"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 901
"MR GARRISON'S FANCY NEW VAGINA"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Trinidad Medical Center, day. A very modern, futuristic-looking
building is seen behind the sign. Inside, a doctor approaches
a patient]
DOCTOR
Hello, Mr. Garrison, I'm Dr. Biber.
I'll be performing your surgery today.
MR. GARRISON
God bless you, Doctor. I know you'll
make me well again.
DR. BIBER
Now, you're absolutely sure you want
a vaginoplasty?
MR. GARRISON
My whole life I've been a woman trapped
in a man's body. A sex-change operation
is my last chance at happiness.
DR. BIBER
All right, then let's begin. Just relax,
Mr. Garrison. I think if more people
could just see a sex-change operation,
they would know how perfectly natural
it is. The first thing I'm going to
do is slice your balls.
MR. GARRISON
Ough, ergh. Eww.
DR. BIBER
With the scrotum open, I can now discard
of your testicles.
MR. GARRISON
So long, balls.
DR. BIBER
Now, I'll just continue the incision
up the shaft of the penis.
MR. GARRISON
Oh, that stings.
DR. BIBER
Now I'll just... turn your... penis
inside out.
MR. GARRISON
OH! Oh jeez.
DR. BIBER
All we need to do now is ...stuff the
...unskinned penis inside your... pelvis...
And now I'll use the skin from your
penis to make vaginal lips.
MR. GARRISON
Do I look like a woman?
DR. BIBER
Pretty much.
[Denver Convention Center, day. All-State Basketball Tryouts
are being held there. TODAY! Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny show
up courtside through entrance 51A. Kyle, #4, is in South Park
Elementary's basketball uniform.]
STAN
Dude, don't be nervous.
KYLE
How can I not be nervous? Trying out
for the All-State team has been my dream
for years.
STAN
You're the best player at our school,
dude. You'll make the team for sure.
CARTMAN
This is ridiculous. Jews can't play
basketball.
KYLE
I beat out YOUR fat ass, Cartman!
LEAD REFEREE
All students trying out for the All-State
team to center court!
STAN
Good luck.
COACH
All right boys, now you're all here
because you're the best of the best.
I know that you've all worked really
hard to make it this far, so let's get
out there and SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT!
Uh, uh excuse me, Brof-Broflovski,
is it?
KYLE
Yeah?
COACH
Can we talk to you for a minute? You
uh... You're the best player in your
school, are ya?
KYLE
Yep! I love basketball. I wanna play
for the Denver Nuggets one day.
COACH
Yeah. Uh, look, kid, you've got great
skills and a great attitude. But you're
just not physically ...built for the
game.
KYLE
Oo whataya mean?
COACH
Well, it's just that... Jew's can't
play basketball. Awwright, kids, we've
gotta work on that shooting! Come on!
[Kyle heads out through 56A but puts his head against a wall,
deeply saddeed. Kenny, Stan and Cartman enter 56A from the concession
stands and head towards Kyle]
STAN
Dude, you were awesome, Kyle. Look,
y-you gave it your best shot, right?
That's all you could do.
CARTMAN
Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! You-hoo-hoo-hoo
loh-ost! Hahahahahaaahaaa! Kyle, I'm
totally ripping on you at a totally
inappropriate time.
KYLE
I know. I deserve it.
CARTMAN
Yeah, you know why? Because Jews can't
play basketball!
KYLE
You're right. Jesus, that was fun...
[Henry's Supermarket, day. A normal shopping day until...]
MAN
Hey everybody, you're not gonna believe
it!
RANDY
Believe what?
MAN
It's Mr. Garrison! Only it ISN'T Mr.
Garrison! He- He's a woman now!
MRS. GARRISON
Hello everybody! Can you believe it
ladies? I'm one of YOU now! Wow, just
look at all these tampons! Regular,
heave flow- Oh boy, I can't wait till
I get my first period!
