"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 503
"THE SUPER BEST FRIENDS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, day. People mill around, but a group of them has
gathered around a magician, tall and slender, with a severe face]
MAGICIAN
Okay, Carol, put the card you picked
back into the deck so I can't see ittwah.
STAN
What's going on?
BUTTERS
Uh this feller David Blaine. He's doin'
magic tricks. Hey, where'd you get that
ice cream?
BLAINE
Okay, now hold this card up to the crowd.
Was that the card you picked?
CAROL
No, I'm sorry. I picked the four of
hearts.
BLAINE
Four of hearts? Really? Look again.
CAROL
Daa-ah!
CROWD
Oooohhhh!
WOMAN
Whoa
KYLE
That's pretty cool, dude!
CARTMAN
Who's this asshole?
KYLE
He's a magician named David Blaine,
dude. He kicks ass.
CARTMAN
Hey, where'd you guys get that ice cream?
BLAINE
Sir, c- could you come over here? Now,
what I want you to do, Mr...
JIMBO
Kern.
BLAINE
Mr. Kern, I want you to just... think
about a card. Pick any card, and picture
it in your mind.
JIMBO
O-kay.
BLAINE
Okay, jus... s think about your card.
okay, look at me. Look at me... Look
at me... okay, now reach up your ass.
JIMBO
Huh??
BLAINE
Go on, reach up your ass.
JIMBO
Uh, I don't feel nothin'.
BLAINE
Deeper.
JIMBO
Hhud. I don't feel... hello... wait...
wait...
BLAINE
Was that the card you picked?
JIMBO
Yes! Oh my God!
MAN
O-hoho!
KYLE
Wow, that's cool!
STAN
How'd he do that??
BLAINE
Thank you. I've been traveling from
town to town for quite a while. I've
started quite a following, mostly because
of my levitation tricktwah. Watch.
Watch.
CROWD
Whoa!!!
STAN
No way!
KYLE
Damn. That guy is the coolest guy in
the universe!
BLAINETOLOGIST
Pamphlet. Pamphlet. Here you go, kids,
take a pamphlet.
KYLE
"David Blaine Workshop. Learn all about
David Blaine at the Center for Magic."
Dude, we gotta go.
CARTMAN
Yeah, and they probably teach you how
to do magic tricks!
[The David Blaine Complex, in the middle of nowhere, day.]
SPEAKER
Hello, everyone. My name is Steven and
I've been a Blainetologist for about
three years. So, when David Blaine performed
his miracles out on the street, what
moved you the most?
STAN
His a-miracles?
STEVEN
Oh yes, you see, David Blaine is much
more than a magician. He's a scholar,
a visionary, a leader.
CARTMAN
When are we gonna learn magic tricks?
STAN
Yeah!
STEVEN
Oh, I've got a trick for you to learn:
I can show you how to make your true
self appear. Let me ask you all something:
Do you consider yourselves to be happy?
BUTTERS
I don't think I'm very happy. I always
fall asleep to the sounds of my own
screams.
STEVEN
...Right, yeh. Eh, see, the reason that
you are unha-
BUTTERS
And then I always get woken up in the
morning by the sounds of my own screams.
Do you think I'm unhappy?
STEVEN
Wait, the.. the point is... that you
can be happy. You see, your friends
and parents have programmed you in a
way that makes you feel isolated and
alone. How many times have you felt
like nobody knows the real... you?
You're not really happy.
KYLE
I'm not really happy.
STEVEN
Your potential hasn't even been reached.
KYLE
My potential hasn't even been reached.
STEVEN
If you look through David Blaine's
incredible book, you'll find a lot of
life's answers. Let's read some of the
book together, shall we?
CARTMAN
Then we get to be in David Blaine's
secret club?
STEVEN
That's right.
CARTMAN
Cool.
[Kyle's house, day. In the dining room, Sheila is trying to feed
Ike, who is in a baby chair.]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Ike, eat your gefilte fish.
IKE
No-oo.
KYLE
Mom. Mom. I found out all about this
great new magician named David Blaine:
KYLE'S MOTHER
That's nice, Kyle. Ike, eat!
KYLE
We spent all afternoon learning about
how we aren't actually happy. I had
no idea how unhappy I was until today.
They gave me this cool book to read,
and I'm already on chapter four..
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well, it's nice to see you so interested
in something, Kyle. Ike, for the love
of Abraham, you are gonna eat this.
