"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 703
"TOILET PAPER"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary, day. A new classroom. As the camera follows
a new teacher around, the following kids are seen working with
clay. Clyde presses the pottery wheel pedal as Bebe molds a vase
on the wheel. Wendy watches. Tweek, Red, and Pip work on clay
on the table near the wall. In the foreground, Token presses
the pottery wheel pedal as Jordan molds a vase. Butters, Kevin,
and another kid work on their own projects. Kenny, Stan, Kyle
and Cartman are laughing at their project, which didn't require
the use of the pottery wheel.]
TEACHER
Okay. Good, children, good. Remember
to feel the clay. Be one with the clay.
Nice. Uh huh.
CARTMAN
Put more clay on the balls.
TEACHER
Boys! What is that?
KYLE
A reindeer?
TEACHER
You know, I've had it! You four boys
never take art class seriously!
CARTMAN
What a crime.
TEACHER
You think art is not important?
STAN
Weelll, art is just kinda... for gaywads.
BUTTERS
I love our class!
STAN
See?
TEACHER
Do you think this is funny?! Do you
think this is funny, huh?! Well, you
four can just spend your afternoon after
school here making new pottery!
CARTMAN
You can't do that!
TEACHER
I certainly can! I'm your teacher!
CARTMAN
You're an art teacher!
TEACHER
Make it two hours!
[Cut to after school. The art teacher sits at her desk watching
the boys work on a proper vase on the pottery wheel. Kyle is
pressing the pedal. The boys are angry at their teacher]
STAN
Mrs. Dreible thinks she's so cool!
KYLE
How dare she talk to us like that?!
KENNY
(Yeah, how the fuck is that?!)
CARTMAN
We can't let her get away with this!
I think tonight we need to do something
drastic.
STAN
Like what?
CARTMAN
Like find out where Mrs. Dreible lives,
and go over there, and... TP her house.
KENNY
(Yeah!)
KYLE
TP her house?
CARTMAN
Toilet paper! Cover her house in toilet
paper.
KYLE
Oh.
CARTMAN
What's the matter, Kyle? You chicken?
Ugh!
TEACHER
Quiet, boys. This isn't playtime, you're
being punished!
STAN
Fine! But we'll have the last laugh
tonight, artwhore!
CARTMAN
Yeah! Payback time, you ugly skank!
[Henry's Supermarket, day. A man watches his son ride in a coin-operated
ride outside the store. Inside, the four boys approach checkout
line 3 with two carts stacked high with packages of Kush Tush
toilet paper.]
STAN
D'you think that's enough?
CARTMAN
Should be fine.
KYLE
Don't you guys think this is a little
suspicious? We should buy something
else so it doesn't look obvious.
CARTMAN
Okay. Here we go, pack of chewing gum.
CASHIER
Hello boys. Find everything you need?
CARTMAN
Yep. All set.
CASHIER
Mokay, let's see here. Toilet paper
Toilet paper Toilet paper Toilet
paper Toilet paper So, what are you
kids up to tonight?
CARTMAN
Oh, we're just gonna watch some TV,
maybe play a board game.
CASHIER
Nice relaxing night at home, huh? Toilet
paper Toilet paper Aaand toilet paper
Eh, hey. Now you kids be careful with
this chewing gum.Don't go sticking it
under tables.
STAN
Okay.
CASHIER
Okay. Toilet paper Toilet paper Tooilet
paper You know, son, I rmember you
comin' in last week and buying this
much toilet paper.
CARTMAN
Heh yeah, that that's right.
CASHIER
... Toilet paper Toilet paper
KYLE
You TP'ed a house last week, Cartman?
CARTMAN
No. Last Thursday night was fajitas
night.
KYLE
Oh. Uuugh.
[Mrs. Dreible's house, later, that night. The boys walk up to
the house carrying black trash bags of toilet paper]
STAN
Is this the right house?
CARTMAN
It's the right address-wait! Look there!
There's Mrs. Dreible! This is the place.
KYLE
Oh wait, wait, there's kids inside.
CARTMAN
So?
KYLE
So we're not TP'ing a house with kids
inside it!
STAN
Kyle, we all agreed to do this!
KYLE
We didn't say nothin' about no kids,
man!
CARTMAN
Kyle, you're bein' an asshole! Now let's
do this thing and get out of m'yeah.
Here's what I think of your art class,
you God-damned bitch!
KENNY
(Yeah! Fuck you!)
