"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 211
"ROGER EBERT SHOULD LAY OFF THE FATTY FOODS"
Written by
Trey Parker & David Goodman
[A television is on, and the end of an episode of Barnaby Jones
is near]
POLICE COMMISSIONER
Well, detective. It looks like ya fooled
them again.
BARNABY JONES
All in a day's work, I guess. I just
hope that next time, I won't have to
run so much.
BARNABY JONES
AS CULTURAL TEXT
[The camera backs up to reveal that the TV is in Mr. Garrison's
classroom, and that class is in session]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, what do you think Barnaby
Jones meant when he said, "This is not
a victimless crime"? Anybody? Children,
were you paying attention?!
KYLE
Mr. Garrison, we've been watching Barnaby
Jones repeats for eight days now. It's
hard to keep paying attention.
MR. GARRISON
Oh, well excuse me, Kyle! Why don't
you just forget what Barnaby Jones has
to say?! Why don't you not pay attention
to Barnaby Jones and then let's see
how far you get in society?! Okay, Stanley,
why don't you tell us how Barnaby Jones
knew the poison was in the milk?
STAN
Can't we just be like normal third-graders
for a little while?
MR. GARRISON
Oh, and what do you consider normal?!
STAN
I don't know, like, learn about art
'n music and go on field trips and stuff.
THE CLASS
Yeah!
MR. GARRISON
Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, it just so happens
we are going on a field trip tomorrow!
THE CLASS
Hooray!
KYLE
To where?
MR. GARRISON
To the planetarium.
THE CLASS
AAWWWW!
CARTMAN
Planetariums suck!
MR. GARRISON
Oh now, what's wrong with the planetarium?
STAN
It's boring.
KYLE
Yeah, all the constellations look alike.
MR. GARRISON
Well, too bad! You're all going to the
planetarium and you're all going to
love it! In the meantime, we're going
to watch episode #203, Barnaby Under
Siege.
THE CLASS
Aawwww.
MR. GARRISON
Oh, sorry, I taped these at home, so
there's more commercials.
ANNOUNCER
Hey kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs?
THE CLASS
Yes.
ANNOUNCER
Well, Cheesy Poofs is looking for a
kid to sing the happy Cheesy Poofs song.
Watch for our talent van as it goes
around the country.
CARTMAN
I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song!
ANNOUNCER
If you win, you could be picked to be
in our next Cheesy Poofs commercial.
So remember,
I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs
# If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame [Cartman is singing
along by the end of the first line]
[The next day. Mr. Garrison and the class are headed away from
South Park on Ms. Crabtree's bus. The kids are making a lot of
noise and running around]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, let's quiet down so
the nice bus driver can concentrate
on the road.
MS. CRABTREE
THAT AIN'T HOW YOY DO IT! YOU DO IT
LIKE THIS: SIDDOWN AND SHUT UP!!
MR. GARRISON
Ow! Jesus, lady!
TANTALUS V. OBSERVATORY
[Ms. Crabtree hits the brakes so hard the bus bucks and sends
kids flying out of their seats]
MS. CRABTREE
THIS IS THE PLANETARIUM-WATCH YOUR STEP
ON THE WAY DOWN SO AS NOT TO HURT YOURSEELF!
KID
Ow.
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, now I'm going to remind
you that this is a planetarium, not
a Bangkok brothel. Let's behave ourselves.
ANNOUNCER
Does your child have what it takes
to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer?
CARTMAN
Hey, there it is!
ANNOUNCER
We're going around the country to find
the kid who can sing the Cheesy Poofs
song better than anybody.
CARTMAN
I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song with
both hands tied behnd my back!
KYLE
You couldn't get both arms behind your
back, fatass!
MR. GARRISON
Come on, Eric. We're going to the planetarium.
CARTMAN
But I'll have to sing the Cheesy Poofs
song for that talent va-a-an!
MR. GARRISON
No, you have to go in this building
and see a bunch of stupid stars! Now,
come on!
CARTMAN
But I wanna sing the Cheesy Poofs song
on the commercial!
[The class enters the observatory, and some of the students are
awed by it all]
A BOY
Wow, don't you…?
A GIRL
What is that?
