"SIMPSONS ALREADY DID IT"
[Kyle's house, day. Stan and Kyle are happily preparing a snowman,
which now has twigs, buttons, a hat and scarf. Tweek stands behind
Stan holding a carrot.]
Okay, now put on the nose, Tweek.
I can't. You do it.
Just stick it on.
But what if I put it in the wrong place?
Just put it between his eyes.
GARH. But what if, while I'm putting
on the nose, the snowman comes to life
and tries to kill me?
Tweek, when has that ever happened,
except for that one time?
Oh, hey Butters.
How are things... oing with your new
Well, Tweek's okay, but he's certainly
Yeah, but he's still better than you,
Well ah, that's good. Good luck being
their new friend, Tweek. I hope you'll
do better than me. Well, see ya fellas.
Oh man, that is waaay too much pressure!
You guys, you guys! You're not gonna
Everything's gonna be okay, you guys!
Life isn't so crappy after all!
No! I was looking in this magazine,
and I found an ad for little ocean creatures
that you can buy and raise in your room!
Look! Sea people. You keep them under
a big tank of water and they like, build
castles and play basketball and stuff.
Yeah! And look! They ride around on
turtles and they play games with fish.
Okay, Kyle, you're being a Negative
Nancy. Stop it. Eh, unless you want
everyone to call you Negative Nancy
from now on. Now, what we need is to
all chip in four dollars, and we can
have them here tonorrow!
Only sixteen dollars? They can't be
cool if they're only sixteen dollars.
If Nancy doesn't want to chip in, then
it will be $5.35 per person!
Alright, I'll chip in.
Gah! Me too.
[Butters' house, day. He reaches his room.]
Butters! Don't forget: dinner is in
Wokay, mom. Ah I'm just gonna be up
here, uh doin' my homework. Yes. By
day he is mild-mannered, sweet, and
innocent Butters BUT... nobody knows
that he actually has a dark underside...
Professor Chaos! Haha! Time to wreak
havoc on the world that shunned me!
Ah, my faithful companion in world destruction,
I have done as you asked and brought
the first load of scrap wood.
Excellent, General Disarray! Now we
can begin my most horrible evil plan
yet to wreak havoc on humanity.
What dastardly deed are we doing now?
Simple, my dear general. We are going
to block out the sun!
Oh yes! I have plotted for weeks, and
figured that if we build a huge ...wooden
shade eighty feet high, a-and fifty
feet wide , precisely on this hill,
South Park ...will forever be cast in
a great shadow.
Soon, all people will have to live like
moles! They will love only to remember
with sorrow how great the sun used to
Cool. It'll be just like on the Simpsons.
They did that on the Simpsons. I think
it was the Mr. Burns character. He tried
to block Springfield from the sun.
He did? Hawww, heck. I thought I was
So how do we build it?
Aww, I don't wanna do it now , not if
they already did it on the Simpsons.
I have to think of something else.
Uh Goddamnit, how come every time I
think of something clever, the Simpsons
already did it?
[Cartman's house, night. The living room light is on. Cartman
is sleeping, dreaming...]
Sea people... coming in the mail tomorrow...
[The dream sequence]
Look at me, livin' free
Free and clean amongst the Sea People
[the sea couple and he sail by in a tiny pirate ship. They take
him into the castle]
We look for pirates and search for gold.
Life is an adventure with the Sea People
[A sea man pitches to Cartman, who bats the ball for a run. As
a sea family looks on he blows out the candles on a cake.]
They don't ever conplain, they don't call me fat.
They don't make me do homework or nothin' like that.
[he rides a sea horse alongside sea people on horseback and grins
at the camera]
This is the way life was meant to be. Laughin' and singing,
[Shown walking with the sea couple again.]
Sea people and me.
Sea people and me, you guys.
[The dream ends and the bubbles fade away. Cartman wakes up,
Woowww. Only three more hours, sea people.
Only three hours and you can take me
away from this crappy goddamned planet
full of hippies.
[Cartman's house, day. He's at his desk with the new kit while
Stan, Kyle, and Tweek stand behind him. His dressed as a monarch,
in suit, crown and cape.]
