"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 608
"RED-HOT CATHOLIC LOVE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Catholic Church, day. Organ music plays. Inside,
Priest Maxi is at the pulpit speaking to the congregation]
PRIEST MAXI
Parents, it's that time of year again
when the bishops and priests from around
the country are organizing the Young
Men's Catholic Retreat. This year, we're
taking the boys on a weekend boat trip
to discuss Jesus's role as the Navigator
of our lives.
STAN
That sounds pretty fun.
RANDY
A Catholic boat trip?
SINGER
The Catholic Boat's gonna be headin'
on out today.
The Catholic Boat. Time to throw all of your cares away.
Get some hot Chrisitan action; it'll make you-
RANDY
Waaah! Waaah! Uyah ahem. 'Scuse me.
[South Park Catholic Church, day. Mass ends and the congregants
go to their cars. A crowd gathers around Randy. The McCormicks
are present.]
RANDY
Look, I just don't think it's the best
idea to let our boys to go on a c-cruise
with the priests.
RICHARD
We can let them go, can we?
LINDA STOTCH
There's no way my son's going.
[A black SUV, nearby. Stan, Cartman and Tweek are in the back
seat. Cartman looks out the closed window.]
STAN
What are they talking about?
CARTMAN
I don't know.
TWEEK
Maybe they wanna kill us.
[back to the crowd]
RANDY
With everything that's been in the news,
I think it's best to keep our kids...
far away from the priests.
STUART
Now, come on, everybody, just because
a few priests in the country have been
corrupted doesn't mean that all priests
are child molesters.
RICHARD
Well, sure, that's easy for you to say;
your son's dead. But those of us with
alive children need to be sure that
Father Maxi's on the up-and-up.
SHARON
I've heard about other towns bringing
in counselors that know how to find
things out from kids without really
telling them what's going on.
RANDY
It couldn't hurt.
RICHARD
Uh, Sh-sh. Here he comes, here he comes.
PRIEST MAXI
Uh... Good-bye, everyone.
ALL
Good-bye, Father.
CHRIS
Alright, then, it's settled. Tomorrow
we'll find an outside counselor and...
find out the truth.
[Park County Community Center, next day. The boys are chattering
when a woman comes in and stands before them.]
COUNSELOR
Hi boys. My name is Ms. Gorache and
I need to ask you a few questions about
your priest, okaaay?
BOYS
Okay.
COUNSELOR
Okay. Would you say that Father Maxi
is... nice? Or mean?
BOYS
Nice.
STAN
Um, cool.
COUNSELOR
Okaaay, what words would you use to
describe your priest?
BUTTERS
Compassionate.
COUNSELOR
Okay. And did Father Maxi, at any time,
ever try to put somethig in your butt?
CARTMAN
Ih... in our... butt?
COUNSELOR
You don't need to be ashamed or embarassed.
Just, did he ever try to put anythig
in your butt?
STAN
...Like ...money? What?
BUTTERS
You mean, like a goldfish?
COUNSELOR
No, no. Did he ever try to put anythig
that belonged to him in your butt?
BOYS
No.
[The Community Center, hallway. The parents wait for the counselor
to finish talking with the boys]
THOMAS
This is ridiculous, havin' to sit out
here waitin' to find out if our priest
molested our kids.
MAN
Yeah, what what has Catholicism come
to anyway?
RANDY
You know, I think we've just had it
with the Church. All the horrible things
they've done to kids, I... I think I'm
gonna become an atheist!
RICHARD
That's a good idea. I'm gonna be an
atheist too.
LINDA STOTCH
Let's all be atheists!
ALL
Yeah, yeah, alright.
MAN
If there was a god, why would he let
our kids be molested in the first place?
CHRIS
Yeah, let's kill God, yeah!
RANDY
Well uh, let's, let's just be atheists.
CHRIS
...Same thing.
RANDY
Yeah!
[South Park proper, on the curb. Stan, Cartman, and Tweek sit
and think about stuff...]
STAN
What would the priest ...possibly want
to put in our butts?
