"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 905
"THE LOSING EDGE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A baseball field in scenic Rocky Mountain territory. Stan is
on the pitching mound]
KYLE
This is is, Stan. If you strike this
kid out, we all get to go home.
[Announcer's Booth]
LOCAL ANNOUNCER 1
Now batting for Conifer is little Alan
Barkas.
[The bleachers]
RANDY
Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter heydn
no hit no hit can't hit can't hit can't
hit it can't hit it can't hit it.
MR. BARKAS
Hit it out of the park, Alan! South
Park sucks!
MR. DONOVAN
Just look at those boys out there,
lovin' the great game of baseball like
we did when we were kids.
[the field]
KYLE
Aw God, I'm so borrred.
BUTTERS
I see a ladybug- Hello lady ladybug.
UMPIRE
Strike.
MR. BARKAS
That was no strike! What the hell is
wrong with you, ref?
RANDY
Good call, ref! Good call!
MR. BARKAS
Come on, Alan! This pitcher throws like
a girl!
RANDY
What'd you say?!
MR. BARKAS
You heard me, asshole!
RANDY
You want me to kick your ass right here?!
SHARON
Randy, sit down.
MR. BARKAS
You want a piece of me?! 'Cause I'm
pretty sick of your Goddamned mouth!
RANDY
Whattaya wanna do, huh? Whattaya wanna
do?
SHARON
Randy, don't!
MR. BARKAS
You'd better shut up, asshole!
RANDY
I'm standin' right here! How do you
wanna handle it?
MR. BARKAS
I told you to SHUT UP!
STAN
Aw Jesus, not again.
[moments later]
KYLE
Come on, Stan! Just strike this kid
out so we can end the season!
UMPIRE
Strike three! You're out!
STAN
Yes! It's over! It's over!
LOCAL ANNOUNCER 1
That's it. South Park wins the game
4 to 0.
CARTMAN
We're done! No more baseball!
KYLE
No more boring baseball until next year!
STAN
We can start having fun again!
CARTMAN
All right, we did it!
STAN
We did it! We did it!
STEVEN
Yeah, we did it, boys! We did it! We're
going to the finals! Woohoo!
STAN
... What?
STEVEN
Well we won! That means we've got the
best record in the division!
KYLE'S FATHER
Congratulations, boys! You're goin'
on to the post-season. Woohoo!
CARTMAN
Post-season?
KYLE
Nobody said anything about a post-season.
TOM
There's more little-league baseball
for South Park! Yehheah!
STAN
No... NOOO!!
[Outside, after the game. Randy is hauled off to a waiting patrol
car, drunk and tattered. His pants are down to his ankles]
RANDY
This is for what?! Arresting me for
what?! I'm not allowed to stand up for
myself?! I thought this was America!
Huh?! Isn't this America!? I'm sorry,
I thought this was America!
[Whistlin' Willy's, night. The boys are gathered there for a
pizza dinner]
KYLE
I can't believe it. I can't believe
we have to keep on playing.
CARTMAN
Nobody told us if we win too many games
we'd go on to the finals!
STAN
Look, you guys, maybe it's not all that
bad.
CRAIG
Not all that bad?? How could you say
that?! You hate this game more than
any of us!
STAN
I know, but listen: the finals are all
sudden-deatn elimination, right? That
means as soon as we lose one game, our
season is over.
BUTTERS
Well yeah, but... we usually win.
CRAIG
All the other teams are worse than us.
JIMMY
Yeah. Let's face it, we're winners.
STAN
I know we can lose if we try.
KYLE
You mean, throw the game? You know how
our parents are about this sport.
BUTTERS
Yeah. My dad always said "It's Okay
to lose, but if you don't try, wuh you're
grounded, Mister."
THE OTHER BOYS
Yeah, uh huh.
STAN
Okay, so then we'll just tell the other
team quietly that we're gonna let them
win, and then we'll act like we're trying.
Our parents will never know.
BUTTERS
We'd better hope they never know, or
else there's gonna be heck to pay. Heck,
I tell ya!
[At the entrance of Whistlin' Willy's, the adults are gathered,
relaxing]
KYLE'S FATHER
Boy, that was great, wasn't it?!
MR. DONOVAN
Yeah, our boys really stuck it to 'em!
RANDY
Heeey!
MEN
Heeey!
STEVEN
You're out.
KYLE'S FATHER
How much was bail this time?
STAN
Hundred bucks, no big whoop.
RICHARD
Boy, you really beat the crap out of
that Conifer dad.
RANDY
Well somebody had to put that knucklehead
in his place.
STEVEN
Yeah, well, you'd better watch yourself
in the playoffs.
RANDY
Wha-what do you mean?
STEVEN
I mean, you always get in a fight with
scrappy redneck dats up here in the
mountains, but some of those Division
Two dads are tough!
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah, those dads get REALLY drunk and
obnoxious.
RANDY
I can fight anybody. I just need to
train. I just need to get in the best
shape of my life.
DJ
-the Beatles in the White Album in Helter
Skelter. Okay.
[Randy rises from the bed and sits up, leaves the bed and shrugs,
and wipes his nose a bit. He enters the kitchen, gets a glass,
then goes to the refrigerator. He gets three eggs, cracks them
open on the rim of the glass, and pours them into the glass.
He picks up the glass and moves off a bit, then pours the eggs
into a hot pan and scrambles them. He then picks up a beer, drinks,
burps, and farts]
[Fort Collins baseball field, night]
FC ANNOUNCER
We want to welcome all South Park parents
to Fort Collins, and the Little League
Division One Playoffs.
STAN
Uhh, hay guys, look, we don't wanna
win, so uh, here's a list of all the
pitches I'm gonna throw, in order.
FC TEAM
Ooooo!
FC FAT PLAYER
I don't think so, South Park
FC PITCHER
Yeah, you think we wanna win? Then we
have to keep playing this boring game!
FC TEAM
Yeah!
KYLE
You hate this game too?
FC BATTER
Yeah! And then we won the stupid regionals
and had to do this lousy-ass tournament!
FC CATCHER
We wanna play video games.
BUTTERS
Oh no!
STAN
Look! We're gonna be the losers tonight,
all right?!
FC PITCHER
I don't think so! There's no way you
can lose to us! We're going doowwn!
We're gonna get creeaamed!
KYLE
No, we're gonna get creamed!
FC BATTER
We'll just see about that!
SP TEAM
Oh yeah?
FC TEAM
Yeah!
RANDY
Oh boy, they're really gettin' into
each others' heads out there. Yeah!
Let's go, South Park! These Fort Collins
kids got nothin'! Wooo!
MR. PRATT
Come on, Fort Collins! Let 'em have
it! Yeah!
RANDY
Guess that's my guy. I can take him,
no problem.
CARTMAN
All right, hit one out of the park!
FC ANNOUNCER
And first up for Fort Collins is...
Morgan Pratt.
RANDY
Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter batteruuuuuuuupp
batterbatterbatterbatter!
MR. PRATT
Knock it out of the park, Morgan! Cream
these turds!
UMPIRE
Steerike!
RANDY
Yeah!
FC TEAM
Yeah, all right!
STAN
Damnit!
CARTMAN
Come on, kid, you gotta at least swing
at it.
MORGAN
No way! I'm striking out!
KYLE
Dude, he's not gonna swing! So just
throw balls. That way he'll have to
walk to first base.
UMPIRE
Ball!
CARTMAN
All right!
FC PITCHER
Morgan!
MORGAN
What?
FC PITCHER
You have to swing when it's a ball,
otherwise, you're gonna walk to first
base. Don't swing, only if it's a strike!
MORGAN
Well how the Sam Hell am I supposed
to know if he's gonna be throwing a
strike or a ball?!
FC PITCHER
You just have to guess.
MORGAN
Aw, Jesus!
CARTMAN
Ball. Balll.
UMPIRE
Steerike two!
STAN
No!
CARTMAN
That was no strike, that was a terrible
pitch! You need some Goddamned lasik
surgery!
RANDY
Attaway, South Park! They ain't swingin'
at nothin'!
MR. PRATT
Come on Fort Collins! This team can't
pitch! There you go, Morgan! Run run
run!
MORGAN
Aw damnit!
FC PITCHER
Why the hell did you swing at it?!
MORGAN
Well I thought he was gonna throw a
ball that time!
UMPIRE
Strike three! You're out!
FC BATTER 1
All right!
[Later. Fort Collins is pitching; The pitch is wide as Cartman
waits at bat]
UMPIRE
Ball four!
