"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 505
"TERRANCE & PHILLIP: BEHIND THE BLOW"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Cartman's house, day. Cartman and his friends sit on the sofa
watching TV]
ANNOUNCER
And so, in her career filled with lies,
backstabbing, and whoring herself for
money, she learned that the price of
fame can be pleasing 65 men at once
in a dark, dirty alley. And so ends
"Punky Brewster, Behind The Blow."
CARTMAN
Whoa, bummer, dude.
KYLE
Okay, dude, it's 3:30.
ANNOUNCER 2
It's time for the Terrance & Phillip
Show!
THE BOYS
Yay!
PHILLIP
Excuse me, buddy.
TERRANCE
Why, did you fart? Oh, no!
STAN
Oh man, this is another rerun.
CARTMAN
Are you sure? I haven't seen it.
KYLE
Yeah, fatass, this is their famous Mechanic
sketch.
PHILLIP
I'm looking for a mechanic. Can you
tell me how to get to the auto garage?
TERRANCE
Sure, buddy! All you need to do is go
down to the , and that's how you get
to the auto garage!
PHILLIP
Can you tell me how to get to the auto
garage without farting?
TERRANCE
Sure. You go the same way except stick
your finger up your ass.
PHILLIP
No no no! I mean, could you tell me
the directions again without you farting?
TERRANCE
OOOH! Sure! Just stick your finger up
my ass.
PHILLIP
Alright, no problem, buddy. Now, tell
me: How do I get to the auto garage
to see a mechanic?
TERRANCE
You're at the auto garage. I am the
mechanic.
PHILLIP
Why the heck didn't you tell me you
were the mechanic?
STAN
Because I had an itch up my ass.
TERRANCE
Because I had an itch up my ass.
[Cut to next scene, where they are working on toilet plumbing]
TERRANCE
Terrance & Phillip will be right back...
PHILLIP
...after these messages.
[Cut to Cartman's living room]
STAN
When are they gonna make new ones?
ANNOUNCER 3
Hey kids, don't miss the greatest event
of the year! This Thursday night at
the Denver Coliseum, see Terrance and
Phillip LIVE! And in person
STAN
What's this?
Announcer 3 [scenes from various episodes appear] One night and
one night only, see all your favorite Terrance and Phillip bits
live! [Kenny starts babbling incoherently]
KYLE
Oh my God!
CARTMAN
You guys! Hey you guys! You guys!
STAN
Enough! I know!
ANNOUNCER
To order tickets, call TicketSlave NOW!!
KYLE
Write the number down! Write the number
down!!
[South Park Elementary, day. Class is ready to start, the kids
are in their seats. Kyle rushes to his seat]
STAN
Dude! Did you get 'em?
KYLE
I got 'em! Four tickets, 68th row, to
Terrance and Phillip! I waited in line
since 3 this morning!
CARTMAN
Awesome! Give me mine!
BUTTERS
Wow, yuh-you guys ore gonna see Terrance
and Phillip Live?
STAN
Yep. Tomorrow night.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright, children, let's settle down.
As you know, this coming Friday is Earth
Day. and I'm pleased to announce that
the national Earth Day organization
has chosen South Park as its location
for the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival.
CLASS
Oohh.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing
organization are here to tell you all
about it.
OLDER MAN
Hello children, I know you're all very
excited about having the Earth Day Brainwashing
Festival put on in your town.
YOUNGER MAN
You care very much about the earth,
don't you?
CLASS
Yes.
OLDER MAN
Good, because it's up to all of you
to get lots of people to come.and make
it look great. The festival is on Friday,
so we'll start getting it ready tomorrow
night.
KYLE
What??
YOUNGER MAN
We've all gotta pitch in
STAN
Ah, I'm sorry, but the four of us can't
help tomorrow night.
CARTMAN, KYLE, KENNY
Yeah.
OLDER MAN
You... what??
KYLE
Well we got tickets to see Terrance
and Phillip Live in Denver tomorrow
night. We paid forty bucks apiece for
them.
OLDER NAN
And Terrance and Phillip are more important
than Mother Earth?
