"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 206
"THE MEXICAN STARING FROG"
Written by
Trey Parker & Matt Stone
[A television is on, and a new show seems to be on the air]
ANNOUNCER
And now back to Huntin' and Killin'
with South Park's favorite hunters,
Jimbo and Ned.
JIMBO
Hi, I'm Jimbo Kern, and this here is
Ned. Say 'Hi', Ned.
NED
M-hi, Ned.
JIMBO
Now, idn't that great? We have a terrific
show for you today: we're gonna kill
some elk, and we're gonna kill some
mountain goats. Now, the new law passed
by Colorado legislature, which Ned and
I call 'Pussy Law #4', states that we
can no longer kill animals in defense.
"PUSSY LAW #4"
NO ANIMAL SHALL BE HARMED,
EVEN IN SELF DEFENSE, UNLESS
SPECIFIC LICENSE AND SEASON IS
IN ORDER. SELF DEFENSE CAN ONLY
BE JUSTIFIED BY EXTREME, PROVABLE
PERIL AND OR DOCUMENTED VISIBLE
BODILY HARM.
In other words, our old line of 'It's comin' right for us'-
NED
It's comin' right for us.
JIMBO
-no longer works. So now, we only kill
naimals to, quote, thin out their numbers.
If we don't hunt, then these animals
will grow too big in number and they
won't have enough food. So you see,
we have to kill animals, or else they'll
DIE. Uuh. So, roll the tape. Here
we are at Shafer's Crossing lookin'
for some animals.
JIMBO
Looky, Ned, there are some deer! Quick,
Ned. Thin out their numbers!
NED
Thin out their numbers!
JIMBO
Good work, Ned. Now, they won't starve.
JIMBO
That sure was a great hunting trip.
We saved those deer from extinction.
NED
Mmmwe're environmentalists.
JIMBO
Comin' up next, we're gonna drop some
napalm on an unsuspecting family of
beavers. And also, try to thin out the
numbers of some endangered species.
[South Park Elementary. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison writes]
vietnam
CARTMAN
Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam?
MR. GARRISON
What's Vietnam? A question a child might
ask, but not a childish question. Heheheheheheheheheh.
Children, for the next few days, we'll
be learning all about Vietnam. Chances
are that somebody in your own lives
was affected by this incredible war.
MR. HAT
That's right, Mr. Garrison. The Vietnam
War was sticky and icky.
KYLE
Mr. Garrison. Were you in Vietnam?
[Mr. Garrison frowns as he seems to recall an incident in that
war. An injured man is dragged to a helicopter as fresh troops
wait to replace him]
INJURED MAN
Aaawwwgh. Aaawwwgh.
LEADER
Come on, men! Jump out of the chopper!
TROOPER
Call the doctor! Call the doctor!
[The class is waiting. Now Mr. Garrison is smiling as the next
scene begins. A group of men is seen disrobed and bathing. At
the end of it, he laughs to himself]
MAN 1
Who's next to take a shoowwerr?
MAN 2
Me-ee.
MAN 3
I am.
MAN 1
You just took one last week, silly.
MAN 2
Oh, where can I hide this big pipe?
MR. GARRISON
No, I wasn't in Vietnam. But sometimes,
I like to pretend I was. Anyway, children,
I'm going to assign you all a paper.
CLASS
AAWWWW!
CARTMAN
Son of a bitch.
MR. GARRISON
I want you all to find somebody in your
own life who was in Vietnam, and interview
them about it.
CLYDE
What if we don't know anybody who was
in Vietnam?
MR. GARRISON
Then you get an 'F', fail the third
grade, and have to get a job cleaning
septic tanks to support your drug habit.
CLYDE
Oh.
STAN
Dude. My uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam.
KYLE
Hey yeah. He and Ned do that stupid
TV show.
[Back to Huntin' and Killin']
JIMBO
And now, time for
Jimbo's
Mysteries
of the
Unexplained
[the letters are wavy and uneven. The boys come to see the taping]
One of our loyal viewers from South Park sent us some 8mm film
of what he claims to be the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern
Sri Lanka. Now, as you all know, the Mexican Staring Frog of
Southern Sri Lanka can supposedly kill you with one horrid gaze.