Okay. I've added the water purifier
tablet to the Sea People Kingdom tank.
Now it says "Step 2. Add the Sea People
eggs to the water; you will see sea
life spring instantly." Okay, let's
just run through this one more time:
when the sea people arrive I will welcome
them to South Park as Ambassador of
Earth. Tweek, you give them the key
to the city, and we'll all engage them
in simple conversation. We've gotta
make sea people feel comfortable, okay?
Ready. Let's see 'em.
Hold the sign up, Kyle! Higher, Kyle!
Okay. Here we go.
Are they playing basketball?
What the fuck is this?!
Hey, these are brine shrimp. I used
to feed them to my fish.
I got RIPPED OFF!
I told you, Cartman.
Oh, shut up, Kyle!!! Shut your Goddamned
Jew mouth!!! You people are why there's
war in the Middle East!!! And you,
Tweek!! Why don't you learn to button
your shirt right, for once?! You're
as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend,
always spending time with her!! God,
I hate you guys!! They were supposed
to take me away to their underwater
kingdom. They were supposed to take
me on adventures of the deep
They package brine shrimp and sell
them to kids? That's not right, man!
What are we gonna do with them?
Who cares?! Throw 'em away!!
Hey! Let's pour them in the teacher's
coffee tomorrow morning.
Yeah, that'd be funny.
Heheh, okay, okay.
[next day, Ms. Choksondik's house. The scene from last episode
is carried on here, only zoomed out. The paramedics take Ms Choksondik's
corpse into the ambulance as a crowd looks on. The adults murmur
amongst themselves. The ambulance pulls away and Cartman pulls
the other boys in with some urgency.]
Alright, listen to me! We must take
a strict vow of silence!
Jesus Christ, we killed her!
Shh! Tweek, shut the hell up!
[Dougie's house. He's doing homework on the living room coffee
table when a doorbell rings. He goes to answer it. He opens the
door and Butters steps in with something under wraps]
General Disarray, are your parents home?
Ah, I've done it, General Disarray.
I've completed my most horrible deed
You know that big statue in the town
square of pioneer John Wesley Powell?
I snuck over there with a hacksaw and
uh, and I cut off his head! Hahahahaa,
Hahaha, and they're probably just realizing
that now! Quick! We must turn on the
... but Hillary Clinton's ass just keeps
getting bigger. Also in the news tonight,
a vandal has apparently cut off and
stolen the head of the Powell statue
in the South Park Town Square.
Look! Look! I've made the news! I-I've
The head was taken in the early morning
hours and the police have no leads.
I finally made the world sorry! I've
brought sadness, a-and chaos!
This act, of course, reminded us all
of the time that Bart Simpson took
the head of the Springfield statue in
one of their classic episodes. Here's
what some people had to say:
Well, I, I think whoever took the head
was... really just doing an homage to
the Simpsons. Heh, I think it's great.
Yes, it really made me reflect on that
episode and laugh.
Well the Simpsons is such a great show,
and we need reminders like this to keep
Oh. Uh-m, son of a bitch.
The police say that instead of looking
for the missing head, they'd rather
leave it off and be reminded of the
Simpsons every day.
Well why didn't you tell me the Simpsons
already did that?
You seemed so proud, I didn't wanna
bum you out.
[Kyle's house, night. The boys watch TV on the sofa]
Hello there, Phillip. I brought you
Oh, what is it?
See? We're just watching cartoons, like
always. Nothing's changed.
Jesus Christ, she's dead!!
Stop it, Tweek! We're pretending like
Phillip, I think I may have accidentally
killed Celine Dion.
Killing is never an accident, you dickface!
Oh jeez, change the channel.
And in other news, still no known cause
of death found for elementary school
teacher Diane Choksondik. However, doctors
say that during the autopsy they did
find semen in her stomach.
They found the sea men! It's only a
matter of tiime before they find the
The autopsy is ongoing and cause of
death is yet to be determined.
Oh Jesus! That's it, man! I want nothing
more to do with you guys!
Tweek! Where are you going?
They're gonna find you out! Then when
they do I don't wanna be within fifty
feet of you! You're gonna fry, man!
Hey, Tweek, you're in this just as much
as we are!
