"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 616
"MY FUTURE SELF N ME"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, woods, night. Six boys look at a tree stump surrounded
by litter. They are Jimmy, Toke, Craig, Clyde, Kyle, and Cartman.
Kyle is carrying a black trash bag. On the stump is a marijuana
joint and some paper]
KYLE
Throw it away, Clyde!
CLYDE
I'm not gonna touch it. You throw it
away.
STAN
What's going on?
KYLE
Some high schoolers left their marijuana
cigarette behind. Uh we have to throw
it away before some kids find it or
something.
STAN
So throw it away.
CLYDE
Nobody wants to touch it.
KYLE
What if the residue gets on our hands
and it leads to harder drugs like those
commercials say.
CRAIG
Yeah, didn't you see that commercial
where it says that if you have pot you
could become a terrorist?
CLYDE
And the commercial where the two kids
have pot and the one kids shoots the
other. Harmless?
STAN
You guys, those commercials are just
exaggerations.
TOKEN
How do you know? None of us had ever
had any drugs before.
JIMMY
Well, I did Ecstacy once. Me and my
girlfriend took it and we stayed up
all night having... sex.
KYLE
...Where did you have sex with her?
JIMMY
In her... va-vagina. Thank you, thank
you. What a terrific audience.
STAN
It's just a stupid plant that makes
you dumb. Touching it won't hurt you.
CARTMAN
Then you throw it away, smartass.
STAN
Fine, I will. There, see? I touched
marijuana. I'm not a terrorist, I didn't
shoot anybody, and I don't feel like
doing more drugs now. No big deal.
[South Park, night. To the sound of dramatic music, lightning
relentlessly flashes all over town. Stan's house is shown as
lightning strikes it. In the living room Stan watches "The Osbournes"
with his grandfather. Ozzy is shown in his living room talking
to his kids]
OZZY
You kids don't around with your mom!
JACK
Dad, we ing can't! It's a big ick a
SHARON
Stan, what did I tell you about watching
The Osbournes?
STAN
Aw, come on, Mom.
SHARON
It's going to make you retarded!
STAN
It's just a show! It doesn't have any
fucking effect on me, for fuck's sake!
GRANDPA MARVIN
Oh goody. Now we can watch the news.
TOM
In other news, South Park police are
still looking for a craaazy man who
terrorized the town one hour ago. The
man claimed to be from the future and
ran naked through the city streets screaming
"The past! The past! Oh my God, it's
the past!" Which is what one would expect
someone in the future to yell.
NAKED MAN
Oh my God, it's the past! Oh, whoa
man, it's you!
SHARON
Who are you?
NAKED MAN
It's me, Mom, your son Stan.
RANDY
Who is it, Sharon?
NAKED MAN
Dad!
RANDY
Dad?? Look! We don't know you and you
don't know us! Just go away before we
call the police!
STAN
Who the fuck is is, Mom and Dad?
NAKED MAN
No way, it's me from the past!
STAN
I'm me from the past?
NAKED MAN
No, I'm you from the future! Oh man,
this is so messed up.
RANDY
Okay, we've had enough!
NAKED MAN
Your name's Randy Marsh, you're a geologist,
and you don't like chicken. Mom, your
maiden name is Kimble and you have a
scar on your left knee from when you
slipped in the swimming pool.
SHARON
Randy, what's going on?
RANDY
I don't know.
NAKED MAN
Dude, just let me talk to you for like,
five minutes. After that I'll bail.
[The Marsh dining room. The naked man is now dressed in street
clothes and seated at the head of the table. He's emjoying a
beer and regular cigarette. The others look dazed and confused
at the man as he recounts his memories]
FUTURE STAN
I can still remember when I was five
and you both found that squirrel I'd
been keeping in the closet and, you
let me keep it for another week and
then it ran away but... I know that's
just what you told me. I know that Mom
had actually let it out.
RANDY
How could he possibly know all that
unless... he is our son from the future.
SHARON
But why are you back in this time with
us, son?
FUTURE STAN
I have no idea, man. I was just about
to go asleep in an alley behind the
crackhouse, and I shot up a little
heroin, and then this electrical storm
started. Next thing I knew I was running
around in my own past, man. I thought...
I was just tripping, but then I came
down and I was still here. Oh, dude,
it's so bizarre!
