"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 204
"IKE'S WEE WEE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children. Let's take our seats.
This morning we're going to have a special
lecture by your school counselor, Mr.
Mackey
STAN
Booooo!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Nuh-now, who was that? That is not
appropriate behavior, okay?
STAN
I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, mkay?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh. That's okay, just don't let it happen
again.
KYLE
We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey,
mkay?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, okay, okay, that's fine.
CARTMAN
Okay?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Okay. Now, uh, as your counselor, I'm
here to tell you about drugs and alcohol
and why they're bad, mkay? Uhso, first
of all, uh, smokin's bad. You shouldn't
smoke. Anduh, alcohol is bad. You shouldn't
drink alcohol. Anduh, as for drugs,
well, drugs are bad. You shouldn't do
drugs. Okay, that about wraps up my
introduction, now uh, are there any
questions? Yes, Stan?
STAN
Why do dogs have cold noses?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uuuuh, well I'm not sure.
STAN
Oooh.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Now-uh, let's focus our discussion first
on marijawana . Marijawana's bad, and
it also has a very distinct smell, mkay?
I'm gonna pass around just a little
tiny bit and I want you all to take
a smell , so you know when someone is
smoking marijawana near you. Mkay, just
take a smell, pass it on, and when
it gets back up to me, we'll finish
talking about it. In the meantime, I
want to get into alcohol a little, okay?
Uh, Alcohol is bad, Uh-if you drink
alcohol you…
KYLE
Hey, are you guys gonna come to Ike's
party this weekend?
STAN
Your little brother's having a party?
Why, is it his birthday?
KYLE
No, it's his bris.
CARTMAN
What the hell is a bris?
KYLE
I don't know. But there's gonna be lots
of food. And a band.
CARTMAN
Ah, kick ass! I wanna have a bris.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
…and so uh, that's why alcohol is bad.
Uh, ha- has that marijawana made it
back up here yet? No-oh, okay. Let's
talk about LSD . Uh, children, LSD ih-is
bad. It's a drug made famous by John
Lennon and Paul McCartney…
STAN
Hey, are we supposed to get your little
brother presents for a bris?
KYLE
Uuuh. I'm not sure.
STAN
Welluh dude, you'd better find out!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Boys, are you paying attention?
STAN
Sorry, Mr. Mackey, okay?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Okay. Now, children, has that marijawana
made it around yet? Uuuh, who-? Who
has the marijawana now? Um mm mkay,
whoeh, whoever has the marijawana, just-
pass it up to the front roww, mkay?
Whoa oh.
[Principal Victoria's office. Somebody's gonna get it]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
I am very disappointed in you, young
man. You should be ashamed of yourself.
What could have possessed you to be
so stupid?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I'm sorry, Prinshipal Victoria.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
We-hell, 'sorry' isn't going to cut
the cheese this time, mister! I'm afraid
I'm going to have to suspend you from
school.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
You mean I'm fired?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, I guess that's a grown-up way
to put it, yes.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
But- but it was an honest error of judgment,
nkay? I- I really thought it was important
for the kids to know the smell of marijawana,
okay?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
It was an error of judgment, Mr. Mackey,
but I'm afraid I have to let you go
for it. We searched each one of those
kids, but came up empty.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Buh-
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
We had to let them go home, and one
of them now has half a lid of Jamaican
grass because of you!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Huh, how am I going to make ends meet?
M- mkay? Wha-what will I do for money??
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
There, there, now. Maybe this will all
blow over some day and we can give you
a job as a janitor cleaning up vomit
with that pink sawdust stuff.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
No-uho-uho-uho! I'm not o-uho-uhokay!
[Bus stop. The kids leave the bus and Mrs. Crabtree peels away
screaming]
STAN
Man! That sucked, getting searched.
CARTMAN
Yeah, my ass is killing me.
KYLE
Why did they search us? That marijawana
never even made it to us.
CARTMAN
I wonder who took it…
[Garrison's house. He's looking sleepily at Teletubbies]
A TELETUBBY
Bye.