[The ladies' restroom, moments later. Mrs. Garrison enters humming
and takes an empty spot along the sinks.]
MRS. GARRISON
Hi gals! Oh boy, can you believe the
sales they're havin' out there? Well,
I'm about to pee out my vagina for the
first time. Give us a hug. Girls' Club!
Oh wow! This is great! Look at that,
I'm peeing sittin' down like a dainty
dignified little woman! Sany, any of
you ladies wanna go see a sad movie
together? You guys try those new wings
tampons? Do those work well?
[South Park, day. A Souith Park Charter Transit bus stops and
lets Stan and his friends off. Kyle walks ahead of them in gloomy
silence]
STAN
Kyle, you have to cheer up, dude. So
you aren't built right for basketball.
KYLE
But I feel like a basketball player.
That's all I wanna do.
MRS. GARRISON
Hello, boys! It's me, your teacher!
Mrs. Garrison!
CARTMAN
You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties.
MRS. GARRISON
I had a sex-chamge operation. My penis
is now a vagina and I'm experiencing
womanhood for the first time in my life!
See ya in class!
[Kyle's house, dinnertime. The family is at table eating]
KYLE
Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?
KYLE'S FATHER
What? Th'um, nuh-nothing. I- I'll explain
it to you when you're a little older.
KYLE
But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just
had his penis made into a vagina. How
come?
IKE
Penis!
KYLE'S FATHER
Your teacher had a sex change?? Oh my
God!
IKE
Vagina!
KYLE'S FATHER
That does it! I'm taking you boys OUT
OF THAT SCHOOL!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Gerald, that is very closed-minded of
you! You shouldn't judge people who
want to change.
KYLE'S FATHER
He's a teacher! How are we supposed
to explain this to our children?!
KYLE'S MOTHER
It's very simple. You see, Kyle, sometimes
a person' outside doesn't reflect who
they are on the inside.
KYLE
Yeah. That's right.
KYLE'S MOTHER
They feel like they're somebody trapped
in another person's body. And so, they
can have a surgery that makes them
more into the person they see themselves
as. Do you understand?
KYLE
Totally! I totally understand!
KYLE'S MOTHER
There. You see, Gerald? He totally understands.
[Trinidad Medical Center, day. Dr. Biber sits behind his desk]
DR. BIBER
So, I hear you're interested in reconstructive
surgery.
KYLE
Yeah. My school teacher wanted to be
a woman, and you made him into one.
DR. BIBER
Oh yes, Mr. Garrison. Uh yes, he had
a vaginoplasty. Mhm.
KYLE
Well, do you also do other surgeries
like that?
DR. BIBER
Sure. You see sometimes a woman wants
to be a man. That procedure is called
a peniplasty.
KYLE
No, no, uh I wanna be tall and black.
DR. BIBER
...You what?
KYLE
I hate being small and Jewish. I feel
like a tall black man.
DR. BIBER
Ohhhhh! You want a negroplasty!
KYLE
Yeah!
STAN
Wha-a-a negroplasty??
DR. BIBER
It's a fairly common procedure, really,
just the reverse of a caucasioplasty
just like Michael Jackson had. Let's
take a look here. What we do is slice
your face and peel it back so we can
insert now pig-ment producing cells
inside. We break the arm bones in several
places and put braces to make them longer.
Now, the knees we need to snap off
and fill with small round objects that
can cause better movement. And we finish
it off with a nice peniplasty to enhance
the genitalia. Negroplasty takes about
seven hours and costs roughly three
thousand dollars.
STAN
Uh excuse me, is this really a good
idea?
DR. BIBER
Well, it's a good idea if you wanna
be tall and black. Otherwise, I wouldn't
recommend it.
[Mrs. Garrison's house, night. Mrs. Garrison enters the kitchen
carrying groceries. Mr. Slave is at the breakfast table moping]
MRS. GARRISON
Hello, Mr. Slave. Boy have I been busy.