If a person even so much as looks into the frog's eyes, they
can be paralyzed, or even die. And this film proves that that
frog may very well exist. [it plays. Shown is a snowy field,
with the camera looking from behind some blades of grass] Now
watch carefully, you're gonna see the Mexican staring frog. [nothing
seems to be happening] There! There, did you see it? Roll that
back again! [the film is replayed] Now, freeze it! [the film
is frozen, and there's an object flying through the air.] Well,
I'd like to know what all you skeptics have to say now! What
do you think, Ned?
NED
Mwhoa, I'm scared.
JIMBO
Well, be sure to join us next time.
Until then
We're so glad you spent your time with us
While we slaughtered our way through nature's guts
Come again and stay a while
We'll kill a lot more living things to make them bleed
NED
Mmgood night.
CAMERAMAN
Aand we're cut. Great show, guys.
JIMBO
Oh, looky who's here. My little nephew,
Stanley. So, you're interested in your
Uncle Jimbo's big TV show, huh?
STAN
No. We have to do a stupid report on
Vietnam. You and Ned are the only guys
we know who were there.
JIMBO
Oh. Yeah, we sure were.
CARTMAN
Was it fun?
KYLE
Cartman, what kind of stupid-ass question
is that?! Of course it was fun!
JIMBO
Well, sure Vietnam was fun. But not
like goin-to-the-circus fun, or fly-fishin-in-Montana
fun. No, Vietnam was more like shovin'
shards of broken glass up your ass and
then sittin' in a tub of Tabasco sauce
fun.
STAN
Whoa!
JIMBO
Yeppur, that's where me and Ned met.
I remember I had just gotten off the
Ferris wheel.
JIMBO
Oh, boy, what a gorgeous day!
SERGEANT
Kern, get over here! The new privates
are here. I'm assigning one of them
to you as a trainee. Ned Gerblansky.
NED
Ned Gerblansky reporting, sir.
SERGEANT
Thanks, Ned. Now, the bad guys have
been spotted about ten clicks north
of here. I know that you and Kern are
best suited to take them out. Are you
up for it?
JIMBO, NED
Sir, yes, sir!
JIMBO
Soon it was all on just me and Ned to
win the war for America.
JIMBO
Pass me some more cocoa, will you, Ned?
NED
Certainly. And would you like another
muffin as well?
JIMBO
Why the hell not? We're at war. Hey,
you know those things are bad for your
throat.
NED
No, that's all lies. I'll be fine. Charlies,
at 2 o'clock!
JIMBO
I see 'em! Drop the bomb!
NED
The bomb's not releasing!
JIMBO
Oh, no!
NED
It won't budge.
JIMBO
Then we only have one option.
NED
What are you doing, man!
JIMBO
We have to take 'em out, Ned! At all
costs! Die, you red Commie bastarts!!
NED
Jeeaawwww!
JIMBO
Eeeeehhhh-oh no! Out of ammo! We did
it, Ned! We killed the entire Viet Cong
army!
NED
Whoopie!
JIMBO
Let's get back to base camp. We can
ride the log ride before it closes!
JIMBO
And that's the way it happened, boys.
STAN
Wow!
CARTMAN
Man, Vietnam was sweet!
CAMERAMAN
Entertainy
Great news, guys. Your TV show ratings have doubled!
JIMBO
Wow!
CAMERAMAN
They've gone from six people, to twelve.
JIMBO
Holy Smokes! We could get an Emmy!
[South Park Public Access. The set of Jesus and Pals]
PRODUCER
We've got to do it, J. Your ratings
are being killed by the Jimbo and Ned
hunting show.
JESUS
But I don't really care about that.
PRODUCER
Wuhell, you'd better care, Mr. Smarty
Pants. No ratings means no show. If
you want to keep reaching out to people,
you have to keep up with the times.
JESUS
(Tsk) ooh, alright.
CAMERAMAN
Aright we're ten second to air, guys.
PRODUCER
Remember: big, big, big.
CAMERAMAN
And five, four, three,…
ANNOUNCER
It's your Hour of Power on Mission
Mountain Cable Access! Put your hands
together and welcome the only man in
town who always has a fully-stocked
wine cellar, Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus
Christ.
