"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 507
"PROPER CONDOM USE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on
a hill — Jennifer Lopez doll with car, and some damage from the
firecracker last time.]
STAN
"So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez!"
KYLE
"No, no, please! This time I swear
I won't make albums or movies."
STAN
"That's what you said last time , but
obviously we must now resort to more
drastic measures"
KYLE
"Oh God it burns! It bur-huhurns!"
STAN
"Scream for me, bitch!"
KYLE
"AAAAAAAH!"
STAN, KYLE
Whoa! Awesome!
CARTMAN
Ey you guys! You guys! Come 'ere, you
guys, come check this out!
STAN
Oh no, what now?
CARTMAN
No, you guys, this is really cool. Come
on!
[Kenny's house, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle approach the house.
Kenny's on the front lawn with a dog, and the other boys join
him]
KYLE
What's this all about, Kenny?
KENNY
(Wait until you see what I can do to
the dog!)
CARTMAN
Watch this. It's sooo funny. Come 'ere,
dog, come on. Good dog. Red rocket
red rocket. Red rocket. Red rocket.
Come on.
STAN
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
CARTMAN
I'm milking the dog. They make dog milk.
KYLE
No they don't!
KENNY
(Yeah they do!)
CARTMAN
Yeah, just hold on a minute. The fifth
graders showed us how to do it. Red
rocket. Come on, dog, red rocket! Ohooohhh
STAN
Whoa, cool!
KYLE
That's awesome!
CARTMAN
I told you guys.
STAN
I had no idea dogs made milk; do it
again.
CARTMAN
Dumbass, you can only milk a dog once
every few hours. It doesn't work if
you beat off the dog again right away.
KYLE
You "beat off?"
CARTMAN
That's what it's called when you milk
a dog: beating it off. Don't you guys
know anything?
STAN
Wow, you learned all this from the fifth
graders?
CARTMAN
Yeah, I guess they thought we were cool,
so they showed us how to do it-hey come
here, dog. Dog, come here!
[Stan's house, night. Sharon is holding court in the living room,
in a circle of chairs. She and Randy have eight guests over for
some discussion...]
SHARON
I was really happy with this month's
book. I agree with what Bob and Linda
said-
STAN
Mom! Dad! You gotta see this!
SHARON
Not now, Stanley. This is Mommy and
Daddy's book club night, remember?
STAN
But it's super-cool!
SHARON
Later, sweetie. Anyway, I found myself
enticed by Steinbeck's imagery.
MAN
Uh the first chapter alone was filled
with poetry.
SHARON
Oh, wasn't it? I mean, the first sentence:
"Cannery Row in Monterey in California-"
"-is a poem, a stink, a grating noise..."
It's amazing how with three images
he puts you right there, and...
STAN
Red rocket, red rocket!
RANDY
WAAAH!
SHARON
Stanley, what the hell are you doing?!
STAN
I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket,
red rocket.
SHARON
STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT
NOW!
STAN
My room? Why?
SHARON
Go, Stanley! Ahaha, ahem. Heheh, he,
he gets very good grades.
[Stan's house, later. His parents have entered his room, quite
upset at his behavior earlier. Stan rests his head on his hands.]
SHARON
Stanley, do you know why you're being
grounded for ten months?
STAN
No!
RANDY
Beating off the dog is not appropriate
when we have company! Ah I mean, ever!
Beating off the dog is not appropriate
ever!
STAN
Why?! What's the big deal?!
SHARON
Stanley, don't you understand what you
are doing??
STAN
I was doing "red rocket" to make the
dog's milk come out.
RANDY
No, Stan! What you were doing to the
dog was-ss sexual.
STAN
Huh??
SHARON
You were stimulating the dog, Stanley!
What came out of him was his... r-Randy?!
RANDY
Well, you know, when you do that to
a m-male... the... eh eh you make his...
stuff come out. Well, Jesus, haven't
they taught you these things at school?!
STAN
What things??
SHARON
Sexual education. Haven't you learned
that yet?
STAN
No!
SHARON
Oh. Look, well, you see, Stanley,...
Well, your school should be teaching
this stuff!
RANDY
Yeah! Let's get that damned school on
the phone!
[South Park PTA meeting, night. The parents are there, clamoring
and arguing. ]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Okay, parents. I know a lot of you want
a chance to speak, but we have to talk
one at a time.
SHARON
Look, our kids are learning sexual
things on the street and on television.
