"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 310
"KORN'S GROOVY PIRATE GHOST MYSTERY"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A bustling scene on a dock. A large lake is behind the dock,
a stage is off to the left, and the whole place is being dressed
for Halloween. Beyond the lake, a lighthouse looks over the scene.
At center is a booth for a radio station. The camera moves in]
DJ
We're here live at the KOZY 102.1 Hallween
Haunt at the South Park docks! Come
on down! We've got a haunted house
and everyone is decorating for tomorrow
night, HALLOWEEN, when the band KoRn,
that's right, KoRn, is going to play
live! And don't forget to wear a costume
tomorrow, because there's a big first
prize! Why, here's some kids enjoying
the Halloween Haunt now! Say boys,
what do you think of KOZY-FM's Halloween
Haunt so far?
STAN
This one time, like eight months ago,
I saw two guys kissing in a park. And
that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen,
until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.
DJ
Uh-hall right! Well, enjoy the spooky
docks, kids.
[Further down the dock. The boys keep walking, and Cartman runs
up to meet them]
CARTMAN
Hey you guys! You know what time of
year it is?
KYLE
Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.
CARTMAN
That's right, and that means only two
more months till Christmas! You'd better
watch out, you'd better not cry—
STAN
Christmas?
CARTMAN
—Christmastime is presents for me.
[On another part of the dock, Jimbo and Ned leave a ticket booth]
JIMBO
Aw, nuts! Come on, Ned, this ain't no
whore house, it's a hor-ROR house.
GUESTS IN LINE
Awwww!
CARTMAN
Eeyyy , Spooky Laboratory, you guys.
KYLE
Those things are stupid, Cartman. They
just stick your hand in cold spaghetti
and tell you it's intestines and stuff.
CARTMAN
Well, I'm going to Spooky Laboratory!
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
GUIDE
Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. I'm your
guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show
around the lab.
CARTMAN
Cool!
DR. SPOOKALOT
Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
CARTMAN
Ewww-hoohooo.
DR. SPOOKALOT
And here you can feel the brains.
CARTMAN
Oh-HO, grohoss.
DR. SPOOKALOT
And here you can feel the warm innards
of the body
CARTMAN
Eewww, it feels like cold spaghetti!
You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
KENNY
(You guys, I'm gonna try and win that
costume contest!)
KYLE
Give it up, Kenny! You're not gonna
win that costume contest! Your costumes
always suck.
BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
BOO!
STAN, KYLE, KENNY
Aaaaah!
BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
Ha ha ha ha ha! We scared you, chickens!
STAN
W-we weren't scared!
BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
Oh no? Well, you should be! The pirate
ghosts are gonna come getcha!
KYLE
The what?
BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
Didn't you know? There's an old legend
in South Park that says these docks
are haunted by pirate ghosts.
KYLE
Nuh-uh.
BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
Yuh-huh. They roam these docks with
their swords and hook-hands looking
for victims tuh... cut up!
KENNY
(Hoh!)
STAN
That's just an old legend.
PIRATE GHOST CUTOUT
Rar!
STAN, KYLE, KENNY
Aaaaah!
BOY IN GREEN SHIRT
Ha ha ha ha, gotcha again, heh ha ha!
Just wait till tomorrow! We're gonna
scare you kids to death! Ha ha ha haa!
CARTMAN
You guys, my hand totally smells like
spaghetti now. Smell it.
STAN
I'm sick of those fifth graders scaring
us all the time! We should come up with
a way to scare them!
KYLE
Yeah! Let's see how they like it!
[The KOZY-FM booth. The DJ is joined by the town's priest]
DJ
Joining me now is Father Maxi, from
the South Park Church. Father, what
do you think of all the preparations
here at the docks?
FR. MAXI
Halloween is an abomination of God!
A celebration of the occult-eh!
DJ
Yeah, and how about KoRn playing the
big concert tomorrow? Pretty exciting,
huh?
FR. MAXI
KoRn is a devil-worshipping group that
plays violent music! If we allow that
demon band to play on this most unholy
of holidays, we may incur the full wrath
of evil!