CARTMAN
Well yeah, dude.
OLDER MAN
You don't care about Terrance and Phillip.
Nothing matters more than saving the
planet from Republicans. You don't
need to see Terrance and Phillip.
STAN
No, dude, we really, really do.
OLDER MAN
Their will is strong.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
I'm sorry, boys, but nothing's more
important than Earth Day.
KYLE
Uhuh, but that's why we're going.
STAN
Huh?
KYLE
Sww, w-we're the official presidents
of the Phillip and Terrance Fan Club.
A- and... we're... going to see them
tomorrow 'cause we can get them to perform
at the Earth Day festival.
YOUNGER MAN
You can get Terrance and Phillip to
perform? That would be great. Terrance
and Phillip would draw huge ratings
from children all over the country.
OLDER MAN
Very well, kids, we'll work on getting
the event ready here, and you go get
Terrance and Phillip.
THE BOYS
All right!
OLDER MAN
But I warn you: You'd better not promise
things to Earth Day people that you
can't deliver. Earth Day people can
be... eheheh very unforgiving.
KYLE
Heheh, heh, no problem, heh. No problem!
The Comedy of
Terrance and Phillip
[Denver Coliseum, the following night. The place is packed and
music plays in the background. The boys all sport their Terrance
and Phillip shirts, as do some other kids.]
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen! Put your hands
together for... Terrance!
TERRANCE
Hellooo, Den-ver!
KYLE
Wow, dude, Terrance got really fat.
STAN
Yeah, he looks terrible.
TERRANCE
How are we all feeling tonight? Pretty
good? Uh oh. Hey, do you all remember
this one?
"Doctor, doctor. I think I cracked my ass."
"Reallih? Let me take a look."
"Look closer." [farts, and laughs]
STAN
Uuuuhh.
CARTMAN
Where the hell is Phillip?! Phil-lip!
CARTMAN, KYLE
Phil-lip!
AUDIENCE
Phil-lip! Phil-lip! Phil-lip! Phil-lip!
TERRANCE
And now, for some classic Terrance
and Phillip comedy!
PHILLIP STAND-IN
Hello Terrance.
TERRANCE
Hello Phillip.
STAN
Phillip? That's not Phillip.
TERRANCE
Say, Phillip, I have a question for
you.
PHILLIP STAND-IN
Ho-okay, shoot.
KYLE
Dude, what the hell is going on?! Why
did they replace Phillip?
CARTMAN
I think this new guy's funny.
TERRANCE
And now here's a classic Terrance and
Phillip sketch that I wrote back in
'62.
PHILLIP STAND-IN
Excuse me, sir. Do you know Who farted?
TERRANCE
He sure did.
PHILLIP STAND-IN
What's the person's ?
TERRANCE
Who.
PHILLIP STAND-IN
The guy that farted!
TERRANCE
Who!
PHILLIP STAND-IN
The person that passed gas!
TERRANCE
Who passed gas!
PHILLIP STAND-IN
Now, why are you asking me?
TERRANCE
That's the man's name?
PHILLIP STAND-IN
That's Who's name?
TERRANCE
Yes!
PHILLIP STAND-IN
Something very terrible has happened
in the world of Terrance and Phillip,
and we've got to find out what.
PHILLIP STAND-IN
Look, buddy, all I'm trying to find
out is What's the guy's name that farted?
TERRANCE
Right, the guy that drank his own urine.
PHILLIP STAND-IN
Who?
[Denver Coliseum, later. Stan and friend walk down the corridors
backstage, heading to Terrance's dressing room]
STAN
Come on, guys, we're getting to the
bottm of this. 'Scuse us.
BOUNCER
Where do you think you're going?
KYLE
We have to talk to Terrance.
BOUNCER
Hyeah, right.
STAN
It's okay. We're the official presidents
of the Terrance and Phillip fan club.
BOUNCER
Then get in the "Official Presidents
of the Terrance and Phillip Fan Club"
line.
CARTMAN
Aw, dude, gay!
STAN
You don't understand: we saved Terrance
and Phillip's lives once.
BOUNCER
You and about a thousand other people
at one time or another. Now, get out
of my face!