KYLE
So can I go to the Magic Camp, to learn
how to become a full member? All the
other guys are doin' it, and it's only
$69.95.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Magic Camp? I don't know, bubbe, ask
your father. Ike, you will eat this!
[The David Blaine Complex, in the middle of nowhere, day. The
new recruits are having their hair shaved off their heads]
BARBER
Prepare to be cleansed and release the
magic inside you.
BUTTERS
I am prepared. Hoh, jeez, eh it sure
got cold in here.
BARBER
Next?
[The David Blaine Complex, main room]
STEVEN
Congratulations, young Blainetologists.
From this day, you are clean. Now,
we have very important work to do! David
Blaine is going to put on a big magic
show in Denver tonorrow night, where
he's going to eat his own head.
RECRUITS
Wow!
STEVEN
So it's up to all you new Blainetologists
to get as many people there as you can.
Whoever gets the most people to come
gets a prize!
STAN
Kyle, I'm starting to think that this
is a really bad idea.
BUTTERS
Ha-I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought
you were Kyle.
STAN
No, I'm Stan.
KYLE
You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
STAN
Who are you?
KYLE
I'm Kyle.
CARTMAN
Heheh, guess who I am, guys?
STAN
Kyle, I think we may have gotten into
something bad here.
KYLE
What do you mean? We're learning all
kinds of cool stuff.
STAN
Look at us, dude. These people are trying
to change us somehow. I think it's time
we went home.
KYLE
But David Blaine is gonna do more miracles
in Denver tomorrow..
STAN
I don't care! I'm leaving! 'Scuse me.
AIDE
Where are you going?
STAN
I'm going home.
AIDE
You don't want to go home.
STAN
You said we're free to leave whenever
we want
AIDE
You are.
STAN
Move out of the way.
AIDE
I'm not in the way. You are. Are you
unhappy with the Church's teachings?
Let's just talk about it
STAN
I don't wanna talk about it, I jus'
wanna leave.
AIDE
Why don't we go into the back room for
a second, and talk? Then you can leave.
STAN
That's okay, I... I changed my mind.
I'm... gonna stay.
AIDE
That's great news.
[The David Blaine Complex, dorm, night. Stan peers out from a
door into a hall.]
STAN
Okay, it's all clear.
KYLE
What are we doing?
STAN
We're getting out of here. This whole
thing has gotten way out of hand.
KYLE
Whoa whoa, I'm not going anywhere.
STAN
Come on, Kyle, this is stupid!
KYLE
It's not stupid, Stan. For once in my
life I feel like I'm part of something.
STAN
A part of what?! Some gaywad magician's
crazy life plan?!
KYLE
Don't call Mr. Blaine a gaywad! He's
a brlliant man
STAN
No, they just convinced you that he's
a brilliant man! Let's go!
KYLE
I'm not going anywhere!
STAN
Goddamnit, I'm not going with you! I
wanna stay here!
KYLE
Huh? I thought you wanted to leave!
STAN
Oh wait, who am I again?
KYLE
You're Stan.
STAN
Oh- oh yeah. God- Goddamnnit, hold on
a second. Okay. Now look, dude, I'm
getting out of here, and you're a dumbass
if you don't come back with me!
KYLE
Then I guess... I'm a dumbass.
STAN
Kyle, please.You- You're my best friend.
KYLE
Well, this is what I believe in now,
Stan. And if you can't respectr that,...
then I guess we're not best friends
anymore.
[South Park, next day. Cartman and Kyle walk down a sidewalk
visiting houses. They approach a pink house.]
KYLE
Hello, ma'am. My name is Kyle. And this
is Cartman. We'd like to share our interest
in David Blaine with you.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Uh oh. My husband warned me about you
Blainiacs. I'm sorry, but I'm a Catholic.
CARTMAN
Uh it... doesn't matter, ma'am. Blainetology
is for everyone. There are Blainetologists
who are Catholics, Buddhists - why even
Kyle here is a Goddamn Jew.
KYLE
That's right.
ELDERLY WOMAN
So you're not a cult?
CARTMAN
Of course, no. David Blaine is a real
person. You may have seen his television
specials on ABC. He also wrote a book,
and we'd like to share it with you.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Well, alright, come on in.
CARTMAN
Cool.
[Elderly woman's house, living room, moments later. The woman
and the two boys sit on the sofa. Kyle has his book open.]
