"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 601
"JARED HAS AIDES"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Cartman's hosue, living room, day. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle are
on the sofa laughing as Cartman does some prank calls]
CARTMAN
Shu- shut up you gurs, shut up you
guys.
CITY WOK OWNER
Herro, Shitty Wok, take your order prease.
CARTMAN
Hello, is this City Wok?
CITY WOK OWNER
Yes, this Shitty Wok.
CARTMAN
Uh, yes, we'd like one order of the
City Beef.
CITY WOK OWNER
Shitty Beef...
KYLE
Aha, and I'll have the City Chicken.
CITY WOK OWNER
Shitty Chicken...
STAN
Oh, dude, look! It's that commercial
with the guy that lost 400 pounds eating
at Subway Sandwiches!
[Commercial. The first thing on the screen is a submarine sandwich.
It pans across the screen. ]
SINGER
He's still lookin' good!
[a man appears eating a footlong subway sandwich. The name "JARED
VOGLE" appears on the screen near the bottom]
His name is Jared
[he struts down a sidewalk. "LOST 262 LBS." appears on the screen]
His name is Jared and he likes to eat the sandwiches...
[a side shot of Jared walking smoothly behind a white picket
fence in Downtown, then of slices of a party sub, then of the
first sandwich]
[Cartman living room. Butters walks in]
BUTTERS
Uh hey, fellas.
STAN
Hey Kenny
BUTTERS
Now gosh darnit, my name's not Kenny!
Kenny's dead, and you're all gonna have
to learn to deal with it!
KYLE
Okay, Not-Kenny.
[Commercial continues]
ANNOUNCER
Hey South Park! You can meet Jared
IN PERSON March 6th at the Kenny McCormick
Memorial Town Square!
BUTTERS
Woh, boy! Jared's comin' to town!
KYLE
Dude! That's today!
STAN
We've gotta get down there! Come on,
Not-Kenny!
BUTTERS
Now gosh darnit, my name's not Not-Kenny!
CARTMAN
Okay, come on, Not-Not-Kenny.
BUTTERS
Wo-ah I'm getting steamed now.
CITY WOK OWNER
Hello! City Wok! City Wok I take your
order prease!
[Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square, moments later. A crowd
is in front of the stage waiting for Jared, with people holding
up signs saying "We Love Jared" "We Love You Jared!!" "Jared
for President", etc. The boys walk up to Mr. Garrison. Kyle taps
him.]
KYLE
Excuse me. Could we get through here?
MR. GARRISON
Hell no! I've been savin' this spot
for six hours!
His name is Garrison, Mr. Garrison. He lost ten pounds takin'
Jared's lead-
RANDY
Here he comes!
SINGER
He's still lookin' good, with all those...
sub sandwiches...
JARED
Thank you all so much. You know what?
After a year of eating delicious sub
sandwiches, I've proven weight loss
is easy! And I promise you, I will
always be your faithful leader in easy
weight loss!
SOME MEN
Alright!!
CARTMAN
That guy ate all the sandwiches he wanted
and lost weight. He is sooo cool.
[South Park, later. A knock is heard and a door opens. Jared
is seen eating a sub at a desk. A worker peaks in]
WORKER
Mr. Vogle, some fans wanted to see if
you'd sign their sandwich?
JARED
Sure, let 'em in. Hi kids.
BUTTERS
Wow, Jared!
KYLE
Dude! Did you really lose all that weight
eating nothing but sub sandwiches?
JARED
I sure did! And- Well- Well I, I also
had a little help on the side.
STAN
What kind of help?
JARED
Well, eating sub sandwiches was a big
part of it. But the way that I lost
so much weight was that I got aides.
CARTMAN
Eh, AIDS?
JARED
That's right. I got aides about two
years ago and I've been losing weight
ever since. It's amazing how slim you
can get with aides.
STAN
I'll bet you can.
JARED
Would you like to meet them?
KYLE
Them?
JARED
My aides. Scott, Tyler! Scott is my
personal trainer and Tyler is my dietician.
SCOTT, TYLER
Hello.
KYLE
Oh, "a i d E s" aides.
JARED
Yep. Hooray for aides!