DJ
Alriight, we'll see you tomorrow for
Halloween! In the meantime here's a
KOZY hit by Barry Manilow.
[The lake. The boys are still on the docks...]
STAN
Come on, you guys, think! How can we
scare the fifth graders? It has to be
something reeaally scary.
CARTMAN
We could get a big scary plastic spider,
and dangle it in front of them on a
string... s- spooky spider, that's pretty
scary.
KYLE
That's not scary, fatass!
STAN
Well, come on! We can think of something
better than stupid pirate ghosts!
PIRATE GHOSTS
Darrrr!
[The woods. A van rumbles down a road. On the side it reads,
"KoRn." Several men inside it talk]
JONATHAN
Are you sure we're goin' the right way?
DAVID
I don't know. This map doesn't make
any sense.
HEAD
That's because you've got it upside
down, chowderhead!
DAVID
Oops.
FIELDY
When are we gonna get to the gig? I'm
starving.
JONATHAN
Don't think about it. We'll just keep
playing our game. Raady? I spy with
my little eye something that begins
with the letter T!
MUNKY
I know! A t-ree!
JONATHAN
You've got it. I spy with my little
eye something that begins with the letter
R.
DAVID
A road?
JONATHAN
That's it!
PIRATES
Darrrr!
[further down the road...]
JONATHAN
Okay, here's one. I spy with my little
eye something that begins with the letter
P.
HEAD
The letter P?
FIELDY
What the heck starts with the letter
P?
JONATHAN
Puh-pirate ghosts!
ALL
Aaaaah!
[The Cartman house. Cartman walks towards the sofa with a catalog
in hand]
CARTMAN
Mom! You got the new Duffy's catalog!
I-I'm gonna circle everything I want
for Christmas, okay? Mom? Okay? O-kay
, let's see. I waant... thiis... aand...
this... and... let's see, comes with so...
...comes with two bars , so there we
go, have that... and, let's see...
LIANE
Eric, your little friends are here.
CARTMAN
Mom, mom! You wanna see what I want
for Christmas?
LIANE
E-heric, it's only Halloween.
CARTMAN
That's only 72 shopping days left for
you!
STAN
Come on, fatass, we have to go!
CARTMAN
Ey! Don't call me fat! Mom, don't laugh.
LIANE
I'm sorry, hon,
CARTMAN
I can't go with you guys right now.
STAN
Yes you can, porky.
CARTMAN
Mom, seriously!
LIANE
Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't
fat, his big-boned.
KYLE
He must have a huge bone in his ass,
then.
CARTMAN
God-damnit, mom!
[Outside, night. The boys head out and away]
CARTMAN
God, I hate you guys!
STAN
Okay, so we figured out how to scare
the fifth graders.
CARTMAN
How?
STAN
What's the scariest thing we could get?
CARTMAN
Spooky spider?
STAN
No! A dead body.
KYLE
Yeah, fatass, a dead body.
CARTMAN
You mean, we make something that looks
like a dead body?
STAN
We could never make one that looks real
enough. To be really scary, it would
have to be real.
KYLE
Yeah, fatass, it has to be real to be
scary!
CARTMAN
So where the hell are we going to get
a dead body?
STAN
We're gonna dig up Kyle's dead grandma.
KYLE
Yeah, fatass, we're goona dig up- Dig
up Kyle's dead grandma??
STAN
Dude, she's perfect. She only died,
like, three months ago, right?
KYLE
Are you insane?!
CARTMAN
U-hi think that's a sweet idea!
KENNY
(Yeah!)
KYLE
Dude! We'er not digging up my grandma;
I'll get in trouble.
STAN
All we have to do is sneak in the graveyard,
dig her up, scare the fifth graders,
then put her back before anyone notices
she's gone,
KYLE
Naww, let's dig up somebody else.
STAN
Relax, dude. What's the big deal? Think
about it: if your grandma knew that
she could help you, even in death, she
would want to.
CARTMAN
This is gonna be fun!
[The graveyard. Spooky music and a howling wolf punctuate the
foggy atmosphere as a full moon rises. Kyle leads the way with
a flashlight. Cartman is singing]
CARTMAN
Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-in',
ring ting tingle-in' too
Outside it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you,
and you, and you.
