"THE BIGGEST DOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE"
[South Park, night. A camera sits atop am ambulance transmiting
the action as the ambulance speeds down a street. It ends up
at Hall's Pass Hospital. The paramedics rush out and open the
cargo doors, quickly take Cartman out and whisk him into Emergency
while his mom remains seated anxiously inside the ambulance.]
Be careful with my baby.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, inside. The paramedics reach the nurses'
station and rush by]
What have we got?
Not sure. It looks like a possible
code five six!
Kenny. Can't have Kenny.
You're going to be okay, baby.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, operating room. Emergency personnel whisk
Cartman into the room. Liane enters, but stays near the door]
Five me 50 cc's of ketamine, STAT.
And get something for the kid, too.
Is he going to be okay??
Let the doctor do his work, ma'am.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, a few hours later. Cartman is now in one
of the recovery rooms with Liane at his side stroking him gently.
He's on a respirator for the time being. The doctor enters the
room slowly, but Liane notices and rises to meet him]
Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong
I'm afraid he's... running out of time.
Why?? What's wrong with him??
It's his time. It's ...running out.
Well what does he need?
He needs to have more time.
What can we do?
Well, I suppose we could try a time
transplant. I'll have to call in a specialist.
It's going to be okay, baby. We're
going to get you more time.
Ey Kenny! God-damn you Kenny!
[Chef's house, day. Stan and Kyle go up to the front door and
Kyle knocks. Chef opens up and sees them.]
Hello there, children.
Chef, Cartman is in the hospital. They
think he might die.
Yeah, and, we don't know whether or
not we should care.
Well what's wrong with him?
Well, nobody seems to know, but we think
it's because he drank Kenny's soul four
Kenny's ashes were in an urn, and Cartman
drank it, thinking it was chocolate
Children, why didn't you tell me about
Well like we said, we didn't know whether
or not we should care?
Well you should. Cartman is your friend
whether you like him or not! Now, come
on! We've gotta get to that hospital!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, Cartman's recovery room. Dr. Doctor has
He's looking a little better today.
Yes, but his time is still getting weaker.
It will give out soon unless we do something.
Hey you guys! How's it goin'?
No, that's Kenny.
What the hell are you assholes doing
Oh my God! Eric, how long have you
been channelin' Kenny?
Oh, about a month.
Let's not validate his delusions.
Kenny? Kenny, do you know what you need
to get free?
He's gone again.
Ms. Cartman, we need to get Cartman
to a meeting room to speak with people
who have crossed over.
What?? That's preposterous! What this
child needs is a time transplant!
This hospital isn't gonna do any good.
We need to take him to see John Edward.
Hey, I've seen that guy. He has a TV
show where he brings poeple on and talks
to their dead relatives.
That's right. We have to go see him
in New York.
I warn you, Ms. Cartman. Your son's
time could give out at any minute. He
needs to be kept here where his time
could be monitored.
Oooh, what should I do? I'm playing
roulette with my child's life! Ooo
wait, Hairspray is showing in New York,
isn't it? Let's go there.
Good. You children need to come too.
Eric needs all the support he can get
We're gong to New York?
[An airplane to New York, dawn. The plane is flying above the
Welcome aboard Flight 673 to New York.
We are happy to show you a feature film
during the flight. In a moment we'll
be showing a preview.
Oh cool. We get to watch a movie?
Rob Shneider was an animal. Then he
was a woman. And now Rob Schneider
is... a stapler. And he's about to
find out... that being a stapler is
harder than it looks. Rob Schneider
is... The Stapler. Rated PG-13
Ha-heheheh. That was Kenny laughing,
[New York, the skyline. Chef, Liane, and the boys arrive at an
HBC studio for John Edward]
This must be the place.
Okay audience members, hi, welcome to
the taping of the show. It's all general
seating in there, and just remember,
Mr. Edward might not hear from the particular
dead person you wanna talk to, so just...
keep an open mind.
Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure he will
be able to help you.
[John Edward's studio, show set. The seats are all filled up]
Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward.
Thank you, thank you. Alright let's
get started. 'S coming from over here.
'S the name Mike mean anything to anybody?
I'm getting um, I'm getting M-mike?