KYLE
Well, that's not really what you say
in the commercial.
JARED
I know. You kinda have to read the fine
print at the bottom of the screen. It
says I only ate a half-sized lean turkey
sandwich with no mustard or mayo or
anything like that and then had proper
diet and exercise aides.
KYLE
But you're lying to people. If they
knew that you didn't eat just all the
sandwiches you want, you might not be
so popular.
JARED
You, you think so. Well, why... should
it matter?
KYLE
It matters, dude.
JARED
Hmmm.
[Main Street, moments later. The boys walk along...]
KYLE
That penisbutt didn't lose weight eating
sub sandwiches. He lost weight because
he ate less of them and exercised.
STAN
Yeah, it's only in America that somebody
can become famous just because they
go from being a big fatass to not being
a big fatass.
CARTMAN
Ohmigod! You guys! I think I'm having
a genius moment. Yes. Yes! Its coming
to me now.
KYLE
That that's diarrhea.
CARTMAN
Noo. Don't you see what this all means?
Anybody could do what he did. What's
to stop someone else from going to say,
City Wok, and cutting a deal with them?
Say they'll eat nothing but their Chinese
food, but then eat only a little tiny
bit of it and exercise.
STAN
Then City Wok could say their food
makes them lose weight.
CARTMAN
That's right Stan. It's a cash cow
I tell you.
KYLE
That's a great idea!
CARTMAN
Lose weight and make money. I tell you
this is gonna be the greatest thing
that Butters has ever done.
BUTTERS
Meee???
CARTMAN
Weh- who do you think I'm talkin' about,
Butters? Joyce de Witt?
BUTTERS
Oh, no, I thought you meant you. Eh
you're the fat one.
CARTMAN
I can't lose weight, Butters, 'cause
I'm not fat. I'm big-boned. You can't
slim down bones, stupid!
KYLE
But Butters isn't fat.
CARTMAN
That's my whole point. First we fatten
him up, then we make the deal with City
Wok, then take the weight back off.
STAN
He's right. If Butters is naturally
skinny, he'll be able to take the weight
off faster.
BUTTERS
Buut fellas, if I get fat my parents
will ground me.
CARTMAN
Oh come on! Just think about how famous
you'll be!
BUTTERS
You mean like Jared?
KYLE
Yeah dude! You'll be just like Jared!
BUTTERS
Well the heck with that! You said Jared
was a penisbutt!
STAN
You wouldn't be a penisbutt, Butters,
you'd be famous. Just think about all
those people following you around, singing
songs to you just because you lost some
weight...
His name is Butters, it's Butters. [the boys begin to sway for
each line]
CARTMAN
He used to be fat but not no more
KYLE
City Wok brought him down to a size
4.
STAN
Now he's got lots of moneys and girls
CARTMAN
and a lifetime of free food at City
Wok.
BUTTERS
Wow
[Le Place Restaurant, night. Jared is dining with a woman inside]
JARED
Christine, you know I love you very
much, and I, I can't wait for the wedding.
CHRISTINE
I love you too, Jared. You've changed
my whole life.
Her name is Jonez, Christine Jonez
She lost forty pounds when she met Jared, and-
JARED
Yeh, I know I know, I know. But uh...
some young boys were talkin' to me earlier,
and... it made me think that people
might not be so proud of my weight loss
if they knew something.
CHRISTINE
Jared, what's this all about?
JARED
Uh Christine, this isn't probably gonna
matter to you at all, but... I have
aides.
CHRISTINE
Uhwwwhat???
JARED
Yeah, I have aides. I've had aides since
before we were together. What, what
are you thinking? Are you bummed?
CHRISTINE
Am I bummed?! You've had AIDS all this
time and you knew it?!
JARED
Well of course I knew it.
CHRISTINE
Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?!
JARED
I didn't think it was that big of a
deal.
CHRISTINE
Not that big of a deal?! I slept with
you!
JARED
Aren't you overreacting a little bit?
CHRISTINE
Well Jesus Christ! We're supposed to
get married!
JARED
We can still get married Christine,
I mean, sure, they're my aides now,
but after we get married... they'll
be our aides You'll love having aides,
Christine, you really will. And when
we have children, they'll have aides.