CARTMAN
Racist!
STAN
Man, this sucks!
BOY IN GLASSES
Are you guys official presidents, too?
CARTMAN
Don't talk to us, kid.
KYLE
Hey! Look at that line! It's way shorter.
STAN
I don't think we're female groupies
or random sluts.
CARTMAN
Kenny's a random slut.
KYLE
Well, maybe we can sneak in over there.
Come on. Sshh.
[Terrance's dressing room. He and a groupie are making out on
the sofa, both moaning.]
TERRANCE
Mmm. Mmm, yummy. Mmm.
GROUPIE
It was so great meeting you. I feel
like we really shared something.
TERRANCE
We sure did, baby. Next?
OBESE WOMAN
Hello Terrance. I'm such a huuuge fan.
TERRANCE
You're a huge fan alright!
OBESE WOMAN
Can I just have you sign my breasts?
TERRANCE
But what do I get in return?
OBESE WOMAN
Whatever you want.
TERRANCE
Oh yeah. Oh, that's good, baby.
OBESE WOMAN
Oh, Terrance, I love you.
TERRANCE
You like that?
OBESE WOMAN
I love you!
TERRANCE
Yeah.
OBESE WOMAN
I LOVE you!
TERRANCE
Ah good.
OBESE WOMAN
I LOVE YOIU!!
TERRANCE
Yeah-
BOTH
OH!!!
CARTMAN
Agh! Wough! Man, it smells down there!
TERRANCE
Jesus Christ! That was fast! Well, what
should we name it? How about Jerry?
OBESE WOMAN
What the hell?
TERRANCE
Oh wow! We had quadruplets!
STAN
We're not quadruplets, Terrance. We
snuck in that woman's spandex to get
in here.
TERRANCE
Oh! Thank God. The last thing I need
is more kids. What do you want, an
autograph or something?
KYLE
Nuh, it's more important than that.
Our school is putting on a big show
for Earth Day, and we promised people
we could get you to perform.
TERRANCE
Earth Day, huh? That sounds like a very
noble cause. How much does it pay?
STAN
But where's Phillip?
TERRANCE
Who?
KYLE
Phillip, your partner.
TERRANCE
Why is it that every time somebody sees
me they have to say, "Hey, where's Phillip?"
Like we're freaking married or something!
You know, I'll let you tater-tots in
on a little secret: Phillip is a HACK!
You know who wrote all the Terrance
and Phillip stuff? ME! Phillip never
did anything but read his lines!
KYLE
But the guy who replaced him sucks!
TERRANCE
Ah, I know. I know he sucks To be
honest, things haven't been going so
well lately. I'm not making any money
because everyone wants to see Phillip.
Why? What the hell does Phillip do?
STAN
Becuase, dude, it's Terrance and Phillip.
TERRANCE
Ogh, whatever. The point is, Phillip
and I are through. And apparently,
so is the act. And so is the money.
STAN
What if we can get Phillip to agree
to get back together. Will you do the
Earth Day show for us?
TERRANCE
HA! Goood luck getting Phillip! He left
because he wanted to do "more serious"
stuff. Last I heard, he was doing Canadian
Shakespeare in Toronto.
KENNY
(Toronto?)
KYLE
But we promised the Earth Day people
you'd perform.
TERRANCE
Well, in that case, I'd say you four
boys are up Fart Creek without a paddle.
["SOUTH PARK
Home of Earth Day Celebration 2001,"
day. Booths are being set up for the
festival. The heads of the Earth Day
Brainwashing Festival make their rounds]
OLDER MAN
Work! Work, children! We only have
two more days until Earth Day! Work!
CLYDE
Ah, excuse me? My daddy is a geologist
and he says there actually isn't any
concrete evidence of global warming.
OLDER MAN
That's not true. Global warming is
going to kill us all. The Republicans
are responsible.
CLYDE
Thank you.
STAN
Oh no, dude.
OLDER MAN
Oh, there you are, boys. I need Terrance
and Phillip's information so I can tell
them their schedule.
KYLE
Uuuh, we didn't get them.
