"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 215
"SPOOKY FISH"
Written by
Trey Parker
ANNOUNCER
The following program is brought to
you in spoooky vision. Be warned: all
scenes will be accompanied by pictures
of Barbra Streisand.
[Outer Space. A ship descends and then turns towards Earth, headed
for the western U.S. As it enters the atmosphere it begins to
burn. It slows down and hovers over a road, then lands gently.
A door opens like a camera lens, and an alien drops down. As
soom as he moves, a tire crushes him. Judging by the size of
the tire, the alien was 18 to 24 inches tall. The tire is that
of the South Park Elementary school bus, which stops to let the
boys off. Then it pulls away.]
STAN
I wonder why Cartman wasn't in school
today.
KYLE
He probably just ditched to avoid that
spelling test.
CARTMAN
Hey guys. How's it going?
KYLE
Uh, nice costume, dude. Who are you
supposed to be? Luke Perry?
STAN
Cartman, how come you weren't in school
today?
KYLE
Did you eat too many pork rinds last
night?
CARTMAN
You guys, you're so funny. No matter
how I'm feeling, I can always count
on you guys to lighten me up.
STAN
What?
CARTMAN
I had to stay home because my mother
wasn't feeling well. She has the flu,
and I wanted to take care of the house
so she could stay in bed. I just wanted
to catch you guys to see if we were
assigned any homework tonight.
KYLE
What the hell are you talking about,
Cartman?!
STAN
Stop screwing around, dude. We're all
gonna go meet at the store later to
buy pumpkins to carve.
CARTMAN
Oooh, then we can enter the carving
contest! I'll run home and get money
from Mother. Do you guys need some,
too?
STAN
Dude, this is creepy.
[Stan reaches his house and enters]
SHARON
Stanley? Look who's here. Aunt Flo.
AUNT FLO
Hello, Stanley. Remember me?
STANLEY
Hi, Aunt Flo.
SHARON
Now, Stanley! Aunt Flo only visits
once a month. Be nice.
AUNT FLO
Hey, Stanley. I brought you and Shelley
presents.
STAN
Wow, really?! Hey, I love Aunt Flo!
AUNT FLO
Okay, Shelley. This one's for you.
It's a television/CD player/surround
sound home theater.
STAN
Wow!
SHARON
What do you say, Shelley?
SHELLEY
Thank you, Aunt Flo.
SHARON
Okay, Stanley. Your turn.
AUNT FLO
Your very own fish.
SHELLEY
What do you say, Stanley?
STAN
I don't know.
AUNT FLO
I think he likes you. Come on Shelley.
Let's hook up your home theater.
SHELLEY
Okay.
SHARON
How do you like your fish, Stanley?
STAN
I don't like it. It's spooky.
SHARON
Oh, now, what's spooky about a cute,
little goldfish? Go put him in your
room.
STAN
Do I have to?
SHARON
Yes, you do!
STAN
Damn it!
SHARON
Language!
[A DIFFERENT BARBRA PICTURE ZOOMS OUT FROM THE CENTER OF THE SCREEN. NEXT
the bus stop. Kyle is already there]
KYLE
Where have you been, dude?
STAN
Dude, my mom's having her monthly visitor.
KYLE
Aunt Flo?
STAN
Yeah. Every time she shows up my mom
turns into a total bitch.
KYLE
Where is Cartman? He said he was gonna
bring money for us to buy a pumpkin.
STAN
Yeah, I wonder why he's being so nice.
KYLE
Here he comes.
STAN
Hey, Cartman! Did you bring us money
from your mom?
CARTMAN
Heh! Yeah, right! You guys could kiss
my black ass!
KYLE
You said you could get us money, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Man, you guys are hella stupid! If I
had money, I wouldn't give it to you
assholes!
KYLE
Well, at least he's back to normal.
STAN
Yeah, but we can't get a pumpkin, so
we can't enter the carving contest!
KYLE
It's okay. Kenny said he'd get one.
CARTMAN
Oh, how's Kenny gonna get one?! He's
hella poor!
STAN
Why do you keep saying "hella," fatass?!
