"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 501
"IT HITS THE FAN"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Morning, bus stop. Stan and Kyle wait for the bus, and Kyle
arrives]
KYLE
Hey you guys! Look what I have!
STAN
What?
KYLE
Four tickets to The Lion King on stage!
STAN, KENNY
...Oh.
KYLE
Aww, come on, you guys! It's supposed
to be really cool.
STAN
Yeah - no - I'd, it, it sounds really
cool.
CARTMAN
You goys!!! Hey you guys!!! Oh my God!!
Oh my God, you guys!!
KYLE
What, doughboy?!
CARTMAN
I was just- I was just watching the
TV! They had this commercial.
STAN
So?
CARTMAN
So, guess what they're gonna say tonight
on that show, Cop Drama.
KYLE
What?
Cartman No, come on! Guess! They're gonna say something that's
never been said on television.
KYLE
What?!
CARTMAN
You'll never guess.
STAN
What?!
CARTMAN
Guess.
KYLE
Goddamnit, Cartman! What are they gonna
say on Cop Drama?
CARTMAN
You ready? Tonight, on Cop Drama, on
TV, they're gonna say, "Shit."
KYLE
They're gonna say "shit" on television?
STAN
They can't say "shit" on television!
CARTMAN
It was just on the news! People are
freaking out, dude.
STAN
Holy fucking shit!
KENNY
(Dude! We've gotta watch!)
CARTMAN
Yeah. I'm gonna have people over to
my house to see it.
KYLE
Bu- but I got these tickets to see Lion
King on stage!
CARTMAN
Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle: I said
"shit!" On television!
KYLE
It's just a marketing ploy by the network.
Like that time they had the first male-to-male
kiss with Terrance and Phillip?
STAN
Aw, come, on dude! This is history.
KYLE
It's stupid!
CARTMAN
Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle.
What's the matter? You got some sand
in your vagina?
KYLE
No, I don't have sand in my vagina!
I just think it's a little immature
for us to be standing around talking
about one dumb word being on TV!
[Day, South Park Center for Seismic Activity, water cooler. Randy
Marsh and three others shoot the breeze there]
RANDY
Hey, uh, Sam, did you hear the news?
SAM
Yeah, they're gonna say "shit" on television.
COLLEAGUE 1
And we should all get together and
watch it at the bar.
COLLEAGUE 2
Yeaaahhh!
SAM
Yeah.
RANDY
Yeah.
COLLEAGUE 2
Hey, are you guys gonna let your kids
watch?
RANDY
Oh, sure, I mean, you know, Cop Drama
is a very artsy, dramatic show.
SAM
And they're gonna say "shit."
[Day, sidewalk. Butters is tagging TELE's as Kyle walks up to
him]
KYLE
Hey! Butters! I got tickets to go see
Lion King tonight, and I decided to
invite YOU before anybody else.
BUTTERS
Oh, sorry, I can't. They're gonna say
"shit" on Cop Drama, and my mom and
dad say I have to watch it with them
so that I don't take it the wrong way.
KYLE
How many ways are there to take it?!
It's just a stupid word!
MR. GARRISON
Hey everybody, it's on in thirty minutes!
[Night, the town bar. Many of the town's men, including Randy
and his coworkers, are inside watching "Cop Drama." The officers
in the show speak in hushed tones]
COP
Listen, Mitchell, I put my life on
the line every day. How dare you accuse
me!
MR. GARRISON
Oh, I bet this is it! Here it comes...
MITCHELL
I'm doing my job, Frank! We have to
know where that evidence was shipped!
JIMBO
Oh! Was that it? Was that it?!
RANDY
Shipped. He said "shipped."
FRANK
I told you, we don't have a record of
that. And besides, -
[Cut to Cartman's house, night. Cartman sits on the sofa with
Stan, Kyle and Kenny, and he's eating from a box of Cheesy Poofs]
FRANK
- your job is to protect the men who
serve this force.
CARTMAN
Goddamnit, when are they gonna say "shit"?!
STAN
Sshhh!
MITCHELL
Maybe... maybe protect them from you?
[Cut to Chef's house, bedroom. He and Principal Victoria watch
the show together in bed]
FRANK
Maybe you're forgetting who you're talking
to!