STAN
Oh dude, I should have never touched
that marijuana!
RANDY
Stan, whatever's happened, we going
to help you.
SHARON
That's right. We're a family no matter
what time shift.
FUTURE STAN
Thanks. Can I get another beer?
SHARON
You must be exhausted. Why don't you
get some sleep?
FUTURE STAN
That'd be killer. Where can I crash?
SHARON
Well I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind his
room, would you, Stan?
STAN
What?? I have to share my room with
my future self?? Oh no!
SINGER
Here we are, face to face, "My Future
Self -n- Me"
[Stan and Future Stan stroll down a road. Future Stan has a beer]
STAN
Stop it!
SINGER
So much alike, and yet so different
STAN
No!
SINGER
One of them's messy, the other one's
clean!
[Stan's future self turns off the light while Stan looks pissed
off]
Gettin' along isn't always easy, sometimes we disagree
[Stan's future self brushes his teeth as Stan stands next to
him, avoiding him. Future Stan spits his frothy toothpaste into
the sink]
STAN
Quit it!
SINGER
But in the end we know we're good for
each other
[both Stans eat cereal, but the future Stan has trouble pouring
milk into his bowl. It splashes out of the bowl along with some
cereal. Stan just buries his face in his hands in frustration]
Two peas in a pod, Future Self -n- Me
Future Self -n- Me, Future Self -n-
[Now they have separate beds. Stan turns the light out and tries
to sleep. Future Stan reaches over to turn it on. Stan moves
to turn it on, and they fight over the switch until one of them
sleeps]
Me
[Bus stop, next day. Stan arrives with future Stan]
STAN
Hey guys.
KYLE, CARTMAN
Hey.
FUTURE STAN
Whoa, Kyle and Cartman! It's so cool
to see you guys.
CARTMAN
Who's this asshole?
STAN
This is my future self. He came during
the electrical storm last night and
is caught in a time matrix. He's me
when I'm 32.
KYLE
Wow. That's pretty cool.
CARTMAN
Then how does he know our names?
KYLE
'Cause, artard, he's Stan from the future.
He knows everything Stan knows.
CARTMAN
Ohhh. Wait. Stan becomes this douchebag?
FUTURE STAN
Yeah, I spent a lot of my teenage years
on a slow downward spiral experimenting
with drugs and alcohol.
STAN
Shut up, Cartman!
CARTMAN
That is so awesome!! Thank you God!
Oh praise God!
KYLE
Hey, what happens to me in the future?
FUTURE STAN
Oh, I don't know. You guys stayed away
from drugs, so you're okay. I just lost
touch with you after I was sent to Juvi
Hall in 2006.
CARTMAN
Juvi Hall! Stan's a loser! Stan's
a loser!
STAN
God-damnit!
[South Park Elementary, after school, Garrison's classroom. Stan
and Butters are seated next to each other, and there are no other
kids around]
STAN
Thanks for staying after school and
tutoring me, Butters.
BUTTERS
Uh well, sure thing, Stan. Eh, how come
you care about schoolwork all of a sudden?
STAN
I told you, I can't stand my future
self. I have to do whatever I can to
not become a loser like him.
BUTTERS
Well, studying is the golden key to
the imposing door of success.
STAN
I just can't stand having my future
self around all the time! It's driving
me crazy! Maybe if I get smarter I
won't become him and I won't have to
share my room!
BUTTERS
I know what you mean. I hate having
my future self around, too.
STAN
Yeah, it's like everything I do, he...
Wait a minute, what'd you say?
BUTTERS
I said, I know how you feel. My life
has gone completely downhill ever since
my future self moved in. I hate him!
All he ever wants to do is watch Becker.
And that show is so stupid.
STAN
Dude, how long has your future self
been around?
BUTTERS
Oh. I guess it's been around four months
now.
STAN
Four months?? And you never told anybody
that you were living with yourself in
the future??
BUTTERS
Nobody asked.
STAN
Where is he now?
BUTTERS
Probably watching Becker.
[Butters' house, afternoon. A future Butters is watching TV and
eating chips at the sofa]
BECKER
My name is T. Becker. The T stand for
Terrific.
BUTTERS
See, here he is. Future Butters. Future
self, this is my good friend,-
FUTURE BUTTERS
Stan! Sure I remember you. Yep. Wearing
that puff-ball hat like always.