CARTMAN
'Cause I'm hella cool, that's why.
KYLE
That's not cool!
CARTMAN
You guys are just hella jealous.
[Night time, storm. Stan's house. Randy is about to turn off
the light in Stan's room]
RANDY
Good night, Stanley. We'll uh see you
in the morning.
STAN
Can you leave the light on, Dad?
RANDY
Well, it has to be off, or your Aunt
Flo will complain about wasting electricity.
STAN
I wish Aunt Flo didn't have to visit
now.
RANDY
Yeah, me too. But she only visits your
mom for five days or so. I'll be out
sleeping on the couch.
[In the darkness, Stan pulls the covers close and looks at the
fish. They stare at each other, and the fish blows a bubble.
Stan turns away, then looks back. The fish just looks at him.
Stan then turns towards the window and begins to fall asleep,
until lightning startles him upright. He looks at the tank. The
fish is gone!]
STAN
Where did it go? Huhhh.
[Kenny's house. Rain is dripping in all over the ceiling as pails
collect the water. Kenny, Kevin and Mom share a blanket on the
sofa while Stuart sits in the armchair]
KENNY
(Give me that-!)
MOM
Kenny ,
KENNY
(Ow, mom!)
MOM
You share that blanket with your brother!
STUART
Who the hell could that be?
CARTMAN
Hi there, folks! This is a heck of
a storm out now! Thought maybe you could
use some provisions. There's some candles
and food in there. It ain't much, but
it should get you through the night.
Take care, folks. I've got other houses
to get to.
STUART
Kenny, wasn't that your fat, racist,
foul-mouthed friend, Eric Cartman?
KENNY
(Uh huh)
[Stan's house. He gets up once again to look at the tank, but
the shirt is not on it anymore.]
STAN
Hey. Where did the shirt go? I covered
you with a shirt! Where did it go?!
AAAaAaAaAa I'm not gonna look. It's
not closer. I'm just seeing things.
GAAAH! AAAAAAAH!! MOM! Mom!
SHARON
Stanley, settle down!
STAN
Look. He's gonna kill me, Mom!
AUNT FLO
Is there a problem?
SHARON
Uhno problem, Aunto Flo.
AUNT FLO
Do you not like your goldfish?
STAN
No!
AUNT FLO
I'm sorry. I'm a bad aunt.
SHARON
There, there, Aunt Flo. Stanley loves
his goldfish.
[1
25 a.m. Stan is under the covers looking
at the spooky fish. After a long while,
the fish turns around and starts writing
something on the tank wall with his
tail. Stan gets out of bed for a closer
look. The fish finishes writing and
turns to blow on the wall. A gray area
appears and the word "KILL" appears
within it.]
STAN
AAAAAAAAH!
SHARON
Stanley, what are you doing?!
STAN
The fish! But-.
SHARON
Stanley, I'm in no mood for this! Not
when youur Aunt Flo is in town! Oh,
look, you woke your sister up. Go to
sleep, Stanley!
[Stan gets back into bed and pulls the covers up. Another flash
of lighting gets Stan to sit up again. He looks at the tank again,
then gets out of bed for a closer look, failing to notice the
growing pool of blood next ot him. The fish again looks down
and to the right, and Stan's eyes follow]
STAN
WAAAAAAAH! Mooomm!
SHARON
All right, Stanley. I have had enough
o- Oh, Stanley, what have you done,
baby? What have you done??
STAN
Mom, I was just sleeping. And the next
thing I knew-.
SHARON
Sshhh. It's okay, honey. It's okay.
I've got such a good boy, Mommy's little
angel. Now, don't worry, Stanley. Mommy's
going to hide the body. Nobody's going
to take my baby away. I've got such
a handsome boy, such a good boy.
STAN
You're not gonna get away with this!
[Stan walks over to the window and sees his mom digging a grave
next to the body. She then places the body in the grave and covers
it up. She returns with the shovel to the kitchen and closes
the door behind her.]
AUNT FLO
Sharon!
SHARON
D'uh! Aunt Flo, what are you doing up?!
