"THE WACKY MOLESTATION ADVENTURE"
[South Park, day, Kyle's house. Kyle is playing football with
Ike on the front lawn. The football rests in front of Ike]
Come on. Throw the football, Ike.
No on dahdo.
Dude! You're not gonna believe what
No, dickhole. Four tickets, 28th row,
for the Raging Pussies!
...You got Raging Pussies tickets??
We're going tomorrow night! Cartman's
got the bus schedule all figured out!
Hold on. I'll be right back.
[Kyle's house, living room. On the sofa Gerald reads a newspaper,
Sheila reads a book. Kyle rushes up to them]
Mom, Dad, can I go with the guys to
see the Raging Pussies?
But all the guys are going!
Kyle, you're not old enough, and those
concerts are dangerous and vile.
But Mom, I-
The answer is no, Kyle!
[Kyle's house, front lawn. Kyle rejoins the boys]
My parents said I can't go.
Well, of course your parents said you
Dummy, you don't ask if you can go!
I'm telling my parents I'm staying at
Stan's house, Stan's telling his parents
he's staying at Kenny's house, and Kenny's
not telling his parents anything, 'cause
they're alcoholics and they don't care!
Ah. Oh, now I already told them.
Well, I guess you're screwed, then.
No! It's alright! Just give me some
time to work on them. I'll see you guys
[Kyle's house, living room. Kyle tries to persuade his parents]
...But what if I do a bunchof chores around
the house? Come on, you're being unfair!
Alright. Fine, Kyle, you can go to the
Raging Pussies concert if you clean
out the garage, shovel the driveway
and bring democracy to Cuba!
A communist country run by a dictator
named Fidel Castro.
And do I have to shovel the whole driveway,
or just the side the car is on?
The whole thing.
[Kyle's house, his bedroom, night. He's at his desk writing a
letter. He's done his other chores]
DEAR MR. CASTRO
My name is Kyle.
I am an eight-year-old American boy who lives in South Park.
[Centro Nacional de Cuba. Castro, flanked by an armed guard on
each side, is at his desk reading Kyle's letter]
And if I had just one wish, just one wish in the whole world,
If I had one wish it'd be for Cuba to change.
[Castro sees a drawing of a sad Kyle holding a flower, which
fades to a sad Kyle writing his letter]
Because I think that all the Cubans are in pain
All the joy in the world, from sea to shining sea
[Kyle finishes a drawing of a sad rainbow coalition atop a world
Doesn't mean a thing if Cubans aren't free
[Castro see a drawing of a sad Kyle inside a small house]
I just can't be very happy, that's certain
[A picture of Kyle replaces his self-portrait on the paper]
Not as long as your Cubans are hurtin'
[Kyle finishes one last drawing of himself, which Castro sees
Oh, won't you search your soul and find a way to change your
That is my one and only wish.
¡¡Llamen a todos junto!!
[Kyle's house, living room, next day. He and his parents watch
TV and a news brief comes on. Kyle smiles, his parents are stuned]
Reporter Once again, this does marks the end of Communism in
Cuba. Cuban dictator Fidel Castro claims he was finally convinced
by a young boy's letter. [A shot of Kyle behind a wooden fence
comes up] Now the country is again open to American tourism.
[shot of Sheila and Gerald stunned] Plans can finally resume
for Knott's Berry Farm Cuba. [Sheila and Gerald look at each
I did it! Now I can go to the Raging
No you can't!
Kyle, your mother and I don't want you
going to the Raging Pussies concert!
We gave you a chore that we thought
was impossible. You weren't supposed
to actually do it.
But I did! Ah, I brought -democracy
We know, Kyle, but we just don't want
you going to their concert.
But that's not fair! You lied to me!
Kyle, perhaps we handled this wrong,
buh- but you need to understand that
we don't want-
What I understand is that you totally
screwed me over!! So why should I have
to listen to you?!
Because we're your parents!
We I wish I didn't have any parents!
[Kenny's house, front steps. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit on the
steps as Kenny plays on the lawn with a fire truck]
It's so unfair! How can my parents do
that to me?!
Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes,
dude. They get off on it.
They're evil! I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE ANY
Well, you... could make them... go away
for a while.
Well, I mean, you... could... call the police
and have them take your parents away.
Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you gotta
do is call the police and say that your
parents both molestered you.
I don't know, but it works. When I wanted
to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend,
I just called the police, and said he
was molestering me, and I haven't seen
him for three months.