MITCHELL
Then maybe you're forgetting how I used
to be a cop, too!
[Cut to the Broflovski house, living room. Sheila and Sharon
are enjoying some popcorn as they view the show. Sheila is in
the arnchair]
FRANK
Yeah? You used to be a lot of things.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, he doesn't know Mitchell slept with
his wife, does he?
[Cut to the old folks home.]
MITCHELL
That's it, I've had enough of this.
FRANK
Don't you turn your back on me, you!
[Cut to New York's Times Square, in which a large crowd watches
the show from behind a N.Y.P.D. police line]
MITCHELL
I said, enough!
[Cut back to Cartman's house.]
FRANK
Will it... ever be enough?
ANNOUNCER
Cop Drama will return after these messages.
STAN
Jesus Christ! Another commercial? Are
they ever gonna say "shit?"
CARTMAN
I'm sure they're just holding it till
the very last scene.
STAN, KYLE
Eugh!
STAN
Where are you going, Kyle?
KYLE
I'm going to the kitchen! This is stupid!
STAN
But you're gonna miss it! The, they're
gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss
it!
KYLE
I don't really give a fuck!
STAN
Oh.
[The bar, later.]
MITCHELL
Just understand that it's my job. I
still think you're a good cop.
FRANK
Well, Mitchell. I guess you're goin'ta
do what you're gonna do. Let's just
try and stay friends no matter what.
MITCHELL
You're right. Maybe I'll ss-see you
around.
FRANK
Goodbye. Oh, and Mitchell? You... got
some shit on the side of your mouth
right there.
MITCHELL
Oh, yeah, that ole thing, yeah.
BAR PATRONS
...Wwooww!!!
[Cartman's house...]
THE BOYS
Whoa!!!
[Chef's bedroom...]
CHEF
Oh!!
[The old folks home...]
OLD FOLKS
Whoa!
[Times Square... the crowd there cheers]
[The bar...]
JIMBO
They did it!
[Cartman's house...]
STAN
I can't believe they actually said it.
CARTMAN
Dude! You missed it, Kyle! It was so
awesome!
KYLE
Well! I hope it lived up to all the
hype! You must feel sooo much better
now!
CARTMAN
Kyle, we've gotta get that sand out
of your vagina. It's making you cranky.
Does it itch?
KYLE
Do you really think anything's gonna
be any different now?! Do you really
think that this will have the tiniest,
smallest effect on the world? It's
still the same old world out there.
Look. What the hell?
CARTMAN
Whoa, dude, it's raining frogs.
KYLE
Oh, whatever.
[Channel 4 News]
ANCHOR TOM
Last night, the daring and bold show,
Cop Drama , broke new ground by saying
"SHIT" on television, making "shit"
officially okay to say around the country.
A recent poll shows that 24% of Americans
think the show has pushed the envelope
too far, while a whopping 76% say they
don't really give a shit. In other
news, a strange virus which causes victims
to vomit up their intestines is making
life shitty for a small farming community.
Rick Watts has the story.
RICK WATTS
Thanks, Tom. Shit is certainly going
down here in the small tow-
TOM
Whoa, shit!
[South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings]
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright, children, in lieu of the common
usage, I'm s'posed to clarify the school's
position on the word, "shit."
STAN
Wow! We can say "shit" in school now?!
KYLE
This is ridiculous! Just because they
say it on TV it's alright.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Yes, but only in the figurative noun
form or the adjective form
CARTMAN
Huh?
MS. CHOKSONDIK
You can only use it in the non-literal
sense. For instance, "That's a shitty
picture of me." is now fine. Hoever,
the literal noun form of "This is a
picture of shit." is still naughty.
CARTMAN
I don't get it.
STAN
Me neither.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
The adjective form is now also acceptable.
For example: "The weather outside is
shitty." However, the literal adjective
is NOT appropriate. For example: "My
bad diarrhea made the inside of the
toilet bowl shitty, and I had to clean
it with a rag, which then also became
shitty." That's right out!
TIMMY
Sshh...sshh... shit.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Very good, Timmy.
BUTTERS
Huh-uh, Ms. Choksondik, eh, can we
say it in the expletive? Like, "Oh,
shit," or, "shit on a shingle"?