AUNT FLO
Look at you, with your little shovel.
Just like when you were twelve.
STAN
Mom, what are you doing?
SHARON
Sshh. It's going to be okay, Stanley.
STAN
Mom, do you think I killed that guy?
It was the fish! He says I'm next!
SHARON
Now get some sleep, baby. Mommy's taken
care of everything.
STAN
But MOM!
SHARON
Sshh.
Hush little baby, don't say a word. Momma's gonna buy you a mockin'
bird
If that mockin' bird don't sing, Momma's gonna bury it in the
backyard
[8 a.m., next day. A rooster crows and Stan's clock farts. Stan
wakes up and looks at the tank. The fish is still there. Stan
hops off the bed and walks to the tank, but is stopped by another
body.]
STAN
MMOOMM!
SHARON
What is it, honey? My baby's killed
again!
STAN
No, mom!
SHARON
What are we gonna do, baby? What are
we gonna do?? I've got such a handsome
boy, such a good boy.
[Almost 8 p.m., Kyle's house. Kyle and Cartman are at table when
Kenny comes in]
KYLE
It's about time, Kenny! Did you bring
the pumpkin?
KENNY
(Uh huh!)
CARTMAN
Well, where is it? What the hell is
that?!
KENNY
(It's the only thing I could afford.)
CARTMAN
It's all you could afford?! Whoever
heard of a squah-o-lantern, Kenny?!
That's hella stupid!
KYLE
Stop saying "hella," Cartman! How are
we gonna win the contest with a squash?
Whoa, Stan. You don't look so good.
STAN
I haven't been sleeping so well.
CARTMAN
God, I hate you, Kenny. I have to
get another knife; this one's hella
dull!
KYLE
God, will you shut up?!
STAN
Kyle, you know how some people are,
like, murderers and stuff?
KYLE
Yeah.
STAN
Do you think animals can be murderers,
too?
KYLE
I don't know. Oh, great. He's got that
stupid beard on again.
CARTMAN
No, Kenny. You should cut with the
blade facing away from you. You're gonna
hurt yourself. Seriously, dude. Isn't
this fun, you guys? Carving pumpkins
for Halloween?
You guys are my best friends
Through thick and thin, we've always been together
We're four of a kind, havin' fun all day
Pallin' around and laughin' away
Just best friends, best friends are we.
I love you guys. [throughout the song, Kyle and Stan look on
with awe]
[Next day. Stan, Kyle and Kenny are at the bus stop. A picture
of Barbra in curls is now on all four corners.]
KYLE
You seem tired, Stan.
STAN
I haven't been sleeping well.
KYLE
Why?
STAN
My pet goldfish killed another random
person last night.
KYLE
Hoh, that sucks, dude.
CARTMAN
Hey, dudes. Man, it's hella cold out
here.
KYLE
Cartman?
CARTMAN
Who'd you expect? Maury Povich? Golly,
you're hella lame!
STAN
What are you doing?!
CARTMAN
What do you mean, what am I doing?!
I''m just standing here. Jesus, mellow
out, you guys.
KYLE
You can't be standing there, Cartman.
CARTMAN
Why the hell not?!
KYLE
Because you're standing over there!
CARTMAN
Aaah! Son of a bitch!
EVIL CARTMAN
Wow, you don't see this every day.
CARTMAN
I can't believe what I'm seeing.
EVIL CARTMAN
It's like I'm looking in a mirror.
CARTMAN
Dude, this is hella weird.
[Sunrise, Stan's house. Officer Barbrady approaches the front
door, humming. He rings the bell]
SHARON
Oh. Uh-Officer Babrady, Woowhat what
a surprise. Wwhat can I do for you?
OFFICER BABRADY
Well, there's been a report of a few
missing people.
SHARON
Is that so?
OFFICER BABRADY
Yeah. No biggie, but I was wondering
if you had seen any of them.
SHARON
I'd never seen any of those men, Officer
Barbrady.
OFFICER BABRADY
No, I didn't think so. Mind if I look
around the back yard, though?
SHARON
Why would you wanna do that?
