"LIL' CRIME STOPPERS"
[South Park neighborhood, day. The boys walk up to Butters' house.
Stan knocks on the door. The door opens and Butters' father looks
Yes? Oh, hello, boys.
Hello, sir. South Park Junior Detectives.
We're wondering if you have any crimes
to be solved, for a dollar.
Oooo, little crime stoppers, huh? Well,
I'm afraid I don't have any crimes I
need solved right now.
All right, sir, well, please call us
if you need anything.
I'll do that. Have fun, boys.
Stupid assholes! How come nobody has
a crime to solve?
Yeah, maybe starting a detective club
isn't such a bright idea.
It's a great idea, we just have to keep
working at it.
Oh, hello there boys.
Hello, ma'am, we're detectives with
the South Park Crime Unit. Do you have
any crimes you need to be solved, for
Ohh, neighborhood detectives, huh? Well
let me thi-oh yes! There is something!
Yes. Two days ago I put a fresh baked
cherry pie out on my window sill to
cool. And later, when I went to get
it, it was gone.
Have you reported this to any other
Noo, but I think it's a perfect case
for you kids.
Cool! We'll see what we can find, ma'am.
We're on the case.
[The old woman's house, backyard.]
What have you got, Marsh?
Detective McCormick found something
Jesus, we're too late.
I think we can piece this case together
[The old woman's house, living room. She and her husband sit
back in arm chairs looking at news. The door opens and the boys
rush in with the pie tin]
My pie tin! Oooh, but what happened
to the pie?
Well, we've all talked it through and
we've come up with a theory.
Well, what do you thnk happened, little
You said you set the pie in the window
sill, where it must have sat for some
time. But its sweet smell attracted
the attention of somebody.
Your husband. He wanted that pie badly,
but he knew that he was not allowed
to eat it yet.
Slowly the rage built inside his mind.
"Why won't she let me eat that pie?
Why does she always stop me from doing
what I wanna do?!" His only solution
became obvious: Kill her!
His plan was to use a hammer.
Bash, bash, BASH your skull in, causing
Then to make it impossible for police
to identify the body, he'd use a shovel
to remove your head.
Then saw off the arms and legs.
The torso he would dump into the lake.
The arms and legs he would dissolve
with acid and lye in the bathtub.
And then, finally, he'd be able to eat
But before he could go through with
this entire plan, he discovered that
the pie had already been eaten... ...by
Looks like the game is over, old man!
Oh my God, what kind of television have
you kids been watching??
Just the news.
All right, all right, you you boys run
Hey, you owe us a dollar, lady.
Fine, here, just go!
Wow, look, you guys! Our first dollar!
We're in business!
[A basement, some time later. The dollar bill is newly framed
and hung on a wall in ... Cartman's basement, which is now the
South Park Detectives headquarters. Pictures of suspects are
on the wall below the framed dollar, a chalkboard has some instructions
listed, and some suspects already interviewed are listed on the
wall beneath the stairs. Kyle puts a file away in a filing cabinet
as the other boys do other tasks.]
Kenny, you got the f-a-g on that perp
Boys, you have a little visitor.
Is this the South Park Crime Unit?
Yes it is!
I lost my dollie.
Thank you, Ms. Secretary, that will
be all. And get some more cookies and
coffee! We're not paying you to sit
on your ass!
Do you kow where your doll is?
If I knew where it was, it wouldn't
All right, Sarah, come over here. Now,
I want you to describe what the doll
looks like to our sketch artist, Kenny.
She has curly blonde hair. And a red
dress. And a turned-up nose. And a blue
bow in her hair.
You got it, Ken?
All right, let's see. Damnit Kenny,
that's not what she said!
Put that away, dude!
Don't worry, ma'am. We'll find your
[Sarah's house, day. The boys swarm into the girl's bedroom and
check out all the possibilities.]
No sign of forced entry.
But the window isn't locked.
