"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 707
"RED MAN'S GREED"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Three Feathers Casino, night. People flock in. The building
is massive, the front entrance is prefaced with a long pool with
water jets shooting water into the air. The interior is shown,
with its slot machines and milling crowds. The boys enter with
the Marshes and the Broflovskis. Randy and Gerald carry cigars
in their hands]
STAN
Wow, dude.
CARTMAN
Man, Indians have it good, huh?
RANDY
Now, Eric, they're called Native Americans,
remember? Show some respect.
CARTMAN
All right, let's go!
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Halt. I am afraid minors cannot go
onto the casino floor.
CARTMAN
I'm not a miner, dumbass! Do you see
a shovel in my hand?!
RUNS WITH PREMISE
You kids can enjoy our Native American
Comedy Club.
KYLE'S FATHER
All right, we're gonna hit the tables.
Why don't you kids run along to the
comedy club?
RANDY
All right, time to win some money!
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh yeah! blackjack table!
BLACKJACK DEALER
Welcome to the blackjack table. May
luck run through you, like the spirit
of the buffalo.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Gerald, this is ten dollars a hand!
KYLE'S FATHER
Relax, sweetie I know how to count
cards.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well I don't wanna play here!
SHARON
Yeah. Come on, Sheila, let's go to the
nickle slots.
RANDY
Oooo, the nickle slots! You might win
the thirty-dollar jackpot! Ahh, women,
huh? God I hate 'em.
KYLE'S FATHER
All right, time to show these people
how to gamble!
[An entrance is shown - The Laughing Coyote Comedy Lodge, then
the interior of the lodge itself. A Native American drummer sits
on stage.]
ANNOUNCER
Welcome to the Three Feathers Comedy
Club. Please put your hands together
for Johnny Manymoons!
KYLE
What is Native American comedy, anyway?
MANYMOONS
Thank you, thank you. Bear walked into
a bar. Bear said to Deer, "May I please...
have a drink?" And so Deer said to Bear,
"Why the big paws?"
AUDIENCE
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
MANYMOONS
Many moons ago, Pony and Eagle walked
up to Coyote. Pony said to Coyote, "I
am very mad at Eagle. Will you yell
at him for me?" Coyote said to Pony,
"Why can you not yell yourself?" And
Pony replied, "Because I am a little
horse."
AUDIENCE
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
[The blackjack table. Gerald sits alone fiddling with some chips.
Randy returns from somewhere with a cup of coins]
RANDY
How's it goin', Gerald?
KYLE'S FATHER
Ohh, not so good.
RANDY
Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm down
three hundred bucks.
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah. I'm down twenty-six thousand.
RANDY
Yeah, well, maybe we should- ...wait.
Twenty-six thousand dollars??
KYLE'S FATHER
I forgot to tell you, ah I have a gambling
problem.
RANDY
Gerald, twenty-six thousand-!
KYLE'S FATHER
Sshhhh! I have to win it back before
Sheila finds out!
RANDY
Where did you get that kind of money??
KYLE'S FATHER
The casino gave me credit! I put the
house up as collateral! But I still
have this ten-dollar chip.
BLACKJACK DEALER
Dealer, twenty one. Sorry.
KYLE'S FATHER
That's it. I'm destitute. Loan me
money! You've gotta have money in the
cup! Wha- what's in the cup?
RANDY
Just six quarters!
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh God. Oh Jesus.
BLACKJACK DEALER
Thank you for playing at Three Feathers.
May your life be filled with the song
of the sparrow.
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, shove the song of the sparrow up
your ass!
[Three Bears Casino, sometime later. Randy and Gerald sit on
a bench next to some slot machines. Gerald's head hangs low]
KYLE'S FATHER
How am I going to tell my family? How
do I tell them that tomorrow, we have
to ...pack up our things and ...get
out of the house?
KYLE'S MOTHER
There's daddy!