Definitely an M, d'um, maybe Matt? Mike?
Matt? Mi-mmm, Mi-Mike, m-Mary?
Mary was my mother!
Okay okay, and and she-she's she died?
Yes. Yeh-yes she did.
Okay, and she's telling me there's something
about... the money. That the, the money
is safe? Is that making sense?
M-mm-m. Not really.
Must be from somewhere else in the audience,
then. Uh, d'uh, money? Is someone el-
Uh, over here please?
We have a dead friend.
Uh d'eh'hm quiet, quiet down boys. It
doesn't work that way. Uh, okay, I I'm
getting ...someone now whose name is
g-, a t-. It's an l-, it's a m-, it's
Kenny says hi.
Okay, now I'm getting that Kenny ...died?
We told you that.
And, and this wasn't, this wasn't a
good death. It was like a, it was a
sad death. It was like a, it was like
a death that made people sad. Does that
Oh, wow, that's incredible! Wow!
Look uh, Mr. Edward, can you just ask
Kenny how we can get him out, please?
Doesn't work that way. Now, Kenny
is telling me that... you're his best
friends, and he's in a ss-safe place.
No no, he's trapped in Cartman's body.
Ohh, there's somebody with him. Who's
Oh right. And uh, did an older woman
pass, she's asking for Kyle? Maybe a
Yeah. My Grandma. She's here?
She says there was something she asked
you to do, and you're not doing it?
She wants you to look for four white
Oh my God!
Oh now she's sending me a P word. Maybe
it's a puh-? Or a huh-?
My Harry died last year!
Oh, it's comin' from over here. I'm
getting all kinds of voices today.
Heh hey wait a minute dude.
Okay now Harry. He's telling me... oh
well, he's saying that you two used
to... do things.
And that those things involved... stuff?
The things did involve stuff, yes.
[New York, outside John Edward's studio. Chef, Liane and the
boys exit. Kyle is missing]
Aw man, I can't believe I got fooled
by that asshole!
He seemed better on TV?
Yeah. They must edit his shows down
on television to only show him getting
mostly right answers.
Grandma's watching me. Always watching
Dude, you don't believe that guy talked
to your grandma, do you?
Eric? It must be his time. I think
it's running out!
We've got no choice. The only people
I know now who might be able to help
Eric are my parents. We'll have to take
the next flight to Scotland.
[New York Airport, day. The kids, Chef and Liane are ready for
Okay children, this is your flight
back to Colorado. Your parents are meeting
you at the airport in Denver.
We don't get to go to Scotland?
It's too far and your parents want you
Oh well. Good luck getting Kenny out
of you, fatso.
Come on, we gotta catch our plane. You
children get right on that plane now.
This is the final boarding annoucenment
for Flight 342 to Denver.
That's us. Come on.
Four white birds!
There's four white birds! This is what
Grandma wants? She wants me to attend
Dude, you were going to see four white
So is it a coincidence that Grandma
DID talk to me about going to Jewleeard
Yes. Now, come on. Our plane is gonna
I'm not going back.
I have to join Jewleeard and make Grandma
proud! Tell my parents I'll call them.
Kyle. No, Kyle! Aw crap!
[John Edward's estate, later. Stan arrives and goes to the front
door. Needless to say, he didn't get on the plane either. He
rings the bell and is greeted by the butler]
Hey, uh, I need to talk to Mr. Edward,
He doesn't do private readings.
I'm not here for a reading, I just need
to ask him something real quick.
Alright, come on in.
[John Edward's estate, living room. Stan waits by the sofa]
Just wait here. I'll go fetch him.
Here he is.
Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward.
Thank you, thank you.
Hey uh, I need to ask you a big favor.
You, you did a reading on my best friend
and uh, well you kind of messed him
Oh. The John Edward show is not liable
for opinions and materials given for
entertainment purposes only.
Look, my friend Kyle won't fly back
home to Colorado. All I need you to
do is just talk to him and tell him,
you know, the whole talking to dead
people isn't for real.
Maybe it is for real.
Right, but it's not. It's a trick you
do and I need you to just let my friend
Kyle know that so he can go on with
Look, people have the right to be skeptical.
I really hear voices in my head.
Yes. We all hear voices in our heads.