Right, so it's possible that the theif
sat out in that tree. He would have
watched Sarah with the doll, possibly
while cutting the palms of his hands
with a large knife. The pain gave him
Disposing of the doll wouldn't be easy.
He would have had to have brough a shovel
to decapitate it.
We're going to need semen samples from
everything in this room.
All right, let's do this by the books!
McDonnell, give me smears of all the
places the doll used to be! Mitchell,
run a tap on the phone!
Hey, kid, what are you doing?
Agent Tucker, FBI! And you?
Detective Marsh. I'm in charge of this
...Not anymore, you're not!
Hey, this is our case! You can't come
in and take over!
Can't we? You guys are playing Detective.
We're playing FBI. That gives us jurisdiction
I want choppers on the roof ready to
Dude, we've been working this case since
Good. Then you can help us by telling
me everything you know.
[Sarah's house, afternoon, outside. The boys have been kicked
out by the FBI boys and head for the sidewalk]
Son of a bitch stupid FBI!
Well, I guess we can go back to playing
No! We're not gonna stop playing detectives!
We've just gotta find that doll before
thos FBI guys do.
Yeah, but how?
We're gonna have to just start bringing
in people for questioning.
Right. I think I know exactly where
[Cartman's basement, later. The boys have called Butters in and
he's confused, being under the spotlight]
Where were you this morning at nine
Ah, I was at home.
Your story is full of holes and I'm
gonna beat your ass if you don't start
tellin' the truth!
(Awww, don't be so hard. Maybe he's
tellin' the truth, huh?)
They've gotten really good at this
good cop-bad cop thing.
You're going down, Butters! You hear
(Aw. Now just be nice. Poor lil thing.)
You're worth a two-dollar criminal and
(Aw, please don't make him confess.)
Well I don't have nothin' to confess.
Fine! Then you won't mind giving us
a semen sample.
How do I do that?
You just make the semen come out of
your body and fill it in this cup!
Well how do I make semen... come out
of my body?
Stop playing games!
I'm not playing. I really don't know!
That does it! Wait right here! Guys,
did you hear that? Butters doesn't know
how you make seme come out of your body.
How... do you make semen come out?
I don't know. I was hoping you guys
It's that thing we learned about in
school where you pull on your weiner
until white stuff comes out.
Ohh, right, you're supposed to pull
and mager...venate your weiner really
Oh okay. Okay, retard, you really don't
know how to make semen come out?!
Follow me to the bathroom.
(Aw, it's okay kid. It's just done
in a jiffy)
[The Cartman hallway. Cartman takes Butters to the restroom]
Now, go sit on the toilet and pull and
tug on your weiner until white stuff
comes out, and then put it in this cup.
Yes, retard. Semen comes from your weiner.
Now do it! Well Butters?!
Ah I'm pullin' on my weiner, but nothin's
Well pull harder!
...ow... Ow... It's not workin'
Try doin' it faster
Ow. Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.
Butters, do you wanna go to jail for
the rest of your life?!
The you'd better get that semen sample
no matter how long it takes!
Cartman! Cartman! We just got a tip
that a doll was found near Fosse's house!
[Fosse's house, a nice rambling house. Cartman approaches the
front door as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand off to one side. He
turns and places his back against the wall, then sneaks up to
a window. He looks in just a bit. Inside, a boy plays with a
doll... red dress, turned-up nose, blonde curly hair with two
blue bows attached... just as Sarah had described. Two boys giggle
as they play]
Huhuh, Okay Ms., Ms. Jones, heh, me
and Doctor... Flick here just need to...
check your vagina.
Yeah, that's gay.
I see two guys inside. They have Sarah
Peterson's doll, you stupid Jew!
They've got the doll!
Okay, okay. Ready? Break the door down!
Huh huh who is it?!
South Park Junior Detectives! We know
you have Sarah Peterson's doll!
They're playing Detective.
What do we do now?
I don't know.
Well if they're not gonna give us back
the doll, then we have no choice. Let's
go tell on them.