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, Jesus.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Where have you guys been? We've been
looking all over.
KYLE
Yeah. Come on, Dad, this place sucks.
I wanna go.
KYLE'S FATHER
What, What did you say?
KYLE
I said I wanna leave.
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, you wanna leave, huh?! Okay, fine,
Kyle, when we get home, we'll just pack
up our things, load them in the car,
and we'll leave!
KYLE
What?? No, no, I mean, I-
KYLE'S FATHER
No, no, no, if you wanna leave South
Park, fine! Tomorrow we're leaving!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Gerald, what are you talking about?
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, you heard him, Sheila! Kyle wants
to leave! Our nice old house doesn't
interest Kyle anymore! Well I'm callig
the moving company right now!
CARTMAN
Well, you shouldn't be such a dick,
dude.
SHARON
What's wrong with Gerald?
RANDY
He... he lost his house to the Native
Americans.
SHARON
What?? But don't the Native Americans
know he has nowhere else to go?
RANDY
They don't care.
[The casino office. Chief Runs with Premise looks out over the
floor]
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Look at them! Small-minded idiots pouring
their life-savings away!
ELDER 1
Their cash flows out of them like diarrhea
from the buffalo.
ELDER 2
Yes, but we have milked this simple
mountain folk almost dry. If we really
want to see cash flow, we need to bring
in city people from Denver.
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Yeessss. It is time for us to implement
our plan. A superhighway, built from
Denver right to our casino!
AIDE 1
And what do we do about the small town
of South Park that lies in the highway's
way?
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Simple. We buy it, and we demolish
it! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
ELDERS
Ha ha ha ha!
[South Park Elementary, next day. A town meeting is being held
in the gym. Mayor McDaniels sits at a table with four aides,
two on either side of her.]
MAYOR MCDANIELS
And that's really all I can tell you.
The town of South Park is going to be
leveled, in order to make way for a
twelve-lane superhighway.
RANDY
But how can they do that?!
MAYOR MCDANIELS
The Native Americans have purchased
the land from under us. Tomorrow, they're
buying the last of what they need to
have complete ownership.
JIMBO
Well can't we stop them? Let's call
the bank.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
The Native Americans bought the bank.
MR. GARRISON
Oh my God.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Now, look, it isn't all horrible. The
Native Americans are offering you retail
values on your homes.
RANDY
No, screw that! We'll just pool our
money together and buy the town ourselves!
CHEF
Yeah! Let the South Park people own
South Park!
RANDY
How much do we have to raise, Mayor?
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Three hundred thousand dollars.
RANDY
Ohhh, never mind.
BUTTERS
How can they do that, huh? How can they
make us all move away?
CARTMAN
Because they're rich, greedy-ass Indians!
KYLE
Native Americans.
STAN
Our whole town, gone. We'd had such
great times here.
Zombies destroy the town as the boys walk through in their Halloween
costumes
Trapper Keeper grabs a phone booth as it reaches mammoth dimensions
The townsfolk fight the mutant turkeys
Christopher Reeve throws a truck at some people, and they dive
out of the way.
The giant fireworks snake demolishes the town
The Geldon causes havoc on the Drew Carey Show as the Knights
of Standards and Practices watch
The pirate ghost ship fires off a cannon shot and the townsfolk
dive out of the way. Some of them are killed on impact.
The pro-war and anti-war factions fight over the Iraq war.
The town reenacts the Civil War
Mr. Hankey summons up massive amounts of crap in order to get
rid of the Hollywood gliterati
Mecha-Streisand fights off Ultura Marutin and Megara Poatia]
[stops reminiscing, turns around, and walks back to the boys]
We can't let them do it, you guys! We have to find a way to stop
those Native Americans!
THE BOYS
Yeah!
ALEX
Yeah, this is our town!
STAN
We shouldn't have to make a bunch of
new friends somewhere else. We're a
team!
KYLE, BUTTERS, TWEEK
Yeah!
