"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 615
"THE BIGGEST DOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, night. A camera sits atop am ambulance transmiting
the action as the ambulance speeds down a street. It ends up
at Hall's Pass Hospital. The paramedics rush out and open the
cargo doors, quickly take Cartman out and whisk him into Emergency
while his mom remains seated anxiously inside the ambulance.]
LIANE
Be careful with my baby.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, inside. The paramedics reach the nurses'
station and rush by]
BLONDE NURSE
What have we got?
PARAMEDIC 1
Not sure. It looks like a possible
code five six!
CARTMAN
Kenny. Can't have Kenny.
LIANE
You're going to be okay, baby.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, operating room. Emergency personnel whisk
Cartman into the room. Liane enters, but stays near the door]
DR. DOCTOR
Five me 50 cc's of ketamine, STAT.
And get something for the kid, too.
LIANE
Is he going to be okay??
BRUNETE NURSE
Let the doctor do his work, ma'am.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, a few hours later. Cartman is now in one
of the recovery rooms with Liane at his side stroking him gently.
He's on a respirator for the time being. The doctor enters the
room slowly, but Liane notices and rises to meet him]
LIANE
Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong
with him?
DR. DOCTOR
I'm afraid he's... running out of time.
LIANE
Why?? What's wrong with him??
DR. DOCTOR
It's his time. It's ...running out.
LIANE
Well what does he need?
DR. DOCTOR
He needs to have more time.
LIANE
What can we do?
DR. DOCTOR
Well, I suppose we could try a time
transplant. I'll have to call in a specialist.
LIANE
It's going to be okay, baby. We're
going to get you more time.
CARTMAN
Ey Kenny! God-damn you Kenny!
[Chef's house, day. Stan and Kyle go up to the front door and
Kyle knocks. Chef opens up and sees them.]
CHEF
Hello there, children.
STAN
Chef, Cartman is in the hospital. They
think he might die.
KYLE
Yeah, and, we don't know whether or
not we should care.
CHEF
Well what's wrong with him?
STAN
Well, nobody seems to know, but we think
it's because he drank Kenny's soul four
weeks ago.
KYLE
Kenny's ashes were in an urn, and Cartman
drank it, thinking it was chocolate
milk mix.
CHEF
Children, why didn't you tell me about
this sooner?
KYLE
Well like we said, we didn't know whether
or not we should care?
CHEF
Well you should. Cartman is your friend
whether you like him or not! Now, come
on! We've gotta get to that hospital!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, Cartman's recovery room. Dr. Doctor has
returned]
LIANE
He's looking a little better today.
DR. DOCTOR
Yes, but his time is still getting weaker.
It will give out soon unless we do something.
CARTMAN
Hey you guys! How's it goin'?
CHEF
Cartman?
STAN
No, that's Kenny.
CARTMAN
What the hell are you assholes doing
here?!
STAN
That's Cartman.
CHEF
Oh my God! Eric, how long have you
been channelin' Kenny?
CARTMAN
Oh, about a month.
DR. DOCTOR
Let's not validate his delusions.
CHEF
Kenny? Kenny, do you know what you need
to get free?
CARTMAN
He's gone again.
CHEF
Ms. Cartman, we need to get Cartman
to a meeting room to speak with people
who have crossed over.
DR. DOCTOR
What?? That's preposterous! What this
child needs is a time transplant!
CHEF
This hospital isn't gonna do any good.
We need to take him to see John Edward.
STAN
Hey, I've seen that guy. He has a TV
show where he brings poeple on and talks
to their dead relatives.
CHEF
That's right. We have to go see him
in New York.
DR. DOCTOR
I warn you, Ms. Cartman. Your son's
time could give out at any minute. He
needs to be kept here where his time
could be monitored.
LIANE
Oooh, what should I do? I'm playing
roulette with my child's life! Ooo
wait, Hairspray is showing in New York,
isn't it? Let's go there.
CHEF
Good. You children need to come too.
Eric needs all the support he can get
right now.