Wow! Three months without parents!
(Wow, that is awesome!)
But what do the police do to them?
Who cares? My parents deserve whatever
they get. They're liars and cheats.
You have to make it convincing, though,
when you call the police. You have to
be like, "my parents molestered me."
"My parents molestered me."
No, but you've gotta cry, like this:
"My parents molestered me." And then
they'll say somethng like, "Was it a
good touch or a bad touch?" and you
say "Ih, it was a good touch" or- no
wait, you say it was a bad touch.
What's "bad touch"?
Something about a swimsuit - I don't
remember, but you definitely answer
Okay, molestered, bad touch.
Yeah, And cry. Oh, he's ready.
[Kyle's house, front lawn, day. Police and press gather round
as the four boys and Ike watch by the driveway. Gerald and Sheila
exit the house followed by two policemen. Two reporters try to
ask them questions as cameras go off all around them]
Oh my God, this isn't happening. I would
never touch my children like that.
You do have the right to remain silent,
ma'am. I suggest you use that right.
Ugh, pleae, just listen to me! What
about my children? Who will take care
Oh, now you care?! They're going to
live with their grandmother.
Their grandmother's been dead for three
years. You're not listenng to me. Kyle,
tell these people that your mother
never raped you! Tell them! It's my
fault. Say it! Tell them right now!!
They'll never be able to hurt you again.
Alright, folks. Our work here is done.
[Kyle's house, living room, shot of the hallway and stairs. "Old
Time Rock 'N' Roll" plays And so... Kyle slides into view in
his hat and underwear, facing away from the camera. He looks
left and his sunglasses are shown. As the first words are sung,
Kyle faces the camera and lip-syncs to them. With Chinpoko Mon
around them, Kenny, Stan, and Cartman jump gleefully up and down
on the sofa. In the kitchen Ike sticks a fork into the toaster.
Kyle dances some more.
Next scene is the Raging Pussies concert outside and inside a
stadum. The four boys are in the audience, and Kyle is still
Next scene shows kids from all over descend on Kyle's house for
a party at night. Everyone dances inside, some kids are eating
pizzaand Kyle is still in underwear]
Dude! Having no parents is awesome!
I'm gonna say my parents molestered
Hey, yeah! We should all say our parents
Yeah, uh huh, woo hoo!
[Stan's house, living room. He's on the phone crying. Next scene,
his parents are hauled off by five cops. Shelley is shocked to
see her parents go, but Stan begins to dance. She looks at him
angrily and begins to pull her fist back. Stan stops dancing
and points at her. A cop hauls her off. Stan resumes dancing.
Cartman's house, front door. The door opens and Liane is hauled
out, then one man, then Chef. Cartman appears after them and
stops at the door, and waves goodbye to them.
South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's class. In front of the
class, she's hauled off. Then Principal Victoria is taken away,
and then Mr. Mackey, as Butters accuses him of somethng to the
Four panes appear, with a child in each one calling the police
MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON
[Stan's house, day. Stan, Kyle, and Ike sit on the sofa watching
The following hot presentation is for
mature audiences only.
You guys! Come out here!
[Downtown South Park. The sky is a deep blue and the streets
are clear of snow. Token, Butters and Kenny stand behind Filmore
and his friend. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Ike, and Clyde]
What's going on?
Cartman? Notice anything? [before them the town sits empty as
the sun sits between two mountains in a red sky.] Watch. [takes
a stone and throws it hard. It flies through the air and goes
through a first-floor window on a building two blocks away]
Yeah, nothing. There's not an adult
left in town. They've all been arrested,
and the ones that weren't arrested have
moved away because they're scared of
Not one adult left?
...Then it's ours. The whole town. It's
[The Rockies, some days later. A car winds its way down the winding
road in a snow storm]
Oh, sweetie, I have no idea where we
I haven't seen a road marker for miles.
What was the last highway we were on?
There has to be a town around here somewhere.
Maybe you're reading the map wrong.
Hey, it was your idea to take the backroads.
What the? Oh no. No, no, no, no.
What's the matter with it?
I have no idea. Oh, we're gonna have
to find some help quick. We're not gonna
make it more than a couple of miles.
Oh, look! There's a town up ahead.
Smiley Town? That's a strange name.
Well, it'll have to do. It's probably
the only town for a hundred miles.
[Smiley Town, a beat-up gas station. The car rolls up and the
man and woman get out. The woman joins the man on the driver's
side of the car.]