It'll make things so simple! Christine!
Jeez, those boys were right. People
really don't like aides. I'd better
tell everyone the truth.
[South Park Elementary, next day. The boys enter the kitchen
to get their meals.]
CHEF
Hello there, children.
KYLE
Chef, we need Butters to gain about
fifty pounds fast.
CHEF
Fifty pounds? Why?
CARTMAN
Uuh, school project.
CHEF
Well, if you want him to get really
fat as fast as possible, one of you
will have to marry him.
STAN
Marry him?
CHEF
It definitely worked for every woman
I ever met.
BUTTERS
Oh no no no! I ain't gettin' married;
my parents will ground me!
KYLE
Yeah, none of us wanna marry Butters.
BUTTERS
Well uh how come? What's wrong with
me?
CHEF
Well, I guess we're gonna have to do
this the old-fashioned way. Come on
back, children.
[The kitchen, food preparation area. The camera pans across the
table showing pots, pans, and dishes with food all over the place.
It rests on Butters trying to finish off a plate, but struggling.]
BUTTERS
Ugh. Wuh. Wuh I can't eat no more.
KYLE
You have to! Here, have some more mayonnaise.
STAN
Chef, we need more food.
CHEF
I'm runnin' out, children.
CARTMAN
Damnit Butters! Keep eating or I'll
kick you till you're deader than Kenny!
STAN
Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't
joke about Kenny being dead. Enough
time hasn't passed.
CARTMAN
So how long until we can joke about
it?
KYLE
Twenty-two point three years. That's
how long it takes for something tragic
to become funny.
CARTMAN
Woogh, that's a long time to wait.
BUTTERS
Wull I can't eat no more. I-I just keep
pukin' it up.
CARTMAN
Then eat your puke.
BUTTERS
NO!!
CARTMAN
Oh come on! Japanese girls do it.
[Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square, later.]
MAN 1
He's going to speak with us once again!
SINGER
He's still lookin' good, eatin' them
sandwiches all the time...
JARED
Thank you-hoo, thank you all. Subway's
is a healthy way to eat fast food and
lose weight!
JARED
But, I feel like I need to come a little
clean about something, uh-... it wasn't
...just Subway sandwiches that made
me thin.
JARED
The reason I was able to lose so much
weight so quickly was that I got aides.
MAN 2
Huh?
MAN 3
What?
MAN 4
Did he say AIDS?
JARED
But I still wanna be the leader in a
fitter America, and so I'm here to tell
you, that you should ALL go out and
get aides!
MAN 2
Oh my God!
A WOMAN
Is he serious?
JARED
Having aides - is - awesome! With aides
you can literally watch the fat melt
away! And with the proper mix of aides
and Subway sandwiches, anything is possible!
[Cartman's living room, some days later. Stan is measuring Butters'
girth and grins at the result. Camera zooms out]
KYLE
Wow! He looks great!
STAN
How do you feel, Butters?
BUTTERS
W-well, k-kinda like Cartman. Ow!
CARTMAN
Get a hold of yourself, man!
STAN
Alright, now it's time for phase 2.
[City Wok, moments later. The boys walk towards it and enter.
The owner greets them]
CITY WOK OWNER
Wercome to Shitty Wok. You rike to try
Shitty Chicken today?
CARTMAN
Sir, we have come to offer you the business
deal of a lifetime.
CITY WOK OWNER
You want the Shitty Beef?
KYLE
Nope. We wanna show the world how healthy
your food is. Our fat friend here is
going to lose forty pounds eating at
Shitty Wok.
CITY WOK OWNER
Which one? I see two fat friends.
CARTMAN
The fat one!
STAN
We're gonna take before and after photos,
and then, when he gets skinny from eating
your food, we'll show the world.
CITY WOK OWNER
...Why?
KYLE
Because then you can pay us to use our
friend in commercials.
CITY WOK OWNER
Oh! You mean like-a Jared!
CARTMAN
Just like Jared.
CITY WOK OWNER
His name is Jared, he lose some weight.
Shitty Wok food sure sells great. Yeah,
okay. That sound good. Saw if he lose
weight eating Shitty Wok, I pay use
to use him in commercial.