DR. ADAMS
Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams.
Welcome to the plane'arium.
KYLE
I thought it was "plane-tarium."
DR. ADAMS
Well, it is. But I have a bone disease
which impedes my ability to pronounce
the "t" in "plane'arium"
MR. GARRISON
That's a pretty weird bone disease.
DR. ADAMS
Yes. Perhaps someday I can get a bone-marrow
transplant. Yes, little boy?
CARTMAN
How long is that Chessy Poofs van gonna
be outside?
DR. ADAMS
Well I don't know. But anyway, boys
and girls, soon you'll be witnessing
the wonders of the universe. But first,
I wanna show you how the plane'arium
works.
CARTMAN
As if we care.
KYLE
Hey, who are you?
DR. ADAMS
Ughuh, little Missy here runs the big
projector for us.
MISSY
I love my work.
STAN
Whoa, dude! You're only as old as us;
shouldn't you be in school?
MISSY
I love my work.
DR. ADAMS
Come on. Let's get into the plane'arium,
shall we?
[in the planetarium proper. The class sits in a small theater
and Dr. Adams is in a small room behind the class. Another kid
works some controls on a machine on the theater floor.]
DR. ADAMS
Good morning, children, and welcome
to the plane'arium. We're going on a
fascinating ride through the universe,
so I want you to lean back in your chairs
and get comfortable.
STAN
This is stupid.
DR. ADAMS
And now I'm going to dim the lights
and let the stars… ehcome out.
KYLE
Whoopie.
DR. ADAMS
Here we see the constellatiion called,
"The Big Dipper" If I project a drawing
of a big dipper on top of it, a-hah
, we see where this constellation gets
its name. These stars over here form
the constellation of Taurus, the Bull
, while these stars form the constellation,
"Roger Ebert" . And these two little
stars over here form the constellation
The Crusades . Now, stars are actually
made of hot gas, which is exactly what
comes out of…
CARTMAN
Aw man, screw this.
DR. ADAMS
And now breathe deep as the stars sloowwly
start to move in little circles. I
know you think plane'ariums are boring,
but I'm gonna try to change the way
you think about that.
[Outside, tryouts are underway. Cartman stands behind a boy currently
singing for the talent van]
BOY
…you love Cheesy Poofs
If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame
ANNOUNCER
That was great, Tommy. Tommy Fritz from
Torrey Pines! He could be our winner.
CARTMAN
Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked
ass!
ANNOUNCER
Oh, and what's your name, little boy?
CARTMAN
Eric Cartman.
ANNOUNCER
Alright, here's Eric Cartman giving
it a shot.
TOMMY
Aaah!
CARTMAN
I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs
If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame.
I'm talkin' Night-Court-in-it's-fifth-season lame-aaaahh!
ANNOUNCER
Wow!
CARTMAN
Thaat's right, suck on that.
MR. GARRISON
Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?
KYLE
Oh, man, I don't feel so good.
STAN
Me neither, but… I loved the planetarium.
KYLE
Me too. It was sweet.
MR. GARRISON
Really? What did you like best about
it?
STAN
I don't know. I don't even remember
what happened.
MR. GARRISON
Wait a minute. Where is Eric?
CARTMAN
I did it! I did it!
KYLE
Did what?
CARTMAN
I got a call-back for the Cheesy Poofs
song!
MR. GARRISON
You snuck off and sang that stupid song?!
CARTMAN
Yeah, dude, but I got in the finals
for tomorrow!
DR. ADAMS
Goodbye, children. Thanks for visiting.
Don't forget: we have Laser Rock shows
at night here at the plane-'arium. This
week it's laser Kenny Loggins and laser
James Taylor.
[The class is on the bus going back to school]
KYLE
My head still feels funny.
STAN
Yeah, mine too.
CARTMAN
Hey you guys, when I'm done with that-
Cheesy Poofs commercial, I bet I get
all the free Cheesy Poofs I want.
KYLE
Like you really need it, hippo-ass!
CARTMAN
It's sad how jealous you are, Kyle.
It really is.
BOY
Waaaah!
STAN, KYLE
AAAAAH!
KYLE
Whoa, dude! Who the hell are you?!
