"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 811
"QUEST FOR RATINGS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[An announcer introduces the news over some action-type music]
ANNOUNCER
This is closed-circuit television for
South Park Elementary School. And now,
Super School News. News made for students,
by students.
JIMMY
Welcome to Ssuper School News. I'm Jimmy
Valmer.
CARTMAN
And I'm Rick Cartman.
JIMMY
The price of milk money will go up next
Monday to 49 cents. The school claims
the added money is due to the cow shortage
in South Park County.
CARTMAN
Parent-teacher conferences will be held
this Wednesday night, from seven to
nine. So kids, get a lot of playing
in before you get grounded. And now,
for a look at what's on the menu for
school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh.
[Reporting from the cafeteria, Stan.]
STAN
Eric, it looks as though the school
will be serving a chicken cutlet. Now
that's traditionally a uh, a white meat
chicken... breast, if you will, that
has been breaded, and then cooked. I've
been told there will also be tater-tots,
and a vegetable dish. This is really
shaping up to be a ah ah one fantastic
lunch. Eric?
CARTMAN
...Hard-hitting reporting, Stan. Thanks
a lot. And now, here with the celebrity
watch is Butters Stotch. Butters, seen
any celebrities?
[Reporting from the sidewalk in front of the school, Butters.]
BUTTERS
Nu-noo, not yet. I've been standin'
out in front of the school for about
...two hours now ah, and I haven't seen
any celebrities. Uh about thirty minutes
ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver,
but ih ih turn- it turns out it was
a dead horse.
CARTMAN
All right, Butters, keep your eyes open.
BUTTERS
Will do.
JIMMY
More snow for South P... p-p Park. Here's
Token Black with the weather.
TOKEN
Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive
snow storm is headed South Park's way.
I asked my dad last night and he said
that he heard the snow storm is expected
on Tuesday. Guys?
CARTMAN
Kyle Broflovski now joins us for a look
at sports. And Kyle, the girls' basketball
team just can't get it right.
KYLE
Another devastating loss for the Cows
last night, Eric. They were ahead in
the game until Kelly Anderson crying
because she missed her daddy, who's
on a business trip in Thailand. Uh,
Kelly was so upset she couldn't play,
and the Cows had to forfeit.
CARTMAN
Cows are on a six and O slide since
Kelly's father left for that business
trip.
JIMMY
And that's all for Super School News.
Enjoy your day at South Park Eh- ...eh-
...eh- ...eh- ehehehehe eh- ...Elementary.
STAN
And we're cut!
CARTMAN
All right, nice reporting, guys. Nice.
BUTTERS
Boy, that was a GREAT episode!
STAN
Yeah, I think that was one of our best
shows yet.
MAN
Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
The school has to cancel your show?
KYLE
What??
JIMMY
For God's sake, Mr. M-m-Meryl?
MR. MERYL
Well, the students just aren't watching
ya. Your rating was only a four this
whole week.
CARTMAN
How many students is that?
MR. MERYL
Four. Four students watch your show.
And meanwhile, Craig's show is getting
a 57!
STAN
...Craig's show??
CARTMAN
What is that butthole doing now?!
MR. MERYL
O-hoh, it's brilliant! It's all just
video footage of animals close-up with
a wide angle lens.
CLYDE
Animals Close-Up With A Wide Angle
Lens.
STAN
But that's... that's crap! That's not
even TV!
MR. MERYL
It's what the students want, and it's
cheaper to make than yoru show. Just
one person and a video camera. Craig
is a genius. Uh sorry, kids.
JIMMY
But, Mr. Meryl, we're trying to bring
the news to the students. They need
to know the facts, and our news team
them, very much.
MR. MERYL
Kids don't care about the news, boys.
It's boring. Kids wanna see animals,
close-up, with a wide angle lens.
CARTMAN
Please, Mr. Meryl, but, the news is
our life. Withot it, we have nothing.
MR. MERYL
I'm sorry, kids. Y-y-you should be proud
of what you've done. It's just that
it's kind of gay.
CARTMAN
...You're gay!!
BUTTERS
Gee whiz. We sure worked hard on that
new show.
STAN
Apparently it doesn't matter how hard
you work.
WHISTLIN' WILLY
Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin'?
CARTMAN
Fuck off, Whistlin' Willy. We're not
in the mood.
WHISTLIN' WILLY
If you want a pizza, you've gotta whistle.
Come on! There you go!
CARTMAN
God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South
Park!
STAN
Hey look, Craig just walked in.
KID 1
Yeah!
KID 2
Hey look, it's Craig!
KEVIN
Hey, Craig, over here!