What?! I told you NOT to put the sea
people in her coffee! I wasn't even
there when you did it!
Yeah, but you're our new friend and
that makes you cul.. p-piable!
In fact, that makes you the most responsible.
Tweek, you might have to take the fall
on this one.
[Chef's house, night. The boys arrive at his house and ring the
bell. He opens the door and sees them]
Oh, welll, hello there, children.
Chef, we did something kind of bad.
We don't know who else to talk to.
Ohh, I'm sure your little cracker problems
ain't all that bad. Come on in. Now,
just sit down and take a deep breath
and tell ol' Chef what's goin' on.
We need you to promise not to tell
Nowww, children, every problem can be
worked out. What was it?
We... killed our teacher and they found
our seamen in her stomach
...Oh, children, that's a problem we
all have to face at one time or another.
Here: let me sing you a little song
that might cheer you up. Sometimes you
kill your teacher and they find your
semen in her stomach, and uh Wait! What
So what should we do?
Wow, I guess this really is a big deal.
We've only got one option, you guys.
We're gonna have to go to that hospital
where they're doing the autopsy and
get our seamen back ourselves.
Gnaaahahahah! I pulled out my hair!
[Dugie's house, night. In the living room Butters begins to pitch
Wokay, how about this, Dougie? I-I'm
going' to pose as a real-estate agent
and con everyone in town into buyin'
a monorail. And then skip town with
all their money. No?
...Simpsons did it. The did it in episode
Wokay , then I'm goin' to start a Web
site to spread vicious ru-rumrs about
everyone in town! And and then I'll
Simpsons did it!
I'll bury a skeleton wearing angel
wings so that the townspeople will think
a fallen angel has fallen-
Simpsons did it!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, night. Cartman leads the other boys into
the coroner's office]
This is it.
Alright, everyone scatter and look for
the seamen. Tweek, stay by the door
and keep a look out. If you see anybody
coming, say the code word: Hammertime.
Hammertime? Can't the code word just
be... "lookout"? I won't remember "Hammertime"!
Ugh. Just remember the song "Can't
Touch This" and you'll remember the
There's nothing here!
Dude, it's probably in her stomach.
Is it her?
Yeah, it's Ms. Choksondik alright.
What do we do now?
Just reach in there and get the seamen
out of her stomach! Oh, God! You guys
are such pussies! Hemmm...
Erm! Hff. You gu-guys! Ha... Hamme-
I can't remember uh-the code word!
Do you see the sea people.
No, just a bunch of goo.
You guys! Um, dum dumdumdum, dumdum,
dumdum. Can't touch this. Dum dumdumdum,
dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this.
Ms. Choksondik stinks inside.
...dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this.
Dum dumdumdum, dumdum, then stop. HAMMERTIME!
Yeah, well, at least we got Shannon
Alright, let's just leave the semen
sample next to the corpse; I wanna run
a hair fiber test next.
Hey, do you smell children?
No, that's not...
[Butters house, later that night. Butters presents plan #127-C]
Bring the World Cup to South Park so
the... a huge soccer riot can destroy
Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!
Take all the beer cans in South Park
and have them shaken up in a huge mixer
at the paint store so that-
Episode 9F17 entitled "So It's Come
Fine! Then maybe I'll just forget about
destroying the town and just run away
and join the circus!
...Simpsons did it.
[Cartman's house, later. In his room he takes the semen sample
and pours it into his tank, tapping the rim of the tank so the
semen can start moving. The semen slides into the tank and puts
the lid back on]
There. We just put the sea people back
in the tank with the others, and nobody
will ever know. The blood is washed
neatly from our hands.
Alright, children, I got you four tickets
to Thailand and three hundred dollars
cash . It's gonna be tough living for
a while. You might have to do things
for money you never thought of doin'
It's alright, Chef! We got our sea
people out of the teacher's stomach.and
we put them back in their aquarium!
...Wait, what? Sea people?
The sea people that we put in the teacher's
Uhh, maybe you'd better start from the
[Forty-three seconds later...]
...and then we put them back in the
Oohhh, children, you misunderstood.
Sea people is different from se-men.