CARTMAN
Maybe... No.
KYLE
Hey dudes.
STAN, CARTMAN
Hey.
TWEEK
Arr!
KYLE
What are you guys doin'?
STAN
We had to go meet with this counselor
lady, and she asked us if the priest
every put anything in our butts.
KYLE
In your butts?
CARTMAN
Yeah, isn't that the damnedest thing?
KYLE
Why would he puyt anything in your butts?
STAN
We don't know. We're- that's what we're
tryin' to figure out.
CARTMAN
Hm.
KYLE
Hm.
CHEF
Hello there, children!
STAN
Chef! What would a priest want to stick
up my butt?
CHEF
Good-bah!
TWEEK
Rrrh. Nobody is going to tell us. This
is going to drive me insane!
KYLE
Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a
rational explanation.
CARTMAN
Aw, dude, I think I might have it.
STAN
What?
CARTMAN
It makes perfect sense. Okay, w-work
with me on this: if you eat food, you
crap out yoru butt, right?
KYLE
Yeah.
CARTMAN
Alright, now keep working with me here,
it's getting a little complicated. If
you eat food and crap out yoru butt,
then maybe, if you stuck food in your
butt, you crap out your mouth. Hm?
KYLE
Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've
ever said - this week!
CARTMAN
What, that's not dumb. Think about it:
food goes in the mouth, comes out the
butt. Food goes in the butt, comes out
the mouth. That's not dumb, that's genius.
KYLE
It wouldn't work!
CARTMAN
Have you ever tried it?
KYLE
I don't need to. It wouldn't work.
CARTMAN
I bet you twenty buck it'll work!
KYLE
You're on, fat boy!
CARTMAN
Okay, let's go, Jew!
PARENTS
Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with
God!
RANDY
Stan, you're an atheist now!
RICHARD
You too, Tweek!
PARENTS
Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with
God!
TWEEK
I'm a what??
[Diocesan headquarters, day. Sixteen priests are present in the
boardroom, with Fatherh Maxi presiding]
PRIEST MAXI
Fathers, I want to thank you all for
coming.
PRIEST 1
No, thank you for finally organizing
an all-priests meeting, Father Maxi.
I think we all agree something has to
be done, quickly.
ELDERLY PRIEST
Well, I don't know how it's been for
all of you, but attendance at my church
in Fort Rawlins is down sixty-three
precent!
PRIEST 2
I'm down almost seventy in Greenleaf.
PRIEST MAXI
Uh-yes, uh, I'm afraid if things keep
going the way they are, we could lose
our entire religion.
ELDERLY PRIEST
Yes, we've gotta stop these boys from
goin' to the public!
FAT PRIEST
They've gotta know to keep their mouths
shut!
OTHER PRIESTS
That right, yeah.
PRIEST MAXI
Right, and so... wa- wait a minute.
What?
PRIEST 1
Yes, but we've got to find out why these
children are suddenly finding it necessary
to report that they're being molested.
Stop the problem at its source.
PRIEST 2
Yes, but how?
PRIEST 3
Somethng has to be done.
PRIEST 4
We've got to stop this-
PRIEST MAXI
Whoa, whoa, hold on a second! The problem
is that children are being molested,
not that they're reporting it!
ELDERLY PRIEST
How do you mean?
PRIEST MAXI
Well, I mean, obviously, what we need
to put a stop to is all the sexual misconduct
that is allowed to take place in our
churches, and not just tell the children
not to tell anybody about it. I mean,
right?
PRIEST 1
Well did any of the children you've
molested come forward?
PRIEST MAXI
No.
PRIEST 1
Well, that's good.
PRIEST MAXI
No, I mean! I've never molested any
of the children in my church!
ELDERLY PRIEST
Hih-it's okay, Father Maxi. We're all
priests here; the doors are closed.
PRIEST MAXI
Oh for the love of God! Are you all
saying that you've engaged in inappropriate
relations with your altar boys? We are
here to bring the light of God, not
harm the innocent! I'm serious!