JESUS
Uuuh. Hi. Uh, yeh-yeah, okay. Beginning
today, we're taking the show in a new
direction. We've got some very interesting
people coming on the show this week
for you, our viewers. Today's guest
is- TV's Gilligan. Mr. Bob Denver.
ANNOUNCER
And here's uh Booooobbb Denver.
JESUS
Hi, Bob Denver.
BOB
Hi, Jesus. Great to be here ahem.
JESUS
So. Bob. So, yu-you just get in town?
BOB
Yup. Just got in.
JESUS
So. Um. Su-so, wwhat have you been
up to?
BOB
Nn-nothing. Nothing really at all.
Disciples
LEAD SINGER
Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You've gotta have somethin'…
JESUS
Oh boy.
[South Park Elementary. Stan is presenting his group's report]
STAN
…and after killing the entire Viet
Cong army, they returned to base camp.
Once there, they rode the Devil's Drop
roller coaster and ate cotton candy.
And ultimately, Ned got the Purple Heart
for his courageous defense of the log
ride. So was the horror of Vietnam.
The End.
ALL FOUR
The End.
KYLE
Are there any questions? Yes, Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON
Yes, uh. Where the fuck did you hear
this ridiculous load of bullshit?!
STAN
From a Vietnam veteran.
MR. GARRISON
Well, boys, it's obvious to me that
you didn't do your work, and that you
stayed up all night thinking up some
ridiculous lie!
STAN
No, no, we didn't-
MR. GARRISON
You all receive an F. Minus.
KYLE
F minus? Can he do that?
STAN
But-eh, but we're not making it up!
And wuh-
MR. GARRISON
Stanley, the Vietnam war was war! There
weren't galloping steeds or singing
birds or logrides!
KYLE
How do you know?! You weren't even there!
MR. GARRISON
Well that's it! All of you have detention
for the rest of the week!
THE GROUP
Aawwww!
[After school, at the cafeteria. Mr. Mackey is supervising]
DETENTION
QUIET!
CARTMAN
Too bad.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Welcome to detention. Mkay. Mr. Garrison
told me about your little joke. Important
for you all to know why you are in detention.
For you to obtain the full benefits
from it.
CARTMAN
You're dead, Stan.
STAN
For what, dude?
KENNY
(Just face it, dude, your uncle's stupid!)
COUNSELOR MACKEY
You're here because you are inferior,
mkay? You're here because you are awkward,
mkay?
CARTMAN
Well, thanks a lot, Stan, for having
such a cruel uncle that got us all detention
for a week!
KYLE
Yeah, dude. Your uncle Jimbo sucks ass!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Shh! 'Kay?
STAN
Why would he just invent a story instead
of telling us the truth?
CARTMAN
Well, let's see. Maybe 'caauuse he's
an old drunk hillbilly dick!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Shh! 'Kay?
KYLE
We've gotta get him back, dude!
CARTMAN
Totally!
STAN
How?
KYLE
Well, he screwed us by makin' something
up; I say we do the same thing!
STAN
Whattaya mean?
KYLE
Did you guys ever see that one Brady
Bunch where the guy bzzzt…
CARTMAN
That sounds sweet. Ah, yeah, sweet.
Yeh, super sweet! Ahyes!
[Jimbo and Ned back on the set]
ANNOUNCER
And now back to Huntin' and Killin'
with South Park's favorite hunters,
Jimbo and Ned.
JIMBO
Welcome, hunters. Boy, have we got a
show for you today! We have just received
a tape from another viewer who filmed
the Mexican staring frog of Southern
Sri Lanka right here in South Park.
NED
Aaaaa.
JIMBO
Yes, now we're about to roll the film,
but remember: if you look the Mexican
staring frog in the eyes, you could
go catatonic. We don't know if this
applies to pictures of the frog or not,
but who wants to take chances? So when
we roll this film, be sure to look away.
Okay, roll the film, Tom. Is it over?
END
Okay, it's over. [they lower their arms and sit up] Well, there
you have it. Undeniable proof that the Mexican staring frog of
Southern Sri Lanka exists. And you saw it here, on the Jimbo
and Ned show.
[Cartman's house. The boys are looking at the show and smiling]
KYLE
Dude, I can't believe they fell for
it!