STAN
Cartman, will you stop singing Christmas
carols? We have to be quiet, or else
we're gonna get busted!
KYLE
This must be it. "Cleo Broflovski"
That's my grandma.
STAN
Well, let's dig 'er up!
KYLE
Wait. I don't know if this is cool.
STAN
Of course it's cool! She's gonna be
all rotted and scary!
KYLE
I don't think my mom would want me doin'
this.
CARTMAN
"Ooh, I don't wanna dig up my dead
grandma 'cause I'm such a goody-two-shoes!"
Ow.
STAN
You guys be quiet! Now, do you wanna
get back at the fifth graders or not?!
KYLE
I don't really care, dude.
STAN
Yes you do! Now, dig!
CARTMAN
Outside the snow is falling and friends
are calling, "You-hoo"...
[Later. The casket is now vertical, leaning against the tombstone]
STAN
Okay. It's almost open. Ready? One,
two, three! Whoa, dude.
KYLE
Oh, my God. Hi, ...Grandma.
A VOICE
Hi, Kyle.
KYLE
Aaaah!
CARTMAN
Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have
you been making Grandma proud?
KYLE
Damnit, Cartman, that's not funny!
STAN
Eheh, yes, it ihis, heh.
CARTMAN
Heh heh, I'm sweet.
KYLE
Alright, alright, let's get this over
with so we can put her back!
STAN
Okay, grab the sled.
[The docks. A dog is sniffing at the boards, then raises his
head. He growls and runs off stage left. The boys come in from
the other side pulling the corpse, and Cartman sings]
CARTMAN
Silver Bells, Silver Bells, it's Christmas
time in the city...
STAN
Okay. Let's just hide her here, and
tomorrow, during the Halloween party,
we'll come back in our costumes and
use her to scare the fifth graders.
KYLE
How exactly are we gonna use her to
scare them?
CARTMAN
We could shove a stick up her ass and
use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr,
I'm scary Grandma!"
KYLE
Alright, that does it, Cartman! That's
my grandma! You show her some God-damned
respect!
MALE VOICE
O-o-o-o-oh.
STAN
Who was that?
KYLE
Cartman?!
CARTMAN
It wasn't me!
MALE VOICE
Who-o-oa.
STAN
Dude, not cool. This is scary.
THE BOYS
Wa-a-a-ah!
MUNKY
Hey! Like, it's just some kids.
JONATHAN
Oh, fwooh, I was really scared there,
for a second.
STAN
Hay, you're that band KoRn.
JONATHAN
Yeah. I'm Jonathan , and this is Munky
, David , Fieldy , and Head . And over
there is our pal, Nibblet. Hey, where'd
Nibblet go?
NIBBLET
Uh-huh, Nibblet likes potato chips.
KORN
Nibblet!
NIBBLET
Okay.
STAN
What are you guys doing out here?
Head; We were just driving our van when all of a sudden we were
run off the road by some super-spooky pirate ghosts.
STAN
Aw, dude, that was just the fifth graders.
KYLE
Yeah. They're tryin' to scare everybody
'cause they're gay wads.
STAN
Don't worry. We're about to go get 'em
back.
JONATHAN
Oh, swell. We're supposed to play here
tomorrow. Do you know where the stage
is?
STAN
Yeah, dude. It's right over there.
KORN
O-kay!
JONATHAN
Oh, hi. We're KoRn. We're supposed to
play the Halloween concert tomorrow.
FR. MAXI
I know who you are and what you stand
for! I think your music and Halloweenn
is an abomination!
JONATHAN
Groovy! Could you show us where to set
up?
[The boys walk a little further, and Cartman pulls the sled over
to one side of a stack of boxes]
STAN
Alright, let's just set her over here
behind these boxes.
KYLE
Shouldn't we hide her better than that?
STAN
Kyle, will you stop worrying? God! Now,
we'll all be back here tomorrow with
our costumes, and then, when the Halloween
party gets going, we'll bust out dead
Grandma! Let's go!
KYLE
Wait till you guys see my costume! It's
gonan be sweet!