There's no way we can stop it. The schools
have to teach them sexual education
at a younger age.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
School policy has been to teach sexual
education later. In the fifth grade.
MR. TWEEK
It isn't soon enough.
STUART
Yeah. Why, just this afternoon our son
was caught beatin' off our dog.
CHEF
Look, parents. Do you really want your
children learning about sex? Part of
the fun of being a kid is being naive!
Let them be kids for a while.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Naive at what cost, Chef? Parents, we
have to face facts: Children in America
are having sex at younger and younger
ages. STDs are affecting younger and
younger kids all the time. The only
way we can combat that is by educating
children before they have sex.
CHEF
The first thing that kids learn about
sex shouldn't be some bitch-scare tactic
about STDs.
KYLE'S MOTHER
No, she's right! With all the teen
pregnancies that are out today, I think
my boy does need to know about sexual
education. From the school.
ADULTS
Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah, we have to.
[South Park Elementary, day. "Fourth Garde B" is shown on a classroom
door. Sixteen boys are present.]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Okay, boys, this is the first day of
sexual education, m'kay? Now, I know
that some of you think this is very
funny. Words like "penis" and "vagina."
Nuh now STOP that, m'kay! We're goin'
tuh get through this by being mature
and grown up, m'kay. Now, this is the
male anatomy, m'kay. Here we see the
testes and the scrotum. STOP that,
m'kay! The next person that laughs is
gonna get a referral! M'kay. Now, in
order to have intercourse, the man takes
his penis, and he... hmmm... uhh...
let's see: the the man takes his penis,
and he... hm.
STAN
Dude, haven't you ever had intercourse,
Mr. Mackey?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, sure I have! It's just... I was
about 19 at the time, so it's been about
21 years... m'kay. Let's see, uh...
I'm pretty sure I took th-yeah I took
the penis, and I bu- uh what the hell
did I do with that damned thing??
[South Park Elementary, day. "Fourth Garde" is shown on a classroom
door — this is Ms. Choksondik's room. Twelve girls are present.]
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright girls, even though this may
be stuff you don't want to hear, you
need to hear it.
WENDY
Oh, we wanna hear it, Ms. Choksondik.
We're excited.
BEBE
Yeah, we think it's gonna be fun!
GIRLS
Yeah!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Fun! It's going to be fun! Well let's
start with our first lesson, then, shall
we? SEXUALLY TRANSMITTTED DISEASES!!
That's right, because unless you get
boys to wear condoms you can and will
get a sexually transmitted disease from
them! How fun is that, hmmm?! Is that
fun?
WENDY
I didn't mean that-
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Today over 20,000 Americans will contract
a sexual disease! TODAY! Twelve thousand
more tomorrow! And the reason is that
you girls wake up in the morning and
say, "It's not going to happen to me."
You say, "Oh, Ms. Choksondik, that happens
to girls in Detroit, in Brooklyn, but
not here in Colorado." WRONG! Gonorrhea,
herpes, clamydia, HPV, HIV, syphillis,
hepatitis B, hepatitis C, the list goes
on and on! These are serious diseases!
They have serious consequences! You
think that sex is about fun and games
and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease!
Here's a little picture of herpes.
GIRLS
AAAHHH!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
And here's a little syphillis for you!
GIRLS
AAAHHH!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
That's right, girls. Here's what happens
when you don't get boys to use condoms!
[The school kitchen, lunch.]
CHEF
Hello there, children.
BOYS
Hey Chef.
CHEF
How is sexual education class going?
STAN
It's dumb. Mr. Mackey doesn't teach
us nothin'.
CHEF
Yeah, I don't think Ol' Mackey knows
a hymen from a hysterectomy. And Choksondik?
I'd be surprised if she's ever gotten
laid in her life.
KYLE
Yeah... Chef, what's "laid"?
CHEF
...Oh, nothin'. Now, move along, children,
you're holdin' up the line.
[The school cafeteria, moments later. The boys exit the kitchen.
Behind them are Tweek, Butters, Kevin and Timmy.]
KYLE
Hey! Maybe we should ask the girls what
they learned in sex ed.
STAN
Yeah. Hey Wendy, did you guys get-
GIRLS
AAAAHHH!
KYLE
What the hell is wrong with them?
STAN
You guys, we just wanna know if you-
GIRLS
AAAAHHH!
WENDY
Stay away from me, Stan!
STAN
Why?
