"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 513
"KENNY DIES"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Unplanned Parenthood, day. It has undergone renovation, so it
looks softer. It's snowing outside]
[Inside, operating room. A woman is waiting on a hospital bed.
She's quite pregnant. A doctor enters the room with a cart housing
everything he needs for his work, and approaches the bed]
DOCTOR
Alright, Ms. Sanders, all ready for
your abortion?
MS. SANDERS
Ready as I'm ever going to be, I guess.
DOCTOR
Well, try to relax; It will all be over
very soon.
MS. SANDERS
Docter, can we turn off that television?
DOCTOR
Oh yes, I 'm sorry.
Now, there is one more thing.
MS. SANDERS
What?
DOCTOR
Have you heard of stem-cell research?
MS. SANDERS
Uh-I've heard of it on the news, but...
I don't know what it is.
DOCTOR
Well basically, a lot of amazing studies
have shown that stem cells might be
used to fight cancer and a myriad of
other diseases. Right now, a lot of
stem cells come from the tissue of aborted
fetuses- ah I'm sorry, unwanted children.
And if you sign a release, that tissue
can go to studies
MS. SANDERS
Oh well, I suppose, if it can help others.
DOCTOR
The hope is that someday it might.
MS. SANDERS
Well okay.
DOCTOR
Great. Well, here we go.
[Hallway outside operating room. The sounds of abortion are heard,
but the operation itself isn't seen. A janitor passes by with
a vacuuum cleaner. The OR door opens and the doctor steps out
with a small container]
DOCTOR
Nurse? This is to go to Alder's Labs
for stem-cell research.
NURSE
Yes, Doctor.
[The highway, moments later. The truck rolls along to "On The
Road Again." and the driver joins in the singing]
TRUCK DRIVER
...going places that I've never been
Seeing things that I may never see a- Uuugh! [a deer leaps into
the read ahead of him and looks at him] Jesus Christ!! [swerves
to avoid the deer and goes over a cliff, tumbling down its side.
It lands somewhere below with its contents spilled all over the
place. The driver is killed on impact, but the song continues
to play...]
[The highway, moments later. A Big Wheel rounds a corner...]
CARTMAN
My baby takes the morning train and
she takes another home again. Hmm.
What do we have heah?
[A cow pasture, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sit among the cows
burning cow dung. Kenny holds the match and lighter. The cows
around them are grazing]
STAN
Well that burned a long time.
KYLE
Yeah, that was pretty good.
STAN
Oh dude, there goes one.
KYLE
'K go!
STAN, KYLE
Alright!
KENNY
(That's awesome)
KYLE
You've had that cough a while, Kenny.
You okay?
KENNY
(All right. I'm fine.)
BUTTERS
Hehehey, fellas! Ah, hey fellas!
STAN
What, Butters?
BUTTERS
Eric says you gotta come to his house
right away.
STAN
Tell him we're busy.
BUTTERS
Oh, ah, well, he knew you'd say that,
so, he told me to tell you that you
don't wanna miss this.
KYLE
What, did he lose a hundred pounds?
BUTTERS
Yeah, he ah knew you'd say that, too,
so he said t'say, ah, up your ass, Jew.
Yeah.
STAN
Alright, let's go see what he wants.
BUTTERS
Oh, it's all sticky.
[Cartman's house, minutes later. The three other boys approach
him in the living room. Cartman can barely contain his glee.]
KYLE
Alright, Cartman! What's so important
you had to pull us away from lighting
cow crap on fire?!
CARTMAN
Oh you guys, you're not gonna believe
it!
STAN
What?
CARTMAN
Guess what I have sitting in my back
yard?
KYLE
A trampoline?
CARTMAN
Better.
STAN
A boat?
CARTMAN
Better.
KENNY
(A football machine?)
CARTMAN
Better.
STAN
Well WHAT, Cartman?
CARTMAN
Thirty-three aborted fetuses. Oh yes.
KYLE
...What?
CARTMAN
Mint condition, tax free.
STAN
Cartman, what the hell are you doing
with aborted fetuses?!
