"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 216
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHARLIE MANSON!"
Written by
Trey Parker & Nancy Pimental
[The Marsh house. The family is in the living room]
SHARON
The answer is "no", Stanley!
STAN
But Mom, all the guys are going to Cartman's
Grandma's for the weekend!
SHARON
I'm sorry, Stanley. I can't let you
go all the way to Nebraska by yourself.
It's the holidays.
STAN
But all the other guys get to go to
Cartman's Grandma's; why can't I?
SHARON
I'll leave it up to your father.
RANDY
Eh, it's fine with me.
SHARON
The answer is no, Stanley! Now go wash
up for supper!
STAN
I don't want your lame-ass supper!
SHELLEY
Ew! You're gonna get it now!
SHARON
Go to your room, Stanley! Right now!
STAN
Can't tell me what to do! I'm eight
years old! I don't need this stupid
family anyway!
[Outside the Cartman house. Liane is packing the boys' gear into
her station wagon. Kyle's parents and Kenny's parents are seeing
them off]
KYLE'S MOTHER
It's so nice of you to take all the
boys with you
LIANE
Oh, it's my pleasure. Eric loves his
little friends.
CARTMAN
Every time I go to my Grandma's house,
she gives me a present. You watch: as
soon as I walk in the door she'll hand
me a biiig present, for no reason, except
that I'm cool.
KYLE
That's nice, Cartman.
STUART
Now, remember, if they have left-over
turkey, put some in a bag and bring
it home, okay?
KENNY
(Okay.)
STAN
Okay, let's go!
CARTMAN
Oh, I didn't think you were coming,
Stan.
STAN
'Course I'm coming! Come on, let's hurry!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Goodbye, bubbe! Be careful!
STUART
See you in a couple of days, son.
CARTMAN
Shotgun! It's my car, I call it first:
shotgun! Kenny, I called it shotgun!
Damn it, Kenny, get in the back! Hey,
Kenny, there's a sale on orange jackets
over there. Look, Kenny, there's an
elephant parade! Ken-ny. Kenny, look.
Look! Go get it , Go get it! ha ha
ha, you poor piece o'crap.
STAN
So, how far is it to Nebraska?
LIANE
Around six hours.
KYLE
Oh my God! What the hell are we gonna
do for six hours?
LIANE
Well, I've got an idea. We could sing.
STAN
Yeah. Or, we could not.
CARTMAN
Let's sing that one Grandma song, Ma.
How does it go?
LIANE
Over the meadow and through the woods,
Liane and Cartman To Grandmother's house we go.
The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh
Through white and drifted snow.
4 HOURS LATER
Liane and Cartman Over the meadow and through the woods,
To Grandmother's house we go.
The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh
KYLE
Please stop.
Liane and Cartman Through white and drifted snow.
KYLE
Please stop!
Liane and Cartman Over the meadow and through the woods,
To Grandmother's house we go.
CARTMAN
Aah!
LIANE
Ooo, careful hon. These roads are bumpy.
CARTMAN
I guess, damn!
LIANE
Here we go, kids. We're crossing the
state line into Nebraska.
STAN
This is Nebraska?
KYLE
What's all that stuff?
LIANE
Wheat. The building block of your favorite
foods, and, Nebraska's principal source
of economic productivity. You see, when
Nebraska first became-
CARTMAN
We don't care, Mom.
KYLE
Hey, look! See Mr. Hankey at the Mall
of Nebraska… Wow! We have to go, dude!
STAN
Dude, I thought Mr. Hankey lived in
the sewer. What's he doing in Nebraka?
KYLE
I don't know. Ever since he was in
that movie, he got all famous.
CARTMAN
Oh, so now everybody wants to meet Mr.
Hankey! He's a piece of crap.
KYLE
It doesn't matter. He'll be most excited
to meet me!
LIANE
That shouldn't be a problem. Eric's
Grandma is right near the mall.
KYLE
Cool!
CARTMAN
How much further is it to Grandma's
house? I wanna see what kind of present
she got me.
LIANE
About another hour, hon.
CARTMAN
Why does Grandma have to live so far
away? Why don't we just stick her in
a nursing home closer to us so I don't
have to drive six hours to get a god-damned
present!
LIANE
Now, Eric, let's try to get out of that
grumpy mood before we get to Grandma's.