A woman's work is never done. I got
some tampons. I should be getting my
period really soon. I hope I don't get
too emotional and drive you crazy with
my PMS. Mr. Slave, I got somethin'
for us, too. Would you like to take
this beautiful woman to bed?
MR. SLAVE
No thanks.
MRS. GARRISON
Nu- no thanks? Come on, Mr. Slave,
I wanna try out my new snootch.
MR. SLAVE
I can't believe you just went ahead
and had that surgery without even asking
me what I thought.
MRS. GARRISON
Well, I ASSUMED you supported me. It's
still me; I just have a vagina instead
of a penis.
MR. SLAVE
But I'm gay! I don't like vaginas!
MRS. GARRISON
Don't you even care that I was suffering?
I wasn't happy the way I was!
MR. SLAVE
It's great that you feel better, but
you never stopped to think about how
other people around you would feel!
MRS. GARRISON
Look, we can still be together. All
you have to do is stop being gay!
MR. SLAVE
How can you say that?! You're gay too!
MRS. GARRISON
I'm not gay! I'm a woman!
MR. SLAVE
Oh, Jezuth Christh!
MRS. GARRISON
Oh, so is that it?! You're just gonna
walk out?! You men are all alike! Go
ahead and find somebody who doesn't
have a vagina, you fag!
[Kyle's house, morning. Kyle runs into the living room with a
paper in hand and faces his parents, who are sitting on the sofa.
They're both reading the newspaper.]
KYLE
Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor
who gave Mr. Garrison his sex change
said he can make me tall and black.
KYLE'S MOTHER
What??
KYLE
Dr. Biber said he can give me a negroplasty
so I can finally look the way I've always
wanted. He even took my picture and
then did computer imaging to show what
I would look like after the surgery.
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, just great! You see, Sheila?! This
is what your transgender progressive
thinking gets you! Now your son wants
to be transracial!
KYLE
Can I have three thousand dollars,
Mom and Dad, huh?? Can I??
KYLE'S MOTHER
Absolutely not, Kyle!
KYLE
But why not? You said sometimes people
need surgery to make them feel better
about themselves.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Yes, but Kyle-
KYLE
Well, all my life I felt I was black!
I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN
and I love playing basketball! My body
doesn't reflect who I am inside.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, you have to accept your body the
way it is.
KYLE
Why? Why do I have to accept it when
I can change it?
KYLE'S MOTHER
The answer is NO, Kyle! You're NOT going
to have negroplasty!
KYLE
But Jews can't play basketball!
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle, you'd better stop being anti-Semitic
right now, mister!!
KYLE
I'm never speaking to either of you
ever again!
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, that does it!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Where are you going?!
KYLE'S FATHER
That Dr. Biber is about to get his
ass bitten off!
[Trinidad Medical Center, day. Gerald approaches it with a file
in hand. He enters Dr. Biber's office and clsoes the door. The
doctor is setting behind his desk]
KYLE'S FATHER
Who the hell do you think you are?!
DR. BIBER
Dr. Biber.
KYLE'S FATHER
What kind of nutjob would agree to surgically
alter my son into a tall African-American?!
DR. BIBER
Oh, you're Kyle's father.
KYLE'S FATHER
Huh that's right! And I also happen
to be a lawyer! And I'm gonna have you
sued for malpractice, and your clinic
shut down!!
DR. BIBER
What is that on your shirt?
KYLE'S FATHER
What th- Look, they're- They're dolphins!
Why?
DR. BIBER
Ahhh you like dolphins, hm?
KYLE'S FATHER
A b--uh I love dolphins, Ever since
I was a child I dreamt of... Huh b-b-b-
But that has hardly any bearing on what
I'm hear to-
DR. BIBER
I can make you one.
KYLE'S FATHER
...What?
DR. BIBER
Invert the back, move the esophagus
to the top of the head. Yes, a full
dolphinoplasty could be achieved relatively
simply...
