"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 410
"PROBABLY"
Written by
Trey Parker
Recap
[Priest Maxi is shown at the church podium before the congregation]
ANNOUNCER
Previously on South Park...
PRIEST MAXI
Today, we're going to talk about hell.
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Saddam appears at Satan's door]
SADDAM
Hello, Satan!
SATAN
Saddam...
[The Broflovski house. Sheila and Kyle are talking]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Us Jews don't believe in hell.
KYLE
...But what if we're wrong?
[South Park Avenue, day. The kids begin crossing the street]
STAN
Let's go.
STAN
...they've killed Kenny!
BUTTERS
And he had sins that he didn't confess!
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums, dinner. Saddam tries to arouse
Satan under the table. Satan swats Saddam's arm away]
SATAN
No, Saddam. I'm with Chris now.
[The church rectory. Preist Maxi is talking to the boys]
PRIEST MAXI
Boys, it is your Christian duty to save
the souls of your friends!
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums, bedtime. Satan and Chris are
in bed]
CHRIS
I love you, Satan.
SATAN
I love you too, Saddam.
SATAN, CHRIS
Wuh?!
[The Pacific Ocean. A man drives a speedboat. Richie Cunningham,
Ralph Malph, and Potsy Weber go along for the ride, and Arthur
Fonzarelli stands behind the boat on water skis. Wait...]
RICHIE
Fonz, there's no way you can jump that
shark with your water skis.
FONZIE
Aaaay! I've gotta try, Richie.
[The church confessional, day. Cartman opens the penitent door
and sees a woman with her exposed ass up against the partition]
WOMAN
Oh, huhuh.
STAN
Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's
gonna save us?
CARTMAN
Well, it looks like we're gonna have
to save everyone in this town ourselves!
[The beach. Richie, Potsy, Ralph, and Joanie are on the shore
watching the boat driver take Fonzie on his stunt. On shore is
a sign posted on a pair of surfboards that reads "GO FONZ!!!"]
JOANIE
Go Fonz!!!
FONZIE
Aaaaaa-!
ANNOUNCER
And now the exciting comclusion of...
South Park.
FONZIE
-aaaaaayy-err. No! No! No! No!
RICHIE
I told him he couldn't do it.
[South Park Elementary, playground. Cartman stands on a platform
and is preaching to the kids]
CARTMAN
I am saying this because we must be
saved-uh. The LORD is powerful and he
will smote the sinners and send them
to everlasting hell-uh. If you do not
live your life for Him-uh, then to the
lake of fire you shall go-uh!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
You see that, parents. Your children
have refused to come into class since
this morning. I'm afraid your son is
the leader, Ms. Cartman. Apparently
he's read the entire Bible, and now
he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
LIANE
Boopie-kins. It's time to stop preaching
damnation to everyone, sweetie.
STAN
Don't you guys, um, persecrute our
religous beliefs.
KIDS
Yeah!
SHARON
We are not trying to persecute you kids,
but you're supposed to be in school.
STAN
What purpose does school have? The Bible
says the only goal in this life is to
praise God and get into heaven.
KYLE
Yeah, and this life is short. The afterlife
is forever.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Don't listen to them, kids. You have
to go to school.
CARTMAN
Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He
was a playful school-going eight-year-old.
And then yesterday, he was smacked
down by the Lord-uh! God bitch-slapped
him right to the fiery depths of hell.
So when will you go?! Tomorrow?! Ten
years?! Does it mattah?! No! Because
unless you give this life to the Lord,
that life belongs to Satan-uh! But
we cannot worship God in that church
where that priest of sin resides, so
we will build a new church-uh. With
crystal walls, a ceiling 80 feet high,
and a slide that connects this part
hmya to this part hmya . Who will help
us?
KIDS
I will.
CARTMAN
Praise God-uh!
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Satan is seen looking at the
Bargain Hotel Saddam is in]
SATAN
If I go spend the night with Saddam,
then it's over between me and Chris.
Chris has been so nice to me and I
know Saddam will just hurt me again.
M-maybe I'll just go talk to Saddam.
I need closure, yeah. That's it, I need
closure. What am I doing??
SADDAM
What took yo so long, baby??
SATAN
Saddam, I'm just here to talk.