THE BOYS
All right!
CARTMAN
Sir, we are in business!
[Subway company boardroom, day. Jared has been called in to see
the board]
JARED
Well, I appreciate your company doing
everything it's done for me.
SUBWAY REP 2
Yes, well, it is now the opinion of
all of us that perhaps it would be best
for you to take your... strange theories
on weight loss elsewhere.
JARED
...'Scuse me ...am I being fired?
SUBWAY REP 3
Jared, it's just that your new take
on weight loss is contrary to our commetment
to good health.
JARED
How so?
JARED
Ah hah.
SINGER 2
His name is Jared. Jared lost weight
eating Subway and ... sandwiches of
[Flex Gym Fitness Club, day]
CARTMAN
Come on, Butters, you gotta get skinny
again! You are such a flabby hunk of
crap!! Look at those jelly rolls!! Jelly
rolls I tell ya!! You still got seven
chins, boah!! You'll never be thin!!
Nobody loves you!!
BUTTERS
Wuh hey now, they do too! Uh, my mom
and dad - love me even if I am fat.
CARTMAN
Butters, I'm just trying to offer some
motivational help here.
BUTTERS
Well alright then.
CARTMAN
ROW you fat bitch!! Look at those jelly
rolls!! Nobody loves you!! You're not
even a person!!
[Jared's dressing room, day. Jared paces the room eating a sub
sandwich]
JARED
I never asked to be famous; now everyone
hates me! I almost wish I had never
gotten aides!
TYLER
Hey now, come on. What kind of talk
is that?
JARED
I'm sorry, guys, but I...I think I wanna
be aides-free for a while.
SCOTT
Come on, Jared, lighten up! People don't
hate you.
TYLER
Yeah. Maybe they're all just jealous
that they can't afford to hire their
own aides.
JARED
Wait a minute... you're right! Yeah!
I think I know how to be a celebrity
again!
[City Wok, outside, later. Cartman and Kyle wait on Stan as he
arrives]
STAN
Did you bring the camera?
KYLE
Yeah, we're all set.
CARTMAN
Guys, I think this might be a good
time to discuss some business.
KYLE
Well what do you mean?
CARTMAN
Well, when City Wok sees how skinny
Butters is, they're not gonna want him
to just make one commercial, they're
gonna want several.
STAN
That's true. Jared did like a hundred
for Subway Sandwiches.
CARTMAN
I think we're looking at a non-exclusive
two-year fifty-picture deal here. My
calculations put that at about four
million dollars.
KYLE
Wow.
CARTMAN
Now, I think the four million should
be split evenly among the three of us,
except that I should get a twenty percent
pernegation fee off the gross for having
come up with the idea.
BUTTERS
Hey fellas.
STAN
Butters?? What the hell are you doing??
KYLE
Yeah, you're still fat!
BUTTERS
Well, I know, ah I can't seem to lose
it.
CARTMAN
Well we're supposed to shoot yoru commercial
today, you fat piece of crap!
BUTTERS
Well ah I don't know what to tell ya.
Losin' weight is harder than puttin'
it on.
CARTMAN
No it isn't, stupid blubberbutt!!
STAN
Did you eat only once ounce of City
Wok like we told you??
BUTTERS
Well uhyeah, but ah, I don't know...
KYLE
Why are you doing this to us?
[Butters' house, later. The boys have prepared a makeshift operating
table on the coffee table in the livingn room. Kyle reads from
a medical book, Cartman has a suction tube and pail, and Stan
is overseeing the operation]
STAN
All prepared for liposuction surgery?
CARTMAN
Check.
BUTTERS
Uh, I don't know about this, fellas.
STAN
Hey, you're the one who screwed us
by not losing weight, Butters.
KYLE
Okay, it says here the operation begins
with a one-inch incision in the ab-do-men
on the left side just above the hip.
CARTMAN
That should blah ah here.
BUTTERS
Woahhh!
CARTMAN
Oh stop your bitchin' Butters! Kenny
woulda took it like a man!
KYLE
Okay, now put one end of the tube a
half an inch into the incision.
CARTMAN
Alrighty.
BUTTERS
Whoa. I think this is a bad idea, fellas.