STAN
Yeah, what a couple of dumbasses.
KENNY
(Yeah, it's like killing a dead pig
and a turkey.)
STAN
Yeah.
KYLE
Come on! We've gotta make another one!
CARTMAN
Lying kicks ass!
[Jesus and Pals]
PRODUCER
Jesus!
JESUS
Yeah.
PRODUCER
We're in trouble. The Jimbo and Ned
show made up some ridiculous staring
frog story and jumped another two points
in the ratings!
JESUS
Uh oh, sssooo what are we supposed to
do?
PRODUCER
I don't know. We'll have to- continue
with the changes we've made and then-
go even further.
STAGE HAND
And we're back in five, four, three,…
PRODUCER
Remember: big, big, big.
[Show time! Jesus and Pals has a new openng sequence, with Jesus
walking backwards into view and throwing his jacket over his
shoulder. Meanwhile, 'Jesus and Pals' scrolls along the bottom
as both his logo drops down from above. His signature blinks
here and there. A montage follows with Jesus talking to a monkey
in one screen and Jesus waiting for calls in another. The last
thing you see is]
J&P
JESUS
If you're just joining us, we've been
listening to Michelle's incredible story
of survival. Go on, Michelle.
MICHELLE
Well, as I was saying, I tried to drive
him over to our gorgeous wood bench.
My husband was trapped for twelve hours.
JESUS
And yet somehow he managed to survive.
MICHELLE
That's right. He's a very brave man,
and I love him very much.
HUSBAND
I love you, too.
JESUS
Wwell, let's see if the audience has
any questions. Yes, uuh, you over there.
LARGE WOMAN
I think she needs to kick him to the
curb, baby!
JESUS
Kick who to the curb?
LARGE WOMAN
Her no-good husband! She's got to lose
that zero and get herself a hero!
JESUS
Buut-
ANOTHER WOMAN
He wants to have his cake and eat it,
too. He's got to dump that trash, girlfriend.
It's all about respect. You've got
to have respect for yourself.
JESUS
Uuh-I think we've somewhat missed the
point here. Let's go to somebody else.
Yes, your comments.
AFRICAN AMERICAN
Montel, I think we're forgetting something
very important in all this. Okay, sure,
he touched some children, but, the man
is a great singer and he has entertained
us for so many years.
JESUS
Wha- What are you talking about?
AFRICAN AMERICAN
Michael Jackson! All this baad-mouthin',
puttin' the man down. Maybe he did touch
some children now and then, but come
on! It's Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson!
JESUS
Uh, we'll be back right after these
messages.
[In the woods, the boys set up for another staring frog video.
Cartman is behind some boulders and Kyle is in front of them.
Stan and Kenny face them]
STAN
Ready, you guys?
KYLE, CARTMAN
Ready.
STAN
Okay. Action!
CARTMAN
Blululululululuh. I am the deadly Mexican
staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka!
I am very scary. And dangerous.
STAN
Cut! Cartman!
CARTMAN
What?
STAN
It's supposed to be a frog!
CARTMAN
I know that!
STAN
Wuh since when do frogs talk, Cartman?
CARTMAN
It's a Sri Lanka frog.
KYLE
Drrr, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Drrr yourself, hippie!
KYLE
Just do it again, Cartman, and don't
make it talk!
STAN
Okay. Here we go, ready?
KYLE
Are you ready Cartman?
CARTMAN
I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!
STAN
Action!
CARTMAN
Blulululuh. Screw you guys.
[Another clip. The boys are in town]
CARTMAN
Wait, why do I have to dress up like
a old lady?
KLE
Because old ladies are fat, and you
are, too!
CARTMAN
It's not funny!
STAN
Come on, Cartman. The way we're filming
this, nobody will even know it's you.
CARTMAN
They'd better not!
STAN
Okay, when I yell 'action,' you start
to walk this way. And Kenny's gonna
pull the plastic frog in front of you,
and you have to be scared.
CARTMAN
Scared? Of a plastic frog?
STAN
It's acting, Cartman. You have to pretend
you're really scared. Then the Mexican
staring frog will look you in the eyes,
then you fall down, like you're dead.
Okay? You ready?
CARTMAN
Huh this is stupid.