BOY
My… name… is… vvan… G-gelder.
STAN
Van Gelder?? What the hell are you doing
on our bus?! Mr. Garrison, there's some
freaky kid from the planetarium on our
bus!
MR. GARRISON
Oh, great! Well I guess we have to go
back!
VAN GELDER
Nnno! Nn-don't go back! Nnno!
CARTMAN
Hey, be careful, asshole!
VAN GELDER
Eegh! Don't take me back there! I can't…
can't…
STAN
Alright, dude. Mellow out, jeez!
VAN GELDER
AAaagghh.
MR. GARRISON
We've better get him to the nurse's
office, stat!
[The nurse's office. Van Gelder has been strapped down. Principal
Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are present]
VAN GELDER
Aagh! The planetarium! Haah!
NURSE GOLLUM
I'll give him a pain killer. That should
calm him down.
VAN GELDER
Nno! Nnno pain killer! I'll be okay!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Okay uh van Gelder-
VAN GELDER
Nnnaaaah!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
-okay uh I'm Counselor Mackey. Have
you been smokin' marijawana? Marijawana's
bad, mkay?
VAN GELDER
Eh must… kill… the machine. The machine
is… e-e-e-ghe gheh-
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, I've never seen anything like
this. What do you think, principal?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, whatever happened to him happened
at the planetarium.
VAN GELDER
Haah! Planetarium!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
I think tonight the planetarium is doing
laser Loggins. I might have to check
it out.
VAN GELDER
Nnaaah!
[At the planetarium later that night, laser Loggins is underway.
"Footloose" plays and laser displays of feet dance around the
ceiling]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh, man, this is boring!
MAN
Yeah, who the heck finds this interesting?
TEEN 1
Dude, this is totally killer.
TEEN 2
I hope this goes on for like, seven
months, man.
DR. ADAMS
You will not remember what happened
here. To remember it will cause incredible
pain. Incredible pain! Incredible
icky paaiin!
TEEN 1
Dude, I'm totally tripping.
TEEN 2
Dude, this is totally rad.
[South Park Elementary, the next day. The school bell sounds
off]
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, today we're going to
learn all about Japanese poems called
haiku. A haiku is just like a normal
American poem, except that it doesn't
rhyme, and it's totally stupid. For
example- Uh, where is Eric Cartman?
STAN
That's a haiku?
MR. GARRISON
No, I'm asking why Eric Cartman isn't
at school.
STAN
Oh.
MR. GARRISON
Was he on the school bus this morning?
STAN
No.
KYLE
Fatass Cartman was
not on the school bus today.
What a big, fat turd.
MR. GARRISON
Hoh, very good haiku, Kyle. Yes- haikus
have five syllables, then seven, then
five. Kenny, can you give us another
example?
KENNY
(When you rub your dick,
you might find a discharge that
winds up on the floor.)
STAN
Yeah. What's a discharge?
KYLE
Mr. Garrison, since haiku sucks so much
ass, could we go to the planetarium
again?
STAN
Yeah, I wanna go to the planetarium
again, too.
MR. GARRISON
But you were just there! Why do you
wanna go again so soon?
STAN
Yeah, why do we wanna go again so soon?
KYLE
I dunno. I just have this sudden urge
to go back.
MR. GARRISON
Well, I guess we could go again, since
it's just down the street.
CARTMAN
Well, hello, it's all my little friends
with all their little dreams.
MR. GARRISON
Eric, where have you been?
CARTMAN
Let's see, where have I been, where
have I been?
STAN
Where have you been, Cartman?
CARTMAN
Wweell, I might have been over at the
Cheesy Poofs call-back, winning regional
champsionship!
THE CLASS
Whoa!
CARTMAN
This is my regional championship certificate!
Do you like it? Hey, where is your
regional champsionship 'tificate, Clyde?
Oh, you don't have one? Hmmm. Do you
have a regional certificate, Wendy?
Nno? Apparently, only I do.
KYLE
Ass full of pork fat
jiggles like a Jello mold.
Mouth is flapping, too.
CARTMAN
Your haiku insults have no effect on
me, Kyle. I'm regional champion.