KYLE
I'm leaving right now!
CARTMAN
Oh, I guess you don't watch the news,
Kyle!
KYLE
You've never watched the news, fatass!
And what the hell does that have to
do with anything?!
CARTMAN
Stem cells, numbnuts!
STAN
Stem cells?
KYLE
Oh, and what do you know about stem
cells?!
KENNY
(What the fuck are stem cells?)
KYLE
They're cells that come from fetuses,
and some research show that they could
be used to treat diseases.
CARTMAN
It's been proven, Jew! I saw it on
3-2-1 Contact. With all the research
that's going on, stem cells are worth
three times their weight in gold. What
I have in my back yard is an aborted
treasure chest.
KYLE
...I hate you so much.
CARTMAN
Fine! I don't need you assholes! I can
sell these fetuses all on my own!
[Cartman's house, later. He's up in his room placing cold calls
to business he finds in the Yellow Pages.]
CARTMAN
Hello. Is this theee University of Colorado
Biology Department? ...Great, uh I understand
you're corrently doing research on stem
cells? Kewl, because I'm currently in
possession of somesah aborted fetuses
that I'm looking to unload? ...Uh, how
much do you pay? ...No, no, come on,
ah I got a guy who's gonna give me eighty
dollars a pound right now. ...How about
a hundred? ...Oh you're breaking my
balls- I, I'll think about it.
[later]
Bosnod Medical Group? ...Yeah, I called earlier about the stem
cells and the fetuses? ...Okay, hi Randy, yeah. ...Oh yes, they've
been kept in a cool temperature, yeah. ...These are primo fetuses,
Randy, I wouldn't jerk you around. ...So what can your company
give me for 'em? ...Oh Randy, you're breaking my balls here.
...You're breaking my balls, Randy.
[later]
Oh plehease! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses
for seventy cents on the dollar? You tell me, Chuck? ...Yeah,
I didn't think so-You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck.
I wasn't born yesterday, either. Uh huh. ...So are you gonna
talk to me, or are we just gonna keep bullshitting each other?
Breakin' my balls, Chuck.
[later]
I gotta unload these fetuses, you wannan do some research. Are
we talkin' here or what? You're breaking my balls. ...I'm telling
you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal
mistake. [suddenly grins and covers the receiver with his right
hand] That's a joke [removes his hand from the receiver] ...A
hundred ten. ...Alright, alright, we got a deal. ...Good bye.
[hangs up and relaxes, putting his feet up on his desk and his
hands behind his head] Damn I'm good.
[Alder Research Group, some days later. Cartman enters, hauling
the thirty-three aborted fetuses behind him in a wagon. Workers
around the lab move stuff around]
RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?
CARTMAN
Yes, I'm making a delivery of these
fetuses hyam?
RECEPTIONIST
Oh, right, the fetuses. We were very
lucky you called. Our last shipment
of fetuses was lost in a truck accident.
CARTMAN
Gee, that's terrible. So, uh who do
I talk to about payment?
RESEARCHER
This is awful, just awful!
RECEPTIONIST
Oh Larry! This young man has some new
fetuses for research.
CARTMAN
You're gonna love these fetuses, Larry.
They're top notch
LARRY
Oh well, I'm sorry, but we can't buy
those from you now.
CARTMAN
...What?! We made a deal, Larry! I brought
them all the way down here already!
LARRY
I'm afraid the government has just put
a ban on stem-cell research.
RECEPTIONIST
A ban? Why?
LARRY
Too many people were upset about using
aborted fetal tissue for a study. It's
too bad, too. We really coulda helped
a lot of people.
CARTMAN
Ay! What the hell am I supposed to
do with these things, huh?! God-damnit!
[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their
seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom]
STAN
Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny
are ditching school again.
KYLE
Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright, class, let's take our seats.
Now, uh, before we get started, Stan
and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to
see you in her office.
STAN
The principal? Aw, come on!
KYLE
We don't know where Cartman is, Ms.
Choksondik!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
She needs to see you now!
KYLE
Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew
as a scapegoat.