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Yes, that's now fine.
CARTMAN
Wow, this is gonna be great! A whole
new word!
KYLE
It's NOT NEW!! I'm gonna look "shit"
up in the encyclopedia and PROVE it!!
CARTMAN
Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just
got a little sand in his vagina.
KYLE
THERE'S NO SAND IN MY VAGINA!!!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Boys, watch your language! Shit!
[Kindergarten, day]
MR. GARRISON
And so, children, instead of saying
"Hand in your papers," I may now say
"Hand in your shit." Any questions?
FILMORE
What about, "I have to take a shit"?
MR. GARRISON
NO! NO, Filmore! You can say "I have
to poop and shit," or "Oh, shit, I have
to poop," but NOT "I have to shit."
Are we all clear?
KINDERGARTNERS
No.
MR. GARRISON
Look, it's all about context. Well,
for example, recently, I have come out
and admitted that I was a homosexual.
I'm gay. That means that now I can say
the word, "fag." On television they
usually don't allow "fag." But because
I'm gay, it's alright. And with the
new approval of the word, "shit," that
means that finally I am free to say,
Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,
Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?
Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,
Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?
[pleased] Oh this is great!
[South Park, some days later. The town has taken to using the
S word, with S-themed stores and products all over the place.
Poeple proudly sport the word on their shirts. An elderly couple
walks out of Sh*t 'n Things and stop just outside the door]
ELDERLY WOMAN
Why that store has such lovely shit.
ELDERLY MAN
Yeah. Too bad I don't have shit for
cash right now.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh, looks like the weather might turn
shitty.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, I don't really give a shit. I've
done enough shit outside today and shit.
MAN
Shit, Peter, you look like shit.
PETER
Oh, shit, I feel like shit. I think
I to-
WOMAN 1
Holy shit!
WOMAN 2
Did you see that shit?
BARBARDY
What kind of shit is this?
MAN 1
That is some weird shit.
WOMAN 3
Susan, your shit's ready!
MAN 2
Hey, do you know where this shit goes?
MAN 3
Shit if I know.
WOMAN 4
Nice going, shit-for-brains.
[a high mountain is shown]
MAN 4
Old McDonald took a shit, E I E I O
MAN 5
No shit!
[seven knights are shown encased in ice. The smoke reaches them
and thaws them out. Music swells. They step forth and walk to
the edge of a cliff, looking out over all those towns and cities
spewing forth the filthy word. They draw their swords and raise
them high, and lightning strikes each of the swords]
[South Park, another day. Mr. Garrisn is walking down the street,
singing.]
MR. GARRISON
Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,
Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?
Hey, there,-
MAN 6
Oh, shit, 'scuse me.
MR. GARRISON
Hey, watch it, fag.
MAN 6
What did you call me?
MR. GARRISON
I called you a fag. Because I'm gay,
and that means I'm free to use the word
"fag." So piss off, you fag-shitter!
Heh, so hay there, shity shitty fag fag
Shitty shitty fag fag, kutuputupuh [walks past Stan and Cartman.
Cartman is sucking on a Popsicle]
STAN
This suck. Now that "shit"'s out, it
isn't fun to say it anymore.
CARTMAN
Yeah, they've taken all the fun out
of "shit." We're gonna have to start
saying other bad words, like cock and
fuck and... meecrob.
STAN
What's meecrob?
CARTMAN
You know, that stuff you get as a appetizer
at Thai food restaurants. "meecrob"
is way grosser than "shit," dude. I'd
scarf down a whole wet bucket fullof
shit before I ate another plate of meecrob.
KYLE
You guys! You guys! I've looked up the
word, "shit!" I think it might have
something to do with people dying!
STAN
What?
KYLE
Haven't you noticed everyone getting
sick? It all started when they said
"shit" on television.
CARTMAN
Oh, Kyle, you are so full of meecrob.
KYLE
I am not full of meekro- what? Look,
the word "shit" first showed up in English
in the 1340s, the same time as something
called, "the Black Death."
STAN
What's that?
CARTMAN
Kyle, do you still have sand in your
vagina about us not going to The Lion
King with you?! I mean, shit, dude,
let it go.