STAN
Does that mean you're gonna be on that
Cheesy Poofs commercial?
CARTMAN
It's between me and four other kids.
I'm on my way now with my mom to the
finals.
KYLE
I bet you don't win.
They don't let big fat asses
perform on TV.
MR. GARRISON
Very good, Kyle.
CARTMAN
Shut your God-damned mouth
or else I'm… gonna… kick you
square in the balls… ass-hole
Aw, damn it! [one too many syllables there]
[Van Gelder is still strapped down. Mr. Mackey stops by]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Um. How's he doing, nurse?
NURSE GOLLUM
He's stable, but I still can't get any
information out of him. I'm gonna sedate
him now.
VAN GELDER
Nno! No drugs.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Drugs are good, mkay?
VAN GELDER
Nno! Don't let them g-go… planetarium!
NURSE GOLLUM
But why, van Gelder?
VAN GELDER
The machine. The machine is aaaah.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
The machine is aaaah? Uh that's probably
bad.
NURSE GOLLUM
He's been talking about "the machine"
for hours. That and Daisy Fuentes.
VAN GELDER
Wha- why in America's Funniest Home
Videos? Why?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, there's only one way to get any
sense out of him. We're gonna have to
try a mind meld, mkay?
NURSE GOLLUM
A what??
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, it's an ancient technique handed
down from school counselor to school
counselor. I don't like to use it, but
it may be our only hope.
NURSE GOLLUM
Well, wwhat will you need?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Just time to prepare, nurse. Just time.
Mkay?
[Tantalus V. Obsevatory. The class is back]
DR. ADAMS
Well, children, I'm so glad you came
back to learn more.
MR. GARRISON
They just begged to come back; I couldn't
get them to shut up about it.
DR. ADAMS
Well, I'm sure we're going to have a
marvelous time. Won't we, children?
THE CLASS
Yes.
TEEN 1
This way, please.
TEEN 2
Enjoy your visit.
[The class is in the theater now, looking at the laser show]
DR. ADAMS
Billions of stars and billions of galaxies
make up our universe. Here you see Polaris,
the dog star.
MR. GARRISON
I'm just gonna step outside and go
weewee.
DR. ADAMS
Certainly, Mr. Garrison. You love the
planetarium! To be without the planetarium
causes you horrible pain! All you want
to do is help the planetarium thrive!
To not do so makes your stomach ache
with needlelike stab- and right over
here we see the constellation Orion.
Orion's belt is made up of three stars,
one of which is actually a pulsar…
STAN
Dude, what just happened?
KYLE
What do you mean?
STAN
Come on, we've gotta get out of here
before something bad happens.
[Cheesy Poofs Call Backs Today! Cartman and his mom wait with
the other finalists and their parents on sofas in the front office.
Cartman is picking at his nose]
LIANE
Don't pick your nose, hon.
CARTMAN
I wasn't picking it-I had an itch, for
cryin' out loud!
LIANE
Don't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.
CARTMAN
I don't know. There's a lot of competition
here.
POOR GIRL
Do you think I might win, Mommy?
POOR MOM
I hope so, honey. Then perhaps we can
eat for a little while.
CARTMAN
Hey, look! They're giving away bread
outside!
POOR GIRL
Did you hear that, Mommy?
POOR MOM
Come on! Perhaps we can get some food
in our stomachs!
CARTMAN
Psych!
[The Planetarium. Stan and Kyle are standing outside. The doors
open and the rest of the class straggles out]
MR. GARRISON
What the hell are you boys doing? You're
supposed to be in there.
STAN
Mr. Garrison, we think that the planetarium
guy is-
KYLE
Sshh!
DR. ADAMS
Goodbye, children. Thanks for coming.
CLYDE
I wanna go again. I wanna go again!
MR. GARRISON
Oh, for Pete's sake, Clyde. You just
went!
DR. ADAMS
Well, Clyde, if you like the plane'arium
so much, perhaps you'd like to do some
volumteer work here.
CLYDE
Yes. Yes, please!
SWANSON
Me, too!
JORDAN
Me, too! I wanna do it! I'd love to
work here.
A GIRL
I'd like to tape the show!