CARTMAN
That's right!
BUTTERS
Yeah, ahh, that's right!
ALEX
Yeah, we're a team!
STAN
We just gotta figure out a way to raise
three hundred thousand dollars!
CARTMAN
Wait a minute! I've got it, you guys!
We can get Kyle infected with AIDS!
And then start a charity organization
that we steal money from! Come on, let's
go! No? We can't give Kyle AIDS?
STAN
We need somethng that'll get us money
tomorrow!
BUTTERS
Hey, I know! How about a dog parade?
KYLE
Dog parade?
BUTTERS
Yeah! We dress up all our dogs in little
outfits, and parade them down the street.
It'll be so adorable!
KYLE
How do we make three hundred thousand
dollars doing that?
BUTTERS
Oh... Uh well, we could sell tickets
to our moms and dads.
STAN
Our moms and dads are the ones who need
money, Butters!
BUTTERS
Oh...
CARTMAN
Maybe give Kyle AIDS, huh? Lookin' a
little better now.
[South Park, later on, day. The Broflovski house is shown, and
a massive bulldozer rolls up to knock it down. A large chunk
of it is torn off by the scoop.]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, Gerald, I, I can't watch!
RANDY
How can you do this to people?
RUNS WITH PREMISE
We're sorry. But if we do not build
a superhighway, our casino might stop
seeing profits.
RANDY
There's more to life than profits!
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Well like what?
RANDY
Well like, you know, Slurpees and stuff.
CHRIS
Well, come on, honey, I guess we should
start packing up our things as well.
MR. GARRISON
Yeah. So long, South Park.
STAN
Mom! Dad! We figured out a way we could
raise three hundred thousand dollars!
CHRIS
A dog parade?
STAN
No!
RANDY
Stan, we've all tried to raise money,
but we only raise ten thousand dollars,
and the deadline is tomorrow.
STAN
I know. So how about we take the ten
thousand dollars back to the Indian
casino? Tell them, Kyle!
KYLE
The odds on a single number in roulette
are thirty-five to one. That means,
with a ten thousand dollar bet, you
win three hundred and fifty thousand.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Boys, that's ridiculous.
STAN
Look, we, we've got nothing to lose.
CHEF
What do you guys think?
JIMBO
It's a long shot.
RANDY
Yeah. But it's the only shot we've
got to save our town.
[Three Feathers Casino, that night. The townsfolk are there once
more]
RUNS WITH PREMISE
The residents of South Park had hoped
to raise three hundred thousand dollars.
but in the end managed to raise only
ten. The loss of their town may be imminent
for the poor people of South Park.
Awww, I think I'm going to cuwhy.
TWO ELDERS
HA ha ha ha! HA ha ha ha!
[The doors open and the townsfolk surge in. Randy carries a large
amount of yellow chips]
RANDY
All right, boys. You're gonna have to
wait here.
STAN
Dad. Good luck.
RANDY
It's in God's hand now. Stand aside,
everyone!
RUNS WITH PREMISE
What are they doing?
RANDY
We're gonna try and beat you at your
own game, Chief Runs With Premise! Ten
thousand dollars! On thirty one black!
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Impossible!
STAN
Come on! Come on!
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Thirty one. Black.
TOWNSFOLK
Yeah! All right! Woohoo! Oh we did it!
We did it! Oh my God! Oh this is amazing!
RUNS WITH PREMISE
No... NOOO!
ALEX
South Park is saved.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
We have plenty enough to save our town
now!
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah! But wait. Three hundred and fifty
thousand dollars. That means if we won
again, it will be twelve and a quarter
million!
MR. GARRISON
We can save the town and be super-rich!
RANDY
Oh hell yeah! Let it ride!
KYLE'S FATHER
Let it ride!!
TOWNSFOLK
Woohoo! Yeah!
KYLE
What the hell are they doing??
JIMBO
Let's go thirty one! Let's see it!