STAN
Good! Aaand action!
CARTMAN
Eee-ee-ee-ee!
[Jimbo and Ned back on the set]
JIMBO
Well, it appears that now a lot of you
uh "skeptics" thought that the film
we showed of the Mexican staring frog
of Southern Sri Lanka was a fake. That
you say it didn't harm anybody. Well,
it just so happens that we just received
another film from another anonymous
viewer. Roll it. There you go. Proof
that not only is this frog real, but
it is doing harm to the people of South
Park as we speak.
NED
Mmmm. Damn that frog!
JIMBO
Well, that does it! All this week, Ned
and I will be risking life and limb
as we on location to hunt the Mexican
staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka!
Join us, won'tcha?
[Jesus and Pals. His producer was watching Huntin' and Killin']
PRODUCER
Ooh, nonono no! This is the biggest
publicity stunt I've ever seen! Damn,
those hunters are clever!
JESUS
Uuuh, clever?
PRODUCER
It's genius, it really is. Hell, I even
want to watch then hunt the Mexican
staring frog. Unless…
JESUS
Unless what?
PRODUCER
Unless we can prove to the world that
the whole thing is a sham. If we prove
that the Mexican staring frog of Southern
Sri Lanka is just something- mmade up
by Jimbo and Ned, we can have them taken
off the air, perhaps even killed!
JESUS
Look, why don't we just stick to our
own show. People will watch again.
PRODUCER
Oh, J. You are so omnipotent, and yet
so naive. We launch a full investigation,
and in the meantime we can cash in on
the videotapes.
JESUS
What videotapes?
[A commercial begins]
JESUS
Yea, children, I am the Way and the
Light…
VOICE-OVER
You've seen Jesus and Pals. Now you've
got to get the video! Jesus and Pals
Too Hot For T.V.!
Things get a little out of control! [another guest yells obscenities
at another guest, but his mouth is censored with]
CENSORED
You won't believe your eyes! [Jesus is flanked by two Klansmen
as he interviews them]
Order now, only $19.95! [Jesus is Lord!!! Visa, MC, and AmEx
accepted]
Remember, this is stuff you can't see on T.V.! [Two other women
in bikinis take off their tops and dance around. Their breasts
are censored with bars saying]
TOO HOT!!!
[Next day. Jimbo and Ned drive through the town]
JIMBO
Anonymous tip?
CAMERAMAN
Yeah, it was left on our answering machine.
All it said was that they saw the Mexican
staring frog just south of Stark's Pond
this morning.
JIMBO
Hey Ned. Remember that time when we
got the anonymous tip back in 'Nam?
CAMERAMAN
You were in 'Nam? Where were you stationed?
NED
Mmm Da Nang.
CAMERAMAN
With the log ride?
JIMBO
Yeup.
CAMERAMAN
Man, I was in Tet. We had a bad-ass
roller coaster, but… all we ever wanted
was a log ride. We waited and we waited,
but… they never built us one. I think-
Danforth wanted the log ride more than
anybody, but he… he had to settle with
that lame dinosaur water adventure ride.
JIMBO
That was was hell on everybody.
PRODUCER
Good. Okay. Okay, bye! Good news, everybody.
This week's ratings are through the
roof! We're up to twenty people!
JIMBO
Wow, do we got more money?
PRODUCER
No, but I do. We're now the highest
rated show on Mountain Cable Access!
God bless the Mexican staring frog!
[The boys are back in the woods, and their frog is on a small
boulder]
KYLE
Dude, they're gonna look so stupid.
CARTMAN
Dude, totally!
STAN
They deserve it for lying to us, dude!
CARTMAN
Revenge is so very, very sweet.
STAN
They're here! Hurry and hide!
JIMBO
Let's hunt!
PRODUCER
We'll start with a two-shot of you and
Ned getting your equipment together
and-
NED
Mmjimbo, look!
JIMBO
Hit the deck!!
PRODUCER
What is it?
JIMBO
It's him! The Mexican staring frog of
Southern Sri Lanka! He's right over
there on that rock!
PRODUCER
He is?
JIMBO
Dumbass, you've got to keep your eyes
away from him. Stay down. Ned, you
take flight position; I'll try to keep
it turned away from you.