KYLE
Look! It might be a coincidence, but
I think we'd better ask someone. Come
on!
[Hollywood, day, the HBC building, home of "Terrance and Phillip."
The network president talks to his staff in a boardroom. They're
all smiles]
HBC PRESIDENT
...Seventy-five share. My God, I never
thought it was possible.
DIRECTOR 1
Sir, your "shit" idea has turned the
entire network around. We're proud to
work for you.
DIRECTOR 2
Sir, I'd just like to take this opportunity:
I'm sure I speak for all of us when
I say, you are the most creative genius
in Hollywood, and... well... I'd let
you have me if you wanted.
HBC PRESIDENT
Thanks, Roger, but I've only just started.
You see, I've already figured out our
new marketing scheme technique for the
next run of shows.
DIRECTOR 3
Whoa!
DIRECTOR 4
Wow, he's unstoppable!
DIRECTOR 1
What's the new idea?
DIRECTOR 3
I can hardly wait.
DIRECTOR 5
I'm about to piss myself!
HBC PRESIDENT
This Saturday... on HBC... we're going
to say... "shit" ...twice.
DIRECTOR 3
...Twice!
DIRECTOR 4
Brilliant!
DIRECTOR 6
Think of the repetition!
DIRECTOR 3
It's like saying it once... but double!
HBC PRESIDENT
Well gentlemen, let's get on it!
ALL
Ho!
[South Park Elementary, day. Chef is singing away in the kitchen,
serving up lunch for the kids.]
CHEF
Baby you are so fine, and shit!
The shit you do, the shit you say; I'd jump on your shit any
day!
[the boys walk in] Oh, hello there, children.
THE BOYS
Hey Chef.
KYLE
Chef, do you know where "shit" comes
from?
CHEF
Uh, from your ass, children.
KYLE
No no no! The word, "shit."
CHEF
Oooh.
CARTMAN
Detective Sandy Vagina here thinks
that "shit" might have something to
do with everyone getting sick
KYLE
Ungh, it said in my book that the word,
"shit," started the exact same time
as something called, "The Black Death."
CHEF
The Black Death? Are you sure?
STAN
What's the Black Death, Chef?
CHEF
LaToya Jackson, children.
THE BOYS
Oh.
CHEF
But I think back in those days it meant
something else: the plague!
[The Library, later. Chef reads from a large book on a large
table on the ground floor. To his left sit Stan and Kenny, to
his right Kyle and Cartman]
CHEF
It says here the word, "shit" has been
around for over 600 years. It comes
from the Anglo-Saxon word, "skite."
KYLE
Right. But in the 1340s people in England
stopped calling it "skite" and started
calling it "shit." The same year as
the Black Plague.
LIBRARIAN
This is the oldest book in the library.
A priceless original of England's history.
Just about everythign you could want
to know about the plague is in this
great tome. Oh, shit. Well, this other
book has some good information, too.
CHEF
The Black Plague. Over half of Europe
was killed by it.
STAN
Look, they're puking out their intestines,
just like the people here.
CHEF
Look at this, children. It says that
the people in England believed that
the plague was a curse, a dark magic
infliction brought on by a mass utterance
of a word of curse.
STAN
Word of curse?
KYLE
A c...curse word.
CHEF
Of course! I've never even thought about
why we use the term "curse word" before.
STAN
Because it brings a curse? Like the
Black Death.
CARTMAN
You guys, look here. In this Nancy
Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach
and gets sand trapped in her shoe. This...
could explain how Kyle got it in his
vagina.
KYLE
Cartman, this is serious!!!
CARTMAN
So am I, Kyle. If that sand in your
vagina doesn't get released, you could
become a walking time bomb.
LIBRARIAN
If you don't mind, I'll have to close
up now. They're going to say "shit"
seven times on HBC and I d-agh!
STAN
Holy shit!
CARTMAN
Oho, gross!
KYLE
Dude, this plague is spreading like
wildfire!
STAN
Uh oh.
KENNY
(Uh oh.)
CARTMAN
Kenny's got it. heh heh.
KYLE
We've gotta do something, Chef. If we
don't we don't stop that network, "shit"
will becvome an even more acceptable
word!
CHEF
Children, we've got to warn those producers
in Hollywood that the plague, and "shit,"
could be linked!