KYLE
We're gong to New York?
[An airplane to New York, dawn. The plane is flying above the
clouds]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Welcome aboard Flight 673 to New York.
We are happy to show you a feature film
during the flight. In a moment we'll
be showing a preview.
KYLE
Oh cool. We get to watch a movie?
STAN
Awesome!
[The preview]
ANNOUNCER
Rob Shneider was an animal. Then he
was a woman. And now Rob Schneider
is... a stapler. And he's about to
find out... that being a stapler is
harder than it looks. Rob Schneider
is... The Stapler. Rated PG-13
STAN, KYLE
Weak!
CARTMAN
Ha-heheheh. That was Kenny laughing,
not me.
[New York, the skyline. Chef, Liane, and the boys arrive at an
HBC studio for John Edward]
CHEF
This must be the place.
PAGE
Okay audience members, hi, welcome to
the taping of the show. It's all general
seating in there, and just remember,
Mr. Edward might not hear from the particular
dead person you wanna talk to, so just...
keep an open mind.
CHEF
Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure he will
be able to help you.
[John Edward's studio, show set. The seats are all filled up]
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward.
JOHN EDWARD
Thank you, thank you. Alright let's
get started. 'S coming from over here.
'S the name Mike mean anything to anybody?
I'm getting um, I'm getting M-mike?
Definitely an M, d'um, maybe Matt? Mike?
Matt? Mi-mmm, Mi-Mike, m-Mary?
MAN 1
Mary was my mother!
JOHN EDWARD
Okay okay, and and she-she's she died?
MAN 1
Yes. Yeh-yes she did.
JOHN EDWARD
Okay, and she's telling me there's something
about... the money. That the, the money
is safe? Is that making sense?
MAN 1
M-mm-m. Not really.
JOHN EDWARD
Must be from somewhere else in the audience,
then. Uh, d'uh, money? Is someone el-
STAN
Uh, over here please?
KYLE
We have a dead friend.
JOHN EDWARD
Uh d'eh'hm quiet, quiet down boys. It
doesn't work that way. Uh, okay, I I'm
getting ...someone now whose name is
g-, a t-. It's an l-, it's a m-, it's
k-.
CARTMAN
Kenny!
JOHN EDWARD
Kenny says hi.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Wow! wow...
JOHN EDWARD
Okay, now I'm getting that Kenny ...died?
STAN
We told you that.
JOHN EDWARD
And, and this wasn't, this wasn't a
good death. It was like a, it was a
sad death. It was like a, it was like
a death that made people sad. Does that
make sense?
KYLE
Yee-yeah.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Oh, wow, that's incredible! Wow!
CHEF
Look uh, Mr. Edward, can you just ask
Kenny how we can get him out, please?
JOHN EDWARD
Doesn't work that way. Now, Kenny
is telling me that... you're his best
friends, and he's in a ss-safe place.
STAN
No no, he's trapped in Cartman's body.
JOHN EDWARD
Ohh, there's somebody with him. Who's
Kyle?
KYLE
I'm Kyle.
JOHN EDWARD
Oh right. And uh, did an older woman
pass, she's asking for Kyle? Maybe a
grandma?
KYLE
Yeah. My Grandma. She's here?
JOHN EDWARD
She says there was something she asked
you to do, and you're not doing it?
She wants you to look for four white
doves.
KYLE
Oh my God!
JOHN EDWARD
Oh now she's sending me a P word. Maybe
it's a puh-? Or a huh-?
WOMAN 1
My Harry died last year!
JOHN EDWARD
Oh, it's comin' from over here. I'm
getting all kinds of voices today.
Woo!
STAN
Heh hey wait a minute dude.
JOHN EDWARD
Okay now Harry. He's telling me... oh
well, he's saying that you two used
to... do things.
WOMAN 1
Mmm-hmm.
JOHN EDWARD
And that those things involved... stuff?
WOMAN 1
The things did involve stuff, yes.