SADDAM
Great! Let's talk! Hm, this bed is
comfy-bumpy.
SATAN
Saddam, I only came here because I need
closure.
SADDAM
Sounds fun. You know me—I'll try anything.
SATAN
No! Saddam, listen to me.
SADDAM
Would you like a drink?
SATAN
Um maybe just- a little one. I have
to go back soon. I need you to understand
that we can't be together anymore.
I need you to not come by the condo
and not try to see me. Chris thinks
we can all be friends, but I don't.
And I have to focus on Chris now. What
is this?
SADDAM
These hotels have all kinds of crazy
channels.
SATAN
Saddam, will you listen to me?! Chris
is a great person. He's the one I wanna
be with now.
SADDAM
Really? So then... What are you doing
here? Well I don't know about you,
but this video is gettin' me pretty
hot!
SATAN
Saddam...
SADDAM
Here, have another drink.
[Hell, Bargain Hotel, Saddam's room. Satan is sleeping away peacefully]
SATAN
Ooh, whoa. God, my head. Drank too
much. Chris! Oh no!!
SADDAM
Man, look at that! We went through
14 bottles of vegetable oil! Ewuh,
I'm all greasy.
SATAN
Oh God, what time is it?!
SADDAM
Last night was awesome! Are we together
again now?
SATAN
I don't know. I, I guess so, but now
I have to go home and tell Chris.
SADDAM
Screw him!!
SATAN
No, Saddam! I at least owe him an explanation!
I jusst don't know what I'm gonna say.
SADDAM
I know how to solve this little problem.
[The Baja California coast, Mexico, day. The camera pans slowly
to the right.]
DRIVER
We are now entering Ensenada, the second
largest city on the Mexican Baja Peninsula.
We have now traveled over 2000 miles
since leaving New York City. We'll just
be stopping here for a few moments for
gas, and then our tour will continue
on to its final destination.
ATTENDANT
Oiga. Hay algo pegado bajo el autobus.
DRIVER
Quey? What's stuck to the bottom of
the bus?
KENNY
(Ahow!)
DRIVER
Oh, goodness! We must have run over
a little Mexican further up north. Is
it okay?
ATTENDANT
Pienso que sí.
DRIVER
Well, here's fifty for the gas. Adios.
KENNY
(Where am I?)
ATTENDANT
¿Qué?
KENNY
(WHERE AM I?)
ATTENDANT
¿Qué?
[South Park, day. Cartman's blueprint for his church is shown,
then the camera pans right to show the actual construction. A
bunch of kids work on the structure, using all sorts of things,
including mirrors for wall panels.]
CARTMAN
This is bea-utiful. Thine church is
almost completed.
STAN
There's no way God will want to send
us to hell now.
KYLE
Yeah, this church kicks a- eh- it kicks!
KYLE'S FATHER
Hello, boys.
KYLE
Don't try to take me away again, Mom
and Dad! I told you! I renounced the
Jewish faith!
KYLE'S MOTHER
It's not that, Kyle. It's just that
Eric's mother needs to see you all right
away! Just really quick—she says it's
very important.
CARTMAN
Very well. Yea. Guys, let us walk to
mine home and see what mine mom wants.
KYLE'S MOTHER
I sure hope this woiks.
[Cartman's house, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle enter. Dialog
from "Not Without My Anus," set to an organ and canned laughter,
is heard as the boys make their way across a living room littered
with toys of all sorts. The room is decorated so that the boys
would forget their "mission" and just play for one afternoon.
Liane shows up with a Cartman favorite.]
LIANE
Hello, kiddies. I made you all powdered
dougnut pancake surprise.
STAN
Wow, cool.
CARTMAN
No! This is a trick! Do not vex me,
oh temptress!
LIANE
What?
CARTMAN
This is a distraction from our work
on the church! Do not think that you
can tempt us with toys and new games
and tidings of powdered dougnut pancake
surprise! For it is the AFTERLIFE we
have concerned ourselves with! Not
the pleasures of this earth, but salvarion
in the world aftah!!
STAN
Yeah!
LIANE
Oh. Well, alrighty then.
[The Cartman kitchen, moments later. Liane enters. Sister Anne
waits with Stan's and Kyle's parents]
LIANE
I... don't think it worked.