[Majestic music plays as Kenny unleashes his roll. Stan unleashes
a roll. Cartman tosses off another one and grins. More rolls
of paper fly onto the roof. Kyle tosses up a roll, unsure of
doing so. Stan unleashes another one, and his glee is unabashed.
Kenny tosses off another one. More and more rolls fly over the
roof. Kyle freezes in awe of their vandalism. Toilet paper covers
the house, the garage, and the trees around the house. The boys
head for the sidewalk]
CARTMAN
Come on, let's go!
KYLE
What have we done?
STAN
Let's go, Kyle!
[The bus stop]
KYLE
We're, we're in trouble. We're in sooo
much trouble.
CARTMAN
Aw man, that was sooo awesome!
KYLE
How can you say that? Did you see what
we did to their house?! It'll take them
days to clean that up!
CARTMAN
Who cares??
KYLE
Well, YOU don't, because you're a non-caring
asshole, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Me?? There's toilet paper on your hands,
too, Kyle.
STAN
Cartman's right, Kyle. We're all in
this together.
[Kyle's house, after bedtime. Kyle's room. He is asleep, but
begins to have nightmares]
KYLE
Noo! No. Noo!
MRS. DREIBLE
AAAAAAAAA!
MR. DREIBLE
Honey, what is it?? Oh, Jesus no! Our
house!
THE DREIBLE GIRLS
Mommy! Mommy!
MR. DREIBLE
Whyyy? Whyyy?
KYLE
Ah! Oh God! Oh God!
[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are in their regular
classroom chatting, waiting for class to begin.]
BUTTERS
Hey, uh, you guys here what happened
last night? Mrs. Dreible's house got
covered with toilet paper.
CLYDE
Yeah. They say it's gonna take three
weeks to get it all down.
CARTMAN
Yeah? Well, Ol' Mrs. Dreible probably
had it comin' to her.
BUTTERS
I don't know. I don't think anybody
deserves that kind of brutality.
CARTMAN
Well, I understand the people who did
it weren't caughts, so-o... Looks like
nobody will ever know the geniuses who
masterminded that perfect crime.
MR. GARRISON
Okay children, let's take our seats.
Oh, uh, Stan, Kyle, Eric, and Kenny,
the counselor wants to see you in his
office, now.
CARTMAN
Damn!
KYLE
Oh God!
[Outside the counselor's office. The boys sit on chairs next
to the door - the bench is gone. Kyle looks around nervously]
KYLE
How the hell did they find out it was
us that TP'ed that house?
CARTMAN
Will you relax, Kyle?! They have nothing
on us! As long as we all stick to our
story, we'll be fine.
STAN
We'd better go over our story again
so we don't screw it up.
CARTMAN
Okay. Last night, all four of us were
at the bowling alley until about 7:30,
at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy,
the Goth chick from the Breakfast Club,
was bowling in the lane next to us,
and we asked her for her autograph,
but she didn't have a pen, so we followed
her out to her car, but on the way we
were accosted by five Scientologists
who wanted to give us all personality
tests, which were administered at the
Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45,
at which time we accidentally boarded
the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho
de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock,
and finally got a ride home with a man
who was missing his left index finger,
named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at
11:46.
KYLE
I'm confused. Did Ally Sheedy take that
personality test?
STAN
Yes, dude!
CARTMAN
Kyle, it's very simple: we followed
Ally Sheedy out to her car, but on the
way we were accosted by five Scientologists
who wanted to give us all personality
tests, which were administered at the
Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45,
at which time we accidentally boarded
the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho
de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock,
and finally got a ride home with a man
who was missing his left index finger,
named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at
11:46, you got it??
KYLE
Ah, Ah I, ah I thought...
CARTMAN
Oh, for Christ's sake!
STAN
Look, Kyle, just let Cartman do all
the talking, okay? He's better at being
in trouble than anybody.
CARTMAN
Thank you, Stan. Sh sh, here they come,
here they come. "And so I said, 'That's
a terrific joke, Wendy. Tell us another
one.'" Oh, hello, Mr. Mackey. Are you
ready to see us now?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
We're gonna talk to you one at a time,
boys, m'kay? Kenny, will you step into
my office, please?
KENNY
(Me??)
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Come on, Kenny, let's go, 'k?
CARTMAN
Touché, Mr. Mackey, touché.
KYLE
Why are they doing us one at a time?
CARTMAN
They want to see if we mix the story
up, and see if someone will rat out
the other three for a better deal.
KYLE
I can get a better deal?
CARTMAN
Kyle, so help me God, if you Jew us
out on this one, I will fucking kill
you!
