"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 809
"SOMETHING WALL-MART THIS WAY COMES"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, day. A lovely tree appears and the camera pans down
to street level. Stan and friends are on the sidewalk across
the street moving along.]
CARTMAN
You guys know what? Um, the last thing
you do when you die, is crap your pants.
STAN
...What?
CARTMAN
Yeah, when you die, your jowels release
and crap comes flying out your ass.
KYLE
That is fucking stupid, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Oh yeah?! I'll bet you five bucks that
when you die you crap your pants, asshole!
MR. GARRISON
Hey everybody, it's time! It's time!
TOWNSFOLK
It's time. Oh, it's time? It's happening.
It's happening now? Let's go!
STAN
It's time for what?
MR. GARRISON
Get down to Metzger's Field! It's about
to happen!
[Metzger's Field, later. A man is speaking to the crowd gathered
there.]
OFFICIAL
People of South Park I am pleased to
be with you on this most historic day.
A day you were certainly all remember...
as the day your town... became great.
The grand opening of the first South
Park... WALL*MART!
RANDY
Look at it, honey. It's so big.
MR. GARRISON
It's like we're a real town now.
CARTMAN
Whoa, awesome!
KYLE
Hey! Isn't there where Stark's Pond
used to be? Where we used to kayak and
fish?
MAN
Yeah! Now it's a Wall*Mart!
OFFICIAL
I know that with the opening of the
South Park branch of Wall*Mart, you
will all see your town completely change...
Now, shop friends. Shop!
RANDY
It's beautiful!
GRAMPA MARSH
Welcome to Wall*Mart. Welcome to Wall*Mart.
...Welcome to Wall*Mart.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Sharon, isn't that your father?
SHARON
Yes. Wall*Mart is the leading employer
of seniors. And they also employ the
handicapped.
JIMMY
Hello, Mrs. M-marsh. Can I help g...
Can I help you get a sh- shopping cart
today?
SHARON
Why yes I'd love one, Jimmy.
CHEF
My God. Look at all these incedible
bargains.
CARTMAN
Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD.
Three copies for eighteen bucks!
KYLE
Why the hell would you want three copies
of the same movie?
CARTMAN
Because one copy is nine ninety-eight!
But this way you save like twenty bucks!
KYLE
You only need one copy, artard!
CARTMAN
Okay, fine, dumbass, YOU go ahead and
buy one copy for nine ninety-eight!
KYLE
Okay, fine, I will! Huh, wait a minute!
I don't even want ONE copy of Time Cop!
CARTMAN
Dude, you can't shop for crap.
WOMAN 1
I can't believe these bargains.
OFFICIAL
Fools. Ignorant fools.
[The Marsh house, night. The living room has been redecorated
with items got from Wall*Mart. The family is enjoying snacks
in fancy plasticware]
RANDY
Just look at the Marsh family, huh?
Brand-new television, new plastic dishware
and cups, and enough bulk-buy ramen
to last us a thousand winters.
STAN
Dad, how come Wall*Mart is able to sell
everything so cheap?
RANDY
It's simple economics, son. I don't
understand it at all, but, God I love
it.
[The Marsh house, later. The house is asleep; Randy is dreaming,
and reacting to his dreams.]
WHISPERS
six nienty-nine, fifteen dollars, etc.
RANDY
AAAH! Yeaaah...
SHARON
Randy, what are you doing?
RANDY
Anu-nothing! I'ma I'ma, I'm just gonna
head down to the Wall*Mart real quick.
SHARON
It's almost midnight.
RANDY
Yeah, think about it. If I go there
now, there won't be anybody else there.
I can all the bargains to myself!
[Wall*Mart, midnight. Randy enters dressed in pajamas and robe,
only to find more shoppers in there. Wall*Mart never closes,
and it's never empty. An elderly lady greets him]
ELDERLY WOMAN
Thanks for coming to Wall*Mart. All
are welcome. All are welcome!
[Next morning, the boys are on a sidewalk heading towards downtown]
CARTMAN
Excuse me! Hello! Can somebody tell
my why we're going to Jim's Drugs to
buy Voltar cards when Wall*Mart has
them for three bucks cheaper?
KYLE
Dude, I can't deal with Wall*Mart right
now. My parents had me there for three
hours last night.
JIM
Oh, sorry boys. I'm going out of business.