[New York, outside John Edward's studio. Chef, Liane and the
boys exit. Kyle is missing]
CHEF
Aw man, I can't believe I got fooled
by that asshole!
STAN
He seemed better on TV?
CHEF
Yeah. They must edit his shows down
on television to only show him getting
mostly right answers.
KYLE
Grandma's watching me. Always watching
me.
STAN
Dude, you don't believe that guy talked
to your grandma, do you?
LIANE
Eric? It must be his time. I think
it's running out!
CHEF
We've got no choice. The only people
I know now who might be able to help
Eric are my parents. We'll have to take
the next flight to Scotland.
[New York Airport, day. The kids, Chef and Liane are ready for
their flights]
CHEF
Okay children, this is your flight
back to Colorado. Your parents are meeting
you at the airport in Denver.
STAN
We don't get to go to Scotland?
LIANE
It's too far and your parents want you
back home.
STAN
Oh well. Good luck getting Kenny out
of you, fatso.
CARTMAN
Thanks, asshole.
CHEF
Come on, we gotta catch our plane. You
children get right on that plane now.
ANNOUNCER
This is the final boarding annoucenment
for Flight 342 to Denver.
STAN
That's us. Come on.
KYLE
Four white birds!
STAN
Huh?
KYLE
There's four white birds! This is what
Grandma wants? She wants me to attend
Jewleeard.
STAN
Dude, you were going to see four white
birds eventually.
KYLE
So is it a coincidence that Grandma
DID talk to me about going to Jewleeard
someday?
STAN
Yes. Now, come on. Our plane is gonna
leave.
KYLE
I'm not going back.
STAN
What??
KYLE
I have to join Jewleeard and make Grandma
proud! Tell my parents I'll call them.
STAN
Kyle. No, Kyle! Aw crap!
[John Edward's estate, later. Stan arrives and goes to the front
door. Needless to say, he didn't get on the plane either. He
rings the bell and is greeted by the butler]
STAN
Hey, uh, I need to talk to Mr. Edward,
please.
BUTLER
He doesn't do private readings.
STAN
I'm not here for a reading, I just need
to ask him something real quick.
BUTLER
Alright, come on in.
[John Edward's estate, living room. Stan waits by the sofa]
BUTLER
Just wait here. I'll go fetch him.
STAN
Jesus Christ.
BUTLER
Here he is.
PRERECORDED VOICE
Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward.
JOHN EDWARD
Thank you, thank you.
STAN
Hey uh, I need to ask you a big favor.
You, you did a reading on my best friend
and uh, well you kind of messed him
up.
JOHN EDWARD
Oh. The John Edward show is not liable
for opinions and materials given for
entertainment purposes only.
STAN
Look, my friend Kyle won't fly back
home to Colorado. All I need you to
do is just talk to him and tell him,
you know, the whole talking to dead
people isn't for real.
JOHN EDWARD
Maybe it is for real.
STAN
Right, but it's not. It's a trick you
do and I need you to just let my friend
Kyle know that so he can go on with
his life.
JOHN EDWARD
Look, people have the right to be skeptical.
I really hear voices in my head.
STAN
Yes. We all hear voices in our heads.
It's called "intuition." Get over yourself
and tell my friend it's just for fun.
JOHN EDWARD
Look, what I do doesn't hurt anybody.
I give people closure and help them
cope with life.
STAN
No, you give them false hope and a belief
in something that isn't real.
JOHN EDWARD
But I'm a psychic.
STAN
No dude, you're a douche.
JOHN EDWARD
I'm not a douche! What if I really believe
that dead people talk to me?
STAN
Then you're a stupid douche
JOHN EDWARD
I think I've had of your bullying me!
Get out of my house or I'll runs upstairs,
lock myself in my panic room and call
the police!
STAN
I'm nine years old.
JOHN EDWARD
I'm not talking to your friend and I'm
not a douche! You'd better get out
of my house, 'cause I'm gonna call the
police!
STAN
You are so a douche! I'm nominating
you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe
award, you douche! Son of a bitch.