Hello? Is anybody here?
Hoh, hahh, can I- help you folks?
...Yes, we need a mechanic to look at
Oh, well-l-l, uh, I'm the mec-hanic,
I guess. Woh-what seems to be the problem?
...It's... just you here?
No, uh Craig's here, too.
But he's playing Spaceman right now.
Huh. Hey, Craig!
Look we're in a bit of a spot here!
I've got a very important job interview
tomorrow morning in Breckenridge, so
I have to get my car fixed fast! Is
there another garage in town?
How about a phone? Can we just use the
Phone here doesn't work. Haa-I'm afraid
the only phone that does work... is over
in Treasure Cove.
Fine! Can you take us there?
You... sure you wanna go to Treasure Cove?
Uhh rrreeally are you sure?
Oh, alright then. Uh, show 'em where
[Downtown Smiley Town. Craig leads the couple down the streets
to a white line running down the center of a cross street]
This is the end of Smiley Town. The
only phone is somehwere in Treasure
Cove. If you wanna find it, you're gonna
have to cross the white line.
Well, can you help us find the phone,
Hell no! I'm not crossing the white
Alright, let's just... go, Linda. I don't
have time for Spaceman Spiff's little
It's Spaceman Craig.
[Downtown Treasure Cove. The couple walks into this town to the
sound of ominous music. The town looks worse than Smiley Town
TWO SMALL VOICES
Nah nah nanah nah!
Look, there's an elementary school
Come on, there might be some teachers
What is that? [the truck turns around and comes back]
WAAH [raises a foot to avoid being hit by the truck. The truck
goes down the street, then turns around and returns once more,
stopping in front of the frightened couple]
What do you want from us??
Linda, it's a remote-controlled car.
Looks like maybe there's a little camera
Mark, I don't like this.
Relax, Linda, everything's fine. Ow.
What is it?! Acid?!
No, ud, it's lemon juice.
Oh God! Are you blind?!
No, it just really, really, really hurts!
Mark? Mark, look. Well, hello. What's
your name? What- what do you want?
We wanna play.
Linda [panicked, rises] Mark, I'm scared!
Don't be scared. They're just kids.
Where are your parents?!
We already played with our parents.
How, we wanna play wit' youuuu.
...Okay, I'm scared now, too. That freaked
We wanna play wit' you!
Get off me!
Oh God, Mark! Help!
Oh no! She's crossing the white line!
Take that, kindergartners!
What the hell is gong on here?!
Kindergartners. Treasure Cove is full
Alright, kid! We demand to see an adult
I got new orders. I'm supposed to take
you to see the mayor.
The mayor! Good! Finally!
[Smiley Town City Hall, day. Pictures of Cartman adorn the building
and the path to the front door. A large inflatable King Kong
floats above the snow and is tethered to the ground below. Craig
and Butters liead Mark and Linda into the Mayor's office, where
they face Cartman behind the desk, and two other boys. Clyde
Frog sits on the desk at Cartman's right side, and his boombox
is at left.]
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cotner. Won't you
come in, please? Mr. and Mrs. Cotner,
as the mayor of Smiley Town, I would
like to ask you a few questions.
You're the mayor? What the hell is gong
on here?! Where are your parents?!
Parents? Ah, you mean the birth-givers.
They're not around.
No parents in the entire town? What
happened to them?
Okay, see, I am the mayor of Smiley
Town, and so I will ask the questions
Look, just point us to a phone, kid,
Eheh, I'm afraid you'll find all the
phones... quite out of service.
No phones, either? How do you communicate?
Butters, I need an ETA on the car,
Alright, we've had just about enough
here! That's the most ridiculous thing
I've ever seen! I don't care what little
games you kids wanna play, we just want
outta here, alright?
It's gonna be about three days.
So, it appears that you need me. Which
is good, because... I need you, too.
I have the job interview of my life
in Breckenridge! Just tell me how to
get to a phone or a car!
Aaahh! You sons of bitches! You see
what we're dealing with here. Tonight
is Carousel. And they will try to kill
one of us. Eh, you two seem to have
the uncanny ability to cross the white
line. If you help us, we'll get you
what you need.
[Dividing line at the John Elway Memorial Park. The couple enters
the park, Mark on the left side of the line, Linda on the right
Mark, are we doing the right thing?
Look! If getting the stupid book will
get me a cell phone, I don't care!