ALL
Aw .
[The Cartman living room, moments later.]
CARTMAN
Let us get back to our work at the church
Yea. I shall answer the phone, hyah.
Hello?
KENNY
(Cartman?! Cartman, you've gotta help
me, and I'm not foolin' around!)
CARTMAN
Oh my God!!
STAN
What?
CARTMAN
It's Kenny. He's calling from beyond
the grave!
STAN
Kenny?! What's he say?!
KYLE
Ask him what hell is like.
CARTMAN
Kenny! You have to tell us about hell!
Give us every last horrible detail!
KENNY
(Um...)
[Hell, River Styx Condos. Satan has returned, and is outside
the door to his condo]
SATAN
Oh, God, Chris is gonna be so mad at
me. Well, here it goes.
CHRIS
Hey you.
SATAN
Hi, Chris.
CHRIS
You... were out all night.
SATAN
Yeah, I just... spent the night walking
around the marina.
CHRIS
Satan. You know you're not a very good
liar. You went and saw Saddam, didn't
you?
SATAN
Yes.
CHRIS
Satan, I understand.
SATAN
What?
CHRIS
I still feel secure and safe with you.
SATAN
Oh, n-NO!
CHRIS
What? What's wrong? I said it's okay.
SATAN
I know.
CHRIS
Well, what more do you want from me?
SATAN
Well-, could you not be such a pussy
about it? I mean, can't you just say
"If you ever see Saddam again, I'll
break your legs!" or, or "I'm gonna
go kick Saddam's ass!" or something?
CHRIS
Satan, I'm a Nineties man. I cry when
I need to. I share my feelings and I
keep my mind open about everything.
SATAN
Just... give me some boundaries, be jealous,
go throw a football around, for Christ's
sake.
CHRIS
Now you're starting to hurt my feelings.
SATAN
Ah-, I'm sorry, Chris, it's... it's not
you, really, it's, it's me. You're
the best thing that's ever happened
to me, and for some reason, I just can't
accept that.
SADDAM
Die, pussy!
CHRIS
Aaaah!
SATAN
Chris! Saddam, what the hell are you
doing?!
SADDAM
There. I got rid of the problem for
you. Now there's no conflict.
SATAN
No! Not like this!
[South Park, day. Cartman's church is finished. Red carpet, purple
doors... His new followers are gathered inside]
CARTMAN
Friends, I have to tell you that last
night I received a phone call from beyond
the grave-eh. It was our departed friend,
Kennih! Calling from the depths of hell!
And he described what hell is like in
horrid detail-uh. He said that in hell,
the smell is awful. He said that in
hell, everyone speaks Spanish.
KIDS
Waah!
CARTMAN
He said there is water in hell, but
if you drink it you pee blood out your
ass for seven hours-uh!
KIDS
Whoa!
CARTMAN
And perhaps worst of all, in hell, there
are dozens and dozens of little trinket
stores! But they all have the same little
trinkets in them-eh!
KIDS
Waah!
FATHER
Where is our daughter.
DAUGHTER
Dad?
FATHER
Marcy! You're coming home this instant!
CARTMAN
We are saving your daughter from the
clutches of hell, suh!
FATHER
You're not gonna make my daughter part
of your cult!
CARTMAN
Your daughter could die tomorrow, and
then what?!
FATHER
You're just a stupid little fat kid
who thinks that- Aaaah!
MOTHER
Stephen? Steven, no!
CARTMAN
The Lord has spoken again-uh! O, forgive
us, Lord, for our sins!
KIDS
Forgive us, Lord.
CARTMAN
Let us pray. Heavenly Father, do not
send us to hell. We're sorry, Whatever
we did, we're sorry.
MOTHER
Stephen? Stephen??
[Hell, waiting area. Many souls are there, wondering where they
are, and why.]
STEPHEN
Where, where am I?
MAN
Where are we?
MAN 2
No doubt about it...
WOMAN
What's happening??
MAN 3
Oooooooooh!
SPEAKER
Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody
hear me? Hello? Can everybuh-? Okay.