[The Dreible house. Mr. Dreible is removing the toilet paper
from the trees and house with a broom. He's already filled two
trash bags of toilet paper and is filling a third.]
MR. DREIBLE
There we go. That should be about the
last of it. Ex- excuse me, uh, wha-what
are you doing?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Crime scene investigation! There are
several footprints in the snow. Perhaps
more than one perpetrator?
MR. DREIBLE
Ah... look, we really don't wanna make
a big deal out of this.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Is that the toilet paper there? I'll
need to take those bags as evidence.
MR. DREIBLE
Lo-ih ih it's just not that big a deal,
I mean, I toilet-papered houses myself
when I was a kid.
OFFICER BARBRADY
You?! So where were you last night at
around 9?!
MR. DREIBLE
I was here.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Aha!! Got you!
MR. DREIBLE
Officer, why would I TP my own house?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Insurance?
MR. DREIBLE
It wasn't me, okay? Now, if you don't
mind, I just wanna get my yard back
to normal.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Now you listen to me! Whoever TP'ed
your house is still out there roaming
the streets. It's only a matter of time
before another house and another family
is victimized! I have to stop that from
happening.
MR. DREIBLE
You really have nothing better to do,
do you?
OFFICER BARBRADY
No I do not.
[Kyle's house, after bedtime. Kyle's room. He is asleep, but
the nightmares return]
KYLE
Noo! No. Noo!
MRS. DREIBLE
AAAAAAAAA!
MR. DREIBLE
Oh, Jesus no! Our house!
THE DREIBLE GIRLS
Mommy! Mommy!
NANCY KERRIGAN
Whyyy? Whyyy? Whyyy?
KYLE
Oh God! Oh God! I have to tell the
truth! Mooooomm!
CARTMAN
Hello, Kyle. Going somewhere?
KYLE
I was... I was just going to get a drink
of water.
CARTMAN
No need. I have one for you right here.
KYLE
Oh. Okay. Thanks.
CARTMAN
Is there anything else I can get for
you?
KYLE
Noo, I'll just... be... going back to
bed now.
CARTMAN
You do that. Goodnight, Kyle.
[Park County Juvenile Hall, day. Inside, the warden leads Officer
Barbrady to Cell Block 4.]
WARDEN
Josh Meyers TP'ed over six hundred houses
in less than a year. He's a real monster.
OFFICER BARBRADY
I just need to talk to someonen who
knows how toilet paperers think.
WARDEN
Just remember: he'd toilet-paper you
in a second if he had the chance. He's
the last cell on your left.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Hello, Josh. My name is Officer Barbrady.
I'm with the South Park police.
JOSH
That's a terrible cologne you're wearing,
officer. You should try something more...
casual.
OFFICER BARBRADY
I was hoping you could help me solve
a toilet-papering case?
JOSH
And why would I do that? Because I'm
such a charming fella?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Uh please, I need your help. What would
you want in return?
JOSH
Due to the harsh nature of my crimes
they don't allow me to have toilet paper
in my cell. You can imagine how bothersome
that becomes.
OFFICER BARBRADY
You... know I can't give you toilet
paper, Josh.
JOSH
Nno, but it was worth a try, doesn't
it? Tell me something, officer: why
is it that you police such a small town.
You must have had larger inspirations.
What happened to those... big-city dreams?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, that's kind of personal.
JOSH
Quid pro quo, officer. Tell me what
I want to know. And I'll help you catch
whoever toilet-papered that house.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Look kid, I have very little time to
catch whoever toilet-papered that house.
Tell me what you know.
JOSH
Are those the crime scene photos? Let
me see them. Yes. Yes. Not bad work,
not bad at all. These toilet-paperers
are professional, at least one of them
is.
OFFICER BARBRADY
So you think there was more than one.
Why?
JOSH
Tell me something first. When you went
to the academy you had something to
prove. You wanted to protect and serve,
but mostly you wanted to protect yourself.
Who were you protecting yourself from,
Officer Barbrady?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Oh all right, all right, my uncle Charles
used to hit me with a belt!
JOSH
Thank you. Your toilet-paperers are
most like males between the ages of
8 and 10 and probably virgins. Parents
notice that much toilet paper missing,
so they would have to have bought it
themselves. Find out where the toilet
paper came from, officer, and you just
might catch your man.
[South Park Elementary, day. Kids are moving towards their classes,
passing each other in the process. Stan and Kenny are talking
with Clyde, Craig, and Kevin]
CARTMAN
Stan, Kenny, can I talk to you guys
for a second? I think we have the counselor
and the principal fooled, but we need
to talk about Kyle.