[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle enter
expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents
on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Hello, boys.
STAN
Wait. What's going on here?
KYLE
Alright, we don't know for sure why
Cartman is ditching school, but it has
something to do with abortion. That's
all we know.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
You didn't do anything wrong boys.
We just need to talk to you. Have a
seat. Boys, uh... your little friend
Kenny went to the hospital last night,
m'kay. And well, he's pretty sick.
KYLE
Kenny's sick?
STAN
Well how sick?
CHEF
Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with
a... terminal disease.
STAN
...but... the doctors are gonna make
him better, right?
SHARON
Oh dear.
STAN
Mom? That's what hospitals are for.
They, they can make him better.
SHARON
Randy...
RANDY
They don't think so, Stanley. Your...
your friend is terminally ill, and that
means.. Well son,... th that means he's
going to be going to heaven soon.
KYLE
Wait. Kenny's going to die?
KYLE'S FATHER
...He might, Kyle.
STAN
...But... he's our... fu... fufu friend.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
We know, and that's why he's going to
need you boys to be strong for him,
m'kay? He needs you now more than ever.
STAN
No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die!
Kenny can't die!!
[Cartman's hosue, day. He's upstairs in his room placing cold
calls anew.]
CARTMAN
Come on, Jack, you gotta be able to
offer me more than that. ...Yes, I realize
there's a ban on stem-cell research,
but I've got thirty-some-odd human fetuses
in my backyard! I'm sure there's other
research your company can do with them.
...You'll take one? Okay, how much for
one? ...Aw, Jack, you're breaking my
balls here, Jack.
[later. There are now thirty-one]
Yes, hello, is this Captain Bly's Seafood Restaurant? ...Yeah,
hi, I've got a shipment of about thrity-one of the most succulent
shrimp from the West Indies. ...These are killer shrimp, Gary,
your customers are gonna love 'em. ...What kind of price you
payin' for shrimp? ...Oh, Gary, you're breakin' my balls, Gary.
How about ten and a quarter? ...Balls, Gary. Breakin' 'em. ...Alright,
I'll call you back. [hangs up and sighs deeply]
LIANE
Sweetie, your friends are downstairs.
They need to see you.
CARTMAN
Not now, Mom, I've only unloaded three
feti; I've gotta sell the rest before
they spoil.
LIANE
They say it's an emergency.
CARTMAN
Buh, alright. eh Butters?
BUTTERS
Uhyeah?
CARTMAN
Are you through databasing the clientele
sheet?
BUTTERS
Eh just about.
CARTMAN
Alright, well, you gotta take over
the telemarketing for a bit.
BUTTERS
Oh. Well, uhokay.
CARTMAN
Just remember what I taught you and
follow protocol. Next number to try
is on the list.
BUTTERS
Right. Uh hello? Is this Mr. Thompson
with Anatomy Research? ...Yes, uh, hello
sir. Uh, aah, we have a surplus of unborn
fetuses that we think you can use for
a ...dissection study. Uh huh, ah, how
much do you pay for that? ...You're
breaking my balls. ...I said, you're
breaking my balls, Mr. Thompson. ...My,
my balls.
[Living room, moments later. Cartman reaches the foot of the
stairs.]
CARTMAN
What is this, a PTA meeting?
KYLE
Cartman. Kenny's in the hospital.
CARTMAN
In the ...hospital? Why?
KYLE
They told us he has a m-muscular disease.
An and, that ...and that he, he might
die.
CARTMAN
Die? Kenny?
STAN
Don't you say that! Kenny's not gonna
die!
KYLE'S MOTHER
I'm going to go take the guys to go
see him at the hospital, Eric. We thought
you might wanna come.
CARTMAN
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kenny lies in a bed in a patient
room with an IV unit attached]
DOCTOR
There we go, little buddy.
KENNY
(Thank you, Doc.)
DOCTOR
You sure you don't wanna take your jacket
off; it's pretty warm.
KENNY
(I'm all right)
NURSE
Hey, look who has some visitors.