KENNY
(Mine is so fuckin' badass it's gotta
win now!)
CARTMAN
Oh, come on, Kenny! You never have a
sweet costume! You're not gonna win
the costume contest!
KENNY
(Yes I am! I've got the costume; it's
waiting in the house! Yesterday I got
this huge package in the mail, and it
was big, okay?)
[The next day. Two uniformed men approach the Broflovski house.
One of them rings the bell.]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Hold on, kids.
BRUNET
Mrs. Broflovski?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Yes?
BRUNET
We're from Mt. Peaceful Cemetery. Could
we have a word with you?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Eehh, sure, come in. What is it?
BRUNET
Ms. Broflovski... somebody has defiled
your mother's grave.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Defiled? How?
BLOND
Well, I'm afraid that... somebody dug
her up.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Dug her up? Why??
BRUNET
Well. Theh- most likely reason is that...
somebody wanted to have sex with her
dead body.
BLOND
Yeahp.
KYLE'S MOTHER
What?!
BRUNET
Uhuh, we don't want to upset you, but
it happens. Somebody's probably making
love to her corpse as we speak.
BLOND
Every vile position, every disrespectful
act imaginable.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Hoh, dear God!
BRUNET
Yes. By now he's probably even removed
her eyes and made love to the empty
sockets as well.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oooh.
BLOND
No-, we don't want to upset you, but
you should know that your mother's body
would be stiff and dry, so he would
have to have it soaked in warm water
for several hours before making love
to it.
KYLE'S MOTHER
O-o-o-o-oh!
BRUNET
Yes. And, now for the difficult part.
BLOND
Brace yourself.
BRUNET
It is highly possible that he has created
new orifices in her decomposing flesh,
leaving her to look something like —
an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She
probably-
KYLE'S MOTHER
Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell
me what you're gonna do about it!
BRUNET
...Do?
BLOND
Oh, we don't do anything. We're just
the watchmen.
BRUNET
Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna
call the police or something.
KYLE'S MOTHER
O-o-ogh!
BRUNET
Now, he probably would make love to
the dead body in a cool dry place, so
as not to allow further decomposition.
[The Cartman house. A delivery man walks towards it with a package
and rings the bell. Cartman answers]
DELIVERY MAN
Package delivery for Mrs. Cartman?
CARTMAN
A package? Oh, really? Well, I think
I can sign for that!
DELIVERY MAN
Sign heah, and heah, and heah.
CARTMAN
I got a Christmas present! I got a Christmas
present! ...Maybe I can see what it is.
I'll just open one little corner. Let's
see here. That's good, I'll rewrap
it later! Oh, sweet! Life-sized blow-up
Antonio Banderas love doll! With realistic
geni-ta-lia. Oh, this kicks ass! What
a cool Christmas present my mom got!
[The lake. The docks are bustling again, and the DJ is in his
booth]
DJ
It's Halloween day, so come on down
to the docks and bring your costumes!
STAN
Where's Kenny? He said he had the best
Halloween costume ever.
CARTMAN
Nyah nyahnyahnyah nyah nyah. Guess
wha-at I got? Antonio Banderas blow-up
doll. You guys didn't get one.
STAN
Where's your costume, fatass?
CARTMAN
Screw Halloween, I already got my Christmas
present! In a few days I'll wrap it
back up, and then when I open it on
Christmas, I'll act all, like, surprised,
like "Oh Mother, Antonio Banderas life-sized
blow-up doll! What a surprise!"
STAN
Hey, Kenny.
KENNY
(Hey, guys. Uh, check out this kick-ass
cool costume.)
CARTMAN
U-huh, nice costume, Kenny. If you think
you're gonna win with that, huh!
STAN
Alright. The fifth graders are gonna
be here soon. Let's get Kyle's grandma!
This is gonna be sweet
CARTMAN
Uuh, problem, guys.
STAN
What's the problem?
CARTMAN
Nno Grandma.
KYLE
No Grandma??
CARTMAN
Nno Grandma.
KYLE
She's not here!
STAN
She has to be here!
KYLE
Well, she's not here! That's just great!
Thanks a lot, Stan! You're gonna get
me busted again!