I just don't know if you're dealing
with these kids the right way.
Well, I told you I can't deal with
kids, Linda! That's why I don't want
to have children!
Hey, I think you'd make a great father.
Oh, let's not go through this again,
Linda. D- Look, here's the book they've
been talking about- it makes no sense.
My God! Mark! What is it??
It's a boy. They... killed him.
The bastards. Oh, Mark, let's get out
Nah nah nanah nah!
Uh. The fat kid told us to take it.
[Treasure Cove Elementary, evening. Inside, Mark and Linda are
tied, asleep and backs to each other, next to a bonfire.]
Wuh. Aah! Mark! Mark, wake up!
Nah nah nanah nah!
You guys, stop it! Sorry about them.
Kindergartners are kind of spazzes.
Why are you doing this?
How come you wanna help the fatass?!
The fatass. The mayor.
Look, I have the job interview of my
life in less than- -12 hours! I just
need a phone, and he said he'd help
me if I took your book so you couldn't...
kill them anymore.
You got foolied, outlander! We're the
only ones with a working phone. And
if you had taken our book, then it's
one of us who dies tonight at Carousel!
Uh, how did this all happen? Why do
you children live in this town alone?
Because we do. It was like this yesterday,
and the day before that.
But what about before that?
You mean in the Before time? In the
long, long ago?
If we tell you, will you help us stop
I'll do anything to get to a phone!
Alright. Everybody gather round. We're
gonna tell the story of the Before time
The Before time.
The story of the Before time.
Way back, in the long long ago, we
all lived by the birthgivers' laws.
But the birthgivers were unfair. They
made us go to bed early and eat broccoli.
Yuck, yuck, yuck.
And so the fatass came up with a way
to have all the birthgivers disappear.
, by using the magic M word.
Soon we were without power, water, or
fresh food. But we tried to survive.
Under the guidance of... the Provider.
The fatass and us disagreed on how to
worship the provider. The fatass tried
to make us follow his way by making
himself the school principal. So we
made ourselves the superintendents of
school. But then he just made himself
the mayor. The town split sides and
that's when the Provider got angry.
So now, every night, the Provider must
be appeased at Carousel. We need their
book so one of ours doesn't die.
We all know that one day, the Provider
will set us free. Make everything like
it was in the before time. In the long,
Ah-ah-ah-ah,let me get this straight:
if I go get the fat kid's book on the
other side of the white line, you'll
show me where a cell phone is?
Yes. No foolies.
[Treasure Cove Elementary, evening, outside. The couple is still
No, uh, it's it's it's right out here.
Come on. Linda, I want you to just
go back to the car and wait for me,
alright? I'll go get that fat kid's
book so I can use their phone.
Mark, I'm scared.
I know, but this will all be over soon.
[Canyon City Maximum Security Prison, day. Sheila, dressed in
prison orange, is brought into a large room to join the other
adults, and the door is locked behnd her.]
Oh, Gerald, I haven't seen you for so
Hello, honey, how has prison been for
Oh, it's awful! Just awful.
Alright parents, let's all take our
seats. My name is Scott Evans, and
I am a prison rehabilitation counselor.
Uh, excuse me, but my wife and I honestly
never touched our child.
Eh, neither did we.
We didn't, either.
Enough, enough! Look, it's obvious
we have a lot of emotional issues and
personal demons to face here. During
your prison time, you will all be spending
one hour a day in therapy here with
me. What I want you to do is learn to
control those sick, sexual urges you
have. Now we're gonna try an exercise:
I'm gonna confront you with vwhat you
lust after most. Alright parents, now
I, I know this is difficult, but I want
you to just look at this child. Just
try to suppress your urges to rape him.
Just think about somethin' else. Think
about clouds and beaches. Don't think
about his supple, soft little body.
Oh, that's disgusting!!! Now, now stop
Fight your urges, Mr. Broflovski!
I don't have any urges!
I can't help you if you won't admit
you need help!! Now sit down! Look,
I know this is very difficult for all
of you. Most of you are still in denial
about what you've done! To you it seems
you've never raped your children at
all! But you did. Help meeee help youuuu.
Now let's try again. Look at this
young man. Just look. Don't rape. Fight
it. Fight it!
[Smiley Town, street. Linda walks out from behnd a van.]
Oh God, God, please just let us out
of this place.
I thnk I found the problem, ma'am. A
broken window roller-upper.
Oh no. NO! Aaaah!
Where is your husband?