KYLE'S FATHER
Make me a... dolphin?
SINGER
If I could swim with the dolphins, the
soft and gentle dolphins...
Why can't I swim with the dolphins?
KYLE'S FATHER
...No. No, no, it's crazy.
DR. BIBER
There's nothing crazy about a person
wanting to look on the outside the way
they feel on ths inside.
[Girls Gone Wild commercial. In the background is a crowd of
men, in the foreground, willing women]
ANNOUNCER
It's Girls Gone Wild! These gilrs will
do anything!
MRS. GARRISON
Oh jeez, should I do it?! Should I do
it?! Oh what the hell! Wooo! Huhuh,
wooo!
MEN
Awww!
MRS. GARRISON
Look, I'll giggle and make them bounce
up and down! Heeheeheeheehee, heeheeheeheeheeheehee.
[later, at a bar after the video shoot...]
MRS. GARRISON
Oh boy, men will do just about anything
to get a look at our tits, won't they?
Men are all the same. My boyfriend walked
out on me! Turns out he was a fag. But
I've been livin' it up ever since, havin'
sex with all kinds of different guys!
Girl power! You know, the strange thing
is, I haven't gotten my period yet.
Is there a reason a woman might miss
her period?
REDHEAD
Well, normally, if a woman misses her
period, it means she's pregnant.
MRS. GARRISON
...Pregnant? Oh my God. Of course.
I haven't gotten to experience a period
because... one of those truckers I slept
with got me knocked up. I'm pregnant,
everybody! Hoh boy, now I can have an
abortion!
[Kyle's house, night. Gerald returns home with a walker and a
highly altered appearance. He now makes dolphin sounds and has
a blowhole and dorsal fin on his back, and his legs have been
joined together to make a flipper. His hands havve been altered
to look like ventral fins. He walks in the front door. His eyes
are black from the alterations and his nose has been elongated.]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Gerald! What happened to you?!
KYLE'S FATHER
That doctor is a miracle worker, Sheila.
Iiii'm the happiest I've ever been.
Look, Ike! You're daddy's a dolphin!
KYLE'S MOTHER
A dolphin?!?!
KYLE'S FATHER
Sheila, ih-it was wrong of us to be
so judgmental of Kyle. If he isn't happy
with who he is, then who are we to deny
hm surgery that will make him feel better
about himself?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Gerald, this is crazy!
KYLE'S FATHER
I used to think I was crazy. But Dr,
Biber told me that there are a lot of
other people out there who are transpecies.
All I did is change my appearance to
look the way I felt... here. And I'm
telling you now that if we don't let
Kyle do the same, he may never be happy.
Ever! We owe him more than that, Sheila.
We owe him understanding!
[The school bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman work on building
a snowman. Butters runs up...]
BUTTERS
Fellas! Hey fellas, you gotta come see!
STAN
What?
BUTTERS
Uhh, it's Kyle! Huh, he's a Negro!
[Kyle's house, later. Kyle, now tall and black, stands in the
front lawn. Around him are Kevin, Clyde, Jason, Tweek, and Craig]
JASON
Wow.
CRAIG
Can't believe it.
CLYDE
Did it hurt?
KYLE
Yeah, but it was totally worth it.
STAN
Jesus Christ, dude!
KYLE
Look, Stan, I'm finally whole! My dad
is even gonna take me back down to the
all-star game to see if I can try out
for the team again!
KYLE'S FATHER
Come on, Kyle, we should get going!
KYLE
All right, Dad!
STAN
Dude, is Kyle's- dad a- dolphin?
CARTMAN
He's a Jewish dolphin. A Jewphin.
[Planned Parenthood, day. In the reception area Mrs. Garrison
reads magazines, but sees a woman seated near her.]
MRS. GARRISON
You here for an abortion too? Yeah,
I discovered a few days ago I wasn't
bleedin' out my coo, so I guess I'm
knocked up. Is this doctor any good?