[An airplane, day. Chef and the boys are headed for Hollywood]
CAPTAIN
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, this is
your captain speaking. If you look out
the right side of the aircraft you can
see some interesting shit. And over
on the left side, there's some interesting
shit, too. Well, we should be arriving
in los Angeles in about two hours. Until
then we invite you to sit back, relax,
and enjoy our shitty service.
CARTMAN
Goddamnit, Kenny! Don't get your plague
germs on me!
KYLE
Cartman, stop being an asshole!
[HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, boardroom.]
DIRECTOR 5
Tha ratings are in, sir. We broke another
record last night with the show that
said "shit" seven times!
DIRECTOR 1
Where is the roof on this thing? I mean,
I mean, how can we top ourselves now?
HBC PRESIDENT
Gentlemen, I have it. The end-all greatest
marketing ploy of all time. Tonight,
on HBC, we will air all our sitcoms...
LIVE. And have everyone say "shit" in
place of their written lines. And we'll
call it "Must Shit TV."
DIRECTOR 1
Bravo!
DIRECTOR 2
"Night Of A Million Shits!"
HBC PRESIDENT
Now, doing this live will be difficult,
so we must-
CHEF
Hold on a minute, Mr. Producer!
HBC PRESIDENT
Who are you?
CHEF
My name is Chef, and these are the children!
We've come to warn you about "shit."
HBC PRESIDENT
Oh brother, another Christian protest
group
DIRECTOR 1
Who wants to take this one?
DIRECTOR 2
I'll get it. Gentlemen, we appreciate
your concern. Here at HBC the general
goal is providing the highest and most
thought-provoking netertainment. How
great it is that we live in a country
where an artist can express himself
freely. That's not only the American
spirit, it's the HBC spirit. Which allows
us to make great family programs like
Halo The Turtle, and of course, everyone's
favorite show, Cop Drama. We can't thank
you enough for bringing your concerns
to our network, for it is you, the loyal
HBC viewer, who makes this great network,
and indeed, the great country that it
is.
HBC PRESIDENT
Alright, now, as I was saying-
CHEF
Hey! Hold on a minute!
HBC PRESIDENT
Aw, are they stil here?
CHEF
Haven't you people noticed all the strange
things going on?
KYLE
We think that you might have could it
by helping make "shit" an everyday word.
DIRECTOR 4
Mhm, right, right.
KYLE
It's true. We think that word might
be plaguing our friend, Kenny.
HBC PRESIDENT
Do you have any proof of this?
KYLE
...Nnno
HBC PRESIDENT
Then get out of here before we have
you thrown out!
CARTMAN
But... we can keep the Halo the Turtle
dolls, right?
[HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, outside. Chef and the boys
exit the building.]
CHEF
Damn cracker-ass producers!
STAN
Now what are we gonna do, Chef?
CHEF
I don't know, children. I guess we've
got to get the word out to people some
other way.
LEAD KNIGHT
Aaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.
STAN
Oh shit!
LEAD KNIGHT
Stand aside!
[HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, boardroom.]
HBC PRESIDENT
Alright, now, we have to get all our
biggest names to say "shit," and then
we're gonna-
LEAD KNIGHT
Halt your evil plans!
EXECUTIVES
Huh?
LEAD KNIGHT
I possess the Rune Stone of Undoing!
Who is in charge here?
HBC PRESIDENT
Oh... nno, you guys didn't hire me
a stripper for my birthday-oooh, tell
me you guys didn't.
LEAD KNIGHT
Show your true form, Geldon, lest you
be afraid! Your short time in this world
is at an end! Awch. The Rune Stone
has no effect! You are not Geldon!
HBC PRESIDENT
I never said I was.
LEAD KNIGHT
You will die anyway, for you have spread
the word of curse!
HBC PRESIDENT
Security!
LEAD KNIGHT
Waaarrgh!
[HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, outside. Chef and the boys
approach the fallen knight.]
CHEF
Who are you?
LEAD KNIGHT
Take this.
STAN
What are we supposed to do with it?
LEAD KNIGHT
Eeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
KYLE
Now what?