Uh, I'm the hell director. Uh, it looks
like we have about 8,615 of you newbies
today, and for those of you who are
a little confused, uh, you are dead,
and this is hell, so, abandon all hope
and uh yada yada yada. Uh, we are now
going to start the orientation process,
which will last about-
MAN 4
Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here.
I wa a totally strict and devout Protestant!
I thought we went to heaven!
HELL DIRECTOR
Yes, well I'm afraid you were wrong.
SOLDIER
I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Uh, you picked the wrong religion as
well.
MAN 5
Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven?
HELL DIRECTOR
I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes,
the Mormons were the correct answer.
CROWD
Awww.
HELL DIRECTOR
So now I'd like to quickly introduce
your new ruler and master for eternity,
Satan!
SATAN
Oooyeah!
CROWD
Aaaaahh!
SATAN
Now you are all part of my domain! Everyday
in hell grows larger as my minions...
my m-minions uh... muh, I'm sorry. I
just can't do this today. I'm just...
I'm sorry.
HELL DIRECTOR
Uh, okay. Thank you Satan. Now, uh,
let's begin with the Muslims...
CHRIS
Satan! 'Scuse me. Excuse me.
SATAN
Chris! But I thought you were dead!
CHRIS
Yeah, well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
SATAN
Chris, I didn't mean for Saddam to stab
you in-
CHRIS
Hey, it's alright. All that matters
is that I'm back, and we're together
forever. Right?
SATAN
Uh, ...yeah. Gr-great.
CROWD
Awww.
[Cartman's house, night. Cartman is working at a coffee table
in the living room with Clyde Frog and a Bible]
CARTMAN
Let's see. Matthew 15:11. "Not that
which goeth into the mouth defileth
a man; but that which comes OUT of the
mouth defileth a man." That's a good
one, Clyde Frog. Interesting.
LIANE
Eric, Sister Anne has come to visit
you.
CARTMAN
Yea. It is nice to see you, Sister,
but I must prepare for my next sermon.
SISTER ANNE
Eric, you need to stop what you're
doing. You need to tell all the kids
to go back to school, and back to their
normal lives.
CARTMAN
Sister, have you read this book.
SISTER ANNE
Yes, Eric. A lot more than you have.
CARTMAN
Then you know what it says happens to
those who don't follow the Lord-uh.
SISTER ANNE
Eric, the Lord just doesn't send everybody
to hell. That wouldn't make sense. He
wants people to live their llives.
CARTMAN
Are you saying that what the Bible says
isn't true?
SISTER ANNE
No.
CARTMAN
We've got Jews and perverts and bullies
and all kinds of sinners in this town,
Sister Anne-uh! And without the priest
we've decided to save ourselves. The
only ones that kids can trust now are
me and Jesus!
SISTER ANNE
Uugh. Wait a minute. That's it.
TELEVANGELIST
...And I'm gonna save all of you right
now. I'm gonna heal your sins-eh.
CARTMAN
Whoa.
[Hell, Bargain Hotel. Chris approaches and goes to Room 16, and
knocks on the door]
SADDAM
Hello Satan-ooh, crap! It's you!
CHRIS
Yeah. It's me.
SADDAM
I thought I killed you!
CHRIS
Yeah,
SADDAM, CHRIS
Well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
SADDAM
Right, right.
CHRIS
Do you have a couple of minutes to go
for a walk?
SADDAM
A walk?
CHRIS
Yeah. Just real quick. Around the park
or somethin'.
SADDAM
Is this some kind of trick?
CHRIS
No, I just want you to go for a quick
walk with me. Please?
SADDAM
Well, alright. Just let me grab somethin'
real quick. Okay, let's walk.
[Hell, the park. Saddam and Chris walk side by side]
CHRIS
Saddam, I get the feeling that you don't
like me very much.
SADDAM
Gee, whatever gave you that idea? When
I stabbed you in the head?!
CHRIS
Look, Satan is a very important person
to me. And I know he's an important
person to you, too. So don't you think
it's best for us to just- try and get
along? I realize that some things about
me bother you. So I'd like to hear what
those things are so that I can work
on them.
SADDAM
You know what I don't like you, Chris?
Because you're the kind of guy who,
if someone didn't like him, would take
him for a walk in the park and ask him
why. You're a pussy!
CHRIS
Aaaah! Oh God!