VOICE-OVER
And now it's almost time for bye-bye.
[The boys are walking home when Chef drives up to them]
CHEF
Hello there, children!
BOYS
Hey, Chef.
KYLE
How's it going?
CHEF
Bad.
KYLE
Why bad?
CHEF
Children, I heard about what happened
at school today. Now, none of you took
that nasty marijuana, did you?
STAN
No, dude! We never even saw it!
CHEF
Okay. Because I just want to tell you
that DRUGS ARE BAD!
STAN
We know, we know, that's what everybody
says!
CHEF
Right. Bud do you know WHY they're bad?
KYLE
Because they're an addictive solution
to a greater problem, causing disease
of both body and mind, the consequences
far outweighing their supposed benefits.
CHEF
And do you have any idea what that means?
KYLE
No.
CARTMAN
I know. Drugs are bad because if you
do drugs, you're a hippie. And hippies
suck.
CHEF
Look, children. This is all I'm goin'
to say about drugs- stay away from them.
There's a time and place for everything,
and it's called, 'College.' Do you understand?
BOYS
Dude!
CHEF
Okay.
KYLE
Hey! Are you going to come to Ike's
bris this weekend?
CHEF
Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!
STAN
Whatta you mean?!
CHEF
Don't you boys know what a bris is?
They're going to circumcise him.
CARTMAN
Wo-what's that?
CHEF
Oh boy. Here we go again. Children.
Uuuh. What's the one thing that's more
sacred to a man than anything else in
the world?
STAN
Haaa-a bicycle?
CARTMAN
Ham?
KYLE
No, not ham, you fat fuck!
CARTMAN
Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?
CHEF
Nono no, children, I'm talkin' about
the most important part of a man's body.
KYLE
Your heart?
STAN
Your eyes!
CHEF
Tsk.
KENNY
(Ooh, your penis!)
CHEF
That's right.
CARTMAN
Hey! My mom says you're not supposed
to call it a penis, Kenny! You're supposed
to call it a fireman.
CHEF
A fireman?
CARTMAN
That's the proper way of sayingn it,
or else you get a spanking.
CHEF
Goddammit, children! Why do I always
have to be the one to explain all this
stuff to you? Ask your parents for
once!
KYLE
Hey, wait!
STAN
Dude, something tells me this bris thing
isn't good.
[Mr. Mackey is walking the streets of South Park, quite depressed.
A car pulls up and the driver honks twice. Mr. Mackey looks to
see who it is]
FEMALE PASSENGER
Hey, Mackey, you got any more pot? My
four-year old needs a fix. Yehahahahaha
DRIVER 1
Hey, Mackey! Now we see what you and
Homer Simpson have in common: Dope!
Ha ha ha ha!
DRIVER 2
Heeey, Mackey!
DRIVER 3
Hey, Mackey! Why did the drug user cross
the road?
DRIVER 3'S PASSENGER
Who do you think you are, you stupid
drug-taking hippie?! You damn hippies
are all alike!
DRIVER 4
Won't you leave the guy alone?
DRIVER 5
Hey, Mackey! You gonna do some drugs?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uuuuuugh!
BARTENDER
Yeh-I don't think I've seen you around
here wafore.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Naw uh-I jus', I had to get away, nkeh-ughuh.
I just lost my job.
BARTENDER
Oh that's weak, man. You know what you
need? You need a good stiff drink.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Ohuh uh I don't drink, mkay?
BARTENDER
Trust me, man! Yit'll make you feel
better.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Ughuh. Drinkin's bad.
DEVIL
Go ahead. Drink the beer. It'll calm
you down.
ANGEL
Yeah. Why the hell not? It's just a
beer. Don't be such a pussy, ookay?
BARTENDER
How do you feel?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Woh, about the same.
BARTENDER
Whuh, you just need something a little
stronger.
[The boys minus Stan are at the curb working on an ice sculpture
of South Park]
STAN
Kyle! You have to stop them!
KYLE
Stop who?