Over the meadow and through the woods,
Liane and Cartman To Grandmother's house we go.
KYLE
Oh, God.
Liane and Cartman The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh
Through white and drifted snow.
[Later… Cartman's Grandma's house. Cartman's singing is heard
approaching]
CARTMAN
Over the meadow and through the woods…
LIANE
Here we are.
KYLE
Jesus Christ, finally!
CARTMAN
Grandmagrandmagrandmagrandma!
MAN
Oh, it's little Eric!
CARTMAN
Hi, Grandpa!
GRANDPA
Look at how big you've gotten!
GRANDMA
Hi, Eric. Grandma got you a present.
CARTMAN
Sweet. What is it?
GRANDMA
It's inside.
CARTMAN
Yyyes! Move it!
LIANE
Hello everyone. Happy Holidays!
EVERYONE
Hello.
LIANE
These are Eric's friends: Stan, Kyle,
and Kenny. Boys, let me introduce you
to the Cartman family. This is Uncle
Stinky.
UNCLE STINKY
Nice to have you heuh.
LIANE
Aunt Lisa, Cousin Fred, Cousin Alexandra
, Fat Bob, Jimmy , and Great-Grandma
Florence
FLORENCE
Come here, Eric. Give you great-grandma
some huggies.
Kyle AAA!
LIANE
No, no, Florence. That's not Eric.
FLORENCE
Oh, which one is he, then?
STAN
He's the fat one.
GRANDMA
He's not fat, he's big-boned.
CARTMAN
I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. Ech.
KYLE
That was totally gross. She smelled
like vitamins amd pee.
STAN
Sick, dude.
CARTMAN
Al-righty then. Let's get to my presents,
shall we?
GRANDMA
Here you go, Eric. Hap-py Holidays!
CARTMAN
Wait a minute. This isn't a present,
it's a shirt!
GRANDMA
Yes. I thought that would look really
good on you.
CARTMAN
Are you telling me that I drove nine
hours thrugh butt-fucking nowhere to
get a god-damned shirt?! Mom, Grandma's
gone senile! It's time to stick her
in a home!
[The dining room. The thirteen are seated around it. The TV is
at the foot of the table, on its own chair]
GRANDPA
Well, this is what the holidays are
about. Family.
STAN
Yeah, right!
GRANDPA
Well, what does your family do for the
holidays, Stan?
STAN
My family's dead!
LIANE
Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that, Stanley.
KYLE
Dude, your family died?
STAN
They're dead to me. My mom doesn't even
know I'm here.
KYLE
What?!
CARTMAN
I can't believe I got a stupid shirt!
The holidays are bullcrap!
LIANE
Here, Kyle. Will you hold Great-Grandma's
catheter bag during dinner?
KYLE
What is this??
LIANE
Great-Grandma has a bladder problem.
This helps her out.
KYLE
Sick, dude!
LIANE
Eric, did you say 'hi' to your little
cousin Elvin?
CARTMAN
Hi, cousin Elvin.
ELVIN
Sweet.
GRANDPA
Well, it certainly is nice we could
all gather heuh for the holidays. Even
Uncle Howard has joined us live, via
satellite, from the state penitentiary.
KYLE
Whoa, dude!
GRANDMA
Yyou look good, Howard.
HOWARD
No I don't.
LIANE
Hi, Howard.
STAN
Dude, is he here every year like this?
CARTMAN
Yyup!
ELVIN
Sweet!
KYLE
AAWW!
HOWARD
Come on, let's eat already! They gave
me extra bread and water!
GRANDMA
Where's your manners, Howard? We haven't
even said Grace yet? Mom, will you do
the honors of saying Grace?
FLORENCE
God-damn it, why the hell do I always
have to say Grace? If one more person
asks me to say Grace, I'll be like,
"Eh! I'm not saying Grace! And if you
ask me again, I'll kick you square ,
in the nuts!"
CARTMAN
Amen.
ALL
Ah-men.
KYLE
Jesus, dude!
GRANDPA
No, Jimmy! This is my pot pie! No,
Jimmy! That's a bad Jimmy!
CARTMAN
Bad Jimmy!
GRANDMA
No, Jimmy, that's Grandpa's pot pie!
STAN
Dude, I don't know how long I can stay
here.
KYLE
I know what you mean.
[Night time. The boys are asleep in the basement.]