SADDAM
Ah hahaha!
CHRIS
Nooo! Agh!
SADDAM
Aaaaaah!
CHRIS
Ow! Goo-aagh!
[Cartman's church, next day. The child congregation is gathered
again at the church. Organ music plays]
CARTMAN
Today this Jewish boy and all sinners
are going to be saved-uh! Kyle, do you
believe in God-uh?!
KYLE
Yes!
CARTMAN
Do you want to be saved from hell-uh?!
KYLE
Yes!
CARTMAN
That's good, because right now, all
the Jewness is comin' out of your body,
bein' replaced by the Spirit of God-uh!
Theah!
KYLE
Ow!
CARTMAN
Praise God! How do you feel now? Do
you feel the light of God inside o'ya?
KYLE
Uh, I think so.
CARTMAN
Praise the Lord-uh!
CROWD
Praise the Lord. Halleluyah! Praise
God!
CARTMAN
For he is Lord, he is Lord... Bring up
the next person! This boy has been
crippled with sin-uh. But I hear God
saying that this boy will walk!
BUTTERS
Huh-ah Halleluyah!
TIMMY
Timmiiiy!
CARTMAN
We are gonna save you and you are gonna
walk with the Lord-uh!
TIMMY
Timmiiiy!
CARTMAN
Devil be GOAN-uh!
TIMMY
Haaaaah.
CARTMAN
Now WALK, Timmih!
TIMMY
Haaaaah.
CARTMAN
Come on, Timmy, get out of that chair-uh!
TIMMY
Haah.
CARTMAN
The Lord wants you to walk,Timmih! Oo-WALK,
Timmih!
TIMMY
Timmilih?
CARTMAN
He walks-uh!
KIDS
Whoa!
TIMMY
Oh-aah.
CARTMAN
Yes! Praise the Lord!
KIDS
Praise the Lord!
[Hell, River Styx Condos. Satan is talking to somebody outside]
SATAN
And now it's like there's one guy who's
horrible to me but I'm totally sexually
attracted to, and then one guy who's
really nice to me but I'm not sexually
attracted to at all.
BLONDE GIRL
Wow, that really sucks.
SATAN
I've asked everybody for advice, but
nobody seems to know the answer.
BLONDE GIRL
Well, there is one person who I always
used to ask when I needed advice.
SATAN
Who?
BLONDE GIRL
God.
SATAN
God?? I can't do that. I haven't spoken
to God in like, 5000 years.
BLONDE GIRL
Well then, maybe it's time.
[Cartman's church, day. The child congregation is singing and
clapping outside and inside. Timmy is back, with a bandaged head]
KIDS
Do dodo dum do dodo. Do dodo dum do
dodo.
CARTMAN
For he is Lord, Lord Lord Lord. Where
are you from, little boy?
BOY
Denver.
CARTMAN
And God is telling me that you have...
bad eyesight. Is that it?
BOY
Yeah, that's right.
KIDS
Wooooo!
CARTMAN
Well, God is gonna heal those eyes,
and save you from the devil begone!
BOY
Aaah.
KIDS
Hooray!
CARTMAN
For he is Lord, Lord Lord Lord. Right
here we have a little girl who is very,
very ugly! Do you believe he is gonna
cure your face of the uglies?!
UGLY GIRL
Yes!!
CARTMAN
He is gonna take that ugly face and
make you reasonable to look at! Bah!
UGLY GIRL
Waah.
CARTMAN
Bwolololololololololololo! Oh, good
Lord, somebody say "Amen!"
KIDS
Amen!
ALL
Lord Lord Lord.
[A flash of white, and the light dims enough to show clouds roiling
in the sky. Satan comes up quickly, and then stops. This is heaven.
A group of Mormon souls gather around him]
MORMON 1
Hi hi, welcome to heaven, brother. You've
followed the Mormon faith, and so you've
been let in!
SATAN
Uh, actually, I'm just stopping by.
MORMON 2
Well, you've picked a great time! We've
got cookies and punch and we're just
about to start playing charades.
MORMONS
Alright. Yeah.
MORMON 1
And then, brother Stephen's brought
his guitar so we can sing songs about
how much it hurts to lie.
MORMONS
Ooooo!