STAN
Dude! I found out what a bris is! I
found out what they're gonna do to Ike!
KYLE
What?
STAN
They're gonna chop off his weewee!
KYLE
Chop off his weewee?! Are you sure?!
STAN
Yeah, dude! It's a Jewish tradition!
It's called a circumstision!
CARTMAN
Dude! That is not cool! Choppin' off
weewees is not cool!
KYLE
That can't be true! My parents wouldn't
do that!
STAN
Dude, I asked five different people.
They said all Jewish boys have circumstisions.
Anduh, and they make it into a party
called a bris.
CARTMAN
Dude, yuh-eh-ehyou just don't - chop
off somebody's fireman.
KYLE
I won't believe it. I won't. I have
to ask my mom and dad!
[Mr. Mackey is walking towards his house]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
We are young, nkay?
# Heartache to heartache, we stand, 'kay? [checks the mail, then
toddles away]
No promises, no demands, han, han, 'kay?
# [tries to put the key in the lock, but fails at it]
Hoowhoa! Is this my house?
LANDLORD
Your key ain't gonna work, Mackey!
I changed the locks!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Why, Mr. Freeley?
MR. FREELEY
I'm not rentin' to you anymore! I heard
that you got fired from your job for
selling drugs to children!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
No no no! 'Kay? Ih, it wasn't like that.
MR. FREELEY
Drugs are an illegal narcotic! And having
never taken drugs, I can say that they
have nothing to offer!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
But I've never taken drugs either.
MR. FREELEY
I've never taken drugs, and look at
me! I'm totally fine! Now get off my
property before I lose control and kill
you!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Huuhh? OW, ukay?!
MR. FREELEY
Drug user! Druuug user!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, uh.
MR. FREELEY
Come back here, dammit!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Whoa, wait!
[Kyle's home. Decorations for the bris are going up]
Happy Bris Ike
KYLE'S MOTHER
Just a little higher.
KYLE
Mom, Dad!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh! Hi, bubbeleh. I'm so glad you're
here. You can help us decorate for the
party!
KYLE'S FATHER
Your mother's made gehakafakah.
CARTMAN
What the hell is 'gehakafakah?'
KYLE
Mom, Dad? What exactly is this party
for?!
KYLE'S MOTHER
To celebrate your little brother's passage
into life.
KYLE
Meaning what?
KYLE'S FATHER
Meaning we're going to circumcise him.
CARTMAN
They are gonna cut off his fireman.
KYLE'S MOTHER
It's Jewish tradition, bubbe.
KYLE'S FATHER
Normally, we'd do it right after the
baby is born. But we had to do it later
for Ike because he's a-
KYLE
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
KYLE'S FATHER
Oooh, now, what's gotten into him?!
Stan, will you go talk to him?
BOTH PARENTS
Let us cut off your peewee, Stan!
STAN
Aaaaaaaaaaaa!
CARTMAN
Aaaah-that's the sickest friggin' thing-run,
ruuun!
KENNY
(Jesus Christ!)
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oygh, what is the matter with them?
KYLE
I can't believe my parents are cannibals!
STAN
What are you goin' to do, dude?
KYLE
I have to save my little brother! I
have to send him away until my parents
come to their senses! Come on, Ike!
IKE
I'm right behound.
KYLE
Cover me for a while. I'll find a place
to hide him and come back.
CARTMAN
No way, dude! We're not staying alone
in your house with your weewee-choppin'
parents!
KYLE
Just give me thirty minutes. Come on,
Ike!
[A dark alley. Mackey is sleeping under some pages from a newspaper,
now that he has no job or home]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Hoh! I can't sleep, it's too cold, nkay?
BUM
Hey! Do you want somethin' to warm you
up?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh uh, no-I didn't know this dark alley
was taken.
BUM
Here. Try this, it'll warm you up.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uuh, uh-uh-m marijawana's bad.
BUM
What?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uuh, ma-marijawana makes you feel depressed
and low, mkay?