WENDY
Are you wearing a condom?
STAN
...A what?
GIRLS
AAAAHHH!
BEBE
Do any of you have your condoms on?
KYLE
No.
GIRLS
AAAAHHH!
WENDY
Don't you know that without wearing
a condom you could get a disease?
KYLE
Nuh uh.
BEBE
Yuh huh! If you don't wear a condom,
you're gonna get AIDS.
CARTMAN
AIDS?
BUTTERS
Oh, jeez. Ah I don't wanna get the AIDS,
fellas.
KYLE
Is that what you learned in sex ed?
CARTMAN
Mr. Mackey didn't say nothin' about
that.
STAN
Dude, Mr. Mackey didn't know anything
about anything.
WENDY
You guys have to wear condoms. Now,
please, just, just go away. We don't
want your AIDS.
STAN
But Wendy, we don't understand how
thatt-
GIRLS
AAAAHHH!
KYLE
Oh my God, dude.
BUTTERS
Uh what are we gonna do, huh?
STAN
Dude, we gotta go get condoms quick.
BOYS
Yeah.
PHARMACIST
Can I help you boys?
STAN
Yeah, we need condoms!
PHARMACIST
Condoms.
KYLE
Yeah. Quick!
PHARMACIST
How old are you boys?
STAN
Why does that matter?
BUTTERS
Ha-I'll be nine next week.
PHARMACIST
Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.
KYLE
Well why not? You want us to get AIDS?
PHARMACIST
I just don't think kids your age should
be-
ASSISTANT
Mark, we have to be willing to supply
condoms to anyone who requests them.
MARK
But... they're... children!
ASSISTANT
Would you rather them do it unprotected?
CARTMAN
Yeah, you want us unprotected, asshole?!
MARK
I just think that all this sex ed and
condom talk in elementary school is
wrong!
ASSISTANT
Kids are going to do what they do, and
it's up to us to make sure they're protected.
STAN
Well, I'm glad this lady's on our side.
MARK
I don't think we have any that'll even
fit them!
ASSISTANT
Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators
for kids. 'Lil Mini's. They're specially
designed for kids under 10, and they're
only five ninety five for a box of fifty.
BUTTERS
Fifty?? Uh, can't we just use the same
one every day?
ASSISTANT
No, you have to change it.
KYLE
Oh, jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons
of these things.
[Ms. Choksondik's house, night. Mr. Mackey has come by for a
visit. Books sit on two tables and the floor]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh thanks so much for letting me come
over, Ms. Choksondik.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Oh, it's no problem, Mr. Mackey. It's
probably best we come up with a lesson
plan together anyway.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yeah I've already gone over most of
the basics, you know, uh with the boys,
but I uh... eh just wanted to see what
else you were teaching the girls, in
case I... "missed" anything.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Well we should make sure our students
are good and scared of the consequences.
We have to teach them that diseases
are possible even with just oral sex.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Right! Oral sex, which of course would
be...
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Using your mouth on the penis or vagina.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Penis or vagina, right. Oral sex, m'kay.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
It's just too bad these girls are having
sex so young.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yeah, why d-uh, did you?
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Did I what?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well uh, how long did you wait before
you had... uh... doobers.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Well, if you must know, I'm still somewhat
of a virgin. But I'm not ashamed of
it! I wasn't sought after much in high
school or college. I was made fun of
most of my life for having such large
glasses. The only boyfriend I ever
had was this attractive popular boy
named Steven Garrett. I liked him very
much, but I... found out that he was
dating me because he lost a bet on the
Superbowl. The loser had to go out with
me for three days.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
People can be very cruel. Anyway, I
know it's hard to understand.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Ah actually I understand perfectly.
I... I wasn't exactly the captain of
the football team, either, huh huh,
hehehuh, anyhow And then as I got
older my... my head just sorta seemed
to get bigger while the rest of my body
stayed the same. That's how I got my
nickname in college.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Your nickname?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
"That guy with the really big head."
MS. CHOKSONDIK
...Right.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Anyway, I... I sort of lost any confidence
and fourd it possible to ever ask a
woman out, mm, hm mm.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Wow, I've... never met a man who is...
as sexually unappealing as me.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Neither have I.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Well, I'm quite happy without sex.
I mehean, with all the diseases and
problems out there, who needs it, right?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh not me! Huhuh, okay.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Well, back to the lesson plan, then.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Right.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Okay. "Oral Sex"
[Bus stop, day. The boys are gathered there waiting...]