LINDA
Oh, hello boys. Future Butters, it's
time to take your liver medicine.
STAN
Liver medicine?
BUTTERS
Yeah. My future self has a bad kidney
from all the drinkin' he did in high
school. Amd I need to learn to behave
myself! Hey! Where are you going, Stan?
[Stan's house, moments later. Stan rushes into his room with
Butters in tow]
STAN
Alright, where is that sonofabitch's
wallet?!
BUTTERS
Wha-, what are you lookin' for, huh
Stan?
STAN
Butters, don't you think it's a little
bit of a coincidence that both your
future self and my future self got caught
in a mexterdexed time plane?
BUTTERS
Well they both got the same teacher
for homeroom, too, but you didn't say
anything then.
STAN
Here it is. It has to be something
eh... Wait, what's this? This expires
in two thousand two. Why does he have
this in his wallet?
BUTTERS
I don't follow.
STAN
Three four five one Colfax Avenue.
Come on, Butters.
BUTTERS
Oh! Are we out for an adventure?
[Denver, night. A bus drives up to a curb on the seedy street,
then takes off. Stan and Butters walk down the street]
STAN
Here it is. Motivation Corp.
BUTTERS
I don't think we're supposed to go
in there, Stan. Maybe we should go adventurin'
somewhere else.
STAN
Butters, part of being on an adventure
is you go places you're not supposed
to go.
BUTTERS
Oh. Well, you're good at adventurin',
huh Stan?
[Motivation Corp., interior. Stan and Butters look down a long
hallway. Stan notices a window and looks in. Several workers
are at their computers matching kids up with actors who are to
portray their futures selves]
STAN
What the hell is going on here?
A VOICE
It should take about a month to achieve
the results you want. Well, Mr. and
Mrs. Brooks, I think you're going to
be very pleased with the results.
MR. BROOKS
We sure hope so. We just don't know
how to talk to our son about drugs.
DIRECTOR
Well now you won't have to! Ah, here
he is. This is Josh Casher. He'll be
playing the role of your future son.
JOSH
Nice to meet you, "Mom and Dad."
MRS. BROOKS
My goodness, he does look a little like
Kevin.
DIRECTOR
Yes, and he knows all your family history
and every detail of your house. And
he's worked up quite a future for your
son.
MR. CASHER
I'm going to tell him that I dropped
out of school and went to prison for
eight years, where I was sodomized.
In the ass.
MRS. BROOKS
Woohoo, that should get Kevin to stay
clear of drugs.
MR. BROOKS
Heh it sure should, heh.
DIRECTOR
Alright, then we'll put the fake news
report out on Tuesday night. Make sure
your son is watching the Channel 4 News.
MR. BROOKS
Oh, and that's when uh you'll fake the
electrical storm as well?
DIRECTOR
Motivation Corp. takes care of everything.
Just follow these simple scripts when
your actor arrives.
MRS. BROOKS
"Listen to me, you crazy person, there's
no way you can be from the future."
Oh this is going to be fun.
[Motivation Corp., interior. Stan hurries out of there with Butters
close behind.]
STAN
I can't believe it! It's all a scam!
BUTTERS
Yeah, I can't believe it!
STAN
They've all been lying to us this whole
time!
BUTTERS
This whole time! I wonder if my future
self knows anything about this? Hey,
maybe my future self remembers this
happening, a-and can shed some light
on this subject.
STAN
Butters, don't you get it?! Those assholes
aren't our future selves! Our parents
hired them to make us more motivated!
BUTTERS
Eh, but then why did they come back
to the past
STAN
They didn't come back to the past, you
dumbass, they're actors!
BUTTERS
Oh... Oohhhh. But that's like they're
lyin'
STAN
It is lying, Butters. Your parents lied
to you and my parents lied to me! Get
it!
BUTTERS
Ohhh, that makes me angry! Why, if Professor
Chaos were here he'd make everyone pay!
STAN
Who's that?
BUTTERS
You know, Professor Chaos, bringer of
destruction and disorder!
STAN
What?
BUTTERS
Follow me back home, Stan. It's time
I let you in on a horrible s-secret!
[Butters' house, later. An upper light is on. Butters leads Stan
into his bedroom.]
BUTTERS
Wait right here, Stan. I warn you: you
may not like what you're about to see.