FOSSE
Yeah, me tohohoo. Plahanehetaharium's
gahahay!
DR. ADAMS
Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON
Well, I guess I could give them extra
credit for it.
DR. ADAMS
Excellent! Why don't we step over here
and I'll show all you children how to
volunteer.
THE CLASS
Hooray!
STAN
Dude, this isn't right.
KYLE
Why?
STAN
We're kids, dude. We don't volunteer
for anything.
KYLE
Oh, yeah.
STAN
Come on, we've gotta see what's going
on in there.
KYLE
Here's the control panel that operates
all the stars.
STAN
Kenny, you go out there and tell us
what you see.
KENNY
(Okay. Got to have some huggin')
STAN
He hits this switch-
KENNY
(I don't see anything)
KYLE
You see? Nothing, dude. Just a bunch
of stars.
STAN
Yeah, I guess so.
KENNY
(Whoa, dude.)
KYLE
What does that do?
STAN
I don't know.
KYLE
Kenny! What's it doing?
STAN
This says "maximum." Oh my God, we've
killed Kenny!
KYLE
We're bastards!
STAN
Dude, I told you something was up with
this place!
KYLE
We've gotta go tell somebody, quick!
[Casting Office. The finalists are showing their best work now]
BOY
(clap clap clap)-G-O
(clap clap ---)-G-O
and Bingo was his name-o
Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o
(clap clap clap-clap) 0
(clap clap clap-clap clap) 0
(clap clap clap-clap clap) 0
and Bingo was his name-o
Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o
(clap) ING (clap)
(clap) ING (clap)
# and Bingo was his name-o [finishes with a flourish and a bow]
CENTER JUDGE
Thank you… uh, Peter. We'll let you
know very soon. Next will be uuh, Eric
Theodore Cartman.
LIANE
Hello, everybody. Now, just do it
like we rehearsed, hon.
CARTMAN
I know, I know!
She works hard for the money
So hard for it, honey
# She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right
[he rips off his jacket and reveals a sky blue sequined vest
and bowtie - and his belly button. The judges are surprised]
She works hard for the money
So hard for it, honey
# She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right
[he moonwalks, then faces the judges again. End of performance]
CENTER JUDGE
Well, Heric Cartman, that certainly
was… insane.
CARTMAN
Thank you.
CENTER JUDGE
We'll let you know.
LIANE
Thank you. Don't pick your nose, hon.
CARTMAN
I'm not pickin' it ma! God damn it,
I have a itch!
CENTER JUDGE
Jesus, where do we find these people?!
[South Park Elementary, the nurse's office]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Our minds are one. Mkay? Our thoughts
are one. Mkay?
NURSE GOLLUM
This is the strangest thing I've ever
seen!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Please, nurse, for a woman with a dead
fetus on your head, you're not being
very open-minded. Open your mind to
your counselor. Open your mind.
VAN GELDER
Dr. Adams.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yes.
NURSE GOLLUM
He owns the planetarium. What about
him?
VAN GELDER, MR. MACKEY
He uses the machine. The star machine.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Mkay?
VAN GELDER, MR. MACKEY
He uses it to erase minds.
NURSE GOLLUM
But why?
VAN GELDER, MR. MACKEY
Planetarium, about to go out of business.
Adams had to create slaves to survive.
NURSE GOLLUM
My God! This is amazing!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Abuh. Please, nurse, you're throwin'
off my chi! Mkay?
[Casting Office. The results are in]
CENTER JUDGE
Well, we'd certainly like to thank all
our finalists. Only one of our finalists
can win the grand prize and… unfortunately,
that finalist is Eric Cartman.
CARTMAN
Yes! I'm the best!
CENTER JUDGE
You were actually our last choice. Uh
the other children have unexpectedly
taken jobs as volunteers at the planetarium.
BLONDE JUDGE
That's odd.
CARTMAN
Sweeet!
[News 4 Special Report]
TOM
It appears that more and more South
Park residents are discovering the wonder
and joy of the planetarium. Here with
a special report is a 34-year old Asian
man who looks strikingly similar to
Ricardo Montalban.