DOCTOR
Hmm, what a lucky little man. We'll
be right outside if you need us, Kenny.
KYLE
Hey dude, how's it going?
KENNY
(I'm okay, I guess.)
CARTMAN
We got you a present: it's a Gobo fighter.
KYLE
Heh, don't, don't tell him what it is,
dude.
CARTMAN
Heh, sorry.
KYLE
Hey, uhwe were all just talkin' about
how when you get better, we're all gonna
go down to Stark's Pond again and go
camping. Huh, Stan?
STAN
I-
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day, outside. Stan rushes out the front
door, Kyle pursuing]
KYLE
Stan? Stan, where are you going?
STAN
I can't, I just can't.
KYLE
Dude, he needs us right now.
STAN
I can't see him like that, Kyle. All
those hoses and wires. He's a kid, dude.
He's s'posed to be running around and
laughing.
KYLE
I, I know it's tough but- Look at me!
I know it's tough, okay?! I know! But
we have to be tough right now!
STAN
And what are we supposed to do, huh?!
Stand in that room and keep making small
talk?! Make believe like everything's
okay?! I CAN'T DO IT!
KYLE
Look, however hard you think it for
you, it's a lot harder for him!
STAN
Just leave me alone!
KYLE
Stan, you can't leave!
STAN
I'm not the one who's leaving, he is!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. Cartman was left alone
with Kenny as Kyle went after Stan]
CARTMAN
...You know, it's funny, Kenny. Stan
and Kyle have always sort of two best
friends, you know, and... well I I don't
know if I ever told you this, Kenny,
but um... I kind of always thought you
were my best f-friend. I don't know.
KENNY
(Eric, well you're my best friend, too.)
HURSE
Okay, we're gonna need to get Kenny
some time to sleep now.
CARTMAN
Dont you worry, Kenny. I I'm gonna find
a cure for you. Everything's gonna be
okay!
[Hospital corridor, Hell's Pass Hospital. Cartman appears outside
the door with a long face, chokes up, and faces the wall to cry]
KYLE
Cartman?
CARTMAN
Oh, Kyle. Hey, what's goin' down, Jew-boy?
KYLE
Cartman, were you... crying?
CARTMAN
No! No, I mean, I, I got somethin'
in my eyes. It's this uh, the air in
here is just uh. Oh man.
KYLE
Hey Cartman. I care a lot about him,
too.
CARTMAN
I'm gonna find a cure, Kyle. I swear
to God I'm gonna find a cure
KYLE
Sure you will, Cartman. Sure you will.
[Alder Research Group, next day. Inside, employees are packing
away their computers and other office equipment]
LARRY
This is where the bulk of our research
was being done. But due to the government
ban, we're mostly just packing things
up.
CARTMAN
Doctor, can you tell me exactly how
stem cells work?
LARRY
Look, you have trillions of cells in
your body: heart cells, skin cells,
brain cells, and so on. But before a
cell is designated as a toenail cell
or a pancreas cell, it's what we call
a stem cell. Sort of like a black cell.
Do you understand?
CARTMAN
Not at all, but go on.
LARRY
Because these cells are blanks, they
will often program themselves based
on what cells you put around them. You
see this rat? Earlier this year, we
surgically removed the middle of her
spine. then we injected her with some
stem cells and... they became the mising
part of the spine.
CARTMAN
My God...
LARRY
Nerve cells damaged by Parkinson's disease
or heart tissue of cardiac patients
might ultimately be replaced by tissue
grown from stem cells.
CARTMAN
So then, could stem cells be used on
someone whose muscle tissue is wasting
away? Ihin other words, if a little
boy was dying from a muscular disease,
the stem cells could become new muscle
tissue.
LARRY
That's the theory.
CARTMAN
Well, so then, if the stem cells are
placed nest to s Shakey's Pizza, they
would become another Shakey's Pizza!
And you'd have your own Shakey's Pizza
where you didn't have to charge yourself
to eat!
LARRY
Well, no. To build another Shake's it
would be better to use lumber.
CARTMAN
Hmmm.