ROULETTE DEALER
Two, red. You lose.
TOWNSFOLK
AWWWWWWW!!
RANDY
Damnit!
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Hmmm!
STAN
Theh, they had it! They freakin' had
it!
[The road. The Marshes drive home in their car, a much nicer
one than the one they had once. Randy drives, Sharon sits on
the passanger side. Stan sits between Shelley and Grandpa in
the back seat.]
STAN
You totally had it! You had enough to
save the town and then some.
RANDY
Stan? Okay? You just don't understand
the fine points of gambling. You're
never supposed to stop when you're on
a winning streak.
STAN
A winning streak??!! You played one
game!!!!
RANDY
Stan? Okay?
STAN
What???
RANDY
All right? Stan? Okay?
STAN
You people just got greedy, like the
Native Americans!
RANDY
Hey, mister!! We're not like them,
all right?! Now, we may have pie in
the sky dreams once in a while, but
we aren't the ones kicking people out
of their homes! So don't you compare
us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing,
evil stinky Indians! I'm sorry, Native
Americans.
[South Park, next day. A "SOLD" sign is placed above the town
sign, indicating that the town, indeed, has been sold. At South
Park Elementary, the residents stand in long lines waiting for
the checks being offered for their homes]
ELDER 2
There you are, sir. There's the check
for your home. Just sign here, and here.
MR. GARRISON
Well, this is it, Mr. Slave. We're
officially homeless.
MR. SLAVE
Jezuth! Jezuth Chrith!
STAN
Dad, what are you doing?! Don't take
their dirty money!
RANDY
Stanley, we don't have a choice. The
Native Americans own South Park now.
We have to take what they'll give us
for our homes.
ELDER 3
There you go. Have a nice day.
STAN
Come on, you guys! This is our town!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
It's over, Stanley. What else can we
do?
STAN
We can stay. And fight.
CARTMAN
Yeah! When the Indians come to tear
up our town, we kick 'em in the nuts!
KENNY
(Yeah!)
ALEX
Yeah! They don't own our town! We do!
CHEF
I'm sorry, boys. You just don't understand
economics.
RANDY
It'll be okay, boys, we'll just... move
to the next town over.
STAN
Oh sure. Until the Native Americans
decide they want that land, too! What
if the Native Americans just keep building
their casinos and their highways uh,
until we have nowhere else to go?? We
have to stand up to them now! Rrrgh!
Forget it! Come on, you guys!
CARTMAN
You're all a bunch of God-damned pussies!
[South Park, day. Moments later, a train of bulldozers roll down
into town. Runs with Premise, riding on the lead bulldozer, looks
happy until he sees the boys standing abreast on the street,
blocking the way]
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Get out of our way!
STAN
No! We won't let you destroy our town!
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Boys. It isn't your town anymore.
STAN
Just because you have a piece of paper
saying you own it doesn't make it yours.
We grew up here. Our parents grew up
here. We shop at that Wal-Mart, and
eat at that Chilis. We take fish from
the streams and bread them and freeze
them to make fish sticks. This is not
just a town, it is our way of life.
ELDER 1
Well your way of life is about to change,
little boys. Now move!
KYLE
You can't just roll into places and
take people's lives away!
A DRIVER
And what are four little boys going
to do to stop us, huh?
TOWNSFOLK
We are strong
No one can tell us we're wrong [Stan looks behind him, smiles,
then looks up to his left. People now appear on the roofs of
the buildings as well as on the street.]
Searching our hearts for so lohh-oo-ohh-oo-ong [Stan looks at
the roofs on the other side of the street, smiling.]
Both of us knowing... [The boys grin]
Love Is A Battlefield
STAN
This land is not for sale.
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Damnit! I thought you said they were
dealt with!
ELDER 1
They were!
MR. GARRISON
Sorry, Charlies! You can just keep your
filthy bastard Indian money!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Filthy bastard Native American money!