KYLE
Geez, and all that from a stupid video
show.
CRAIG
Oh hey guys. Heard about your news
show being cancelled.
CARTMAN
Go play with yourself, Craig.
CRAIG
Yeah, well, I've got an overall deal
with the school, heh. They're paying
me six dollars a week to come up with
new shows.
STAN
Your idea took about this much thought,
Craig!
CRAIG
This much more than you had! Hey,
a round of root beers for everyone!
On me!
KENNY
(Woohoo!)
CARTMAN
Kenny, what the hell are you doing
with this asshole??
KENNY
(Craig just asked me to do his show,
geez.)
CARTMAN
You're helping Craig make his show?!
I can't believe you would betray us
like that?! We've always been supercool
to you! Ah whatever, Kenny!
CRAIG
Hey gang, I brought the new episode
of wide angle close-up animals.
CLYDE
Put it, put it up on the, monitors!
KIDS
Cuuute. Super cuuute.
KYLE
Gah, I just don't get it.
TOKEN
Wow, those animals are pretty cute.
STAN
Token! Now, come on, guys! We worked
too hard to just roll over for Craig
and his stupid overall deal. Instead
of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves,
we just need to figure out how to make
our show better!
KYLE
Yeah. Maybe if we can get higher ratings
by the end of the week, he'll let us
stay on the air!
BUTTERS
Well, what are we waitin' for?!
STAN
Come on, guys!
[Student Conference Room 1-F, later. Inside, A sign above the
chalkboard reads "Idea Room." Cartman has his feet up on the
table. Stan paces the floor.]
STAN
All right, we all need to come up with
ideas for our show.
KYLE
How about we revamp the name? Super
School News sounds dry.
CARTMAN
It should be Sexy News.
TOKEN
Action News.
STAN
Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good.
KYLE
Maybe the problem is we don't have very
good stories to report on.
CARTMAN
Right. We should make up stories, because
they'll be far more interesting.
BUTTERS
Hey, yeah. Uhwhy I could say I saw celebrities
even though I didn't, a-a-and then lie
about what I saw them doing.
CARTMAN
Gosh, Butters, write that down!
BUTTERS
Lie about celebrities.
STAN
We have to appeal to all the students,
so we, we need hot girls for the sixth
graders...
CARTMAN
And panda bears for the preschoolers.
STAN
Good!
KYLE
Maybe we need to make students think
they have to watch our news show or
they'll die.
TOKEN
Yeah! We should make up a bunch of reports
about how dangerous it is to be alive.
BUTTERS
Oh boy!
JIMMY
Fellas, are you sure all of this ie
eh- ethical?
CARTMAN
We're in fourth grade, Timmy. We don't
even know what ethical means.
STAN
All right, Sexy Action School News Team,
it's time to go to work. Get out there
and get some stories!
BUTTERS
Sexy Action School News Team, ho!
CARTMAN
Ah, Token, can I have a quick word with
you? Look, Token, I, I know the guys
are having trouble bringing this up
with you, but uh... Well the thing is,
Token, we... we really need to revamp
your whole TV persona.
TOKEN
Huh?
CARTMAN
You see Token, people really enjoy seeing
African-Americans on the news... Seeing
African-Americans on the news, not hearing
them. That's why all African-Americans
newspeople learn to talk more... wha,
how should I say... white. Token, all
the great African-Americans newspeople
have learned to hide their ebonic tribespeak
with a more pure Caucasian dialect.
There's no shame in it, and I think
it'll really help our ratings.
[The announcer introduces the show]
ANNOUNCER
This is South Park Elementary School
closed-circuit television. And now,
Time for the Sexy Action School News!!
CARTMAN
Is South Park about to explode from
a methane gas leak? More on that later.
But first, Stan Marsh has a look at
some new outfits for the Raisins girls!
[Reporting from Raisins, Stan Marsh. He's surrounded by Raisins
with shorter shorts and tank tops]
RAISINS GIRLS
Woohoo! Woohoo!
STAN
Eric, the outfits are even skimpier
than before, leaving very little to
the imagination. No doubt that if I
were a little older, I would be aroused.
RAISINS GIRLS
Woowoo!!
CARTMAN
And now, for a look at the weather,
here is Token Black, and Token, I hope
there's no tornadoes headed our way.
TOKEN
No tornadoes, Eric, but interestingly
enough, there is a low-pressure storm
moving in over the Park County Valley.
Should bring us some chilly days ahead.
JIMMY
The Park County School Board has approved
a bigger budget for the computer lab
up-
CARTMAN
Oooo, hang on, Jimmy, it looks like
Kyle has the jinx on some students'
bathroom habits. Kyle?
