"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 315
"MR HANKEY'S CHRISTMAS CLASSICS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A WSPK Channel 2 news anchorman appears]
ANCHOR
Fighting the frizzies at 11.
[Intro. Mailman Timmy, tall and lanky with a very long cheek,
walks into view]
MAILMAN TIMMY
We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny
nose,
And we all know Frosty, who's made out of snow.
But all of those stories seem kind of... gay
'Cause we all know who brightens up our holiday. [twirls]
Robert T. Pooner Presents
Mr. Hankey Chrismas Classics
MAILMAN TIMMY
Small and brown, he comes from you.
A Collection of 10 Holiday Songs
MAILMAN TIMMY
Squeezin' 'tween your festive buns.
[A boy dances on his ass on the toilet]
A present from down below,
[Timmy dances with some kids]
Spreading joy with a
MAILMAN TIMMY
He's seen the love inside of you, 'cause
MAILMAN TIMMY
Sometimes he's notty ,
sometimes he's corny [she shows the next drawing].
He can be brown or greenish brown [Timmy holds two sheets of
construction paper].
KIDS
Mmm-hmm.
MAILMAN TIMMY
But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve,
He might come to your town.
[a boy has made a Hankeyman and added smudges of real poo]
MAILMAN TIMMY
He loves me, I love you.
Therefore, vicariously he loves you
BOY
I can make a Mr. Hankey, too!
MR. HANKEY
HOWDY HO!
I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
Season's greetings to all of you.
Let's sing songs and dance and play
[moves in between two kids and holds hands with them]
Now, before I melt away
[hops onto Timmy and kisses his cheek]
[skips onto every open mouth]
Stick me in your mouth and try to say,
ALL
"Howdy ho ho, yum yum yum."
MR. HANKEY
Christmas Time has come!
GIRL 1
Sometimes he's runny.
BOY 1
Sometimes he's firm.
GIRL 2
Sometimes he's practically water.
MAN ON PORTO POTTY
Sometimes he hangs off the end of your
ass
And won't fall in the toilet
'Cause he's just clinging to your sphincter
And he won't drop out and so you ...shake you ass around
And try to get it to drop into the toilet
And finally it does... [Timmy closes the door]
MAILMAN TIMMY
Christmas leaves; he most leave too.
[Mr. Hankey hops on and waves good-bye. They wave good-bye back]
Flush him down, but he's [slowing] never gone!
[nornal. Santa takes off] His smell and his spirit ling-er on!
KIDS
Howdy Ho!
[Mr. Hankey is now shown seated on an armchair next to the crackling
fireplace. Next to him is a small table with a gifts on it. Behind
him is a Christmas tree with gifts at its base]
MR. HANKEY
Howdy-ho, folks. We're gonna do somethin'
a little bit different tonight. Instead
of our normal thing, we're just gonna
sit back and enjoy some holiday songs.
And if ya don't like it, well, I guess
you can suck my tiny little balls. So
let's start off with a festive Channukah
song, sung by my favorite Jewish person
in the whole world.
[The Broflovski house, decorated for Channukah. A dreidel spins
on the living room rug. Kyle and Ike warch it spin and fall]
KYLE
Okay, Ike. You're my little brother,
so I have to show you how to celebrate
a Channukah. This is called a dreidel.
You spin it and see where it lands.
And you sing this song:
I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.
And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall play. Hoh,
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
[gives the dreidel to Ike. Cartman walks in]
CARTMAN
Hey, what the hell are you doing?!
KYLE
Oh! Hey Cartman. We're playing dreidel;
do you wanna try?
CARTMAN
Sure.
Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay.
But I'm not gonna play with it, 'cause dreidel's freakin' gay.
KYLE
Hey, shut your mouth, fatass!
CARTMAN
Jews... play stupid games
Jews... that's why they're lame.
KYLE
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE
I made you out of clay.
CARTMAN
play stupid games.
KYLE
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE
with dreidel I shall play.
CARTMAN
that's why they're lame.