BUM
And you don't feel that way now?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Hoh, good point. No, I don't feel any
differun-ooo Hoh, baby, get down, mkay?
BUM
Uh huh.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Man, this alley is cool! It's so alive
and beautiful!
BUM
Ooh boy.
SOUTH PARK TRAIN STATION
[A train is waiting to depart]
TICKETS
KYLE
Come on, Ike. Hurry up!
IKE
I tot I nuruh.
KYLE
Where's the next train going?
CLERK
Lincoln, Nebraska. Train leaves in five
minutes.
KYLE
You wanna go to Nebraska, Ike?
IKE
No-oh.
KYLE
I need one ticket for my little brother.
CLERK
That's a little brother? I thought it
was a trashcan or smething. What's wrong
with his head?
KYLE
Huh?
CLERK
I'm sorry, but we just can't throw Caucasian
babies on an outbound train.
KYLE
But my parents are gonna cut off his
ding-dong!
CLERK
What?! Why the hell would they do that?
KYLE
They've just gone crazy for a while.
Please, misteruh, I have to hide my
brother until they come to their senses.
CLERK
No can do, sonny.
KYLE
Dammit! Ike. If you wanna keep your
penis, you have to get on this train.
Ready Ike? Kick the baby!
IKE
Don't kick the baby!
KYLE
Bye, Ike! Be safe! I'll come find you
in Nebraska when Mom and Dad are back
to normal!
IKE
Buhbye.
[Some woods near the town, daytime. Mr. Mackey is dazed and confused.
A Seinfeldesque riff plays]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, man, where am I?
TEEN 1
Hey, wow, it's that counselor from elementary
school, Mr. Mackey.
Legalize
Everything
TEEN 2
Wow, dude.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh- Hi, boys. How are you today?
TEEN 1
Pretty good, man. How are you?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, I've been better. I've been kicked
out of town for doing drugs.
TEEN 1
Hey, us too!
TEEN 2
Yeah, remember? You caught us smoking
weed in the bathroom and got us suspended.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh. O fortune! Uh-how you mock me!
TEEN 1
Oh, cheer up, bro. All you need is some
clear liquid to get your head straight.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh. uh-boys, ele- LSD is bad. Hmmm.
Hey uh, who put all this cotton in
my mouth? Yeah! Baby! The world is
so small. I'm free! I'm free!
TEEN 2
Sweet, dude. Totally killer.
TEEN 1
That guy's totally tripping.
[Bus stop. Kyle has met the boys there and is working on a doll]
KYLE
There! What do you think?
CARTMAN
What the hell is that supposed to be?
KYLE
I'm making a dummy Ike doll. My parents
think he's out with me right now, and
I have to bring him back for dinner.
STAN
Dude, I think your mom is going to notice
that isn't Ike.
KYLE
Not if I say he's sick and put him to
bed right away.
SYLVESTER
Grrrrrrr. Rowrf! Grrr.
KYLE
No! Go away! Bad dog!
STAN
Dude, what did you make that doll out
of?
KYLE
I used a bunch of bones from the butcher
shop.
CARTMAN
Ey, is that why it stinks so bad?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Hii, booyys.
BOYS
Hi, Mr. Mackey.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Are you boys stayin' out of trou-ble?
BOYS
Yes.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Okay, I- I'm just gonna go over here
for a while.
KYLE
Anyway, I need you guys to help me so
that my parents don't realize Ike is
gone. Knock it off, asshole!
CARTMAN
No way! I'm never going back to your
parents' house!
STAN
Come on, dude. If it was your little
brother, we'd help you.
CARTMAN
Eech. Wait a minute! No you wouldn't!
TRAIN STATION
Welcome to
NEBRASKA
[The train comes to a stop. A door opens, and Ike is booted out]
IKE
Oh. Oooh.
WOMAN
Oh, would you look at that, honey? Somebody
dropped off a perfectly good trashcan!
IKE
Yeah. No more walbolching!
[Kyle's house. The boys return from the bus stop]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Bubbe, where have you been?! Dinner's
been ready for five minutes!