LARRY
But, unfortunately, the government has
banned stem cell research and so...
we'll never know.
CARTMAN
Looks like someone is gonna have to
try and change the government's mind.
LARRY
Where are you going?
CARTMAN
There's a pretty brave kid fighting
for his life in the hospital right now,
doctor. I'm gonna get him some bigger
boxing gloves.
LARRY
Hey kid. Give 'em hell. Give 'em hell.
CARTMAN
Oh, doctor. Thanks. Thanks.
LARRY
Oh, hey kid. Good luck. Good luck.
CARTMAN
Oh, and doctor. ...Ah, never mind.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. The McCormicks, Kyle,
and Chef are present. Kyle has with him a bunch of get-well cards
from the other students in his class. The bed is seen from an
angle]
KYLE
...And see? Here's one from Butters.
It says, "We can't wait to see you back
in school, Kenny." And it has a picture
of him and you in a little airplane!
CHEF
Oh, isn't that nice? You've got lots
of friends, don't you Kenny?
KENNY
(Yes.) (But what about Stan?)
KYLE
Stan? Oh. Well, no, there's nothing
here from Stan, but, well, Stan's gonna
come and see you real soon, I bet, Kenny.
KENNY
(I hope so)
NURSE
Hey, look who's here.
KENNY
(Stan??)
WOMAN
Hello, Kenny, I'm Laura Jones, and
this is Bob Ferrin.
BOB
We're with the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
MS. MCCORMICK
Oh, Kenny, isn't that nice?
KENNY
(The Make-A-Wish Foundation?)
LAURA
We travel the country given special
little boys and girls like you their
biggest wish.
KYLE
Neat, huh Kenny?
KENNY
(Yes.)
LAURA
So Kenny, if you could have ONE wish,
what would it be?
BOB
What's your wish, pal?
KENNY
(I guess the only thing I wish is to
not die.)
LAURA
What did he say?
KYLE
He said his wish is not to die.
LAURA
...O-kay, and, what if you're gonna
have two wishes, what would the second
one be?
BOB
I know! I bet you wanna meet Madonna,
huh?
KENNY
(No. Fuckin' Madonna...)
BOB
Wu what was that?
KYLE
He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore
who wore out her welcome years ago,
and that now she suddenly speaks with
a British accent and she thinks she
can play guitar and she should go fuck
herself.
MADONNA
Should I come in now?
BOB
Uh no not quite yet.
[The cow pasture, day. Stan has come here to reflect on Kenny's
hospitalization. He sits on a log resting his head on his hands
and watches as a cow drops a load of dung next to the log. He
strikes a match and toses it on the dung. The dung lights up
and burns]
CHEF
Hello there, children.
STAN
Hey Chef.
CHEF
How's it goin'?
STAN
Bad.
CHEF
Yeah. Things have been better.
STAN
Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why?
Kenny's my fr-f-f-friend. Why can't
God take someone else's f-f-friend?
CHEF
Stan, sometimes God takes those closest
to us, because it makes him feel better
about himself. He is a very vengeful
God, Stan. He's all pissed off about
something we did thousands of years
ago. He just can't get over it, so he
doesn't care who he takes.Children,
puppies, it don't matter to him, so
long as it makes us sad. Do you understand.
STAN
But then, why does God give us anything
to start with?
CHEF
Well, look at it this way: if you want
to make a baby cry, first you give it
a lollipop. Then you take it away. If
you never give it a lollipop to begin
with, then it would have nothin' to
cry about. That's like God, who gives
us life and love and help just so that
he can tear it all away and make us
cry, so he can drink the sweet milk
of our tears. You see, it's our tears,
Stan, that give God his great power.
STAN
I thnk I understand.
[Capitol Hill, Washington DC]
CARTMAN
My name is Eric Cartman and I live in
Colorado. My best friend in the whole
world is Kenny McCormick and he, he's
sick right now. He's real sick. He's
only eight years old and his doctors
don't think he has very long to live.