I feel woozy.
CARTMAN
Alright, I think it's in.
KYLE
The liposuction is a process of siphoning
out the excess fat.
CARTMAN
Bohogh, egh.
BUTTERS
Waaaahh.
CARTMAN
There it goes.
KYLE
Alright, it's working!
CARTMAN
Aw man, it tastes like that, um, you
know that cream-chipped-beef stuff that
Chef makes sometimes.
BUTTERS
Aahh heh ahh, I don't feel very good.
STAN
Shut up, Butters, it's your own damned
fault.
BUTTERS
Everything's getting dark...
STAN
We've gotta hurry this up.
CARTMAN
Oh yeah, keep doing that. That's working
good.
STAN
He's losing weight.
CARTMAN
Oh, whoa. Whoa!
KYLE
It's out of control!
BUTTERS
Whoa, everything's getting sparkly.
STAN
Oh no, dude, Butters' parents are home.
CARTMAN
Oh, crap!
STAN
Dude, bail!
LINDA
Butters? BUTTERS??
BUTTERS
Mom. Dad.
CHRIS
Butters. Are you having liposuction
surgery? Tell me the truth!
BUTTERS
Yes sir.
LINDA
This is unbelievable! How many times
have we told you not to have self-performed
liposuction surgery in our house?!
BUTTERS
Four times, mom.
CHRIS
Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You
get up to your room right now, mister!
BUTTERS
Yes, sir.
CHRIS
Oh huh don't you give us that look young
man! You're gonna get it!
[News 4 News, day. A field reporter stands in front of the Mayor's
office. The mayor and her aides are present]
REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing out in front of the
Mayor's office, where the big liar,
Jared, is once again about to speak.
Apparently, Jared hopes to regain his
celebrity hero status, which was lost
when he announced that it was AIDS,
not sub sandwiches, that caused him
to lose weight. Let's listen in.
[The podium. Jared stands behind it]
JARED
Ladies and gentlemen, a- at first I
didn't understand why you felt betrayed
by the fact that my aides helped me
to lose weight, but now I understand
that it isn't fair that- I had aides
and most of you don't. And so, with
all the money I've made from commercials,
I have decided to start the Aides for
Everyone Foundation!
JIMBO
What??
JARED
I am going to personally see to it that
each and every one of you gets aides!
MAYOR MCDANIELS
This guys' insane.
JARED
But I won't stup there. I'm gonna seek
out all the underprivileged and hungry
children of the world, and I'm giong
to give them aides myself!
CHEF
You're gonna give children AIDS?!
JARED
Yes, it is my hope that every beautiful
child on this earth has aides by next
month! Aides for everyone!!
SKEETER
Get him!
[Butters' house, some days later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman show
up at the front door, and Cartman rings the bell]
STAN
Come on, Butters. Time to go.
BUTTERS
Uh go where?
KYLE
To City Wok so we can make our money.
God!
BUTTERS
I can't go anywhere, fellas. I've been
grounded for havin' lipo-suction...
surgery.
STAN
What?
BUTTERS
Wuh well I told you my parents would
be sore, and they said for... havin'
liposuction surgery, I can't play outside
for five days.
CARTMAN
Dude, we just need you to come down
to City Wok real quick so they can see
how skinny you are!
BUTTERS
Well you guys have already got me in
dutch for gettin' fat, and then I got
in double-dutch for... havin' liposuction,
and now you're askin' me to be in triple
dutch?! Huh uh! I'll never be that
dutch!
STAN
...Kenny would have done it.
KYLE
Yup.
CARTMAN
Do you guys remember what a cool friend
Kenny was? God. He was always up for
helpin' us out; man, he was the best
friend ever.
BUTTERS
Look, fellas, I can't do it! My mom
and dad call in every hour from work
to make sure I am here. If I don't answer
the ph-phone, it'll tell 'em I'm up
to no good!
CARTMAN
Alright alright, I'll stay here and
answer the phone for you.
BUTTERS
No- but you don't sound like me.
CARTMAN
Well you don't sound like me. My name
is Butters and I'm a little pussy who
won't halp his friends make money.
KYLE
Wow, that was pretty good.