[City Hall, outside. Officer Barbrady stands behind a podium
addressing the crowd]
BARBRADY
Okay, people. I know we all want to
get down to the docks for the Halloween
Haunt, but first we just need to inform
you about thee- people or persons out
there digging up bodies to have sex
with them. Gentlemen?
BRUNET
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
A person who steals bodies to have sex
with them is called a necrophiliac.
So that you all know what to expect,
my partner Alan has a sketch of what
having sex with a dead body might look
like.
CROWD
Ee-oooh!
BRUNET
Yes, we know it's horrible. It's probably
best you not look at it. Now, Alan will
demostrate what having sex with a dead
body might sound like.
CROWD
Awwwgh!
MAN
Excuse me, how is this helping?
BARBRADY
That's it, folks. Now, we can all go
to the docks and enjoy the Halloween
Haunt.
PIRATE VOICE
Noo! Don't go to the docks! Aarrrgh!
Argh, I'm Captain Bly! You land-lubbers
had better stay away from the docks!
Or else, there'll be hell to pay! Fire
the cannon! Har harharharhar!
PIRATE GHOST 2
Arrrgh!
CAPTAIN BLY
We won't warn ya again! Stay away from
our docks!
FR. MAXI
I warned you! I told you this would
happen! When you allow bands like KoRn
to come to town and play your hedonistic
Hallowen concerts, this is what you
get!
[The docks. KoRn is practicing on stage.]
JONATHAN
Great rehearsal, gang. That was really
groovy. Let's practice one more time
before the show starts.
DJ
Aah, guys, I'm sorry, but the Halloween
Haunt's been cancelled.
JONATHAN
Cancelled?
DJ
You best clear out of here! There's
pirate ghosts, and they'll kill you.
JONATHAN
Well gang, it looks like we have to
pack it up.
THE OTHERS
Awww.
KYLE
God-damnit! Now, what the hell are we
gonna do?!
MUNKY
Oh, hey! The kids from last night.
HEAD
Wow! Is that the Antonio Banderas life-sized
blow-up doll?
DAVID
Hey, Kenny.
KENNY
(Aw, man!)
JONATHAN
Say, what's the matter? You kids look
kind of glum.
KYLE
Somebody took my dead grandma.
FIELDY
What?
STAN
We dug her up 'cause we wanted to scare
the fifth graders, but then, something
took her body away.
KYLE
Now she's doomed to walk the earth in
limbo.
FIELDY
Aw, I hate to see little clowns cry.
JONATHAN
Well, that does it. Somethin' funny
is going on here. Your missing grandma
must be connected somehow to those creepy
pirate ghosts.
DAVID
They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan,
they're ghost pirates.
JONATHAN
Huh?
DAVID
"Pirate ghost" would suggest that a
pirate died, and became a ghost, but
a ghost pirate is a ghost that later
made a conscious decision to be a pirate.
MUNKY
No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts,
because they're the ghosts of pirates.
FIELDY
You're wrong, because there were no
pirates in Colorado. So these must be
ghosts that have decided to become pirates
after the fact.
JONATHAN
But that makes them pirate ghosts.
DAVID
No. It makes them ghost pirates.
MUNKY
Pirate ghosts!
HEAD
Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna
solve anything. Don't you see? This
is exactly what those ghost pirates
want us to do.
JONATHAN
Pirate ghosts.
KYLE
Then, you'll help us?
JONATHAN
Sure, we'll help you. If there's one
thing we like more than playing music,
it's solvin' a groovy mystery.
THE BOYS
Al-right!
[City Hall. People are still laying on floor. Chef arrives]
CHEF
Is everybody okay?
KYLE'S MOTHER
People stealing bodies to have sex
with them? Pirate ghosts destroying
the town? When did everything go so
wrong?
KYLE'S FATHER
I hate to say it, but I think Priest
Maxi was right. This is what we get
for celebrating Halloween and allowing
that band KoRn to come play.
MR. GARRISON
He's right! Nothin' ever went wrong
in this town before that evil KoRn band
showed up.
SHARON
Well, I say we go find them and kick
their devil-worshipping butts out of
town!
CROWD
Yeah!