KYLE
Sorry, Mom. I just had to deal with
Ike. He, he's been cranky.
KYLE'S MOTHER
How is my little jellybean?
KYLE
Bye-bye seeme mama. Ah, I'm gonna
take him up to the bathroom to get washed
up.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Okay, but first let Mommy give you a
kiss.
KYLE
No Mommyuh he, he doesn't want you kissing
him!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Aaaaargh! Omigod, make him stop!
KYLE'S FATHER
AAAAAAAAAA!
KYLE
Put him down, you stupid dog!
KYLE'S MOTHER
My baby! Oh, God, the horror!
KYLE'S FATHER
Get out of here, you mutt! Let him go!
KYLE'S MOTHER
OoooohhhhhhOOH-ho. Oooh, my baby! Bubbeleh
mine! Waaaaaaa!! My baby!!
DRIVER
Huuh?
KYLE'S FATHER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Aaagh aaaaaaa! Oh, he's dead, he's
dead! My little bubbeleh's dead!
KYLE'S FATHER
There there, Shei-hla. There's nothing
we can do.
[The funeral. Ike's casket is being lowered into the plot. Present
at the funeral are the Marshes and the Broflovskis, Jimbo, Ned,
Barbrady, a piper, and the priest, dressed as a rebbe]
PRIEST
'Yea, usher us unto the Lord,' saith
some Jewish guy once. Ashes to ashes
and dust to dust
KYLE
Hey, wait a minute. How come Ike's tombstone
has the Canadian flag on it?
IKE MOISHA BROFLOVSKI
1996-1998
BORN A CANADIAN, DIED AN AMERICAN
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well, bubbe, there's something you have
to know. Ike wasn't really your brother-he
was adopted.
KYLE
What???
KYLE'S FATHER
He was not really a Broflovski, he was
Canadian. But we loved him all the same
KYLE
You mean to tell me that all this time
I've been trying to protect Ike from
having his fireman cut off, and he's
not even my real brother?!
KYLE'S MOTHER
What are you talking about?
KYLE
Dude, Ike isn't dead. He's in Nebraska!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Whatwhatwhaaat?!
STAN
Dude, you shouldn't have told them that.
Now they're gonna find him and cut off
his penis!
CARTMAN
Fireman!
KYLE
Ooh, who the hell cares? He's not even
my responsibility.
KENNY
(Hey!) (Hey, you guys! I'm dying-!)
STAN
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards!
PRIEST
Yea, let us ponder the Lord's mercy.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
[somewhere in South Park, after the funeral. Jimbo and Ned pass
Mackey on the sidewalk. Mackey's eyes are bloodshot. Jimbo and
Mackey bump shoulders.]
JIMBO
Get outta the way, you damn hippie!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I don't need to take you right-wing
authroritative bullshit!
JIMBO
What?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Aw, you're just like the government,
man! Trying to prosecute outta one side
of your mouth, okay, while supporting
guns outta the other, 'kay?
JIMBO
Aw, why don't you go to a Grateful Dead
concert?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I can't, man. Jerry Berry's dead, nkay?
BLONDE
He-e-ey, man, I overheard what you said;
that was coool!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Wha-oh. Thanks, man.
BLONDE
Would you like to come over to my place
and fingerpaint?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Sure, man. Fingerpaintin's cool, 'kay?
[Lincoln, Nebraska, train station. The Broflovskis get off the
train, Kyle first]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Now, where did you leave him, young
man?
KYLE
Aw, how the hell should I know?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Gerald, do something about your smartass
son!
KYLE'S FATHER
Uuuh. Mind your… mother, smartass.
KYLE'S MOTHER
If we don't find him, so help me, you're
gonna be grounded for a month! Ike,
love?
KYLE
All the time: "Look out for your little
brother, Kyle," "take care of your little
brother, Kyle," and he wasn't even really
my little brother.
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle, just because Ike is adopted doesn't
make him any less your brother.