STAN
Doesn't it give any other directions?
BUTTERS
Nope. It looks like you're just supposed
to roll it over your weiner. "If used
properly, latex condoms are effective
against pregnancy, AIDS and other studzes"
KYLE
Uh, what are "studzes"
BUTTERS
How the heck should I know? Why, it's
just a little doughnut. Hoh- it's all
gooey.
CARTMAN
Just put it on, Butters.
BUTTERS
Ha-a how come I gotta go first?
CARTMAN
Butters, will you stop ff-fili-bustering?
BUTTERS
Ma-a-a-a-a-a alright, man. O-o-o-o-h,
it's sticky.
KYLE
It says you gotta check it for holes
or tears.
BUTTERS
I don't even understand how this thing...
ooh, wait. Oh, I see.
STAN
Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo!
CARTMAN
I wasn't looking as his schlong, I was
seeing how to put the condom on!
KYLE
Sure.
BUTTERS
But it won't stay on. I I need a rubber
band or somethin'.
TWEEK
Ah I got rubber bands.
BUTTERS
Ow! Huhuh, ow! Okay, eh. Ow! There.
Okay, I think it's on.
STAN
How do you feel?
BUTTERS
...Pretty good.
CARTMAN
Do you feel protected?
BUTTERS
Yeah, there ain't nothin' that's gettin'
in my weiner through this thing? A-and
it's even got a little reservoir at
the end so you can... pee in it.
STAN
Alright, here, everybody. Tweek, give
everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's
gotta help Timmy put his condom on.
TIMMY
Timmehah!
[South Park Elementary, day. Principal Victoria has called the
teachers together in her office. Chef is there as well.]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Teachers, I have some bad news. Last
night I received a phone call from the
local pharmacist. Apparently, almost
all of our fourth graders are sexually
active. And now that we've scared them
a little they're buying condoms to use.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
I knew it! Well, at least we scared
them enough to protect themselves. But
now maybe you'll believe me when I say
that we need to be teaching even younger
than fourth grade.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
But how old do you think a student should
be when they learn about proper condom
use?
MS. CHOKSONDIK
...Kindergarten.
CHEF
Kindergarten?!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
We've got to get to the students before
they start having... sex. Nu-not after.
CHEF
Aw, now this is getting ridiculous!
MR. ADLER
I have to agree with Ms. Choksondik.
It's our responsibility to make sure
our kids are safe if they're gonna screw
around.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
I guess we have no choice.
[Kindergarten, next day.]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, who can tell me what
a condom is? Yes, Jenny?
JENNY
It flies around and it's endangered.
MR. GARRISON
That's a con-dor, Jenny. Con-dor. Con-doms
are what we use to stop the spread of
STDs. Yes, Filmore?
FILMORE
Can we do fingerpaint?
MR. GARRISON
NO, we can't do fingerpaint! You kids
wanna get herpes?! Huh?! How about a
nice bucket of AIDS?! Sound good?! Now
pay attention, alright? I'm going to
show you the proper way to put on a
condom. First of all you remove the
condom from its package. Then you find
which way the condom rolls out. Put
it in your mouth... And apply. And
it's as simple as that. Any questions?
[Ms. Choksondik's classroom, same time.]
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright girls. Yesterday we went over
the myriad of diseases you can get from
boys, but today we're going to talk
about the most horrible they can give
you of all. PREGNANCY! That's right,
since you girls have decided to be sexually
active, teen pregnancy is at an all-time
high! You seem to think it's gonna be
fun and neat to have a baby-well, let's
watch a little video, shall we?!
NARRATOR
Snacky S'mores presents: The Miracle
of Child Birth. The time is drawing
close for delivery. Here we can see
the water breaking.
GIRLS
Eeeeww.
NARRATOR
Later, the contractions are happening
closer together. Mom sure is in a lot
of pain. Now we can see the crown of
the baby's head, stretching the vaginal
walls in ways never before thought possible
by Mom. Finally, the miracle happens,
and the baby is born. but Mom's not
done yet.
GIRL
Eeww.
NARRATOR
She still got some afterbirth to push
out of her.
GIRLS
AAAAAAAA!!!!
NARRATOR
That's right.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Girls! Girls! Where are you going?!
[Mr. Mackey's class, later. Some of the boys, including Stan
and Kyle, have their hands over their crotches.]
STAN
Man, this condom's driving me crazy.