It's called "intuition." Get over yourself
and tell my friend it's just for fun.
Look, what I do doesn't hurt anybody.
I give people closure and help them
cope with life.
No, you give them false hope and a belief
in something that isn't real.
But I'm a psychic.
No dude, you're a douche.
I'm not a douche! What if I really believe
that dead people talk to me?
Then you're a stupid douche
I think I've had of your bullying me!
Get out of my house or I'll runs upstairs,
lock myself in my panic room and call
I'm nine years old.
I'm not talking to your friend and I'm
not a douche! You'd better get out
of my house, 'cause I'm gonna call the
You are so a douche! I'm nominating
you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe
award, you douche! Son of a bitch.
[An airplane to Scotland, day. The plane is flying above the
clouds. In the cabin, Cartman sits between Chef and Liane]
Hey Kenny! Shut up, Kenny! You shut
Hang in there, sweetie. We'll be there
Welcome aboard Scotland Air. Our trip
to Edinburgh should take about twelve
Twelve hours?? Jesus Christ!
In the meantime we'd like to show you
a complimentary film.
Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive
With everything going for him. Only
problem is, he's about to become...
I'm a carrot!
It's 24-carrot comedy.
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohh!
Rob Schneider is a Carrot. Rated PG-13.
Oh for the love of Christ. I wanna
watch, fat boy! No, Kenny, it's not
[The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle approaches the school.
Stan runs up to intercept him.]
Don't try and stop me, Stan! This is
what my grandma wants!
Look, I went and saw that John Edward
guy. He's just a big douche.
He's not a douche! He talked to my grandma!
Kyle, you can't ruin your life based
on what some douchey psychic said. They
all just use a technique called "cold
reading." They've used it for hundreds
of years to make people believe them.
Hey, whoa now. John Edward is for real.
No, he's not.
Yeah. My sister told me he knew our
mother's name and when she died.
John Edward? Oh yeah, I heard he walked
up to a guy on the street, and said
his dead father wanted to say "Happy
Birthday," and it WAS his birthday.
Yeah kid, how do you explain that?
Alright, look. I'll show you. I just
need a volunteer. How about you?
Okay, I'm gonna pretend that a dead
person is talking to me about you, okay?
Okay, watch, Kyle. Uh, it's an older
man, someone very close to you.
Does this month, November, hold a special
My birthday's in November!
Right, because he's saying, "Tell her
Oh my God.
See, Kyle? I just started with something
really vague. I chose an older man because
I'm betting that, based on this woman's
age, her father is most likely dead.
But if her father wasn't dead, I could
still say it was some other older man.
Well then how'd you know her birthday
was in November?
I didn't. I just asked her if November
meant anything. Her father could have
died in November, or Thanksgiving could
have been really special for them. But
I go with the birthday and validate
it now, as if I knew, by saying "He
wishes you a Happy Birthday."
What else does he say?
Okay, I'll just use an old standard.
He saying "the money. Stop worrying
about the money."
Oh my God! My sister and I have been
fighting over his inheritance.
No it isn't! When a father dies, inheritance
is usually an issue, and money is something
everyone worries about.
That sounds a little too coincidental.
Yes. There's only one explanation. This
kid can communicate with the dead!
Do me next. I wanna talk to my mother.
Can you try to reach my grandfather.
You have to tell me if my sister's in
a good place.
Yeah, help me out too, 'k?
I'm next. I'm next.
Hey, get out of my way!
Kid, how would you like your own talking
to the dead show?
[Scotland, day, highlands. Night falls. Chef, Liane and Cartman
arrive at the McElroy manor and Chef knocks on the door. Bagpipes
that were playing stop. Mr. McElroy, Chef's dad, answers the
Junior! Aw, son, it's good to see you
These are my friends, the Cartmans.
Well come on in out of the cold now.
There's heavy fog on the moors tonight.
Well, look what the cat dragged in,
Oh, my baby come home!
Lord, I thought you wasn't comin' till
Mom, this is my friend, Ms. Cartman.
Please, call me Liane.
So nice to have you here, Liane.
And is this the children you told us
Yeah, Pop. This is Eric.
Well, let's see here now. Mhm, mhm,
mhm. Yeup! There's definitely more
than one children in there.