STAN
What's going on? ...Oh, it's that Channukah
thing
CARTMAN
It's sooo amazing! You spin this thing
on the ground and it goes 'round and
'round. I could watch it aaall day!
STAN
Let me try.
I'll try to make it spin.
It fell; I'll try again.
[together. Cartman remains still between Stan and Kyle as Ike
dances on the sofa behind them]
KYLE
Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made
you out of clay.
STAN
I'll try to make it spin.
KYLE
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel
I shall play.
STAN
It fell; I'll try again.
[together, alternate with Cartman. Cartman walks behind the sofa,
then pops up from the back. Above him is a string of Stars of
David. Stan keeps trying...]
KYLE
Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
STAN
I'll try
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE
I made you out of clay.
STAN
to make it spin.
CARTMAN
play stupid games.
KYLE
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
STAN
It fell;
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE
with dreidel I shall play.
STAN
I'll try again.
CARTMAN
that's why they're lame.
KYLE
Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
STAN
I'll try
[Cartman takes a Star of David down from the string and carries
it out front]
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE
I made you out of clay.
STAN
to make it spin.
CARTMAN
play stupid games.
KYLE
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
STAN
It fell;
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE
with dreidel I shall play.
STAN
I'll try again.
CARTMAN
that's why they're lame.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Hello, boys!
KYLE
Hi, Mom!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, how precious! You boys are all playing
dreidel. Now, you know that dreidel
is a time-honored tradition for the
Hebrew people.
CARTMAN
Yes, we know, Ms. Broflovski. It's so
very interesting.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Now when you learn to make the dreidel
spin
You'll know our people always win.
KEEP SPINNING
Learn
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE'S MOTHER
to make the dreidel spin
CARTMAN
play stupid games.
KYLE'S MOTHER
You'll know
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE'S MOTHER
our people always win.
CARTMAN
that's why they're lame.
KYLE
Oh, hi Dad.
KYLE'S FATHER
Hello, everybody. Say, can I join in?
KYLE
Sure.
I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.
And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall- everybody!
[together, alternate with Cartman. All five break into song and
dance. The boys dance in figure-8 form]
KYLE
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
STAN
I'll try
KYLE'S MOTHER
Now when you learn
KYLE'S FATHER
Courtney Cox,
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE
I made you out of clay.
STAN
to make it spin.
KYLE'S MOTHER
to make the dreidel spin
KYLE'S FATHER
I love you.
CARTMAN
play stupid games.
KYLE
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
STAN
It fell;
KYLE'S MOTHER
You'll know
KYLE'S FATHER
You're so hot
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE
with dreidel I shall play.
STAN
I'll try again.
KYLE'S MOTHER
our people always win.
KYLE'S FATHER
on that show.
CARTMAN
that's why they're lame.
[All now dance in place]
KYLE
Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
STAN
I'll try
KYLE'S MOTHER
Keep spinning: learn
KYLE'S FATHER
Courtney Cox,
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE
I made you out of clay.
STAN
to make it spin.
KYLE'S MOTHER
to make the dreidel spin
KYLE'S FATHER
I love you.
CARTMAN
play stupid games.
KYLE
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
STAN
It fell;
KYLE'S MOTHER
You'll know
KYLE'S FATHER
You're so hot
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE
with dreidel I shall play.
STAN
I'll try again.
KYLE'S MOTHER
our people always win.
KYLE'S FATHER
on that show.
[The others stop singing, but continue dancing]
KYLE'S FATHER
: Courtney Cox, I love you.
You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.
KYLE
Dad?
KYLE'S FATHER
Courtney Cox,
KYLE
Dad.
KYLE'S FATHER
I- huh?
KYLE
We're singing about a dreidel.
KYLE'S FATHER
...Oh, sorry.
KYLE'S MOTHER
We'll talk about this later, Gerald!
KYLE
Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
STAN
I'll try
KYLE'S MOTHER
Now when you learn
KYLE'S FATHER
Courtney Cox,
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE
I made you out of clay.
STAN
to make it spin.
KYLE'S MOTHER
to make the dreidel spin
KYLE'S FATHER
I love you.