KYLE
Why, Mr. Farkle?
MR. FARKLE
I can't compete with Wall*Mart's low
prices. Everyone is shopping there now,
and... well, I can make ends meet.
I've got to sell the store and try to
find another line of work.
KYLE
Cartman, stop it!
CARTMAN
What? I just felt like playing a little
violin, Kyle.
MR. FARKLE
I appreciate your business, boys, but
you'll have to try somewhere else in
town.
KYLE
See? That sucks, dude!
CARTMAN
That's called progress, Kyle.
KYLE
Yeah, but what about all the people
getting laid off from the grocery stores?
And what about all the-
CARTMAN
... Whatever. I can go get another one
at Wall*Mart. It was only five bucks.
STAN
Come on, let's go to Main Street and
support one of those stores.
[Downtown, later. The boys arrive at Main Street and are startled]
KYLE
What the hell?
STAN
Butters?
KYLE
Butters? Uh what the hell are you doing?
BUTTERS
Wull ah I'm just playin' Monster. It's
kinda spooky out here.
STAN
Dude, we gotta show our parents what
Wall*Mart is doing to our town.
[The Marsh house, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter to find
a house stuffed with Wall*Mart items.]
STAN
Dad? Jesus Christ, Dad. Dad??
RANDY
So-o-o-o-on?
STAN
Dad, oh my God!
RANDY
Son...
STAN
What? D-dad, are are you dying?
RANDY
No, I'm just... really really tired.
I... was shopping at Wall*Mart all night.
STAN
But you-your face!
RANDY
Checkout line... They had these... little
stickers filled with glitter! They were
only ninety nine cents for 15 of them.
I couldn't resist! Do you want one?
Here. It's a little turtle.
[Wall*Mart, later. Shopping continues as usual. In his office,
the official, now store manager, reaches into his desk drawer
and pulls out a bottle of liquor. He takes two sips and quickly
hides it when he hears a knock at his door]
MANAGER
Come in? Oh hello, fine shoppers.
CHEF
Sir, we just had a big town meeting,
and decided we don't want your Wall*Mart
here anymore.
RANDY
We're sorry, but it seems our Main Street
is dying and good people are losing
their jobs. We'd all like you... out
of South Park.
MANAGER
Well What? What, you think I want to
be here? I hate this place. But it...
won't let me leave.
KYLE
But you run the Wall*Mart.
MANAGER
Oh you're wrong! Wall*Mart... isn't
run by anybody! First it reels you in
with its bargains. Next thing you know
you, you're workingbe at the Wall*Mart
because it has all the jobs. Then you're
sitting in a little office, trapped
on all sides.
CHEF
They why don't you just quit?!
MANAGER
Not so loud! It can hear you.
KYLE
You hate Wall*Mart too?
MANAGER
ACK! I didn't say that! I love Wall*Mart!
With all its... fantastic bargains and
one-stop shopping, who can't love it,
right? Uh, Wa-Wall*Mart takes the hassle
out of shopping and, and makes it both
affordable and fun. Ah- and Wall*Mart
really gives back to the community!
Us people are certainly happy to have
a store like Wall*Mart, aren't we?
RANDY
Hey, wait a minute, I think we just
got squirreled.
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah. That guy probably thinks he can
get us to go away by being so goofy!
CARTMAN
Ha! You owe me five bucks, Kyle!
[The Marsh house, night. The family is at table waiting for dinner.
Sharon walks in with ]
SHARON
Here we go, everyone. I got three nice
steaks from South Park Grocery. We'll
have to share them.
RANDY
Eh, I remember when we could afford
to buy six steaks when we shopped at
Wall*Mart.
STAN
Yeah, but Dad, the whole town agreed
not to shop at Wall*Mart anymore.
RANDY
I know, I KNOW! GOD!! BLEHH!
STAN
Mom, Dad, when people die, do they always
crap their-
SHELLEY
Oh, you stupid turd!
RANDY
Oh Jesus, a broken glass! Well, I don't
see any choice now! We have to go to
Wall*Mart!
SHARON
We do?
RANDY
Huh! Where else are we gonna get a new
glass at this hour?! Everyone get your
shoes on, we're goin' to Wall*Mart!
STAN
But Dad, we're not supposed to shop
at-
RANDY
Stan! One family buying one glass isn't
gonna make a difference!