KYLE
AaaAAah!
STAN
What, dude?
KYLE
Dude, I was having this horrible nightmare
that we were at this house, and it was
fille with Cartmans!
STAN
Kyle, we are in a house filled with
Cartmans.
KYLE
Oh. AaaAAah!
STAN
What was that?
KYLE
I heard it, too.
CARTMAN
Whatever it is, it's getting closer.
OW! What the hell was that for!
STAN
I wanted to make sure we're not dreaming.
CARTMAN
Ow!
KYLE
I wanted to make sure, too.
CARTMAN
Yuhwell, you're NOT DREAMING! Ey! Cut
the crap!
KYLE
Dude, it's coming through the window!
CARTMAN
Uncle Howard!
UNCLE HOWARD
Oh. Hey, Eric. I didn't think anybody'd
be down here.
CARTMAN
Uncle Howard, what are you doing here?!
STAN
We thought you were in jail.
HOWARD
Yeah, well I'b I busted out.
CARTMAN
Wow, cool!
HOWARD
Sshhhh! You can't let the rest of the
family know I'm here.
CARTMAN
Okay.
HOWARD
If it's okay, we're just gonna hang
out here for a couple of days with you
kids.
CARTMAN
Who's we? You got a turd in your pocket?
Hahahaha.
HOWARD
Come on up, it's okay. Another inmate
busted out with me. Don't worry, he's
a good guy.
INMATE
Oh, hi boys. I'm Charlie. Charlie Manson.
[The next day. Manson looks out the window]
MANSON
I can't wait to get out among the pigs
and raise some hell.
HOWARD
All right, Chuck, but we gotta lay low
for a while.
MANSON
When I stand up on the mountain and
say, "Do it!", it gets done! And it
it don't get done, then I'll move on
it! And that's the last thing in the
world you wamt me to do.
HOWARD
All right, Chuck. Let's watch some TV
or something.
ANNOUNCER
Now back to, "It's A Wonderful Life"
GEORGE BAILEY
You-oo you just can't buy people, Mr.
Potter, wuh. Why, you know what you
are? You're a little bitch. That's
right, you're a bitch, and I bet you'd
like to suck it, wouldn't you?
STAN
Wake up, Cartman, we've got to get
to the mall.
CARTMAN
What?
KYLE
We have to go see Mr. Hankey at the
mall, Cartman.
CARTMAN
All right, keeps your pants on.
HOWARD
Hey, bring us down some food, all right?
CARTMAN
Okay.
[The living room. Football is on]
STINKY
Come on, Team!
CARTMAN
Can somebody drive us to the mall?
ANNOUNCER
Touchdown!
THE ADULTS
Yeah!
CARTMAN
Hello, Mr. Hankey is appearing at the
mall. Can somebody please take us?
ANNOUNCER
And these Cornhuskers have the ball
on the 50-yard line!
CARTMAN
Uncle Stinky, can you drive us to the
mall?
STINKY
Not now, Eric. Hold him! He has him!
Where's the flag?!
CARTMAN
Uncle Stinky, my stupid friends want
to see Mr. Hankey! You have to take
us!
STINKY
I said "no," and I mean "no!" Respect
my authorituh!
CARTMAN
Damn his Goddamned authorituh!
ANNOUNCER
With only 16 seconds left, the Cornhu-
SPECIAL
REPORT
REPORTER
We interrupt this broadcast for a news
bulletin.
STINKY
What?!
REPORTER
Mass murderer and extremely nasty person
Charles Manson has escaped from prison!
Manson was the man responsible for seven
murders in the late '60's. Manson has
never shown any signs of remorse for
his crimes. If you see Manson, please
kick his ass and smash his fucking face
in for me, and then call the police.
And now back to the game.
ANNOUNCER
And they've done it! They've scored
16 unanswered points in 15 seconds!
THE ADULTS
Oh, weak!
GRANDMA
Eric, I need you to take care of your
cousin Elvin for a while.
CARTMAN
I don't wanna take care of Cousin Elvin!
GRANDMA
Won't yo do it for Grandma?
CARTMAN
All right. Give me $10.
ELVIN
Kick ass!
[the basement. Manson is still watching the TV]
GEORGE BAILEY
Oh, Mary. Mary, you're real!
HOWARD
Chuck, can you turn that thing down?
GEORGE BAILEY
Hello, movie house! Hello, burger parlor!