[Treasure Cove Elementary, evening, school gym. Mark has returned]
Alright, I got the book for you.
Now, can I please have the cell phone?
Sure, outlander. I'll get it
[Treasure Cove Elementary, outside. Cartman, holding a taser,
leads the Smiley Town members to the school. Linda is bound and
gagged, but can still walk]
Outlander! We have your woman! She still
lives, outlander! Outlander, her blood
Oo what the heck are you talkin' about?
Butters, calm down, ahright?
[Canyon City Maximum Security Prison, day, meeting room.]
Okay, so what are some other things
that we can do besides molest our children?
See a movie?
Sure, "see a movie"'s good. We could
see a movie instead of molesting our
children. What else?
Make a sweater?
Uh huh. I'll put ah, "knitting, sewing."
Who's got another one?
Nonono, we're looking for things to
do besides molesting our children.
Fishing's good. Uh huh.
[John Elway Memorial Park, night. The two towns meet at the deviding
line, Linda with Smiley Town, Mark with Treasure Cove.]
I believe you have something of ours,
outlander! Give it back, or the female
Give him the book back.
No. If they have it, one of ours will
die for Carousel!
We're running outu of time! Hand our
book over, quick!
Enough of this! You kids are all in
The Provider awakes!
It's time for Carousel! Haha, your side
doesn't have its book, fatass! That
means someone on your side is sacrificed
Aw, damnit! Alright. It is decided.
Butters, your turn.
Oh, I'm gonna be sacrificed to the Provider!
Stop right there! Nobody's killing anybody
Be careful, Mark. They'll nake you disappear
with the M word.
Yeah, we'll call the police and say
you molestered us, too.
I'm here for you, Provider! Uh, take
Is that what happened to the adults
here?! You lied to the police and said
they molested you?! My God, they were
The birth-givers! Your birthgivers.
Don't you remember? They are your providers!
Not some statue! And they're not up
in some fantastical faraway land now.
They're in prison. Probably crying
themselves to sleep, cold and lonely
and... I'm sure missing you all very,
very much. Your birthgivers took care
of you. That's what their laws and their
rules were for, because they love you,
and they didn't want you to end up living
like... th-this! He won't take care of
you. Your parents... your... providers...
Parents. Mom. Dad.
Oh boy, here it comes!
If you want things to be the way they
were in the before time, in the long,
long ago, you all need to call the police
and tell them you lied about them M
He's right, dude. Things were a lot
better with our parents around.
Yeah. I guess their rules did have a
point. Things have gotten a lot worse
in the ten days since they've been gone.
Ten days?? It's only been ten days since
Take him down.
Hey, uh, what are you doin'?? Ha-I'm
ready to give myself to Mr. Elway.
Here's our cell phone, dude. Will you
call the police for us?
Hey. Looks like you're not so bad with
kids after all.
Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe we
should have some.
Yeah, right. After all this, I'm getting
my tubes ties tomorrow!
[South Park, day, neighborhood street. The town has been cleaned
up. The kids stand in front of a house waiting for a bus to roll
up. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Craig hold a banner among them which
reads, red letters on yellow background, "Welcome Home, PARENTS!"
Butters walks up]
Come on, you guys! Our parents are gonna
be back any minute!
Do you think they're gonna pissed at
us for lying that they molested us and
sending them all to jail for ten days?
Well, they can't be too pissed off.
I mean, we made them a banner.
Hey, you guys came back!
Did you make it to your job interview?
Yeah. I got the job. You're looking
at the new manager of Denny's in Breckenridge.
And I got my tubes tied.
Well, thnaks for everything, you guys.
You really helped us see how important
Hey! Here they come!
...Come here, come here.
Oh, Kyle. Ike, sweetie, you're OK.
Yeah. We're fine.
Kyle, we're so sorry for the horrible
sexual abuse over the years. But we're
all better now.
But you didn't do anything to me.
Hup, we did. We've come to terms with
it through therapy and learned to admit
It won't happen again.
But, you guys, I-
Oh, Stanley, I wish we could take back
all the years of abuse, but we can't.
We've learned to overcome it, son.
We love you, son, but we only love you
in a platonic way from now on.
Oo-what the heck are you talkin' about?
Kenny? Kenny, we're sorry. Where is
Everything's gonna be alright now,
Jenny. Come on, let's go home.
Well, what are you kids gonna do now?
I dunno. You guys wanna build a snow
Snow igloos kick ass.