STAN
We have to teach our parents a lesson!
Show them they can't just play with
our emotions like that!
BUTTERS
Now you know my terrible secret!
STAN
...You're gay? It's fine if you're
gay, Butters. I don't care.
BUTTERS
Huh? Naw, I'm Professor Chaos, Stan.
STAN
But we have to teach our parents a lesson,
Butters! We're running away! Help me
find the perfect place to run away to!
BUTTERS
Mm. Uhm, maybe I used a little too
much silver.
[Stan's room, next day. Stan and Butters are on the floor. Butters
is reading the newspaper as Stan watches on.]
BUTTERS
How about this? Winter Farm. It looks
kinda nice.
STAN
No, we gotta run away somewhere warm.
BUTTERS
Wow, look at this, Stan. "Are you sick
of your parents? Do you want revenge
for something they've done to you? Call
the Parental Revenge Center of Western
America for a free con-sul-ta-tion.
Results guaranteed."
STAN
Dude, I didn't know there was such
a thing.
BUTTERS
Hey look, somebody lost their pet.
STAN
Uh, hi, is this the Parental Revenge
Center of Western America? Ah I'm really
pissed off at my parents and I wanna
impose swift and horrible revenge upon
them?
BUTTERS
Look, you can make your weiner bigger
in just three weeks.
STAN
Oh really? Oh, okay, uh where are you
located, please? Great, uumm, can I
come by tomorrow?
BUTTERS
This lady'll massage your weiner for
ninety-five dollars. Well that's a pretty
good deal.
STAN
Eleven o'clock is great. Thank you.
That was easy! I just have to go to
their office and they'll help me figure
out how to get back at my parents!
BUTTERS
Hah-hey, I wanna get revenge on my
douchebag parents, too.
STAN
Fine, then you can come with me.
BUTTERS
Hooray! And then we can make our weiners
bigger, and have the lady massage them.
[South Park, commercial district. Stan and Butters run down the
street and turn the corner into an alley. Stan checks the address]
STAN
I guess this is it.
[Parental Revenge Center of Western America. The headquarters
are quite shabby. What looks like computers and monitors are
just cardboard boxes with crude drawings on them. Stan and Butters
enter. They look around as they approach the main desk]
STAN
Uh hello, we're here about the revenge
on our parents?
CARTMAN
Yes, come in, please.
STAN
Cartman??
CARTMAN
Oh, Stan, Butters, I didn't know it
was you guys.
STAN
What the hell are you doing here?!
CARTMAN
I'm running a business, Stan. Are you
my eleven o'clock?
BUTTERS
You're the Parental Revenge Center of
Western America??
STAN
God-damnit, I knew this was too good
to be true! Come on, Butters, let's
go.
CARTMAN
Eh, so, you don't want to make your
parents suffer and pay for mistreating
you, then? Look, ah, I don't know what
your parents did to you, but if you're
here, I take it they pissed you off
pretty good. Maybe you should at least
...hear what I have to offer?
STAN
Oh, sorry. I thought this was a legitimate
business!
CARTMAN
That it is, I assure you. I started
this business over three months ago
from the ground up. I've beenhelping
children get back at their parents ever
since.
STAN
How many parents have you exacted revenge
upon?!
CARTMAN
Craig's. a-and Clyde's. Oh and and Kyle's,
but that was a freebie. Look, I run
a legitimate business hre with state-of-the-art
computers, charts, and technology. Look
around you. I know how it feels to be
really, really pissed off at your parents.
And I will work hard, for you.
STAN
Our moms and dads lied to us about those
future selves! It was just a trick to
get us to not wanna try drugs or alcohol.
CARTMAN
God-damnit! See? This is exactly why
I started this business. If a parent
can't respect their child, than who
can they respect, huh?
BUTTERS
Yeah!
CARTMAN
Listen! Parents understand one thing,
and that's consequences. They need to
see consequences from their actions,
or else they'll never learn. What my
company does is inflicts those consequences
upon the parents in a very real and
very direct way.
STAN
How much is this going to cost us?
CARTMAN
Eighteen thousand dollars. How about
just... three hundred and eighty seven
easy payments of a hundred ninety nine,
ninety five. How about five bucks?
[Motivation Corp., day. ]
DIRECTOR
So, everything is working out with your
future actor? Your son seems to be responding.