Nelly, you best have at it now.
Oh Lord, and I just put the roast in
the oven, too. Ain't gonna have no
time now to baste it. Don't nobody blame
me, a woman can't bake no roast and
do everything else at the same time.
Can't say that the roast is gonna be
terrible, maybe just a little dry.
But I suppose we can make some extra
gravy to take the dryness out later.
Alright, children, stand up on this
Yes, right now.
Na kamaa karash meh nah-
Whoa, whoa, watch it lady.
Come out now. Come out now.
Just stay still, Eric. Mom knows what
You all come out of there now.
["The Other Side"]
At a vary young age one young boy learned
he had a special gift. This is "The
Okay, listen to me. Listen very carefully.
This is a trick that I am doing. Okay?
Watch. All I'm gonna do is say a name
that I'm gonna pick at random. Okay?
They want me to acknowledge Pete, or
Yes! Yes, my Peter!
No! Stop clapping! All I did was pick
a random name and wait for somebody
in the audience to give a response.
Now that I see that there's a lone woman
crying, my instinct tells me Peter was
her husband. So I say, "Peter was your
Yes, yes! Yes, my husband Peter!
Stop it! I didn't do anything!
You knew Peter was dead!
I didn't start by saying Peter is dead!
I started by saying, "They want me to
acknowledge Peter." That could have
meant Peter was in the audience or that
Peter was somebody's friend, or Peter
had died. I couldn't be wrong, see?
Now, I can look at this woman and see
that she's fairly young, so odds are
her husband was fairly young when he
died. So I can say something like, "I'm
getting that Peter's death was very
Yes, it was.
Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy.
Okay. Let's back up. Not literally!
[McElroy manor, night. Nelly is still working on Cartman. He's
laying on a bed, and Chef's dad helps in the exorcism]
In the name of all that is holy we command
this spirit be set free!
There we go! We're gettin' somethin'
Come on out, spirit. Go!
Come on out hyow! It's safe! Here it
comes! The spirit is comin' out hyuh!
Oooo, that's the potatoes.
Well hold on the potatoes two seconds,
woman! The soul's comin' out hyuh!
It's almost done. Alright, son. Now
bring me the victim child!
The victim child?
Yeah. You know, the child that we sacrifice
so we could Kenny's soul into its body.
Oh Lord, they didn't bring a victim
Where were we gonna find a child to
We weren't gonna ask you where you got
God-damnit! The spirit's out and it
don't have no where to go!
Lord, Thomas, don't let it get on the
[Movie trailer. First scene is a disco dance floor. Rob Schneider
is dancing around like John Travolta]
Rob Schneider derp de derp. Derp de
derpity derpy derp. Until one day,
the derpa derpa derpaderp. Derp de
derp. da teedily dumb.
From the creators of Der, and Tum Ta
Tittaly Tum Ta Too, Rob Schneider is
Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee
Dumb. Rated PG-13.
[The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle is studying. Stan approaches
him with a stack of papers]
Here. Look, Kyle. I found tons of testimonials
on the Internet saying that John Edward
has the entire studio wired to hear
what people are talking about before
the show. And, he pays actors to be
plants in the audience.
You're just jealous he's a better psychic
Fine, I give up! You wanna stay in New
York?! Then go ahead!
So, you think you can talk to dead people
better than me, huh?!
No, I don't think either of us can.
They told me your show is getting better
ratings than mine, that you're saying
I'm a fraud on your show! You'd better
not ever call me a liar, or a fake,
or a douche again, or else I'll sue
you for slander!
I'm saying this to you, John Edward,
you are a liar, you are a fake, and
you are the biggest douche ever!
Everything I tell people is positive
and gives them hope! How does that make
me a douche?!
Because the big questions in life are
tough: Why are we here? Where are we
from? Where are we going? But if people
believe in asshole douchey liars like
you, we're never gonna find the real
answer to those questions. You aren't
just lying, you're slowing down the
progress of all mankind, you douche!
I'M NOT A DOUCHE! And I challenge you
to a psychic showdown! I'll prove to
the world that I'm psychic and you're
I'm not a douche
[The McElroy manor, night. Kenny's spirit is now in the living
room flitting about. Thomas enters with a broom, swinging it
around to capture it somehow]
Well come on, the soul's in here! It
can't escape now. It's goin' to the
light! Unfortunately, it's the livin'
I'll open a window, you try to chase
it out, Thomas.