CARTMAN
play stupid games.
[FRONT
Sheila. Left: Stan and Kyle. Right:
Cartman, Ike, and Gerald]
KYLE
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
STAN
It fell;
KYLE'S MOTHER
You'll know
KYLE'S FATHER
You're so hot
CARTMAN
Jews...
[FRONT
Cartman. Left: Ike and Gerald. Right:
Kyle and Sheila. Center: Stan]
KYLE
with dreidel I shall play.
STAN
I'll try again.
KYLE'S MOTHER
our people always win.
KYLE'S FATHER
on that show.
CARTMAN
that's why they're lame.
[FRONT
Gerald. Left: Stan and Sheila. Right:
Cartman, Ike, and Kyle.]
KYLE
Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
STAN
I'll try
KYLE'S MOTHER
Keep spinning: learn
KYLE'S FATHER
Courtney Cox,
CARTMAN
Jews...
[FRONT
Stan. Left: Cartman and Gerald. Right:
Ike, Kyle, and Sheila]
KYLE
I made you out of clay.
STAN
to make it spin.
KYLE'S MOTHER
to make the dreidel spin
KYLE'S FATHER
I love you.
CARTMAN
play stupid games.
[FRONT
Ike. Left: Kyle and Stan. Right: Gerald
and Cartman. Center: Sheila]
KYLE
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
STAN
It fell;
KYLE'S MOTHER
You'll know
KYLE'S FATHER
You're so hot
CARTMAN
Jews...
KYLE
with dreidel I shall play.
STAN
I'll try again.
KYLE'S MOTHER
our people- know our people always win.
KYLE'S FATHER
on that show.
CARTMAN
that's why they're lame.
[Ike releases the dreidel, which spins successfully. The camera
zooms in, only to see it fall.]
[Back at the armchair...]
MR. HANKEY
Woohoo! Golly, that sure was fun. But
now, for our next song, hold on to your
bootstraps, 'cause we're gonna descend
down into Hell!
[Hell. Flames abound here, but an ashen plain is seen with a
little campfire on it. Hitler, shown in shades of gray, is on
his knees in front of the fire, crying. Before him is a tree
stand, but there's no tree in it.]
ADOLPH
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
wie treu sind deine Blätter.
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
[little Hitler is lifted up to put a star atop the Christmas
tree]
wie treu sind deine Blätter.
De grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,
[little Hitler beans a Jewish boy down with a snowball]
Nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.
[Little Hitler looks at trees, and has visions of marching soldiers.
He salutes.]
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
wie treu sind deine Blätter.
[live Nazi footage is superimposed on the fire. Hitler breaks
down]
SATAN
Hey, Hitler. What's the matter, little
guy?
ADOLPH
Oh, oh Satan, der tannenbaum, wie treu
sind deine Blätter.
SATAN
Awww, you don't have a Christmas tree?
ADOLPH
...nur zur Sommerzeit, nein, auch im Winter,
wenn es schneit.
SATAN
Well, I tell you what: Maybe we'll
have ourselves a little Christmas, right
here! Come on, everyone, gather 'round!
String up the lights and light up the tree.
[...and the man tied to it]
We're gonna meke some reverly!
Spirits are high, so I can tell,
[two of the damned stand up and dance]
It's Christmas Time in hell.
Demons are nicer as you pass them by.
[passes them in front of Azrael's Toys]
There's lots of demon toys to buy.
The snow is falling, and all is well.
[a volcano behind the store erupts]
It's
WITH DEMONS
Christmas Time in hell!
SOLO
There goes Jeffrey Dahmer with a festive
Christmas ham.
[Dahmer walks out of a meat store and into the house next door]
After he has sex with it, he'll eat up all he can.
And there goes John F. Kennedy caroling with his son.
[they stop by to sing with him]
WITH THE KENNEDY MEN
Reunited for the holidays. God bless
us, everyone!
WITH THE DAMNED
Everybody has a happy glow!
Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow.