Yes! That stuff that was in that vial
didn't come from you, it came from someone
else. I thought you children took turns
rapin' and then murdered the teacher.
Well if they found somebody else's sea
men in her stomach, maybe they'll find
our sea people, too.
Relax, children, junk that's in brine
can't kill you. Your teacher must have
died from something else.
Egh! I'm so relieved. Gaah-ah-ah!
Alright. You children have had a long
night. Why don't we all get some rest
and on Monday, I'll sing you a song
explainin' the difference between semen
and sea people. Come on, children.
I'll walk you all home.
Okay. Goodnight, Cartman.
I'm so glad we're not murderers.
Ah, so great that everything is finally
back to normal.
[South Park, next day. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek stand at the bus
station waiting for the bus.]
H'you guys! Come quick! You won't
Oh no, what now?
[Cartman's house, later. He leads them to his room, to the tank]
Those sea men from the teacher's stomach
somehow combined with the remaining
sea people we had left in the tank and,
ah, well LOOK!
Wow. How did that happen?
I've been up for hours doing some calculations,
and I've come up with my final theory
of composite dynamics. Sea people plus
sea men equals sea ciety.
They've already accomplished so much.
They're like, bacteria. Small organisms
live much faster lives and do things
at a much faster rate.
That's right, Tweek. And if my theory
is correct, all we need to get is more
of the two reacting agents, and we can
really see them flourish. Tweek!
You go and send away for mre sea people
from the magazine ad! Get at least five
gallons of them here stat! Stan and
Kyle, you go find a bigger fish tank
to them all in.
Well what are you gonna do?
Me? I'm gonna go out on the town and
find ten gallons of sea men.
[Dougie's room, day. Butters and Dougie are in costume. Between
them is a contraption under a white sheet]
I've done it, General Disarray. I've
watches all one hundred and thirty-two
episodes of the Simpsons, twice. And
I've finally come up with something...
tha they have never done! Uh, behold!
This device that I have made will take
the cherries out of chocolate-covered
cherries and replace the inside instead,
with two-month-old mayonnaise. People
will think that they are gonna get a
bite of a sweet, delicious cherry, but,
instead, they'll get a mouth full of
yuckies, and sticky mayonnaise. Hey!
You've never ...seen this on the Simpsons,
No, I think the Simpsons would be more
clever than that.
Good! Then l-let us take my machine
outside and make society finally pay
for sh-shunning us!
Tonight on the Simpsons: It's a laughorama
when Bart builds a machine that takes
cherries out of chocolate-covered cherries
and replace them instead, with mayonnaise.
Nnno , uh no, no, it can't be.
Uh oh, Simpsons did it! Simpsons did
Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!
Don't have a cow, man.
Oh sweet Jesus!
[Sperm Bank of South Park, day. Cartman hums as he approaches
the door. He enters and walks down the hall. The tellers follow
him with their eyes.]
Can I help you?
Yes, my mommy told me this is where
I could find some sea men?
Your... mom told you?
Do you have them or not?
We... sell semen, yes, but not normally
What's your name?
Frances, let's talk. I don't want a
bunch of bullcrap from you and you don't
a bunch of bullcrap from me, right?
Where does that get us? Nowhere. The
truth is, I'm completely certified to
handle sea men, and though I may appear
young, I'm one of the leading sea men
authorities of the Midwest. Up and comer,
you know what I'm saying? I'll have
my own business soon and I'll need people
to run it. I'm talkin' about you, Frances.
And I'm talkin' about a six-figure income.
How does that sound?
Everything we supply here is by a quarter-ounce.
One donor, certified, on record.
I see, very interesting.
What are you doing?
Takin' a look here. Seems like quality
stuff you got here, Frances. Yeah, good
texture, nice consistency. Sea men must
be alive and healthy in there. I'll
Www-we don't have that much here.
Damint! Give me all you've got, then!
[South Park, in town. Butters runs from Dougie, who chases after
Aaah! Ah, Ah, Aaah! Nooo! Nooo!
Simpsons did it!! Simpsons did it!!
Waaaah! Hay! Uh let me on! Let me on!
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!
Butters, have you seen Mr. Hat?
Hello there, children!
...What the hell's wrong with him?