PRIEST 2
Father, uh, having sex with boys is
part of the Catholic priest's way of
life.
OTHER PRIESTS
Yeah.
PRIEST MAXI
Dear God. This problem is much more
severe than I could have possibly imagined.
I have to go to the Vatican and get
help.
[South Park Elementary School, boys' bathroom, day. A group of
fourth-grade boys gather around a toilet as Cartman stands before
it trying to crap into it... with his mouth.]
KYLE
Well, Cartman?
CARTMAN
Hold on! God, let a man crap!
CRAIG
What's going on?
STAN
Cartman shoved food up his ass and now
he's tryin' to crap out his mouth.
CRAIG
Oh.
KYLE
Well, go on, smartass, and do it!
CARTMAN
I'm doin' it already!! God, give me
a minute!
STAN
You've had five, dude!
CARTMAN
I can't-, I can't do it with you guys
watching. Turn around.
KYLE
No! Because you'll just crap out your
butt and then say it came out of your
mouth!
CARTMAN
Ugh! Do you really think I'd be that
deceitful, you guys?! Ugh, goddamnit
you guys, this si so seriously.
KYLE
Get the fuck out of here!
CARTMAN
Yes!! Yes, I DID IT!! I crapped out
my mouth! I crapped out my mo-outh!
You owe me twenty bucks, dickface!
[Vatican City, Italy. Father Maxi has made it to St. Peter's
Square. He exits a taxi cab.]
PRIEST MAXI
Well, there you go. Um, grazie. Wow,
I'm actually here. Vatican City!
ITALIAN CARDINAL
Your Holiness, this is Father Maxi from
America. He has brought this all to
our attention.
FATHER MAXI
Your Holiness.
ITALIAN CARDINAL
Adoramus te, Christe.
OTHER CARDINALS
Et dominus...
ITALIAN CARDINAL
Cardinals, bishops, and priests, an
American priest by the name of-a Maxi
has brought to our attention the most
troubling of news. All over his-a country
there are reports of children being
molested by men of the Chuch. If things
continue this way, we'll never be able
to have sex with young boys again!
FATHER MAXI
That's right-wait. What?
FRENCH CARDINAL
In France as well we are finding it
harder and harder to... make love to
our boys.
MOROCCAN CARDINAL
In Morocco they have arrested five of
my priests. It's only a matter of time
before they get the rest of us.
ITALIAN CARDINAL
Father Maxi, what do you suggest we
do to not get caught.
FATHER MAXI
Not get caught? NO!! I, I think what
we should do is not have sex with boys!
ITALIAN CARDINAL
It is not written anywhere in the Holy
Document of Vatican Law that sex with-a
boys is wrong..
FATHER MAXI
Well, maybe we need to change the Holy
Document of Vatican Law.
BRITISH CARDINAL
Speaking on behalf of the British Catholics,
it is obvious that the priest doesn't
realize that the Holy Document of Vatican
Law can not be changed!
THE CLERGY
Yeah! It cannot be changed! Yeah!
GELGAMEK CARDINAL
Yes, and speaking on behalf of the Gelgamek
Catholics, I believe we should move
on to other solutions to this problem.
PRIEST MAXI
Gelgameks?
[Kyle's house, night. Cartman walks alone to the front door and
rings the doorbell. Kyle comes to answer it. He opens the door...]
CARTMAN
Kyle, could you help me out? I need
some advice.
KYLE
What?
CARTMAN
It's just that... I can't decide what
to buy with your twenty dollars! I
was thinking of getting this mega-man
racer for $19.95, or I could get two
Broncos trading packs for ten apiece.
And then I thought-
[Stan's house, dinnertime. Sharon brings out hanburgers from
the kitchen]
RANDY
Oh boy, now that we're atheists we don't
have to pray for our food.
SHARON
That's right, everyone just dig in.
So, kids,anything happen with your
whole Sunday off?
STAN
Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his
ass and crapped out his mouth.
SHARON
Stanley!
STAN
What? He did.
RANDY
Noho, it doesn't work that way, son.