MR. GARRISON
Uh oh, right, huh. Sorry about that.
RUNS WITH PREMISE
This isn't over!
JIMBO
We'll never give up! You bastards!
ALEX
Yeah! South Park is ours.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
But, what do we do now? I mean, we can't
just stand here and block their way
forever.
RANDY
We can stand here as long as it takes.
[Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise looks
over the casino floor from his office]
RUNS WITH PREMISE
What is the state of our people?
ELDER 2
Last nignt I spoke with the spirit of
the bear, and Bear said that if we do
not build our highway soon, our investors
may soon sell off their shares of the
new casino.
ELDER 1
Yes, and Eagle says the cumulative shared
market loss on the revenue of the new
casino drops fiftenn percent every day.
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Then we must force the South Park people
off their petty land.
ELDER 1
But they are determined and proud. And
the spirit of the wind has stated that
if we use force, it could be a publicity
nightmare, further hurting our net assets.
RUNS WITH PREMISE
I already have a plan how we can force
them off our land... sneakily. We're
going to give them... blankets.
ELDER 1
Blankets?
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Yes. We will present the blankets as
a peace offering. But what the round-eyes
will not know is that the blankets are
infected with SARS. They will all get
SARS! And then SARS will run through
their town like a buffalo. Now I need
your help getting the SARS onto the
blankets. Okay, bring them in! Let's
see how South Park deals with this!
Everyone grab a Chinese person and
rub them on a blanket. Make sure you
rub them all over. Get the SARS nice
and deep in there.
[South Park, next day. The deadline has arrived]
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing in chilly South Park,
Colorado, where the residents are entering
the third day of their sit-in to try
and stop Native Americans from building
a superhighway through their town. The
temperature is low, but spirits are
pretty low, too.
RANDY
What do they want?
MR. GARRISON
We're not moving, assfaces!
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Free blanket? Though I know we have
differences, we believe a compromise
can be reached. In the meantime, it
hurts us to see you all on television
sitting in the cold. Will you not take
this offering as a gesture of goodwill?
MR. GARRISON
You had me at "free blanket."
ELDERS
Free blanket? Free blanket? Free blanket...
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, it now looks as if the Native Americans
are handing out blankets as a sign of
goodwill towards the South Park people.
What an incredible display of compassion.
I certainly hope there's nothing sinister
behind it.
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Please. As a token of good faith.
RANDY
You... understand if I'm a little wary
of trusting you.
RUNS WITH PREMISE
It is only a blanket, Mister Marsh.
RANDY
Well, thanks.
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Oh. You're welcome.
[South Park, day, later. People are anywhere from asleep to sick.]
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, it's Tuesday morning now, and
the outbreak of SARS in South Park has
reached epic proportions. The entire
town has been quarantined by the federal
government, nobody allowed in our out,
which means, nobody can come to our
aid. It appears this town, and this
reporter, are done for. Coming up next,
choosing the right hair conditioner.
What you don't know about hair care
products could be costing you a bundle.
[Randy has taken ill and now lies under a lean-to. Sharon sits
on one side of the lean-to, Shelley on the other. Stan walks
up to his dad with a can of beer in his hand. Randy coughs]
STAN
It's all right, dad.
RANDY
How's your... mother?
STAN
She's hanging in there. Here, drink
some beer.
RANDY
It's cool on my tongue.
STAN
You're gonna be all right.
RANDY
Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS.
There's only a ninety-eight percent
chance that I will live.
STAN
No, Dad, NO.
RANDY
Listen, Stan. SARS is destroying our
people. The Native Americans put it
in the blankets they gave us. Soon
there will be only ninety-eight percent
of us left.
STAN
What can I do?
RANDY
You... must find a cure for SARS, son.
And save our people.
STAN
Cure SARS? Aw, Jesus!
RANDY
The spirit of middle-class white people
is strong in you, son. Seek out the
wise man in Bellocreek. Now go. GO!