SOLO
Even Mao Tse Tung is under the spell
[Mao is making a snow angel]
WITH CHOIR
It's Christmas Time in hell!
SOLO
Adolph, here's a present for you-u!
ADOLPH
Oh? Ein tannenbaum!
SATAN
Yhehes, ein tannenbaum.
FEMALES
Aaa-aaa!
SATAN
God cast me down from heaven's door
[hops into a mining car and moves. Two demons man the front car]
To rule in hell forevermore.
But now I'm kinda glad that I fell,
WITH CHOIR
'Cause it's Christmas Time in hell!
WITH MALES
Here's a rack to hang the stockings
on
[...the type of rack with a man stretched out on it]
WITH FEMALES
We still have to shop for Genghis Khan
SOLO
Michael Landon's hair looks swell.
WITH CHOIR
It's Christmas Time in hell!
SOLO
There's Princess Diana holding burning
mistletoe
Over poor Gene Siskel's head; just watch his weenie grow.
[She does hold the mistletoe; Gene takes her down and makes love
to her]
WITH CHOIR
For one day we all stop burning, and
the flames are not so thick.
[a demon turns down the flames]
All the screaming and the torture stops as we wait for Ol' Saint
Nick! So,
[Satan sets some cookies on a small table; a demon brings him
an armchair]
String up the lights and light up the tree.
[with him are Mao, Gene, Diana, JKF Sr. and Jr., and Dahmer]
We're damned for all eternity.
Bur for just one day all is well.
It's Christmas Time in hell!!!
SOLO
Gather close together and make it quick!
We gotta make room for Andy Dick.
[shows the picture]
WITH CHOIR
Wake his mother and ring the bell.
It's
[three demons dress Satan in a green cape and Santa cap]
SATAN AND MALES
Christmas Time...
FEMALES
Christmas Time...
MALES
Christmas Time...
FEMALES
Christmas Time...
SATAN AND MALES
Christmas Time...
FEMALES
Christmas Time...
MALES
It's Christmas Time...
FEMALES
Christmas Time...
ALL
It's Christ-mas Time In hell!!!!
[the damned form circles around two trees. Demons hover around
Satan]
BAILEY
Merry Christmas, movie house!
SATAN
Brrrrrrroom!
[The anchorman reappears]
ANCHOR
Fighting the frizzies at 11.
[STAR WARS LETTERING
"Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"]
KIDS
Howdy-ho!
[Mr. Mackey's house. He really decorated for the holidays. He
comes out dressed as a bell]
ALONE
Uh.
Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.
All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay."
[a floating Mackey head appears to the upper right]
CENTER
Christmas is here, bringing good cheer
To young and old, meek and the bold
RIGHT
Ding Dong
Ding Dong
[a second Mackey head appears on the lower left]
CENTER
Ding dong ding-dong, that is their song
With joyful ring, all caroling
LEFT
Ding Dong
Ding Dong
RIGHT
Ding Dong
Ding M'kay
[three Mackeys appear in split-screen]
ALL
One seems to here words of good cheer
From everywhere filling the air.
[a fourth Mackey, playing Scrabble, jons the other three, but
sings his own part]
CENTERS AND RIGHT
O, how they pound raising their sound
O, here and there telling their tale
LEFT
O, wail
Telling their tale (daily now)
[all four, dressed as bells, are in front of the house]
ALL
: Daily they ring while people sing
Songs of good cheer. Christmas is here.
[the four Mackeys are now small bells on a Christmas tree.]
CENTER 1
Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas
Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas
CENTER 2
Ding dong ding-dong, that is their song
With joyful ring, all caroling
RIGHT
Ding Dong
Ding Dong ding-
LEFT
Ding- Can you hear them?
Ding- Can you hear them?
[the four appear normal in front of the house, then at the Scrabble
table]
LEFT
On, on they send, on without end,
Their joyful tone to every home
RIGHT
Ding Dong
Di-ing m'kay.
CENTERS
Ding Dong
Di-ing
[one Mackey bell is alone in front of the house]
CENTER
Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.
All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay."