Dude, we just can't tell on them.
Because, dude, we're playing detectives!
Detectives don't just go tell on people.
Detectives! If you don't get out of
here, we're gonna rip the doll's head
We were playing gynecologists and now
we're playing criminals
Jesus! They're gonna kill her!
We've got to do something.
Time! Time is what we need, but time
is something we ain't got!
Attention! You in the house! This
is Agent Tucker with the FBI! We have
you surrounded. Sort of.
Hey, you buttholes can't play FBI here!
Yeah! This was our hot lead!
And you did a great job leading us here.
Now you just stay out of our way! The
gig is up, Fosse! Bring out the doll!
Or we'll tell on you!
We're gonna charge the front door and
go get it.
No you're not.
Damnit man, this is not the time for
negotiations! There's a little doll
in there about to have her head twisted
Time out, kid! We say you can't charge
the front door, and you have to obey
what the FBI says! That's the rules!
Just because your parents can afford
better toys than ours doesn't make you
better than us!
Yes it does so!
(What do we do now?)
We go get the doll ourselves.
But they said we can't charge the front
That's right. But they didn't say anything
about going in the back.
Come on guys. You don't wanna hurt that
Huhuh. Oh crap, they're coming in the
back! That's gay.
Bang bang bang! I got you, Fosse!
No you didn't!
No, 'cause I got... special wizard armor
We're not playing Dungeons and Dragons,
All right, that does it! Cover me! I'm
going slo-mo! Wwwaaahhh!
Oooh, they got me! Whooaaa, whooaaa,
rr uh rr uh, uhhhh.
We got it.
[Sarah's house, later. Stan and the boys walk up to the house
again. Stan knocks on the door, and Sarah's mother answers]
Ms. Peterson, is your daughter home?
We got her back safe. We lost a lot
of good men in the process.
Well you boys are little heroes. I'm
going to call the police department
and let them know what brave little
detectives you are!
[Park County Police Station, day. This building is much bigger
than the building Barbrady upholds the law from in South Park.]
Hello there little crime stoppers, I'm
Lieutenant Dawson with the Park County
Police. I heard you did a great job
finding Sarah Peterson's doll.
We do what we can, sir.
W-hell, that's fantastic, kids. And
for all your terrific sleuth-solving,
I'm hereby making you all Jenior Detectives.
That means you boys are now an official
part of the department.
All right, so ready for your first assignment?
Okay. There's a meth lab down at 567
Mala Vista. The operators are probably
armed to the hilt with illegal weapons.
I want you to get down there and see
what you can find!
Ah... a a a meth lab?
I don't want any problems. Just take
them down by the books. Now get over
there; the mayor's all over my ass on
this one! On, and deputies: you screw
this up and I'll have you working graveyard
shift behind a desk! Move it!
[Nighttime in the boondocks. The boys walk along a barren stretch
What is a meth lab, anyway?
I don't know. Let's just hurry up. I
wanna get home in time to watch Crime
[The meth lab. Three men sit around a table as a forth man works
behind them. The juniro detectives approach the front door. Stan
knocks. The men inside quickly arm themselves]
Uh police. Open up. ...Oh crap, did
you guys do your math homework?
Nah. Dude, I totally spaced it.
You die, pigs! You want to die, huh?
You won't take us alive!
So long, coppers!
[Park County Police Dept., Dawson's office, later that night.
He reads the police report and paces behind his desk]
One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five
thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle
valued at sixteen thousand, the second
floor of the post office AND a coffee
shop valued at sixteen thousand! The
mayor's gonna have my ass!
Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided
You got careless! Now, I don't know
how they do things down at that dog-and-pony
show they call the Fourth Grade, but
here we have rules! Jesus, we don't
have guys to question now, because you
killed them all!
One more slip-up like that and I'll
have your badges! You hear me?! Now
hit the showers!
[Park County Police Dept., locker room. Three men are changing
clothes, so they're all in their briefs. The boys enter.]