[Cartman's room, later. Stan looks at the aquarium and sees the
civilization has developed further. Pyramids now appear. The
sound of running water is in the background. Cut to Kyle filling
a larger tank with a water hose.]
Look, the sea people have evolved to
an Egyptian-like culture.
Soon they'll discover frozen food. Goh-ho.
That should be enough water, Kyle.
You got the new sea-people packets,
Well, drop them in!
And I've got the sea men.
Wow. That's a lot of sea men you've
got there, Cartman.
Yeah, I bought all that I could at this
bank, and then I got the rest from this
guy Ralph in an alley.
Yeah, and the sweet thing is, this stupid
asshole didn't even charge me money
for it. He just made me close my eyes
and suck it out of a hose. Heh. There
Okay, now let's put the sea ciety in
its new home.
Nothin' to do now but wait.
...Close your eyes and suck it out of
Uh-huh, suck it out of a hose, yeah.
[Cartman's house, next day. He's asleep, but begins to stir.
His eyes open and he grins at what he sees. He hops off the bed
and rushes to the tank. He looks here and there and finds a more
advanced civilization in the tank.]
Oh my God! The tiny underwater civilization
has advanced hundreds of years. Look!
There's a library! A-and a temple! And
a- woh-? Oh. They think I'm God. Yes!!!
I am god of the sea people!!! You hear
that?! I am god of the sea people!!!
I am master of their great sunken empire!!!
Mo-o-om! I'm god of the sea people!
That's nice, poopie.
[Butters' house, day. He's sitting in the living room, which
now takes the appearance of the Simpson living room]
And in other South Park News, elementay
school teacher Ms. Choksondik's autopsy
has shown that the semen in her stomach
belongs to school counselor, Mr. Mackey.
However, the semen apparently did NOT
contribute to the death, and so Mr.
Mackey's identity is to remain anonymous.
Hey, what are you doing, man? Cartman
says he has something really cool to
show everybody. You've gotta come.
[Cartman's house, whick now looks like a typical Springfield
house, day. In Cartman's room, everyone but Butters is shown
Simpsons-style. Present are Chef, Mr. Garrison, Liane, Tweek,
Timmy, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Dougie, and Butters. Cartman displays
his new sea ciety]
Behold! You all see my tiny minions
groveling at my likeness! I am Eric
Hey. We paid for the sea people too.
How come they're not making statues
Be you not jealous, Jew. I am creator
of all things, yea.
That is very impressive, Eric. What
do you intend to do with your underwater
I'm gonna send a message to my people
and tell 'em to develop a great machine
that will shrink me down to their size,
so I can live amongst them forever.
Aha! Ahaha! Ahahahaha!
What the hell is wrong with you, Butters?
They did that on the Simpsons! Ha! Treehouse
of Horror! Episode 4F02! The Genesis
tub. Lisa loses a tooth, and the bacteria
on it start to grow, and makes a little
society, and they build a statue of
her thinking she's God! Ha! Hahaha!
Dude, the Simpsons have done everything
already. Who cares?
Yeah, and they've been on the air for
like, thirteen years. Of course they've
Every idea's been done, Butters, even
before the Simpsons.
Yeah. In fact, that episode was a rip-off
of a Twilight Zone episode.
Really? So I shouldn't care if I come
up with an idea, and the Simpsons already
did it. It... uh...doesn't... matter.
Everything is back to normal, a, I
think... I think I can go back to tryin'
to destroy the world again.
Good for you!
Yeah, that's great Butters. Now get
the hell out of my room.
I feel like a spring chicken. I'm ready
to wreak havoc once again!
Hey, look everybody! The other side
of the aquarium is building another
Hey! It's Tweek.
Me?? Aw, man! I don't wanna be a god.
That is waaay too much pressure.
That is bullcrap! You'd better stop
worshiping him, sea people!
What's going on now?
The sea people from Cartman's side are
suicide-bombing the buildings on Tweek's
NOW what's happening?
The sea people on Tweek's side just
suicide-bombed the Cartman statue.
Oh no! Oh the humanity!
Well it was a nice project while it
Yep. But I guess this proves that war
is the natural order of life.
Why can't societies just live in peace?