[An airplane to Scotland, day. The plane is flying above the
clouds. In the cabin, Cartman sits between Chef and Liane]
CARTMAN
Hey Kenny! Shut up, Kenny! You shut
up, fatass!
LIANE
Hang in there, sweetie. We'll be there
soon.
PILOT
Welcome aboard Scotland Air. Our trip
to Edinburgh should take about twelve
hours.
CARTMAN
Twelve hours?? Jesus Christ!
PILOT
In the meantime we'd like to show you
a complimentary film.
CARTMAN
Oh, good.
ANNOUNCER
Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive
With everything going for him. Only
problem is, he's about to become...
a carrot!
ROB SCHNEIDER
I'm a carrot!
ANNOUNCER
It's 24-carrot comedy.
ROB SCHNEIDER
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohh!
ANNOUNCER
Rob Schneider is a Carrot. Rated PG-13.
CARTMAN
Oh for the love of Christ. I wanna
watch, fat boy! No, Kenny, it's not
funny!
[The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle approaches the school.
Stan runs up to intercept him.]
STAN
Kyle! Kyle!
KYLE
Don't try and stop me, Stan! This is
what my grandma wants!
STAN
Look, I went and saw that John Edward
guy. He's just a big douche.
KYLE
He's not a douche! He talked to my grandma!
STAN
Kyle, you can't ruin your life based
on what some douchey psychic said. They
all just use a technique called "cold
reading." They've used it for hundreds
of years to make people believe them.
MAN 2
Hey, whoa now. John Edward is for real.
STAN
No, he's not.
WOMAN 2
Yeah. My sister told me he knew our
mother's name and when she died.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
John Edward? Oh yeah, I heard he walked
up to a guy on the street, and said
his dead father wanted to say "Happy
Birthday," and it WAS his birthday.
WOMAN 3
Yeah kid, how do you explain that?
STAN
Alright, look. I'll show you. I just
need a volunteer. How about you?
WOMAN 4
Oh-ho. Me?
STAN
Okay, I'm gonna pretend that a dead
person is talking to me about you, okay?
WOMAN 4
Okay.
STAN
Okay, watch, Kyle. Uh, it's an older
man, someone very close to you.
WOMAN 4
My father?
STAN
Does this month, November, hold a special
significance?
WOMAN 4
My birthday's in November!
STAN
Right, because he's saying, "Tell her
'Happy Brithday.'"
WOMAN 4
Oh my God.
STAN
See, Kyle? I just started with something
really vague. I chose an older man because
I'm betting that, based on this woman's
age, her father is most likely dead.
But if her father wasn't dead, I could
still say it was some other older man.
MAN 2
Well then how'd you know her birthday
was in November?
STAN
I didn't. I just asked her if November
meant anything. Her father could have
died in November, or Thanksgiving could
have been really special for them. But
I go with the birthday and validate
it now, as if I knew, by saying "He
wishes you a Happy Birthday."
WOMAN 4
What else does he say?
STAN
Okay, I'll just use an old standard.
He saying "the money. Stop worrying
about the money."
WOMAN 4
Oh my God! My sister and I have been
fighting over his inheritance.
WOMAN 3
That's amazing.
STAN
No it isn't! When a father dies, inheritance
is usually an issue, and money is something
everyone worries about.
MAN 3
That sounds a little too coincidental.
MAN 4
Yes. There's only one explanation. This
kid can communicate with the dead!
ADULTS
Wow!
STAN
What?!
MAN 2
Do me next. I wanna talk to my mother.
WOMAN 3
Can you try to reach my grandfather.
STAN
No wait.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
You have to tell me if my sister's in
a good place.
MAN 5
Yeah, help me out too, 'k?
MAN 6
I'm next. I'm next.
MAN 7
Hey, get out of my way!
MAN 8
Do me!
SCOUT
Kid, how would you like your own talking
to the dead show?
[Scotland, day, highlands. Night falls. Chef, Liane and Cartman
arrive at the McElroy manor and Chef knocks on the door. Bagpipes
that were playing stop. Mr. McElroy, Chef's dad, answers the
door]
CHEF
Hi Pop.