NED
Mmrr roger that.
JIMBO
Hello, fellow hunters. Have we got
a show for you today. The Mexican staring
frog is sunning itself on a rock directly
behind us. We've got to take the frog
by surprise. I'm gonna create a diversion
using this incendiary device while
Ned will ambush him from the rear.
Now, Ned. He's not lookin'. Quick,
Ned, hit him with the shotgun! Now,
Ned! Ned? Ne-ed. Oh, no! Come on,
Ned buddy, snap out of it! Come back
to me, buddy.
PRODUCER
You getting all this?
JIMBO
Hold on to your butts. Take that, you
demon frog!! Ned, Ned. Can you hear
me? Somebody, call an ambulance. This
man is catatonic!
PRODUCER
Get the Flight for Life helicopter!
STAN
Holy crap, dude.
[Hell's Pass Hospital. Jimbo is at Ned's bedside reading to him]
JIMBO
…but Pony Boy was beat up pretty bad.
He kept saying, 'stay gold.' Aw, Ned.
If you can hear me, yyou've got to snap
out of it, 'cause if you don't, uh-
I'll never forgive myself. Aw, Stanley,
he's gone! My only friend in the world
is gone!
STAN
Dude, he's okay. That frog wasn't even
real!
KYLE
Look!
JIMBO
Aaww! What the hell are you doin'?
I almost looked right at it!
STAN
Dude, it's just a plastic frog; it's
not real. Check it out!
JIMBO
What?
STAN
We shot all those videos and sent them
in.
KYLE
Yeah, we made the whole thing up. It
was all just a really, really funny
joke!
JIMBO
You sent in those videos?!
PRODUCER
Oh, this is not good.
JIMBO
My best friend is a vegetable, and I'm
gonna be the laughing stock of South
Park!
KYLE
Aw, come on. Ned's faking it. That frog
was just a piece of plastic!
STAN
Yeah. Come on, Ned. Quit fakin'.
JIMBO
You boys don't understand. Ned was so
freaked out by the idea of the Mexican
staring frog that he must've sent himself
into a deep coma.
JESUS' PRODUCER
It's a psychosomatic response. I couldn't
help overhearing your conversation just
now.
KYLE
Who are you?
JESUS' PRODUCER
I produce a little TV show called Jesus
and Pals, you might have heard of it.
Your story is amazing: full of jealousy,
duplicity, backstabbing, and bitterness.
JIMBO
Uuuuuuuuh. Thanks?
JESUS' PRODUCER
How would you like to share your remarkable
story with us on tomorrow's show?
[JESUS AND PALS, AFTER A COMMERCIAL BREAK. TODAY'S TOPIC
Tots in Trouble.]
JESUS
We're back with Jimbo and his nephew
Stan. These kids can't stop lying, can't
they?
JIMBO
That's right, Jesus. No respect for
their elders. As some of you may know,
I host a local show on hunting. Thanks.
We've been hunting the Mexican staring
frog for a week based on some video
footage we received from a viewer. Well,
it turns out that these kids faked the
footage!
JESUS
Is that true, Stam?
STAN
It was just a joke; we didn't think
it would hurt anybody.
JESUS
Uh, we'll find out more about this
debauchery when we return.
SOUND MAN
Aaand we're out.
PRODUCER
You're corpses out here! We need a
lot more action from everybody!
JIMBO
Like what?
PRODUCER
Like, go ahead and tell how your nephew
Stan takes drugs and worships Satan.
JIMBO
Satan. Got it.
STAN
Whoa, I don't take drugs and worship
Satan. That's a lie.
JIMBO
Give you a taste of your own medicine,
you little fibber!
PRODUCER
You kids, I didn't bring you on this
show to be boring. Somebody get pissed
off and throw a chair at Ned here.
Cartman [raising his hand] Dibs!
PRODUCER
Remember, you all start to fight after
the chair is thrown: that is your cue.
JIMBO
Roger.
[the theme music plays again and the crowd applauds for the next
segment. Action]
Jesus Welcome back to Jesus and Pals. Jimbo, why do you think
little Stanley lies?
JIMBO
I'll tell you why. Because he's on drugs
and worships the Devil.
THE AUDIENCE
Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!