KYLE
Yeah, right!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Excuse me, we're looking for a two-year
old Canadian boy.
CLERK
Two-year old Canadian boy, two-year
old Canadian boy- oh, I think they might
have one of those down at Hap's bar.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Come on!!
HAP'S
BAR
[The Broflovskis enter and scan the room, Ike is being used as
a base at one table. The camera pans back to him]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Ike!
IKE
Mamatoedoe.
BARKEEP
Hey, lady, that's my table post! You
can't have that!
[Mr. Mackey and the blonde are in bed admiring the fingerpainting
they have done all over the room, including the ceiling]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Wow, man. You know, it's like… you go
through life thinking that you're an
individual, nkay? And then you realize
that you're more than that, 'kay. We're
all just one big individual, 'kay?
BLONDE
Let's get married and have a honeymoon
in India.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Nkay.
[Kyle's house. Home sweet cell]
KYLE'S FATHER
Now you march to your room, and you
think about what you've done!
KYLE'S MOTHER
But first apologize to your brother
KYLE
He's not my brother!
KYLE'S FATHER
Apologize to him!
KYLE
I'm sorry, Ike.
IKE
Uh oh, stufid.
[Somewhere in India, Mackey and the blonde are hiking. Elephants
bathe in the river below them]
BLONDE
Wooow, this is sooo beautiful!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I am one with the animals! And the
trees!
BLONDE
And I am one with you!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
At long last I have found
A true reason to be
Now I feel I can start anew-
# [Mr. T flies onto him and pins him. Two other men come and
pick him up, then all three rough him up]
Woo, whoa! Ow! Hey! [they carry him away] Uh oh hel-m. Hey!
BLONDE
Whoa!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yeah I got-, mkay?
[Inside the van. Jimbo is driving, with Ned sitting next to him.
Mr. Mackey sits between Mr, T and Mr. Garrison]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh- What the hell is going on?!
JIMBO
Tough love, Mr. Mackey. We're taking
you to rehab.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I don't want to go to rehab. I haven't
even done drugs in weeks!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
We were wrong for shunning you, Mr.
Mackey, and we apologize. We should
have realized that you needed help.
MR. GARRISON
Yeah, now we're gonna make sure you
get the help you need.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I don't want help!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
You're gonna thank us later.
[The big day is here. Guests are arriving]
Welcome to
IKE'S
BRIS
FUNERAL
KYLE'S MOTHER
Hello, Tom. Hello, Patty. Thanks for
coming to Ike's bris.
IKE
Uh oh.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Look Ike, It's Uncle Murray
UNCLE MURRAY
Hello, Ike! Say, where's little Kyle?
KYLE'S MOTHER
He's been sent to his room for being
a bastard. He's decided that Ike isn't
his brother, since he's adopted.
GUEST
Hi there!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Hello. Ddo I know you?
GUEST
Uhno, but I never miss a bris. Here,
I brought some dip.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Ohhh, thanks.
[Kyle's room. The boys are gathered there]
CARTMAN
Well, I guess the chopping is about
to commence.
IKE
Oh deh family nrr.
KYLE
What do you want?!
IKE
I wumuh trecompr. Com. Tebruhnerr.
KYLE
Oooh no you don't! That isn't gonna
work on me, Canadian!
STAN
Maybe you're being too hard on him,
dude.
KYLE
No way! There's no real connection between
us. It was all a big lie.
IKE
Cooka monster two three four five.
KYLE
Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through
getting in trouble for you!
IKE
Baraterndr nfard fy.
BETTY FORD CLINIC
SOCIAL WORKER
You have to admit you have a problem
before anyone can help you.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
But I don't think I really have a problem.
SOCIAL WORKER
Nonsense! You did drugs! I suppose you
forgot all about your family.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I don't really have a family.
SOCIAL WORKER
And you lost your job.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
No, I lost my job before that.
SOCIAL WORKER
Mr. Mackey, you're supposed to be an
adult.
REHABILITATION
The problem with drugs is that people forget to stop doing them.