THOMAS MCELROY
Junior! Aw, son, it's good to see you
now.
CHEF
These are my friends, the Cartmans.
THOMAS
Well come on in out of the cold now.
There's heavy fog on the moors tonight.
Well, look what the cat dragged in,
Nelly.
NELLY
Oh, my baby come home!
CHEF
Hi, Momma!
NELLY
Lord, I thought you wasn't comin' till
nine.
CHEF
Mom, this is my friend, Ms. Cartman.
LIANE
Please, call me Liane.
NELLY
So nice to have you here, Liane.
THOMAS
And is this the children you told us
about?
CHEF
Yeah, Pop. This is Eric.
THOMAS
Well, let's see here now. Mhm, mhm,
mhm. Yeup! There's definitely more
than one children in there.
LIANE
Oh dear.
THOMAS
Nelly, you best have at it now.
NELLY
Oh Lord, and I just put the roast in
the oven, too. Ain't gonna have no
time now to baste it. Don't nobody blame
me, a woman can't bake no roast and
do everything else at the same time.
Can't say that the roast is gonna be
terrible, maybe just a little dry.
But I suppose we can make some extra
gravy to take the dryness out later.
THOMAS
Alright, children, stand up on this
chair now.
CARTMAN
Right now?
THOMAS
Yes, right now.
NELLY
Na kamaa karash meh nah-
CARTMAN
Whoa, whoa, watch it lady.
NELLY
Come out now. Come out now.
THOMAS
Just stay still, Eric. Mom knows what
she's doing.
NELLY
You all come out of there now.
["The Other Side"]
ANNOUNCER
At a vary young age one young boy learned
he had a special gift. This is "The
Other Side."
STAN
Okay, listen to me. Listen very carefully.
This is a trick that I am doing. Okay?
Watch. All I'm gonna do is say a name
that I'm gonna pick at random. Okay?
They want me to acknowledge Pete, or
Peter.
WOMAN 5
Yes! Yes, my Peter!
AUDIENCE
Wow!!
STAN
No! Stop clapping! All I did was pick
a random name and wait for somebody
in the audience to give a response.
Now that I see that there's a lone woman
crying, my instinct tells me Peter was
her husband. So I say, "Peter was your
husband?"
WOMAN 5
Yes, yes! Yes, my husband Peter!
AUDIENCE
Wow!!
WOMAN 6
Oh wow!
STAN
Stop it! I didn't do anything!
MAN 9
You knew Peter was dead!
STAN
I didn't start by saying Peter is dead!
I started by saying, "They want me to
acknowledge Peter." That could have
meant Peter was in the audience or that
Peter was somebody's friend, or Peter
had died. I couldn't be wrong, see?
Now, I can look at this woman and see
that she's fairly young, so odds are
her husband was fairly young when he
died. So I can say something like, "I'm
getting that Peter's death was very
untimely"
WOMAN 6
Yes, it was.
AUDIENCE
Wow!!
MAN 10
Amazing!
WOMAN 7
Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy.
STAN
Okay. Let's back up. Not literally!
[McElroy manor, night. Nelly is still working on Cartman. He's
laying on a bed, and Chef's dad helps in the exorcism]
THOMAS
In the name of all that is holy we command
this spirit be set free!
CARTMAN
Ahh, Aahhhh!
THOMAS
There we go! We're gettin' somethin'
now!
NELLY
Come on out, spirit. Go!
THOMAS
Come on out hyow! It's safe! Here it
comes! The spirit is comin' out hyuh!
NELLY
Oooo, that's the potatoes.
THOMAS
Well hold on the potatoes two seconds,
woman! The soul's comin' out hyuh!
It's almost done. Alright, son. Now
bring me the victim child!
CHEF
The victim child?
THOMAS
Yeah. You know, the child that we sacrifice
so we could Kenny's soul into its body.
NELLY
Oh Lord, they didn't bring a victim
child.