KYLE
...And if you look here, you can see
how David Blaine performed the miracle
of being frozen in ice at Times Square.
CARTMAN
Ma'am, have you ever wondered what David
Blaine's plan is for you?
ELDERLY WOMAN
No, not really.
CARTMAN
Oh, you see, that, that's inteesting
because... I'm so thankful for David
Blaine's book, and, I'm so thankful
that he showed me the way to true happiness
but, I think about his plan often.
KYLE
David Blaine is doing a big performance
in Denver tomorrow night. We're sure
his magic will entertain and astound
you!
CARTMAN
He's going to eat his own head.
KYLE
How many tickets can we put you down
for?
ELDERLY WOMAN
Oh, I can't go.
CARTMAN
Oh, come on, it'll make you a happy
person.
ELDERLY WOMAN
I am happy.
CARTMAN
No you're not.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Yes I am.
CARTMAN
No you're not.
ELDERLY WOMAN
I really am.
CARTMAN
No you're not.
ELDERLY WOMAN
But I am.
CARTMAN
No you're not.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Alright, two tickets
KYLE
Great!
[Sidewalk. Kyle and Cartman exit the elderly woman's house]
KYLE
That's 15 people we got to agree to
come see David Blaine perform in Denver.
CARTMAN
Yes, Brother Kyle hmm, but our work
is not over. We must still recruit ten
more audience members in order to get
the prize.
KYLE
I think if we try Kenny's neighborhood,
we might find a-
CARTMAN
Come, Brother Kyle, we have no time
for him.
STAN
HaaAAAA!
DRIVER
You'd better watch yourself next time,
abandoner!
[Jesus' house, next day. Stan walks up and rings the doorbell]
STAN
Hi, Jesus. It's me,
STAN, JESUS
Stan Marsh.
JESUS
Of course. I know you, my child. Come
in.
[Jesus' house, living room. A pitcher of water sits on the coffee
table]
STAN
This guy is going around doing magic
tricks and saying they're miracles!
My friend Kyle thinks he's totally awesome!
JESUS
You're good to bring this to my attention,
Stan. Cults are a very dangerous thing.
STAN
I read in the Bible that you did miracles,
too. If you could go in front of these
people and do your miracles, then, they'll
all see that David Blaine isn't so special.
JESUS
The miracle I'm most famous for is turning
water into wine.
STAN
Can you do it agian?
JESUS
Very well. I shall perform the miracle.
Behold. Here you can see ordinary water,
clear, clean. Okay now, turn around.
Er, nuh, tur- turn around. Uh, okay
now, turn back. It is now wine!
STAN
That's it? That's how you did that trick?
JESUS
Wuh well, yeah.
STAN
That trick sucks, Jesus.
JESUS
Oh. Well, I guess it worked a little
better on people 2000 years ago.
STAN
Dude, we have to do something. This
guy is performing more miracles in Denver
tonight. He's gonna get more followers,
and it'll be impossible for me to get
Kyle out.
JESUS
Then let's go.
STAN
But dude, I'd I don't think you should
do that lame water-to-wine trick.
JESUS
Oh,don't worry I have a few more miracles
up my sleeve.
[Denver, night. An arena is shown, and the place is packed. Kyle
and Cartman are seated in the third row, with around Blainetologists
around them]
TONIGHT
MAGICIAN
DAVID BLAINE
KYLE
This is a really good turnout.
ANNOUNCER
And now, ladies and gentlemen, David
Blaine.
BLAINE
Hello, my children.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, may we have silence,
please, as magician David Blaine will
now eat... his... own... head.
KYLE
Dude, no way!
BLAINE
Thank you, everyone. Our organization
grows larger every day. Soon, the government
will even have to give us tax-exempt
status as a bona fide religion.
JESUS
Hold!
MAN
It's Jesus!
CARTMAN
What's he doin' here?
JESUS
My children, it is time for you to go
home and stop following this false prophet.
You should be using your money and time
for other things. These are simple magic
tricks. His magic is interesting, but
will it put food on your table? Feeding
the hungry - now that is a miracle!
Behold! I havd here fives loaves of
bread and three fish. Certainly not
enough to feed this entire crowd, but
now - turn around Ya need tuh- turn
around. Okay, now turn back.
CARTMAN
Now how the hell did he do that?
CROWD
Wow!
BLAINE
Your magic is old and outdated, Jesus!
twah. Just like you are.
JESUS
Oh, really. Then what's this Ace of
Spades doing behind your ear?