NURSE
Mrs... Garrison?
MRS. GARRISON
Oh, that's me.
[Planned Parenthood OR.]
MRS. GARRISON
Hello doctor, looks like I need an abortion.
DOCTOR
...an abortion?
MRS. GARRISON
Yeah, I've got one growing inside me.
Now, are you gonna scramble its brains
or just vacuum it out? ...If you want
you can just scramble it and I'll queef
it out myself.
DOCTOR
Mmister Garrison-
MRS. GARRISON
Mrs. Garrison.
DOCTOR
Mmrs. Garrison, you can't have an abortion.
MRS. GARRISON
Don't you tell me what I can and can't
do with my body! A woman has a right
to choose!
DOCTOR
No, I mean you're physically unable
to have an abortion, because you can't
get pergnant.
MRS. GARRISON
But I missed my period.
DOCTOR
You can't have periods either. You
had a sex change, Mr. Garrison, but
you don't have ovaries or a womb. You
don't produce eggs.
MRS. GARRISON
You mean, I'll never know what it feels
like to have a baby growing inside me
and then scramble its brains and vacuum
it out?
DOCTOR
N-that's right.
MRS. GARRISON
But I paid five thousand dollars to
be a woman. This would mean I I'm not
really a woman. Ih, I'm just a... a
I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis!
DOCTOR
Basically, yes.
MRS. GARRISON
...Oh boy, do I feel like a jackass.
[Trinidad Medical Center, day. Mrs. Garrison enters the OR as
Dr. Biber operates on a woman]
MRS. GARRISON
Hey asshole!
DR. BIBER
Excuse me, I'm performing an operation
here!
MRS. GARRISON
You told me you were going to make me
into a woman!
DR. BIBER
I gave you a sex change.
MRS. GARRISON
Yeah?! Well what kind of woman can't
have abortions and bleed out her snatch
once a month?! You made me into a FREAK
is what you did! And I want you to change
me back!
PATIENT
Am I a man yet?
DR. BIBER
Mr. Garrison, I can't reattach your
organs.
MRS. GARRISON
Why the hell not?!
DR. BIBER
Because I've already used your testicles
to fashion new knees for a little boy
who wanted to be tall and black.
MRS. GARRISON
You WHAT?!
DR. BIBER
And your scrotum has been made into
a dorsal fin for a man who wanted to
look more like a dolphin.
MRS. GARRISON
Oh you! You're comin' with me right
now to find my ball and scrotum right
now, Mr. Man!
[Denver Convention Center, night. "All-State Playoffs. Colorado
vs. Wyoming" People crowd into the center. Inside, the two teams
are practicing their shots on the court]
ANNOUNCER
Welcome to the All-State Basketball
Playoffs between the best fourth-grade
players from Colorado and the best fourth-grade
players from Wyoming.
KYLE
Coach! Coach, I'm all better. I'm ready
to play.
COACH
Who are you?
KYLE
Ih it's me, Kyle Broflovski. I had a
negroplasty. Can I play in the All-State
team now?
COACH
Well, you're tall and black enough.
All right, Broflovski, suit up!
KYLE
All right! Dad, I can play!
KYLE'S FATHER
All right Kyle! Excuse me, where do
you have special seating for dolphins?
[The school bus stop, day. Stan, Cartman and Kenny are almost
finished with their snow man. A car pulls up. Mrs. Garrison and
Dr. Biber jump out of the car.]
MRS. GARRISON
Boys, have you seen Kyle?! He's not
at home.
STAN
Kyle went down to play in the basketball
game, Mrs. Garrison.
DR. BIBER
He's going to play basketball? Oh my
God.
MRS. GARRISON
What?
DR. BIBER
Well, ah I only made him look like he
could play basketball. If he actually
does it, the testicle in his knees will
explode!