STAN
Yeah it does.
RANDY
No it doesn't.
STAN
Yeah. It does.
[Stan's house, bedtime. Randy is in his pajamas kneeling before
the toilet. He's now trying to crap out his mouth. After much
effort, a log of crap comes out his mouth and into the toilet.
Randy is stunned]
RANDY
Honey! Honey, come quick!
[St. Peter's Square, day. Father Maxi is trying to get his point
across]
PRIEST MAXI
Look, people! I'm just trying to say
that if we don't change the Holy Document
of Vatican Law, then we might lose everyone
to atheism!
FRENCH CARDINAL
What exactly do you suggest we change,
Father Maxi.
PRIEST MAXI
Well, for one, no sex with boys.
ANOTHER CARDINAL
The Holy Document of Vatican Law states
that a priest, bishop, or cardinal cannot
get married, so where are we to get
our sex?
PRIEST MAXI
Uh well then, perhaps we could change
the Holy Document of Vatican Law to
say that... it's okay for a priest or
bishop or cardinal to have sex... with
women.
FRENCH CARDINAL
Women?
GELGAMEK CARDINAL
The Gelgamek vagina is three feet wide
and filled with razor-sharp teeth. Do
you really expect us to have sex with
them?!
PRIEST MAXI
Wuh- okay, m-maybe we just need to forget
about the Gelgameks for a second and
focus-
GELGAMEK CARDINAL
What's that about the Gelgameks?!
PRIEST MAXI
I'm just saying, what works on planet
Gelgamek isn't necessarily goin' ta
work for the rest of us here, on Earth.
You see? That's the problem we're having
here.
ITALIAN CARDINAL
But-a the Holy Document of Vatican Law
cannot be changed!
PRIEST MAXI
Why not?!
ANOTHER CARDINAL
Because we don't know where it is.
ITALIAN CARDINAL
You see, Father, the Holy Document of
Vatican Law has been hidden away deep
in the Catacombs of-a St. Peter's below
us. Hidden away so that it can never
be changed.
PRIEST MAXI
But if we locate it we can make changes
to it?
A BISHOP
HA! Good luck, father! The document
is guarded by water lizards, rattle
snakes and sand traps! The fools who
have tried before to recover it met
their deaths!
PRIEST MAXI
Well we have to try. Our religion is
dying!
[Stan's house. He, Kyle, and Tweek watch television. The front
door closes off screen.]
CARTMAN
You guys! You guys! Look!
TWEEK
Harrr!
CARTMAN
I went down to the bank and got Kyle's
twenty-dollar bill turned into twenty
single-dollar bills.
STAN
So?
CARTMAN
So? So now I can do this! Yeess! Yeess,
Kyle's money! Mmmm, Kyle's money!
KYLE
Go fuck yourself, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Oh, it feels so good on my skin! Mmmm.
KYLE
Get up, fat boy! I'm gonna kick your
ass!
CARTMAN
Gee Kyle, don't be a sore loser. It's
over, okay? I won. Let it go.
KYLE
So you crapped out of your mouth! Good
for you! It's still stupid and immature!
STAN
Dude, look.
NEWS ANCHOR
Our top story tonight, the age-old
question has been answered: if I put
food up my ass, will I crap out my mouth?
All over the country, people are discovering
that, yes, in fact, you will. The sugeon-general
had this to say:
SURGEON-GENERAL
And the uh immediate research shows
that the act is not only amusing, but
in fact much healthier for out bodies
than the old way of eating. You see,
food entering through the anus has the
benefit of being broken down on its
way to the stomach rather than afterward.
And therefore I believe that interorectogestion
would actually put a stop to high cholesterol
and most kinds of stomach cancers. And
I base that on absolutely nothing.
NEWS ANCHOR
The Surgeon-General's response has made
Americans change their eating habits
almost instantly.
CARTMAN
That's stupid and immature, Cartman!
KYLE
It is stupid and immature! So you got
people to crap out of their mouths!
What do you want, a feakin' medal?!
