if you will clear the doorway, please?
Oh Gee. I wonder what it used to be
like in the year 1776.
KYLE
Cartman? Cartman??
CARTMAN
Benjamin Franklin?
KYLE
No, turdpants, it's Kyle!
CARTMAN
Kyle! Get out of my flashback, you
God-damned Jew!
[City Hall, day. Both sides of the war issue are in the office.]
TOWNSFOLK
Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Okay, people. What are we rabbling about
now?
RANDY
Mayor, our peace rally has always been
set for this Saturday! Now, these pro-war
bastards are suddenly trying to say
they get the town square.
SKEETER
That's bullcrap, Mayor! Our rally to
support the war was set up months ago!
KYLE'S FATHER
There was no war months ago!
SKEETER
Hey, if you don't like America, then
you can git out!
RANDY
Look, nobody wants to hear a bunch of
twangy country music prowar proopaganda!
STUART
Well nobody wants to hear a bunch o'
rock protest songs!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well up yours, rednecks!
TOWNSFOLK
Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Quiet people! The town square is public
space. That means if neither group will
nicely and maturely move the day of
its rally, I'll just have have to give
the town square to both groups.
JIMBO
All right, that's fine! Because our
war support songs will be a thousand
times better!
RANDY
Oh, you think so? Bring the shizzle!
SKEETER
We'll trizzle the shizzle all over the
hizzle!
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah?! See you Saturday, makizzer shanna
sharilla shaz biuznatch gazizzah!
[Cartman's house, night. The front door opens and in walk the
boys.]
STAN
Cartman?
KYLE
Cartman? You'd better be studying, God-damnit!
CARTMAN
Ah, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, you're just in
time.
STAN
Oh no...
CARTMAN
Oh yes! I am just about to flash back
to the days of our Foundig Fathers!
KYLE
Cartman, you're supposed to be studying!
What the hell is all this?!
CARTMAN
I have programmed TiVo to record over
fifty hours of the History channel.
When TiVo is full, both TiVo and I will
be dropped into the water, combining
our electrowhatever fields and sending
me into a flashback of history!
STAN
Uh Cartman, I think that's a really
bad idea.
CARTMAN
Or a really sweet one.
TIVO
Your TiVo is full.
CARTMAN
Whoa, here it goes!
KYLE
Cartman? Cartman??
STAN
Aww crap.
[The flashback. Cartman is seen in period dress, face down on
a dirt road. He comes to, looks up, sits up and looks around,
then notices his clothes. He quickly rises and looks at Philadelphia
in the distance.]
CARTMAN
Ohhh awesome!!!
DRIVER
Worthy young lad, are you all right?
CARTMAN
Yeah yeah. Can you tell me what year
it is?
DRIVER
This year? Why it's 1776, it is.
CARTMAN
Oho yes! I did it I did it!
DRIVER
Would you like a ride into town? I'm
on my way to Master Thomas Jefferson's
hosue to get a very important document,
I am.
CARTMAN
Oho kick fucking ass, dude!
DRIVER
Never seen you around here, friend.
Might you be from up North?
CARTMAN
No, I'm not from here at all. I'm having
a flashback.
DRIVER
A flashback? Why, what is that?
CARTMAN
Well you know, it's a... H-ho, awesome!
Look at me, I'm back in time, in 1776.
With gaslight corners, cobblestone streets, and humble houses
made of bricks.
What a special magic time, and it's all alive for me
I'm so glad Stan and Kyle aren't here. I hate those guys, seriously.
Seriuosly hate those guys. Hate Stan and Kyle.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Cartman's recovery room. Cartman's
mom sits by his bed as Stan and Kyle look on. Dr. Doctor enters]
LIANE
Is he going to be all right, doctor??
DR. DOCTOR
Your son tried to kill himself in a
ritualistic fashion I've never seen
before. His chances of surviving are
very slim. I'm so sorry.
LIANE
Oh baby baby, you can't die.
KYLE
Yeah. We have a report to do, asshole!
Get up! Get up!!
LIANE
Whoa. Easy, Kyle.
KYLE
But it's not fair! We have to do a full
report on the Founding Fathers, and
Cartman got out of helping us again!
