"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 302
"SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman
[General Store. The boys are shopping...]
STAN
Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?
KYLE
No, I don't think so.
KENNY
(How about this?)
KYLE
No, that's a hair dryer!
MANAGER
May I help you find something?
KYLE
Yeah. Do you have any "nurections"?
MANAGER
Any what?
KYLE
I need to get a nurection for my dad.
MANAGER
Very funny, boys. Go on, beat it.
STAN
Why is that funny?
KYLE
Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all
the time. And both of them say it's
because my dad doesn't have a nurection.
So I want to get him one. Damn it!
What the hell is wrong with everybody?
STAN
That's the fifth store we've been kicked
out of. Why is it so hard to get a nurection?
KENNY
(You guys, take it seriously.)
KYLE
I just want a nurection so I can give
it to my mom.
MAN
What?
KENNY
(Well, see you guys. I gotta go take
the bus out of town.)
CARTMAN
Oh, where are you gonna go, Kenny? You
gonna see your little girlfriend again?
KENNY
(Yeah, you guys. Seriously.)
CARTMAN
Dude, you spend way too much time with
that girl. If you don't-
KENNY
(Ach)
STAN
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards!
CARTMAN
What the hell happened to him?
STAN
He just... ignited.
MAN
What happened?
WOMAN
I saw it from across the street. He
just caught on fire.
OFFCIER BARBRADY
Okay people, stand back. Give the little
burnt boy some breathing room
BLOND MAN
I've heard about this. This is... spontaneouos
combustion. But it usually only happens
to fat people near open flames.
MAN 2
Is it contagious?
WOMAN
Am I going to spntaneously combust?
MAN 3
I hope it doesn't happen to me.
WOMAN
This is very scary.
[City Hall, the Mayor's office. The Mayor is talking with someone.]
THE MAYOR
The people are panicking about spontaneous
combustion. That's why I've assembled
this crack team of scientists to find
out the cause of the phenomenon. You
are the best scientific mind South Park
has to offer.
RANDY
...Uuuh. Mayor, I'm a geologist.
THE MAYOR
Right.
RANDY
Well, uh I don't study human biology,
I study the earth.
THE MAYOR
Look, you're the only scientist that
lives in this town. You have to find
an answer before more people combust.
You do that, and you'll be the most
beloved man in South Park.
[The Most Beloved Man In South Park. Hands move him over the
crowd]
CROWD
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
MAN
We love you, Randy.
WOMAN
Make love to me, Randy. Please!
[returns]
RANDY
Wow.
THE MAYOR
Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling
you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion,
or else!
RANDY
Or else what?
THE MAYOR
Exactly!
[First Church of South Park. The organ is heard as people gather
for Kenny's funeral. Inside, Stan and Kyle hop up to the bier
the coffin is on. Cartman tries a couple of times and finally
makes it]
STAN
Dude, he looks so peaceful without his
little orange coat on.
KYLE
Yeah.
[The boys hop off the bier and move to the front row for the
service as Priest Maxi approaches the coffin. He opens the Bible
and reads]
PRIEST MAXI
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh
away. Sometimes the giveth seems a little
disproportionate to the taketh. There
seems to be a lot more takething going
on, but there it is. Perhaps if more
of you attended church on Sundays ,
the Lord would not have felt it necessary
to punish us by takething this little
boy...
MR. GARRISON
Oh, here comes the guilt trip again.
PRISST MAXI
Now, let us pray. Lord, though we have
lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve
Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope
our beloved Broncos can bring home another
Super Bowl championship, and once again
bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.
ALL
Amen.
PRIEST MAXI
Let's go
ALL
Let's go
PRIEST MAXI
Broncos
ALL
Broncos
PRIEST MAXI
Let's go Broncos
ALL
Broncos, let's go!
STAN
Wow, that was short.
PRIEST MAXI
Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
KYLE
Well, I'm Jewish.
PRIEST MAXI
You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus,
are you?
KYLE
I guess not.
PRIEST MAXI
Good. Boys, how would you like to perform
the Stations of the Cross this Friday
night?
STAN
The what?
PRIEST MAXI
It's like a skit, where you reeanct
the death and glorious resurrection
of Jesus Christ.