RIGHT
Dong_____________
__________
LEFT
Dong_____________
____m'kay.
[all four Mackey bells appear, then Mr. Mackey is alone]
LEFT
On, on they send, on without end,
Their joyful tone to every home
RIGHT
M'kay M'kay___________
CENTER
M'kay_________________
[the small Mackey bells appear one by one on the tree, then the
four appear in front of the house]
ALL
: Ding dong ding-dong, m'kay___
[one Mackey bell remains]
CENTER
M'kay.
[Back at the armchair...]
MR. HANKEY
Well, that was a nice little song, wasn't
it? But let's not forget that for some
people Christmas is about the birth
of Jesus. So now, here's a more serious
Christmas song sung by Eric Cartman.
[The town of Bethlehen. Cartman is superimpsoed on it. He's in
formal wear.]
CARTMAN
And
O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining
[The Star of the Nativity appears, then the Three Wise Men]
It is the night of our dear Savior's b-b-bir-birth
[The Nativity and Cartman are seen in the background, Formal
Cartman vanishes]
O Holy Night, the- something something distant.
[Formal Cartman before a starry sky]
It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie.
[Present-day Cartman finishes decorating the tree, helps himself
to a pie]
Jesus was born, and so I get presents.
[Little Drummer Cartman stands before the manger scene,
Present-day Cartman is seen tearing into his gifts back at home.]
Thank you, Jesus, for being born. (Wo-o-o-o-o)
[back at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman turns to look at
Baby Jesus.]
Fall (Fall) [four angels appear behind Formal Cartman]
On your knees (On your knees) [Cartman falls on his knees]
And hear (Can't you hear)
The angels'... something (Voices)
O night (O night) [Present-day Cartman tosses in bed, which is
covered in candy canes]
Divine (Divine)
[Formal Cartman] The night
When I get presents (O-o)
[at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman takes the gifts meant
for Jesus]
O night (O o-night) [loads them up on his camel, with other presents]
Divine! [Present-day Cartman rips into more presents at home]
[Formal Cartman] O night (Ooo-ooo)
O night divine! [Little Drummer Cartman leads the gift-laden
camels away]
Oh. Ch.
[Back at the armchair...]
MR. HANKEY
Well, oh boy, that was a super song!
And now, let's hear from the school
teacher, Mr. Garrison.
[South Park Elementary. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison has
drawn a world map on the board.]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, let's take our seats.
Today we're going to learn how different
cultures around the world celebrate
the holiday season.
CLASS
Awww.
KENNY
(What?!)
MR. GARRISON
Now, pay attention. Ahem...
I heard there is no Christmas in the silly Middle East
[points it out]
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus; They have different religious
beliefs
They believe in Muhammad, and not in our holiday.
[shows some Arabic writing]
And so, every December I go to the Middle East and say,
[tosses the picture away]
[In the Middle East]
Hey there, Mr. Muslim, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Put down that book the Koran, and hear some holiday wishes
[rips the Koran out of the Muslim's hand and dresses him up as
a tree]
In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus's birthday
[removes the veils of two women, who turn out ugly]
So get off your heathen Muslim ass and fuckin' celebrate.
[sticks a candy cane in the man's house]
There is no holiday season in India, I've heard.
[pulls down a chart showing India's demerits.]
They don't hang up their stockings, and that is just absurd.
[Stan and Kyle look at each other and shrug]
They've never read a Christmas story, they don't know what Rudolph
is about.
[HOLDS UP A BOOK
"The Night Before Christmas"]
And that is why in December I'll go to India and shout,
[In India, next to a swami sitting on a bed of nails]
Hey there, Mr. Hinduist, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Drink eggnog and eat some beef, and pass it to the Missus.
[gives beef to one man, pours eggnog on another]
In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus's birthday.
[wraps a few people in Christmas lights]
So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fuckin' celebrate.
[passes out wreaths]
Now, I heard that in Japan everyone just lives in sin.
They pray to several gods and put needles in their skin.
[on the chalkboard, a drawing of a Japanese man with needles
stuck into him]
On Decemer 25th all they do is eat a cake.