KYLE
Eric, sources are speculating that
third-grade student, Pete Thelman ,
pees sitting down like a girl. We've
also got confirmation that Sally Turner
stuffs her bra. And Clyde Donovan has
only one testicle.
CARTMAN
One testicle! What an asshole!
TOKEN
Uh oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness
Minute!
CARTMAN
Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness! And now,
let's get a look at the celebrity scene
shot, with Butters.
JIMMY
This isn't the news, this is a tr-tr-tr...
travesty.
[Student Conference Room 1-F]
CARTMAN
All right, so after my report on the
unsanitary conditions of the school
cafeteria, we're goin' to Kyle for the
story on Brian Teeves trying to make
out with Susan Farkle.
STAN
Then let's do Token's report on how
global warming is going to kill everyone
in the fifth grade.
TOKEN
That is a terrific idea, Stan, A-Okay.
JIMMY
Fellas! Fellas, I got fant-tastic news!
The vice-President, Dick Cheney, was
in Denver yesterday, and I got an interview
with him for our news show.
CARTMAN
Oooo, interview with the vice-President,
hmmm. Frankly, Jimmy, I don't know how
we're gonna fit that in between cheerleader
pie-eating and Who's got Skidmark Monday.
JIMMY
But this is real news!
CARTMAN
It's boring news, Jimmy.
JIMMY
How do you know?? You you haven't s-seen
it yet!
CARTMAN
All right, tell me about it.
JIMMY
Well, in the interview, Mr. Cheney tells
me all about how the-
CARTMAN
Aww! Ohh! God, I just got so sleepy.
I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
JIMMY
Look, fellas, I've got a real problem
with the direction our news show is
going! We're dumbing down the school!
STAN
No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb.
We're just giving them what they want.
KYLE
We're making the news more appealing
to students.
JIMMY
This isn't the news! This a b-b-bastardized
quest for ratings! Damnit, we have a
journalistic responsibliltiy to bring
students the fa... the facts! Don't
you see what we've done? In our efforts
to compete with Craig's small-minded
show, we've made a mockery of n-nununews
reporting. I remember when we all made
an oath to each other, way back when
started playing news reporter, that
we would never let anything jeopardize
our integrity! Well our integrity is
jeopardized! And if we can't report
news the honest way, what good is n-news
reporting?
[Mr. Meryl's office, Audio-Visual Department]
MR. MERYL
Boys, first of all, I want to tell you
how impressed I am with your ability
to get more ratings. Your show beat
Close-up Animals with a Wide Angle Lens
by three viewers!
THE BOYS
All right! Woohoo! Awesome!
STAN
I knew we could do it!
KYLE
We beat Close-up Animals!
CARTMAN
Oh man, this is sooo great! We, we worked
so hard to be on top! Oh, oh come'ere
you!
MR. MERYL
Yes, but unfortunately, you got crushed
in the ratings by Craig's new show.
STAN
Craig's new show?
MR. MERYL
All the students love it. It's an incredible
idea called Close-up Animals With a
Wide Angle Lens... Wearing Hats. Take
a look. That Craig is a freakin' genius,
I tell ya. He like... an idea machine.
BUTTERS
Does... Does this mean we're still gonna
get cancelled?
MR. MERYL
I'm afraid it's worse than that, boys.
I'm gonna have to give you all F's in
Extracurricular AV Class. You have to
learn now how important ratings are!
STAN
Hey wha-b-but we gave it our best.
MR. MERYL
Yes. And I guess your best wasn't good
enough .
[In the hall. Mr. Meryl closes the door behnd them.]
STAN
I don't believe it.
CARTMAN
I can't lose this extracurricular credit.
I need it to pass fourth grade!
BUTTERS
Stupid news hair!
JIMMY
Fellas! Don't you see? This proves my
point. We have to elevate our ideas
up, not down.
KYLE
Yeah, Jimmy's right. I know we can come
up with way better ideas than Craig.
STAN
Yeah. To save our show, all we need
to do is come up with the best idea
for an episode ever!
[Student Conference Room 1-F. The kid reporters sit around trying
to think of something, anything, but all there is is silence]
KYLE
What if we do a show where we go to-
Uh, no.
CARTMAN
How about we have us, um... hmmm.
STAN
Come on, doesn't anybody have any show
ideas?
BUTTERS
Well how about we get panda bears and
we have them dance around with us.
TOKEN
We did that!
JIMMY
Wow, coming up with ideas is... hard.
STAN
Look, you guys, if Craig can do it,
we can do it! Come on! How about we
do a show with us... ughhh.