KYLE
Hey, resurrection! That's what my dad
needs!
PRIEST MAXI
Huh?
KYLE
We'll do it! We'll do it!
PRIEST MAXI
Wonderful. Here's a book on how to perform
it. Don't let me down, boys.
KYLE
Dude, this is great! You know all the
stations of the Cross, right, Stan?
STAN
I don't know, dude. I'm gonna have to
go look in the Bible.
[Outside, some of the churchgoers are still around]
TOM
Good night, Jerry.
JERRY
See ya, Tom. Bye, Helen.
HELEN
Bye, Jer- aaa!
JERRY
Oh my God, another one.
TOM
Helen, no!
JERRY
What happened?
MAN 5
God must be very angry with us. But
why? How have we angered you, Lord?
[Stan's house. Randy's in the basement doing preliminary work.
He's working on some chemical reactions when the boys come down]
RANDY
Well, let's see. If they combust... no.
Could be from the... no.
STAN
Dad, where's our Bible?
RANDY
Not now, Stan. I have to find out what
causes spontaneous combustion. Or else.
STAN
Or else what?
RANDY
Exactly.
STAN
...What?
RANDY
Right.
STAN
Where's our Bible?
RANDY
It's in the attic with the old LP's.
Boys, did you notice anything uuuh
strange about Kenny in the weeks leading
up to his combustion? Ooh, what did
he spend his time doing?
KYLE
He didn't do anything. He was always
with his new girlfriend.
RANDY
New girlfriend?
STAN
Yeah, he started seeing this girl and
he spent a lot of time taking the bus
to go visit her. What does that have
to do with his death?
RANDY
Maybe nothing... maybe everything.
STAN
...Well, we're gonna go work on getting
Kyle's dad a nurection.
RANDY
Yes, yes, of course. I've got work
to do. What?!
[Stan's room. Stan reads from the Stations of the Cross booklet
while Kyle reads from the Bible]
STAN
Let's see: Jesus got crucified, then
he died, then three days later he had
his urection. Let's see, there's fourteen
Stations of the Cross. Now, it says
we can makes costumes out of sheets.
KYLE
This is gonna be fun.
CARTMAN
I'm gonna be Jesus!
KYLE
You're too fat to be Jesus!
CARTMAN
Oh, and like you're gonna do it, Jew?!
KYLE
Stan should be Jesus.
CARTMAN
Either I'm Jesus, or else, screw you
guys, I'm going home!
KYLE
You're such a fat baby!
CARTMAN
Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations
of the Cross by yourselves.
KYLE
All right, all right, you could be Jesus,
you tubby cry-baby!
CARTMAN
Stick and stones may break my bones,
but I'm Jesus and you aren't.
[Back in the basement...]
RANDY
All right, all right, let's try it again.
Kenny was standing here. Stan, Kyle
and Cartman were walking around him.
Now, walk. Do you feel hot?
"KENNY"
Uh, no.
RANDY
Damn it! How come you're not combusting?
"STAN"
Come on, Randy. You said we were gonna
drink beer and watch the fight.
TOWNSMAN
Another one! Another one combusted!
RANDY
No! Has she been doing anything odd?
TOWNSMAN
No, she was just on her way to her new
boyfriend's house.
RANDY
Boyfriend. And they said Kenny had a
new girlfriend.
"CARTMAN"
This is stupid. Screw you guys, I'm
going home.
RANDY
No! I think I might have it.
[The First Church of South Park, night of Good Friday]
PRIEST MAXI
Well, well, well. A lot of you came
to church. Looks like we're a little
"nervous" about this spontaneous combustion
thing, huh?
A FEW PEOPLE
Yeah.
PRIEST MAXI
Well, on this blessed Friday let us
give thanks for stuff, and things.
Lord, is it so much to ask that you
not let us suddenly burst into flame
for no apparent reason? I mean, come
on! Amen. And now, some of our darling
local children are going to perform
the Stations of the Cross.
CROWD
Awww.
STAN
Station One: Jesus is condemned to death
by Pilate.
KYLE
Die!
CARTMAN
Ow! You can do what you will, but I
am the Lamb of God.
CROWD
Awww.
SOMEONE
Phew.
STAN
Station Two: Jesus takes his cross.