RANDY
I think he's pretty scared alright.
SHARON
It's just a little weird having people
lying to our boy like this.
DIRECTOR
Well, you know what us ultra-liberals
say, when it comes to children and drugs,
lies are OK. The ends justify the means.
We'll take smoking, for instance. The
truth is there's no hard evidence that
second-hand smoke can kill but, we believe
it's okay to lie about it as long as
it gets people to stop smoking.
SHARON
Well that makes sense.
DIRECTOR
So it is with everything here at Motivation
Corp. It's okay for us to lie and tell
kids that all marijuana supports terrorism.
Or that... one pill of Ecstacy is gonna
kill them. It's not necessarily true,
but the ends justify the means.
RANDY
Well I think when this is all over,
our son is gonna thank us.
[Parental Revenge Center of Western America. Cartman prepares
to lay out his plans for Stan and Butters. His cap is gone, as
is the egg-shell chair.]
CARTMAN
Okay, Butters, let's start with you.
I thnk I've found a great way to get
revenge on your parents. Just... tell
me if I'm going in the right direction
here. What we're going to do, Butters,
is we're going to wait for your parents
to leave the house, and then, smear
all the walls... with poop.
BUTTERS
Hwuhh. That'll make them awful sore.
CARTMAN
Now, I want you to take a look at some
of these poop swatches.
BUTTERS
Poop- poop swatches?
CARTMAN
Poop comes in a lot of varieties, Butters.
I wanna find the perfect one, tailored
to your revenge on your parents.
BUTTERS
Hey, that's neato, huh, Stan?
CARTMAN
Now, personally, I like the baby green.
But I also think the classic brown
would go nicely with your house.
BUTTERS
Wow, Eh eh you sure are a p-professional,
Eric! I don't know which swatch I like
best.
CARTMAN
Well, y-you know what we could do, uh,
uh Butters, is go with the baby green
in the living room, and then maybe a
classic brown, or even a nut-n-corn
crunch in your parents' bedroom.
BUTTERS
Well that sounds good.
CARTMAN
Okay, well let's do that then. That
looks nice.
BUTTERS
Hooray!
CARTMAN
Alright, now, Stan. For you I've put
together a really nice design. I feel
your parents were a bit more cocky about
lying to you and your revenge needs
to reflect that. So what I wanna to
is put a note on your parents' door,
telling them I'm the counselor from
the school.
STAN
Yeah.
CARTMAN
The note will inform them that a problem
has come up and they need to see me
right-away, back at my office.
STAN
Yeah.
CARTMAN
Your parents will drive all the way
out to the school and discover that
no meeting is actually taking place.
STAN
Yeah!
CARTMAN
And while they're gone, we're gonna
smear all their walls with poop.
BUTTERS
Wow! Neato!
STAN
That's not neato, that sucks.
CARTMAN
What?
STAN
You're gonna smear Butters' parent's
walls with poop. I thought his revenge
was unique and customized!
CARTMAN
Poop-smearing is the hot ticket right
now, Stan, and... have you seen the
poop swatches.
STAN
Dude, that's not extreme enough! My
parents aren't gonna learn their lesson
from having some crap smeared on their
walls! I want them to see what they
did was wrong! I want them to have them
to admit that they lied to me!
CARTMAN
Okay, okay, fine. I I just, I just,
...my first idea. That's why we have
these consultations. Okay, okay, lemme,
lemme see here. Uh. Oh wait, oh this
is nice. How about this: uh, we'll lure
your parents out of the house, and then
we'll kill them. Uh, we'll cut them
up into little pieces and feed them
to the dog
STAN
Dude!
CARTMAN
Extreme enough for you? How's Wednesday?
STAN
No, that's too extreme!
CARTMAN
Well first it's not extreme enough
and then it's too extreme; where do
you want it?
STAN
Just forget it, Cartman! You don't know
what you're doing!
CARTMAN
I'm a professional, suh! Don't worry
about it, Butters. You're gonna be a
hundred percent satisfied.
[The Marsh house, day. All the Marshes are at the dining room
table eating tacos and chips]
STAN
Hey future self.
FUTURE STAN
Yes, former self?
STAN
You know that thing that I kept hidden
in the hold in the wall for two years
that I've never told anybody about?
