"SOMETHING WALL-MART THIS WAY COMES"
[South Park, day. A lovely tree appears and the camera pans down
to street level. Stan and friends are on the sidewalk across
the street moving along.]
You guys know what? Um, the last thing
you do when you die, is crap your pants.
Yeah, when you die, your jowels release
and crap comes flying out your ass.
That is fucking stupid, Cartman!
Oh yeah?! I'll bet you five bucks that
when you die you crap your pants, asshole!
Hey everybody, it's time! It's time!
It's time. Oh, it's time? It's happening.
It's happening now? Let's go!
It's time for what?
Get down to Metzger's Field! It's about
[Metzger's Field, later. A man is speaking to the crowd gathered
People of South Park I am pleased to
be with you on this most historic day.
A day you were certainly all remember...
as the day your town... became great.
The grand opening of the first South
Look at it, honey. It's so big.
It's like we're a real town now.
Hey! Isn't there where Stark's Pond
used to be? Where we used to kayak and
Yeah! Now it's a Wall*Mart!
I know that with the opening of the
South Park branch of Wall*Mart, you
will all see your town completely change...
Now, shop friends. Shop!
Welcome to Wall*Mart. Welcome to Wall*Mart.
...Welcome to Wall*Mart.
Sharon, isn't that your father?
Yes. Wall*Mart is the leading employer
of seniors. And they also employ the
Hello, Mrs. M-marsh. Can I help g...
Can I help you get a sh- shopping cart
Why yes I'd love one, Jimmy.
My God. Look at all these incedible
Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD.
Three copies for eighteen bucks!
Why the hell would you want three copies
of the same movie?
Because one copy is nine ninety-eight!
But this way you save like twenty bucks!
You only need one copy, artard!
Okay, fine, dumbass, YOU go ahead and
buy one copy for nine ninety-eight!
Okay, fine, I will! Huh, wait a minute!
I don't even want ONE copy of Time Cop!
Dude, you can't shop for crap.
I can't believe these bargains.
Fools. Ignorant fools.
[The Marsh house, night. The living room has been redecorated
with items got from Wall*Mart. The family is enjoying snacks
in fancy plasticware]
Just look at the Marsh family, huh?
Brand-new television, new plastic dishware
and cups, and enough bulk-buy ramen
to last us a thousand winters.
Dad, how come Wall*Mart is able to sell
everything so cheap?
It's simple economics, son. I don't
understand it at all, but, God I love
[The Marsh house, later. The house is asleep; Randy is dreaming,
and reacting to his dreams.]
six nienty-nine, fifteen dollars, etc.
Randy, what are you doing?
Anu-nothing! I'ma I'ma, I'm just gonna
head down to the Wall*Mart real quick.
It's almost midnight.
Yeah, think about it. If I go there
now, there won't be anybody else there.
I can all the bargains to myself!
[Wall*Mart, midnight. Randy enters dressed in pajamas and robe,
only to find more shoppers in there. Wall*Mart never closes,
and it's never empty. An elderly lady greets him]
Thanks for coming to Wall*Mart. All
are welcome. All are welcome!
[Next morning, the boys are on a sidewalk heading towards downtown]
Excuse me! Hello! Can somebody tell
my why we're going to Jim's Drugs to
buy Voltar cards when Wall*Mart has
them for three bucks cheaper?
Dude, I can't deal with Wall*Mart right
now. My parents had me there for three
hours last night.
Oh, sorry boys. I'm going out of business.
Why, Mr. Farkle?
I can't compete with Wall*Mart's low
prices. Everyone is shopping there now,
and... well, I can make ends meet.
I've got to sell the store and try to
find another line of work.
Cartman, stop it!
What? I just felt like playing a little
I appreciate your business, boys, but
you'll have to try somewhere else in
See? That sucks, dude!
That's called progress, Kyle.
Yeah, but what about all the people
getting laid off from the grocery stores?
And what about all the-
... Whatever. I can go get another one
at Wall*Mart. It was only five bucks.
Come on, let's go to Main Street and
support one of those stores.
[Downtown, later. The boys arrive at Main Street and are startled]
What the hell?
Butters? Uh what the hell are you doing?
Wull ah I'm just playin' Monster. It's
kinda spooky out here.
Dude, we gotta show our parents what
Wall*Mart is doing to our town.