CARTMAN
This cross is seriously heavy. Oh man,
this is totally weak.
STAN
And then Jesus' disciple, Peter, denies
he knows him.
CARTMAN
Peter!
KYLE
I don't know you, dude.
CARTMAN
Oh, Peter. Weak, Peter. Lame. But I'm
Jesus, so I'll forgive you, I guess.
[Night, the Mayor's office. She's wearing a mud mask in bed and
reading Gazongas. The phone rings]
THE MAYOR
Mayor.
RANDY
Mayor, I have it. I found out why people
spontaneously combust.
THE MAYOR
Why?
RANDY
Uh, it's too complicated to explain
over the phone.
Girlfriend ==> DEAD
Boyfriend ==> DEAD
Call a town meeting tomorrow.
THE MAYOR
Okay. If you're right about this, Marsh,
you're going to be the most popular
man in South Park.
[The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over the
crowd]
CROWD
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
MAN
We love you, Randy.
WOMAN
Make love to me, Randy. Please!
[returns]
RANDY
Wow.
THE MAYOR
Shmuck!
[At the church, Stan continues the Stations. Cartman is stripped
to his underwear]
STAN
Station Eleven: Jesus is nailed to the
cross.
CARTMAN
Oh! This has gone from weak to superweak!
Things cannot get any more weak for
me.
STAN
Then a crown of thorns was placed on
Jesus's head, and Jesus was all like,
"Thanks."
CARTMAN
Well, this sucks that I have to die,
but if I die, everyone's sins will be
forgiven. So I guess it's cool.
STAN
And then Jesus was lead away to Mount
Sinai, where he dies, and has a resurrurection
three days later.
CARTMAN
Hi, mom.
PRIEST MAXI
Thank you, boys. Blessed be the name
of Jesus!
CROWD
It's a great name, isn't it?
[Stan and Kyle now carry Cartman on the cross and are headed
towards a hill. Kyle has the heavier end]
KYLE
Hey, that went really well. They really
liked it.
CARTMAN
Yeah. I told you I'd be a sweet Jesus,
you guys.
KYLE
Aw man, at least the real Jesus didn't
weigh 400 pounds!
CARTMAN
Up your ass with broken glass!
STAN
This spot looks good.
KYLE
Yeah. That looks pretty good.
STAN
Okay, cool. See you, Cartman.
CARTMAN
Hey, wait! Where the hell are you going?!
STAN
Huh I don't know. I'm going home, I
guess.
KYLE
Yeah, me too.
CARTMAN
Well, get me down from here!
KYLE
Cartman, how stupid are you?! Didn't
you read the Bible? We have to leave
you up there until you die, and then
you come back to life in three days.
CARTMAN
What?!
STAN
Yeah, dummy, you have to get a nurection.
KYLE
Then I can give it to my dad.
CARTMAN
Hey, uh I don't wanna be Jesus anymore!
Don't leave me here, you guys! ...All
right, that does it! Screw you guys,
I'm going home! Okay, I'm getting pissed
now! God!
[City Hall, the next day. Stan and Kyle are present for the Mayor's
announcement, along with much of the town]
THE MAYOR
All right, people. Scientist Marsh and
I have been working very hard on the
problem of spontaneous combustion, and
we have finally come up with a solution.
Mr. Marsh?
RANDY
The little boy combusted because he
had a new girlfriend. It wasn't the
girl that caused him to combust, it
was the fact that Kenny did not want
to pass gas in front of her. You see,
as food is digested the natural processes
give off a byproduct known as methane
gas. The methane gathers here in the
bowel area , where it causes pressure.
Normally a person would expel this byproduct
in the form of a pleasant fart. Should
the gas not be expelled, the methane
can build up and then ignite, leading
to... disaster. Kenny combusted because
he held his farts in for too long.
TOWNSMAN
You mean, all we have to do is fart
and we won't explode?
RANDY
Exactly.
THE MAYOR
So, from this day forward, everyone
in South Park will be required to fart
on a regular basis to insure that nobody
else spontaneously explodes.
CROWD
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
MAN
We love you, Randy.
OLD WOMAN
Make love to me, Randy. Please!
STAN
Whoa, dude, my dad's famous.
KYLE
Come on. Let's go see how Cartman is
doing with his uh, urection.