MANSON
You know what the spirit of Christmas
is? It's another lie, from the lyin'
pigs that consider me the witness-!
HOWARD
Okay, Chuck! Thank you very much!
CARTMAN
My family sucks ass!
KYLE
Yeah, they do!
STAN
All families suck ass!
CARTMAN
Here. We got you some sticky cinnamon
buns.
HOWARD
Wow, sweet!
MANSON
Heyyy!
KYLE
Dude, we have to get to the mall!!
ELVIN
You guys, seriously!
HOWARD
What's the matter?
CARTMAN
My stupid friends want to go to the
mall to visit Mr. Hankey, but nobody
would drive us.
HOWARD
Oh, bummer.
MANSON
I'll take you!
HOWARD
Uh, that's okay, Chuck. You just keep
watching Christmas specials.
MANSON
Hey, I didn't bust out of prison to
be locked up in somebody's basement!
I want some action!
KYLE
Good for you, Charlie!
MANSON
Come on! I'll hot-wire your Grandpa's
car!
STAN
Do you really think we should go with
this guy?
CARTMAN
Stan, don't be such a dumbass. You have
to trust people.
[Outside. The boys, Manson, and Elvin head for the station wagon]
MANSON
All right, boys, keep your heads down!
We're goin' to the mall!
THE BOYS
Hooray!
[South Park, The Marsh house]
SHARON
I just can't believe he would go without
our permission!
RANDY
Now, Sharon, don't overreact. Maybe
Stan didn't go to Cartman's Grandmaother's.
Maybe he just ran away or got kidnapped
or something.
SHARON
Well, I hope for his sake you're right.
LIANE
Hello?
SHARON
Hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon, Stan's
mother. Did Stanley go up there to Nebraska
with you?
LIANE
Oh, why yes he did. I thought you were
dead, Sharon.
SHARON
Wwhat?!
LIANE
Stanley told me you had passed on. I'm
glad to see that you're better.
SHARON
Get the car, Randy! We're going to
Nebraska!
SHELLEY
Ooooo, Stan's in trouble!
[Mall of Nebraska]
KYLE
Do you see him?
STAN
Not yet. I think we still have a ways
to go.
KYLE
I can't wait to see him! He's gonna
be so glad we came!
KID
I drove all the way from Montana to
see Mr. Hankey.
KYLE
That's nice, kid. I knew Mr. Hankey
before he was even famous.
CARTMAN
How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so pupular?
Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff.
ELVIN
Mr. Hankey kicks ass!
CARTMAN
And another thing: it says that Mr.
Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads
Mall!
KYLE
So?!
CARTMAN
So, how can Mr. Hankey be here, and
in another mall at the same time?
KYLE
Dude, Mr. Hankey has magic powers. He
can do whatever he wants.
MANSON
How would you like to come with me
to a more secluded part of the mall?
KENNY
(Okay)
STAN
I really like that guy.
CARTMAN
Oh, it looks like you finished your
Fudgecicle, Elvin. God damnit, be quiet,
Elvin! Shut up, Elvin! No, Elvin, bad
Elvin!
[Sweet Box, your music box headquarters. Manson and Kenny are
looking around]
MANSON
Folks need to understand that I am
terror! I am fear! I am-! Oh, hey look,
another holiday special.
VOICE-OVER
And now, back to "The Grinchy Poo"
NARRATOR
Grinchy Poo went up the chimney and
stuffed the tree up
But then he heard a coo, like the cry of a dove
It was little Cindy Lou Poo, who was no more than two
"Mr. Hankey, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree, why?"
And Old Grinchy Poo thought of a line, and he thought it up quick…
[Lollyland. a mall worker dressed as a Hankey elf, covered in
Hankey kisses, approaches the boys]
HANKEY ELF
All right, boys, you're up next. Welcome
to Mr. Hankey's Happy Lollyland!
Kyle [elated] Hoh, boy. Here we go!
MALL HANKEY
Howdy ho, boys.
STAN
Mr. Hankey?
MALL HANKEY
Gosh, you boys smell like flowers.
KYLE
You're not the real Mr. Hankey.
MALL HANKEY
Sure I am! Howdy ho!
STAN
You look a lot bigger than the last
time we saw you.
MALL HANKEY
Well, Mr. Hankey has to grow too, you
know. Howdy ho!