KYLE
Thee... uhhh. What if the-?
CARTMAN
Wait, I've got it. Crab people.
STAN
Crab people?
CARTMAN
They're like half crab, half people,
and they live below the ground.
STAN
Dude, I think we can do a little better
than crab people.
BUTTERS
Hey, I know! We should read the funnies!
I always get good ideas from the funnies.
CARTMAN
Butters, only gay little dweebs read
the funnies!
BUTTERS
Yeah! I read 'em all the time! Uh here's
one: the uh, snail tripped over a hurdle,
a-and the other snail says "Well that's
gonna add another hour to his time."
Yeah! You guys! Heh.
CARTMAN
How about we do a show where we kill
Butters?
BUTTERS
So Dagwood says "Good, guh-good thing
we're playin' ...uh the back nine at
your house."
STAN
We're hopelessly stuck, completely out
of ideas.
CARTMAN
We have crab people. Just sayin'.
KYLE
Wait! You know what we should do? We
should all take a bunch of cough medicine!
TOKEN
Cough medicine?
KYLE
That's what the sixth graders do behind
the school at recess. They take way
too much cough medicine because they
say it makes them see things in their
heads.
[South Park Pharmacy, later. The boys are at the cold and flu
medicine aisle.]
BUTTERS
Gee whiz, there sure is a lot of 'em.
KYLE
How do we know which one to use?
STAB
How about this one? Calminex? "Warning:
Taking more than the recommended amount
can cause severe side effects."
CARTMAN
That sounds perfect.
JIMMY
B-b-bbingo!
PHARMACIST
Can I help you boys?
STAN
Uh, yeah, we need to come up with some
ideas and inspiration, so we're gonna
drink a bunch of cough medicine.
PHARMACIST
Whoa, boys! That's not what you need
to come up with ideas.
KYLE
It's not?
PHARMACIST
No! What you want is Calminex PM. It
has the dexatrimfan in it that causes
hallucinations in large doses.
KYLE
Oh, okay.
PHARMACIST
Now, if it's more of a lucid, speedy
kind of high you're looking for, I do
also carry the Daytab Cold and Flu.
Then there's the maximum-strength Cortitussin
Cough and Cold, but of course, that's
only if you really want to trip balls.
JIMMY
Wha, what do you think, fellas?
STAN
I guess we'll just take all of 'em.
PHARMACIST
That's the spirit! All right, boys,
I'll just need your parents' permission.
Kidding! I'm just pulling your legs.
Come on over to the register.
MR. GARRISON
Oh, looks like somebody else is doin'
a little partyin' tonight.
MR. SLAVE
Oh, Jezuth Christh
BUTTERS
Woo. We aren't havin' a party.
MR. GARRISON
Oh yeah, sure, you're just buyin' that
for your bad coughs, right? Us too.
MR. SLAVE
Jezuth.
[Student Conference Room 1-F. Butters and Jimmy sit at a sofa.
Jimmy has set his crutches aside and is now drinking the cough
syrup]
KYLE
All right, now everybody take a tablet
and a pencil. and when all the ideas
start coming, just write 'em down. We
might not remember everything otherwise.
BUTTERS
Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative
and smart. Hohhh, it's all think and
g-gooey.
CARTMAN
Huh. I don't have any ideas yet.
KYLE
Stan? Dude, Stan, you all right?
JIMMY
I think maybe he's f-feeling it.
CARTMAN
Stan, are you getting good ideas?
BUTTERS
Whoa... I'm feeling kind of bowling-ballish,
fellas.
[Stan begins his head trip. He sees a tunnel with yellow light,
then a flash of plasma, then an aminated Mandelbrot design, then
a prize-winning dog on a pedestal. A bell sounds. Next, a tunnel
with blue light, which ends up at a performance of some sort,
a time-lapse shot of rolling clouds, another Mandelbrot animation,
a running shot of a meadow, then a wide-angle view of the boys]
CARTMAN
Stan? Stan, come on. We're gonna go
find a frog.
[Stan then sees time-lapse footage of a ride through a city,
then blooming flowers, then time-lapse footage of the reporters
walking around the valley, then some weird graphics, then Cartman
in degraded colors. Cartman and Stan speak to him in weird altered
voices]
CARTMAN
Oh Stan, I just got the best idea
KYLE
Me too.
[Stan then sees an imploding building, then some dancing African
women, an explosion in another building, a zoom-pan shot of an
African dancer. Next he sees himself and the boys on a sidewalk
in downtown. Butters talks to him in the same altered voice the
other voice have spoken to him in]
BUTTERS
Hey! Let's run naked through the street!
[Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. Token and Jimmy are in
amchairs, Stan stayed on the floor, Kyle, Butters, and Cartman
are on the sofa. Butters is in his underwear. All of them are
groggy]
CARTMAN
Dude, this TV show is awesome.
STAN
It's... 's the greatest show of all
time.
KYLE
I could watch this for days.
THE BOYS
Cuuute. Super cuuute.
[Student Conference Room 1-F, next morning. The boys are now
asleep. Butters' head is on Kyle's lap. Stan, sleeping on the
floor, wakes up and looks around]
STAN
You guys. You guys, wake up!
KYLE
Ah!
BUTTERS
Huh?
KYLE
Butters, get away from me!
BUTTERS
Oh Jesus, where are my clothes??
STAN
We took a bunch of cough medicine to
come up with ideas for our show. I didn't
come up with anything.
CARTMAN
Ah I did. I wrote something down. Here
it is! Uh, squiggly line, circle.
KYLE
I wrote down... all the lyrics to the
Happy Days theme song.
STAN
You guys, we watched Craig's show all
night long.
TOKEN
Yeah. It was great.
STAN
No, but don't you see? We didn't think
it was great before. I think I understand
now. I think I know why Craig's show
gets such great ratings! Half the school
is high on cough medicine!
KYLE
Jesus, you may be right.
JIMMY
Fellas, this is our chance! Everyone
get your hair looking as fantastic as
possible. It's time for us to do the
most incredible investigative news report
of our journalistic lives!
[An announcer introduces the news over some action-type music]
ANNOUNCER
This is closed-circuit television for
South Park Elementary School. And now,
a Sexy Action News Team Special Report:
Cough Medicine Abuse in School! With
the Sexy Action School News Team! It's
the report you can't afford to miss!
And now here's Rick Cartman!
CARTMAN
They call it cough syrup, cough medicine,
cold and flu remiedy. But behind closed
doors at South Park Elementary it also
has a street name. Hoochie, wombat juice,
tigger yum yum. Hello, I'm Rick Cartman.
Today, the Sexy Action School News Team
takes you inside the dark and lonely
world... of cough medicine abuse.
STAN
They're doing it in the hallways!
Behind the school!
RED-HAIRED GOTH
Hey, get out of here, you fuckin' dork!
STAN
Even in the girls' bathroom!
BEBE
Is somebody in there? I'll tell on
you!
STAN
We showed the shocking footage to the
principal!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh my goodness!
JIMMY
P- Principal Victoria, can you explain
how your administration fuh-failed to
see this p-p-pro-o-o... p-p-problem.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well I... we...
KYLE
So where are students getting all this
cough medicine?? This surveillance
footage shows a group of troubled kids
getting all the smack they want from
a pharmacist! Sexy Action School News
reported the pharmacist to the South
Park police, and he was immediately
arrested!
TOKEN
The cough companies claim they don't
intend for their product to be used
by kids to get high! But one look at
the packaging tells otherwise. Theradryl
DM. For kids. Dexa Cough, children's
formula.
CARTMAN
And now, for a quick celebrity check,
here's Butters Stotch.
BUTTERS
Still no celebrities, Eric. Uhn, I'll
keep my eyes open.
STAN
The cough medicine problem used to also
run rampant in neighboring Middle Park
Elementary. But they took action: ridded
their entire town of cough medicine,
and what we see now is a happier school,
100% cough medicine-free.
[Mr. Meryl's office, later.]
MR. MERYL
Boys, I want to congratulate you on
what is perhaps the finest piece of
student television I've ever seen. Not
only did you get all the students and
myself off of couch medicine, but you
got a 22 in the ratings!
KYLE
Twenty-two people?? All right!
CRAIG
You wanted to see me, Mr. Meryl?
MR. MERYL
Oh yes, Craig. It appears that the ratings
for your show are down significantly.
STAN
Gee, what a concidence.
JIMMY
I wonder... oo-oo.. w-why?
MR. MERYL
You need to know how important ratings
are, Craig, so, I'm going to suspend
you from school and request that you
have your testicles removed surgically.
CARTMAN
Haha! In your face, Craig!
MR. MERYL
You boys are approved for twenty-seven
new shows. I want you to come up with
an even better idea than the cough medicine
story. Get to it!
[Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. The boys are seated at
the table once again, sitting in silence]
STAN
Nobody has any ideas?
CARTMAN
This sucks. I don't wanna keep havin'
to come up with ideas for shows all
the time. It hurts my head.
KYLE
Dude, bail?
CARTMAN
...I think bail.
STAN
...Bail.
JIMMY
Yep, b-b-b-bail.
THE END
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