JESUS
Wow. Now, Stanley, it sound like your
uncle is really worried about you.
STAN
Well I only- did it 'cause… he- molested
me.
JIMBO
Why, you little piece of crap!
STAN
You big piece of crap!
CARTMAN
That's it! Now I'm all pissed off!
Take that, hippie!
JIMBO
Hey!
THE AUDIENCE
Jeesus! Jeesus!
JESUS
O-Okay, okay, that's enough.
THE WOMAN
Take that, you asshole! What the fuck
was that?
JESUS
Uh, let's watch the lanugage, people.
JIMBO
Bring it on, you bitch!
CARTMAN
Ey, get off of him, you fuckin' nutsack!
THE AUDIENCE
Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!
JESUS
Let's all just- make our way back to
our seats.
KENNY
(Nononono-yikes!)
MAN
Yeah, yeah, yeh-oh?
STAN
Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards!
CARTMAN
Ey, you guys!
JESUS
Let's all just- make our way back to
our seats.
WOMAN 1
Nooooo!
WOMAN 2
Oh my Gooodd!
JESUS
SHUT THE FUCK UP!! Jesus, what is wrong
with you people?! Look around you, Stanley.
Look at all the pain and suffering your
lie has caused.
STAN
Wull we only did it because Jimbo lied
to us first. We had this report on the
Vietnam War for school, and we interviewed
Jimbo about it and he made up all this
stuff about Vietnam, and he got us in
trouble.
JIMBO
Hey, now. Everything I told you boys
about the war actually happened.
STAN
Mr. Garrison said that there was no
way you could have defeated the entire
Viet Cong army by yourself.
JESUS
The entire Viet Cong army?
JIMBO
I uh… Well, okay, I might have embellished
the truth a little, but that's different.
JESUS
Is it?
JIMBO
Well, sure. I mean, eh… Well, no uh,
I guess not.
JESUS
And as for you, Stan uh, I think you
need to kick your drug habit pretty
soon.
STAN
Wait a second-I don't take drugs-that
was a lie!
JESUS
Wait. Jimbo made that up?
STAN
No. Your producer did. She made Jimbo
tell everybody that I did drugs.
JESUS
What?
STAN
During the break. Your producer came
over, and told Jimbo what to say about
me. She told him to lie!
JIMBO
It's true. She did. Hu-I'm such a tool.
JESUS
Oh, really?
KYLE
Yeah! Then she told us to throw a chair
at Ned!
CARTMAN
Yeah. I didn't wanna do it, Jesus. They
made me do that.
MAN IN BROWN SHIRT
Screw this show. I thought this was
all real.
JESUS
W-wait, everybody. Come back.
AFRICAN-AMERICAN
Don't feel too bad, Montel. We all
want to touch children sometimes; it's
only natural.
[Outside South Park Public Access. Show's over.]
JIMBO
I'm sorry, Stan uh, I was just trying
to tell a good story. I never meant
for you boys to get in trouble.
STAN
Well, we're sorry too, Uncle Jimbo.
We're sorry for making you look stupid
in front of the whole world.
KYLE
Yeah. And we're sorry for turning Ned
into a vegetable.
JIMBO
Aw, he'll be fine. I'll just take him
home and show him some good hard-core
porn-he'll snap right out of it. Won't
you, Ned?
JESUS
I want to apologize to all of you for
what happened in there. In our competition
for ratings we lost sight of why we
got into show business in the first
place.
JIMBO
Yeah. TV's and beer.
JESUS
Actually, I was referring more to the
pursuit of truth, but-well anyway, I
can't wait to get back to my old show
without all the glitz and the ratings
and producers and-
KYLE
Wait a second. Where is your producer?
JESUS
I sent her away.
CARTMAN
Sent her away where?
[Hell. She enters Satan's lair with phone in hand]
PRODUCER
What is, is- What's happening?!
SATAN
Welcome to my dominion!
PRODUCER
Noooooo!
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Hey. Take a load off. Put your feet
up. Me and Satan were just aboot to
go shopping for furniture. Come on,
Satan.
SATAN
Okay, honey.
PRODUCER
Noooooo!
[End of The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka...
War is hell
My brother's a dirty mess
In war, war is hell.
It's hell for you and me.]
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