STAN
What about him?
CARTMAN
Come on, you know. He's losing it. He's
gonna crack.
KENNY
(I think so too.)
CARTMAN
Kyle can't take the heat; he's gonna
sing like a canary. Then we're all gonna
take the fall for what we did.
BUTTERS
Ha-ey fellas.
STAN
Butters.
CARTMAN
Look you guys, all it takes is for
one of us to crack, and we all know
who the weakest link is!
STAN
So what should we do?
CARTMAN
We have no choice. We have to kill Kyle.
STAN
... Dude, we're not killing Kyle!
KENNY
(Yeah!)
CARTMAN
Why not?
STAN
Kyle's not gonna say anything, alright?
CARTMAN
He almost spilled the beans in the counselor's
office! He can't even keep the story
straight! I'm telling you guys, he's
weak. He's weak, and he'll be the end
of all of us.
[South Park Police Department]
CASHIER
You wanted to see me, Officer Barbrady?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Yes, thanks for coming, Mr. Bell. A
house was TP'ed in South Park and I
need to see if you can identify the
toilet paper I recovered from the scene.
I'm... sorry I have to do this.
MR. BELL
Oh my God.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Is this toilet paper from your store?
MR. BELL
It's... difficult to tell, it's... so
decayed, I... wait a minute, yes. Yes,
I recognize the floral pattern now.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Positive ID on the toilet paper.
MR. BELL
Who would... do this to toilet paper?
Who?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Mr. Bell, do you remember anyone suspicious
buying toilet paper in the last few
days?
MR. BELL
Suspicious like how?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, like someone who was black or
Mexican or Middle Eastern.
MR. BELL
Nnoo, the only Mexican guy I recall
bought toasted tarts and chips and...
we don't allow Middle Eastern people
in the store. Oh my God!
[Stark's Pond, night. A low fog moves over the surface of the
water]
KYLE
What's this all about, Cartman?
CARTMAN
I just wanted to see how you're doing,
Kyle. Why don't we go out for a little
boat ride?
KYLE
A boat ride?
CARTMAN
I just thought we should find a private
place to... talk.
KYLE
Well, okay.
CARTMAN
Could you help me put this cement block
and chain in the boat? Okay, let's
go. So how are things, Kyle?
KYLE
Terrible. Every time I close my eyes
I see the house we TP'ed. I see the
tears of our art teacher and hear the
screams of her daughters.
CARTMAN
And you feel like you have to confess.
KYLE
I don't know what to do. Part of me
feels like I wanna end it all now.
Tell people what heppened. You know,
I never knew how beautiful this pond
was before. So cold. The world can
feel like that. So calm on the outside,
as if nothing bad ever happens. Ow.
What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!
CARTMAN
I'm killing you. But unfortunately I
could only afford a Wiffle ball bat,
so it's gonna take a while.
KYLE
Cartman!
CARTMAN
Don't fight it, Kyle, it will only take
longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness.
KYLE
You wanna kill me?! Fine! I can't live
like this anymore! Go ahead! Do it!
CARTMAN
Won't be long, Kyle.
[Juvenile Hall, day. Barbrady returns to Cell Block 4]
OFFICER BARBRADY
Josh, I need your help.
JOSH
The answer is right in front of you,
but you can't see it.
OFFICER BARBRADY
How do you mean?
JOSH
Tell me, the toilet paper. Was it quilted?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Yes.
JOSH
Single-sheet?
OFFICER BARBRADY
No, two-ply. What? What does that tell
you?
JOSH
Why does one toilet-paper houses
OFFICER BARBRADY
To get revenge.
JOSH
No, that is incidental. Your toilet-paperers
wanted to transform the art teacher's
house, thus transforming her entire
occupation.
OFFICER BARBRADY
What do you mean?
JOSH
Your uncle, who hit you with a belt.
Was he a large man?
OFFICER BARBRADY
I don't have time for this, kid.
JOSH
Did he stink like bayer when he came
home from work all powoor from playin'
down at the pool hiyouse?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Alright alright my dad dressed me up
like a little girl on poker nights and
he made me sit on all my uncles' laps!
JOSH
Whoa. Uh, oh. Thank you. Your toilet-paperers
are most likely students in the art
teacher's class, students who aren't
very good at art.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Oh. Of course! One of her students!
JOSH
Fly along now, Officer Barbrady. You've
got some arrests to make. Fly fly flyyy.