MORMON 3
Yeahahah!
SATAN
Ah, look, I just need to talk with God.
Is he around?
MORMON 2
Sure. All you have to do is say his
name and he's there.
MORMON 1
I'm so grateful for that.
MORMONS
Me, too. Uh huh.
SATAN
Great. Thanks.
[Heaven, a separate area. Satan walks into it and turns to the
camera]
SATAN
Ah. Hello? g-God? It's uh... Satan.
GOD
Yea. Look upon me, and know me.
SATAN
Hi, God.
GOD
Hello, Satan. It's- been a long time.
SATAN
Yeah.
GOD
What brings you here? Do you wish to
mount your unholy war against heaven?
SATAN
No, I hae a problem, and I- need your
advice.
GOD
You want to rule more than hell? You
want to destroy the earth?
SATAN
No, it's kind of a long story but, well,
it all started when this Iraqi dictator,
Saddam Hussein , was killed by a pack
of wild boars. I remember when I first
met him in hell. It was a lovely morning
in April...
[Cartman's church, day. Cartman leads the kids in singing and
rolls on his back a few times.]
CARTMAN
Halleluyah! Praise the Lord! And now,
I'm receiving a message directly from
God-uh! God is telling me that... each
and every one of you is to walk up to
the stage, and give me one dollar!
So I want everyone to feel the love
of God by coming up heah , and putting
a dollar in the box-ah! Come on, don't
be shy! Come on now!
STAN
Dude, that seems- kind of- weird.
KYLE
Yeah. I don't remember him saying anything
about this.
[Heaven, a separate area. Satan finishes his story]
SATAN
Heh-and now Chris and Saddam just keep
killing each other over and over and...
I don't know which one to pick.
GOD
Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
SATAN
Huh?
GOD
You got kicked out of here for being
a headstrong rebel. And now you're a
whiny little bitch.
SATAN
Well, I just don't know which one to
pick.
GOD
No, you've become dependent on relationships.
So you haven't even considered the option
of not being with either of them. And
if you're not sexually attracted to
someone, you're not ever going to be.
But Saddam isn't right either. He's
the other extreme. You need to spend
time alone so that you can find the
balance, the middle ground. That's what
I always do, because I'm a Buddhist.
SATAN
God, you're right. You know, I've had
steady relationships for the last... thousand
years, and when one ends I just start
another one, but... I haven't taken the
time to be secure with myself.
GOD
Bingo.
SATAN
Hey- Thanks, God. I forgot how clear
you make things sometimes.
GOD
It was nice to see you again, Satan.
SATAN
You too.
GOD
Good-bye.
MORMON 2
Would you like to stay for some cookies
and punch?
MORMON 1
Yes, would you?
SATAN
Uh, no, I need to be getting back.
MORMON 2
Oh, alright then, but you're gonna miss
our big play.
MORMON 4
Yes. We're going to do a play about
how alcohol can ruin family life.
SATAN
Wow. That sounds great, but uh, I really-
gotta go.
MORMON 1
Wehull, he seemed like a nice fellow.
MORMON 4
Yes.
MORMON 2
Let's go make things out of egg cartons.
MORMONS
Oooo, yeah. I'll do that.
[Cartman's church, day. The singing and clapping have resumed.
Stan and Kyle go through some curtains to the back of the church.]
CARTMAN
Yeess. Yeess. It worked, you guys,
it actually worked!
STAN
What worked?
CARTMAN
Eheverybody bought the whole act! They
keep giving and giving until we have
it all!
STAN, KYLE
What??
KYLE
You're keeping that money yourself?
CARTMAN
Of course, you guys! And then we can
make... ten million dollars! Look, the
tooth fairy thing didn't work, the boy
band thing didn't last, so I tried this
route.
STAN
Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. You mean that
this whole thing has just been a way
for you to make ten million dollars?
CARTMAN
It all came to me days ago, when we
were first in Sunday school.
STAN
Well, what about going to hell and
all that?!
CARTMAN
Dude, if God is all-understanding, he
wouldn't send us to hell. Even Sister
Anne told me that.
KYLE
Then why didn't you tell us?!
CARTMAN
My brain is of a much larger size than
you guys's. I couldn't expect you to
understand, not until you actually saw
the cash flow!