[The Marsh house, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter to find
a house stuffed with Wall*Mart items.]
Dad? Jesus Christ, Dad. Dad??
Dad, oh my God!
What? D-dad, are are you dying?
No, I'm just... really really tired.
I... was shopping at Wall*Mart all night.
But you-your face!
Checkout line... They had these... little
stickers filled with glitter! They were
only ninety nine cents for 15 of them.
I couldn't resist! Do you want one?
Here. It's a little turtle.
[Wall*Mart, later. Shopping continues as usual. In his office,
the official, now store manager, reaches into his desk drawer
and pulls out a bottle of liquor. He takes two sips and quickly
hides it when he hears a knock at his door]
Come in? Oh hello, fine shoppers.
Sir, we just had a big town meeting,
and decided we don't want your Wall*Mart
We're sorry, but it seems our Main Street
is dying and good people are losing
their jobs. We'd all like you... out
of South Park.
Well What? What, you think I want to
be here? I hate this place. But it...
won't let me leave.
But you run the Wall*Mart.
Oh you're wrong! Wall*Mart... isn't
run by anybody! First it reels you in
with its bargains. Next thing you know
you, you're workingbe at the Wall*Mart
because it has all the jobs. Then you're
sitting in a little office, trapped
on all sides.
They why don't you just quit?!
Not so loud! It can hear you.
You hate Wall*Mart too?
ACK! I didn't say that! I love Wall*Mart!
With all its... fantastic bargains and
one-stop shopping, who can't love it,
right? Uh, Wa-Wall*Mart takes the hassle
out of shopping and, and makes it both
affordable and fun. Ah- and Wall*Mart
really gives back to the community!
Us people are certainly happy to have
a store like Wall*Mart, aren't we?
Hey, wait a minute, I think we just
Yeah. That guy probably thinks he can
get us to go away by being so goofy!
Ha! You owe me five bucks, Kyle!
[The Marsh house, night. The family is at table waiting for dinner.
Sharon walks in with ]
Here we go, everyone. I got three nice
steaks from South Park Grocery. We'll
have to share them.
Eh, I remember when we could afford
to buy six steaks when we shopped at
Yeah, but Dad, the whole town agreed
not to shop at Wall*Mart anymore.
I know, I KNOW! GOD!! BLEHH!
Mom, Dad, when people die, do they always
Oh, you stupid turd!
Oh Jesus, a broken glass! Well, I don't
see any choice now! We have to go to
Huh! Where else are we gonna get a new
glass at this hour?! Everyone get your
shoes on, we're goin' to Wall*Mart!
But Dad, we're not supposed to shop
Stan! One family buying one glass isn't
gonna make a difference!
[Wall*Mart, night. The Marsh family arrives and sees what Randy
Hey... Gerald, what are you doing?!
We said we weren't going to shop at
the Wall*Mart anymore!
Well where else was I gonna get a napkin
dispenser at nine thirty at night?
Mr. Garrison! Chef! Jimbo! Now, come
on people! What the hell is wrong with
you?! Don't you see what you're all
Well what are you doing here, Randy?
I came because I wanted to make sure
nobody was shopping here.
Oh all right, em maybe I was gonna buy
a glass. One glass! ... And some chips...
And butter. And some new pliers.
Jesus! Look at us! We all don't like
the Wall*Mart, but we can't stop coming
It's like some mystical evil force.
Yeah. This place has a power over us
we can't resist! We have to find a way
to put the South Park Wall*Mart out
of business once and for all!
Let's burn it down!
No no no! Let's freeze it!
I think it's best we try to reason with
No! All we have to do is not shop at
Wall*Mart anymore! If you want it to
go away, all it takes is a little self-control
and personal responsibility.
[Outside, later. The Wall*Mart is on fire and the shoppers are
watching it burn]
Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya.
Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya,
[Sidewalk, next day. The boys are walking along]
You butthole, Kyle. You just had to
go and ruin everything, didn't you?
It wasn't my idea to burn the Wall*Mart
No, but YOU got everyone all worked
up! You're jealous of the Wall*Mart.
You always hated it.
Dude, our town is going to be better
without the- What the?
How... How did this happen? Mom, Dad?
Why are you shopping here?
We can't destroy it, son. We have to
learn to live with it.
Can I help you?
Dad, what are you doing?!