And that is why I go to Japan and walk around and say,
Hey there, Mr. Shintoist!, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
God is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum.
In case you haven't noticed, there's festive things to do.
[throws some straw on the musicians]
So let's all rejoice for Jesus, and Merry Fuckin' Christmas to
you.
[knocks down the Shintoist and dumps gifts on him, and wraps
others in lights]
[dressed as Santa, dances around the class]
On Christmas Day, I travel around the world and say,
"Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists, too!
Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you."
[Mr. Hat claps]
Uh uh thank you, Mr. Hat.
[The anchorman reappears]
ANCHOR
Frizzies at 11.
[STAR WARS LETTERING
"Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"]
KIDS
Howdy-ho!
[A happy Shelley Marsh plays piano for Stan and Kyle, but...]
SHELLEY
I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships come sailing in
[Stan sticks out his tongue and wiggles his hands on his ears]
On Christmas Day, in the morning.
[Kyle pulls the ends of his lips apart and goes cock-eyed]
And what was in those ships, all three?
[Stan starts to slurp on his figners, then the boys chuckle]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
And what- [turns and points at them] Shut up, turds! [silence]
-was in those ships all three
On Christmas Day, in the morning?
The Virgin Mary and Christ were there
[Stan mimics Shelley with exaggerated expression, Kyle stifles
a laugh]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
[Kyle cracks up]
The Virgin Mary and- Shut up, TURDS! [The boys cover their mouths.
Kyle burps]
-Christ were there
On Christmas Day, in the morning.
Let us all rejoice, amain,
[Stan pulls his cap over his face, Kyle flaps his ear flaps]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
[the boys burst our laughing]
And let- [walks to the boys] I told you to shut up! [Stan burps]
[back at the piano] -us all rejoice, amain,
On Christmas Day, in the morning.
[the boys make faces again]
Shelley is starting to get pissed
[the boys begin to chuckle]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
[the chuckle get louder]
Shelley got up and killed the turds
[the laughs roll out]
On Christmas Day, in the MORNING! [picks up the piano...]
STAN
AAAA!
[Back at the armchair...]
MR. HANKEY
Golly, that sure was swell. I'd say
my Christmas special is going super-fantastic.
Well, now it's time to hear from perhaps
the two most important people of the
whole season.
EMCEE
Hello, everyone, and welcome to McKemick's.
Now, please put your hands together
and welcome... Saint Nicholas and Jesus
Christ.
SANTA
Hello, everybody!
JESUS
How are you all doing tomight?
SANTA
You know, Jesus, there've been so many
songs written about us over the years.
JESUS
That's right, Santa, and we love each
and every one of them. Like this one.
Joy to the world, for I have come.
Let earth receive Me!
Let every heart prepare Me room. [gets some applause]
SANTA
And heaven and nature sing...
JESUS
And heaven and nature sing...
SANTA
And heaven and nature sing...
JESUS
And heaven and na-
BOTH
And heaven and heaven and nature sing.
SANTA
You know, Jesus, that is a nice song,
but I like... this one:
Up on the housetop reindeer pause
Out comes good old... me. [get some applause]
Down through the chimney with lots of toys
All for the little ones' Christmas joys
BOTH
[sway together]
Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go?
Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go?
SANTA
Up on the housetop, click click click.
Down through the chimney with good old... me.
JESUS
He he hoo, get away!
SANTA
Go away??
JESUS
Get away.
SANTA
Where away?
JESUS
[gets some applause]
Away in a manger, no crib for My bed
That's where cute little old Me lay down My sweet head.
BOTH
Looked down where I lay.
JESUS
Cute little eight-pound me (Santa: Oo-oo)
BOTH
asleep in (Santa: on) the hay.
JESUS
[gets some applause and sings upbeat]
O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant
O come ye to Bethlehem to see-ee Me...
SANTA
Here's one, Jol-
JESUS
Hark, the herald angels sing, Glory-
SANTA
Hey, it's my turn.
JESUS
-to Me!