OLDER MAN
Youuu what?
STAN
They're not together anymore, dude.
YOUNGER MAN
You'd better be joking. We've already
announced their participation.
KYLE
Look, we could we could probably get
Terrance, but he'll be perfoming with
this other guy.
OLDER MAN
You promised us Terrance and Phillip!
We therefore promised the WORLD Terrance
and Phillip! You WILL get us Terrance
and Phillip, or else!
STAN
But there's nothing we can do. Phillip
is doing Shakespeare in Canada now.
OLDER MAN
Then you'd better get your asses to
Canada and GET him. We'll make travel
arrangements. Nothing is more important
than the environment, boys. Not even
your lives.
KYLE
Well, guys, I guess we're going to Canada.
CARTMAN
Weak.
PHILLIP
Ahhh
KING CLAUDIUS
Part them; they are incensed.
HAMLET
Nay, come, again.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
Aaaah!
OSRIC
Look to the queen there, buddih!
HORATIO
They bleed on both sides. How is it,
my lord?
OSRIC
How is't, Laertes?
LAERTES
Why, as a woodcock to mine own springe,
Osric;
I am justly kill'd with mine own treachery.
HAMLET
How does the queen?
KING CLAUDIUS
Hey guy, she swounds to see them bleed,
buddih.
QUEEN GERTRUDE
No, no, the drink, the drink,--O my
dear Hamlet,--
The drink, the drink! I am poison'd. Blagh! [dies]
HAMLET
O villany! Ho! let the door be lock'd:
Treachery! Seek it out.
LAERTES
It is here, Hamlet: Hamlet, thou art
slain;
No medicine in the world can do thee good;
In thee there is not half an hour of life;
The treacherous instrument is in thy hand,
Hath turn'd itself on me lo, here I lie,
NEVER TO RISE AGAIN
thy mother's poison'd:
I CAN NO MORE
the king, the king's to blame.
HAMLET
The point!--envenom'd too!
Then, venom, to thy work, buddih! [Stabs King Claudius]
ALL
Treason! treason!
KING CLAUDIUS
O, yet defend me, friends; I am but
hurt.
HAMLET
Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned
Dane,
Drink off this potion. Is thy union here?
Follow my mother.
KING CLAUDIUS
Blagh!
LAERTES
He is served;
It is a poison temper'd by himself.
Mine and my father's death come not upon thee,
Nor thine on me. Blagh! [dies]
HAMLET
Heaven make thee free of it! I follow
thee, guy.
I am dead, Horatio. Wretched queen, adieu!
You that look pale and tremble at this chance, buddih,
That are but mutes or audience to this act, [chuckles]
Had I but time--as this fell sergeant, death,
Is strict in his arrest--O, I could tell you, buddih--
But let it be. Horatio, I am dead;
Thou livest, guy; report me and my cause aright
To the unsatisfied. [chuckles]
HORATIO
Never believe it:
Here's yet some liquor left, buddih.
STAN
Jesus Tapdancing Christ, is this thing
ever gonna end?
HAMLET
...he has my dying voice;
So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less,
Which have solicited. The rest is silence. Blagh. [dies]
HORATIO
Now cracks a noble heart. Good night
sweet prince:
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest, buddih!...
[The parking lot. The play has ended. Phillip reaches his car
with square tires. Stan and the boys chase him down]
STAN
Phillip! Phillip!
PHILLIP
Yes?
STAN
Our town in Colorado was chosen to host
Earth Day this year and... we need a
big act.
PHILLIP
Oh, really? This run of Hamlet is closing
down, I'm afraid. We could take it there.
STAN
Ah, well, we were thinking how cool
it would be if you and Terrance got
back together for a reunion and-
PHILLIP
AH! Stop right there! I'm not doin'
nothin' with that fatass egomaniac!
STAN
But we need you!
PHILLIP
Ah, I'm sick of him taking credit for
all the work and not letting me change
the act. It's old and stale! I mean,
do you really think that fart jokes
are funny for that long?
CARTMAN
Look, if you don't come and do the show,
I'll make you eat your parents!
PHILLIP
Yeah, whatever, kid.