You know, the thing that I take out
of the shoebox every night before I
go to sleep?
FUTURE STAN
Oh, uh...
STAN
You must know what I'm talking about.
FUTURE STAN
Sure uh, uh, oh man, could you all
excuse me for a second? I think I'm
gonna crap my pants.
SHARON
Uh, Stan, don't you think you're upsetting
your future self a little?
RANDY
Yeah, Stan, don't be so hard on yourself.
STAN
Mom, Dad, I don't think that guy is
from the future.
RANDY
Oh. You. You don't?
STAN
No. You know what I think? I think
this is all an elaborate hoax! And
I think that whoever is doing it doesn't
have very much respect for me! See,
the best way to try to motivate somebody
is by being direct with them, to be
honest with them. I think the whole
futre self thing is a lie, and lies
are never the right way to get your
message across.
RANDY
Well, you know what I think, Stan?
STAN
What?
RANDY
I think he IS from the future.
SHARON
Yeah, he must be. It's like, I jsut
feel he's our son, you know?
RANDY
Right. That's mother's intuition; you
can't argue with that. No, Stan, I think
the only way you're gonna get of him
is by staying clear of drugs and alcohol.
SHARON
Right.
[Butters' house, day. There's a Hispanic crew in the house painting
the walls with two kinds of poop colors. The furniture is covered.
Cartman enters and walks around the living room]
CARTMAN
Okay, very nice, very nice. Oh wait,
uh, God-damnit! Felipe! The classic
brown poop is supposed to go in the
parents' bedroom! The living room is
supposed to be all baby green poop!
FELIPE
¿Qué? ¿La caca no esta aquí?
CARTMAN
¡La caca de moreno no es aquí! ¡Aquí
es verde, señor! ¡Es verde! ¡Arriba
arriba!
FELIPE
¡Sí, sí señor!
CARTMAN
Sí, gracias. ¿Y tú? ¡Carlos! ¡Carlos,
no! We want a textured effect on the
nut-n-corn crunch poop. That's why we
spackle with the sponge. See? Spackle
gently. Lo marrado. Gently, see? Marrado.
CARLOS
Sí. Marrado.
CARTMAN
Marrado. Spectacularrr.
CARLOS
Sí.
CARTMAN
God, it's so hard to find good help.
Ah! Butters, like what you're seeing
so far?
BUTTERS
Boy, it sure is stinky in here!
CARTMAN
Yeah, well, three hundred gallons of
poop isn't gonna smell like a garden,
Butters. But I think it's coming together
real nice.
BUTTERS
Look, eh, Eric, I've been thinkin',
my parents are gonna be awful sore and
I don't think-
CARTMAN
Yes, well, I've done my job, haven't
I? ¡Pepite, Pepite, no! No come la
taco la trabajar!
[The Marsh house, night. Randy and Sharon talk with the future
Stan]
FUTURE STAN
Yes, well, it's hard to find work in
commercials, so I ended up-
RANDY
Oh, Stan!
FUTURE STAN
Oh, dude, how's it goin', man? Ey, you
wanna go upstaris and play hide and
go seek?
STAN
Hide and go seek, huh?!
RANDY
Yeah, Stan, why don't you go upstairs
and play with yourself?
STAN
I don't believe that he's my future
self!
RANDY
Yeah, but we can't be sure, so we'd
better assume he is and never try that
first marijuana cigarette, huh?
STAN
No, I actually have a way to be sure.
I'm going to cut off my hand. If he
is my future self, then his hand will
disappear.
SHARON
S-stanley you don't need to do that.
He-he is your future self.
STAN
But I have to know for sure.
RANDY
Don't be silly, Stan. You don't wanna
go through life without one of your
hands.
STAN
Maybe it's the hand I smoked that first
joint with. Here I go. I'm gonna do
it.
RANDY
Stan...
STAN
Yes?
RANDY
Uh... nothing. Go ahead.
SHARON
Randy!
STAN
AAAH!
RANDY
AAAHHH! Oh my God! Look! What? His
hand did disappear! He is you from the
future!
FUTURE STAN
Oh, Jesus Christ! Help me!
STAN
That's weird, because I really didn't
cut off my hand. It was fake.
RANDY
Uh.. Look, it was fake in the future,
too.
SHARON
Looks like you'd better really watch
out for marijuana, huh Stan?