ASIAN REPORTER
Thanks, Tom. Yes, indeed, the planetarium
has become very popular as word spreads
that it really isn't as lame and stupid
as one suspected. I'm here with the
planetarium operator, Dr. Adams.
DR. ADAMS
Thank you. I'd like to open an invitation
to all South Park residents to come
see a special free show this evening.
I guarantee, it will change the way
you think about the plane'ah-arium
ASIAN REPORTER
So, bring the whole family to the plane-tarium
for a night of excitement and wonder.
SOUTH PARK POLICE DEPT.
[Stan and Kyle are inside talking to Officer Barbrady]
STAN
…and then we turned the dial, and Kenny
went into a kind of hypnosis.
OFFICER BARBRADY
That's a pretty far-fetched story, boys.
KYLE
But it's true, dude!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Are you boys sure you're not just making
this all up?
STAN
Yeah, pretty sure.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, just as soon as I handle all the
other crime in South Park, I'm gonna
go with you to the planetarium so I
can prove that nothing's wrong.
STAN
What other crime in South Park?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Oh, yeah. Let's go.
[Time for Cartman's big debut]
DIRECTOR
Okay. Let's shoot the commercial. Where's
our Cheesy Poof talent?
CARTMAN
I'm over here.
LIANE
Oohh, you look great, hon. Mommy's fat
little piggy.
CARTMAN
Aay! Let's hurry. This costume is hot.
DIRECTOR
Okay, roll camera, aaand action.
CARTMAN
I love Cheesy Poofs, you-
LIANE
Oh wait, wait. You've got a little
eye booger, hon.
CARTMAN
Oh, Mom, for Pete's sake!
LIANE
Got it.
DIRECTOR
Aaand action.
CARTMAN
I love Cheesy Poofs-
DIRECTOR
Hold it! Cut! Could we get some more
light on that backdrop?
STAGEHAND
Sure thing.
CARTMAN
Oh, man, c'mon!
STAGEHAND
Got it.
DIRECTOR
Okay. Here we go, aaand action.
CARTMAN
I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Chee-
DIRECTOR
Cut!
CARTMAN
What?!
DIRECTOR
I'm not liking the shoes. Could we change
the shoes?
CARTMAN
Oh, God damnit!
[Barbrady, Stan, and Kyle show up at the planetarium. Barbrady
knocks and the door opens]
DR. ADAMS
Oh. Hello, officer of the law.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator.
DR. ADAMS
What brings you out here?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, these boys seem to think you're
some kind of sick weirdo that's got
a master plan to screw with the minds
of everyone in town.
DR. ADAMS
Oh, really?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Yeah. I just thought I'd come show them
around so they'd know there's nothing
to be scared of.
DR. ADAMS
Actually, this is a pretty inopportune
time.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Okay, I'll be quick, then.
DR. ADAMS
Of coure, officer. Come on in.
[Barbrady and the boys enter. What they see inside is something
else. Kids, Bebe among them, are sweeping and cleaning the exhibits.
Chef is helping out, too. All of them are wearing gray planetarium
suits]
CHEF
Hello, children.
STAN
Oh, no! They got Chef, too!
CHEF
Welcome to the planetarium.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, it's nice to see you finally got
a real job, Chef.
CHEF
I love my work.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Oh I know what you mean. I've always
loved the planetarium, too.
DR. ADAMS
Would you like to see the stars, officer?
STAN, KYLE
No!
OFFICER BARBRADY
That would be super-duper!
KYLE
Don't do it, Officer Barbrady!
[Cartman's house. He's calling everyone he knows…]
AN AGED VOICE
Hello?
CARTMAN
Hi, Grandma. It's me, Eric.
GRANDMA
Oh, hello, Eric. Grandma sure has missed
you.
CARTMAN
I just wanted to remind you that I'm
gonna be on television tonight, so be
sure to watch.
GRANDMA
Oh, I will, Eric. You know, I remember
when I was a little girl and had my
first talent show audition for-
CARTMAN
Okay, bye.
THE MARSHES' ANSWERING MACHINE
Hello? The-uh Marshes aren't in right
now. Please leave a message.
CARTMAN
Stan? I'm gonna be on TV tonight. Be
sure to watch.