STAN
Alright, it's settled.Come on, Butters.
CARTMAN
Don't forget, a third of that four million
dollars is mine!
[Stotch living room, inside. Cartman moves to the sofa]
CARTMAN
Eh. Eh. Yeah. Well hello?
CHRIS
I'm just checkig in on you, Butters.
Heh- Do I hear the television? We told
you no television while you're grounded!
CARTMAN
Oh, gee whiz, I'm not.. uhwatchin' television,
Dad, I'm just... layin' around jackin'
it.
CHRIS
Jacking it? Jacking what?
CARTMAN
Well my hot spicy boner, of course,
Dad.
CHRIS
What?! Are you trying to get yourself
in more trouble with that kind of language?!
CARTMAN
Well ah, loosen up, you vaginal belch.
CHRIS
Oh!! You are gonna get it, mister!!
You just wait till I get home!1
CARTMAN
Bring it on, queer bait. Aaaahhhh,
yes!
[Day, somewhere. Jared has a bat and is beating the hell out
of something...]
JARED
...I tell my girlfriend I have aides
and she leaves, I tell the world to
get aides and they think I'm crazy,
I offer to give aides to kids and everyone
wants me dead! What's wrong with
aides?! Why doesn't anyone want me to
give them aides?!
MR. GARRISON
There he is, beatin' that dead horse!
MAN IN CROWD
Alright!
JIMBO
Let's get him!
JARED
Aahhh!!
[City Wok. Stan, Kyle, and Butters arrive and enter]
CITY WOK OWNER
Welcome t'Shitty Wok. Take your order
prease.
KYLE
We have great news! Our friend has lost
forty pounds eating your City Wok food.
Here's the before and after photos.
CITY WOK OWNER
He lose weight eating Shitty Wok?
STAN
That's right! So now you can pay us
to use him in your commercials and you'll
have your very own Jared!
CITY WOK OWNER
Oh no, no way! I not putting no Jared
in my Shitty Wok commercial
KYLE
Uh why not?
CITY WOK OWNER
Don't you know? Everybody hate Jared.
He want everyone in world to havd AIDS.
He sick in the head.
STAN
What??
CITY WOK OWNER
I don't want Shitty Wok have nothing
to do with Jared land his AIDS.
STAN
Wait. Everyone hates Jared now?
CITY WOK OWNER
Yah they, they gonna kill him. They
gonna kill Jared downtown right now.
STAN
Awgh, come on guys, we gotta sort this
out.
[Butters' house, living room. Cartman has eaten quite a bit of
food (soda, milk, candy, Cheesy Poofs) and is watching TV - a
Terrance & Phillip episode. Only their voices are heard]
PHILLIP
Here's a man's fart for ya.
TERRANCE
God no! Oh, Phillip, your anthrax has
given me colon cancer!
CARTMAN
Hello?
LINDA
Butters, your father called and said
you made him very upset!
CARTMAN
Yeah, well, Dad's being a little pussy,
Mom.
LINDA
Butters, where did you get that kind
of smart mouth?!
CARTMAN
Uh not from you dumbasses, that's for
sure.
LINDA
Oh, you just weit till I get home, mister!!
CARTMAN
Oh, I'll be waiting with horse bells
on, you old... horse-bangin' skank.
Hah.
TERRANCE
Ey! There's some anthrax over there!
PHILLIP
Oh no, hahahahahahaha.
[Downtown, Mayor's office, outside, day. The corwd has captured
Jared and taken him back downtown. A gallows is set up and Jared
has had the noose placed around his neck. Two men finish and
walk off. The Mayor stands off to one side with her aides.]
JARED
Why did I ever do those stupid commercials?
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Alright, Jared, you sick pervert! Do
you have anything to say before you
die??
KYLE
Wait! You're all making a mistake!
CHEF
Stand back, children! Jared wants to
give you AIDS!
STAN
No, you don't understand. Jared doesn't
have "AIDS" aids, he has assistants.
Two guys that help him lose weight that
he calls his aides.
PEOPLE IN CROWD
Oh.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
You mean, Jared's aides are like my
aides?
JARED
Yes. ...Y-you mean you all thought...?
Oh my Gosh!