Go on now, soul now!
Here, spirit, come out the window.
I'll give you tree-fiddy.
Now don't go offerin' the soul no tree-fiddy,
I'm just tryin' to persuade it.
Well I know, but you can at least start
at about two quarter or somethin' Aw
Christmas, there it goes again!
It's headin' for the kitchen! Aw, Thomas,
the pot roast!
[The McElroy manor, kitchen. Kenny's spirit flits in and bounces
around the kitchen. The adults enter, hot on its trail]
Get it down.
Don't let it get in the roast!
Oh. Well. I guess the child's a pot
What do we do with it now?
Well I'll wrap it up with some plastic
wrap so you can take it home with ya.
Should last a few months in the freezer.
Hey, ah I feel a lot better.
Eric, you're okay!
Oh, baby, your time is back!
This child is clean.
[The John Edward studio]
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's "Psychic
Showdown." Here are John Edward, and
Thank you. Alright, asshole! I know
you're here to try to throw me off,
so go ahead. Give my yoru best shot!
No, I don't wanna talk to you. I wanna
talk to the audience.
You see, I learned something today.
At first I thought you were all stupid,
listening to this douche's advice, but
now I understand that you're all here
because you're scared. You're scared
of death and he offers you some kind
of understanding. You all want to believe
in it so much, I know you do. You find
comfort in the thought that your loved
ones are floating around trying to talk
to you, but thnk about it: Is that really
what you want? To just be floating around
after you die, having to talk to this
asshole? We need to recognize this
stuff for what it is: magic tricks.
Because whatever's really going on in
life and in death is much more amazing
than this douche.
Yes. Right. Yeah.
You're right, Stan. My Grandma isn't
floating around, judging me and watching
what I do. She's dead. Dead and gone
But I do have a special power! I know
There's nothing special about you, dude.
Get over yourself.
God-damnit, I'm special!!
Greetings from the Jannex Galaxy.
We seek the great John Edward.
Why that... that's me!
Sir, it is an honor to meet you.
Well, thank you very much!
No, it can't be.
I am Quagmar, and this is the Intergalactic
BDIU Committee. Mr. Edward, it is my
honor to inform you that you have been
nominated for Biggest Douche In the
You are the first nominee from the
Milky Way Galaxy.
If you step into our plabpa feed, we'll
give you a first-class ride to the awards
No, wait! I'm not a douche! I make people
feel good about themselves! I give
Now do you people believe me?
Well I don't know. How did Edward know
my father died in March?
[Denver International Airport, day. Cartman, Liane, and Chef
exit the airport]
God-damnit that was a long flight! I
thought we'd never get out of stinky-ass
Oh it's so good to have you acting like
yourself again, sweetie.
Well, come on. We'd better get Kenny
back to his parents. Wait a minute.
Who's got the pot roast?
I thought you got it.
It's still in baggage claims!
Aw, damnit! Come on! We've gotta find
Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular
comedic actor who seemed to have it
all, until one day, he came across
a pot roast, and his life changed forever.
Now he's sharing his body with an eight-year-old
boy. And he's about to find out that
being eight ain't so great. Rob Schneider
is KENNY! Rated PG-13.
[Somewhere in space...]
Live, from the space station Xion, in
the Vuntlin Galaxy. It's the Biggest
Douche In the Universe Award!
This year's nominees are...
Quaglar the Desctructor, Andromeda
Galaxy, Planet J-11
Damanta Unit 5, J-Lax Galaxy, Planet
DAMANTA UNIT 5
John Edward, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet
I'm not a douche!
And finally, Ursula, the giant douche
from the Horsehead Nebula, Station
And the winner for Biggest Douche In
the Universe is... It's John Edward,
Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth!
Uh no, come on now!
Here he is, the Biggest Douche of the
Universe! In all the galaxies, there's
no bigger douche than you!
You've reached the top, the pinnacle of douchedom! Good going,
douche. Your dreams have come true!
Da derpa derpa derpaderp. Da Derp Dee
Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb