"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 802
"UP THE DOWN STEROIDS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Stan's backyard, day. The boys are playing the "Investigative
Reports with Bill Curtis" game when Timmy and Jimmy arrive]
JIMMY
Hey fellas.
STAN
Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy.
TIMMY
Timmy!!!
JIMMY
Say fellas, JImmy and I were wondering
if maybe you would come and cheer for
us next Sssaturday. We're both competing
in the Special Olympics down in Denver.
CARTMAN
The Special Olympics? What's so special
about them?
KYLE
They're Olympic games for handicapped
people.
CARTMAN
Dude, what?
JIMMY
Timmy and I are competing in a variety
of events.
STAN
Yeah sure, we'll come cheer you and
Timmy on.
KYLE
Yeah, that'd be cool.
JIMMY
Thanks a lot, fellas. Well, we gotta
get down to the training center and
start working out. Word is we have a
lot of ssstiff competition this year.
KYLE
Well all right, we'll see you on Saturday,
guys.
TIMMY
Timmy!!!
CARTMAN
Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped
people like this. I mean, making them
compete against each other just for
our amusement.
KYLE
...You're an asshole, Cartman.
CARTMAN
What? What did I do?
[Denver Athletic Club, Denver, day.]
WELCOME
SPECIAL OLYMPICS
ATHLETES !
[Inside, the athletes are working out on a variety of equipment.
Jimmy and Timmy are at a bench press. Jimmy presses weights as
Timmy spots him.]
JIMMY
...six!...
TIMMY
Timmih.
JIMMY
Usss-usss-seven!
TIMMY
Timmih. Timmih!
JIMMY
Usss-usss-seven!
TIMMY
Timmih! Timmiiih!
JIMMY
Ni-I can'-I can't! Huff. Oh man.
Gee whiz, Timmy. It looks like we have
some ppppretty stiff competition this
year. All of the special athletes seem
to be in tip-top condition, and I can't
even get past seven ru-reps. Huhh oh
well, that's it for me, Timmy. I'm p-p--p-pooped.
I'll see you in the locker room.
TIMMY
Otimmih.
FRANCIS
Hey Jimmy, g-good luck on Saturday.
JIMMY
You too, Francis.
BIG ATHLETE
Hey Jimmy.
JIMMY
Oh hey hey, n-Nathan.
NATHAN
So uh, I see you train pretty hard.
JIMMY
Yeah, it sure is tough. I'm training
really hard, but I'm not improving fast
enough, and the Special Olympics are
a... week away.
NATHAN
Wellll, maybe I can- help you out. You
know, there are shortcuts.
JIMMY
What kind of shortcuts?
NATHAN
You know. Steroids.
JIMMY
S-s--ss-s-s-steroids? ...But aren't
those illegal?
NATHAN
Yeah, sure, but these are new. They
don't show up in our urine tests.
JIMMY
So uh, ha-how do they... w-wwork?
NATHAN
You just take one of these little blue
babies three times a day and inject
this directly into your bloodstream
twice a day before meals.
JIMMY
How much would this cost me?
NATHAN
Ahhh it isn't cheap. I've gotta keep
vice off my back and secure shipments
from overseas.
JIMMY
Well... then maybe I'll just use them
a-al-little bit. You know, as a per-formance
en...hancer.
NATHAN
Oh, whatever you say, Jimmy my friend.
Whatever you say.
[Stan's house, front yard. The boys are playing with various
toy big rigs. Stan moves a gas truck, Kenny an ambulance, Kyle
a tow truck]
CARTMAN
YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! I have the best
idea ever! I'm gonna be rich!
KYLE
What?
CARTMAN
Dude, I was just looking at the Special
Olympics brochure, and check this shit
out: "At the end of the Special Olympics,
a Grand Champion Special Athlete is
crowned and given a cash prize of $1000"
STAN
So?
CARTMAN
So?? So dude, think about it. If somebody
just pretended to be mentally handicapped,
they could easily win the competition
and get the thousand bucks!
KYLE
Oh no. Cartman, no!
CARTMAN
It's flawless! I'll act like I have
a disability, and when the time come
to compete I'll kick ass against all
the handicappeds!
STAN
That's really, really terrible, dude.