OFFICER BABRADY
Well, I'm checking everyone's back yards.
Missing people usually turn up hiding
in someone's bushes. May I? Well, this
all looks in- oh? Tennis anyone?
[the fourth image of Barbra zooms out and back, and Sharon is
now in the basement]
SHARON
Nobody's going to take my baby away
from me! Nobody!
BARBRADY
Okay, Mrs. Marsh, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to ask you a few qustions.
[South Park Elementary, lunch time. The boys are in the kitchen
for their food]
CHEF
Hello there, children!
THE BOYS
Hey, Chef.
CHEF
All ready for our Halloween lunch? Today
I've got spooooooky spaghetti, with
freeeeeaky French fries.
KYLE
Uh, Chef?
CHEF
Or haaauuunted hash browns.
KYLE
Chef.
CHEF
And a creeeeeepy cookie, and moooooonstrous
milk!
KYLE
Chef.
CHEF
And a teeeeerrifying napkin!
KYLE
Chef!
CHEF
What?!
KYLE
We have problems!
CHEF
Well, what's the first problem?
STAN
Chef, I have a goldfish that keeps killing
people.
CHEF
Oh. Well, uh, don't worry, Stan. I'm
sure it'll work out. Now, what's the
other problem? Oh, nohoho. Oh, DEAR
GOD, NO!
[cafeteria dining area. The five boys and Chef are sitting at
a table]
CARTMAN
…and them I saw them all at the bus
stop, and this son of a bitch is standing
there!
EVIL CARTMAN
I'm sorry I caused so much trouble.
This is all very strange to me, too.
CHEF
Exactly what do you remember?
EVIL CARTMAN
Well, I was just standing around, and
Stan and Kyle were being really mean,
as usual, and Kenny had just bought
a new car.
CHEF
Of course! That's it!
STAN
What?
CHEF
Don't you see, children? This Cartman
is from an evil, parallel universe where
everything exists as its opposite!
CARTMAN
He's my evil twin? But he doesn't even
look that much like me; he's all fat
and stuff. He's hella lying.
KYLE
Will you stop saying that word?!
STAN
Of course! My pet goldfish must be from
the evil, opposite universe, too!
CHEF
Children, somewhere in South Park, something
has created a door to the evil, parallel
universe!
EVIL CARTMAN
This is amazing! I can't believe how
nice you are, Chef.
CHEF
How do you mean?
EVIL CARTMAN
In my world, you're a skinny, white
insurance salesman.
[Stan's house, daytime. The boys enter the living room and Stan
places his fish on a small desk next to the sofa. Aunt Flo greets
them.]
AUNT FLO
Ooh, hello, boys. I'm Stan's Aunt Flo.
KYLE
Whoa! What's wrong with your head?!
Why are you shaking like that?
STAN
Dude, that's not cool. She's got Parkinson's
disease.
CARTMAN
Ey, sweet! Sweeeeeet! Check it out,
guys: you don't even have to put a quarter
in her.
STAN
Cartman!
CARTMAN
Dude, this is hella cool.
STAN
Aunt Flo, where did you get this goldfish?
AUNT FLO
Nn-oh. I got it from the pet store,
Stanley.
STAN
Do you remember what pet store?
AUNT FLO
Let's see. I believe it was called "The
Indian Burial Ground Pet Store," just
outside of town.
STAN
Where?
AUNT FLO
I know I have the address written down
somewhere. Let me look.
STAN
That's it, dude. We've gotta take the
spooky fish back to that pet store.
CARTMAN
Who's "we"? You got a turd in your pocket?
I'm goin' home. I'm hella hungry!
EVIL CARTMAN
I'll help you, Stan.
CARTMAN
Shut your god-damned mouth, fatass!
KYLE
Dude. Are you sure that fish is a murderer?
It seemed like a normal fish to me.
STAN
Just help me take it back. Come on!
Did you find the address, Aunt Flo-
Aunt Flo!
SHARON
Oh, Stanley, no! Not Aunt Flo!
STAN
It was the fish!
SHARON
Oh, what a good baby. What a good son
I have.