CARTMAN
What?!
RANDY
Walk to first! Woo!
CARTMAN
Aw Goddamnit!
UMPIRE
Safe!
KYLE
Crud!
RANDY
Fort Collins can't play!
MR. PRATT
Why don't you shut your mouth before
I kick your ass!
RANDY
Come on, let's go! I'm right here!
SHARON
Randy...
MR. PRATT
Sit down before you get hurt! Mother
bitch!
STAN
Goddamnit!
UMPIRE
Strike three!
FC ANNOUNCER
That's it. South Park wins the game.
STAN
Aw spit!
RANDY
Oh I'm sorry! Why don'tcha get 'im
on chars in America, I'm sorry!
[Greeley, CO, day, Greeley Field, home of the Tigers. Stan pitches,
the Greeley batter chases a pitch]
UMPIRE
Strike three. You're out.
GREELEY BATTER
Yeah!
GREELEY TEAM
All right! Yeah! Woohoo!
GREELEY MAN
Goddmanit Brian, swing!
RANDY
Greeley sucks! Greeley sucks!
[South Park is up. Its batter sees a ball and doesn't swing]
UMPIRE
Ball four!
BUTTERS
Aw hamburgers.
SP TEAM
God!
[on the field. The Greeley batter doesn't swing]
UMPIRE
Strike three!
CARTMAN
How the hell was that a strike?! Goddamnit,
he's going to first!
[After the game. Randy is hauled off a third time]
RANDY
What, is this a Communist country or
something?! I thought this was America!
[Pueblo, CO. day. A Pueblo batter swings and misses]
UMPIRE
ˇStrrrrike tres!
PUEBLO TEAM
Bueno bueno! Bueno! Espectacular!
PUEBLO DAD
ˇVamonos Pueblo! ˇViva la Pueblo!
RANDY
ˇPueblo, no bueno! ˇPueblo es muy mal!
UMPIRE
ˇBall cuatro, por favor!
RANDY
This is America! This is an honest America!
[Whistlin' Willy's. The team is at table again, but with a trophy
they didn't want. The adults begin to approach them]
STEVEN
Can you believe it, boys?! We're playing
in the State Championship Game!
KYLE
We're so proud of you kids!
CARTMAN
What happens if we win the State Championship
game?
STEVEN
Well, then your whole season starts
over, but on the national circuit! You
get to spend your whole summer playing
baseball!
KYLE
What??
MR. DONOVAN
You could do it, kids! We know you can
win State!
STEVEN
Then we'll spend the whole summer going
to Nebraska, and to Iowa, and Wyoming.
STAN
Oh no. No, no, no!
[Outside the restaurant, day. Randy stands by the curb looking
into space. He has a black eye. The doors open and Stan walks
out]
STAN
Dad? Dad, we need to talk.
RANDY
Can you believe it, Stan? State Championship
game. It's... the greatest thing ever.
STAN
Goddamnit.
RANDY
I've worked hard, believed in myself,
and now I'm gonna be fighting in a State
Championship game. This is gonna be
the biggest fight of my life.
[South Park News]
ANNOUNCER
This is News 4, at noon.
[Coors Field, in Denver]
ANCHOR TOM
The Colorado Little League State Championship
is being played this week. Two teams
of youngsters get to go head to head
at the major-league stadium downtown.
REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing here with the little
sluggers and some of their parents,
and I can;t tell you how excited they
are.
STAN
I don't suppose you guys want to win
this game.
DENVER PLAYER
Win? Why the hell would we want to win?
DENVER PLAYER 2
Yeah. Then we'd have to play this boring
game all summer.
REPORTER
Little Stan Marsh is the pitcher for
the South Park Little League team, and
Stan, how does it feel to be playing
for the State Championship?
STAN
Gay.
REPORTER
Mr. Marsh, you must be very proud of
your son.
RANDY
They've worked really hard to get here,
Chris, and, you know, I don't like to
really "trash-talk," but, I don't think
Denver has a chance.
REPORTER CHRIS
Oho, well, I'm sure some of the Denver
kids' parents would disagree with you
and your team-
BAT DAD
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! South Park is goin'
down! Feel it comin'! You ain't got
a chance, South Park! Here we go, Denver,
here we go! Huh, huh!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Who's that?