THE BROFLOVSKIS' ANSWERING MACHINE
Hello, you've reached the Broflovskis.
Please, leave a message.
CARTMAN
Where the hell is everybody?! I'm gonna
be on TV tonight. You guys better not
miss it!
[Back at the planetarium…]
DR. ADAMS
And this is the constellation called
Cassiopeia
OFFICER BARBRADY
Oh, neato!
DR. ADAMS
And now, officer, from this moment
on, you will think that you are Elvis
Presley.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Who?
DR. ADAMS
To not be Elvis will cause you great
pain.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Pain.
DR. ADAMS
You see, children? There's no stopping
me. Even your highly intelligent policemen
are no match for me.
KYLE
He's not highly intelligent.
STAN
Why are you doing this, dude?
DR. ADAMS
Why? Because nowadays kids have computers,
surround-sound television. They've forgotten
all about plane'ariums. But I'll make
them remember, starting with the two
of you!
[Cartman's house. He's watching the TV for his commercial]
VOICE-OVER
Terrance and Phillip will be right back
after these announcements.
CARTMAN
Oh, dude, here it comes!
CHEESY POOFS COMMERCIAL
Packed full of ingredients, Cheesy Poofs
can really give you that quick pick-me-up.
So remember
# I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs [the box opens and
Cheesy Poof pour out]
If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be-
# [the Cheesy Poofs rain down on a pile of Cheesy Poof in which
children swim]
CHEESY POOF CARTMAN
Lame.
VOICE-OVER
And now back to Terrance and Phillip.
CARTMAN
Yes! Yes, that was me! I was on television!
[Mr. Mackey and Nurse Gollum burst through the planetarium doors.
Mr. Mackey is pissed. Facing them are Dr. Adams, Officer Barbrady,
Stan, Kyle, and the two teens]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Aha! Caught you red-handed! Mkay!
STAN
Mr. Mackey!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Officer Barbrady, uh, this man is using
some kind of mind control.
Officer Barbrady [doing a twisted Elvis Presley] Wuzzariah? Ulduhooyah?
Guh. Ahoohooyuh?
NURSE GOLLUM
What's wrong with him?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Ah-yeah, babe, yeah, babe
uhyeah hwah yeah hwah wayah ahowowowowayah
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh no, apparently, he thinks he's Charlton
Heston.
DR. ADAMS
No, you idiot! He thinks he's Elvis.
Elvis, escort our guests to the plane'arium.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Holdjit If you wouldn't mind, uugh.
Could you please follow me?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh oh.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Odle-oh who whoo?
[The planetarium, that night. Nurse Gollum, Mr. Mackey, Stan,
and Kyle are strapped into their seats in the theater]
DR ADAMS
Well, let's begin, shall we? And now
you'll remember nothing, except that
the planet'arium is the best thing you've
ever known!
CARTMAN
Well, well well! You guys can now kiss
my ass, because I was on television!
Ey! Didn't you guys see it?! I was
on television! You missed it! You missed
it because of this stupid planetarium!
Planetariums suck ass!
DR. ADAMS
Aaah. Aaah. Aaah.
KYLE
Cartman! You saved us!
CARTMAN
What the hell are you talking about?
STAN
Get over here and untie us!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Eric, you really saved the day. Mkay?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Not so fast there, tubby. Uh I'm just
takin' care of business.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Think hard, Elvis. You're not really
the king of rock and roll. You're a
fat, stupid, worthless policeman in
a small town. Mkay?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Oh, thank you from a fate worse than
death, counselor.
STAN
Oh my God! Dr. Adams!
[Everyone rushes to the control room window to see what's happened.
Dr. Adams is seated inside against a wall, slumped on his right
side]
KYLE
He got a full dose of the stars.
STAN
Yeah. With nobody around to say anything.
KYLE
Can you imagine it, Stan. A mind, emptied
by that… thing.
CARTMAN
Wow. What a day this has been. I was
on TV, and, I'm a hero.
LIANE
Don't pick your nose, hon.
CARTMAN
God damnit, Mom, I wasn't pickin' it!
I have an itch!
[End of Roger Ebert Should Lay Off The Fatty Foods. The Cheesy
Poofs anthem plays]
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