STAN
Now we'll never know where that pet
store is!
KYLE
There can't be that many pet stores
in South Park, dude.
STAN
Aunt Flo isn't from South Park. The
pet store could be anywhere between
here and Denver.
KYLE
Well, we'd better get working. Cartman,
you go home and call all the pet stores
in the phone book.
EVIL CARTMAN
Can do!
CARTMAN
Screw you!
SHARON
It's all taken care of, Stanley- G'oh!
I've got such a good boy, such a handsom
boy!
STAN
Come on, we're running out of time.
RANDY
Hey, why is the basement door locked?
[the Marsh basement. Barbrady is still tied up]
BARBRADY
-crack corn and I don't care
Jimmy crack corn and I don't care
My master's gone away
[long pause]
Jimmy crack corn and I don't care
[Cartman's house. Both Cartmans are seated on the sofa. Evil
Cartman has the phone book, Cartman has a pot pie]
EVIL CARTMAN
I don't see any pet stores called "Indian
Burial Ground."
CARTMAN
Shut up, dude! I'm trying to watch TV!
ANNOUNCER
And now, back to the Terrance and Phillip
Halloween Special.
TERRANCE
(Fart)
PHILLIP
That fart was absolutely ghoulish,
Terrance.
CARTMAN
Uh-ho-ho, man, that's hella funny!
EVIL CARTMAN
What's so funny about that?
KITTY
Meow.
CARTMAN
No, Kitty, this is my pot pie!
KITTY
Meow.
CARTMAN
No, Kitty, this is my pot pie, Kitty!
EVIL CARTMAN
Who's my kitty? Who's my little kitty?
My fluffy little cat. Yeah, that's good,
yeah, that's my nice little kitty, yeah.
CARTMAN
NO KITTY, BAD KITTY!! Hahaha, you-hoo
suck, dude.
[Night time, the Marsh house. Stan and Kyle are on the sofa.
Sharon enters with another woman]
SHARON
Stanley. Kenny's mother is here. She's
wondering if you've seen Kenny.
KENNY'S MOM
You saw him, didn't you? You saw my
boy.
STAN
Yeah, my goldfish-.
SHARON
Yeah. Stan just got a new goldfish and
he wanted to show it to Kenny but, Kenny
never came over.
KENNY'S MOM
My Kenny used to laugh and play. He
was eight years old, just like you,
my Kenny was.
STAN
I know.
KENNY'S MOM
You've gotta tell me what happened to
him! You have to know somthing!
SHARON
Mrs. McCormick, I'm going to have to
ask you to leave! You've been drinking!
KENNY'S MOM
That's right, I'm a little drunk. You'd
be drunk, too, if you'd lost your boy.
My Kenny used to sing and dance, eh.
EVIL CARTMAN
You guys, I found the pet store!
STAN
Come on, let's go! Mom, I know you
think I did all this, but I'm gonna
prove to you it was this fucking fish!
SHARON
I believe you, sweetheart. Run from
him, boys. Run and don't stop!
[A stormy night, at the pet store. The remains of a covered wagon
are next to it. The three boys enter]
CLERK
Can I help you boys?
STAN
I wanna return a fish.
CLERK
Damn it!
KYLE
What?
CLERK
That's the ninth return I've had this
week! What's wrong with it? Ap! Let
me guess. It killed a bunch of people,
right?
STAN
Yeah, dude.
CLERK
Damn it! Just like all the other returns!
KYLE
Dude, why is your store called "The
Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?"
CLERK
Well, there was an Indian burial ground
here before I bought it.
STAN
So you just- built your store on top
of an Indian burial ground?
CLERK
Oh, hell no! First I dug up all the
bodies, pissed on 'em, then buried them
again upside down.
KYLE
Why?
CLERK
Why? I don't know. I was drunk.
STAN
We think that when you did that, you
opened up a doorway to an evil, parallel
universe.
CLERK
Well, that certainly would explain a
lot.
KYLE
Like what?
CLERK
Well, like this. I've been wondering
what the hell this was.
[Stan's house. Randy finally opened the door to the basement
and brings down some items.]