CHEF
Where were we gonna find a child to
secrifice?
NELLY
We weren't gonna ask you where you got
it from.
THOMAS
God-damnit! The spirit's out and it
don't have no where to go!
NELLY
Lord, Thomas, don't let it get on the
curtains.
[Movie trailer. First scene is a disco dance floor. Rob Schneider
is dancing around like John Travolta]
ANNOUNCER
Rob Schneider derp de derp. Derp de
derpity derpy derp. Until one day,
the derpa derpa derpaderp. Derp de
derp. da teedily dumb.
ROB SCHNEIDER
Whoa!
ANNOUNCER
From the creators of Der, and Tum Ta
Tittaly Tum Ta Too, Rob Schneider is
Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee
Dumb. Rated PG-13.
[The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle is studying. Stan approaches
him with a stack of papers]
STAN
Here. Look, Kyle. I found tons of testimonials
on the Internet saying that John Edward
has the entire studio wired to hear
what people are talking about before
the show. And, he pays actors to be
plants in the audience.
KYLE
You're just jealous he's a better psychic
than you.
STAN
Fine, I give up! You wanna stay in New
York?! Then go ahead!
JOHN EDWARD
So, you think you can talk to dead people
better than me, huh?!
STAN
No, I don't think either of us can.
JOHN EDWARD
They told me your show is getting better
ratings than mine, that you're saying
I'm a fraud on your show! You'd better
not ever call me a liar, or a fake,
or a douche again, or else I'll sue
you for slander!
STAN
I'm saying this to you, John Edward,
you are a liar, you are a fake, and
you are the biggest douche ever!
JOHN EDWARD
Everything I tell people is positive
and gives them hope! How does that make
me a douche?!
STAN
Because the big questions in life are
tough: Why are we here? Where are we
from? Where are we going? But if people
believe in asshole douchey liars like
you, we're never gonna find the real
answer to those questions. You aren't
just lying, you're slowing down the
progress of all mankind, you douche!
JOHN EDWARD
I'M NOT A DOUCHE! And I challenge you
to a psychic showdown! I'll prove to
the world that I'm psychic and you're
not!
STAN
Fine, douche!
JOHN EDWARD
I'm not a douche
[The McElroy manor, night. Kenny's spirit is now in the living
room flitting about. Thomas enters with a broom, swinging it
around to capture it somehow]
THOMAS
Well come on, the soul's in here! It
can't escape now. It's goin' to the
light! Unfortunately, it's the livin'
room light.
NELLY
I'll open a window, you try to chase
it out, Thomas.
THOMAS
Go on now, soul now!
NELLY
Here, spirit, come out the window.
I'll give you tree-fiddy.
THOMAS
Now don't go offerin' the soul no tree-fiddy,
woman!
NELLY
I'm just tryin' to persuade it.
THOMAS
Well I know, but you can at least start
at about two quarter or somethin' Aw
Christmas, there it goes again!
NELLY
It's headin' for the kitchen! Aw, Thomas,
the pot roast!
[The McElroy manor, kitchen. Kenny's spirit flits in and bounces
around the kitchen. The adults enter, hot on its trail]
THOMAS
Over here!
LIANE
Get it down.
NELLY
Don't let it get in the roast!
THOMAS
Oh. Well. I guess the child's a pot
roast now.
CHEF
What do we do with it now?
NELLY
Well I'll wrap it up with some plastic
wrap so you can take it home with ya.
Should last a few months in the freezer.
CARTMAN
Hey, ah I feel a lot better.
CHEF
Eric, you're okay!
LIANE
Oh, baby, your time is back!
NELLY
This child is clean.
[The John Edward studio]
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's "Psychic
Showdown." Here are John Edward, and
Stan Marsh.
JOHN EDWARD
Thank you. Alright, asshole! I know
you're here to try to throw me off,
so go ahead. Give my yoru best shot!
STAN
No, I don't wanna talk to you. I wanna
talk to the audience.
JOHN EDWARD
Wah-why?