HANKEY ELF
You boys want your picture with Mr.
Hankey?
KYLE
This is not Mr. Hankey! This is a fake!
MALL HANKEY
It's okay, kids. I'm real. Hoowwdy ho!
KIDS
Hoowwdy ho!
KYLE
Why are you people doing this? Why would
you lie like this? To children?
MALL HANKEY
Look, kid. There's Mr. Hankeys like
me in every shopping mall. There is
no real Mr. Hankey.
KYLE
What?! What did you say?!
STAN
Oh, boy. You've done it now.
MALL HANKEY
Huh??
KYLE
Behold! Here's your false prophet!
KIDS
Boo!
MALL HANKEY
Oh!
KIDS
Die!
MALL HANKEY
Ow!
KID 1
Get out!
KIDS
You son of a bitch! Rip it down! Get
out!
GIRL
You lied to me, Mother. You said it
was the real Mr. Hankey.
MOTHER
Uhwwell, yes, but-
GIRL
I will not forget this, Mother. I will
not forget this, ever.
KID
This is revolution!
MALL HANKEY
Wah-hahow!
SECURITY GUARD 1
Uh oh, they're rioting again.
[Back at the Sweet Box…]
NARRATOR
And all the poos down in Pooville joined
hands and they sang
They sang all the same
And he himself, the Grinchy Poo, carved the roast poo.
MANSON
Wow, man. That's beautiful. He was
evil, but now he's good.
[At what was Lollyland. A battering ram comes through a wall
and eveyone scatters. Police in riot gear pour in behind it]
OFFICER 1
What's happening?
OFFICER 2
Some kid must have said it wasn't the
real Mr. Hankey again.
CARTMAN
I told you guys. The holiday season
is nothing but lies and bullcrap!
MANSON
Well, how was it?
KYLE
It was a fake!
MANSON
Oh, I'm sorry.
KYLE
Cartman was right! The holiday season
is for idiots!
STAN
Where did you go, Uncle Charlie?
MANSON
Uh, I went to a beauty parlor and had
my tatto redone. Look!
CARTMAN
Oh, uh that's pretty cool.
STAN
Hey. Where's Kenny?
MANSON
Oh. He's… around.
KENNY
(Hey, you guys. I'm right here.)
STAN
Oh, hey Kenny.
MANSON
Come on, I'll buy you kids an orange
Smoothie.
THE BOYS
Ooooo!
OFFICER
Hey, there he is! That's Charlie Manson!
MANSON
Run for your lives, boys!
CARTMAN
Ugh! Wait! You guys. Seriously.
OFFICER
Come back here, God damnit! He's getting
away!
MANSON
Keep your heads down, kids!
CARTMAN
Ey! What the hell is wrong with you
people?!
KYLE
I can't believe they would put a fake
Mr. Hankey in a mall! If Mr. Hankey
ever found out, he'd be so pissed!
[Grandma's house. A news bulletin is heard]
ANNOUNCER
We interrupt this program for a breaking
news story.
REPORTER
A high speed car chase is happening
right now on interstate 3. We go now
to our live sky-fi helicopter.
SKY-FI REPORTER
Ron, it looks as though the chase is
proceeding west down the interstate.
GRANDMA
Oh, that looks a lot like your car,
Harold.
SKY-FI REPORTER
We undertand that Charles Manson is
inside the car with several hostages,
all of whom are children My God, what
is this world coming to? Well, we'd
like to take a moment to tell you that
this car chase is being brought to you
by Snacky S'mores , creamy bonbon s'mores
in a delightful cookie crunch.
[The highway. More shots taken at the wagon]
MANSON
They're gaining on us!
OFFICER
Fudgecicle!
ELVIN
Kickass!
KYLE
God, I hate the holiday season!
[Masnon pulls into Grandma's driveway. Grandma stands outside]
GRANDMA
Oh, hello kids. Having fun-?
MANSON
Get in the house!
GRANDMA
Alrighty, then.
CARTMAN
Lock the door!
BIG BLONDE
Oh my God, it's Charlie Manson! Whoa!
HAROLD
What's going on?
STAN
There's a bunch of policemen chasing
after us!
STINKY
Quiet down, we're watching television.
TERRANCE
Oh, Phillip, what a precious gift!
PHILLIP
That's right, Terrance. This is the
season for sharing.