[The boys go to the hill on which they left Cartman on the cross]
STAN
Wow, he died.
KYLE
Now we just gotta wait for his urection,
and I can give it to my dad.
CARTMAN
Hey, there you guys are!
STAN
Cartman??
CARTMAN
You guys are in big trouble! Now get
me down from here!
KYLE
How come you're not dead yet, Cartman?!
CARTMAN
You guys, I mean, seriously! Get me
down!
STAN
Look, fatass: after you die and get
resurrurected, you'll have all kinds
of superpowers, just like Jesus.
CARTMAN
...Really?
KYLE
Yeah. So hurry up and die, you piece
of crap!
CARTMAN
...When I get all my superpowers, I'm
gonna use them to smote you two assholes
right off the planet! Dude, superpowers
are sweet.
[The boys are back in town, and they run across Mr. Mackey]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Hi, boys.
STAN, KYLE
Hi, Mr. Mackey.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Have you guys been sure to pass gas
regularly so you don't spontaneously
combust?
KYLE
We know how to fart, Mr. Mackey!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, let me show you, just to be sure,
mkay? Hmm, come on. Be good, now.
KYLE
Jesus Christ!
STAN
(Sick, dude!)
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I had a steak wrapped with bacon last
night.
KYLE
(Dude, I think you pooed alot.)
COUNSELOR MACKEY
So, you boys understand you have to
do that regularly, oh-mkay?
STAN
(Okay, okay, just go away!)
KYLE
God, that was not cool at all, dude!
LIANE
Oh, hello boys. Have you seen Eric around
anywhere?
STAN
Uh. We've been taking care of him.
KYLE
Yeah. We're having him resurrurected.
LIANE
Oh, all right. I was just at the store
buying some apples.
STAN
Apples?
LIANE
Yes. Apples. Ahapples, get it?
STAN
(Dude!)
KYLE
(Sick!)
LIANE
Stinky apples. See you, boys.
STAN
(I don't think I like this new law.)
LIANE
Squeaker!
[The boys return to City Hall to see the rest of the ceremony.
The people in the crowd all have their noses covered. A covered
statue stands next to Randy.]
THE MAYOR
And so I declare today Randy Marsh Day,
where we shall remember forever how
he freed us all from the threat of spontaneous
combustion. Gentlemen?
BEARDED MAN
You're the best, Randy!
RANDY
I am? I am, huh? I never knew the depth
of my scientific genius until now.
KYLE
It's too bad Cartman can't be here to
enjoy this.
STAN
Yeah.
[Back on the cross...]
CARTMAN
You guys, seriously! somebody get me
down from here!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Nur nunur nunur nunur nunur nunur-
CARTMAN
Officer Barbrady!
OFFICER BARBRADY
T. T is for turtle. Nur nunur nunur
nunur nunur nunur...
CARTMAN
Ey! Help me, you son of a bitch! Huh,
I'm gonna die up here.
[The Nobel Prize Awards. Looks like the Oscars...]
ANNOUNCER
We now return to the 42nd Annual Nobel
Prize Awards. Here again your host,
Whoopi Goldberg.
WHOOPI
Republicans are so stupid. I hate
Republicans. Republicans are so stupid.
And now, here to present the Nobel
Prize for Science is Nick Nolte
NICK NOLTE
Science is good. Science is very important.
This year's nominees are:
* Herald R. Pinkerton, for his further development of the grand
unified theory of physics.
* Randy Marsh, for his formulated break-wind theory of spontaneous
combustion.
MEPHESTO
No! No, this can't be!
RANDY
Whoa hoho, whoa! Oh wow, oh, ah, I'm
the best! Yeah! Yeah! Ah, it's just
so amazing to be told that you're the
best. I, I thought I was just a normal
person like all of you, but... Yeah! Well,
thank you for showing me otherwise!
Yeah! I kick ass, yeah!
MEPHESTO
Fixed! Fixed! That was supposed to be
my award, Kevin. I'll get him for this.
Mark my words.
[Back in South Park, Stan and Kyle are on Kyle's couch watching
the show]
STAN
Wow, my dad's the best! All other dads
suck compared to my dad!
KYLE
Hey! My dad's pretty cool, too.