CROWD
Whoa.
JESUS
Jesus Christ!
ELDERLY WOMAN
He's incredible!
BLAINE
The old religions have failed you! twah.
What have they offered except for war,
poverty, and sadness? Blainetology offers
you the key to living your life to the
fullest! Will you join us?
CROWD
Yes!!
[The arena, outside. Jesus and Stan exit the arena]
JESUS
His magic is too powerful, Stanley.
I've never seen anything like it.
STAN
Then what are we going to do.
JESUS
I cannot face him alone. We must get
the help of all the super best friends.
Buddha. Buddha, come in!
STAN
Super best friends?
BUDDHA
This is Buddha, Jesus. Go ahead.
[A futuristic headquarters, somewhere... Jesus appears on a giant
screen as Buddha awaits Jesus' answer]
JESUS
Buddha, we may have a problem. I've
just encountered a magic I've never
seen before.
BUDDHA
I'll call everyone together. Come as
fast as you can.
JESUS
Come, Stanley. We must travel far and
long.
STAN
To where?
JESUS
Distances unfathomable to man. Yea,
take hold of my robe, Stanley, and do
not open your eyes.
STAN
I am ready.
[Insde an airplane. Jesus and Stan have center seats, and Stan's
eyes are still shut]
JESUS
Are you still keeping your eyes clsoed?
STAN
Yeah.
JESUS
Good. Want some peanuts?
[The David Blaine Complex, night. Blainetologists gather in the
main room, and a new member is having his hair shaved off]
KYLE
Congratulations, sister. You have heard
the noble truth and are now a Blainetologist.
STEVEN
Everyone! Everyone, gather 'round!
I have great news for all Blainetologists,
and for our new members as well. We've
just gotten word from Mr. Blaine himself:
The government has denied our church's
request for tax-exempt status!
MEMBER
But... we want tax-exempt status.
KYLE
Yeah. Why is that good news?
STEVEN
Be-cause! Mr. Blaine has arranged for
all Blainetologists members from every
city and state to march into Washington
and demand our right for tax-exepmt
status by committing a mass suicide!
KYLE
Mass suicide?
STEVEN
Mr. Blaine has said that by killing
ourselves in Washington, we are guaranteed
everylasting happiness in the afterlife!
MEMBER
Hehehe, that sounds good.
STEVEN
Get your thngs ready. We leave for Washington
at dawn!
CARTMAN
Did you hear that, guys? We're finally
gonna die!
[A blue sky in a big city. The camera pans down to show Jesus
and Stan in a park-like setting]
JESUS
Alright, Stanley. You can open your
eyes now. This is the hall of the super
best friends, Stanley, the headquarters
for those who stand for what's right.
MOHAMMED
Jesus, we've been working hard since
we got your distress call!
LOA TSE
Who the kid?
JESUS
Stanley, I want you to meet some of
the super best friends : Buddha, with
the powers of invisibility; Mohammed,
the Muslim prophet with the powers of
flame ; Krishna, the Hindu deity; Jospeh
Smith, the Mormom prophet; Lao Tse,
the found of Taoism ; and Sea-Man, with
the ability to breathe underwater and
link mentally with fish.
STAN
So you mean to tell me that even though
people fight and argue over different
religions, you guys are all actually
friends?
MOHAMMED
More than friends, young boy, we are
super best friends, with the desire
to fight for justice.
JOSEPH SMITH
We all believe in the power of good
over evil. Except for Buddha, of course,
who doesn't believe in evil.
STAN
Wow.
MOHAMMED
Jesus, come look at this. After your
distress call, we entered David Blaine
in the super best friends' computer.
SEA-MAN
Many interesting things showed up.
He was raised in New York city by a
decent family, but a freak washing-machine
accident at the age of 12 made him learn
the ways of the black arts.
BUDDHA
That's right, Seaman.
SEA-MAN
Sea Man!
BUDDHA
Uh that's what I said. Sea Man.
SEA-MAN
Stop it!
[The David Blaine Complex, dorm, night. Kyle walks up to Cartman's
bunk.]
KYLE
Cartman! Cartman, wake up! Cartman!
CARTMAN
No, Paula Poundstone! Leave me alone!
Eyuh! Uh?
KYLE
It's jsut me.
CARTMAN
Brother Kyle? Why do you disturb my
rest?
KYLE
Dude. I don't think I wanna be a part
of this anymore.
CARTMAN
What?