CARTMAN
Terrible?? Whatever! You guys's brains
just can't compute complex plans like
mine can! It'll work, you'll see.
KYLE
Cartman! I will not stand by and let
you cheat your way to winning the Special
Olympics!
CARTMAN
Why?
KYLE
Because!
CARTMAN
What are you gonna do, Kyle? Tell on
me? Then you'll be a great big no-good
double-faced poopy-pants tattle-tale!
Is that really how you deal with your
problems?! Grow up, Kyle! All I have
to do is make people think I'm handicapped,
and I get a thousand dollars. It won't
be easy, but nothing worth having ever
is.
CARTMAN
Darrrr. Durrrr. I wanna be in the Special
Olympics. Bull's eye!
[Jimmy's house, bedroom, night. Jimmy is at his bed. He straps
on a strip of heavy rubberband, dabs his arm a few times with
alcohol, jabs the syringe into his arm and injects some liquids
steroids into his arm. He loosens the rubber band and someone
knocks on his door. He looks around and jumps off his bead]
JIMMY
Oh! Agh! Just, just a second!
DAD
Jimmy?
JIMMY
Hang on, I'm I'm, coming.
DAD
Jim, it's your father!
JIMMY
I said I'm coming! Give me a Goddamned
s-second! Hold it.
DAD
Jimmy, were you masturbating?
JIMMY
Nn-no, Dad.
DAD
Okay. Well, you have a visitor.
GIRL
Hi Jimmy.
JIMMY
Oh. Hi, N-N-Nancy.
NANCY
I was hoping we would study for the
spelling test tomorrow.
JIMMY
Oh. Sure thing. Come on in.
DAD
I didn't know you had a girlfriend,
Jim.
JIMMY
Yeah, Dad. We've been going out since
we met in Free Period last week.
DAD
I'll leave you two alone. Y-you sure
you weren't masturbating, Jim? It's
okay if you were.
JIMMY
Dad, Jesus C-Christ!
DAD
Okay then.
[A basketball court, day. The boys take turn shooting hoops,
but none of them make a basket. Cartman waddles into view in
his handicapped getup]
CARTMAN
Drrrrrrey drrrrrrrey. Hey guys, what's
going on? Drrrrrt.
KYLE
God damn you!
CARTMAN
You see, gentlemen? The Special Olympics
Championship and my one thousand dollars
is just four days away. I'm going to
go sign up now.
KYLE
No you're not! I read the brochure,
Cartman! If you're under eighteen, you
have to have a parent with you to sign
up for the Special Olympics.
CARTMAN
What??
KYLE
It says right there "a parent has to
be with you to sign up," and you'll
never get your mom to agree to something
so horrible, so HA!
[Cartman's house, later. Liane is at the kitchen table paying
bills. Cartman walks in from the dining room. He puts his arms
behind his back]
CARTMAN
Moooommmmm?
LIANE
Yes, hon?
CARTMAN
Um, could I get you to do something
for me?
LIANE
What's that, hon?
CARTMAN
Um, okay. This is goin' ta sound a little
strange. Um, but, stick with me. Um,
moommm? Would you mind coming with me
to sign up for the Special Olympics
so I can beat all the handicapped kids
and win a thousand dollare?
LIANE
Oh... Nno, sweetie. I believe those
Olympics are just for ..."special" children.
CARTMAN
I'm not special? I thoght you always
said I was special.
LIANE
You are, hon, but... I don't think that's
a very good idea.
CARTMAN
...I'll split the money with you.
LIANE
...I'm sorry, Eric. The answer is No.
CARTMAN
All right, Mom, look. Here's ...the
truth. God, this is gonna be hard to
say. I think, Mom, that I've been hard
on some of the handicapped kids at school
in the past. I've sometimes looked at
people with disabilities as people God
put here on earth for my amusement,
but... now I'm starting to think...
that if I could just spend one day in
their shoes, ...if I could just see
the challenges they face every day,
...mauye I wouldn't be so cold. I just
want a chance to change. Help me change?
LIANE
Oh, a-a-all right, sweetie, I, I'll
take you tomorrow.
CARTMAN
Awesome.
[Denver Athletic Club, day. Jimmy and Timmy are in the locker
room getting ready to leave]
JIMMY
You did a great job in the 500, Timmy.