STAN
He'll do it, dude.
KYLE
Ah, look, Phillip. Everyone in South
Park just wants to see your serious
side.
PHILLIP
What?
THE OTHER BOYS
What?
KYLE
They told us that "Phillip. He's the
one with talent. Just get him for Earth
Day."
PHILLIP
Really? Well that sounds interesting.
How much does it pay?
STAN
Two thousand dollars.
PHILLIP
I'm in! Here, call me at this number
with the details. Gotta run!
STAN
Dude, you didn't tell him Terrance would
be there.
KYLE
I didn't see he wouldn't be there, either.
Look, all we have to do is get them
there, right? Once Terrance and Phillip
get together again, it'll be like old
times.
CARTMAN
Oh, Kyle, you just made a huge withdrawal
at the First Bank of Lies.
KYLE
Ih-it'll be okay.
[South Park, day. The kids put finishing touches on the various
booths. The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival make
their rounds again]
OLDER MAN
Work faster! Faster, children! Earth
Day is coming! Well, boys, it's rehearsal
time, and your Terrance and Phillip
haven't shown up.
KYLE
They said they'd come.
STAN
I'm sure they'll be here any minute.
OLDER MAN
Maybe you kids don't understand how
important Earth Day is for the future
of our planet. Maybe you need some convincing.
Carl?
KENNY
(AAAAHH!)
STAN
Oh my God!
PHILLIP
Excuse me, is this where the Earth
Day crap is happening?
KYLE
He's here!
OLDER MAN
Oh. Very good. Mr. Phillip, I am Jack
Farliss, head of the Earth Day Committee.
Thank you for being part of this important
event.
PHILLIP
Whatever. Where's my check?
TERRANCE
Alright, I'm here. Where do I-?
PHILLIP
What's HE doing here?
JACK
Alright, let's do a rehearsal so that
the camera crew can get a look at it.
KYLE
Uhhh-woo wow! Isn't this great? You
guys seeing each other again?
STAN
Ee yeah, you must have a lot of catchng
up to do. But let's rehearse first.
PHILLIP
So, this is your dong, huh, Terrance?!
TERRANCE
My doing?? These kids called me and
said it was your idea and that you wanted
to apologize.
KYLE
Please, you guys. This is for Earth
Day. You care about Mother Earth, don't
you?
PHILLIP
Well, what the hell? I already flew
all the way out here. But I want my
check made out to me, not both of us!
TERRANCE
Ditto!
STAN
Fine!
KYLE
See? I told you it would work.
JACK
Alright, we'll come off the speech about
the dying whales, and thennn, action!
TERRANCE
Doctor, doctor, I've cracked my ass.
PHILLIP
Really? Let me take a look.
TERRANCE
Look closer.
KYLE.
Haha, hahahaha. Hahaha.
PHILLIP
Yon fart doth smell of elderberry sweet.
Thou dost protes-
TERRANCE
Uh. What? That's not the line, asshole!
PHILLIP
You're right. It's a better one, asshole!
TERRANCE
Just do the bit right, dickface!
PHILLIP
Why don't you go eat some more pudding,
you fatass drug addict?!
TERRANCE
I may be fat but at least I didn't get
hair plugs!
PHILLIP
That's it! I ain't doin' nothin' with
Kuko the Whale!
TERRANCE
I never needed you in the first place,
yuh hack!
KYLE
You can't leave! The show starts soon!
JACK
Boys, you've got... three hours to get
those two back together. Do I need to
remind you what will happen if you don't?
Carl!
KENNY
(OOOWWW!)
KYLE
You bastards!
JACK
Good luck, boys.
CARTMAN
We've got to get them back together,
you guys. They could do this to us.
REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado,
where Earth Day 2001 is in full force.
Environmental awareness games, boths,
and of course, the entertainment on
stage, which is being broadcast live
all over the country. This eco-happy
crowd is thrilled and waiting in anticipation
for the arrival of Terrance and Phillip,
who are promised by these four boys.
JACK
What a touching and true song. You
know, it's true. Republicans are ruining
the earth.
CROWD
Republicans are ruining the earth.