KYLE
I think Stan might've been right. Anyway,
I think it's going too far. I mean,
if I kill myself, it's gonna make my
family really sad.
CARTMAN
Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't
wanna die either. I haven't even gotten
my pubes yet.
KYLE
I thnk we should bail. If we leave the
group, maybe other people will get the
courage to leave, too.
CARTMAN
That co- ugh. That could be difficult,
Brother Kyle. But alright, listen: Why
don't we sleep on it? If we decide to
leave the faction, we can... do it in
the morning.
KYLE
Okay. Okay, you're right. Oh uh Cartman:
thanks. Cartman? What the hell?
[The David Blaine Complex, main room. The Blainetologists and
Cartman look on.]
CARTMAN
I told on yoo-ou. I told on yoo-ou.
KYLE
What have you done, Cartman?!
CARTMAN
This is for your own good, Brother Kyle.
BLAINE
You must understand, brother Kyle, twah,
you know too much about the Church.
If you left now, you'd become a danger
to our cause.
CARTMAN
Ah, and you know what else Kyle said?
Um Kyyyle, he said that if we were all
gonna commit suicide, that he wouldn't
do iiit.
KYLE
Cartman, you fatass tattle-tale!
CARTMAN
At least I'm not the boy in the plastic
bubble!
BLAINE
The suicide pact will go as planned.
If we die, we all die together.
[the Hall of the Super Best Friends, day.]
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, at the Hall of Super Best
Friends...
JOSEPH SMITH
Look at that, Jesus. His followers are
growing at a rate even faster than mine!
It appears this David Blaine is as dangerous
as you and your young friend had feared.
STAN
I knew it.
JESUS
Here. I have a videotape of his performance
the other night.
JOSEPH SMITH
Perhaps we should have Moses look at
the tape and see what he comes up with.
MOHAMMED
Moses, scan this tape. Can you tell
us the source of Blaine's power?
MOSES
Give me the information.
STAN
Wow, the Moses.
MOSES
His magic is a combination of centrifugal
line and sleight of hand. Wait a minute:
I'm picking up movement from Blainetologists
from all over the country.
LAO TSE
The Blainetologists are heading to Washington.
But why?
JESUS
Wait a minute. At his performance David
Blaine said something about trying to
get tax-exempt status.
JOSEPH SMITH
Omigod!
LAO TSE
What?
JOSEPH SMITH
If he gets tax-exempt status, then he'll
become a real religion.
KRISHNA
He would become unstoppable
[Washington D.C., day. The Blainetologists have gathered around
the Reflecting Pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial]
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, in the nation's capital,
Blainetologists from all over the country
have gathered to commit mass suicide!
BLAINE
If the government will not give us
tax-exempt status, then we must prove
that we are willing to die for our beliefs,
twah.
STEVEN
Alright, brothers and sisters, gather
around. It's time to drown ourselves
in the Reflecting Pool! However, the-ah
Reflecting Pool is a little more shallow
than we originally thought, so to drown
ourselves, you will need to lie on your
stomach, face down, until you die, as
such.
MAN
Next!
[The White House, day. The White House staff gathers at one of
the windows to watch. Shown are Princess, Luara and George W.
Bush, Karl Rove, and Maggie]
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, at the White House...
KARL ROVE
Mr. President, we can't let them all
kill themselves!
GEORGE BUSH
Well we can't give them tax-exempt status,
either, Karl!
LARRY
He-e-ey George! What's gon' on?
[Washington D.C., day. Cartman gets ready to flood Kyle, who's
still in the glass dome, with a fire hose. More corpses float
in the Reflecting Pool]
CARTMAN
Alright, Brother Kyle, it is time for
us to die!
KYLE
Cartman! We've been brainwashed, don't
you see? We don't have to do this!
CARTMAN
But it's the only way for us to be
happy.
KYLE
Cartman, no!
[The Reflecting Pool, later]
BLAINE
Give us what we want or we will continue
to die
JESUS
Not so fast, David Blaine!
BLAINE
Jesus! Not again.
JESUS
Yes! But this time, I've brought some
help! Super Best Friends!
BUDDHA
Buddha!
MOHAMMED
Mohammed!
JOSEPH SMITH
Joseph Smith!
KRISHNA
Krishna!
LAO TSE
Lao Tse!
SEA-MAN
Sea-Man!
JESUS
The mass suicide is over, Blaine! And
so are you!