Well well well, if it isn't the supercops.
Hey Murphy, think they'll let me borrow
their G.I. Joes?
Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.
Relax, Hopkins! All fun and games,
right? Soho, tell us, rookies, you
ah... find yourself a little bonus in
Come on! We all skim a little off the
top. Oh. Or are you too good for that?
So you think you're gonna waltz in
here and clean up the system. Is that
We just wanna be junior detectives.
LOOK, we all work hard! And we deserve
more than the thirty-thousand a year
we get paid! So what if we take in a
little on the side?
Yeah! Who the hell are you to say that?!
I said, back off Murphy!
Why don't you and your rookie friends
That's right. Come on, bring it!
Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!
What the hell is the problem here??
No problem, sir. No problem at all.
Then hit the showers, all of ya!
[The shower room, moments later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are
taking their showers. Kyle drops his soap to fart, then picks
it up again. Cartman works on his hair]
Dude, I don't wanna play Detective anymore.
It'll get better, guys.
Better how, dude?
Look, we said we wanted to form a club
to protect and serve South Park. We
put all this time to it, I mean... What
do you guys wanna do, huh? Go back to
playing Car Mechanics? Or Laundromat
We were happy playing Laundromat Owners.
I wasn't. We started playing Detective
because we wanted our play time to mean
something. Or have you forgotten why
you joined the force, Kyle?
Hey! Broflovski's a good cop!
You guys can go back to playing Laundromat
Owners if you want, but... I'm not gonna
give those kids playing the FBI a chance
to laugh at us. See you guys at school
[Cartman's house, night. His door opens, and a tired Cartman
Eric, where have you been? It's ten
We had to take down a meth lab on Mala
Well you should've called Mommy.
Will you get off my back?! It's hard
enough I gotta work the beat, and now
I gotta come home to your nagging?!
Look look, I'm I'm sorry. It's just
this case, and... the guys down at the
station, I... I'm tired, alright? I'm
Well, why don't you get ready for snoogums'
night-night, and I'll bring you some
toasty chocolate nummers?
Are you still trying to give a semen
Well I'm tryin', but nothin's comin'
Well, keep tryin', Butters.
Okay. Ow. Ooww!
[South Park Elementary, day. The boys are in class, sleeping.
As Butters was at home at 9 am the previous day, this day is
And so you can see, children, that the
women's movement of the late fifties
and the early sixties had a profound
effect on feminism in America. Uh,
boys! Would it trouble you terribly
not to sleep in my class?
Uh wu we weren't sleeping, Mr. Garrison.
Oh well, then maybe you can tell me
who was in charge of the feminist movement
of the early sixties!
A bunch of fat old skanks on their
Right, but who was the fattest oldest
skank on her period?! That's what I
thought! Now pay attention! Okay, children,
now, the biggest fatass was an old skank
by the name of-
Marsh! Broflovski! McCormick! Cartman!
In my office!
[Park County Police Department, later. The boys walk in sleepily.
Dawson holds a file in his right hand]
Looks like that meth lab you took down
was the tip of the iceberg. They found
a paper trail leading all the way to
the biggest crime syndicate in Colorado.
The operators apparently run their business
out of a sleazy strip joint down in
Inglewood. They're all cop killers,
so I'm sending you in undercover.
Uh, sir, d'I have a lot of homework
to do tonight and I was-
What?! Now you listen to me! I'm givin'
you one last chance! You're good cops,
but you let your emotions get in the
way! And your little "shoot first ask
questions later" technique has no place
in this century! Now you get down to
that strip joint and you do it by the
books, you got it?! The mayor is on
my ass and blablablah!
So, what did you boys have to say to
Nothing, he just told us a bunch of
Maybe you decided you needed to tell
him about our... bonus money.
[Inglewood, Colorado, night. A big city. The strip club shown
is The Peppermint Hippo. Inside there are several dancers undulating
for their patrons on individual stages. Other dancers dance on
the club floor for individual patrons. The boys enter the club]
Dude, if my mom knew I was in here,
I would be in super big trouble.