You get a discount working here. Ten
percent. That means the bargains are
Dad, you're a geologist!
I'll make less money, sure, but... as
long as I buy everything at Wall-Mart,
it'll all even out. Don't you see? Wall*Mart
isn't our enemy, it's our neighborhood
[Outside. The boys walk away from Wall*Mart and see a driver
lifting I-beams into place with his crane]
Hey! Hey! Who the hell told you to
put this thing back up?!
Sorry kid, we've got orders from corporate
But nobody wants a Wall*Mart here!
You're gonna have to talk to the higher-ups.
Where are they?
Bentonville, Arkansas. That's where
Wall*Mart started, that's where all
the bigwigs are.
Looks like we're gonna have to go to
Arkansas. Come on, guys. We're gonna
put a stop to Wall*Mart once and for
Whoa, Pixie Sticks, twenty-nine cents?
Wall*Mart? ...Are you speaking to me?
...My friends? ...Trying to hurt you
again? Yes, Wall*Mart. I understand.
[Coyote Lines, night. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are at the ticket
Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas,
Wait guys! Hold on! I wanna go with
you and help out.
No way! You wanna go with us so you
can betray us at some point and keep
us from destroying the Wall*Mart.
Yeah huh! You wanna go with us so that
later you go, "Haha, I was working for
Wall*Mart all along" or something.
I AM NOT, Kyle!
Dude, just let him come. The bus is
about to leave.
All right, fine. Come on, fatass!
Haha. You fools have no idea that I
wuold never let you hurt the Wall*Mart.
I heard that!
You heard what?
You said we have no idea that you're
never let us hurt Wall*Mart!
That's not what I said!
Dude, come on!
He is working for the Wall*Mart to stup
us from succeeding!
Dude, we have to go!
Well hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!
Hehe. You stupid fools have no idea
that I'm actually working for the Wall*Mart
to stup you from succeeding!
Welcome to Bentonville, Home of Wall*Mart
[A bus pulls up to the store's headquarters and lets the four
Goddamn that took a long time.
It would've been faster if Cartman hadn't
slashed the tires!
I did not! I wanna close Wall*Mart
just as much as you guys do!
[Corporate Headquarters, inside. A cavernous warehouse opens
up before them, with busy workers, and a receptionist greets
Can I help you?
Yeah. We've come to complain. We don't
want a Wall*Mart in our town.
Who does? Nobody likes what the Wall*Mart
does, but it keeps... right on doing
We want to talk to who's in charge.
In charge? I guess that would be Harvey
Brown. He's the current president of
Wall*Mart. One of the original creators.
[An ashtray. A hand rubs spent cigarette butts into it. The camera
pulls out to reveal the president and the boys, and lots of empty
glasses of liquor.]
We... invented the Wall*Mart Super Center
in 1987. The idea was simple: build
a store for one-stop shopping where
bulk purchases could keep prices incredibly
low. We didn't know what we were doing.
In just four years, it was out of control.
So how do we stop it?
You don't stop it.
There has to be a way!
There's nothing! Don't you understand?!
Nothing can stop the Wall*Mart in your
town! ...Unless...of course, you can
find and destroy its heart.
The heart of Wall*Mart?
Sir, don't you think you're talking
a little too much?
Every Wall*Mart has a heart, somewhere
near the television department. Destroy
the heart and you could reverse the
You speak too much, sir!
Why don't you guys just destroy the
Because the Wall*Mart stops you. Many
have tried, kid. Union leaders, nature
activists, even the best fair-trade
lawyers tried to stop the Wall*Mart
and now? They are Wall*Mart shoppers
All right. Come on you guys, we have
to get back home.
It won't work, don't you understand?!
It isn't gonna stop until there's nothing
but Wall*Mart left! Jesus, what did
we do?? WHAT DID WE DO?? Boys! Tell
the world... Im sorry!
No, dude, don't!
That's ten bucks you owe me, dickface!
[A stormy night in front of Wall*Mart. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny
arrive dressed in camouflage.]
All right, this is it! If Wall*Mart
has a heart, we have to find it and
destroy it! No matter what the Wall*Mart
does to try to stop us, we have to be
strong! Let's do it.
I'm afraid not, Kyle! Wall*Mart is
a great store! I could not let you fools
ruin its terrific bargains! You see,
I was working for Wall*Mart all along!
I knew you were!