KYLE
Yeah. I've changed mine three times
already 'cuase it itches so much.
CARTMAN
Yeah, but it makes going to the bathroom
easier.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Alright, boys, I now have all the information
I need to teach you the female anatomy,
hm'kay. M'kay, this part here is the
vaginal opening. This is where the
man puts his- Eric, what the hell are
you doing?
CARTMAN
I'm putting on a new condom. I filled
the other one up.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Why are you wearing a condom?
CARTMAN
So I don't get AIDS.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting
around, you have to get it from sex.
STAN
From sex??
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yes.
KYLE
You mean, intercourse with a girl?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yes! Now will you all pay attention,
please?! The vagina and the clitoris
are on the outside, and they are in
fact very easily visible to the naked
eye.
STAN
All this time... It's the girls that
give us diseases!
CARTMAN
I knew it! Girls lie! They lie right
to your face!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Now here we can see the interior female
anatomy. Things like the uterus and
the ovaries are on the inside
KYLE
Well that does it! If us boys are going
to live, we have to get rid of the girls!
STAN
Yeah, come on guys, this is war!
BOYS
Yeah! That's right! Come on!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
And here we see the tender, magical
uterus. Here we see the enticing, voluptuous
Fallopian tubes, m'kay.
[Mr. Garrison's room, later]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, now I wanna review the
different sexual positions. Who can
tell me which sexual positions we talked
about?
FILMORE
Miss'nary position?
MR. GARRISON
Missionary position, good. A little
boring, but tried and true. What else?
GIRL
Doggie?
MR. GARRISON
That's right. Doggie style we went
over, mhm.
BOY
Pile driver?
MR. GARRISON
Uh huh, pile driver position. Good,
Quaid.
SALLY
The Filthy Sanchez?
MR. GARRISON
Yes, good Flora, you remembered the
Filthy Sanchez.
BOY 2
Hot Karl?
MR. GARRISON
Yes,you can give your partner the ol'
Hot Karl, sure.
[A barren field near the school, day. An army of boys comes in
from a distance in makeshift military vehicles. Butters is wearing
a hockey mask. Clyde comes up and stops them.]
CLYDE
There, you see? The girls have built
some kind of stronghold to keep us out.
WENDY
Stay away from us, bastards! We don't
wanna get pregnant!
BEBE
Yeah! Just take your diseases and go
away forever!
STAN
Ha! They're your diseases!
KYLE
Yeah! You get out of town!
CARTMAN
Here, talk to them, Butters.
BUTTERS
Uh, me?? Huh, what the heck am I supposed
to say?
CARTMAN
Just tell them that if they leave town
peacefully, we won't have to resort
to violence.
BUTTERS
Just walk away. You can put a stop
to all this. Just walk away and we will
spare your lives. Just walk away.
KYLE
Man, he's pretty good.
BEBE
We'll never walk away. Never!
KENNY
(Waa-ooo!)
CARTMAN
Oh, bitch!
STAN
That does it! Attack!
[Ms. Choksondik's house, at that moment. They have books open]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay, so apparently the lesson plan
tomorrow is s'posed to involve the secretion
of bodily fluids, m'kay.
Ms. Choksondik I've already gone through that with the girls.
[closes her book and sets it down] It's pretty simple. Do you
wanna drink?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Why, sure. Hey uh I think I can...
get through that stuff pretty quick,
mm... Uh, maybe we should come up with
another lesson plan.
Ms. Choksondik [hands Mr. Mackey his drink] Something about how
nerve endings play an important part in intercourse. [sits down]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, right, right, uh, like in the ...nipples.
Ms. Choksondik Or the... shaft... of the penis? [they look away
from each other]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
It... says here that the uh, head of
the penis is actually the... most sensitive...
part, m'kay.
Ms. Choksondik Why, yes. The nerve endings are the most concentrated
at- the- tip of the penis. Like they are in the... [looks at
him. They draw close to each other] clitoris of the woman.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
And these... are the two areas most
important to-
Ms. Choksondik Sexual stimulation. [they kiss quick, then kiss
full and long. Some love music comes up. She pulls back] Oh,
is this wrong?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I don't know. It doesn't feel wrong.
I've been thinking about you a lot,
Ms. Choksondik.
Ms. Choksondik Yeah? What do you do when you think about me?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I go crazy.
Ms. Choksondik Do you touch yourself?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yeah. Hmm.