Would you like a dance?
Dance? Anyone like a dance?
Well all right, guests, put your hands
together. Be sure to tip the dancers.
And now, come on, let's here it for
Whoa whoa, what the hell are you kids
doin' in here? This isn't an appropriate
place for children
Dance? Anyone like a dance?
Uh, it's okay. We know the owner.
Oh, really? Let's go see.
[The Peppermint Hippo back room. Nice opulent place.]
All right, so we'll have to start havin'
the McCormicks make our meth again and-
Hey Gino, these kids say they know you.
What? Ha-I don't know no kids.
I didn't think so. All right, you kids-
Hey wait a minute. These kids might
be just what we need to get our drugs
past the security at DIA. How would
you like to join our family?
Yo Gino, I know I've seen these kids
before, man. These kids are 5-0!
These kids are cops, man!
Bang bang bang...
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
Bang bang bang...
Kenny, it doesn't go "Pakew! Pakew!",
it goes "BANG BANG BANG!!"
God damnit! Those junior detectives
and their heroicly reckless ways! Murphy!
Jenkins! Hopkins! Get in there!
Dance??? Anybody like a dance???
Freeze! South Park detectives! Great
job, boys. You found the meth boss!
Detective Murphy! Jenkins! Uh what the
hell are you doing? We had a deal.
That's right. We're partners in the
drug business. Everything was fine until
these "supercops" joined the force.
Now we've gotta kill you all.
Huh alright guys, put your hands together,
a lot of shootin' and killin' goin'
on, but be sure to tip your waitress
let's hear it for Rebecca.
Christ! Those junior detectives have
no regard for the law!
LEAD FBI AGENT
Get me a hard line to the phone! And
I want choppers on the roof!
Who the hell are you??
LEAD FBI AGENT
Agent Fields, FBI!
Hey, I'm in charge of this investigation.
Not anymore, you're not.
But that's not fair!
Is so! Is so!
Sorry, Detective Hopkins. We can't let
anybody know about our partnership.
That's right. We split it all, fifty-fifty!
That's right. I think we'll take a
hundred percent now.
Huhuh yeah. Sorry, Gino, but in business
like this, sometimes partnerships need
That's right. Sometimes partnerships
need to end. Well, supercops, looks
like I'll be taking in all the money
now. I'm in business alone. And that
means that the only person I can't trust...
[Outside the Peppermint Club. The paramedics have arrived and
are removing the bodies. Hopkins, up and about, reaches the boys]
It looks like Murphy and Jenkins got
what they deserved. If it weren't for
you boys, we would have never cleaned
up the department.
All right, detectives, let's get one
thing straight! I do not agree with
your methods! You're uncontrolled, and
you're negligent! But by God you get
the job done. Congratulations!
I'm probably going to regret this, but,
well, I'm promoting you to full detectives.
There'll be lots of action, and that
big paycheck you've always wanted.
...I think I have a better idea.
[Cartman's basement, next day. The boys are back at playing Laundromat.
The wall under the stairs has been removed to show the washer
and dryer, which are now framed by a doorway saying "Employees
Only." Two clothes racks are seen, and the detectives' desks
are refashioned as washer/dryer combos. A "Laundromat" sign on
the wall looks over the whole thing]
Hello, sir. Welcome to the Broflovski
Yes, I have a suit that needs to be
dry-cleaned. And pressed, please.
Here you are, Mister McCormick. Your
laundry is all done and folded. That
will be nine ninety five. On your American
Fellas! Hehey fellas! I got it! Ah
I got my semen sample!
Yeah. I was up there poundin' my weiner
for two days straight, aaand finally,
I thought about Stan's Mom's boobs,
and this little timy spooge of... this
white stuff came out.
That's great, Butters, but we're not
playing Detective anymore. We're playing
Would you like those pants cleaned for
four ninety five?