BLAINE
I don't think so. Get them!
JOSEPH SMITH
My ice breath should take care of you.
STAN
Kyle! Kyle!
BLAINETOLOGIST
Sweet Salvation!
STAN
Kyle?? Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards!
STAN
Kyle? Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards!
STAN
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
JESUS
That takes care of them.
JOSEPH SMITH
Now it's your turn, Blaine!
BLAINE
Perhaps you need to see some real magic.
LINCOLN
Raaargh!
BUDDHA
Oh this looks like trouble.
BLAINE
So long, Super Best Fools!
STAN
Kyle!
KYLE
Stan!
STAN
Kyle, you can't kill yourself!
KYLE
I don't want to kill myself. They rigged
this thing to fill with water!
JESUS
We've gotta stop that oversized Abraham
Lincoln! Mohammed! Great Scott!
CARTMAN
Bliegh! Yugh. Uh, okay, try agian.
Hep .
[Shot of Washington D.C. from the Vietnam Memorial. Lincoln is
taking buildings off their foundations and tossing them aside.
Krishna, in the form of an eagle, flies over the scene. Flames
are everywhere.]
MOHAMMED
It is too powerful, Jesus!
KRISHNA
It seems to have no weakness!
JESUS
There has to be a way to destroy it.
Jesus to Moses!
[The Hall of Super Best Friends, day, at that moment]
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, at the Super Best Friends
League...
JESUS
Come in, Moses!
MOSES
What?
JESUS
We need to know how to kill a giant
stone Abraham Lincoln.
MOSES
...Um... Let me think, um... a giant
stone John Wilkes Booth?
JESUS
You heard him, Super Best Friends!
We've got to make a giant stone John
Wilkes Booth!
MOHAMMED
Krishna, we're going to need wood for
a mold!
KRISHNA
Form of... a beaver!
MOHAMMED
I will find sources to concrete. You,
get the water to mix it with, Seaman.
NARRATOR
Using the wood that Krishna cut down
as a beaver, Jesus uses his master carpentry
skills to make a giant mold.
JESUS
That should do the trick. Now for some
concrete.
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, in the ocean depths, Seaman
seeks out water to mix with the concrete.
SEA-MAN
Sea-Man! Look, Swallow, we should be
able to divert the water with that pipe.
NARRATOR
And so, Seaman and Swallow get to...
get to work
[The Reflecting Pool, later. Water fills the bubble Kyle is in,
and he struggles to breathe]
STAN
Kyle, you have to hold yoru breath!
Oh, very funny!
JESUS
Lao Tse, bring it to life.
NARRATOR
Using his power of Taoism, Lao Tse becomes
one with the giant stone John Wilkes
Booth.
KYLE
Wagh.
JESUS
It worked. Now freeze over the pool
so no one else can drown themselves!
CARTMAN
Hey, I was just about to do it.
[The Reflecting Pool, later. The crowd of Blainetologists is
still there, and the water has melted]
NARRATOR
Later, at the exact same location...
BLAINE
Damn you, Super Best Friends!
JESUS
Your magic is no match for our powers
combined, Blaine!
BLAINE
Then I guess you win this time, Super
Best Fools! But I'll be back!
JESUS
Goddamnit!
BUDDHA
It's alright. Everything is as it should
be.
JESUS
Oh, shut up, Buddha!
STEVEN
Our leader, he... he's leaving us!
BLAINETOLOGIST
Don't leave us, David Blaine!
STAN
Listen up, everyone! You don't need
David Blaine to tell you how to live.
See, cults are dangerous because they
promise you hope, happiness and, maybe
even an afterlife. But in return, they
demand you pay money. Any religion that
requires you to pay money in order to
move up and... learn its tenets is wrong.
See, all religions have something valuable
to teach, but, just like the Super Best
Friends learned, it requires a little
bit of them all.
BLAINETOLOGIST
He's right. He... he's right!
KYLE
Thanks for savign us Stan. You're my
Super Best Friend.
STAN
Your my Super Best Friend too, Kyle.
CARTMAN
Oh, that's so sweet you guys. You wanna
go get a room so you can make out for
a while? Heheheheheh
KYLE
Haha, hehahaha.
CARTMAN
Ah! Ow, stop it! Ah!
JESUS
Well, it looks like everything worked
out.
NARRATOR
And so, Jesus and his companios leave
Washington. But their return is assured,
for there will always be a need for...
the Super Best Friends!
THE END
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