Silent Night,
SANTA
Uh.
JESUS
Holy Night
SANTA
Santa Cl- em
JESUS
All is calm, all is bright
'Round yon Virgin, Mother and Me.
SANTA
Saint Nicholas...
JESUS
Holy Me, so tender and mild.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
[slowing] Sleep in heavenly peace.
SANTA
Okay, Jesus. Here's one you might remember:
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand
Just like that river twistin' through the dusty land.
JESUS
Uh. Santa, Santa, Santa, that's not
a Christmas song, bud. Ah... ah-
SANTA
I know, but there's, like, 300 Jesus
Christmas songs and only four fucking
Santa ones! It's not fair! Just do it
yourself! I'm leaving.
JESUS
Aw, come on, Santa. You can't leave.
SANTA
Aw, fuck you, Jesus!
JESUS
But Santa... The weather outside is frightful
SANTA
Aw.
JESUS
But the fire so delightful
SANTA
Well, since I've no place to go.
BOTH
Leett it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
[more applause]
JESUS
It doesn't show signs of stoppin'.
SANTA
But I brought some corn for poopity
poppin'.
JESUS
The lights are turned way down low,
so
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
[SANTA
Snow... snow... snow.]
BOTH
The fire is slowly dyin',
SANTA
And, my dear, we're still good-bop-be-byein',
JESUS
But as long as you love me so,
BOTH
[they dance and hold hands, then Jesus twirls him. Santa spins
off the stage]
Let it snow, let it snow,
JESUS
let it snow___________________________!
SANTA
[slides back on stage on his knees]
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand!
[the club claps enthusiastically. The pianist winks at the duo
and points at them. Jesus points back, and Santa holds up a thumb]
[The anchorman reappears]
ANCHOR
Fighting frizzies at 11.
[STAR WARS LETTERING
"Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"]
KIDS
Howdy-ho!
[A toilet bowl. Mr. Hankey is floating on the water there.]
MR. HANKEY
Well, I guess that's about the end of
my Christmas album. Gosh! It was so
nice hangin' out with you all again.
Well, I guess if there's just... one thing
I have left to say, it would be this:
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
May your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay. [hops out of the bowl]
From now on, our troubles will be miles away.
[hops onto a ham as a family of four looks on, leaves his mark,
then hops onto his armchair]
WITH BOYS
[In the next scene Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny join him.
Clips of Wendy, Sheila, the Mayor, Ms. Crabtree, and Liane follow.]
Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Nurse Gollum, Principal Victoria, the Mayor, Sharon, and Ms.
Crabtree.]
Faithful friends who are dear to us
[Cartman strokes Mr. Kitty. Stan and Kyle decorate the chandelier]
Gather near to us once more.
[Mr. Hankey hops onto Santa's shoulder as Jesus looks on]
THE BOYS
Through the years we all will be together
[the boys embrace shoulders and stand united]
If the Fates allow.
[the chandelier drops on Kenny and the others back away, shocked]
MR. HANKEY
Hang a shining star above the highest
bough.
[Kyle lifts Mr. Hankey up to do this. Sharon hugs and kisses
Stan
JFK and Hitler approach the fireplace and embrace]
WITH BOYS
And have yourself a merry little Christmas
now.
Sheila, Gerald, Ike, Mr. Mackey in a bell, Satan, Jimmy the mailman
Jesus, Santa, Hitler, Mr. Garrison in Santa outfit, and Shelley.
Kyle climbs down from the ladder with Mr. Hankey in hand and
stands with Stan and Cartman, and rats rush in to chew on Kenny.]
CARTMAN
Time to go, Mr. Hankey.
MR. HANKEY
Goodbye, everybody, and Merry Christmas!
KYLE
Bye, Mr. Hankey. See you next year.
[The camera zooms back from a pink house not seen before.]
[The anchorman reappears]
ANCHOR
And now, fighting the frizzies.
[End of Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel"
plays as the anchor and the frizzy monster continue to box and
the credits roll.]
ANCHOR
Come on! Kick my ass!
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