OFFICER BARBRADY
Hello, Mr. Marsh. Top of the evening
to you. Okay, bye, then.
[The kitchen. Sharon is preparing cookie dough. Randy enters.]
RANDY
Sharon?
SHARON
Yyes, hon?
RANDY
There's a policeman being held captive
in our basement.
SHARON
Yes, hon. I had to restrain him so
he wouldn't find the bodies in the back
yard and take our baby away.
RANDY
Why'd you take his pants off? Sh-sharon,
why'd you take his- pants off?
SHARON
Oh, Randy, I just don't know what to
do anymore.
RANDY
What is it?
SHARON
I just ughhhh, I can't believe that
Aunt Flo is gone, that she won't be
visiting me ever again.
RANDY
Oh. Wuwell, don't- think of it as an
end, think of it as a new beginning.
Now, could you fill me in on the dead
bodies and captive policeman stuff real
quick?
[Back at the pet store]
STAN
Look, pal. This is very simple. All
I want to do is return this fish.
CLERK
I can't give you your money back.
STAN
I don't care, dude! I just want this
fish away from me!
CLERK
No! I won't take it back!
EVIL CARTMAN
Listen, friend. You can't sell people
pets like this. You have to have a sign
that says, "Warning: these fish are
from an evil, parallel universe." Now,
it's not our fault you disrespected
the bodies of this land's native people,
but by golly , you're gonna take this
fish back.
CLERK
All right, you win.
STAN
Wow! Thanks, evil Cartman!
EVIL CARTMAN
And sir, can I make a suggestion?
Move your store, and let these great
people of the Wampanoag rest in peace.
KYLE
You kick ass, evil Cartman!
STAN
Yeah!
KYLE
You know what I like best about you?
You don't say, "hella," like our Cartman
does. I swear, if he says that one more
time, I'm gonna kill him!
EVIL CARTMAN
No, Kyle. Murder is never an answer.
CLERK
What the-?
EVIL STAN
He was here! Cartman was just here!
CLERK
Who are you?
EVIL KYLE
We're looking for Cartman. The trail
ended here. Where is he?
CLERK
I don't know who you mean?
EVIL KYLE
Maybe this will jog your memory!
CLERK
No! Stop! You don't know what you're
doing! Those pets are evil!
[Several identical images of Barbra flash through space, one
of them towards the camera, and the boys are walking down Main
Street]
STAN
I'm sure glad that's over with. Now
I can sleep at night.
EVIL CARTMAN
Hey, you guys. We still have time to
enter the pumpkin-carving contest.
KYLE
Hey, yeah! I almost forgot.
EVIL CARTMAN
Come on! I bet that together we can
make the best pumpkin ever!
STAN
You know, evil Cartman? I like you a
lot better than our Cartman.
KYLE
Yeah, you're cool. And you don't say
"hella."
EVIL CARTMAN
Yuh, thanks, you guys. I certainly like
you a lot more than in my evil, parallel
universe.
KYLE
Dude, where are we going to find a
pumpkin to carve?
EVIL CARTMAN
Let's use Kenny's squash.
STAN
Yeah. You know, I never thought it was
such a bad, little squash. It just needs
some tender, loving care.
[Cartman's house. Cartman is watching TV in the dark. Onscreen,
Phillip is in a cemetery standing next to a tombstone that might
be Terrance's, and has three roses in his hand]
TERRANCE
Boo!
PHILLIP
Aaaaagh!
CARTMAN
Aw, man, this movie is hella scary.
EVIL STAN
Aha! There you are, Cartman!
CARTMAN
P'h. Nice costume, you guys. You spent
about a buck fifty on those?
EVIL KYLE
We're here to take you back, Goody Two-Shoes!
CARTMAN
Oh? I've got a better idea. Why don't
you two go fuck yourselves?
EVIL STAN
Hey! What's wrong with you, Cartman?
CARTMAN
What's wrong with me? Let's see. Uum.
I hate you guys. You're hella stupid.
EVIL KYLE
Come on, Mr. Wholesome! We're taking
you back to our universe!