[In the master bedroom Gerald and Sheila look at Gerald's penis,
to see if it'll rise]
KYLE'S FATHER
I'm sorry, honey.
KYLE'S MOTHER
It's okay, I'll just call some 20-year
old and have him come over.
KYLE'S FATHER
What?!
KYLE'S MOTHER
I'm just kidding.
KYLE'S FATHER
Kidding? Well, that's not funny! That
hurt my feelings!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Why?
KYLE'S FATHER
Why?!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle.
KYLE
Don't worry, guys. I'm getting a nurection
as we speak.
KYLE'S FATHER
Huh?
KYLE
Wall, actally, Cartman's getting a nurection.
But then, we're gonna give it you. Sooo,
buck up!
KYLE'S MOTHER
We have a very strange little boy, Gerald.
[Next day, Cartman on the cross. Stan and Kyle arrive to check
up on Cartman]
STAN
Dude, he's still not dead.
CARTMAN
You guys, my mom is totally worried
about me. You'd better let me down.
KYLE
She's not worried about you.
CARTMAN
Yes she is! I've been hearing her all
day! Listen! Listen. Eric? Eric, where
are you? I miss you very much.
STAN
That's not your mom calling!
CARTMAN
Yes it is, you guys. I'm serious now.
This is Eric's mom and I want him home
right now.
KYLE
How stupid do you think we are?! Now
you die on that cross and get resurrurected
befoe I kick your ass!
CARTMAN
You guys, it's too hot out here! I can't
do this!
STAN
He is right. It has been getting really
hot lately.
KYLE
Yeah, I noticed that too. Let's go get
some ice-cold lemonade.
STAN
Hey, yeah!
CARTMAN
Oh! God-damnit! Urh! You guys! You guys
wanna hear my "I hate Stand and Kyle"
song?! Ahem.
I hate Stan and Kyle
I seriously hate Stan and Kyle...
[City Hall. The Mayor and her aides are in shorts and T's]
THE MAYOR
My God, it's burning up in here! Can't
we crank the AC up some more?
AIDE 2
It's already on full.
RANDY
You wanted to see me, Mayor?
THE MAYOR
Yes, Marsh. We have a new problem, and
I think only you can solve it.
RANDY
I suspect you're talking about the dramatic
heat wave.
THE MAYOR
Yes. The temperature is steadily rising
every day. I want you to find out why.
RANDY
Mayor, I think I'm a little overqualified
for this. My scientific mind is best
used on global problems.
THE MAYOR
All right, all right. Name your price.
RANDY
Ten thousand. I have to protect my talent.
THE MAYOR
Done. Just find out what's happening.
RANDY
Don't worry, Mayor. I'll find the cause.
Or else. Or else what? Exactly.
[Another night on the cross. The Last Temptation of Cartman]
CARTMAN
Hey you guys. Seriously.
CHEF
What the-? Oh, what now?!
CARTMAN
Chef! Chef!
CHEF
Children, what the hell are you doin'?
CARTMAN
Just get me down from here! Oh, finally!
My arms are killing me!
CHEF
You children shouldn't be crucifying
yourselves in this heat.
[Chef drives him into town]
CARTMAN
Sweet. Now, I'm gonna go kill those
guys!
CHEF
Eric, I have to tell you something,
and it's really gonna bum you out.
CARTMAN
What?
CHEF
It's really gonna piss you off.
CARTMAN
What?!
CHEF
This is just a dream. You're still up
on that cross.
CARTMAN
Oh, damnit!
[Stan's house, basement. A Cheesy Poofs commercial ends as Stan
comes down the steps]
STAN
Dad, where's the phone book?
RANDY
Not now, Stanley. Without my scientific
genius, the town is doomed. Let's see
now, when exactly did the temperature
start to go up?
[Jesus and Pals comes on]
JESUS
Our topic tonight is the rising temperatures
in South Park. Let's go to the phones.
Caller, you're on the air.
STAN
Yeah, um, Jesus, after you got crucified,
how long did it take you to die and
resurrect?
RANDY
Stan?
JESUS
That's not the topic tonight. The topic
is global warming.
STAN
Oh.
JESUS
Do you have an opinion on global warming?
STAN
Uh, it... sucks ass.