[Bellocreek Trailer Park. Stan approaches it and enters. He walks
up to a trailer and knocks on the door.]
WISE MAN
What?
STAN
Hey, my name's Stan, and I was-
WISE MAN
Your coming was foretold to me. You've
come to save our people. Come in. Watch
the cats.
STAN
Uh so, do you know how to cure SARS?
WISE MAN
Me?? Huh, no. I am just a guide. Sit
down. You must find the answer yourself,
by taking an inward journey.
STAN
An inward journey? That sounds kind
of gay.
WISE MAN
Let the voices of our ancestors show
you the way. Breathe. Breathe from
the bag of visions.
STAN
Ah! Oh, dude!
[Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise holds
a meetingn in his second-story office.]
RUNS WITH PREMISE
How much longer must we wait for our
superhighway??
ELDER 1
SARS has spread through the entire town
of South Park, Chief Runs with Premise.
Their wills will break soon.
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Then I suppose we must be patient.
WOMAN
Runs with Premise, come quickly!
RUNS WITH PREMISE
What is the matter, wife?
WOMAN
It is our son, Premise Running Thin.
He is very sick.
[Premise Running Thin's bedroom. He's in bed, wearing a headband
with a feather attached to it. His parents approach]
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Premise Running Thin, what is the matter?
WOMAN
He, he shared a cup with one of the
people from China. He has SARS!
RUNS WITH PREMISE
No! I told you not to touch them!
PREMISE RUNNING THIN
Papa. Papa...
MEDICINE MAN
I have given him herbs from the desert
plant and water from the cactus of life.
But nothing seems to be working.
PREMISE RUNNING THIN
This would never have happened if those
townspeople would have just moved away!
No more waiting around! Tomorrow we
begin the final stage of our plan! Shock
and Awe!
[South Park, next day. The townspeople are still sick. Stan runs
up to Randy.]
STAN
Dad! Dad!
RANDY
Stanley. Did you have an inward journey
with the old man? Did you have a vision??
STAN
Ah, I don't know if I did or not. I,
I saw something, someone spoke to me
and... told me the middle-class white
way to cure SARS. Campbell's Chicken
Noodle Soup, Dayquil, and Sprite.
RANDY
Yes. Yes, of course. Quickly, Stan,
we must give it to everyone!
KYLE
Boy, that really did the trick, Stan.
I thought we were kind of, sort of,
not really done for.
ALEX
Thanks to you, we're all safe now, Stan.
RUNS WITH PREMISE
Now, I will blow your weak, SARS-infested
bodies off the Earth! What the? Wait
a minute. Stop! Stop! Your, your SARS.
Where did it go?
RANDY
We have cured ourselves using the medicines
of our culture.
RUNS WITH PREMISE
My son... Premise Running Thin has the
SARS as well. You... you can cure him?
[Three Feathers Casino, upstairs. Premise Running Thin sits in
bed sipping his soup. A can of Sprite and some Dayquil are on
his tray. Around his bed are the Three Feathers tribe on one
side, the South Park residents on the other]
ELDER 1
It is amazing. All our plants and herbs
failed to heal him, but your people's
remedy brings the spirit of the buffalo
back into his heart. Perhaps there are
many things we can learn from your way
of life.
RANDY
We're a simple people. All we want is
to be allowed to live our lives.
RUNS WITH PREMISE
You have cured Premise Running Thin.
In return, I shall give you all five
dollars credit at the casino. All right,
all right, I will not build a superhighway
through your town. And you can all have
your homes back.
TOWNSFOLK
All right! Yeah! Woohoo!
ALEX
Well, I guess we all learned that South
Park is more than just a town. It's
a community that nobody can split up.
STAN
Dude, who the hell are you?
ALEX
Alex. Alex Glick. I got to come on and
do the guest voice thingy.
KYLE
What?! Get the hell out of here!
ALEX
Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Joe!
THE END
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