Fly fly flyyy.
WARDEN
Josh, were you doing the silly voice
for the policeman again?
JOSH
No, sir.
[Stark's pond, night. Cartman is still whacking away at Kyle,
in vain. Stan and Kenny come up in a pedal-powered boat. Both
of them are pedaling. Stan looks over]
STAN
Cartman, what are you doing?
CARTMAN
I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle
will be dead in a matter of hours.
STAN
You don't have to kill Kyle, dude. The
police made an arrest. And the person
confessed!
CARTMAN
They did?
KYLE
They did?
STAN
They say they got the guy that did it
down at the police station.
KYLE
Who confessed? That doesn't make any
sense.
CARTMAN
But can I still kill Kyyyle?
[South Park Police Department, day. The boys head for the station
and enter]
OFFICER BARBRADY
Hello boys. How are you?
STAN
We heard that you have the person who
TP'ed the art teacher's house? Is that
true?
OFFICER BARBRADY
It sure is!
CARTMAN
Uh, can we see them-him-her?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Right over here. Yeah, we interrogated
the suspect for over forty hours, and
he finally cracked.
BUTTERS
Hey fellas!
STAN
Butters?
BUTTERS
Yep. I'm in jail.
KYLE
You con-fessed?
BUTTERS
Uh huh. Unh, they said I TP'ed the art
teacher's house. I don't seem to remember
it, but they're pretty sure it was
me. I just can't get my behavior under
control!
OFFICER BARBRADY
His parents are on their way down now.
BUTTERS
Yeah. And boy, are they gonna uh let
me have it! Just wait till my father
gets here!
KYLE
You guys, we can't let him do this!
CARTMAN
What are you talking about? This is
a gift from God. An early Easter present
all wrapped up in a pretty ribbon from
Jesus Christ himself!
BUTTERS
Well I'm just a little asshole, is what
I am. When God made me, he must have
not been payin' very close attention,
'cause I turned out wrong! Just plain
wrong!
KYLE
Officer Barbrady, Butters didn't TP
that house.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Why do you say that?
KYLE
Because it was-
CARTMAN
Wiffle ball, anyone? Anyone care for
a nice game of Wiffle ball?
BUTTERS
You know, it's not my parents I'm worried
about. It's my girlfriend, Carrie. Why,
she lives in Michigan. But when she
finds out about this, woooo smokey,
is she gonna be sore! She might even
break up with me. And it would serve
me right, too.
OFFICER BARBRADY
All right, boys, visiting time is over.
Thanks for stopping by.
[South Park Police Department, outside. The boys leave the station]
CARTMAN
You see guys, it all worked itself out.
Tadow, tadow, how you like me now? Feel
a little silly now, Kyle? Tadow, how
you like me now?
KYLE
I still feel bad, Cartman
CARTMAN
What? Hu- How can you feel bad? Somebody
else is gonna pay for our crime.
KYLE
Yeah. That makes it even worse.
CARTMAN
Bu... ...eh... Kyle, you don't seem
to understand. We're we're not gonna
get punished for this. Ever.
KYLE
I know.
CARTMAN
So... so then, how can you feel bad?
STAN
He feels guilty for doing it and for
letting someone else pay for it.
CARTMAN
...But he's not gonna get in trouble.
STAN
It doesn't matter if you get in trouble
of not, you can still feel bad. I think
you're right, Kyle. Maybe we should
confess.
KENNY
(Yeah, maybe we should.)
CARTMAN
What?? Eh... hey you guys! There's
nothing to feel bad about! We're, we're
off scot-free!
KYLE
We feel bad for other people.
CARTMAN
For oth-er... Uh. Oww. ...Ih ...Ih,
ih, is it that ...you think you might
get in trouble later?
STAN
Tomorrow in school we'll all tell the
teacher it was us, and let her decide
what to do. And Cartman, if you had
any thread of a conscience at all, you'll
do the same!
CARTMAN
Eh buh... eh... eh... Freakin' weirdos,
man!
[South Park Police Department. The Stotches arrive at the police
station and charge in]
CHRIS
Well well well! I had to see it to believe
it!
BUTTERS
Hi, Dad.
CHRIS
Don't you "Hi, Dad" me! Look at you!
Standing behind prison bars! Again!
BUTTERS
Yeahhh.
LINDA
What fibs have you been telling this
policeman, Butters?! You know damn well
you didn't toilet-paper that house!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Huh??
CHRIS
Butters was with us all night, Officer
Barbrady.