You really im-...p-p-proved.
TIMMY
Timmih!!!
JIMMY
I think I really got a shot at the gold
in the swimming competition. Coach says
I'm the fastest he's ever seen. Well,
I'll see you nice and early for p-practice,
Tim-tim. Oh, uh, can you hand me my
bag?
TIMMY
Timmih! Tim-Tim?
JIMMY
Oh, uh, so... hey Timmy... uh hu-how
about we go out for a d-d-ddoughnut
later? I'll uh, I-I'll see you later,
Tim-Tim.
TIMMY
Timmih...
JIMMY
Look it's really none of your b...b-b...beeswax,
Timmy!
TIMMY
Timmih. Timmih!
JIMMY
Because I, maybe I don't have what it
takes to win with uhwithout them!
TIMMY
Timmih. T... T-Timmih.
JIMMY
You you aren't gonna... tell anybody,
are you?
TIMMY
Huh! Timmih! T-Timmih!
JIMMY
Look, it's my body and it's my choice
what I put in it!
TIMMY
Timmih! Timmih, Jimmih. Arrrh Timmih!
Jimmih!
JIMMY
Don't lecture me on the complexities
of sportsmanship. You know as well as
I do most of the kids in Special Olympics
aren't shooting up to compete. I'm just
trying to k-keep up.
TIMMY
Huh... Timmih... Timmih.
JIMMY
Sssso what are you gonna do now, huh?!
You gonna be a fuckin' narc and show
that bbottle to the ...coaches?! Don't
think you're any better than me, Timmy!
I'm just living in the real world!
[The Special Olympic Field, next day. Timmy is in the field ready
for the javelin throw]
TIMMY
Timmih! Aaagyaaaaah Timmih!
COACH
All right, thirty yards, Timmy! Keep
it up!
TIMMY
Oowrrr! Timmih! Livilaye!
JIMMY
Yyyeess! Grrrr!
COACH 2
Wohuhow, Jimmy, I can't believe how
much you've improved! You're bigger
and stronger than I've ever seen you!
JIMMY
Yeah, I've been working out... r-r-really
hard.
COACH 2
You keep going like this and you'll
break Special Olympics records on Saturday!
[The Special Olympic Field, registration table, moments later.
A family of three arrives]
MAN
Okay, so this is all the stuff we need
to sign Michael in?
VOLUNTEER
Yup. Just take the sign-up sheet down
to the next table and we'll get it all
finalized.
WOMAN
Thank you very much.
VOLUNTEER
Thank you! Good luck, Michael.
MICHAEL
Thanks.
VOLUNTEER
Okay, next in line please?
CARTMAN
Naaaa! Daaaaa!
VOLUNTEER
Hello there.
LIANE
Hello. Um, I would like to... sign my
son up, please.
CARTMAN
Naaaa!
VOLUNTEER
Oh, great! What's his name?
LIANE
Eric Cartman
CARTMAN
Caaartmaaan! Daaaaa!
VOLUNTEER
Okay. Age?
LIANE
He's nine.
VOLUNTEER
O-kay, and what's his disability?
LIANE
...Um, he's retarded.
VOLUNTEER
...Nno, I'm asking what his specific
condition is. Down's Syndrome? Cerebral
palsy?
LIANE
Ohhh, oh. I'm not sure. Sweetie, what
is yoru condition?
CARTMAN
...How should I know? I'm retarded.
Daaaaa!
VOLUNTEER
I'll just leave that blank for now.
[The Special Olympic Field, under the bleachers. Jimmy prepares
to inject more steroids into his right arm]
JIMMY
Yeah, b-bigger, stronger!
[South Park Elementary, day. Timmy rolls to Mr. Mackey's office,
sighs and knocks.]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, hi Timmy. Come on in. I understand
you have somethin' important you wanna
talk to me about, m'kay?
TIMMY
Timmy.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, Timmy, as your counselor, I want
you to know that you can tell me anything,
hm'kay? And whatever's troublin' you,
I wanna try and, and help you with it.
TIMMY
N, Timmy.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Mhm'kay, right, you're Timmy. ...You,
you have a problem?
TIMMY
No Timmy, Jimmy.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Ji-Jimmy?