SKEETER
Oh boy, do I feel stupid.
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh we're so sorry, Jared
JARED
No no, hey it was my fault. I can't
believe I I, I didn't think of what
I was saying!
CHEF
Eh so he was saying, children should
have help like he had!
RANDY
Yeah! That has got to be about the biggest
misunderstanding EVER!!
JARED
Oh my God! I told my girlfriend I wanted
her to share my "AIDS" - oh, no wonder
she left!
MR. GARRISON
Cuh-can you imagine what we thought
when you said, "Aides for Everyone Foundation"?
JARED
Oh, brother!
SKEETER
Aha- ...Hey. We're all laughing.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh hey, yeah. We, we woulda never laughed
about this before.
RANDY
Well don't you see what this means?
It's been 22.3 years, so... AIDS is
finally funny!
PEOPLE IN CROWD
Ooohhh.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
He's right. It happened!
JIMBO
Hey everybody! AIDS is finally funny!
PEOPLE IN CROWD
Alright! Yay! Woohoo! Hooray!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I knew it would be funny someday! AIDS!
MR. GARRISON
Then it's time! We can undo the banner!
[Cut to Times Square, where the crawl reads "3-06-02 AIDS HAS
BEEN OFFICIALLY DECLARED FUNNY"]
NEW YORKER
Hooray!
[Cut to Mayor's office, outside. Everyone now has party hats
on and are celebrating. The field reporter resumes reporting]
REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing in the town square
where just moments ago it was declared
that AIDS... can finally be joked about.
What a great day for humanity
MR. GARRISON
"AIDS quilt"
CITY WOK OWNER
Oh boy, this is fantastic! I so grad
AIDS is funny now.
STAN
Okay, so now, do you wanna use our friend
in your commercials?
CITY WOK OWNER
Sure. Can I pay you fifteen dowlar
STAN
Fifteen dowlar? But... Jared got millions!
CITY WOK OWNER
Hey, I'm not a-Subway, I Shitty Wok.
Shitty Wok don't have... million dollars.
STAN
Oh God-damnit
KYLE
Aw, just forget the whole thing then!
CITY WOK OWNER
Okay. Hey, you kids know why chicken
cross the road?
STAN
Why?
CITY WOK OWNER
'Cause it has AIDS. AIDS so funny!
STAN
Well, so much for our money.
KYLE
Yeah, but you know, I've learned something
today. It would have been wrong to exploit
Butters' weight loss. Becuase then lots
of fat people would have believed it.
And then gone and eaten a ton of Chinese
food instead of dieting properly. They'd
still be fat and, we'd be responsible
for their shattered dreams.
BUTTERS
Yeah, I don't like shattering fat people's
dreams. Besides, I'd get grounded.
Oh, Jesus! I'm supposed to be grounded!
[Butters' house, minutes later. Butters rushes to the front door
]
BUTTERS
Huh. Huh, uh, uh.
CARTMAN
There you are, Butters!
BUTTERS
Wuh-are my... mom and dad back home
yet?
CARTMAN
No, but they're due home any minute.
Come on, you're just in time!
BUTTERS
Hoh boy! Mom and Dad didn't... find
out I... left the house, did they?
CARTMAN
No, I totally covered for you. They
completely believed I was you on the
phone.
BUTTERS
Hu-oh! Goody!
CARTMAN
Here you go. I drew some pictures with
crayons so it looks like you were here
all day. And I ate a little food so
it looks like you ate, and I fed your
cat.
BUTTERS
Uh perfect.
CARTMAN
Alright I'd better get out of here before
they get back.
BUTTERS
Uh hey, uh Eric? Uh thanks for coverin'
for me. You're a real pal.
CARTMAN
Butters, it was my pleasure.
BUTTERS
Hi, Mom and Dad!
CHRIS
Don't you "Hi, Mom and Dad!" us, you
little punk!!
BUTTERS
Ow. Dad?
LINDA
You don't even know the trouble you're
in, mister!!
BUTTERS
Ah! What did I do? What did I do?
CHRIS
You think you're touigh now? Answer
me!!
BUTTERS
Aaaa!!
CARTMAN
Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally
start jacking off right now.
THE END
|