[Wall*Mart, night. The Marsh family arrives and sees what Randy
saw before]
RANDY
Hey... Gerald, what are you doing?!
We said we weren't going to shop at
the Wall*Mart anymore!
KYLE'S FATHER
Well where else was I gonna get a napkin
dispenser at nine thirty at night?
RANDY
Mr. Garrison! Chef! Jimbo! Now, come
on people! What the hell is wrong with
you?! Don't you see what you're all
doing?!
MR. GARRISON
Well what are you doing here, Randy?
RANDY
I came because I wanted to make sure
nobody was shopping here.
STAN
Dad!
RANDY
Oh all right, em maybe I was gonna buy
a glass. One glass! ... And some chips...
And butter. And some new pliers.
KYLE'S FATHER
Jesus! Look at us! We all don't like
the Wall*Mart, but we can't stop coming
here.
JIMBO
It's like some mystical evil force.
RANDY
Yeah. This place has a power over us
we can't resist! We have to find a way
to put the South Park Wall*Mart out
of business once and for all!
MR. GARRISON
Let's burn it down!
CHEF
No no no! Let's freeze it!
STEPHEN
I think it's best we try to reason with
it.
KYLE
No! All we have to do is not shop at
Wall*Mart anymore! If you want it to
go away, all it takes is a little self-control
and personal responsibility.
[Outside, later. The Wall*Mart is on fire and the shoppers are
watching it burn]
RANDY
Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya.
ALL
Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya,
my Lord...
[Sidewalk, next day. The boys are walking along]
CARTMAN
You butthole, Kyle. You just had to
go and ruin everything, didn't you?
KYLE
It wasn't my idea to burn the Wall*Mart
down.
CARTMAN
No, but YOU got everyone all worked
up! You're jealous of the Wall*Mart.
You always hated it.
KYLE
Dude, our town is going to be better
without the- What the?
CARTMAN
Oh, awesome!
KYLE
How... How did this happen? Mom, Dad?
Why are you shopping here?
KYLE'S FATHER
We can't destroy it, son. We have to
learn to live with it.
A MAN
Can I help you?
STAN
Dad, what are you doing?!
RANDY
You get a discount working here. Ten
percent. That means the bargains are
even better.
STAN
Dad, you're a geologist!
RANDY
I'll make less money, sure, but... as
long as I buy everything at Wall-Mart,
it'll all even out. Don't you see? Wall*Mart
isn't our enemy, it's our neighborhood
friend.
[Outside. The boys walk away from Wall*Mart and see a driver
lifting I-beams into place with his crane]
KYLE
Hey! Hey! Who the hell told you to
put this thing back up?!
DRIVER
Sorry kid, we've got orders from corporate
headquarters.
KYLE
But nobody wants a Wall*Mart here!
DRIVER
You're gonna have to talk to the higher-ups.
STAN
Where are they?
DRIVER
Bentonville, Arkansas. That's where
Wall*Mart started, that's where all
the bigwigs are.
KYLE
Looks like we're gonna have to go to
Arkansas. Come on, guys. We're gonna
put a stop to Wall*Mart once and for
all!
CARTMAN
Whoa, Pixie Sticks, twenty-nine cents?
Wall*Mart? ...Are you speaking to me?
...My friends? ...Trying to hurt you
again? Yes, Wall*Mart. I understand.
[Coyote Lines, night. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are at the ticket
booth]
STAN
Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas,
please.
CARTMAN
Wait guys! Hold on! I wanna go with
you and help out.
KYLE
No way! You wanna go with us so you
can betray us at some point and keep
us from destroying the Wall*Mart.
CARTMAN
Nuh uh.
KYLE
Yeah huh! You wanna go with us so that
later you go, "Haha, I was working for
Wall*Mart all along" or something.
CARTMAN
I AM NOT, Kyle!
STAN
Dude, just let him come. The bus is
about to leave.
KYLE
All right, fine. Come on, fatass!
CARTMAN
Haha. You fools have no idea that I
wuold never let you hurt the Wall*Mart.
KYLE
I heard that!
CARTMAN
You heard what?
KYLE
You said we have no idea that you're
never let us hurt Wall*Mart!
CARTMAN
That's not what I said!
STAN
Dude, come on!
KYLE
He is working for the Wall*Mart to stup
us from succeeding!