STAN
I gues we're just gonna have to do it
with the three of us! Come on, guys!
LIANE
I know you're in a very dark place now,
sweetie. But you must come toward the
light! Come toward the light!
[Flashback, night. The driver and Cartman approach Jefferson's
house.]
DRIVER
Here we are, then. The current residence
of Master Thomas Jefferson.
CARTMAN
Super neato!
DRIVER
I'm afraid you'll have to wait here.
CARTMAN
But, I need to talk to the Founding
Fathers to do my report.
DRIVER
Sorry. Only the official messenger boy
is allowed to talk to Mister Jefferson
CARTMAN
Oh, okay.I guess I understand. I don't
wanna wait for our life to be over...
I don't wanna wait for our life to
be over...
JEFFERSON
Hello. I am Thomas Jefferson.
CARTMAN
And I am the official messenger boy,
I am.
JEFFERSON
Very well. Take this document to the
Continental Congress.
CARTMAN
Wow, the Declaration of Independence
Day.
JEFFERSON
Some favir going to war with England
and others want to avoid war at all
cost.
CARTMAN
It's a bitch, ain't it?
JEFFERSON
Perhaps this document will make the
reasons for war obvious to all. Good
luck, young messenger! Now make haste!
[Stan's house, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny study at the coffee
table in the living room]
STAN
Okay, so Thomas Jefferson wrote the
Declaration of Independence, then the
Continental Congress-
PROTESTERS
No war! No war! No war!
KYLE
Oh, Jesus...
RANDY
Uh, boys, would you mind clearing the
living room. We have to practice our
big war protest song.
STAN
Dad, we have to study. Mr. Garrison
is making us do a presentation on what
the Founding Fathers would say about
the war.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Hey... That's a terrific idea!
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah! We could have the boys do their
presentation as part of our peace rally
on Saturday!
STAN
Oh, no, nononono.
SUPPORTERS
Support our troops! Support our troops!
Support our troops!
SKEETER
See? I told you they had your son.
STUART
Kenny. What are you doing over here
with all these unAmerican traitors?!
KENNY
(I'm doing my homework.)
RANDY
The boys are going to give a presentation
at our rally about how the Founding
Fathers would agree with our right to
protest!
STAN
Actually, we hadn't really come to a
decision-
STUART
Look! My son is a patriot and LOVES
his country! Come on, Kenny!
KENNY
(But Dad, I-)
STUART
NOW!
SKEETER
Yeah!
SUPPORTERS
Support our troops! Support our troops!
Support our troops! Support our troops!
STAN
Kenny, no- ohhh! Awww. Awww, now we
lost two in our study group!
KYLE
God damnit!
RANDY
Can you believe those hick sons of bitches?
Manipulating those kids to be on their
side.
KYLE'S FATHER
Disgraceful! Stan and Kyle, it's up
to you to show all those war-mongerers
that the Founding Fathers agree with
us!
PROTESTER 1
Yeah, that's right!
PROTESTER 2
Come on, guys!
PROTESTER 3
Get back to work!
KYLE
Do you think kids in every town have
to deal with this crap?
[Philadelphia, day. Independence Hall is shown. Cartman enters
and finds the Congress room. The doors open before him]
A VOICE
Enter, young messenger. I am John Hancock,
President of the Congress.
CARTMAN
Wow.
HANCOCK
Mr. John Adams?
ADAMS
Aye.
HANCOCK
Will you do the honors of reading the
document to Congress, please?
ADAMS
WHEN in the Course of human Events,
it becomes necessary for one People
to rise up- -we mutually pledge to
each other our Lives, our Fortunes,
and our sacred Honor.
P.S. - Every Thursday should be Free Ice Cream Day. [rolls up
the Declaration. Cartman looks around]
A CONGRESSMAN
Excuse me, but does this Declaration
actually suggest that we should go to
go war with England?
ADAMS
We have no choice, Mr. Dickinson.
[South Park, day. The town square stage. On stage are decorations
for the two sides. On the left is a large peace sign on a green
curtain surrounded by peace signs and protest signs, on the right
is a large eagle surrounded by yellow ribbons. Both groups are
on stage]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
All right everyone, thank you all for
comin' out to protest the war, m'kay?