A WOMAN
That's Tom Nelson, one of the Denver
players' fathers. He goes to every game
in that ridiculous outfit and usually
drinks too much and gets into a fight.
TOM NELSON
There ain't no way some little mountain
kids can beat Denver. Not with my son
on second base!
REPORTER CHRIS
Oho, looks like we got some parental
trash talking going on here. Mr. Marsh,
any comments?
RANDY
Well I think that there's a uh...
TOM NELSON
Mr. Marsh?? Who wants to hear from a
Mr. Marsh?! Iii am the ultimate Little
League trash-talking father! Iii am
the Bat Dad!
DENVER COP
All right, Mr. Nelson, let's go, come
on.
TOM NELSON
Bat Dad knows no fear! Bat Dad knows
no pain! I want you, Marsh! I want you!!
REPORTER CHRIS
Well, tension is certainly high here,
but I guess everything will be decided
on the playing field.
RANDY
Oh my God.
DENVER PLAYER 3
Good luck! You're gonna need it.
DENVER PLAYER 4
Yeah, you can't lose to us. We're terrible.
KYLE
Dude, what are we gonna do?? We can't
win this game.
CARTMAN
Wiat. I've got it, you guys. A fifth
point in a sports movie, the team always
goes out and finds a really sweet player
to join their team.
CLYDE
Like that motorcycle kid in Bad News
Bears.
CARTMAN
Exactly right, Clyde. So what we need...
is to find somebody to join our team,
who totally sucks ass.
STAN
Hey yeah. We need to find the very worst
kid athlete in the whole world. Somebody
who can't possibly win.
CRAIG
But who?
KYLE
I know who.
[The airport, day]
ANNOUNCER
Announcing the arrival of flight six
seven three, from New York City.
KYLE 1
I'm baaack!
KYLE
There he is! Now, don't let him know
we think he's a loser, or else he won't
play.
KYLE 1
Hello, cousin Kyle. Oh Jesus, that flight
was terrible. They served a chicken
dish with hot sauce and it gave me gas.
KYLE
Dude, thanks for helping us out by joining
our team.
KYLE 1
Well, you said you needed my help to
win the big game, so here I am. I'll
need a wipe cloth if I'm gonna play,
though. Sometimes I sweat from holding
the bat for so long and then the heat
steams up my glasses.
CRAIG
He's perfect.
STAN
Yeah, with him on our team, we don't
stand a chance.
[Coors Field. No one is in there except Randy, who walks along
the stands looking around. He sees a sign that sais "Colorado
Little League State Championship." He moves along. Next, he's
at a beach far from Colorado looking at the sunset. He sneaks
back into his bedroom as Sharon sleeps, closes the door softly,
and sits on the side of the bed.]
RANDY
...I'm not gonna go.
SHARON
What?
RANDY
Stan's little league game, I'm... I'm
not gonna go.
SHARON
Why?
RANDY
I just... don't think I can, all right?
SHARON
You don't think you can?! This is the
biggest game of your son's life! Wny
wouldn't you go and support him? What-?
RANDY
Because I'm scared, all right?! You
wanna break me down?! You wanna hear
me say it?! I'm scared! I don't know
if I believe in myself anymore. I don't
know if I can take this guy, Sharon.
SHARON
So then, don't. You don't have to get
in fights with other parents at Little
League games! Just sit there and watch!
RANDY
Look, I get what you're trying to do.
You're trying to get me to realize that
I have to fight him because it's who
I am.
SHARON
No, I'm telling you you don't have to
get thrown out of games and make an
ass of yourself.
RANDY
I've lost the edge. I'm sorry, Sharon.
But you have to take Stan to his Little
League game alone.
[Coors Field, day]
ANNOUNCER
Welcoem to the Colorado Little League
State Championship Game! This must
be pretty exciting for these youngsters.
A chance to go to the national circuit.
DENVER PITCHER
You know what these guys look like to
me? A bunch of winners!
DENVER CATCHER
Yeah! We're about to get our asses kicked!
CARTMAN
I don't think so! You guys are way too
good! You're the best at this game!
DENVER PITCHER
You're the best!
KYLE
You guys are so good you'll probably
go all the way to win the national title!
DENVER PITCHER
Not a chance, 'cause we're gonna lose
to you right now!