STAN
What?! But you made him into a basketball
player.
DR. BIBER
No, I just made him look more like one.
We have to stop him from playing! Those
testicles in his knees are ticking time
balls!
MRS. GARRISON
Oh Jesus! We've gotta get to my balls
before Kyle hurts himself!
[Denver Convention Center, night. The Star-Spangled Banner is
being sung]
SINGER
...and the home of the... brave!
COACH
Broflovski, be ready to take over for
Owens.
KYLE
I'm a hundred percent ready, coach!
[Denver Convention Center, by the restrooms in the hall. An usher
stands nearby]
KYLE'S FATHER
Eh excuse me, where, where is the bathroom
for dolphins?
USHER
We don't... have one.
KYLE'S FATHER
Well where the hell am I supposed to
go to the bathroom? I I need a large
tank with salt water.
USHER
Ahhh- Too bad?
KYLE'S FATHER
Damnit you people have to make special
arrangements for transpecies people
like me! I may be a dolphin, but I'm
also a lawyer!
USHER
You're a lawphin?
[Denver Convention Center, outside, by the entrance. Mrs. Garrison,
Dr. Biber and the boys approach the doors]
USHER
Tickets please.
MRS. GARRISON
We don't have tickets!
SECURITY GUARD
Sorry ma'am, no tickets, no entry.
MRS. GARRISON
Look, there's a boy with my balls in
his knees and he's in serious danger!
USHER
What?
MRS. GARRISON
My scrotum! That dolphin has my scrotum!
Now let us in!
SECURITY GUARD
You can't go in, ma'am! We have unauthorized
entry on level one!
[Denver Convention Center, courtside. The Colorado team drives
to the opposite basket. The coach addresses Kyle]
COACH
All right. Broflovski, you're going
in next possession.
KYLE
All right! Ow. Hm.
[Denver Convention Center, by the restrooms. Mrs. Garrison and
the others approach Gerald]
MRS. GARRISON
Gerald, where's Kyle?!
KYLE'S FATHER
What? Why??
MRS. GARRISON
My balls are in his knees. If he jumps
with them they'll explode!
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh my God!
SECURITY GUARD
There they are, next to that dolphin!
DR. BIBER
Come on, we've gotta get to those balls!
SECURITY GUARD
Stop them! They didn't pay the two-dollar
entry fee!
[Denver Convention Center, courtside. Kyle has suited up and
now enters the game.]
ANNOUNCER
Now substituting for Colorado, number
8, Kyle Broflovski.
STAN
Oh Jesus, he's about to play!
KYLE'S FATHER
Mrs. Garrison, grab Kyle!
MRS. GARRISON
Which one is he??
WYOMING COACH
Hey, what the hell?!
KYLE'S FATHER
Stop the game!
KYLE
I got it! I got the ball.
STAN
Kyle, NO!
ANNOUNCER
Broflovski goes for the dunk!
MRS. GARRISON
NO! My baaaallllssss.
[Denver Convention Center, outside. The police and paramedics
have arrived and Kyle is sitting up on the gurney]
OFFICER
So let me get this straight. That woman
over there was trying to get to her
balls which were in the knees of a black
child whose father is a dolphin.
STAN
Yeah, that's basically it.
OFFICER
Sounds like an open and shut case. All
right, let's head 'em out!
DR. BIBER
I'm sorry, Kyle, I should have told
you the surgery was cosmetic only.
KYLE'S FATHER
So, does this mean I'm not really a
dolphin?
DR. BIBER
Let's get you two up to the clinic and
I'll change you back, for a nominal
fee.
KYLE
But what about Mr. Garrison? He can't
go back.
MRS. GARRISON
You know what? I'm okay. Even though
I'm not truly a woman, I think I still
like the new me. I'd rather be a woman
who can't have periods than a fag.
Hey guys! This girl is staying a woman!
Who wants to pound my vadge! Girl power!
THE END
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