TIMMY
Haaa! Oh, oh! Jimmy.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, Jimmy Valmer! Oh, okay, what about
him?
TIMMY
Timmih! Timmih, uh, Jimmih. In Timmy,
Timmih Tim-oh! Tim-Timmih! Timmmih?
Jimmih! Jimmih. Jimmih Timmih Timmih?
Timmih, Timmih! Jimmih... Jimmih! Jimmih!
Timmih! Timmih!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Mmmmm'kaaay. I don't quite follow,
Timmy.
TIMMY
Argh. Jimmy...
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Right, Jimmy Valmer.
TIMMY
Uh. , Timmih Jimmih Jimmih Jim- Jimmh
Timmih Timmih Jimmih!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Right. He's Jimmy, yeah.
TIMMY
HAAAAAAAH!
[Cartman's room, night. Cartman types away at his computer]
CARTMAN
How I Will Spend My
One Thousand Dollars
By Eric Cartman
[a knock is heard at his door] Enter! [the door opens and Kyle
enters, stand there for a while, closes the door, then walks
up to Cartman. A few moments of uneasy silence follows]
KYLE
Cartman, I really, really have a problem
with what you're doing. I object to
it morally, and I find it grossly offensive.
CARTMAN
Go on, Kyle.
KYLE
I know that I often have serious moral
objections to the things that you do,
but... this time I think you really
need to reconsider, because if you do
this, I believe you will go to hell.
So I feel it is my responsibility, as
your friend, to tell people what you're
doing, and to put a stop to it!
CARTMAN
Well, Kyle, I understand where you're
coming from, and I appreciate you being
so direct. Um, the thing is, you really
have kind a warped view on morality
because you're Jewish. Now, Kyle, you
haven't gone to see Mel Gibson's film,
The Passion but-
KYLE
I didn't come here to talk about The
Passion, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Let me finish. If you had seen The Passion
you would know that Hell is reserved
for the Jews, and all those who don't
accept Christ. That being the case,
it is actually me who is worried about
your soul.
KYLE
I came here to talk about you!
CARTMAN
Yes. And instead you had to break through
yourself. This is really the beginning
of a whole new chapter of your life,
Kyle. Good luck.
[Jimmy's house. He's working out on a bench press in his room.
A mirror sits next to him]
JIMMY
Come on, push it! Push it! Yeah. Nice
p-pecs. Sweet b-biceps.
NANCY
Jimmy, I thought we were meeting at
the doughnut shop.
JIMMY
The Games are in two days, Nancy. I
can't be w-wasting my time.
NANCY
I guess I didn't realize I was a waste
of time.
JIMMY
Oh Jeez! Are you gonna start running
your mouth off again? P-push it! Push
it!!
NANCY
Jimmy, everyone's worried about you.
You seem... different.
JIMMY
Theh-they're all just ..jealous.
NANCY
You're not the boy I fell in love with
last week during Free Period. I'm leaving
you.
JIMMY
You're not leaving me! You try to leave
me and I'll kill you, bitch!
NANCY
You can't treat people like this!
JIMMY
I said, shut your mouth, bitch! Why
did you make me do it, huh?! You're
not leavin' anybody!! You just keep
your G-Goddamned mouth shut and do what
you're t-t-t-uh-tol-told!
MOM
What the? Jimmy, oh my God!
JIMMY
Stay away from me, you stupid bbbbitches!
No! God!
[Saturday morning at the Special Olympics stadium]
HOST
Welcome, everyone, to the 2004 Special
Olympics! We will be holding various
throughout the day, and at the end of
it all we will have some very special
celebrity athletes here to present the
trophy for top athlete, along with the
cash prize of one thousand dollars.
JIMMY
Top athlete, yeah!
CARTMAN
One thousand dollars, yeah!
HOST
So let's have all our athletes report
to their first assigned events and...
Let the Games begin!
[First event, Track and Field, 100-meter dash]
ANNOUNCER
Will those athletes in heat 1 of the
hundred-meter dash please report to
Track Aread B.
VOLUNTEER 2
Okay, racers, are we ready? Take your
marks.
CARTMAN
Daaaa! Daaaa!
VOLUNTEER 2
On your marks! Get set! Go!
CARTMAN
Whoa. What the hell??
VOLUNTEER 2
Great job, everyone. You three advance
to the next heat.