.
SKEETER
Don't kid yourselves. These people have
come out to support our troops, right?!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
And now, Randy Marsh is gonna sing a
protest song he wrote about the war.
SKEETER
Oh no you don't! We're doing our pro-war
song first!
JIMBO
Yeah! The last thing these people want
is a bleedin'-heart rock protest song!
MAYOR MCDANIELS
People, I told you, you have to share
the stage.
RANDY
Nobody wants to here another pro-war
country song!
SKEETER
Well excuse me if...
I'm a little bit country.
RANDY
Well I'm a little bit rock-n-roll!
SKEETER
I'm a little for supportin' our troops.
RANDY
And I'm a little for bringin' them home.
SKEETER
I believe freedom isn't free.
RANDY
No, but war shouldn't be our goal.
SKEETER
We must defend our country.
RANDY
If it means war, then we say NO!
SOMEBODY
Yeehaw!
SKEETER
Did you forget them towers in New York?
Did you forget how it made you feel
To see them towers come down?
Were you like me? Did you think it weren't real?
RANDY
I like to rock, but I don't wanna rock
Iraq!
The only kind of rockin' America should do is the kind that we
can all dance to, yeah!
SKEETER
We got GPS, ICBMs, and good old-fashioned
lead.
We're gonna show Saddam what America means; that son of a bitch
will be dead.
RANDY
Why are we fightin' this war?
There's a man in the office we didn't vote for.
They didn't give me a choice.
War is not my voice! Yeaaaaahhhh!
[Philadelphia, day, Independence Hall. There's plenty of argument
going on]
ADAMS
We must go to war!
DICKINSON
But what about the violence?! The lives
lost?! If we found a country, it should
be founded on peace and diplomacy.
CONGRESSMAN 1
England will only understand one thing:
Force.
CONGRESSMAN 2
I must state again for the record that
South Carolina, North Carolina, Pennsylvania,
Maryland, and Georgia are against war!
CONGRESSMAN 3
Yeah, because you don't care about the
fate of the Colonies like we do! You're
all unpatriotic! And if you don't like
the Colonies, then you can git out!
DICKINSON
Don't you call us unpatriotic! We're
protesting this war because we care
so deeply for the fate of our Colonies!
You are all unpatriotic for leading
the Colonies into a war that half of
them don't want!
CARTMAN
Whoa, how very very relevant.
[South Park, day, town square. The rally is still going on, and
a reporter files the following report]
TOM
Tom, I'm standing in the town square
where the war rally has been going on
for an incredible eighty-seven hours.
The crowd still appears to be split
right down the middle - half of them
support country music, and the other
half rock-n-roll. Let's listen in.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
And now we'd like to bring out a couple
of very special South Park students
who did a report on what the Founding
Fathers would have to say about the
war.
PROTESTERS
Booooo!!
RANDY
For you people who still think war
is the answer, perhaps you can listen
to the voices ... of the children.
STAN
Uh, we didn't do it.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
What?
KYLE
We didn't do our homework.
SHARON
Boys! You were supposed to come out
here and tell everyone about the Founding
Fathers!
STAN
Well, first we lost one study partner
when Cartman put himself in the hospital,
and then they took Kenny away, and then
Kyle forgot to set his clock ahead for
Dalight Saving, so we couldn't find
anything in the history books about
Iraq and then-
SKEETER
That's because the Founding Fathers
would have supported the war!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
The Founding Fathers would have protested
like us!
SUPPORTERS
Support!
PROTESTERS
Protest!
SUPPORTERS
Country!
PROTESTERS
Rock-n-roll!
[the two sides charge at each other on stage, then off stage.
They attack each other with their signs. One man drives his "War
is not my voice" sign straight down into another man's head.
A man drives his "Bush is a Nazi" sign up a woman's nose after
she swats him with her "Support Your Troops" sign. A woman strikes
someone else down with her "No Blood for Oil" sign. Stan and
Kyle just look on]
[Philadelphia, day, Independence Hall. There's plenty of argument
still going on]
CONGRESSMEN
Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble
Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble!
DICKINSON
We cannot found a country based on war!