JESUS
Okay! Thank you caller. Well, let's
go to our first guest, Dr. Alphonse
Mephesto. Thank you for coming. You
claim to know the cause of global warming
in South Park.
Mephesto. I most certainly do! The cause of global warming is
[brings out a picture of a man, with horns, mustache, and angry
eyebrows drawn on] Randy Marsh! [Randy is stunned] It was Marsh's
theory on spontaneous combustion that told everyone to fart all
they want. Now all the methane from all those farts has ripped
a hole in our ozone layer. We are all doomed to die!
RANDY
Awww crap.
[City Hall, the next day. The town is gathered clamoring for
Randy to come out.]
TOWNSMAN
Go get him!
TOWNSMAN 1
We want answers!
Townsman 2 You've killed us all!
Townsman 3 Someone's got to pay!
WOMAN
It's out of control.
[inside the Mayor's office]
THE MAYOR
Boy, they're really pissed.
RANDY
Well, they're right. We should have
known that all that methane could adversely
affect the atmosphere.
THE MAYOR
Well, let's go talk to them. Stick by
me.
RANDY
Hey!
TOWNSMAN 4
You killed us all!
TOWNSMAN 5
Shove that Nobel prize up your ass!
STAN
Oh my God, what's going on?
TOWNSMAN 6
Now we either hold in our farts and
spontaneously combust, o-o-or we let
our farts out and kill our entire planet.
Well I, for one, am not farting anymore!
RANDY
Uuuh, I- I'll try to find a solution.
TOWNSMAN 7
We don't want your solutions, phony!
TOWNSMAN 8
Give me that! Yeah!
TOWNSMAN 9
Damn you Marsh! Get out of town!
TOWNSMAN 10
You fraud!
RANDY
Mr. Garrison, help me!
MR. GARRISON
I, I do not know you, sir.
TOWNSMAN 11
Up your-
TOWNSMAN 12
Arrn!
KYLE
Yeah, take that!
STAN
Dude, that's my dad!
KYLE
...Oh, yeah. Sorry.
[News 4 Special Report]
ANCHOR
The spontaneous combustion problem escalates
as more and more peopel go back to holding
in all their farts. Meanwhile, the
ozone layer continues to deplete as
others refuse to hold in their farts
for fear of combustion. As we all know,
the cause for all of this is Randy Marsh,
the son of a bitch who calls himself
a scientist. We caught up with Mr. Marsh
earlier today and he had this to say:
RANDY
Ije, I I don't know what to say.
ANCHOR
What an asshole! I hate that guy, and
so do you. And now, on to the weather.
It's fucking hot, thanks to Randy Marsh,
son of a bitch!
[Everyone has gone to the Marsh house. Stan and Kyle look out
from the living room window as the crowd clamors outside with
torches. A man knocks down the trashcan next to the garage.]
KYLE
Dude, those people are pissed!
STAN
I know, huh?
KYLE
Where's your dad?
STAN
He's hiding down in the basement. I
I don't know what to do.
KYLE
Well, you have to help him, just like
I have to help my dad.
[Cartman is still on the cross]
[Gerald's law firm. The sign reads "Brovlofski & Jackson," so
he's got a partner. Gerald sits at his desk looking over papers]
RADIO TALK SHOW HOST
Still more up next from the heat wave
caused by Randy Marsh. A giant glacier
is melting above South Park and the
entire town is doomed. And now, these
messages.
BOB DOLE
Having a hard time with male potency?
Well, I don't, and I'm Bob Dole. What's
wrong with you? Christ, I'm Bob Dole
and I can get it up.
BLONDE
Are you a lawyer?
KYLE'S FATHER
Yes.
BLONDE
We want to sue Randy Marsh.
KYLE'S FATHER
Why?
BLONDE
He gave us skin cancer.
BRUNETTE
Yeah. He put the hole in the ozone,
and now we have skin cancer all over
our hot bodies. Look.
[The Marsh house. Stan and Kyle go to the basement. Randy cowers
in a corner wrapped in a blanket]
STAN
What are you doing, dad?
RANDY
Stanley, I think its best you live with
Kyle from now on. His dad is better
than me.
STAN
No, he's not! He can't even get a nurection!