HOWARD
The cops are here!
GRANDMA
Howard!
HAROLD
How did you get out, son?
[Outside. The officers have hunkered down.]
POLICE CHIEF
All right, Manson, we know you're in
there! Come out peacefully, and we'll
shoot you!
OFFICER
Tell him we won't shoot him, Boss.
POLICE CHIEF
Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. Come
out peacefully, and we won't shoot you!
GRANDMA
Oh, look. Police Chief Stevens got a
new haircut.
HOWARD
Get down, Ma!
MANSON
Hey, man, don't point a gun at your
own mother!
HOWARD
What the hell is wrong with you, Manson?
You're acting all funny! Everybody just
sit down and shut up! We're not going
back to the big house!
HAROLD
Well, Howard, you've done it again!
You've ruined Christmas!
[Outside Grandma's house. The press shows up]
FIELD REPORTER
This is Robert Pooner reporting live
from Nebraska, where escaped convict
Charlie Manson has walled himself up
in a house. We understand that there
are hostages, and that the situation
is critical, , so we would like to remind
you all that this live hostage crisis
is being brought to you by Palmoral
Sun Block . Remember, if it isn't Palmoral,
you're gonna get cancer.
[Off camera, the Marshes drive up and get out. Sharon approaches
the police]
SHARON
What's going on here?!
CHIEF STEVENS
We've got a critical situation, ma'am.
Charlie Manson is holding everybody
inside hostage.
SHARON
Is this the Cartman residence?
CHIEF STEVENS
Yes, ma'am.
SHARON
Give me that! Stnaley! This is your
mother!
[Inside]
STAN
Oh ooh.
KYLE
What's your mom doing here, dude?
SHARON
Young man, I have had it! You have
disobeyed me for the last time!
HOWARD
Wow, she's really pissed.
MANSON
I'm glad I'm not you right now, kid.
[Outside]
SHARON
What do you have to say for yourself,
Stanley?!
STAN
…Sorry.
ROBERT POONER
Still more developments in the Manson
hostage crisis. Uh, it appears now that
eight-year-old Stan Marsh is in BIG,
big trouble. He apparently disobeyed
his parents, left home without telling
them, and uh, Tom, his- his mother is
very disappointed with him.
HOWARD
Damn it! What are we gonna do?
FLORENCE
Sshhhh! We're watching television.
[Terrance and Phillip are teasing a reindeer with a red nose
- Rudolph. Terrance runs up and farts on its face, and the deer
flinches. Terrance runs back as both men laugh.]
PHILLIP
Waitwaitwaitwait.
TERRANCE
Check out this one.
PHILLIP
Hold on, hold on. Over here, over here.
TERRANCE
Okay, here I come, okay.
PHILLIP
Okay, waitwait waitwait.
[The living room]
CHIEF STEVENS
Come out with your hands up!
HOWARD
Damnit, Dad, why didn't you put a back
door on this house?!
HAROLD
Well, there's that old window in the
bathroom; you could probably squeeze
through theor.
HOWARD
That's it! We're going out the bathroom
window! Come on, Manson!
MANSON
But I gotta see what happens.
HOWARD
Come on, damn it! Well, it's good seeing
you all. Don't move until we're gone
or I'll shoot you dead. Happy holidays.
THE ADULTS
Happy holidays.
STAN
Dude, they're gonna kill me.
POLICE CHIEF STEVENS
All right, Manson, this is it! We're
coming in after you! There's gonna be
a lo-o-ot of bloodshed, and a lot of
innocent people are gonna die! You've
got until 100-Marshmallow to come out!
OFFICER
1-Marshmallow, 2-Marshmallow,…
[The bathroom. Howard works on the window]
HOWARD
All right, it's open! Let's go!
STAN
'Scuse me. I wanna go with you.
MANSON
Huh?!
STAN
Please, I don't wanna go back with them.
MANSON
But Stan, your mother and father are
out there!
STAN
I know! They've come to punish me. All
they wanna do is make me pay for comin'
to Nebraska in the first place.
HOWARD
All right, kid, you can come. Now, let's
go.
MANSON
Stan, I wanna talk to you about family.
STAN
What?!
HOWARD
What?!
MANSON
You see, I had a family once. At least,
I called them my family. Really, they
were nothin' but a gang of people I
thought were my friends. Ah after we
killed a bunch of people together, I
realized that my real family was who
took care of me, and who took the time
to care about what I did.