[Butters' house. Cartman stands with his crew behind him, their
work finished.]
CARTMAN
Well Butters, I hope you like the work.
I'm sure your parents will be plenty
pissed off.
BUTTERS
Uh, and after my parents get angry,
uh how do we get the poop off the walls?
CARTMAN
Ooo, ah, that's a different company.
Oh! Someone's here! We'd better run
out the back! Pepite! Carlos! ¡Vamonos!
BUTTERS
Uh but Cartman! Wait! Oh Christmas!
STAN
Butters!
BUTTERS
Oh, Stan!
STAN
Butters, we've go-! Oh, God, it smells
in here.
BUTTERS
Yeah, well, three hundred gallons of
poop isn't gonna smell like a garden.
STAN
Butters, we're running away!
BUTTERS
We are?
STAN
Our parents are never gonna admit what
they did was wrong, and they're never
gonna change!
CHRIS
What the hell is this?!
LINDA
Oh my God, our house!
BUTTERS
Oh Geez, ah, I'm gonna get it now
CHRIS
Butters! Do you have an explanation
for this?!
BUTTERS
Oh, not really sir, I just uh...
LINDA
Wait a minute. Chris, don't you see?
This might be our fault.
CHRIS
What, uh-? My God. You're right, Linda.
This is what we get for deceiving our
son.
STAN
Huh?
CHRIS
Butters, listen. The whole future self
thing, well, it was a dirty fib.
LINDA
We just so desperately wanted you to
never try drugs that we used a big scare
tactic instead of ...telling you the
truth.
CHRIS
We though the ends justified the means,
but they don't. They just... don't,
son!
LINDA
We're sorry, baby.
STAN
Get the fuck out of here.
RANDY
Stan! Stan! Oh. Okay, uh, you you might
be wondering why Butters has a future
self, too.
SHARON
Yes, well, eh you see, son, the time
matrix pulled in more people from the
future.
STAN
Aw, stop it, you guys! I know all about
Motivation Corp.! All I've been trying
to get you guys to do is admit that
you lied to me!
RANDY
Oh... Well... Son, we've just been trying
to make sure you know how dangerous
drugs like pot are.
STAN
I've been told a lot of things about
pot, but I've come to find out a lot
of those things aren't true! So I don't
know what to believe!
RANDY
Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably
isn't gonna make you kill people, and
...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism,
but... Well son, pot makes yuu feel
fine with being bored and... It's when
you're bored that you should be learning
some new skill or discovering some new
science or... being creative. If you
smoke pot you may grow up to find out
that you aren't good at anything.
STAN
I really, really wish you just would
have told me that from the beginning.
SHARON
He's right. If we use lies and exaggerations
to keep kids off drugs, then they're
never gonna believe anything we tell
them
RANDY
Well, there's only one person I can
blame. Motivation Corp.!
[Outside Motivation Corp., day. Randy, Sharon, Stan, and Cartman
look at the building and listen at the voices coming out of it]
DIRECTOR
Oh God, who smeared crap all over our
walls?! Oh Jesus, it smells! Oh!
RANDY
You really did a nice job, Eric.
STAN
Yeah, I gotta admit. You really came
through. Thank you. I thought the hangover
black went really nice in the lobby.
SHARON
Well here, Eric, I baked you a huge
box of cookies as a present.
CARTMAN
Thanks. But you know, all this talk
about future selves has made me think,
maybe I should ...take better care of
myself. I mean, maybe I should think
about who I'm going to become.
FUTURE CARTMAN
Atta boy, Eric. You've made the right
choice.
CARTMAN
Who the hell are you?
FUTURE CARTMAN
Haha, it's me, Cartman! You from the
future. I came back to tell you that
this is the day you turn it all around.
You stop eating junk food and you start
studying harder, you stay away from
drugs and alcohol and you become CEO
of your own time-travel company!
CARTMAN
Oh wow, really? That's so awesome!
Now I'll really work to be successful!
FUTURE CARTMAN
Right on!
CARTMAN
Go have sex with yourself, asshole!
I'm not that stupid! Just for that,
I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating
what I waunt, and doin' drugs when I
waunt! Whatevuh! I'll do what I waunt!
FUTURE CARTMAN
No, wait! Oh, God-damnit!
THE END
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