RANDY
Lynch mob!
MAN
Down with KoRn!
[Halloween night, the docks. KoRn and the boys are still talking...]
JONATHAN
So this is where you last saw your dead
grandma.
KYLE
Right.
STAN
Maybe there really are pirate ghosts
and they took her inside.
JONATHAN
Alright, gang, we have to split up and
look for clues.
STAN
How should we split up?
JONATHAN
I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys
having obstacles in their life, which
they can overcome, go this way, and
everyone whose insecurities sabotage
their potential to overcome those obstacles
go that way.
KORN
O-kay!
KYLE
Wow! That was easy.
[The lynch mob reaches the docks and head for the van. Randy
reaches it first.]
RANDY
Here's their van! Here's their van!
WOMAN
Let's flip it over!
SOEM FOLKS
Yeah!
BARBRADY
Okay, people, let's try to stay orderly.
The best way to do this is, all get
on one side and push it from the top.
MAN
Devil woshippers!
CROWD
Yeah!
MAN 2
Come on, they gotta be around here somewhere!
[A warehouse. The secure group walks along with Nibblet. Munky
is not with them.]
STAN
This place gives me the creeps.
JONATHAN
Say, this looks like a clue. "Pirate
Lore of South Park." Hmmm. Now, why
would pirate ghosts need a book on pirates?
KYLE
Whoa. What was that?
JONATHAN
The noise came from in here. Stay close,
everybody!
FIELDY
Oh, no! I lost my glasses.
[The insecure group walks in a darkened part of the warehouse.
Munky is in that group now.]
HEAD
What does this dead grandma look like?
CARTMAN
Uh, she was all, like, crunchy and crispy
and stuff.
DAVID
Hey, I got an idea. We should set a
groovy trap.
MUNKY
Good idea.
CARTMAN
How do we trap a bunch of pirate ghosts?
DAVID
We need something that might catch their
eye to use as bait. I know, your Antonio
Banderas love doll.
CARTMAN
Oh, no! This is my Christmas present!
If anything happens to it, my mom will
know I opened it early!
MUNKY
Come on, kid. We all have to do our
part, even Antonio.
[The lit side of the warehouse. Fieldy is still looking for his
glasses]
FIELDY
My glasses gotta be around here somewhere.
Is that you, Jonathan? Boy, I'm glad
to see you. I lost my glasses.
PEG-LEG
Raaarrrgh!
FIELDY
Hey, you got a cold, Jonathan?
PEG-LEG
Raarraarrgh!
FIELDY
Yeah, that sounds like a groovy song,
man! Remember that one!
JONATHAN
Fieldy, what are you doing?!
FIELDY
Oh, I was talking to you, Jonathan.
...Hey, wait a minute. If you're over
there, then how could you be over here?
Unless you're actually a...
ALL
Puh-puuhh pirate ghost!
PEG-LEG
Raaarrrgh!
[The darkened part of the warehouse. The trap is set]
DAVID
Okay. Here's how the trap will work.
When the pirate ghosts walk in, they
should go right for Antonio Banderas.
When they hit the super-slippery floor,
they'll slide onto this mining cart,
which should travel down this path,
into the next room, where the fish net
will fall on them.
CARTMAN
Wow, cool!
MUNKY
Hey! Somebody's coming.
SECURE GROUP
Aaaaah!
STAN
We've got to hide!
JONATHAN
Hey, there's Antonio Banderas! He'll
help us. Mr. Banderas!
DAVID
Jonathan, no!
SECURE GROUP
Aaaah!
HEAD
Oh, no!
SECURE GROUP
Aaaah!
STAN
Ow!
DAVID
Hold on, guys!
BRUNET
Alright, KoRn, time for you to get out
of town!
PIRATE GHOSTS
Aarrrrgh.
CROWD
Aaaaaah!
RANDY
KoRn is sending their demon minions
upon us!
CROWD
Aaaaaah!
JONATHAN
Alright, gang. Looks like we're gonna
have to use our special KoRn powers.
KoRn powers, vitalize!
MUNKY
Munky!
DAVID
David!
FIELDY
Fieldy!
HEAD
Head!