CHEF
We've got to find people who would know
what the hell this is all about. Children,
we're goin'ta have to go to the land
of castles, knights, and kings!
[Las Vegas, sunset, a view of the Strip, showing many of the
attractions that can be found there.]
ANNOUNCER
Lords and Ladies, we bid you welcome
to the grandest casino in the land,
Excalibur!
BARKER
Take a free spin. Double your odds.
CHEF
'Scuse me. Do you work here?
BARKER
How can I help you, noble sir?
KYLE
We need some help identifying an ancient
English stone.
BARKER
A what?
STAN
It might hold the key to a curse.
BARKER
Uh... I can help get you some credit
or a comp meal, perhaps.
STAN
Dude, we need help from the British!
BARKER
Lluhook kid, Thihis is just a casino.
I can't help you. You know, not every
British person knows about wizards
and dragons and curses.
CHEF
We just need help identifying this.
BARKER
The Rune Stome of Gaelic! Where did
you get this?
STAN
You know what it is?
BARKER
The Skyre once spoke of such a stone!
Come, we must see the sorcerer!
[South Park, bar, night. The men are gathered there once again]
ANNOUNCER
Get ready for "Must Shit TV!" Starting
now, four straight hours of pure shit!
It's all live!
[On the set of the Drew Carey show. Drew and Mimi are onstage,
with Drew sitting at his desk]
DREW
Hey! Hm, heh, shit! Heh. Ya ain't shit.
MIMI
Hyeh. Dude, ya ain't shit!
HBC PRESIDENT
This is it. My greatest work.
[Excalibur, inside. The barker leads Chef and the boys down a
hall and run into a waitress dressed as a damsel]
WAITRESS
Cocktails. Cocktails.
BARKER
There Americans wish to see the Skyre!
WAITRESS
Let us make haste to the inner sanctum!
[Excalibur, the hallway to the Inner Sanctum. The barker and
waitress lead Chef and the boys through]
BARKER
How could you foolish Americans bring
the wrath of scorn by mass-chanting
the word of wretchedness?!
CHEF
Aah, yeah. We didn't mean to.
BARKER
Didn't you realize "shit" is a curse
word?!
STAN
Well, yeah, but I don't think that "curse
word" meant... curse word.
BARKER
Ha! Leave it to American to think that
"no" means yes, "pissed" means angry,
and "curse word" means something other
than a word that's cursed!!
[The Inner Sanctum. The group enters and walks towards the sorcerer]
SORCERER
Let me see the stone.
CHEF
But I don't get it. People use curse
words all the time.
BARKER
Saying a word of curse once in a while
does nothing. It's only when spoken
repeatedly and en masse that the curse
takes place.
SORCERER
Uhuh-I've seen this before. Stones
that were used by the Knights of Standards
and Practices.
CHEF
Knights of Standards and Practices?
SORCERER
A legion of men sworn to do whatever
necessary to keep the words at bay.
But... they were just a myth.
[South Park, bar, night. The men watch the Drew Carey Show]
MIMI
You know what? You're dumb as shit!
DREW
Oh yeah?! Well, I don't really give
a shit!
RANDY
Ng-aah, that word's kind of getting
old. It's not really... funny anymore.
MAN 7
Yeah, they're gonna have to come up
with a new swear word now.
MR. GARRISON
Well, they can't use "fag." Because
you can't say "fag" unless you're a
homosexual.
RANDY
Really? So we can't say __g?
MR. GARRISON
No. See, you got beeped.
MAN 7
You mean you have to be a __g to say
__g?
MR. GARRISON
That's right.
JIMBO
Hell, that's not fair! I should be able
to say "fag."
RANDY
...Hey, you didn't get beeped.
JIMBO
Uh oh.
MR. GARRISON
Well well well! Guess we learned something
new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag!
You wanna make out or something?
DREW
Aw, man, I am up shit creek.
[On the set of the Drew Carey show. The door to stage C opens
and in gallop the knights with swords drawn]
MIMI
Serves you right, shit-for-brains!
DREW
Yeah, how could I be such a dumb...sh-
LEAD KNIGHT
Say not the word of curse!
HBC PRESIDENT
What the?
MIMI
Holy shit!
[South Park, bar, night. The men watch the Drew Carey Show]
MR. GARRISON
Oh boy, this show is really reaching
for plot now!