There's a time and a place for everything, Mr. Mackey, and it's
called 'College!' Now, I want you to repeat after me- 'Drugs
Are Bad.'
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Drugs are baad.
SOCIAL WORKER
Drugs Are Bad.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uuh. Dru- drugs are baad.
[More guests arrive for Ike's bris. Ding-dong]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Hello, Dr. Schwartz. Thank you so much
for coming all this way to perform Ike's
bris.
DOCTOR
Oh, my pleasure, Sheila. I brought the
normal cutting device, but then I remembered
that Ike was Canadian, so I brought
the right one . Where is the little
rug rat?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Right over here.
DOCTOR
Come 'ere, you!
IKE
Oowwww! Oh deh faminrr.
DOCTOR
Ike? Ike?
IKE
Heh cohcoh mondefern menurr.
DOCTOR
There you are. Come on Ike, it's time.
KYLE
You stay away from my little brother!
DOCTOR
Bu-bu-but son I just-
KYLE
You aren't gonna cut off his weewee.
Not today, you sick-ass weirdo!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, what are you talking about?!
KYLE
And you! You should be ashaned of yourself!
Don't you understand that us males are
defined by our firemen?!
CARTMAN
Yes. The fireman is very magical. If
you rub his helmet, he spits in your
eyes.
DOCTOR
Kyle. A-a circumcision is a very common
thing for Ike to have. His father had
it, his grandfather had it. And his
brother had it.
KYLE
No! No, it isn't true!
DOCTOR
We're not going to cut it off! We're
just goin' to snip it, so it looks bigger.
STAN
Oh, hey, that doesn't sound like a
bad idea!
CARTMAN
Heyeah, I want to get a circumstision,
too.
[The Betty Ford Clinic. Mr. Mackey and the social worker exit
the main building]
SOCIAL WORKER
Congratulations, Mr Mackey. You are
fully recovered.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I can't thank you enough for everything,
mkay? I feel like my old self again.
SOCIAL WORKER
Just one more thing. Remember that
you caaan stay sober.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I will, Ms. Social Worker. I will.
Mkay?
[Kyle's house. Everyone is gathered for the bris]
KYLE
It's okay, Ike. I'm here.
DOCTOR
And-a one and-a two and-a… bris .
IKE
Ouch. Amuhbuhbuhbuh. Cooka monsder.
KYLE
Ike, you're okay.
STAN
Whoa, dude, I guess having a bris isn't
all that bad.
KYLE
Yeah. You know, I've learned something
today. Family isn't about whose blood
you have, it's about who you care about.
STAN
Yeah.
KYLE
And that's why I feel like you guys
are more than just friends. You're my
family. Except for Cartman.
STAN
Naturally.
CARTMAN
Eah, screw you guys! I don't- wanna
be in your penis-choppin' family anyway!
[Monday morning, Mr. Garrison's class]
MR. GARRISON
And so now, children, your school counselor
is back, to tell you first-hand about
his nasty experience with drugs and
alcohol.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Okay, kids? Uh- you shouldn't do drugs,
nkay-drugs are bad. You see, I was at
the bottom of the barrel. I was a wreck;
why, I didn't even care about money.
I wasuh I was wasting my life.
CARTMAN
Hey, you guys wanna come to my bris
tomorrow?
STAN
You can't have your bris tomorrow, Cartman,
that's when I'm having mine.
CARTMAN
No way, I set up mine first, hippie!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Now boys, you need to listen up, onkay?
Wha- what I'm talkin' about might save
your life someday, mkay?
STAN
Uhkay, Mr. Mackey, umkay?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Onkay.
KYLE
Mkay?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Onkay.
CARTMAN
Okay?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Hmkay. Now, as I was sayin, uh- drugs
are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. Eh,
uh if you do them, you're bad. Because
drugs are bad. Mkay? It's a bad thing
to do drugs, soduh so don't be bad.
By doing drugs, unkay? That'd be bad.
Uh drugs are bad. Unkay?
THE END
|