JACK
Alright. Well, I thnk I know why most
of you tuned in today. How about some
Earth Day entertainment?!
KYLE
Hooray for the earth! We must protect
it. And now, as promised, here are
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP, on video!
CARL
On video?
NARRATOR
They were considered the best comedy
act in all of Canada. But a fast-paced
rocket ride to success would bring themto
the depths of despair. This is Terrance
and Phillip: Behind the Blow.
CROWD
fWow!
CARL
What the hell do you call this?!
KYLE
Eh it's "Terrance and Phillip: Behind
the Blow." I taped it last month.
JACK
We promised people Terrance and Phillip,
not a video documentary! You've ruined
the earth for the last time, boys!
THE BOYS
Aaaahh!
NARRATOR
Terrance was born Terrance Herny Stoot,
in the small Canadian village of Toronto.
At a very early age his parents noticed
an uncanny musical ability and decided
to enroll him in the Canadian School
for gifted babies. It was here that
he partnered up with Phillip Niles Argyle
, a brash young baby from Montreal.
Together, they performed musical acts
that stunned Canadians everywhere.
At the tender age of six, Terrance and
Phillip were off to the United States
to perform on the Ed Sullivan show .
where American audiences would be exposed
to Canadians for the first time.
ED SULLIVAN
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have
two adorable little boys from Canada.
Please put your hands together for the
music of young Terrance and Phillip.
TERRANCE & PHILLIP
Beef and lamb, chicken and ham
Step to the left and clap your hands!
Gosh we love our chicken and ham
Don't let it go to waste that chicken and ham!
WOMAN
Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?!
MAN
It's alright, darling, they're just
Canadian
WOMAN
Oooh.
TERRANCE & PHILLIP
Beef and lamb, chicken and ham
Step to the left and clap your hands!
Gosh we love our chicken and ham
Don't let it go to waste that chicken and ham!
NARRATOR
The Canadian act confused American audiences.
But then something happened that would
change Terrance and Phillip's act forever.
It was the birth of Canadian comedy.
Terrance and Phillip spent the next
several years perfecting their art,
and meetng some of America's most infuential
people.
PHILLIP
Excuse me, which way is the bus station?
MR. GARRISON
Hey, you're the guy on the screen.
PHILLIP
What?
NARRATOR
But it was in 1974, on the Sonny & Cher
Show, that Terrance and Phillip finally
started to mix their Canadian humor
with deep political insight.
SONNY
You know, Cher, a lot of us real Americans
don't know much about Canada
CHER
Well, a lot of us real Americans aren't
as stupid and short as you, hm.
SONNY
Please put your groovy hands together
for the young and talented Terrance
and Phillip!
PHILLIP
Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried aboot
all these Russians making missles. Maybe
we should stop this cold war.
TERRANCE
Here's a missile for ya!
PHILLIP
That's better.
NARRATOR
With this bold mix of humor and political
insight, the world couldn't get enough
of Terrance and Phillip. But their
fame would come at a price, when Behind
the Blow continues.
[South Park Elementary, front. The boys stop there to catch their
breaths]
STAN
Okay. Okay, I think we lost them.
KYLE
Jesus, man, those Earth Day people don't
screw around!
CARTMAN
Kyle, none of this would be happening
if you hadn't LIED in the first place!
You lied, and then you lied to cover
up your lie!
KYLE
I didn't see you complaining at the
time, fat boy!
STAN
Guys, we have no choice. We're gonna
have to move away. Environmental activists
don't use logic or reason.
CARL
There they are!
KYLE
Haaah!
KENNY
(Aahhh!)
STAN
Go! Run run run!
[South Park stage. Behind The Blow continues]
NARRATOR
As they entered their late teens, Terrance
and Phillip were already starting to
taste the sweet milk of success. But
the price of fame was looming, as Terrance
and Phillip: Behind the Blow continues.
The '70s and '80s were a good time
for young Terrance and Phillip. Their
act on the Donny and Marie Show earned
them a Nobel Peace Prize. They were
oin the cover of every magazine. And
then in 1998, even a saturday morning
cartoon was made, based on Terrance
and Phillip. Terrance and Phillip themselves
supplied the voices.