LINDA
Butters, what have we told you about
confessing to crimes you didn't commit?!
We have had it, mister!
BUTTERS
Well, he kept accusin' me for hours,
and then he shot me up with sodium pentathol.
CHRIS
And that's your excuse?!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, looks like I made a mistake. I...
guess I'd better let you out now.
CHRIS
Just wait till we get you home, you
little fibber!
BUTTERS
Officer, can I stay in jail, please?
[The woods near Stark's Pond, evening. Eric appears and calls
out to people behind him]
CARTMAN
Come on, you guys! Hurry! Guys, hurry!
STAN
What is it, Cartmam?
CARTMAN
It's over this way! Come on!
[Stark's Pond, later. Cartman rows the small boat to the middle
of the lake, as he did before with Kyle. Lonely music plays,
as before]
CARTMAN
So how are things, guys?
STAN
Cartman, we're confessing tomorrow in
school, and that's final.
CARTMAN
I'm afraid I can't let that happen.
KYLE
You can't kill all three of us, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Can't I?
[South Park Elementary, next day. Officer Barbrady enters the
principal's office.]
OFFICER BARBRADY
Excuse me, everyone. I have someone
with me who can tell us all who toilet-papered
the art teacher's house! Josh insisted
he be able to tell you the names of
the toilet paperers in person.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, that's nice, Officer Barbrady, but
we actually don't need to know-
KYLE
Hold it! Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey,
Mrs. Dreible. We have something we need
to tell you.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
All right. Will you people stop barging
into my office, please?
JOSH
What's the matter, Principal Victoria?
Was your mother abusive? Did she spank
your thighs with cold cuts and stick
umbrellas up your ass?
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Get him out of here!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Uh, Policeman Brown, will you take Josh
outside, please?
JOSH
Ooo, Polceman Brown, never quite made
officer. Why is that, Polceman Brown?
KYLE
We have to confess that we were the
ones that-
COUNSELOR MACKEY
It's too late, boys, m'kay? We already
know everything.
STAN
You, you do? How?
CARTMAN
Hi guys.
KYLE
Cartman??
CARTMAN
I told them everything, you guys. It's
over.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Luckily for us, one of you had enough
of a conscience to come forward.
CARTMAN
My consciences just caught up with me.
KYLE
That's not fair!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
You all get two weeks of detention,
except Eric, who gets one week for being
brave.
KYLE
But, but he's lying! He doesn't have
a conscience!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, I guess my work here is done.
After all this, I'm gonna need a long
vacation.
KYLE
This was supposed to be my story! My
coming to terms with a guilty conscience!
This isn't fair!
[South Park Elementary, hallway outside the principal's office]
OFFICER BARBRADY
Okay, Josh, time to go back to the...
Oh no!
POLICEMAN BROWN
He... He was too fast for me. He ran
out the door!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Couldn't you have gone after him?
POLICEMAN BROWN
Well, ah I'm covered in toilet paper.
I'd look silly.
[South Park Elementary cafeteria, after school. Mr. Mackey addresses
the detained. The boys are there, as well as two of the sixth
graders, and Craig and Bebe]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Welcome to detention. You will be here
till five o'clock, so make good study
use of your time. M'kay?
STAN
Wugh! Two weeks of this!
KYLE
Yeah. But I have to say, I feel a lot
better now.
CARTMAN
I know what you mean, Kyle. I realize
now that even though you might not get
caught doing something bad, you can
still get caught later.
KYLE
Oh Jesus!
CARTMAN
I didn't feel bad before, but now I
just feel terrible.
KYLE
You just feel bad for yourself that
you're in detention!
CARTMAN
Right. I guess I learned today that
sometimes you-
KYLE
Oh, stop it, Cartman! You didn't learn
anything! Not a God-damned thing!
CARTMAN
Hm.
[South Park Police Department, afternoon. Barbrady stands at
his desk. The phone rings and he answers it.]
OFFICER BARBRADY
Police station.
JOSH
Hello Officer Barbrady.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Josh? Josh, where are you?!
[An undisclosed location, day]
JOSH
I'm afraid that giving away my location
might be harmful to my freedom, officer.
I just wanted to thank you for helping
me get out of that dingy cell.
[South Park Police Department]
OFFICER BARBRADY
Josh, you have to go back to Juvenile
Hall. You only have a three-week sentence.
[the undisclosed location, day]
JOSH
Sorry, officer, gotta run. There's something
I've been meaning to do for quite some
time. Ciao.
THE END
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