STAN
Dude, we have to go!
KYLE
God-damnit!
STAN
Well hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Hehe. You stupid fools have no idea
that I'm actually working for the Wall*Mart
to stup you from succeeding!
Welcome to Bentonville, Home of Wall*Mart
[A bus pulls up to the store's headquarters and lets the four
boys off]
STAN
Goddamn that took a long time.
KYLE
It would've been faster if Cartman hadn't
slashed the tires!
CARTMAN
I did not! I wanna close Wall*Mart
just as much as you guys do!
[Corporate Headquarters, inside. A cavernous warehouse opens
up before them, with busy workers, and a receptionist greets
them]
RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?
KYLE
Yeah. We've come to complain. We don't
want a Wall*Mart in our town.
RECEPTIONIST
Who does? Nobody likes what the Wall*Mart
does, but it keeps... right on doing
it.
KYLE
We want to talk to who's in charge.
RECEPTIONIST
In charge? I guess that would be Harvey
Brown. He's the current president of
Wall*Mart. One of the original creators.
STAN
Where's he?
[An ashtray. A hand rubs spent cigarette butts into it. The camera
pulls out to reveal the president and the boys, and lots of empty
glasses of liquor.]
HARVEY BROWN
We... invented the Wall*Mart Super Center
in 1987. The idea was simple: build
a store for one-stop shopping where
bulk purchases could keep prices incredibly
low. We didn't know what we were doing.
In just four years, it was out of control.
KYLE
So how do we stop it?
HARVEY BROWN
You don't stop it.
STAN
There has to be a way!
HARVEY BROWN
There's nothing! Don't you understand?!
Nothing can stop the Wall*Mart in your
town! ...Unless...of course, you can
find and destroy its heart.
KYLE
The heart of Wall*Mart?
CARTMAN
Sir, don't you think you're talking
a little too much?
HARVEY BROWN
Every Wall*Mart has a heart, somewhere
near the television department. Destroy
the heart and you could reverse the
entire process!
CARTMAN
You speak too much, sir!
STAN
Why don't you guys just destroy the
heart?
HARVEY BROWN
Because the Wall*Mart stops you. Many
have tried, kid. Union leaders, nature
activists, even the best fair-trade
lawyers tried to stop the Wall*Mart
and now? They are Wall*Mart shoppers
all.
KYLE
All right. Come on you guys, we have
to get back home.
HARVEY BROWN
It won't work, don't you understand?!
It isn't gonna stop until there's nothing
but Wall*Mart left! Jesus, what did
we do?? WHAT DID WE DO?? Boys! Tell
the world... Im sorry!
STAN
No, dude, don't!
CARTMAN
That's ten bucks you owe me, dickface!
[A stormy night in front of Wall*Mart. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny
arrive dressed in camouflage.]
KYLE
All right, this is it! If Wall*Mart
has a heart, we have to find it and
destroy it! No matter what the Wall*Mart
does to try to stop us, we have to be
strong! Let's do it.
CARTMAN
I'm afraid not, Kyle! Wall*Mart is
a great store! I could not let you fools
ruin its terrific bargains! You see,
I was working for Wall*Mart all along!
KYLE
I knew you were!
CARTMAN
No you didn't.
KYLE
Yes I did! I said from the beginning
that you would do this!
CARTMAN
No you didn't.
KYLE
Yes I did!!
CARTMAN
No you didn't.
KYLE
Yes I did!!
CARTMAN
No you didn't.
KYLE
Yes I did!!
CARTMAN
No you didn't.
KYLE
Yes I did!!
CARTMAN
... You see, Kyle, it was me who slashed
the bu-
KYLE
-slashed the bus tires in Arkansas!
I said so! I told you the minute that
I- -and I told you that-
CARTMAN
I can't hear you! Lalalalalala! I'm
sorry, boys. but if you want to hurt
the Wall*Mart, you'll have to go through
me!
KYLE
We don't have time for this! Kenny,
keep him away from us!
CARTMAN
Very well, Kenny! Let us battle! No,
Kenny. Kenny! Knock it off.
[Stan and Kyle enter the store and walk past the greeterm Marvin
Marsh.]
GRANDPA MARSH
Welcome to Wall*Mart.
STAN
Save it, Grandpa!
KYLE
We've gotta find the television department.