PHILLIP
Say Terrance, what should we do aboot
this strange planet we've crashed on?
TERRANCE
I don't know, Phillip. It looks like
the alien species here breathe an inert
gas.
PHILLIP
Oh oh, did you say what I thought you
said?
GOAT LEADER
As leader of the goat people, I have
seen my species nearly wiped out by
your dangerous gas.
PHILLIP
Wow, that sucks.
NARRATOR
The cartoon was such a huge success
that it started to breed confusion over
whether Terrance and Phillip were animated
characters or real people. And so, in
1998, the comedy team started work
on what they thought would be their
greatest achievement: A made-for-TV
movie written by and starring Terrance
and Phillip, called "Not Without My
Anus." It was their biggest project
to date. But it had the misfortune of
being scheduled on a night when a different
and more pupolar show, the John Schneider
Variety Hour , was supposed to air.
When fans tuned in to see John Schneider
and instead were treated to the Canadian
made-for-TV movie , they were enraged,
bewildered, and scared. The fans revolted
and burned down the network, killing
six television producers and wounding
twelve others. The hatred of Terrance
and Phillip had begun. Terrance fell
into a deep depression and started abusing
wod pulp Phillip beat up an angry six-year-old
fan and was sued for six million dollars.
It was the first time the duo tasted
failure , and it nearly killed them
both.
TERRANCE
What's going on here?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Sh. We're watching "Behind the Blow,"
m'kay.
[South Park. The boys run past Tom's Rhinoplasty, with the Earth
Day Committee in hot pursuit]
STAN
Come on, Kenny, hurry up!
[South Park stage. Behind The Blow continues. A shot of Mr. Garrison
and Phillip]
NARRATOR
After years of depression and suicide
attempts, Terrance and Phillip finally
decided to get together for one last
film: the 1999 hit, Asses of Fire.
It was one of the highest-grossing films
of the summer. And though the film
also started the Canadian-American War
of 1999 , in which eight million people
lost their lives, the film was conisdered
a great success. After almost being
executed by the Aemrican government
, Terrance and Phillip were eventually
returned to Canada , where they were
touted as heroes. They have been to
hell and back, through the very best
and the very worst of times, together,
but they had seen it through. And so
ends Terrance and Phillip, Behind the
Blow.
PHILLIP
Terrance...
TERRANCE
Oh, Phillip. You're still here, too.
PHILLIP
I was just watchng this video, I ah-.
You know, I've never seen it before.
TERRANCE
Me neither.
PHILLIP
We sssure did go through a lot together.
TERRANCE
We sure did.
PHILLIP
Terrance, I-
TERRANCE
No. No, Phillip, don't say it. I was
an asshole, and this is mostly my fault.
PHILLIP
That's what I was gonna say: You were
an asshole, and this is mostly your
fault. But, you were always the more
artistically driven of us; I ssshould've
put more into it than I did.
TERRANCE
No, Phillip, I really thought I did
everything. Until I- tried to do it
alone.
JACK
Think of all the endangered species
that will now vanish because of you!
Carl!
KENNY
(AH how!)
JACK
So long, boys!
KYLE
Wait! dude, LOOK!
TERRANCE
Thank you everyone, thank you! You know,
Phillip and I have learned an important
lesson: that when you go through a lot
with somebody, you can't let trite things
come between you.
PHILLIP
That's right, Terrance. You should only
let trite things come between your asscheeks
TERRANCE
Ohohoho, nohoho!
STAN
They're back!
CARTMAN
Alright!
JACK
Yes! Earth Day is saved, boys! Everything
worked out after all!
STAN
It sure did.
CARTMAN
Look, Kenny, everything turned out
okay!
KENNY
(Oh, well now that's sweet.)
PHILLIP
Say Terrance, can you tell me Who farted?
TERRANCE
He sure did, Phillip.
PHILLIP
NO, I'm asking you his name!
NARRATOR
And so, Terrance and Phillip got back
together, proving once and for all that
fame and fortune are never as important
as friendship.
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