No you didn't.
Yes I did! I said from the beginning
that you would do this!
No you didn't.
Yes I did!!
No you didn't.
Yes I did!!
No you didn't.
Yes I did!!
No you didn't.
Yes I did!!
... You see, Kyle, it was me who slashed
-slashed the bus tires in Arkansas!
I said so! I told you the minute that
I- -and I told you that-
I can't hear you! Lalalalalala! I'm
sorry, boys. but if you want to hurt
the Wall*Mart, you'll have to go through
We don't have time for this! Kenny,
keep him away from us!
Very well, Kenny! Let us battle! No,
Kenny. Kenny! Knock it off.
[Stan and Kyle enter the store and walk past the greeterm Marvin
Welcome to Wall*Mart.
Save it, Grandpa!
We've gotta find the television department.
Boys, these axes are only four ninety-nine.
Dad, we know how to destroy the Wall*Mart.
Shhhhh! What are you talking about?
One of the creators told us. You have
to take your keys over to the television
Television department... All right,
come on, let's go! Oh my God!
Those two-dollar salt-and-pepper shakers!
They were three dollars five minutes
ago! The Wall*Mart is lowering its prices
trying to stop us!
Come on, we've got to try to make it
to the back!
Gaaahh! Don't look! Don't look at its
I think I see the television department
in the back!
Is that the right way, Dad? Dad?? Dad!
The screwdrivier set is only nine ninety-eight!
Come on, Dad!
I can't make it, boys! You're gonna
have to go on without me!
No, dad! We need your keys!
This bargain is too great for me! I'm
gonna have to buy these! Here! Take
the keys and go on! The television
department is near the back! Next to
the cell phones! Go! Hurry! I'm gonna
go buy these screwdrivers!
There! The television department!
[The television department. The wall is lined with TVs of all
sizes. A hand appears and presses a button, and all the TVs turn
on, showing the boys on screen. The camera pans over to the two
boys, who are looking at a man dressed in white.]
Hello, boys. Congratulations on getting
Who are you?
I am... Wall*Mart.
I've taken this form in order to talk
to you. But I can take many forms.
Does this suit you better? Or perhaps
you prefer this form? I can take whichever
form I like.
We don't want your store in our town;
we come to destroy you.
Where's the heart?
To find the heart of Wall*Mart, one
must first ask oneself, "Who is it that
asked the question?"
Mr. I'm asking the question.
Ah, yes, but who are you?
Stan Marsh. Now, where's the heart?
Ah. You know the answer, but not the
The question is, "Where is the heart?"
Very well. You want to see the heart
of Wall*Mart? It lies beyond that plasna-screen
It's a mirror.
Yes, don't you see? That is the heart
of Wall*Mart. You, the consumer. I take
may forms: Wall*Mart, Kay*Mart, Target,
but I am one single entity: Desire!
Well, the guy in Arkansas said to destroy
Gaaah! NO! NO, what have you done??
Now you shall see my true form! Now
you see me as I truly am!
We'd better get out of here.
Get out! It's gonna blow!
Hey, come on! We've gotta get out!
Too late for me, son! I have to buy
The Wall*Mart is exploding! Everybody
[Outside on the parking lot, night. The building begins to collapse
as everyone gathers in the parking lot. The building implodes
into a shining blue dot, then reappears as crap, which falls
to the ground where the Wall*Mart once stood. Cartman looks on
in astonishment, then cracks up and walks away]
Boys, you did it! You killed the Wall*Mart!
How did you do it, Kyle?
All Wall*Marts start a self-destruction
sequence if you break a mirror in the
We know how to destroy it now. Spread
the word to all the towns!
Wait. I think I understand the symbolism
of the mirror. The Wall*Mart... is us.
You see boys, if we like our small-town
charm more than the big corporate bullies,
we all have to be willing to... pay
a little bit more. Do you understand?
Yeah! Let's all go shop at Jim's Drugs
down the street!
[Jim's Drugs, later. He reopens for business and the crowd flocks
to his store. Later, the small store is replaced by a larger
two-story building, which in turn is replaced by a huge building
reminiscent of the departed Wall*Mart, which in turn leads to
Jim's Drugs' demise by fire]
...Oh Lord, Kumbaya.
All right, let's not make that mistake
Yeah, lets all shop over at Tru-Value!
Let's go! Yeah!