RANDY
Hm. Really?
STAN
Dad, you've got to work! People are
dying, dad. You've got to come up with
a solution!
RANDY
Not me. I'm not a scientist, I'm a hack.
Even if I found a solution, those people
would still all hate me.
STAN
Well, that doesn't matter! I learned
something from the Stations of the Cross.
RANDY
What?
STAN
See, at first, Jesus was all like, "Why
me?" And he was all pissed off and stuff.
But then he saw that what mattered most
was everybody else. So he stopped thinking
about his own misery, and did what had
to be done. Right as Jesus was dying,
he raised his hand and said, "The needs
of the many outweigh the needs of the
few."
RANDY
You're right, Stanley. You're absolutely
right. Hey, that Bible sounds like
kind of a good book.
STAN
It ain't bad. You should try reading
it sometime.
KYLE
Dude, that was Star Trek again.
STAN
Huh?
KYLE
"The needs of the many outweigh the
needs of the few?" That was Wrath of
Khan.
STAN
Uh, well, Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's
the difference?
RANDY
All right. Now, let's get to work.
You And Me, Girl [Intro. Randy mixes some chemicals, then writes
some formulas on the chalkboard]
[Randy explains the hold in the ozone layer] I've been telling
everybody that you're my girl,
[Randy set off a reacion that boils over] Cause I'm not one to
be shy.
[Randy looks into a microscope] You don't have to go with me
if you don't want to, just
[the boys approve] Tell everybody I'm your guy
[Monster Sharon chases Randy and the boys all over the house]
You and me, girl, it's forever
Sha la la la la laaa
I've been telling everybody that you're my girl,
Cause I'm not one to be shy.
[Randy and the boys as a band] I've been telling everybody that
you're my girl,
Cause I'm not one to be shy.
[Randy and the boys in hearts on moiré] You don't have to go
with me if you don't want to, just
Tell everybody I'm your guy
[Randy and the boys floating up through clouds] You and me, girl,
it's forever
Sha la la la la laaa
[Monster Sharon joins the band] You and me, girl, forever and
ever
You and me, girl, forever and ever
You and me, girl, forever and ever [fade. Randy's humming]
STAN
Dad. Dad!
RANDY
Wow!
STAN
Dad, what are you doin?! You have to
get started!
RANDY
...Right, right right.
[The Broflovski house. Kyle watches TV and Ike plays on the floor.
The front door opens]
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle, where's your mother?
KYLE
She's upstairs.
KYLE'S FATHER
Well, I have something to give to her!
Don't worry, Kyle. Everything's gonna
be okay between me and your mom.
KYLE
Really? Great! I don't have to worry
about that anymore.
[Another night on the cross]
CARTMAN
Hello-o.
[The Marsh house. The crowd is still clamoring outside]
TOWNSMAN 13
Look! There he is!
TOWNSMAN 14
Get him!
RANDY
Uh. Please, everyone-
TOWNSMAN 15
You're a dead man, Marsh!
RANDY
Please, just listen to me. I think
I found the answer.
TOWNSMAN 16
Could I borrow one of your rocks?
RANDY
It's all about moderation. If you never
fart, you combust, but if you always
fart, you deplete the ozone. So we must
fart only at appropriate times or when
it's really, really funny.
TOWNSMAN 17
Huh?
RANDY
I know you all hate me, but please,
for your own sake, fart in moderation.
You can keep stoning me now, if you
want. Ow.
[City Hall, three weeks later]
THE MAYOR
And so we salute Randy Marsh and his
unified theory of moderation that has
saved us all.
STAN
See? My dad is the coolest after all.
KYLE
Well, my dad is, too.
STAN
Cartman!
KYLE
I forgot all about him.
[The boys are not at the foot of the cross.]
STAN
He's been up there for like, three weeks.
KYLE
Wow!
STAN
That's amazing!
CARTMAN
Hey you guys, I am really pissed off
now.
KYLE
Dude! You're stil alive, Cartman?
CARTMAN
Get me down from here!
STAN
Dude, you survived all this time on
the fat stored up in your body?
CARTMAN
Yes. And when I get down from here,
I'm gonna kick you both right in the
nuts.
[End of Spontaneous Combustion. "You and Me, Girl" plays.]
|