Ms. Choksondik [writhing] Haawww. Haawww.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
G'oh, m'kay.
Ms. Choksondik Oh my God. Oh God, yeah! Stop! Stop!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Huh, what's wrong?
Ms. Choksondik It's your turn. [goes down to work on him]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Mm, oh, oh Ms. Choksondik. Okay! Okay!
Ms. Choksondik [gets up] Do you want me?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I do.
Ms. Choksondik Tell me.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I want you. M'kay.
Ms. Choksondik Wait wait wait! Do you have a condom?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well. No.
Ms. Choksondik [looks into his eyes and then] Oh well, fuck it
[they go down, and the consummation begins] Oh God, give it to
me! [his ass rises for the first time]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh yeah. Woh.
Ms. Choksondik Woh. [his ass appears again] Ooh, that's it baby!
That's it!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Aw, this feels so good, m'kay.
[The empty field. later. The battle is joined. Kids run around
seeking positions from which to shoot. Seven boys come up to
the stronghold gate. A girl fires a Gatling gun at them from
the left side, and they scatter, dropping their weapons]
BOYS
WAAAAHHH!!
GIRLS
Waaaahh!!
[The Marsh house. Randy and Sharon are reading papers when the
house moves about as if an earthquake had just rolled by. Sharon
drops her paper]
SHARON
What the hell was that?
[Ms. Choksondik's house. Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik rise from
their activity and look out the window]
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Did you feel something?
[Chef's house. The front door opens and he walks out. He's shocked
at what he sees.]
CHEF
Oh, no!
[South Park Elementary. The four remaining staff members, Principal
Victoria, Mr Garrison, Mr. Adler, and Ms. Chosie, walk out and
see the wreckage. Principal Victoria puts her hand over her mouth
in dumbfounded shock]
MR. GARRISON
Jesus Christ.
CARTMAN
Ew, Butters? You're in big trouble now.
[The empty field. later. All the parents have come by to make
sure their kids are okay. The wreckage still burns]
SHARON
Well,I don't know what got into you
kids. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
STAN
We just didn't want the girls giving
us diseases.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
I'm afraid this is all my fault. I...
think I went a little overboard scaring
the girls. I forgot to tell them that
to get diseases from boys you... have
to thave sex with them first.
KIDS
Oooohhh.
CHEF
Well, I hate to say it, but you all
got what you deserved.
PARENTS
Huh?
CHEF
Look: Schools are teaching condom use
to younger and younger students each
say! But sex isn't something that should
be taught in textbooks and diagrams.
Sex is emotional and spiritual. It needs
to be taught by family. I know it can
be hard, parents, but if you leave it
up to the schools to teach sex to kids,
you don't know who they're learning
it from. It could be from someone who
doesn't know, someone who has a bad
opinion of it, or even a complete pervert.
MR. GARRISON
Wha? Why did you pan to me just now?
What the hell is that s'posed to mean?
MS. CHOKSONDIK
He's right. I never knew how special
and personal sex was un... until just
recently
SHARON
This whole mess started because we couldn't
talk to our boy ourselves.
KYLE'S MOTHER
It's easier to just leave it up to the
school, but it's...just not a school
subject.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Then it's decided: no more condom classes
in grade school.
KIDS
Hooray!
STAN
But Chef, when is the right age for
us to start having sex?
CHEF
It's very simple, children. The right
time to start having sex is... 17.
KYLE
Seventeen?
CHEF
Seventeen.
KYLE'S MOTHER
So you mean 17 as long as you're in
love?
CHEF
Nope, just 17.
KYLE'S FATHER
But, what if you're not ready at 17?
CHEF
Seventeen! You're ready.
STAN
Well, I guess we got a while to wait
before we have to worry about sex and
diseases, huh, Wendy?
WENDY
Yeah. Thank God.
CARTMAN
Well, I guess now that that's out of
the way, we can get on with our lives.
Come here, boy! That's it. Red rocket,
red rocket. Come on, now. Come on, red
rocket, dog. Red rocket now.
THE END
MR. GARRISON
Okay children, so what other sexual
positions have we talked about? Yeah,
the wrap-around butt grab. Sure, can't
forget that. Uh huh, reverse cowgirl.
Good, Kevin. Hot Lunch, sure, she likes
that. Donkey Punch, uh huh. Glass-bottom
boat. Good one, yes. Fish-eye. Good,
Jenny. Chili dog. Mm-hm.
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