KYLE
The only thing of yours that's larger
in size is your big fat ass!
CARTMAN
Suck my balls!
STAN
Dude, I an so disillusioned right now.
[Somewhere in hell. Chris and Saddam are fighting once again.
Saddam charges at him with a gray brick]
SADDAM
Die, pussy!
CHRIS
Ow!
SADDAM
Aaaah!
CHRIS
Aaaah!
SATAN
Guys, guys, guys! Look, you both can
stop fighting now! I've made a decision.
CHRIS
You have?
SATAN
Yes. I... don't want to be with either
one of you.
CHRIS, SADDAM
What?!
SATAN
Saddam, you're an asshole. And you'll
never be the friend that I want. And
Chris, well, you're a pussy. And you'll
never be the lover I want. So I'm just
gonna be alone for a while and learn
to like myself.
CHRIS
Satan. Can we go for a walk in the park?
SATAN
No, I'm not going on a walk! You're
a pussy, Chris, and you drive me crazy;
go away!
CHRIS
Fine.
SADDAM
Hell, you can't leave me, Satan! I won't
let you!
[Cartman's church, next day. Cartman holds forth. Stan and Kyle
stand behind the collection box as kids stop by and put in their
$1 donations]
CARTMAN
Today is another day! And that's another
dollar the Lord needs from you-uh! So
come on up and give to the Lord-uh!
SISTER ANNE
Alright kids, it's time to go! It's
time for this to stop!
CARTMAN
Sister Anne is a blasphemer!
SISTER ANNE
I know you won't listen to me. That's
why I brought somebody else.
KIDS
Wow!
BUTTERS
Jesus!
CARTMAN
Uh oh.
JESUS
Kids, you need to all stop spending
all your time here and go back to school.
CARTMAN
Jesus, ixnay on the oolschay.
JESUS
God doesn't want you to spend all your
time being afraid of hell, or praising
His name. God wants you to spend your
time helping others, and living a good,
happy life. That's how you live for
Him.
CARTMAN
Ee-yes, by doing that, and, putting
a dollar in the box-uh!
BEBE
Let's go ice-skating.
OTHER KIDS
Yea.
BUTTERS
Uhwe can help Timmy learn how to ice-skate,
too.
BOY
Yeah.
CARTMAN
No, come back! You face everlasting
damnation! Wait! No! No! I can't be
cheated out of my ten million dollars
again! God damnit!
KYLE
Serves you right, Cartman!
STAN
Yeah!
JESUS
But Eric, I think this time I have to
teach you a lesson! I'm sending you
somewhere to think about your sins!
CARTMAN
You're gonna send me to hell?
JESUS
No. Worse!
[Ensenada, Mexico, day. Mariachi music plays in the baackground.
A tour bus stops in front of Papas and Beer and drops Cartman
off, then pulls away.]
KENNY
(Eric! Eric!)
CARTMAN
Aw, crap!
[Hell, the park. Satan is strolling through the park in a happy
mood]
SATAN
Hi, Bob. Hi, Rick.
RICK
Hi, Satan.
SADDAM
There you are!
SATAN
Awgh. Not again.
SADDAM
You know you can't live without me.
Now GET THAT ASS BACK TO BED!
SATAN
Saddam, I told you: I don't need you
anymore!
SADDAM
You can't leave me, Satan. Nobody leaves
me.
SATAN
Yes I can! Raaarrr
SADDAM
Aw, you little -prick!
SATAN
Good-bye forever, Saddam!
SADDAM
What are you talking about?! You can
kill me, but I'll be back tomorrow.
SATAN
Not this time! I asked a favor of an
old friend of mine to let you in!
SADDAM
Let me in where?
[Heaven, Saddam is whisked into it, as Satan was]
SADDAM
What the? Hey, what the hell is this
place?!
MORMON 5
Hello, and welcome.
MORMON 1
We're glad you made it, brother.
SADDAM
Ey, who the hell are you?
MORMON 6
We're just about to do a play, about
how much stealing hurts you deep inside.
Come join us.
MORMONS
Yes. Come on. Let's go.
MORMON 6
You're here forever.
SADDAM
Nooo! Nu- nooooooooooo!
THE END
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