NEWS ANCHOR
The Mayor of South Park has announced
that for first discovering this healthy
way of eating, young citizen Eric Cartman
will be given... a freaking medal.
KYLE
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[A kitchen set in a studio, day. An attractive woman is busy
preparing a dish on the stove]
ANNOUNCER
Now, with more on "Martha Stewart's
Living" .
MARTHA STEWART
In the past few days we've all heard
of the healthy benefits of interorectogestion,
and so making food that can be inserted
into the ass is essential. Now, everyone
knows that some foods are simple to
shove up the ass - puddings, soups,
raisins... this is a nice raisin pudding
right here - but we can also still eat
our favorite foods. What we're gonna
do today is prepare a Thanksgiving turkey
for interorecto. Now, the key to shoving
a turkey up your ass is first wrapping
it in string, keeping the pointy wings
neatly at the side.
FBI AGENT
Ms. Stewart, we have some questions.
MARTHA STEWART
Not right now, I just wanna focus on
my turkey, right now. Now, we're going
to baste the turkey with lubricating
gel rather than with juice - this'll
help smooth the insertion later on.
We still bake at four hundred degrees
for twenty minutes a pound. When it's
done we'll get something like this.
So now we're ready to go. Looks delicious.
Let's try it out. Aaaaa-... Yeah, get
it up there. Yeah. AAAA. Yeeaahhhh.
Phew. And that is how you eat a turkey.
We'll be right back with more.
[The Catacombs under St. Peter's Basilica. Father Maxi, with
torch in hand, walks down a hall past walls with writing on them.
He descends some stairs and crosses a large room, stopping at
a door behind which there is a brightly-lit room.]
OLD MONK
Beoo!
PRIEST MAXI
Ahh, hello. Uh- My name is Father Maxi,
from the United States.
OLD MONK
What do you seek, Father?
PRIEST MAXI
I... I'm trying to find the Holy Document
of Vatican Law. ...So that we can make
revisions to it.
OLD MONK
That Gospel... lies somewhere beyond
this door. But... many troubles await
thee inside! Only he whose heart truly
belongs to the Lord shalla make it through.
PRIEST MAXI
I have to try. Our religion is in trouble,
and... and that scroll may be our only
hope!
OLD MONK
Then, prepare yourself. The time of
trials begins. Adoramus te, Christe!
I wish you luck, Father. Use all the
strength, agility, and faith that you
have.
PRIEST MAXI
Very well. Here we go. Hmmm, there's
a ladder up here. Oh my God, a rattlesnake!
A way back up! I've made it! Praise
be to God! He hath shown me the way!
This must be it. The Holy Document
of Vatican Law.
RANDY
Well, Sharon and I are havin' a great
time bein' atheist. I for one can't
believe I used to live my life by what
a very old and very fictional book used
to say.
LINDA STOTCH
Well it's true. I mean, what do a bunch
of stories about people in robes slaughtering
goats have to do with today's world?
RICHARD
Atheism has definitely made our lives
better.
SHARON
I made some quesadillas, if anybody
wants some.
ALL
Ooohh.
SHARON
And if anybody needs to potty, there's
a potty basket right here.
RICHARD
Oh thanks, Sharon.
MAN
You know, for Martha and I, we're, we're
worried we might have a hard time raising
our son atheist. I mean- whoa, thank
you -I mean, it could end up being
very difficult raising an atheist child
in such a Christian society. I feel
that everywhere my poor son goes he's
being persecuted for his beliefs.
RICHARD
That's true. If I'm gonna raise my son
to be atheist, I don't want him saying
"under God" every day at school. That
could really damage him. "Under God"
should be taken out of the- uh, 'scuse
me. Moowwaaagh. "Under God" should
be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance.
RANDY
That's right, I agree. And it should
be taken off of money as well. The
religious right in this country is trying
to force our children to believe what
they bel- Bwwaaaagh And we can't let
the religious right corrupt our kids.
ALL
That's right, that's right.
[St. Peter's Basilica, day. ]
ITALIAN CARDINAL
Cardinals, bishops and priests! Father
Maxi has returned! And he has the Holy
Document of-a Vatican Law!