Look, I realize that using the tissue
from aborted fetuses for research is
a touchy subject, but... All I know
is that if there's a chance, a... chance
that stem-cell research could save my
best friend's life, well... I guess
I owe it to him to try and change your
minds. I love Kenny McCormick and...
I want you to love him too. And I
uh, I'm not the best speaker in the
world. Maybe I can put it best in the
words of a timeless song
It was the heat of the moment telling me what your heart meant
The heat of the moment shone in your eyes
I never meant to be so bad to you
One thing I said that I would never do
CONGRESSMAN 1
One look from you and I would fall from
grace.
CONGRESSMAN 2
And that would wipe the smile right
from my face.
A FEW CONGRESSMEN
And incidents arose from circumstance?
EVERYONE
One thing led to another; we were young
And we would scream together songs unsung
It was the heat of the moment
Telling me what our hearts meant
The heat of the moment
shone in your eyes [Cartman raises his voice to the G above middle
C]
[Planned Parenthood, day. Cartman, in shirt and tie, is outside
with clipboard in hand, talking to a woman about to have an abortion.]
CARTMAN
And so you see, now that the ban on
stem-cell research has been lifted,
we can sell your fetus to compnaies
like Alder Labs.
WOMAN
Oh, I don't know.
CARTMAN
Look, I can offer you seventy-five dollars
for that fetus right now, Jill.
JILL
Seventy-five dollars? Well, alright.
CARTMAN
Great, just sign right here, please.
Hi. Havin' an abortion today? Great.
Listen, if you'd like to sell your
abortion for research I'm offering uh,
seventy-five dollars. Help you out a
little bit with your medical bill in
there. And you sign right here. Uh
excuse me, ma'am. Can I interest you
in selling your aborted fetus?
WOMAN 2
We're not going to the abortion clinic.
I'm going to have this baby.
CARTMAN
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, because
uh, there's a little boy dying in a
hospital right now who sure could use
that baby more than you could. The stem
cells from your fetus could help save
his life.
MAN
Oh. Well, I guess we can always... just
make another one.
WOMAN 2
Oh Mark, I love you.
CARTMAN
Alright! Now Kenny has a fighting chance.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan enters with a package, his faith
renewed, his confidence strong, and makes his way down the hall,
passing people as he goes]
HEAD NURSE
Young man, do you know where you're
going?
STAN
Yeah. I'm gonna see my friend, because
he needs me right now.
HEAD NURSE
All right!
MAN IN WHEELCHAIR
Go kid!
MAN ON CRUTCHES
Good for you!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, Kenny's room. Stan enters happily]
STAN
Hey, Kenny! Oh no. No.
KYLE
He just... He just... stopped breathing.
And it was over.
STAN
But... I didn't get to see him. Hell
I, I didn't get to sssay good-bye.
Did he say anything before he went?
KYLE
He just said... "Where's Stan?"
[First Church of South Park,some days later, day. The camera
looks up at some lights, then pans down as it back up to focus
on the altar]
MR. GARRISON
And so, we will all miss Kenny, his
playful laughter, his innocent smile.
But we will never forget that it was
because of brave Kenny that stem-cell
research was allowed to continue.
STAN
I let Kenny down. I'm his worst f-f-f-friend.
CARTMAN
You guys! Come quick!
KYLE
What, Cartman
CARTMAN
It's... Why, it's a miracle, you guys!
[Outside, day. Cartman stops, but still bounces from joy. Stan
and Kyle join him]
STAN
What, Cartman? What's happened?
CARTMAN
Look. I put the stem cells from all
the fetuses I had next to a Shakey's,
and they ARE replicating a new Shakey's!
It worked!
STAN
This whole time, you were just using
Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem
cell research so you could sell your
stupid fetuses?
CARTMAN
Stupid fetuses? It's my own Shakey's!
KYLE
I actually hugged you. I held you in
my arms and, and, cried with you.
CARTMAN
I think I only need a hundred or so
more aborted babies, and I can finish
up the kitchen.
KYLE
AAARGH!
CARTMAN
Aah! Kyle! Kyle!
STAN
Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-f-friend!
Cartman was!
THE END
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