STAN
You see, I learned something today.
At first I thought you were all stupid,
listening to this douche's advice, but
now I understand that you're all here
because you're scared. You're scared
of death and he offers you some kind
of understanding. You all want to believe
in it so much, I know you do. You find
comfort in the thought that your loved
ones are floating around trying to talk
to you, but thnk about it: Is that really
what you want? To just be floating around
after you die, having to talk to this
asshole? We need to recognize this
stuff for what it is: magic tricks.
Because whatever's really going on in
life and in death is much more amazing
than this douche.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Yes. Right. Yeah.
KYLE
You're right, Stan. My Grandma isn't
floating around, judging me and watching
what I do. She's dead. Dead and gone
forever.
STAN
Yeah.
JOHN EDWARD
But I do have a special power! I know
I do!
STAN
There's nothing special about you, dude.
Get over yourself.
JOHN EDWARD
God-damnit, I'm special!!
MAN 11
What the?
WOMAN 8
Aaaah!
LEAD ALIEN
Greetings from the Jannex Galaxy.
We seek the great John Edward.
JOHN EDWARD
Why that... that's me!
LEAD ALIEN
Sir, it is an honor to meet you.
JOHN EDWARD
Well, thank you very much!
STAN
No, it can't be.
LEAD ALIEN
I am Quagmar, and this is the Intergalactic
BDIU Committee. Mr. Edward, it is my
honor to inform you that you have been
nominated for Biggest Douche In the
Universe!
JOHN EDWARD
What?!
ALIEN 2
You are the first nominee from the
Milky Way Galaxy.
ALIEN 3
Congratulations!
STAN
Oh, dude!
ALIEN 2
If you step into our plabpa feed, we'll
give you a first-class ride to the awards
show.
JOHN EDWARD
No, wait! I'm not a douche! I make people
feel good about themselves! I give
people resolution!
STAN
Now do you people believe me?
MASN 12
Well I don't know. How did Edward know
my father died in March?
[Denver International Airport, day. Cartman, Liane, and Chef
exit the airport]
CARTMAN
God-damnit that was a long flight! I
thought we'd never get out of stinky-ass
smelly Scotland!
LIANE
Oh it's so good to have you acting like
yourself again, sweetie.
CHEF
Well, come on. We'd better get Kenny
back to his parents. Wait a minute.
Who's got the pot roast?
LIANE
I thought you got it.
CARTMAN
It's still in baggage claims!
CHEF
Aw, damnit! Come on! We've gotta find
him! Kenny!
[Commercial]
ANNOUNCER
Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular
comedic actor who seemed to have it
all, until one day, he came across
a pot roast, and his life changed forever.
Now he's sharing his body with an eight-year-old
boy. And he's about to find out that
being eight ain't so great. Rob Schneider
is KENNY! Rated PG-13.
[Somewhere in space...]
ANNOUNCER
Live, from the space station Xion, in
the Vuntlin Galaxy. It's the Biggest
Douche In the Universe Award!
LION-HEAD ALIEN
This year's nominees are...
BEE ALIEN
Quaglar the Desctructor, Andromeda
Galaxy, Planet J-11
LION-HEAD ALIEN
Damanta Unit 5, J-Lax Galaxy, Planet
Neeu.
DAMANTA UNIT 5
Derrr.
BEE ALIEN
John Edward, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet
Earth.
JOHN EDWARD
I'm not a douche!
LION-HEAD ALIEN
And finally, Ursula, the giant douche
from the Horsehead Nebula, Station
J-12.
BEE ALIEN
And the winner for Biggest Douche In
the Universe is... It's John Edward,
Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth!
JOHN EDWARD
Uh no, come on now!
FRANKENSTEIN ALIEN
Here he is, the Biggest Douche of the
Universe! In all the galaxies, there's
no bigger douche than you!
You've reached the top, the pinnacle of douchedom! Good going,
douche. Your dreams have come true!
ANNOUNCER
Da derpa derpa derpaderp. Da Derp Dee
Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb
THE END
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