BRITISH CARDINAL
How did he make it past the water lizards?
PRIEST MAXI
Yes, I have returned with the Holy
Document of Vatican Law, so can we PLEASE,
change it now to say, "It's NOT okay
to have sex with boys"?
ITALIAN CARDINAL
Wait wait-a, the pope-a wants-a to say
something. The pope-a says we shall
ask the highest source.
PRIEST MAXI
Oh my.
ITALIAN CARDINAL
The holy one! Behold the great Queen
Spider!
THE CLERGY
Hail Queen Spider!
PRIEST MAXI
Queen spider?
ITALIAN CARDINAL
O great Queen Spider, we seek a-your
guidance.
QUEEN SPIDER
What do you ask of me?
BRITISH CARDINAL
Great Queen Spider, we seek to change
one of the Vatican rules.
QUEEN SPIDER
The Vatican rules cannot be changed.
So saith the Spider
ITALIAN CARDINAL
Go on, Priest Maxi. See if you can convince
her.
PRIEST MAXI
Alright, that does it!!! I've had enough!!!
You people have completely lost touch
with the outside world! You sit in this
big room with your Gelgameks and your
Queen Spider, and none of it applies
to what being a Catholic is all about!!
A BISHOP
But the Holy Document of Vatican Law
states that-
PRIEST MAXI
To hell with the Holy Document of Vatican
Law!!
[South Park, day. The boys stand in front of Stan's house]
CARTMAN
You guys, you guys! I took Kyle's
twenty dollars down to the bank again,
and I got it changed into quarters!
KYLE
So?
CARTMAN
So now I can dump them into this little
pool and swim in them all day long!
Yeessss. Kyle's monneey.
KYLE
Cartman, there's something I need to
tell you.
CARTMAN
O-hoo, what's that, Kyle?
KYLE
You were totally, one hundred percent
right.
CARTMAN
Heh... what?
KYLE
You won the bet. You were totally accurate
about being able to crap out your mouth,
and I've just been frustrated because
I didn't think of it first. I want you
to enjoy that money because... you really
impressed me with your insight and...
I'm... proud to have you as a friend.
CARTMAN
You sonofabitch, Kyle!! I hate you!!
A MAN
Yeah, the pope is gone!
RANDY
Great news, Stan! The Vatican is burning
down!
LINDA STOTCH
Score one for us atheists
RICHARD
Come on, Tweek! We're gonna watch it
on TV!
[Vatican City, day. The clergy mill around in the ruins of the
Vatican.]
ITALIAN CARDINAL
Gone! It's all gone!
BRITISH CARDINAL
Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi. You've
killed our religion.
PRIEST MAXI
No I didn't! All that's dead are your
stupid laws and rules! You've forgotten
what being a Catholic is all about.
This... book. You see, these are just
stories. Stories that are meant to
help people in the right direction.
Love your neighbor. Be a good person.
That's it! And when you start turning
the stories into literal translations
of hierarchies and power, well... Well,
you end up with this. People are losing
faith because they don't see how what
you've turned the religion into applies
to them! They've lost touch with any
idea of any kind of religion, and when
they have no mythology to try and live
their lives by, well, they just start
spewing a bunch of crap out of their
mouths!
RICHARD
...What was that last bit?
PRIEST MAXI
Look, I, I'm proud to be a Catholic.
But I'm a Catholic in the real world.
In today's world! It's time for you
all to do that, too. It is time... for
change.
[Stan's house, after the telecast]
RANDY
He's right, Sharon. We don't have to
believe every word of the Bible. They're
just stories to help us to live by.
We shouldn't toss away the lessons of
the Bible just because some assholes
in Italy screwed it up.
SHARON
O Randy, I don't wanna put food up my
butt anymore.
RANDY
Gang, I think maybe we, owe God an apology.
STAN
Does this mean we have to go to church
on Sundays again?
RANDY
No. It means we get to, son. It means...
we get to.
THE END
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