STAN
But they don't care about me, they just
want to punish me.
MANSON
If they don't care about you, would
they have driven nine hours to Nebraska?
STAN
I guess you're right, Uncle Charlie.
Thanks.
HOWARD
Now can we go??
MANSON
No, Howard. You go ahead. I've got something
to say.
HOWARD
Oh, weak!
[The living room. Manson walks in]
MANSON
Folks, I apologize for this whole mess.
I'm going to surrender. Somebody show
the police a white flag.
[Outside. The countdown continues]
OFFICER
90-Marshmallow, 91-Marshmallow This
is making me hungry for marshmallows
92-Marshmallow
CHIEF STEVENS
Look out, he's got a white flag!
MANSON
Oh my God, they killed the little orange-coat
kid!
KYLE
You bastards!
CHIEF STEVENS
They're surrendering!
COPS
Okay, grab a hold of him. You're under
arrest, buddy.
BLOND COP
All right you, spread 'em!
CHIEF STEVENS
You're going back to prison to rot,
Manson!
MANSON
Good! I deserve to!
CHIEF STEVENS
What??
MANSON
I can never make it up to the families
that I destroyed, but at least I'll
make an example for anyone else thinking
that crime is an answer.
CHIEF STEVENS
Stop that.
MANSON
You see, I get it now! I finally understand
what the holidays are all about. Boys,
don't you see? You can't let things
get you down during the holidays, because
being happy is what the holidays are
all about!
KYLE
Charlie's right! I'm not gonna let some
fake Mr. Hankey spoil my holidays.
MANSON
I've been such a bastard all these years,
and I finally understand. And it it
it feals great! I'f I feel like, I feel
like I'm in my own Christmas special.
You see,
Holidays are that special time
When we laugh and sing and feel warm and cozy
Forget about being angry for a day
[picks Elvin up]
Remember how it felt to be a child
Opening presents on Christmas mornin'
That's the way that we should all feel now
So I say Happy happy happy happy holy happy happy happy
Holidays
EVERYONE ELSE
Happy happy happy happy holy happy happy
happy
Holidays
MANSON
Happy Kwanzaa, too.
From me, to you.
Happy Holidays, you guys.
CHIEF STEVENS
Happy Holidays, Bob.
OFFICER BOB
Happy Holidays, Chief.
CHIEF STEVENS
Come on, Manson. You belong in jail
MANSON
You're darn right I do.
HOWARD
Well, I guess I'll be going, Mom and
Dad. I hope you can forgive me.
GRANDMA
Oh, of course we forgive you, son. It
was nice of you to pop in for the holidays.
GRANDPA
Yes. Now, watch that ass in prison,
son.
HOWARD
I always do. See ya, Eric. Thanks for
all your help.
CARTMAN
See ya, Uncle Howard. Thanks for being
such a great role model for me. Piece
of crap!
STAN
I hope you can forgive me, too, Mom.
SHARON
Oh, Stanley. Let's just forget the whole
thing and have a nice holiday back home.
STAN
Really??
RANDY
Sure. We'll punish you after the holidays.
STAN
Hooray! Uh, I mean, wait. What?
ROBERT POONER
And so, Manson is hauled off to jail
to rot in his cell. Everything is back
to normal, and I guess the only thing
left to say is, God bless us, every
one.
[Nebraska State Penitentiary]
MANSON
And I guess that's what I've learned.
I'm sorry for what I did, but that doesn't
make up for it. I deserve to be in jail.
All I hope is that I don't make mankind
lose faith in itself. Yes, there's murderers
in the world. There's rapists and thieves.
But those are the vast minority. The
majority of mankind is made up of caring
people, who try every day to do what
they think is right. And that's the
spirit of the season. What do you think,
guys?
INMATE
It sucks, just like all your other books.
MANSON
Well, Guh Good night, you guys. Happy
Holidays.
INMATE
Shut up!
MANSON
What was that What the?!
THE CARTMANS AND THE BOYS
Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson!
"Hark," the herald angels sing,
"Glory to the newborn King.
Peace on earth, and mercy mild.
God and sinners reconciled."
[Manson jons them] Joyful all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
"Hark," the herald angels sing,
STAN
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right
here.
[End of Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson!]
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