JONATHAN
Jonathan!
KORN
Form of... CORN!
JONATHAN
Alright! Great job, gang!
CARTMAN
That didn't help at all.
HEAD
We know. It's just cool to do.
PIRATE GHOSTS
Aarrrrgh!
NIBBLET
Nibblet!
KORN
Nibblet!
BARBRADY
What the hell is that thing??
DAVID
You did it, Nibblet! You trapped them!
JONATHAN
Yeah. And now let's see who these pirate
ghosts really are! Oh, I guess they
really were pirate ghosts.
BARBRADY
Alright, KoRn, you can stop your demonic
shenanigans and come downtown with me!
NIBBLET
Hehey, look what Nibblet sees.
FR. MAXI
Whoa!
CHEF
What the...?
MAN
Fr. Maxi?
FR. MAXI
Well, what are you waiting for, Barbrady?!
Arrest that band!
BARBRADY
Oh?
JONATHAN
No! Arrest him!
MOB
Huh??
JONATHAN
I think I've got this groovy mystery
solved!
[Outside. The mystery has apparently been explained. The priest
is now under arrest]
CHEF
Well, I must say I still don't get this
at all.
JONATHAN
It's simple. Priest Maxi didn't want
there to be a Halloween, so he decided
to scare everyone away from the docks.
DAVID
Yeah. And then he used this flashlight
and some cotton swabs to create the
ghosts.
FIELDY
Then all he needed was some sound effects
created by this cup and a piece of cheese.
Aaaaraargh!
JONATHAN
And all he had to do then was create
a ghost ship, by using some candles,
a mirror, and two squirrels.
CHEF
Father, why did you go to all this trouble?
FR. MAXI
Because Halloween is an abomination
of God. I would do anything to stop
this wretched, unholy holiday!
CHEF
Including killing people and wreaking
havoc all over South Park?
BRUNET
Don't you see that by trying to stop
Halloween you've scared the hell out
of everybody?
FR. MAXI
No.
BARBRADY
Okay buddy, you can explain downtown!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well, this is all fine and good, but
it doesn't explain what happened to
my mother's body!
KYLE
Yeah! Where's Grandma?
MOB
Eeewww!
STAN
There she is!
MOB
Oooh!
MAN
Ho-hoh.
CHEF
Well thanks a lot, KoRn! You KoRn powers
really came through for us!
SHARON
Yes! We were wrong about you. Will you
please play for our Halloween party?
JONATHAN
Well, sure. Why the heck not?
MOB
All right!
PIRATE VOICE
Raarrrr!
STAN
Oh, no! The pirate ghosts are back!
ALL
Nibblet!
NIBBLET
Uh oh!
[The stage on the docks. KoRn is preparing for their concert.
The mob is spread out in front of the stage. Jonathan takes the
mic.]
JONATHAN
Well, this sure has been a wacky night,
but me and the gang learned a lot, and
we hope you did too. You all perceived
us to be mean, evil people, but, really,
we're just normal guys. And we all perceived
pirate ghosts to be real when, actually,
they were just cotton swabs. So I guess
the lesson is: it's easy to perceive
somethin' someway, and then be wrong.
So we all need to learn to be a little
less perceptive.
ALL
Yeah.
JONATHAN
The gang and I wrote a song about it,
and it goes goes a little somethin'
like this:
And a-one, and-a-two, and a [goes right into "Falling Away From
Me." The strobe lights come on, and the crowd looks a little
stunned. The fifth graders are at the very front of the crowd,
and the body of Grandma Broflovski inches up to them]
STAN
Boo!
FIFTH GRADERS
Aaaah!
STAN, KYLE
Sweet!
CARTMAN
Antonio, no! You son of a bitch chicken
from outer space... thing, come back here!
MR. GARRISON
And the winner of the costume contest
is Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume!
Come on up, Wendy.
KENNY
(Awww.)
[End of KORN's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery... Wait a minute! Dejected,
Kenny walks away slowly from the crowd. A tiny snowspeeder flies
by and wraps a cable around his costume's legs. He begins to
stumble]
KENNY
(What the hell? What the fuck is this?!)
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