ADAMS
We cannot found a country that is afraid
to fight!
CONGRESSMAN
Rabble!
CONGRESSMEN
Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble
Rabble! Oh my, it's Benjamin Franklin.
It's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin
Franklin.
CARTMAN
Oh, it's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin
Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin.
HANCOCK
Mr. Franklin, where do you stand on
the war issue?
FRANKLIN
I believe that if we are to form a new
country, we cannot be a country that
appears war-hungry and violent to the
rest of the world. However, we also
cannot be a country that appears weak
and unwilling to fight to the rest of
the world. So, what if we form a country
that appears to want both?
JEFFERSON
Yes. Yes of course. We go to war, and
protest going to war at the same time.
DICKINSON
Right. If the people of our new country
are allowed to do whatever they wish,
then some will support the war and some
will protest it.
FRANKLIN
And that means that as a nation, we
could go to war with whomever we wished,
but at the same time, act like we didn't
want to. If we allow the people to protest
what the government does, then the country
will be forever blameless.
ADAMS
It's like having your cake, and eating
it, too.
CONGRESSMAN 2
Think of it: an entire nation founded
on saying one thing and doing another.
HANCOCK
And we will call that country the United
States of America.
CARTMAN
Wow, I get it now! I get it! Whoa,
here it goes. I wish I could go back
to my time. To my time, to, to my time.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Cartman's room. Cartman comes to
and looks around]
CARTMAN
Wow!
[South Park, town square. The townsfolk are still attacking each
other and killing more of their number. One man kills another
with a "PEACE NOW" sign. A war supporter runs a flag pole through
a protester, then pulls it back out again. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny
watch from the other end of the square, towards the stage as
the carnage continues]
CARTMAN
Everyone, stop! Please!
TOWNSMAN
The-the child! The child, from the hospital.
CARTMAN
If you all don't mind, I would like
to do my report now. I know what the
founding fathers would say.
STAN
He does?
KYLE
He does?
CARTMAN
I learned somethin' today. This country
was founded by some of the smartest
thinkers the world has ever seen. And
they knew one thing: that a truely great
country can go to war, and at the same
time, act like it doesn't want to.
You people who are for the war, you
need the protesters. Because they make
the country look like it's made of sane,
caring individuals. And you people who
are anti-war, you need these flag-wavers,
because, if our whole country was made
up of nothing but soft pussy protesters,
we'd get taken down in a second. That's
why the founding fathers decided we
should have both. It's called "having
your cake and eating it too."
RANDY
He's right. The strength of this country
is the ability to do one thing and say
another.
SKEETER
Yeah, but... if it weren't for all you
guys protesting, why everyone around
the world would hate the American people
instead of just the President.
KYLE'S FATHER
And if it weren't for you people flexing
your arms, America could easily get
taken over by terrorists or... or China.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I guess we... owe you an apology.
STUART
Eh-ah, I guess we owe you one.
TOWNSFOLK
Awww.
KYLE
Cartman? Cartman saved the day?
STAN
Can't be
CARTMAN
The Founding Fathers want you all to
know that we can disagree all we want,
as long as we agree that America kicks
ass.
SKEETER
Hey I'm a little bit country
RANDY
And I'm a little bit rock-n-roll-eh
SKEETER
I'll be the muscle of America
RANDY
And me, I'll be the caring soul.
TOGETHER
When you put us together you get a nation
with one goal
To thrive and prosper, with a little country and rock and roll.
RANDY
Come on up here, everybody!
EVERYBODY
We're a little bit country, and we're
a little bit rock-n-roll
STUART
We can be a nation that believe in war,
COUNSELOR MACKEY
And still tells the world that we don't.
EVERYBODY
Let the flag for hyprocisy fly high
from every pole
We're a little bit country, and we're a little bit rock-n-roll
RANDY
Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has
been great bringing you a hundred episodes.
SKEETER
We want to thank our guests, the pro-war
people. And the anti-war people.
STAN
What the hell are they doing now?
KYLE
Ah I don't know.
EVERYBODY
For the war, against, the war, WHO CARES??
One hundred episodes!
KYLE
I hate this town. Ah I really really
do.
THE END
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