BAT DAD
Here we go, Denver! These South Park
kids got nothin' on you! Let's go, Denver!
WOMAN
Chris, will you sit down?
ANNOUNCER
First up to bat for South Park, Kyle
Schwartz.
KYLE 1
Where do I stand?
UMPIRE
R-right over here.
KYLE 1
Don't throw the ball too fast, because
I might get startled and I have asthma.
UMPIRE
Strike 1!
SP TEAM
Yeah! All right!
KYLE 1
Jesus, not so close! That was three
feet from hitting me in the head!
SECOND BASEMAN
He's not gonna swing! Throw balls!
KYLE 1
Oh Jesus!
UMPIRE
Strike 2!
SP TEAM
Yeah!
STAN
Wow, he IS great at sucking.
CARTMAN
We're gonna lose! We're gonna lose!
KYLE 1
Don't throw it so hard or so close next
time! Is it cold out here? I think I
need a jacket.
UMPIRE
It's a bunt!
MR. DONOVAN
Run kid, run!
KYLE 1
Oh Jesus!
KYLE
Aw crap!
KYLE 1
I can't, I can't keep running like
this! I have corns in my feet!
STEVEN
Keep running, kid!
BAT DAD
Throw the ball to third, you idiots!
He's runnin' home!
UMPIRE
Safe!
KYLE 1
Oh Jesus, did you see that?? I hit a
homerun! High-five, everybody!
KYLE
Oh my God... their pitcher was able
to hit him right on the bat.
STAN
Dude, we had it all wrong. While we
spent all our time trying to make our
tean suck, these guys practiced and
got really good at sucking.
TOKEN
No!
MR. WILLIAMS
Yeeaahh! Go Token go!
[Denver is up to bat]
BAT DAD
All right, Denver! You're up to bat
now!
UMPIRE
Out!
DENVER TEAM
Yaaay!
KYLE
Jesus Christ! They can bat themselves
out! Our whole summer, dude. We have
to play this boring game all summer
long.
BUTTERS
Son of a biscuit!
[Coors field, later]
ANNOUNCER
It's the bottom of the last inning here
at Coors Field; the score is South Park
23, Denver 0.
UMPIRE
Strike 1!
BAT DAD
Come on, Denver! Get the lead out! Do
not cross the Bat Daaad!
KYLE'S FATHER
Geez I realy wish this guy would shut
up.
BAT DAD
Why don't you just go home, South Park?
You can't beat Denver!
A VOICE
Denver sucks ass! Come on, South Park!
These kids can't play! In fact, these
kids are terrible!
UMPIRE
Strike 2!
KYLE 1
Oh Jesus, we're gonna win! I I never
won a sport before; this is so exciting.
RANDY
It's over, Denver! South Park whupped
your ass!
BAT DAD
You'd better shut your mouth before
I shut it for you!
RANDY
What do you wanna do, huh?
STAN
This can't get any worse.
BAT DAD
Now for the finishing move! You're
about to be Bat-Dadded!
COMMENTATOR
It all comes down to this! South Park
is just one pitch away from being State
Champions. Oh geez, it looks like two
parents are fighting. They'd better
be careful. The Little League has a
no-tolerance policy.
UMPIRE
Stop! Stop, or you're gonna get your
teams disqualified!
STAN
Disqualified? Fight! Keep fighting!
UMPIRE 2
Break it up! Break it up! That's enough!
The next person that fights is getting
his team disqualified!
BAT DAD
He's done for anyway.
STAN
Come on, Dad! Get up!
KYLE
Get up! You have to fight!
UMPIRE 2
All right, come on! Let's play ball!
SP TEAM
Randy! Randy! Randy!
MICKEY
Get up, Randy! Get up, ya bum!
SHARON
Get up, Randy! Fight! Fight for me!
CROWD
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Randy! Randy! Randy!
RANDY
Hey Bat Dad! I didn't hear no bell.
SP TEAM
Yeah!
UMPIRE 2
Stop, stop right now! I'm warning you,
sir! That's it! That's it! South Park
is disqualified!
SP TEAM
Yeah!
SP ADULTS
Aww!
COMMENTATOR
South Park has been disqualified from
the game! Denver wins!
KYLE 1
We... We lost.
RANDY
What? I thought this was a free country!
STAN
Dad! You're the greatest.
THE END
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