CARTMAN
Don't touch me!
EVIL STAN
What the hell's goin' on?! Cartman never
hits us!
EVIL KYLE
Hall right! Just stand there, Cartman!
This gingerification gun will send you
back to our universe!
CARTMAN
Oh, right! You guys are from the evil,
parallel universe?!
EVIL STAN
Yes!
CARTMAN
Oh, it's about freakin' time you showed
up! You don't want me, you want that
impostor Cartman! Come on, I'll show
you.
Pumpkin Carving Contest
[The Mayor is dressed as a Puritan woman. Johnson holds a ball
on a platter. They are on stage, which is adorned with two spiderwebs
and a bat in each one]
THE MAYOR
And the winner is: Squash-O-Lantern,
by Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and
the evil Eric Cartman from the parallel
universe!
STAN
We won, dude!
EVIL CARTMAN
Hooray!
THE MAYOR
You boys win the Halloween Chocolate
Ball!
EVIL CARTMAN
Oh, no! Stan and Kyle have come to
take my back to my world, and I don't
wanna go back!
STAN
Don't worry, Evil Cartman. You're staying
with us!
CARTMAN
Now, zap his hella ass back to your-
hella universe!
KYLE
Stop saying "hella," Cartman!
EVIL STAN
Thought you could get away from us,
huh, Cartman?!
EVIL CARTMAN
Please!
KYLE
Leave him alone, butthole!
EVIL KYLE
Shut your trap, kid!
STAN
Why don't you goys take our Cartman
back? He's more like you anyway.
CARTMAN
Ey, you backstabbin' sellout!
EVIL STAN
It's time, Cartman! Prepare for gingerification!
EVIL CARTMAN
Well, good-bye, you guys. It's been
fun.
MAN
AAAAAH!
WOMAN
AAAAAH!
THE MAYOR
Oh, what now?!
KYLE
It's the evil pets
EVIL STAN
The gingerification gun!
STAN
Get to the stage!
SHARON
Oh, dear. It really was Stan's fish
that killed those people!
EVIL STAN
Give me that gun, kid!
STAN
Up yours, evil twin!
EVIL STAN
Noooooo!
EVIL KYLE
Noooooo!
CARTMAN
All right, now you can try to send this
Bozo through and the whole mess'll be
over with!
STAN
Sorry Cartman. We like Evil Cartman
better. See ya.
CARTMAN
What?!
KYLE
We can't deal with you saying "hella"
anymore, Cartman! You're going to the
other universe!
KYLE
Which one is the good Cartman?
BOTH CARTMANS
I am!
STAN
Stop wasting time, Cartman! We have
to send one of you back to the evil
universe!
KYLE
Yeah! Now, which one of you is the Cartman
we can't stand?!
BOTH CARTMANS
He is!
CARTMAN ON LEFT
Time is running out. You'll have to
destroy us both.
CARTMAN ON RIGHT
What?!
CARTMAN ON LEFT
It's the only way you can be sure. We
have to both go, for the good of the
world.
CARTMAN ON RIGHT
Noooo! Screw you guys!
CARTMAN ON LEFT
How did you guys know?
STAN
Our Cartman would never say anything
like that.
CARTMAN
Haaa hahaha! You guys are hella stupid!
I knew you would fall for that!
KYLE
Oh no, dude!
STAN
You tricked us, Cartman!
CARTMAN
That's right, I did!
You guys are hella stupid
You guys are hella lame
You guys are hella dumb
Hella hella hella!
KYLE
Damn it!
[On the street, Randy walks with Officer Barbrady. The evil pets
are still attacking the townsfolk.]
RANDY
I'm sorry my wife held you captive,
officer. She's been upset 'cause her
Aunt Flo isn't gonna visit her anymore.
BARBRADY
Oh, I understand. I remember when my
wife stopped getting her monthly visitor.
RANDY
Uuuh, do you want your pants back?
BARBRADY
No. Just leave me with my dignity.
Okay, people, move along. Nothing to
see here.
[End of "Spooky Fish." Cartman sings "Best Friends"]
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