WINNER
All right!
BLOND BOY
Good Job.
BLONDE GIRL
We did it!
CARTMAN
Well, guess I'll, guess I'll just have
to kick ass in the other events.
["Put It To The Limit" begins to play again. Cartman is in a
swimming competition now, but again,he's struggling in last place.
Jimmy lifts a bar laden with weights successfully in the clean-and-jerk
competition, then throws the bar down]
JIMMY
Yeeessss! Yes! Yes!
ANNOUNCER
He's got it! That's a new Special Olympics
record, folks!
[Back to Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Cartman is
again last]
CARTMAN
God-damnit!!
[Back to Swimming events. Jimmy takes his heat easily]
ANNOUNCER
Winner, Jimmy Valmer!
[Track and Field events, pole-vault. a Special Olympian runs
up to the posts, plants his pole in the square mark, and clears
the bar successfully. Cartman steps up to the straight track
with his pole]
CARTMAN
All right, this one I can win! Here,
hold this! I'll show you Goddamned
retards!
[Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Jimmy increases his
lead over the competition]
[Track and Field events, javelin throw. An athlete runs up to
the edge and throws his javelin. His tongue hangs out. Jimmy
rolls up and throws his javelin. Cartman runs up and throws his,
but it lands just far enough for him to still touch the tail
end of it]
CARTMAN
God-damnit!!
[Track and Field events, triple jump. Jimmy jumps and lands at
18.5 feet, skids a foot more, then stops and waits for the score]
ANNOUNCER
That's another Special Olympics record!
JIMMY
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, I did it! Yeah!
Yeah!
[Early evening at the Special Olympics stadium. The sun has set
and some of the crowd is back on the field]
HOST
Ladies and Gentlemen, our day of competition
has come to an end, and we have an ultimate
grand special champion for 2004! Here
to present the award are baseball legends
Mark McGuire, Jason Giambi, and Barry
Bonds.
BONDS
The two thousand and four special athlete
is... Jimmy Valmer.
JIMMY
Yeah! Fuck yeah! Yeah, I did it! I'm
the bbub-best!
HOST
Congratulations, Jimmy. But we all know
that the Special Olympics isn't just
about winning. And so, we will now give
out the Spirit Award, to the handicapped
person who came in very last. Eric Cartman!
CARTMAN
Ah, screw you hippie!
HOST
For winning the Spirit Award, Eric will
receive this gift certificate to Shakey's
for fifty dollars! Come on up, Eric!
CARTMAN
...I could pile at Shakey's, heck.
Uh, Drrrr! Drrrr!
JIMMY
Hey! Just what the hell do you think
you're doing, Eric?!
CARTMAN
Uhh, hehe. Uh de-duhhhh.
JIMMY
You ffffaked being handicapped to win?!
I should k-kick your ass right here,
you lousy no-good ch-ch-ch...cheater!
TIMMY
Timmih!
JIMMY
What?
TIMMY
Timmih!
JIMMY
Oh my God. You, you're right, Timmy.
You're totally right. Everyone, can
I have your attention, please? I'm
afraid I have to give back my medal.
The truth is, I haven't been playing
fair either. I've been using st-steroids.
I was willing to do anything to be the
best, and the steroids made me blind
to the people I was hurting. A good
friend even tried to talk me out of
it, and I wouldn't listen to him. Taking
steroids is just like pretending to
be handicapped at the Special Olympics.
Because you're taking all the fairness
out of the game. But I know now that
even if you do win on steroids, you're
really not a winner. You're just a p-pussy.
You're just a big fat p-p...p...pussy,
and if you take steroids, the only decent
thing to do is come forward and say,
"Remove me from the record books, because
I am a big, stinky p-pussy-" "-steroid-taking
jackass." That's how I feel about myself,
and why I must decline this medal and
my place in the history books. And if
you'll let me, I'll be back next year.
To compete with honor.
MCGUIRE
Hey kid. Good for you for being honest.
[The stands. Cartman walks up to his friends]
CARTMAN
Well guys, I guess now you see what
I was up to all along. I dressed up
like a handicapped person and lost the
Special Olympics on purpose, so that
Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids.
Eh, oh yeah?! Well, well you guys are
assholes! Grow up!
THE END
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