RANDY
Boys, these axes are only four ninety-nine.
STAN
Dad, we know how to destroy the Wall*Mart.
RANDY
Shhhhh! What are you talking about?
STAN
One of the creators told us. You have
to take your keys over to the television
department.
RANDY
Television department... All right,
come on, let's go! Oh my God!
STAN
What?!
RANDY
Those two-dollar salt-and-pepper shakers!
They were three dollars five minutes
ago! The Wall*Mart is lowering its prices
trying to stop us!
STAN
Come on, we've got to try to make it
to the back!
RANDY
Gaaahh! Don't look! Don't look at its
bargains!
KYLE
I think I see the television department
in the back!
STAN
Is that the right way, Dad? Dad?? Dad!
RANDY
The screwdrivier set is only nine ninety-eight!
STAN
Come on, Dad!
RANDY
I can't make it, boys! You're gonna
have to go on without me!
STAN
No, dad! We need your keys!
RANDY
This bargain is too great for me! I'm
gonna have to buy these! Here! Take
the keys and go on! The television
department is near the back! Next to
the cell phones! Go! Hurry! I'm gonna
go buy these screwdrivers!
STAN
There! The television department!
[The television department. The wall is lined with TVs of all
sizes. A hand appears and presses a button, and all the TVs turn
on, showing the boys on screen. The camera pans over to the two
boys, who are looking at a man dressed in white.]
MAN
Hello, boys. Congratulations on getting
this far.
KYLE
Who are you?
MAN
I am... Wall*Mart.
STAN
You?
WALL*MART
I've taken this form in order to talk
to you. But I can take many forms.
Does this suit you better? Or perhaps
you prefer this form? I can take whichever
form I like.
STAN
We don't want your store in our town;
we come to destroy you.
KYLE
Where's the heart?
WALL*MART
To find the heart of Wall*Mart, one
must first ask oneself, "Who is it that
asked the question?"
STAN
Mr. I'm asking the question.
WALL*MART
Ah, yes, but who are you?
STAN
Stan Marsh. Now, where's the heart?
WALL*MART
Ah. You know the answer, but not the
question!
KYLE
The question is, "Where is the heart?"
WALL*MART
Very well. You want to see the heart
of Wall*Mart? It lies beyond that plasna-screen
television.
STAN
It's a mirror.
WALL*MART
Yes, don't you see? That is the heart
of Wall*Mart. You, the consumer. I take
may forms: Wall*Mart, Kay*Mart, Target,
but I am one single entity: Desire!
STAN
Well, the guy in Arkansas said to destroy
the heart.
WALL*MART
Gaaah! NO! NO, what have you done??
Now you shall see my true form! Now
you see me as I truly am!
STAN
We'd better get out of here.
CHEF
Get out! It's gonna blow!
STAN
Hey, come on! We've gotta get out!
RANDY
Too late for me, son! I have to buy
this stuff!
KYLE
The Wall*Mart is exploding! Everybody
out now!
[Outside on the parking lot, night. The building begins to collapse
as everyone gathers in the parking lot. The building implodes
into a shining blue dot, then reappears as crap, which falls
to the ground where the Wall*Mart once stood. Cartman looks on
in astonishment, then cracks up and walks away]
MR. GARRISON
Boys, you did it! You killed the Wall*Mart!
KYLE'S FATHER
How did you do it, Kyle?
KYLE
All Wall*Marts start a self-destruction
sequence if you break a mirror in the
back.
CHEF
We know how to destroy it now. Spread
the word to all the towns!
RANDY
Wait. I think I understand the symbolism
of the mirror. The Wall*Mart... is us.
KYLE
Duh.
RANDY
You see boys, if we like our small-town
charm more than the big corporate bullies,
we all have to be willing to... pay
a little bit more. Do you understand?
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah! Let's all go shop at Jim's Drugs
down the street!
[Jim's Drugs, later. He reopens for business and the crowd flocks
to his store. Later, the small store is replaced by a larger
two-story building, which in turn is replaced by a huge building
reminiscent of the departed Wall*Mart, which in turn leads to
Jim's Drugs' demise by fire]
CROWD
...Oh Lord, Kumbaya.
RANDY
All right, let's not make that mistake
again.
MR. GARRISON
Yeah, lets all shop over at Tru-Value!
CROWD
Let's go! Yeah!
THE END
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