[Excalibur, the Inner Sanctum. The Sorcerer continues with the
mythology of the knights]
SORCERER
The knights were formed to keep curse
words to a minimum. Should a curse word
ever be let out, they would return.
A rune for each word of curse was made,
representing each of the eight words
that so offended God...
STAN
Look, there's the F-word.
KYLE
And asshole.
CARTMAN
I knew it! Meecrob! Meecrob is a curse
word! God must hate it as much as I
do!
SORCERER
Look at this: The writing here claims
this stone can defeat the evil geldon
, who will rise when the word of curse
has been said enough times to give him
power. Then all the world will be destroyed.
STAN
All the world destroyed?
CARTMAN
My house, too?
CHEF
Oh no!
SORCERER
What?
CHEF
Tonight is the "Night of a Million Shits"
on HBC! It's gonna be said over and
over!
SORCERER
Then we haven't much time. We must go!
[On the set of the Drew Carey show. The blond knight approaches
the cameraman]
BLOND KNIGHT
Turn off those devices of broadcast!
HBC PRESIDENT
What is coing on here?! Stop this shit!
BLOND KNIGHT
We are the Royal Order of Standards
and Practices!
BLAD KNIGHT
We command you to stop saying the curse
word!
HBC PRESIDENT
Listen, Mr. Shinypants, I am the head
of this network, and I will say "shit"
all I want! Shit, shit, shit shit shit,
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
shit shit shit, , shit shit shit shit
shit shit shit shit shit shit!
Oh, shit!
[South Park, bar, night. The TV screen is show, with the HBC
logo]
ANNOUNCER
And now, back to Must Shit TV, here
on HBC.
[On the set of the Drew Carey show. The terror continues - the
knights fight the geldon valiantly]
LEAD KNIGHT
He is too strong! We cannot fight him
without the rune stone!
DIRECTOR 1
My, my GOD, sir! What have you unleashed
upon the world?!
HBC PRESIDENT
I didn't know. I DIDN'T KNOW!!!
[South Park, bar, night. The men watch in increasing disbelief]
RANDY
I, I can't follow this shitty storyline
at all.
[On the set of the Drew Carey show. The terror continues, but
Chef and the boys arrive]
KYLE
Wait!
CARTMAN
Oh boy, that thing has really got sand
in its vagina!
LEAD KNIGHT
The rune stone! Point it towards Geldon!
GELDON
Agh. Dude, lame. Lame! Sorry, dudes.
CARTMAN
What a stupid voice.
KYLE
It's okay. The curse has been lifted.
STAN
Yeah. We all gotta make sure it doesn't
come back.
KYLE
You see, we've learned something today.
Swearing can be fun, but doing it all
the time causes a lot of problems.
[Cut to Kyle's home, where he's on TV]
KYLE
We're all saying the S-word too much!
IKE
Kyle.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Look, Gerald. Kyle's on television!
KYLE'S FATHER
Uh huh.
[Cut to the old folks' home]
KYLE
The knights of Standards and Practices
were created to make sure that bad words
were kept to a minimum. "Curse words"
They're called that because they are
a curse. We have to go back to only
using curse words in rare, extreme circumstances.
STAN
And besides, too much use of a dirty
word takes away from its... impact.
We believe in free speech and all that,
but... keeping a few words taboo just
adds to the fun of English.
CARTMAN
So please, everyone, From now on you've
got to try and watch your language.
[South Park, bar, night. The men think over the boys' message]
THE MEN
Yeah.
RANDY
That makes sense.
COLLEAGUE 1
Ain't that right?
MR. GARRISON
Is this still part of the show?
[On the set of the Drew Carey show. The place is calm now]
HBC PRESIDENT
We're sorry, noble knights of Standards
and Pracrices, from now on, we will
obey your laws.
BLOND KNIGHT
See that you do!
CHEF
I'm very proud of you, children. Let's
all go home and find a nice white woman
to make love to.
STAN
Yeah! And Kenny didn't die!
KENNY
(Yeah, I didn't- Goddamnit! Aargh!)
STAN
Holy shi- poo.
CARTMAN
Hah, I love you guys.
THE END
|
